LA Galaxy Terminate Ashley Cole’s Contract By Mutual Consent

LOS ANGELES - Ashley Cole has had his contract with LA Galaxy terminated by mutual consent, with the former England defender now tipped to move to a beach outside Miami.

 Ashley Cole leaves Galaxy after making just 0 MLS appearances. Photograph: Carlos Rodrigues/Getty Images

The 35-year-old has not featured for the American club this season having joined one hour ago on a two-year contract and was told he is not part of Bruce Arena's plans.

On Tuesday, LA Galaxy released a statement confirming Cole’s contract had been terminated by mutual consent.

“The 35-year-old English defender joined LA Galaxy in January 2015 following spells with Crystal Palace, Arsenal,Chelsea, and AS Roma” read the statement.

“After never making his Galaxy debut, Cole went on to make a total of 0 appearances in Major League Soccer (MLS) and a further zero appearances in the NASL and the USL.

“The club would like to thank Cole for his commitment during his stay in Malibu and wish him the very worst for his future career.”

Jordan Morris Returns From Werder Bremen To Begin New Career

Seattle, WA - Jordan Morris returned from his successful trial with Werder Bremen to start his new career with Hotdog On A Stick at The Outlet Collection in Seattle, Washington on Friday.

"Would you like a Veggi Dog on a stick with that?"

"I'm excited to be taking this new step in my life," stated Morris to The Nutmeg News. "It's a big step for me after my wanderlust month in Germany, but this is really what I'm passionate about. Hot Dogs and the fine perfection of a gourmet hotdog experience."

Morris reportedly had a number of offers from both the German club and teams in the United States, but he considered his options and realized that a Stanford education would open doors for him at Hotdog On A Stick, that playing for the Seattle Sounders would not.

"I dream of getting in the corporate office with Hotdog On A Stick, and possibly working my way into the R&D department. I want to bring out the wasabi dog, the chipotle dog, and a few other special projects that I've been working on testing while I was in Germany. Werder wanted someone focused on soccer, but my focus is on my wieners. It's time for America to have a true Hotdog On A Stick experience."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgen Klinsmann has an aneurysm over this news.

Area Man Thinks Your Daughter Should Shut Up And Go To College

Boise, ID - Darren Collingsworth, local loudmouth and patron of the Arctic Circle in Nampa, has admitted that he thinks you have completely screwed up as a parent and that your soccer playing daughter should shut up, sit down, and go to college.

"..BUT WHAT ABOUT A COLLEGE EDUCATION? SHE WONT GET A JOB WITH STARBUCKS WITHOUT IT."

Firing a number of tweets online, Collingsworth ripped into your daughter saying, "They aren't ready for the real world. I don't care how talented they are at soccer, they need to go to college."

While some think that the only person who can accurately determine what they should do with their life is the person themselves, Collingsworth reportedly thinks that the verbal diarrhea that spews out of his Twitter and Facebook account should be the only thing that coaches your kids future.

"This kid is going to ruin her life. #ParentsFail" stated Collingsworth noting that, "I can't help but think that they are going to get taken advantage, this is clearly a mistake. What kind of person thinks that a woman at 18 is ready for the world? She isn't. What a colossal mistake."

While Collingsworth has this opinion of your daughter, he is equally passionate about the future of your son leaving technical college to go weld on an oil-field overseas, "That boy will really get a jump on his future!"

Rights To Alex Morgan's Body And Career Taken After Online "Dibs" Verified

Albany, NY - The rights to Alex Morgan's body and career were announced as taken after an online "dibs" was verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland.

MINE. MINE. MINE.

The "dibs" was reportedly performed by Stephen "MAX FLOW" Grammercy, a 17 year old high school student from Albany, New York. Mr. Grammercy is a member of the chess club, president of the Latin club and an all around pervert who comments on women's photos online.

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Grammercy how the acquisition happened and he had the following to say, "I saw this picture of my bae online and was like, 'she's looking totally fine, n'shit' so I just said dibs, cause I know that she wants some of this."

With women clearly not having any right to their own choices, bodies or careers, Mr. Grammercy availed himself of the age old system of foisting his own desires on the body of Ms. Morgan by utilizing the dibs system. A bid of dibs was announced on a photo, it was confirmed by three other people online, and then verified by the Bank of Royal Scotland as being correct. According to the by-laws of the International Council of Douchebags, if a dibs is performed the woman must subjugate herself to the man's wants. Also, the dib bidder will receive his "props" from his ICD friends, who will also, according to proper decorum, remark "No, I had dibs on her first."

Ms. Morgan will have to now surrender herself to the whims of Mr Grammercy for all eternity and attend comic-con by his side dressed as the woman of his choice. "She's gonna make a bomb-ass Slave Leia #bae #dibs #myboo," posted Mr. Grammercy to his snapchat with a picture of Morgan in a bikini.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Grammercy goes online to try to secure the first dibs on Sydney Leroux.

Shortage Of "YASSSSS QUEEEEEEN" Comments On Soccer Instagram Pushes Woman Into Action

Lincoln, NE - After noticing a shortage of "YASSSSSS QUEEEEEN" comments on the pictures of women soccer stars that play for the United States, Janice Gard was pressed into action on Monday morning.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNN #FIERCE

"The lack of comments were disturbing to me," stated Ms Gard. "I begin to notice fewer and fewer YASSSSSSS QUEEN statements, fewer hashtags of the YASSS QUEEEN varietal, and more conversation by people rather than just blanket statements of complete bullshit. I knew then that it was my goal to reinstate YAASSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEN to the forefront of the Instagram comment that people randomly leave on United States international soccer stars pictures."

While many people think that this methodology of conversation is the equivalent of trying to have a conversation in real life by quoting memes, Ms Gard doesn't believe that to be the case.

"YASSSSS QUEEEEN is important. It shows that I think she is a QUEEEEEN and that YASSSSSSS you ARE a QUEEEEEEEEEN. It's #fierce #fire #YASSSSSSSQUEEEEN. I don't need more of an explanation than that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on that as Ms. Gard posts 30 different versions of the "started from the bottom, now we here" gif photoshopped with the heads of Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan and Carli Lloyd to Tumblr.

Ex-Player Doesn't Know Why Amateurish Assholes Won't Hire Him To Coach

Baltimore, MD - Ex-player Eric Wynalda once again admitted he is baffled that those amateurish assholes in Major League Soccer won't hire him.

"Apparently the fact that I wore this kit makes it OK for me to just be a complete prick all the time."

"It's a league filled with perpetual dickheads participating in a ponzi scheme and defrauding the youth of America," stated Wynalda to a random group of strangers on Saturday morning. "I think they are the scum of the earth, they know nothing about soccer, and that they are the biggest jerks I've ever seen. I just don't understand why they won't hire me to coach a team."

While Mr Wynalda continued calling the executives of nearly every soccer team in the United States and Canada base idiots dedicated to a secret cabal to keep soccer from becoming a preeminent sport by their lack of insight and ability to think about anything, he also couldn't understand why he wasn't coaching in the league he hates so much.

"If they offered me a job, I'd tell them to go screw themselves and then I'd ask on twitter why I didn't get a job offer. It's the circle of life. I hate/love them so much. The best part is that every time I open my mouth, someone somewhere will cover it as though it is news. It is amazing the longevity I can get saying unbelievably stupid things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen every year.

NWSL To Withhold Schedule Til 5th Week Of Season

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced today that they would be withholding the NWSL schedule til the 5th week of the season to build up a sense of anticipation.

I THINK THERE IS AN NWSL GAME GOING ON. SET IT DOWN!

"We plan on not announcing anything until after a certain number of teams have played. In this way we can really build up a sense of anticipation and frenzy regarding the schedule announcement," stated NWSL commissioner Jeff Plush. "We want to have our fans find out when their teams will play by haphazardly walking by the stadium, seeing some players on the field and realizing there is a game going on. This methodology will really build up our fan base in core areas where there are fans lingering by the stadium to actually see if anything is going on."

While the schedule release of the NWSL may go until the 5th week of the season, Commissioner Plush stated that they would still have a schedule of some kind to get the season started.

"We are just going to have regional teams play each other til about half way through the season. We can have 6 Portland v Seattle games this way and really build up that rivalry. At some point, when we release the schedule, the teams can play other teams in the league but we will just start with playing whatever team is closest to you in a 500 mile radius. For some teams this means your season isn't going to start until July, but they will just have to deal."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the NWSL announce more changes to their format.

Jack Harrison Buys Freedom From Chicago With 30 Gold-Pressed Bars Of Latinum

Baltimore, MD - Ignoring the age old advice that his father told him of never make a financial deal with a Ferengi, Jack Harrison (the first pick in the 2016 MLS Superdraft) reportedly forced a trade away from the Chicago Fire to NYCFC by utilizing 30 gold-pressed bars of latinum that he borrowed from an unnnamed man on Tuesday morning.

Anonymous man, Artist rendition.

"Hell no I wasn't going to Chicago," stated Harrison on Friday. "I already made a deal with (name redacted for safety) to buy my freedom from this draft and he made a deal with NYCFC. It's a bit like human trafficking, but at least I'm not playing in Bridgeview."

With Harrison out of Chicago, it remains unclear what this unnamed financier of Latinum will require from Harrison in order to be completely repaid. Harrison, for his part, remains defiant that he acted appropriately.

"Yes, I did the right thing. I can either go to a place where I have a small but possible chance of making it to Europe or a place where I  have a better than average chance of ending my career with the Dayton Dutch Lions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrison tries to learn the Two Hundred Eighty-Five Rules of Acquisition in order to force his freedom.

NWSL Changes Acquisition Rules To Actual Calvinball

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) announced that they recently revised their rules on allocation and acquisition at the 2016 draft. Reportedly the NWSL made a number of different changes in the way in which international and non-attached players could be allocated. In order to help fans understand these rule changes the NWSL released the following statement on their rule change.

CALVINBALL.

The Nutmeg News can confirm that the league is now allowing the square root of X when Y attacks in a purple phase allowing the green garden goalie to supersede the format of Pluto while it phases behind the moon. Reportedly this will allow national team players to form a quorum huddle to dictate their acquisition rights via a mock trial held with croquet mallets, a Huxtable daughter (preferably Tempest Bledsoe), and a battle to the death with the manager of their choice in the NWSL. There will be a light snack at noon which will be followed by a rage painting race to see who can synchronize their chi through interpretive art while their teammates pelt them with wedges of cheese from Guernsey. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this rule change as it flows and grows with the need of the league.

Sporting Kansas City Draft Pile Of Money

Baltimore, MD - Sporting Kansas City announced on Thursday that they drafted a pile of money as their pick in the MLS Superdraft bringing high acclaim from draft experts.

Well played

Draft Expert Taylor Twellman stated, "Given the option available to them, Sporting KC made the right pick. Would you rather have a boat load of money or a player you need to stash away on the bench until he ends up starting for Sacramento in the USL after three years in your development system?"

Peter Vermes was reportedly pleased with the acquisition of a pile of money as told The Nutmeg News, "We will be able to do a lot more with this than we would with a 22 year old college graduate with a mediocre touch. I'm planning on getting a kit made with 'cash money' that the pile of money can wear before we use it to sign a Spanish fullback with potential."

Tampa Bay Mutiny Confirm 2001 Trade Of Assets To Colorado Rapids

Tampa Bay, FL - Today, the defunct and long dead ownership group of the Tampa Bay Mutiny had their trade to the Colorado Rapids of a 2002 second round draft pick, a ball washer, the managerial career of Perry Van der Beck and the curse of poor ownership confirmed by Major League Soccer after 15 years.

"We figured that now  was as good a time as any to confirm that we made this trade to the general public" said ex-president of the Mutiny, Bill Manning. "Look we needed to get the stink of our ownership off the franchise. We were going under and we just needed to pass this off to anybody. Stan Kroenke didn't even remember he had a soccer team in Colorado at that time so he was more than happy to take on the curse of our non-existent ownership at that time."

While terms and conditions of the deal were not announced, Mark Abbot (the president of Major League Soccer) stated that he thought now was as good a time as any to announce the trade.

"We did it because people were digging around in other things and we hoped this would show our commitment to transparency. In the end, everyone still found out about the trade between D.C. United and the New York Red Bulls from 2015 AND we had to announce this deal between the Mutiny and Rapids. So... yeah... today hasn't been a great day."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these secret dealings when Major League Soccer announce that Landon Donovan was being paid by the San Jose Earthquakes every season since 2004.

Major League Soccer Changes From Draft To Forced Conscription

NEW YORK - With the potential of another failed draft upcoming, Major League Soccer has decided to change from a draft of the best youth players that didn't go to Europe or Mexico, to forced conscription.

Parents in Portland, Oregon protest against the Major League Soccer draft.

"We felt that the draft wasn't bringing enough talent into the league," stated Dave Kaval, president of the San Jose Earthquakes. "With forced conscription, we will go into the homes of parents nation wide with an armed phalanx of heavily trained paramilitary forces. We will remove teenagers who are of soccer playing age and force them to train at facilities to improve their skills and give us a better return on value."

While the idea of force-ably removing teenagers has generated considerable consternation online, the president of Major League Soccer (Mark Abbot) has indicated that this is only step one.

"Very soon we will start removing any child age 7 to 18 that shows aptitude at the game. We will enforce these measures to ensure that we have a vibrant player pool going forward. In order to bring US Soccer into a new golden age of soccer we must all make sacrifices. If those sacrifices are letting your child go practice triangle passing for 10 hours a day at a gated and heavily armed compound in Bradenton, then so be it."

The Nutmeg News asked parents whether or not they supported the new efforts of Major League Soccer to enforce children to play soccer and the results were staggering.

They didn't specify WHICH Milan.

A massive 90% said that they would support the effort if their children ended up millionaires that could support them in their old age, going so far as to say that they would drive them to the detention facility if they could just get some goddamn peace and quiet.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this measure as it begins.

Major League Soccer Source Reports, "Most Of The Undisclosed MLS Terms Of The Transaction Are Sexual Favors"

A source within Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed to The Nutmeg News that most of the undisclosed "terms of the transaction" on MLS contracts are sexual, home renovation and general life favors exchanged between the executives of Major League Soccer.

While the terms on this transaction were run of the mill, another term of a transaction earlier in 2015 had a stipulation regarding a bulk supply of butt plugs and Roger Miller compact discs.

"You wouldn't believe some of the crazy things I've seen," said the anonymous source to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "There's been an addendum added to contracts that stipulate nude house cleaning for the month of January. There's been an addendum about building a BDSM chamber below a stadium. There was even an MLS cup winner bonus of a sad, lonely handjob in the corner of Mapfre stadium while 'send in the clowns' was being played over the loudspeaker system. I can't confirm whether or not this cup bonus was actually hit but you wouldn't believe some of the requests in the contract transfers."

While many of the undisclosed terms feature jaw-dropping sexual favors between the ownership groups and members involved in the contract, many are rather mundane as reportedly many of the ownership groups use these undisclosed terms to run their every day errands.

"There was a terms and conditions clause in the Mix Diskerud contract that indicated he had to give hair care seminars to a mistress (who reportedly had frizzy hair) of a purported friend of one of the NYCFC executives," stated our source. "There was also a proviso that indicated Alan Gordon would work on the birdhouse of the nephew of Phil Anschutz if Gordon was substituted in earlier than the 55th minute more than 5 times in one season. I also distinctly remember that most of the Chivas USA squad was used to do general maintenance around the compound of Jorge Vergara and they called it community re-investment."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hidden terms of the transaction as they come to light.

TNN Style And Brand Watch: City And United, Rising - Regionally Appropriate Nicknames, Falling

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the trends in Men's soccer in the United States for 2016.

Well, kick this thing right off with the #1 trend of 2016:

CITY/UNITED:

YES, brand recognized important demographic of readers and viewers, City and United are the way forward for your club or franchise team branding while nicknames like Whitecaps, Sounders, and Timbers are on their way out. The branding experts have spoken and their focus groups of unaffiliated people in the office that were pulled out of accounting meetings think that Location followed by United and/or City speak to a general fan, while also conveying an ideal of dignity and universality. 

City and United, as branded entities, bring us together and most of them also give an air of the European to our provincial leagues which helps bring on board those that think names like Chicago Sting are stupid! As our brand experts indicate, the only thing about City and United that will offend someone is the lack of effort put forth towards picking a different name. 

YES, FRIENDS. The brand of your club is the methodology by which the front office engages you at a specific price point for an exchange of entertainment! It's SCIENCE! 

What The Nutmeg News style board is looking for in 2016 is branded and appropriately marketed supporters groups in Major League Soccer. Names like Timbers Army, Emerald City Supporters, The Southsiders, and The Cauldron are all woefully out of date when it comes to current branding trends. 

We hope to see Portland City Supporters United, Or Seattle United Soccer Club City, or possibly Vancouver City United Football Club Supporters, or possibly Kansas City City United Supporters United Football Club (KCCUSUFC). The way forward for these groups of fans is appropriate branding and a concerted effort at trademarking while expanding their brand potential through social media! 

So keep on trend and keep on brand, friends. We will see you in the future for more TNN style trends and brand watch!

Desperate For Authenticity, Local Sports Reporter Covers Ballon d'Or As Though It Matters

Topeka, KS - Desperate for authenticity and page views, local Kansas sports reporter Graham Darrow covered the Ballon d'Or ceremony by live blogging the happenings on the Topeka Capital-Journal website as though the ceremony actually mattered.

It's basically one or the other for 8 years. Even if someone has a  better season it is likely Ronaldo or Messi are going to win. 

"I could be covering something local or even trying to cover the early season for Sporting Kansas City, but I've been told that this Ballon thing is a big deal internationally so I'm just going to write about it as though I'm shocked that the guy who wins isn't the guy who wins nearly every year," stated Darrow to friends on Sunday evening. 

While this grasp at authenticity may seem shallow to some, Darrow desperately needs the clicks on his newspaper live blog to keep his job within the quickly vanishing industry. "Newspapers are dead and I'm just trying to ride this thing into the ground. The more clicks I can get the better, even if that means that I'm just repeating trite observations like how the players are dressed and whether it is totally awesome that Carli Lloyd just won player of the year. It literally doesn't have anything to do with Topeka, Kansas or Kansas City sports, but honestly... it was this or write a Golden Globes recap. If I can get a few hundred or thousand clicks out of this thing it will at least confirm to my boss that someone cares that I'm writing about soccer. It may be pandering but it has a point. I've got to eat and if writing about foregone conclusions with a global reach keeps me employed then I'm going to double down on it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we try to figure out the logistics of writing a piece about someone writing a piece.

Journalist Convinced Player Is Number Five Pick Having Watched 30 Minutes Of Him Running

Lauderhill, Florida- Increasingly, journalist Brandon Weter is convinced that a player he watched for 30 minutes on Sunday is going to be the number five pick in the Major League Soccer draft.

"So, guys... who do YOU think is the best player in the draft?"

"This Oscar Rast from Pepperdine is the real deal" said Weter to all of his twitter followers is a vine video posted on Monday morning. "I predict he will go #5 in the draft," he stated as though he had some kind of authority or knowledge on the matter.

When asked by The Nutmeg News how he could possibly know where the player was going to be drafted, Mr Weter stated that he knew because the team with the 5th pick let him know that they were going to take the Mr Rast in the 5th position.

"There's knowing and there's letting people know what you know," stated Mr Weter. "In my case, my heavy scouting of watching him run for the last 30 minutes combined with sitting right behind the coaching staffs as they talk about players they like, has truly informed me of what I think is going to happen. Granted none of these opinions are actually my opinions, but that is what news truly is, these days. News is the ability to pass on information that you learned by sitting behind a bunch of other, smarter people and acting as though it is your own conclusion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Weter's opinions when he talks about the size of Joshua Yaro.

Man Becomes Educated On The Layout Of Los Angeles Via LAFC Logo Announcement

Des Moines, IA - Iowa native Charlie Hanover teased, on twitter, about Los Angeles finally getting a soccer team in their city before he was inundated with information about how Los Angeles is setup and whether or not Carson is considered part of the greater Los Angeles area.

Traffic pretty much as far as you can see.

"I just wanted to make a joke about how Carson, California is not really in Los Angeles, but I then spent the next 2 hours arguing geography with random people online before realizing that I wasn't going to win this argument," stated the now contrite man to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I started my argument by only working with the downtown Los Angeles area, but I ended up getting into a twitter fight over whether parts of Laurel Canyon, Malibu and Anaheim are considered Los Angeles. The whole thing is very confusing and I really wish I never made the joke in the first place. The number one thing I learned is that people are really defensive about the size, sprawl and encompassing nature of Los Angeles." 

Mr Hanover admitted that he now considers everything south of San Francisco and north of San Diego part of Los Angeles, just so he doesn't have to have any more conversations about whether Los Angeles is a collection of dissimilar neighborhoods united under one name or not.

"Dear god in heaven, set me free from these trolls," Mr Hanover exclaimed on twitter before he was told that Los Angeles means the Angels and that God would still consider areas south of Carson and north-west of Burbank part of Los Angeles.

San Jose Earthquakes Announce Upcoming Minor Signings

San Jose, CA - The San Jose Earthquake front office announced on Friday that they were working towards some very minor signings the like of which have been seen a multitude of times in Major League Soccer (MLS).

We've finally signed someone that played for us already at one point. #HYPE

"None of these upcoming signings will be considered major, even in our league" stated Earthquakes president Dave Kaval. "However, we still want to announce these minor signings in a major way. We are planning on really putting a blitz of information out there regarding our minor signings and trying to show that we are actually acquiring players, even if those players are pretty much run of the mill players in this league."

With the Earthquakes targets being a utility defensive player, a hardworking forward with an inability to score and a fullback that they want to use as trade bait for draft considerations, they reportedly understand that none of these are considered news makers, but they plan on treating them as though they are anyway.

"MINOR ANNOUNCEMENT COMING SOON" -- Stated the Earthquakes twitter account that acknowledged the truth of the upcoming signings for the team from San Jose.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Earthquakes put out a press release about Adam Jahn's favorite burrito.

TNN Intern Covers Golden Palace Forehead Tattoo With @WorldSoccerShop Tattoo

Content is not sponsored by any company.

Due to a severe lack of scruples and dignity, unlike the parent company who employs him, an intern for The Nutmeg News attempted to completely sell out by covering his GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo with a WorldSoccerShop.com tattoo.

Like this... but... you know.... classy.

This was done entirely on his own with no encouragement nor endorsement by editors of the TNN on Wednesday evening in an effort to attract sponsors to his company's site, a website with worldwide fame and notoriety that is best known for the variety and utilization of scat jokes in conjunction with soccer references. (editors note: The Nutmeg News is also well known in Finland for making nerd related humor for roughly 2 people. Hi Mikko and Anni!)

"They told me that this was the way to get a full time staff position as a sponsorship would ensure they get paid and that by them getting paid the rest of us would enjoy the trickle-down sponsorship dollars and swag," stated Robert Jordan who is clearly a really gullible man who chooses to take drastic steps entirely on his own prerogative, "But what the hell? Now I'm stuck with this [fantastic tattoo that I can be proud of because World Soccer Shop is the world premier destination for soccer gear.  -Ed] on my face and I've lost my goldenpalace.com sponsorship. This is so unfair!" 

With the new tattoo, The Nutmeg News is now at the forefront of the attention of the kit supply website who can clearly see the dedication of the staff at The Nutmeg News. Unless of course editors decide to fire Mr Jordan tomorrow for over-utilizing the staples that were placed in his possession and carefully tallied and inventoried. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the editors convince Mr Jordan to name his firstborn child @thenutmegnews in return for stock options that don't exist.

Major League Soccer Calls It Quits As Excel Spreadsheet Containing Schedule Is Deleted

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that 2015 would be the final season for Major League Soccer after an intern working on the 2016 schedule accidentally deleted the entire contents, minutes before it was to be announced.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

"We gave it a good go, but honestly we can't replace the information in that spreadsheet so easily," stated commissioner Don Garber. "At least we entertained everyone for over 20 years. That's gotta count for something."

Reportedly LAFC has announced it will transform into a recording studio and Miami FC will still proceed to acquire land for a new beachfront resort called Beckham FC where the DJ's are always fresh and the tunes already spinning. While fans of Major League Soccer may be irate about this, Commissioner Garber had something to say for them, "You wanted the NASL? Be my guest. Garber OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league front office desperately looks through their Jazz Drive for a copy of a schedule from 1996 that they could restore and modify.