Man's Blubbering Face Is Fodder Of Dreams For Sadistic Camera Man

Lens, FRA - Sadistic camera man David Samuels admitted, in hindsight, that the sad, blubbering face of Welsh fans during the recent England v Wales Euro 2016 game was the fodder of dreams for his business as he joyfully searched out the crowd for over emotional fools.

I'LL LICK YOUR TEARS FROM THE MOIST PARTS OF MY PAYCHECK!

"CRY PIGGY, CRY," muttered Samuels into his viewfinder as he panned across the sweep of enthusiatic fans just trying to watch their team win a game against their rivals. 

"I enjoy watching them weep, the fools," stated Samuels to The Nutmeg News. "It's the best thing about being a camera man working a match. I just love finding people who are being very emotional. Especially those having a private moment in a public space. Then it's just the simple matter of taking that private moment and broadcasting that image to millions of people around the world so that the world can beligerantly mock them and turn that weeping fan into a meme."

Reportedly, Samuels remembers a time when he actually cared about fans but slowly the deadly thrum of his job has eroded the morality that used to exist in his soul so that he now enjoys the decimation of the indisposed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Samuels follows the emotional fans home in order to further document their misery.

MLS Cosplay Hooligan Longs For Time When He Can Cause Team To Implode Like Croatian Fans

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan and cosplay hooligan, Stephen Brandice Jr, admitted that he watched the Croatia - Czech Republic game in Euro 2016 with absolute longing as he prayed for the day when he could cause his own team to implode and throw a flare on the field.

Real lads wear New Jersey Nets kits in the stands.

"God, if we were just serious enough this could be US," stated Mr Brandice to a collection of anonymous people on the Ultras-Tifo forum where he posts his political rants and greivances against corporate culture in the stands. "Instead we just sit around as tools of a conglomeration while true hooligan culture simmers below the surface."

Reportedly, Mr Brandice has often thought about bringing flares to an Earthquakes game but realizes that he just doesn't want to lose his stadium privileges. However, this miniscule amount of rational thought doesn't prevent him from ordering balaclavas and dreaming of a time where a shirtless Brandice will run onto the field with a smoke bomb and a flare to confront Chris Wondolowski after he misses a sure fire goal.

"It's our game, we must take it back! It's the game of the working class!" stated Mr Brandice before he got ready at his shift at 365 Data Centers as a server administrator. "If we don't bring hooligan and ultra culture to the United States, other international countries will not respect us."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephen posts a 200 word screed about snitches in Ultras groups while downloading his new linux distro and shopping on Amazon.

Atlanta United Fan Frustated With Lack Of Wins

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Jeremy Smith admitted that the lack of winning this season for Atlanta United has started to grind against his patience.

At least we are winning OFF the field.

"This is bullshit!" stated Smith to our reporters on Friday. "It's what... JUNE? and we still don't have a win yet? I didn't pay all this money for season tickets to have to wait til seemingly 2017 for a win. I know that is hyperbole, but I'm just frustrated with the performances this season."

While Atlanta United have had some early victories this season off the field (and just signed homegrown player Andrew Carleton) Mr Smith admits that the lack of home wins this season makes him impatient.

"Look, the season is a grind and I understand that we have to be patient, but honestly I'd love to see a result on the field. Hell, I'd just love to see some tough two way play and players who want to be on the field. At this rate, I'd just like to see a field."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith creates a kickstarter to fly a banner over Atlanta that states, "BLANK OUT! NO MORE YEARS WITHOUT A WIN! ATLANTA DIVIDED!"

Jort Cannon Leads To Competing Promotions

Acknowledging the success of the Detroit City FC Jort Cannon, competing NPSL sides in the area have started offering other ideas for a promotional giveaway

Photo from Detroit City FC twitter and Jon Deboer Photography - http://jondeboer.com/

The Nutmeg News spoke to Lansing United ownership who showed TNN Reporters their prototype for their new "Elephant Ear" cannon they plan on using to distribute fried goods to the stands.

"We hope that this will enter our team into a new epoch of fried good delivery service directly to your face from the field," stated Lansing United owner Jeremy Sampson. "All you need to do is raise your hand and you will have a freshly fired and fresh fried piping hot elephant ear in your mouth via compressed air. We feel that everyone loves the Elephant Ear and it reflects the storied history of Lansing."

As well, Grand Rapids FC announced their new delivery service for Yesterdogs as they greased up the tube of their new Yesterdog delivery system and relish canon.

"We plan on making certain that anyone who wants a Yesterdog at a Grand Rapids game will be able to get one regardless of their location in the crowd. We will also have our Relish canon which is retrofitted to produce relish in an orgiastic spray that douses the entire stands with satistfying goodness. It can also be used for ketchup. It's going to be like Family Double Dare in the stands."

Grand Rapids FC stadium staff preparing for the upcoming debut of the Relish Canon.

AFC Ann Arbor also announced a jello shot cannon and student loan mortar in an effort to attract more of the University of Michigan fans that mill around outside the stadium.

"We felt that we could attract Michigan students to create a more energetic atmosphere while also providing a community service to those in need by firing vouchers for student loans out of a specialty constructed mortar," stated Cora Essenmacher, director of Soccer Operations. "The jello shot canon starts first, to bring in the fraternities and then the student loan mortar fires at the half after they have a bit of a buzz. This way they aren't entire certain what happens, but at least they will be able to pay for their $1500 poly-sci book."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Relish canon misfires creating an unsightly slip n slide on the field.

Inebriatti Still Theoretically Banned For Some Game Somewhere Some Time In The Future

TORONTO - Representatives from Inebriatti, a supporters group for Toronto FC, announced that they received an email from Major League Soccer stating that they are still theoretically banned for some game somewhere some time in the future for an infraction yet to be determined.

"There's got to be something we can use to ban them that is going on in this photo here."

"We received an email stating the loose outline of the theoretical ban for an infraction that the league and/or front office of one of the league teams (which may or may not be our own team) or sponsors haven't fully figured out, yet," stated Inebriatti spokesman Thomas Sorenson.

"They seem pretty intent upon keeping this as confusing and vague as possible so we can only guess that they are scrolling through our Twitter feed to see what they can use to ban us in the future for games that already occured in the past."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the Montreal Impact but they referred our reporters to Major League Soccer as all teams are a subsidiary of the league.

"We believe in our fans, and we believe that we have reached a point in our league timeline where we as a league or the teams under our single-entity ownership can start abitrarily banning fans for games that aren't even in our league without actually giving reasons. We are big enough and dammit, we can do it! We can ban the fan," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Reportedly, the Inebriatti have also received notification that they had also been banned from An Sibín Pub by the Impact and MLS two years ago on a Tuesday in May.

"We certainly explored why The Inebriatti were banned from travelling to Montreal before they were notified about it," stated Abbot to TNN Reporters, "It appears that the reason why isn't important, nor the time frame in which they were notified, nor is it important that some bans they have on travelling occured during games which we, as a league, don't control. What's important here is that we and the teams operating under our control ban fans without any level of appeal and stop them from congregating and wearing t-shirts and whatever else they like to do."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer notifies the Inebriatti tomorrow that they were banned from attending the US Men's National Team game against Ecuador today.

Investigation Shows That One Nation Has More Than One Team

An in depth investigation into the United States shows that, in fact, the United States has more than one team that the residents within that nation cheer on during international tournaments.

One Nation - One Team

Our reporters found shocking details by utilizing the specialized and secret web browser GOOGLE that during the year not only do some residents within the United States cheer for the United States Men's soccer team, but they also cheer for the United States Women's soccer team. This already shows that there is One Nation, Two Teams. Not only this, but some people even have a rooting interest in the United States Men's and Women's Deaf Soccer teams. Those shocking details would indicate One Nation Four Teams. There is also the United States Power Soccer Association as well as the United States Paralympic soccer 5 a side and 7 a side teams which represent the United States internationally.

With that count, our reporters were able to verify that indeed there is One Nation and at least Seven other Teams, but likely there are more than this as well.

Research into the history of the United States by Nutmeg News reporters turned up absolutely shocking and unreported details which showed that over the course of the history of the country there have been several waves of immigration. Details show that there was even a mass immigration of English and Spanish individuals.

Many of the individuals that immigrated to North America retained a fondness for their original national team sides. As well, with the internet age and ability to watch games anywhere at any time, many new and old immigrants to the United States are able to keep touch with their roots by pulling for their old and their new national teams.

In fact, Nutmeg News reporters showed a true coagulation of disparate nations that are pulled for at any one time during the year belying the One Nation One Team mantra. TNN Reporters spoke with immigrants from Brazil, Chile, Mexico, Canada, Sweden, England, Australia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Croatia, Scotland, Ireland, Japan, Finland, Iceland, Italy, Sicily, Greece, Russia, Mongolia, Germany, France, Korea, and China. Shockingly, there may even be MORE nationalities currently living in the United States that may be pulling for their national team side or multiple national team sides.

The Nutmeg News will continue our investigation into the details of One Nation One Team as we investigate whether the One Nation, One Team ethos extends to lacrosse.

MLS Rumor Account Celebrates 6 Years Without A Successful Pick

A twitter account focused on MLS acquisition rumors celebrated it's sixth year without a successful tweet as the forecast of Ibrahimovic to LA Galaxy died in the waning hours of this week.

SOME OF THESE GUYS, BUT THEY ARENT ALL GOING TO PLAY WELL, AND SOME WOULD JUST RATHER RETIRE.

"We created this with the intention of always being wrong," stated MLS Rumor Twitter handler Jimmy Godot. "It was always our idea to just be relentlessly, recklessly, empahtically wrong about every transfer rumor that we put out there and we made it SIX years without ever being right."

While thousands of people follow their MLS Rumors twitter account, many have switched over from thinking they would get a glimmer of information to just following the account for the hilarity of what they suggest.

"Man, I remember thinking it was possible that Philadelphia were going to obtain Grafite. Those were the days," stated Union fan David Thornberry. 

"Wow, I remember thinking it was possible that Vancouver were going to obtain Grafite. You guys remember that?" stated Whitecaps fan Steven Boord.

"Do you guys remember those Grafite rumors?" stated Sporting Kansas City fan Edgar Davis.

"Oh god, yeah, I followed them when they said Grafite was coming to the Sounders," stated Seattle Sounders fan Hannah Westing.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Grafite is rumored to play for LAFC in 2019.

Rec League Roundup: Manager Won't Stop Löw-ing On The Sideline

Dear Rec League Roundup,

Ever since my manager watched Joachim Löw scratch and sniff his gentleman's area during Euro 2016, he has repeatedly started doing so on the sidelines.

We will be rushing up the field on a counter attack and I'll look over as he frenetically scratches at his peaches and then inhales with the vigor of a Victorian man of stature consuming laudanum for the first time. 

We will be tracking back on defense and he will be juggling his berry salad like Marcel Marceau. At some point we all need to band together to stop him from making such a public spectacle.

Except.

There's one problem. 

We started winning since he has started doing this. Two games in a row.

What do we do?

Thanks,

Harry Hardwood In Des Moines.

The Smell Of Victory.

DEAR HARRY HARDWOOD IN DES MOINES,

When winning, there is only one suggestion from Rec League Roundup.

That is, double down on the matter. Everyone on your team should adjust their tackle including the women. You will, with deep intent and grave serious nature, reach down for your undercarriage, your man satchel and give it a scratch and sniff test until your team starts to lose. 

At the time when you start losing (and not before), you should then confront your manager and all parties should stop.

Until that time, everyone...... time to get sniffing..... because down there? It smells like victory.

Rec League Roundup

Winner Of Chicago Fire - Indy 11 Game To Take Home Bronzed Peter Wilt

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire and Indy 11 fans announced that the supporters groups of both teams have pitched together to create a memorable trophy for the winners of the Peter Wilt US Open Cup derby. That is, that the winner of the game will take home a freshly coiffed and bronzed Peter Wilt for one year.

So fresh and so clean!

Reportedly, Fire and Indy 11 fans are eager to have the stakes ratched up in the Wilt Derby as they both have a chance to take home the beloved and fan friendly exective.

"We ensured that Peter worked on a nice base to give a good color to his face," stated Hollywood Tan team coordinator Holly Brasso. "Then we worked with some spray tanner to ensure that we wouldn't run the risk of any long term UV exposure. In this way, Peter is going to have a nice, ruddy, summer glow to allow him to be the prize that both Section 8 and the Brickyard Battallion crave."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Andrew Hauptman's receptionist who informed us that Andrew was not available to talk about, "the Spark or whatever that thing is that we keep calling about."

However the Fire executives respond, fans are reportedly agog over the chance to have Peter Wilt interface with them again in a positive manner.

"I can't wait!" stated Fire fan Jeremy Touchaine "I'm going to take my bronzed Wilt home and show it off to my wife!"

As well, Indy 11 fans are highly protective of Peter Wilt as fan Dennis Delome stated to The Nutmeg News, "You can't have the man who was there at the beginning, who helped kick this off! This is our Wilt, our golden god! I'm planning on putting him up on the mantle for the time I have him. I'm just going to let him sit there giving me advice about starting an NASL squad."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans wait with baited breath for their chance to touch the bronzed Wilt.

D.C. United Stadium Renderings Change Again

WASHINGTON - D.C. United, today, released an updated rendering of the new Buzzard Point stadium plan.

Look, the field is at least going to have a bleacher on ONE side.

Reportedly, shifting finances in the D.C. United ownership have mandated that the club revise its original extravagent stadium renderings to something that it can afford. The new field will have mostly grass, some sand, some turf, a slight downhill slope, and stadium bleachers on one side of the field, with player lean-to's on the other side of the field to allow respite from the sun.

"This is going to be the first fully non-contained professional soccer experience in North America," stated D.C. United president Tom Hunt. "This new field will allow our supporters intimate access to the field in a way that makes them seem part of the game. Our lack of seats and stands will be a new marketing feature showing that no one is above the game or the players. This kind of synergy will show that we are the brand of the people."

Reportedly, D.C. United co-owner Jason Levien considered adding more features to the new stadium, but decided to buy Swansea City instead as it offered a, "more vertical integration of profits to my wallet."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United tries to figure out if they can afford corner flags or not at the new locaion.

Bassett Hound Struggles With Duality Of Being A Soccer Ultra And His Job As a Flare Sniffing Dog

Long Island, NY - Max, a pyro sniffing dog that lives with his trainer David Browning in Red Hook, has admitted that he has been struggling with the duality being an advocate for pyrotechnics in soccer and avowed soccer ultra as well as being a flare sniffing dog at the upcoming Cosmos and NYCFC US Open Cup game.

NO PYRO, NO PARTY

"I'm against modern football," stated Max as he dutifully pushed around a snausage on the floor with his nose. "However, I also need to make a living. This job has been good to me for the most part. I mean, it pays me on time, I get belly rubs and I'm mostly recovered now after that time I got hooked on prescription antihistimine and pure, uncut Peruvian cocaine at JFK. Now THAT was a crazy few months."

Max has been a fan of the game of soccer and supporters groups after befriending a Hungarian Vizsla named Otto during his first year of behavioural school. Otto introduced him to Ultras around the world.

"I am fully sympathetic with the movement of fan power in the stands and pyrotechnics, but I have a skill and a use and if I don't find flares on people.... well... it sends me into such a depression that I start freebasing bowls of peanut butter and I'm determined not to let my own convictions lead me down that road again. 12 months sober," stated Max as he tapped an amulet around his neck.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Max decides to let some of the people with flares go and catch some of them based upon what they also have in their pockets in the way of food.

Atlanta Silverbacks To Employ 1 To 1 Security Presence For Fan Comfort

Atlanta, GA - The Atlanta Silverbacks ownership have announced that they will be employing a 1 to 1 security presence for fan comfort in the supporters group section at their upcoming games in light of the criticism they received about sending security into the stands to search for contraband alcohol.

"I'm just going to reach into your personal belongings here, and... oh... would you look at that... I found some Funyuns as well... I'm going to take those too."  photo: @ASFCTrust

"We decided that our few fans that show up in the supporters sections should be inconvenienced for their opinions on our policy and bringing in contraband beer," stated FD Dolleh, general manager of the Silverbacks. "We implemented a new policy that allows all of our supporters that attend Silverbacks games with their own personal security chapparone in order to cut down on shenanigans, beer drinking, ballyhoo and inappropriate behaviour in the stands."

Reportedly, this whole situation started when a Silverbacks fan snuck in a Redd's Apple Beer to the recent game and wouldn't share that beer with Mr Dolleh who stated, "It was then that I realized that they were undercutting the tiny margins that exist with running an NPSL side in the first place. And I'm not sure but I think we sell this stuff at the stadium," he paused at this point in the interview, pulled out his cell phone and called the front office to ask whether they sold beer at the stadium.

Our reporter spoke with Dick Everly, a Silverbacks fan, about this situation and he had the following to say, "They should just be happy they have any fans attending their games. It isn't like it's been easy to follow the team over the past few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sides come to an understanding that if you bring contraband beer to the game, the least you could do is share one with the general manager.

USOC Kicks Off Again As Fans Attempt To Remember Which Team Their Team Is Playing

With the United States Open Cup kicking off again on Tuesday night, fans of teams in the competition attempted to remember which team their team is playing

The 1999 Rochester Rhinos (Photo: TheCup.us)

As Major League Soccer teams begin entering the competition on this date, many fans are just now pulling themselves out of an international stupor to find that their club is now playing some club from the lower division just salivating at the chance to knock them out of the competition.

"Honestly, I'm not even certain if my club actually remembers they are playing tonight... wait..... is it tonight or tomorrow....," stated Revolution fan Isaac Presley. "I had to check around to see that we were playing the Railhawks, otherwise I wouldn't even know."

"We are playing the Wilmington Hammerheads?" stated Carla Estepor from Sandy, UT. "Are they any good this year? Do I know any of their players? What time is the game?"

Administrators state that hits to the 2016 bracket on TheCup.US spiked in the attempt of fans trying to learn which team their team is playing at what time and on which day.

"I'm hoping to ease myself back into actually caring about soccer like a kid gently dipping their toe into a pool," stated Seattle Sounders fan Joe Williams who is attending the Kitsap Pumas versus Sounders game. "At least this way I'll be ready for the next league game. I don't think my muscles have atrophied too much from not really doing anything for the past two weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some lower division team upsets an upper division team in front of a few thousand people.

High Copa America Ticket Prices Officially The Fault Of San Francisco Man

San Francisco, CA - When Hector Gomez started getting his friends into soccer he never realized that he single handedly would be to blame for allowing the US Soccer Federation to set absolutely absurd prices for the Copa America.

Hey look, a soccer fan.

"Frankly, It's absolutely sickening to think that all the hard work I did of getting my friends and neighbors into soccer has been repayed by $225 upper deck pricing for the United States game," stated Mr Gomez to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

Reportedly, Mr Gomez spent 30 years turning his friends and family onto soccer by carefully educating them and showing them games, tournaments and leagues. He attended as many games as he could that came to his state including his beloved Mexico and United States. He even cheered for the San Jose Earthquakes alongside his beloved Cruz Azul in Liga MX and had plans to attend the United States game in Seattle.

"To see all the hard work that we, as fans, have done building this sport squandered by a greed soaked US Soccer Federation and Copa America is something I didn't think I would live to see. The fact that tickets have become so expensive in such a short amount of time just shows that Americans running soccer only know how to over commercialize something and then price it to death."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez has been turned off more and more by this customer fleecing at the international level, but his joy for the game itself, remains.

"I still love futbol and I will always love futbol. I just don't have to love the people that run futbol. And I'm not about to start arguing in favor of what makes the most money for them at the detriment of fans around the rest of the continent."

American Outlaws Start Gym And Fight Club For Russia 2018 Prep

Lincoln, NE - The American Outlaws have reportedly started a gym and fight club in preperation for the upcoming 2018 World Cup in Russia.

USA! USA! USA!

"It's our goal to show the Russians that we can fight with the best of them," stated 18 year old server administrator John Mikowski from Staten Island who spoke with an American Flag bandanna covering his face. "I've got two years to put on 100 pounds and learn how to fight on the street. It seems like a completely reasonable proposal."

Reportedly, the Outlaws are working not only on their physical fitness and fighting acumen, but as well their ability to take threatening photos as they have a photography school graduate from the Madison Media Institute heading up their new "How to look tough" classes which will help them compete with the Russian Hooligan firms recently pictured with their bloodied trophies from Euro 2016.

The Nutmeg News spoke with American Outlaws media handler Davis Navan about this new program and he had the following to say.

"We understand the expectation that we are the best because we come from the best country and we have outlaw in our name. We plan on defending our constitution and the declaration of Independence, which the commie Russians have yet to acknowledge."

According to Mr Navan, the Outlaws have developed their own technique of martial arts that has levels renamed from descriptors like Crane Style to patriotic standards appropriate to the Outlaws mystique.

"We developed a new martial arts methodology that we call REGIME CHANGE. Our levels are as follows

Level 1: Rocky 1: First Blood

Level 2: WOLVERINES!

Level 3: The Bay Of Pigs

Level 4: The Alamo

Level 5: Viet-Fucking-Nam

That's RIGHT! REGIME CHANGE!!! STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY, SIR!! The Outlaws will win the fight like General Lee won Antietam with Generals Bo and Luke Duke."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The American Outlaws prepare to bring their World Cup Allocation of drunken fans in flag capes with Back-To-Back World War Champ t-shirts to the streets of Moscow in 2018.

Fan There To Support Regardless Of The Style Or Results Really Tired Of The Results And Style

Jacksonville, FL - Despite stating multiple times that he will continue going to Jacksonville Armada games regardless of the style of play or results, Armada fan Brandon Farver has publicly stated, "I'm getting really, really, really tired of these losses and this style of play."

I can't NOT go to the games... Look... they are hanging sold signs on the seats! WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.

Reportedly, the conflict with his previously stated ethos came when the Armada lost their 5th game of the 10 game spring season to the Ottawa Fury by a score of 1-0. 

Mr. Farver was found in front of his television shaking his head and repeatedly stating, "Someone... ANYONE... This is getting really exhausting. It almost makes someone not want to even go out to the freaking stadium to watch this crap. WILL SOMEONE ON THIS FREAKING TEAM SCORE A FREAKING GOAL."

The disconnect to his previously unshakable, "I positively support the team no matter what happens" ethos came as no surprise to Mr. Farver's friend Joyce Kenniworth of Fruit Cove. 

"I told him that he needed to be flexible. That sometimes teams play well and sometimes they play poorly and that when they play poorly... he might not want to actually go watch them play. He was bound and determined to be all blustery about showing up to every game and cheering on the Armada, though."

Reportedly, Mr. Farver made a deal with himself after the 1-1 draw against Tampa Bay that he wouldn't let the Armada hurt him again, but that he would go to games with a renewed cynicism that allows him to simultaneously support his club while expecting their failure at every level.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Farver at the end of the Fall season.

Missed Handball Direct Sign Of Lack Of Promotion And Relegation In United States

Experts around the country, today, agreed that the missed handball call in the recent Peru versus Brazil game was a direct sign of the lack of promotion and relegation in the United States.

Photo: AP

"This is a travesty," stated Sloan Kimberly, director of the Promotion and Relegation Is The Cause or Result or Sympton of Everything Foundation. "If Promotion and Relegation was in place, the handball would have been called, Brazil would advance, the stadiums in the United States would have been full, Canada would have made the Copa America and we would see a better standard of refereeing. Of this there is no doubt."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Harry Hannover, a Brookins Institute fellow, about this issue and he had the following to say.

"It is absolutely without a shadow of a doubt the symptom of a lack of promotion and relegation that we continue to have these problems. The anthem difficulties, the advertising kerfuffle with Adidas, these are all symptoms from the same rotten fruit. That is, a lack of promotion and relegation. If this is put in place, the tournament would nestle warm in the bosom of the United States and suckle upon the teat of royalty and all of man and woman alike would frolic in the endearing embrace of the Copa America."

While many self-fashioned experts conclude on this, others are doubtful as a random man at the Goddard Space Flight Center stated, "You are all clinically insane and I have to ask you to leave."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ills of society fall squarely upon the shoulders of a lack of promotion and relegation.

Not Content With Just MLS, Pro Referees Decide To Ruin International Tournament

Foxboro, MA - Not content with ruining Major League Soccer games and the CONCACAF Champions League, Pro Referees, today, attempted to ruin an international tournament, for fun.

I'm here.... TO SCREW THINGS UP!

"Fuck it," stated Jair Marrufo as he handed Chile the win late in the game. "I stopped caring years ago."

Reportedly, Pro Referees decided that they would officiate the Copa America to the same horrible standards that they referee Major League Soccer games in order to show that while they are utterly awful at refereeing, that at least they are consistent.

"Look, if we were better at our job we wouldn't be in the United States," stated Marrufo as he live tweeted the end of the game. "Don't care about the result #yolo #NotEvenWatchingAnymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marrufo gives no statement to the press and forgets the game even happened.

Man Absolutely Certain That Player He Didn't Know About Til 5 Minutes Ago Is Future USMNT Star

LOS ANGELES - After seeing news that USMNT U-23 winger Jerome Kiesewetter has joined Fortuna Dusseldorf, US Soccer fan Mark Thomas boldly declared Kiesewetter the future of the US Men's National Team.

Picture From Here: http://www.empireofsoccer.com/usmnt-winger-jerome-kiesewetter-joins-fortuna-dusseldorf-49376/

"He is absolutely the future!" stated Mr Thomas to The Nutmeg News. "I've never seen him play and don't know anything about him at all but I predict that he is the next Darlington Nagbe or Christian Pulisic."

Reportedly, Mr Thomas is already planning a campaign of hyping up the youngsters talents and has started shopping for his kit to add to his collection of future international stars which includes his Bolton kit for Stuart Holden, his Freddy Adu Benfica kit, and his Landon Donovan Bayer Leverkusen throwback.

"I can't wait to see him holding the World Cup up in 2018. This is going to be great," proclaimed Thomas on Facebook.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas forgets he made this purchase and wonders who the hell ordered a Kiesewetter Dusseldorf kit.

Proper Hooligan Plans MLS Firm Punch Up After He Finishes Updating Nginx Server To 1.10.1

Denver, CO - Proper hooligan, Dale Jeffers, has stated that he plans on planning a scheduled fight between Major League Soccer firms just as soon as he finishes updating his Nginx server to the current release of 1.10.1.

"This is for my club and my city!"

"We are going to have a right proper punch up!" stated Jeffers to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Just as soon as I document all these "CreateFile() failed" errors that were generated when I started creating temporary files on Windows. Fortunately, according to the Nginx change log, when I update all the way to 1.10.1 that will fix all these bugs and then we are GOING TO HAVE A RIGHT SCRUM IN THE STREETS IN OUR BEST SHELL SUITS AND TRAINERS!"

Jeffers and fellow administrators that coordinate Sharepoint and Salesforce implementations belong to a Rapids firm by the name of "The Hard Boyz Of IT" which have it out for any firms coming into the Rapids territory that think they can take over their city and appropriately configure a scaled server in a cloud environment without client downtime.

"Motherfuckers be TRIPPING if they think they can come into the Rapids territory with their gnu distros," stated Salesforce admin specialist Yancey Harbottle. "I'll straight tell them to shut down their servers and then we will have a broken bottle fight up and DOWN Commerce City about the differences of our soccer teams."

According to sources within the underground MLS fight scene, the Hard Boyz Of IT have challenged the Pepe Meme Ultras of San Jose to a server load times rumble and bats only match in the parking lot next to the rec soccer fields next to Dick Sporting Goods Park.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the meet up is cancelled due to a lack of grounded power outlets in the area.