US Soccer Federation Finally Open Pyramid Revealing Gozer The Destroyer

CHICAGO - Long suffering advocates of opening the US Soccer Federation (USSF) pyramid were shocked as the USSF Pyramid was opened late Thursday evening to reveal Gozer the Destroyer, hell bent upon destruction of the earth and supporting local soccer.

MORE EXPANSION FEES! MORE NASL INSOLVENCIES! 

"Well, honestly.... I kinda expected immediate promotion/relegation and supporter owned clubs," stated Carl Vrugt of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. "To have Gozer the destroyer appear only to then speak about the importance of a hard salary budget and financial management of the league resources was, well, a bit odd."

Gozer the Destroyer (also known as Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar, Lothar Matthäus and Lord of the Sebouillia) was last seen in the Dutch documentary Het bovennatuurlijke superspektakel in 1984.

During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, The Traveler came as a large and moving Torb. Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose the form of a giant Sloar. During the second manifestation of the Ottwany Profinate, they chose the form of Lothar Matthäus, in an attempt to bind the New York/New Jersey Metrostars into a covenant of pain.

Promotion and Relgation advocate Richard Whitten stated, "well... honestly... I'm not certain what to say, but Gozer told us to, 'chose the form of The Destructor,' and I only thought of Don Garber and Sunil Gulati. Honestly, this whole thing is making a lot more sense now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dr. Peter Venkman is called to investigate these league incongruities.

All Teams In Major League Soccer To Be Re-branded As LA Galaxy

An announcement from Major League Soccer (MLS) shook up the small contingent of people who actually pay attention to league dealings as the league stated that all teams in MLS would be re-branded as the Los Angeles Galaxy to allow maximum rooting for the Galaxy at all times by the followers of the league.

The new western conference standings

Galaxy fan Leonard Fallwell of Newark, New Jersey admitted that he was unused to being a Galaxy fan but if the league wished that the fans that follow the teams within to root for the Galaxy that the only way to reach him was to change the name of the team for which he cheers.

"I guess I'm a Galaxy fan now, so I'll be cheering for the Galaxy. This feels both confusing and dirty, though," stated Fallwell to The Nutmeg News.

Galaxy fan Sandra Blevins of Denver, Colorado admitted that she wasn't sure what all the rest of the Galaxy fans were cheering for but that she would be rooting for a Galaxy victory this weekend.

While Galaxy fan Josh Ridenour of Topeka, Kansas admitted that he was only halfheartedly rooting for the Galaxy this weekend as his true love, the Galaxy, would be playing against the Galaxy in the future.

Meanwhile, Galaxy fan Hector Villanueva of Houston, Texas admitted that he was absolutely hoping that the Galaxy would lose against his Los Angeles Galaxy so that the Galaxy could leapfrog the Galaxy in the standings.

The Nutmeg Galaxy will have more on the Galaxy as the Galaxy is the Galaxy of the Galaxy, Galaxy.

Hamilton, As Inspiration, Is Finally Completely And Utterly Mined Out

After the 186th song suggestion and two-stick/T.I.F.O inspiration from the musical Hamilton was pitched, on Tuesday, supporters groups across North America confirmed that Hamilton is finally completely and utterly mined out.

IT IS DEAD.

DEAD

Like Hamilton himself, it is D.E.A.D.

"We tried to come up with something new but honestly, there's nothing left," stated FC Cincinnati fan Carla Edwards. "Everything has been used, re-used and then re-re-used."

Supporters have, reportedly, utilized the "Hamilton Star" imagery for everything from T.I.F.O to player photoshops to smack talk against their rivals. 

Supporters have, as well attempted to re-write songs for teams and players from History Has Its Eyes On You to Best of Wives and Best of Women.

"It's dead.... IT IS DEAD," stated Revolution fan Darren Harding. "Why won't you guys let it die? It's just over, everyone. Please stop using Hamilton. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP USING HAMILTON."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to rob the corpse of Hamilton for ideas.

LA Galaxy Fan Wondering, Totally Hypothetically, How Long He Must Wait Before Defecting To LAFC

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy fan Carlos Kliewer admitted that he is wondering, totally hypothetically. how long he must wait before defecting to LAFC from the LA Galaxy. 

Well, at ONE point.....

Photo: Gary A Vasquez - USA Today Sports

"Because... you know... the Galaxy aren't very good, and they aren't going to be good for a while, probably," stated Kliewer to The Nutmeg News. "Honestly, I'm tired of the commute to Carson and the apathetic crowds and I'm just wondering if we are going to have a whole Chivas USA thing going on in a few years, so I might as well bolt before anyone knows who I am."

A huge LA Lakers, then Clippers, then Lakers, then Golden State Warriors fan, Kliewer stated that he started following the Galaxy during the hey-day of the Bruce Arena era when the Galaxy were repeat champions of Major League Soccer.

"Oh the glory days, when we had rings and championships and good players and Robbie Keane. It's not like that anymore, and there's this new sexy thing coming into the league so I'm trying to figure out if anyone knows who I am in the stands and whether there are any pictures out there that mean I can't move. Look, I'm just saying that if I don't show up on anyone's instagram as a random Galaxy fan that this likely means I can move on to LAFC when they start."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Kliewer waits to see if the Galaxy get any better before jumping ship.

26 Year Old English Veteran Can't Wait To Become Promising Youth In MLS

Derby, Derbyshire, GB - 26 year old English veteran of the Championship, forward Jerome Williams, stated that he is excited over his pending move to Major League Soccer (MLS) as he transitions from being a grizzled veteran to a promising youth within a few months span.

We just like this picture.

"I've been playing professionally since I was about 16/17 years old," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. "However, I'm really excited to be considered a youth again in a new league."

Williams started with the youth academy at Sheffield United before moving and getting his break with the u-16 Fulham academy team. There he got a chance to play for the Fulham first team during an FA Cup game as well as a various number of first team games before making his mark with consistent performances for Derby County in the Championship. Over the past 7 years, Williams was a vital cog for Derby County but now he states, "It's going to be great to have a new fanbase consider me full of potential and a young player. It's been nearly 9 years since I was considered that."

"We are excited to bring over a player that is still developing," stated Don Garber, Commissioner of Major League Soccer. "Jerome is a promising youth that played in some of the biggest academies and teams in England."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams shows his solid pedigree of mediocre performances.

Top 10 Tips From Professionals For Up And Coming Soccer Photographers

Here at The Nutmeg News we work with a variety of photojournalists who gave us their top tips for aspiring photojournalists on starting the journey to being a professional soccer photographer.

photo: Natacha Pisarenko, Associated Press

#1 Purchase The Most Expensive Camera Possible

You know that you aren't going to make it as a professional with that Canon Elph that you got as a gift for working as a Server Administrator at that COLO for 5 years, so go hog wild.

The more you spend, the better your pictures are going to be. SPEND SPEND SPEND. You better not cheap out on that busted-ass 5D, friendo. If you are going to shoot sports we recommend the Nikon D5. The body will set you back about $6,500. 

We can also suggest the Canon EOS 1DX II, but despite it having a faster frames per second rate than the Nikon and likely being a better action camera, it's cheaper by $500 which means it isn't as good and everyone lugging around a Nikon will know that you are just a scrub in this game.

#2 Purchase Every Lens Available For Your Camera

Ok, so you dropped $6,500 on the camera body, right? Well you are only PART way there. You can't show up to a gun fight with an empty gun, right? You need bullets! Your lens for your camera is your ammunition. Hey Man, Nice Shot (Filter reference for you 90s kids)

IT'S A STEAL AT $2,396.95!!

So yes, start buying zoom lenses, portrait lenses, super telephoto zoom lens, a macro lens, and just about anything else that you might think you need. Remember, you can't have enough of a lens collection. Other photographers are going to judge you if you don't have the right lens for the conditions. 

#3 Don't Accept That You Are A Peon 

Look, you are a big deal. You spent nearly $15,000 on camera equipment with a bachelors degree in Finance. You need to work and by that we don't mean taking candid shots of supporters in the bleachers (although that is going to happen, see #5) Apply, first and foremost, for press credentials to literally every single soccer and sports event. Expect them to pay you for your work and fly you out there. C'mon guys!

#4 Create A Blog To Get Your Press Credentials

When tip #3 doesn't work, go to tip #4.

Soccer in the Untied States and Canada desperately needs people covering it, and with your blog www.topsoccernewsbyjames.com you will be able to get access to nearly anything even if your monthly coverage is just screenshots of the current results. 

#5 Leverage The Fans To Generate Exposure To Your Work

People are incredibly narcissistic. If you want to make a name, start by shooting all your fellow fans who will share your work because they are displayed passionately in those same pictures. Use this to build a following, sell some prints, get a more stable press credential situation and eventually you will be one step closer to raking in the big money.

#6 Stop Shooting The Stands When You Make It On The Field

Professional photographers don't make their money by selling 8x10s of face painted fans. They make their money by catching an action shot from the right angle at the right time. Don't let the professional photographers know that you used to be up in the stands by continuing to shoot the stands when you get to the field. Just because they got you on the field doesn't mean you need to keep taking pictures of them once you get there.

#7 SOCIAL MEDIA -- ALL FORMS -- IMMEDIATELY

Instagram, snapchat, twitter, facebook, myspace, linkedin, reddit, deviant art, google groups, pintrest.... everything. Have an account everywhere. Make certain you are updating it all the time. There's no such thing as having too many photos out on the web.

#8 It's Making A Picture, Not Taking A Picture

See tip #7 and blast this mantra out to everyone. Remember that if you aren't having conversations about making a picture utilizing exposure, grain, noise, and composition that you likely are going to be taking pictures for the annual hayride and not the world cup.

#9 Filter Early, No Filter Late

Remember to use filters, sunbursts, contrast manipulation and photo manipulation early before you phase it out as you become interested in composition (see tip #8). You'll start out editing photos to your faux avant-garde standard with tweaks and do less and less of that as you move on in your career ensuring that you tell everyone about your new minimalist art style of shooting and displaying raw photos.

#10 MAKE THAT MONEY

Remember, you are a photographer, you make money. Go ahead and purchase that Ducati because the dollar bills are going to be rolling in.

Man Finally Convinced To Stop Supporting MLS "Franchise"

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fan Romeo Thurgood admitted that he was finally convinced to stop supporting a, "franchise under the control of a secret cabal of elites," as he gave up on soccer in the United States and in general.

"None of this is real! You are all puppets of the landed gentry!"

"Well, It's back to Baseball for me," stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News. "It took a few hundred people telling me that I was supporting a tool for the advancement of the wealth of a small controlling few, but after the last comment of, 'Fuck your team. You don't support a club, it's a franchise,' I finally saw the light. I'm going to leave this franchise situation and stop giving my money to Don Garber and go back to giving my money to Ray Davis and Bob Simpson."

Thurgood stated that he was going to go back to his original love of the Texas Rangers and try to catch a few Major Arena Soccer League games with the Dallas Sidekicks in the Allen Event Center.

"The Rangers have been historically mismanaged with only a recent history of amazing success and a large contingent of bandwagon fans, but at least people will stop telling me to go fuck myself for supporting my local team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thurgood tries to get the wave started in the bleachers. 

Forgetful Robert Kraft FaceTimes New England Revolution From White House Party To Wish Them Good Night

WASHINGTON - A forgetful and apologetic Robert Kraft FaceTimed the New England Revolution from a White House party celebration with the New England Patriots to wish the Revs good night and promise, again, that, if they were good, they would all go get ice cream on Sunday.

TURN IT UP!

TURN. IT UP!

I want to hear some of that new Chainsmokers!

"Daddy is sorry," stated Kraft to the assembled group of Revolution players at half time of the 0-0 draw with the San Jose Earthquakes. "It's late and I didn't have cell service til now, but I promise that if everyone behaves.... we can go out to Toscanini's on Sunday!"

Kraft then began yelling off screen for some bottle service and to have someone grab Rob Gronkowski to come read One Fish Red Fish to the boys before they were put to bed when his signal cut out again.

Inside sources say that Jay Heaps kicked the floor after the screen went quiet and mumbled something about how, "We are never going to be a family again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft forgets to take the Revolution out for Ice Cream when he test drives a new yacht to Ibiza on Sunday.

FC Edmonton Prepare Zamboni For Upcoming Game Against Puerto Rico

Edmonton, AB - FC Edmonton are reportedly preparing the official FC Edmonton Zamboni for their upcoming home game at Clarke Stadium against Puerto Rico FC as temperatures are currently projected to be around -2 in the evening with the possibility of snow/rain on Saturday.

The FC Edmonton Zamboni in hover mode.... apparently.... c'mon people.... is this the best we can do?

"We are excited to have the conditions in our favour," stated head coach Colin Miller. "IF the weather turns out as forecast, the official Zamboni is going to really clean up the prevailing layer of ice that typically will not leave our surface alone allowing us a clean skating...er...running path towards the goal."

Reportedly, Puerto Rico FC has no idea what they are about to get themselves into as players are bringing every bit of clothing they can wear for the potentially frigid temperatures.

However, local reports indicate that likely any snow will not stick resulting in a wasted opportunity to use the zamboni in game action as Paul McKenzie stated, "We will see what happens with the weather, but c'mon... game six is on Saturday."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the snow showers never develop.

Seattle Sounders Waiting Til July 26, 2017 To Fire Brian Schmetzer

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Sounders stated today that they will be waiting til July 26, 2017 to fire Brian Schmetzer, regardless of the results leading up to the date, as they unveil their strategy to get back to the 2017 MLS Cup finals.

Someone brought the cup!

(AP Photo/Elaine Thompson, File)

"We have a clear blueprint of what worked for us in 2016," stated Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer. "We plan on letting these result go on til July 26. At this point, we expect to be near the bottom of the league. On July 26th we will fire Brian Schmetzer, promote Ezra Hendrickson to head coach and ride the wave of optimism to MLS Cup 2017."

Sources within the front office indicate that this new plan is called "Sigi-Ex Machina" and that the Sounders brass are very excited for another Cup victory.

"What we proved last year is that the impossible is possible if you fire your head coach at the appropriate time in the season," stated minority owner and Guatemalan cocaine expert Joe Roth. "We are preparing space in the trophy room for MLS Cup 2017 and preparing a generous severance package for our soon to be fired friend Brian."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Sounders players do their part.

Timbers Fan Still Pretending Like Early Results Matter

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Eddie Guzman is, reportedly, still pretending like early results in the Major League Soccer (MLS) season matter as he was still incensed about the loss to Sporting Kansas City, three days later.

DOOOOOOOMED! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

"This is really going to hurt our chances at lifting MLS cup," stated Guzman who willfully ignored the Galaxy late run to MLS Cup in 2014, the Timbers late run to MLS Cup in 2015, and the Seattle Sounders late run to MLS Cup in 2016.

Friends and family say that Guzman had a minor meltdown in the stands after the loss as he repeatedly screamed curse words while yelling, "this will doom our MLS Cup campaign," despite the Timbers still being in first place in the Western Conference.

"I don't believe that he really is that upset about this loss," stated good friend Jessica Barnette. "He just needs something to pour his frustration into after getting laid off from his job."

"We need to be getting points early and ensuring that we qualify for the playoffs," stated Guzman as he willfully ignored that 12 of the 22 teams in the league make the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Guzman calms down just enough to freak out about next weekends game.

Soccer Podcast Sets Record As It Reaches Tens Of People

Denver, CO - Rapids podcast Burgundy Blues reportedly set a new milestone for downloads as they admitted to reaching tens of people for their weekly rants and diatribes about the boys in burgundy playing north east of Denver.

"Welcome to the most popular Rapids podcast on the internet! A quick shout out to our regular listeners in the Denver area..... Jeff, Larry, Larry's cousin Ralph, Dave, my wife Carla, Steve, Billy, Greg, Hector, and Jim."

"It's a really fantastic feeling after spending way too much money on equipment, microphones, and a new computer to finally have an audience," stated host of Burgundy Blues, Ron Johnson. "I kept telling all my friends that I used as co-hosts over the past 5 years that if we just kept at the podcasting game that eventually we would break through to double digits."

With Major League Soccer in an upswing, or something, Johnson felt that persistence was the key to finally getting to 11 or 12 listeners.

"We worked very hard at this. Our twitter account has nearly 700 followers, so we are delighted on the return at our time investment over the past 5 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Johnson begins to dream about selling ad-space on his podcast.

Honeymoon Period Over, As Four Home Games Gives Orlando City Fan Enough Time To Start Disliking People Around Him

Orlando, FL - Soccer fan David Thibault admitted that, after four home games, the honeymoon period of going to the new Orlando City stadium has finally worn off leaving him free to start disliking the people in the stands around him, again.

It is still really, really pretty, though.

Matt Stamey-USA TODAY Sports

"I was entranced with the view and the amenities and just walking around the park," stated Thibault to The Nutmeg News. "I forgot all about the guy that is always taking selfies, or the woman that gets really drunk, or the people who constantly sell their season tickets to the opposing fans, or the employees who tell you to go to the wrong exit. Those first few games were really my salad days of enjoyment, in the park, as I was able to experience the games as though a naked baby wandering through the woods filled with the wonder of life and full of the vim and vigor that curiosity can entail. I was rudely brought back to earth by the guy who just repeatedly constantly yells, 'fuck you, you fucking dickhead,' every five seconds into my ear at some random player."

Thibault  started down this dark path again when Ramon Acosta, an Orlando City fan who sits one row behind him, accidentally spilled two full beers sending a cascading surge of dark liquid down underneath Thibault's seat and soaking his newly purchased scarf in pungent liquid.

"Yep, I'm officially over that part of going to the stadium again. I just want to show up, sing, do some fun chants, drink beer and go home like we did at the start. Now I have some drunk idiot next to me trying to get me to sing along with his Battle For Evermore Chant he wrote for Kaka. Can't beat the results though."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thibault continues to go and complain while simultaneously enjoying the games and the camaraderie.

NWSL Broadcasting Deal Allows Woman To Focus On Other Things Than Soccer

Kansas City, KC - FC Kansas City fan Ruth Young stated that the new National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) broadcasting deal with Go90 will allow her to focus on other things than soccer during the upcoming 2017 season.

Brace yourself... inconvenience is coming!

"Not being able to watch the games in an easy way is going to offer me the chance to really explore my other interests in life," stated Young to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I'll still be attending my FCKC games, but since I won't really have an easy way to watch any other NWSL games I'm just going to schedule a Crossfit class and really focus on my Spanish language immersion classes for my upcoming vacation to Costa Rica."

Young indicated that she would typically sit down and watch other games in the league on her television via Youtube, but the broken broadcasting deal with Go90 that restricts her to only mobile use means that she will have more time on her hands to chase after other futile things than soccer.

"I might even take up a jiu jitsu class," exclaimed Young. "I will be watching dramatically less soccer games because of the difficulty of all this, but I'm determined to make the best of it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Young attempts to stream a game before giving up and just going to futsal.

United States Announce That Mexico Will Pay For Joint CONCACAF World Cup Bid

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation (USSF) announced, today, that a clause in their joint CONCACAF World Cup bid indicates that Mexico will foot the bill for all costs of the bid and the tournament infrastructure for the World Cup as the countries gathered together, along with Canada, to attempt to win the tournament typically given to the biggest briber.

Diplomatic Relations

"We will be issuing a joint bid, and Mexico will pay for it," stated Sunil Gulati. "It's important to understand that the United States, according to mandate from the federal government, must blame Mexico for nearly everything related to social and political evils. The only way for Mexico to continue to have a relationship with the United States going forward is for them to pay for every hair brained idea that we, as a country, have."

A statement from Gerónimo Gutiérrez, the Mexican Ambassador to the United States, indicate that the country will be doing no such thing and that there is currently, "No plan in place for paying for any of the United States infrastructure or CONCACAF bid."

However, this denial reportedly just stiffened the resolve of Gulati and the USSF as they stated, "Mexico will pay for this tournament, one way or another... mostly because we can't currently afford the bribes necessary to get it here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation issues a bill to the Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Asociación for renovations to the Rose Bowl in 2017.

Newsroom Debates "Curtains For Curtin" Headline

Philadelphia, PA - Highly placed sources within the newsroom for the Philadelphia Spectator indicate that editors and writers at the newspaper are debating the usage of a "Curtains For Curtin" headline if the current winless head coach of the Union is relieved of his duties.

(ISI Photos/Brad Smith)

"I think it's too on the nose," stated Union beat reporter Davis Livingston. "We have standards to uphold and I dread the idea of using this headline to indicate that Jim Curtin lost his position."

Social media expert Heather Brooking stated, "This will get shared everywhere by Union fans when the inevitable happens. It isn't making light of the situation, it's a necessary evil to get the story out there with some punch."

Reportedly, the newsroom is more split on this headline issue than they were on utilizing Adieu Adu as a headline after Freddy Adu was released.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as "Curtains For Curtin" is saved in the draft format as... you know.. a placeholder... you know... just in case.

Major League Soccer Announces Possible Expansion Into Jeff's Living Room If Stadium Bond Passes

Jarbidge, NV - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced possible expansion into Jeff Larson's living room if the stadium bond for the tiny town of Jarbidge passes.

The downtown of Jarbidge is begging for the economic revival a soccer specific stadium can bring.

"I'm going to build the stadium here," stated Larson as his gesticulated with a large sweeping motion at his coffee table and couch. "This is going to be a community project so I feel like the community should pay for it. The economic benefit for Jarbrige will be huge."

Reportedly, the robust population of 111 people grew by a staggering 126.5% since 2000 with the median age of 36.7 fitting a target demographic that MLS covets for their ability to have and spend disposable income.

"We don't know what Jeff is thinking, but we strenuously want to advocate for a better cleanup of the roads from the winter and more money for our school. Maybe even a dry goods option, for the area," stated Jefferson Ramapo, mayor of Jarbidge. "The community isn't certain that this whole MLS thing is a good idea and we think there are far better ways to spend $70 million dollars."

Despite the reservations of the Mayor and the city council, Larson continues ahead stating to our reporters that, "there is nothing like a 21,000 seat stadium to drive interest locally in soccer. Don Garber stated that Jarbidge is #MLSReady that he was very interested in doing business with my ownership group of one once I told him that I might have the votes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Larson lays out the location of Jarbidge United's training facility with caution tape he picked up from the open windows of a Forest Service vehicle.

Soccer Fans Already Not Attending St. Louis FC Games Can't Wait To Become "Best Fans In Soccer"

St. Louis, MO - Soccer fans already not attending St. Louis FC games reportedly can't wait to become, "The Best Fans In Soccer," as they build upon their resume as the, "Best Fans In Baseball (tm)".

Support your local team

"We already know the legends of Tony La Russa, Stan Musial, Bob Gibson, Charles Comiskey, and the fact that we have over 10,000 wins," stated Cardinals superfan Deryk Franklin. "But that's not even the start of it. The real deal is that we are the Best Fans In Baseball and we will become the Best Fans In Soccer just as soon as we have a soccer team worth supporting."

Franklin proceeded to then wax rhapsodic about the knowledgeable St. Louis Cardinals and Soccer fan stating, "We clap when players make a correct shift in the outfield. We negotiate the treacherous conversations about the bunt. We always show up for our team in large numbers. Being the Best Fans In Baseball is just a natural part of our existence, just like winning a World Series and being against the Designated Hitter. We just can't wait to show everyone our historic love of soccer in the city for all the teams currently not playing and the one that may or may not come based upon a stadium that currently isn't built. We are talking about over 100 years of history from the St. Louis Soccer league and the St. Leo's to the Stars, the Steamers, the Storm and those other clubs that might be running right now in a league that isn't MLS."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to quickly spin up a "Best Fans In Soccer" twitter account only find out it is involved in a pitch battle between Atlanta United and Seattle Sounders fans.

Caleb Porter Announces That Substitutions For Yesterdays Revolution Game Will Be Made Against Philadelphia Union

Portland, OR - Caleb Porter, glacially slow to react head coach of the Portland Timbers, announced on Monday morning that substitutions for yesterdays game against the New England Revolution would be made during the upcoming Philadelphia Union road game.

(AP File Photo/Don Ryan

"We have a deep squad. We have a confident squad. We feel very comfortable with the options off the bench," stated Porter to the collected masses of press and bloggers. 

Reportedly, immediately after the whistle blows to start the game against the Union, Porter will make a double substitution of Darren Mattocks for Darlington Nagbe and Dairon Asprilla for Sebastian Blanco.

Porter then stated, "We will play the rest of 89:59 minutes of the Union game without making a substitution so that we can make our subs for the Union game against Sporting Kansas City."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter schedules a two week period to think about whether this is a good option and write a thesis that supports this position.

Meet The Nutmeg News Staff Writers

The Nutmeg News staff directory for Major League Soccer stories in 2017:

Atlanta United: Rob Usry

Chicago Fire: Nicole Hack

Colorado Rapids: Abbie Mood

Columbus Crew: Morgan Hughes

DC United: Srdan Bastaic

FC Dallas: Drew Epperly

Houston Dynamo: Stuart Holden

Los Angeles FC: Alicia Rodriguez

Los Angeles Galaxy: Cozmo

Miami FC: Open Grave

Minnesota United: Kate Sophia

Montreal Impact: North Star Bell

New England Revolution: Gene Anderson

New York Red Bull: Mark Fishkin

New York City FC: Sam Dunn

Orlando City: Gavin Ewbank

Philadelphia Union: Jonathan Tannenwald

Portland Timbers: Todd Diskin

Real Salt Lake: Matt Montgomery

San Jose Earthquakes: Dave Kaval

Seattle Sounders: Tom Biro

Sporting Kansas City: Ben Gartland

Toronto FC: Kurt Larsun

Vancouver Whitecaps: Paul Sabourin-Hertzog

We wanted to let you all know that we've been having a lot of fun over the past couple years and wanted to say that it's been great to set aside our differences and rivalries and take a minute to poke fun at each other, as well as ourselves. Join us for the first annual TNN Con in Las Vegas this summer. Details to come. 

As well, please note that our writers are trying to keep The Nutmeg News and their private Twitter accounts separate so none of our writers or editors will acknowledge their involvement and will, in fact, deny any involvement with TNN if asked. Thank you for all your patronage and we hope to keep you entertained for years to come or sell out as fast as Audi can convince us with a million dollar check.

From all of us here at TNN, "Let's go Chelsea! UP THE MEN IN RED! Dance on, Peter Crouch!"