NWSL Suspends 2018 Season After Finding That Teams Can Use Tactics

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) reportedly suspended the 2018 season after finding out that teams within the league can use TACTICS.

Photo: Ann Odong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Sam-kerr-2017-algarve.jpg

"We were unaware of TACTICS until we read a recent article on gossip and news website AllTheShitThatFitsToPrint.com," stated managing director of operations Amanda Duffy. "A number of coaches and players reached out to us asking whether they could use tactics and we realized there was a problem."

According to the bylaws of the NWSL, TACTICS are prohibited for a team unless administered by a man and overseen by a tribunal of men known as the BroVersight Committee.

"We made certain that women wouldn't be confused by tactics," stated BroVersight Committee member Thomas London. "We know that the women on our teams just don't know that they are in a position, out there. We tell the players about a 4-4-2 or 4-2-3-1 position; and they blankly look at us while slowly returning to their jump squats, deadlifts and Mixed Martial Arts combat training."

According to inside sources, the NWSL will shut down for the entirety of the 2018 season until it has enough men running their teams so that the clueless women on the field can be correctly observed implementing TACTICS in an appropriate manner.

As well, according to USSF guidelines, the women will be required to watch the entire 2018 World Cup Qualifying campaign for the US Men's National Team to learn what real tactical implementation looks like.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TACTICS go wrong and NWSL players just aimlessly run around in circles.

Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume

Tampa, FL - Earlier this year, The Nutmeg News reported on Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski who was waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma.

STILL waiting!!

We checked back in on Pulaski to find that she is still waiting for the stream to resume in her quixotic quest to watch the end of the game she started over four months ago.

"So after the hurricane I struck around waiting for the stream to start again," stated Pulaski from our interview with her at The Blind Tiger Coffee Shop in Ybor City. "We rebuilt. The waters receded. I claimed a few things to insurance that I lost in a storage locker. I went to my moms house for a bit. I quit my job to focus on something that I loved. Meanwhile, I'm still waiting for the stream to resume."

Pulaski stated that she has intentionally taken a four month leave of social media and the internet in an attempt to focus on not having the game spoiled as she still waits for the streaming service to resume.

"If I'm patient, it will happen," stated Pulaski for the 486th time. "Go90 are good, Go90 won't abandon me. Their will be done. We shall find the peace and the time for the resumption when my duties to the holy rotating wheel are good enough to bless my countenance with the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Pulaski sacrifices a chicken in an attempt to please the streaming gods.

Grown Man Successfully Spends Only 7 Hours Of His Work Day Arguing On Social Media About Commitment Of Jonathan Gonzalez

Tallahassee, FL - Steve Marshall, aged 38, successfully spent only 7 hours of his 8 hour work day arguing about the dedication of 18 year old Jonathan Gonzalez on Big Soccer, Reddit, Facebook and Twitter before calling it a day, browsing LinkedIN, and heading home for the evening.

THAT'LL show that freeloader about taking up a spot for deserving people.

"I told myself that I was going to cut down on how much time I spend arguing on line and I managed to not do it all day," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News. "I spent about 30 minutes responding to email, and an additional 30 in the bathroom scanning Instagram for pictures of half naked fitness models."

Marshall stated that his Tuesday wasn't so busy that he couldn't take 7 hours out of his scheduled 8 hour shift for Intertech Amalgamated to anonymously rant about the nationality of Gonzalez and dig up salacious rumors about his commitment.

"HE IS A FREELOADER," stated Marshall as he continued to surf online for new jobs. "A FUCKING FREELOADER."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marshall plans on spending only 3 hours ranting on Gonzalez during his Wednesday shift as he plans an additional 4 hours of ranting on the United States holding soccer games in predominantly Hispanic community areas.

John Herdman Demoted To Canadian Men's Soccer After Women's Team Failures

OTTAWA - Late night bulletins out of Ottawa indicate that former Women's soccer coach John Herdman was demoted to the Canadian Men's team after failures in the Algarve cup doomed his team career.

"We wish John all the best," stated Canadian Soccer Association President Steve Reed. "He was unable to secure the trophy we want the most in the Algarve Cup. There must be penalties for failure and his penalty, while understandably harsh, will also reflect the severity of his transgression."

Reports state that Herdman was taking his demotion well but that he failed to notify any of his players to this shame as he walked across the locker room to take over a Canadian Men's program that last made the World Cup in 1986.

"Yes, this is a World Cup qualifying year," stated Reed to The Nutmeg News. "However we needed to immediately make this decision. It was important to us to do this so fast that we were unable to notify anyone to the switch despite the fact that contract negotiations and decisions like this are made over the course of weeks and months rather than just immediately."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the last Canadian Women's National Team member is notified via telegram of Herdman's departure.

Soccer Supporter Quits Twitter For Record 146th Time

Boston, MA - Revolution supporter Heather Stephens stated to friends that she decided to quit Twitter and deactivate her @NERevs4Me146 account for the 146th time dethroning current Guinness World Record holder Dominic Fellows who quit soccer twitter for the 145th time during the US game against Trinidad and Tobago.

DO IT..... DO IT!

"Twitter just makes me incredibly depressed," stated Stephens to The Nutmeg News. "From politics and the dumpster fire in Washington to my team just messing around when others are picking up players in private jets.... ugh..... I just don't want it anymore. Have you SEEN the #NEREVS hashtag? HAVE YOU? God, no... I don't need another season of this."

Sources indicate that the other 145 times that Stephens quit Twitter she was quickly back on the service within 3 months after realizing she was missing her soccer friends that weren't local.

"This time I'm figuring out how to contact people without needing the service. There needs to be some messaging app that isn't text messaging where I can chat with people," stated Ms Stephens to The Nutmeg News. "I'm simultaneously tired of people but also need them. It's a delicate situation. There were 145 @NERevs4Me accounts and I KNOW that THIS TIME I won't cave and make a 147th account." 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Stephens creates @NERevs4Me147 in 2 months.

Fan Of NASL Team Waiting For League Proof Of Life

Indianapolis, IN - Indy Eleven fan Jim Lovatt stated that while some of his friends were celebrating the release of the Major League Soccer (MLS) schedule that he was still waiting for a proof of life from the North American Soccer League (NASL).

YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"The last thing the league really sent out about the upcoming year was information on the letter sent to the US Soccer Federation about the upcoming presidential election," stated Lovatt to The Nutmeg News. "That literally does nothing for me other than making me anxious about the theoretical upcoming 2018 season."

Lovatt admitted that his attempt to plan out his vacations and personal obligations for 2018 lead to this anxiety as he stated, "I don't know if I'll be watching a team or mourning the death of a league or going to more Division 3 games in the future, or just taking a lot more vacation time this year for actual vacations. I just want some kind of indication that everything is going to continue where the signs are more than a bunch of millionaires sparring about the future of my team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lovatt dresses himself in all his team gear and rocks back and forth in a corner for 30 minutes.

Man Wearing Front Office Gear Betrays Scene

San Jose, CA - Reports from Jody Steinwick's New Year's party indicate that soccer fanatic Paul Sanders totally betrayed the whole fucking scene by wearing front office gear to the late night bash.

"Paul is a fucking sellout," raged capo Ben Ross. "He wears supporters gear for the rest of the year, but then shows up with an Earthquakes t-shirt? What a fucking poser."

We spoke with scene legend and resident Earthquakes crank Cameron Anderson who stated that he, "Always knew that Paul was a fucking noob. A FUCKING SELLOUT NOOB," as he smashed his fist down dramatically to illustrate his point.

Sanders, reportedly, was running late to the party and needed something to wear grabbing the only clean t-shirt out of his drawer without realizing his mistake. The knowledge of this being the case did nothing to sway the opinions of the guardians of the soccer scene who realized quickly that his disastrous t-shirt grab only exacerbated the feelings they already had about Mr. Sanders.

"If he was a real soccer ultra he would have showed up to the party without a shirt after realizing his mistake," stated a fan who didn't wish to be identified. "True ultras don't need anything to show their passion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders overcompensates in 2018 in order to fix his street cred.

Early Schedule Release Angers Fans Looking For Stupid Drama

The early schedule release by Major League Soccer (MLS) angered a large section of soccer fans in the United States who were hoping for endless weeks of pithy drama about the schedule not being out, yet.

"I had MEMES," stated David Hathaway of Brooklyn, NY. "MEMES. Arm loads of MEMES and shitposting to do about this and they release the schedule four days into 2018!? What am I supposed to do with all this," he stated as he pantomimed putting imaginary memes and posts onto a table.

According to insiders affiliated with Twitter, the announcement of the MLS schedule being released on Thursday forced the deletion of over 100 Tweet drafts having to do with the delayed schedule announcement.

"What am I supposed to do now?" asked veteran shitposter Pete Norman. "All I had left was making fun of the league for not having the schedule out. Now all that is really left is making fun of the fans of my own team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one brave person decides to forge against the tide and pretend like the schedule is late anyway.

Major League Soccer Releases Columbus Crew Death Kit

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, released the Columbus Crew death kit for their final 2019 season before they move to Austin.

The kit comes in funeral colors as the Crew Ownership and Major League Soccer quickly attempt to shovel dirt on the franchise in their attempt to move the team somewhere where they can be more profitable.

"The black color is an attempt to evoke death," stated Adidas kit designer Jesse Cabalero. "Major League Soccer said that we needed a somber kit reminiscent of a team heading off on a year long funeral procession and we delivered."

Fans say that the black kit is likely the most appropriate thing the league has done since they decided to screw every Crew fan in the world, over the past few years.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Crew switch their walk out song to The End by The Doors.

Eric Wynalda Calls On FIFA To Hack Kathy Carter's Emails

Miami, FL. — Eric Wynalda said on Wednesday that he hoped FIFA intelligence services had successfully hacked Kathy Carter's email, and encouraged them to publish whatever they may have stolen, essentially urging a foreign adversary to conduct cyberespionage against a former president of Soccer United Marketing.

“FIFA, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails about promotion and relegation that are missing,” Mr. Wynalda said during a news conference here in an apparent reference to Mrs. Carter's emails. “I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by the three unpaid interns still covering the sport in the United States.”

Mr. Wynalda's call was another bizarre moment in the mystery of whether Gianni Infantino's organization has been seeking to influence the United States Soccer Federation's Presidential race.

His comments came amid questions about the hacking of the Soccer United Marketing's computer servers, which American soccer agencies have told the Federation they have “high confidence” was the work of the FIFA organization.

At the same news conference, Mr. Wynalda also appeared to leave the door open to accepting FIFA’s acceptance of a Qatar World Cup bid eight years ago — which the United States and its European allies consider a really dumb fucking idea. That World Cup, and the continued efforts of FIFA-aided insurgents to undermine the United States justice department, are the reason that the United States Soccer Federation, Trinidad/Tobago, and their allies still have economic sanctions in force against FIFA.

When asked whether he would recognize Qatar “as World Cup territory” and lift the sanctions, Mr. Wynalda said: “We’ll be looking at that. Yeah, we’ll be looking.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kyle Martino asks for a candidate debate to talk about instituting single payer healthcare for soccer players.

Woman Starts New Year By Hiding Viewing of Arsenal v Chelsea From Employer

Philadelphia, PA - Accountant Jessica Haim returned to work on Wednesday and started the new year by surreptitiously hiding her viewing of Arsenal v Chelsea from her ever present and roaming boss who was unaware of the cell phone strategically positioned below Ms. Haim's desk.

"Yes, Yes, Of course that wasn't in. Double post. Yes. Ok, I have to go."

"New Year, New Me," tweeted Ms. Haim from her locked twitter account @MorataIsGod13 as she prepared to continue her trend of hiding her obsession with soccer by streaming the Premier League game from a hidden vantage point. "Hoping to see Conte really take the Gunners apart #blessed."

According to friends, the only way Ms. Haim can get through the drudgery of a job she hates in a career field she regrets is the constant love that she feels from the London side that blesses her weeks and fills her day with meaning. 

"If all I had was my job and my empty apartment? Oh.....yeah....... that would be bad," stated Ms. Haim to her friend Becky Lindgaard. "Yeah, say what you want to about my shitty job, but I still have the Blues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Haim attempts to celebrate a counter attack by transferring a motion of excitement into crossing leg motion.

Red Bull Fan Waiting Til The Right Time To Suggest A Plane Flying A Banner Over Stadium

NEW YORK - Red Bull fan Raul Gonzalez stated that he is waiting until the right time to suggest the fans paying for a plane flying a RED BULL OUT banner over Red Bull Arena after the front office of the MLS team traded captain Sacha Kljestan to Orlando City for two players.

Yeah, this kind of stuff.

"It has to be the right moment of fan anger," stated Gonzalez to The Nutmeg News. "We've been through this before so I don't want to jump the gun like after the Dax trade."

According to friends, Gonzalez suggest flying a RED BULL OUT banner over Red Bull Arena too early after the team traded captain Dax McCarty to the Chicago Fire. The banner was so poorly supported that it reached a paltry 5% of the gofundme financial target.

"It's important to read the room," stated David Dilby, director of fan anger for ITT Tech. "We, as humans, need to reach the right amount of critical mass before donating $5 to a blimp or plane anger device."

Friends say that Gonzalez has had 50% success with his plane and blimp funding suggestions so he is desperate to make the conversion on this one, even if it means waiting until the NEXT moment of anger.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gonzalez debates a billboard versus plane banner funding plan.

Fan Still Wondering When He Votes For USSF President

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan David Hernandez admitted that he's been all riled up by the spurious rumors thrown around  regarding who is being paid off by whom in the US Soccer Federation presidential election; and he can't wait to vote on the matter as soon as someone explains how he goes about doing that.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you won't be able to do this, ever.

"Journalists and fans are, apparently, unaware that they do not actually vote on the USSF presidential election," stated Cambridge fellow and Brooking's institute director of how they get that filling in Pop Tarts Henry Thomas. "There are so many reporters and faux-journalist bloggers talking about the election that they all forgot the simple fact that most of the people hearing these salacious rumors actually don't have the ability to vote in the election."

The truth of the matter aside, Hernandez stated that he was excited to participate in the election just as soon as he figures out how exactly a regular soccer fan votes.

"I'm excited for the possibility to overthrow the oligarchy and vote against the big interests, just like everyone's been tweeting about. I support Eric Wynalda and I'm going to cast my vote with the rest of my revolutionaries as soon as we figure out how the hell to do that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez and his friends just continue to post unending threads about the election on Twitter instead.

Adidas Shocks World By Making Red Kit

NEW YORK - The global soccer and lifestyle brand Adidas shocked the world New Years Day by making a Red kit for Red Bull New York as fans across the world marveled at the red kit.

IT'S RED.

"IT'S RED. THEY DID IT. THOSE GLORIOUS BASTARDS," stated Nike director of design Roger Mawinga. "No one thought that anyone could make a red kit, but they did it! They made a red kit!"

Sources say that the Red Kit was in design since 2006 as the MLS side tasked Adidas to make history by finding a way to dye fabric a shade of red.

"No one has ever had a red top before," stated British Vogue director of fashion Venetia Scott. "It's truly something original and new that we could see a shade of red on clothing. No one has ever seen such a thing before."

Fans state that they are thrilled as the long promised possibility of RED Bulls playing in RED has now materialized from their dreams to fabric.

"I've seen the Pyramids of Giza, Machu Picchu, Stonehenge, and now this," stated Red Bull fan Carl Porziklova. "This wonder of the world, the creation of a red garment, will outlast all of them."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all fans bow down to the Red Glory.