Poll Of 2400 People Who Think Gregg Berhalter Is A Literal Hellspawned Demon Shows Huge Support For New USMNT Coach

INTERNET - A Twitter poll commissioned by @11YankUSMNT asking 2400 of the people he follows who think Gregg Berhalter is a literal demon dedicated towards sucking the life out of USYNT players in Europe showed huge support for a new USMNT coach.

“Here it is… In Black and White,” stated @11YankUSMNT to his Twitter followers. “The trust is broken and I think we can all say that we gave this satanic hellspawn a fair chance.”

Sources indicate that the discussion was frank and fair on the topic as @USMNTRedWhite stated, “I’m not saying Gregg is incompetent… I’m saying he is pure evil and I hate him and I think he intentionally sat Gio Reyna in an attempt to lose to make us all suffer.”

For his part, @11YankUSMNT indicated that he felt the poll was fair.

“I think that what we have here is a sampling of very passionate fans who care whether or not the head coach of the USMNT was a hellspawn demon selected by a shadow cabal dedicated to corruption and keeping the game down locally.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @11YankUSMNT claims to know insider information without actually giving any insider information.

David Villa Issues Statement Supporting Claudio Reyna Stating, "He Knows How To Keep Secrets"

INTERNET - Former NYCFC player David Villa allegedly issued a statement supporting Claudio Reyna stating, “He knows how to keep secrets,” as he issued a strongly worded appreciation of the sporting director during his time with NYCFC.

“Claudio is the kind of person who knows how to keep his mouth shut and wouldn’t raise the alarm at frivolous claims,” stated Villa in his online statement. “As the sporting director during my time with NYCFC, I was able to trust him to keep my confidence and concerns private and I would expect him to do the same in any circumstances.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna claims that THIS situation was more important.

General Hospital Pre-Empted To Show Live Re-Enactment Of USMNT Scandal

The long running soap opera General Hospital was pre-empted, today, by coverage of the US Soccer scandal live re-enactment featuring Woody Harrleson as Gregg Berhalter and Ben Stiller as Claudio Reyna as they act out the current incestuous and petty drama consuming the United States Men’s Soccer Team.

As the saga is utilizing breaking news of Gio Reyna’s mother reporting Gregg Berhalter to the US Soccer sporting director for purported domestic abuse from 30 years ago, some of the action has been a retelling of the facts leading up to the current situation as the players acted out the drama that occurred during the recent World Cup.

“We are hoping that by the time we get through the exclusion of Gio Reyna from the lineup and the dramatic phone call made by Danielle Reyna that we will have a syndication deal,” stated showrunner Paul Fields. “As of right now, we are shooting from a soundstage in Burbank, but if we get a syndication deal we will recreate some of the Qatari locker room scenes in Vancouver.”

Fans are reportedly picking sides as they navigate the embarrassing high-school drama consuming this group of so-called professionals.

“Danielle was RIGHT,” stated @RelForEveryone on Twitter. “No one is above the law and if this is what it takes to get Berhalter out than I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Men’s Team continues to be an embarrassment.

"Everything I Need To Know About Manchester City Fans Comes From Watching Jamie Tartt's Dad"

Denver, CO - New soccer fan Paul Stewart sagaciously nodded at his friends as they all gathered around the television on Boxing Day to watch soccer as he boldly stated, “Everything I need to know about Manchester City fans comes from watching Jamie Tartt’s dad,” as he sipped at the Heineken in front of him.

“They are violent reprobates and I want them to lose,” stated Stewart to the collective group. “Did you see the murder in his eyes? I can’t be involved in that.”

Sources indicate that Stewart started watching Ted Lasso with his girlfriend in the leadup to Christmas and the actions of character Jamie Tartt’s father lead him towards ruling Manchester City out as the team he could support.

“If I’m going to support someone it’s going to be a team with people I can believe in, like Wrexham,” stated Stewart. “Now that I’ve watched that documentary, It’s informed me completely and utterly about the character of the fans there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart starts Sunderland Til I Die in an attempt to inform himself of the character of people from, “wherever that is in England.”

Area Soccer Expert Now Available On Mastodon, Counter Social, TikTok, BeReal, Instagram, Hinge, Myspace, DeviantArt, Grinder, ICQ, IRC, Discord, Slack, MiGente, Tumblr, LinkedIn, And SomethingAwful

INTERNET - Area soccer expert James @soccertruthUSMNT23 McAvoy today announced that he was available on Mastodon, Counter Social, TikTok, BeReal, Instagram, Facebook, Myspace, Hinge, Christian Mingle, Bumble, Farmers Only, Only Fans, DeviantArt, Grinder, ICQ, IRC, Discord, Slack, Google+, MiGente, Teams, Asana, Tumblr, LinkedIn, And SomethingAwful.

“In case you’ve left Twitter and you still want to see my content, thoughts and musings on the world of soccer I made certain to be available,” stated McAvoy to his 324 followers.

Sources indicate that McAvoy decided to diversify his social media presence with the departure of many of the more successful people he follows on Twitter to other sites.

“They were doing this and if I’m seeing other people who make a living talking about soccer leaving for greener pastures, then I need to ensure that the people who follow me for witty insights into the Austrian second division up and coming players who may be American, well I should give them that opportunity.”

Sources say that McAvoy’s girlfriend is nonplussed as she was unavailable to comment due to lack of existence.

“I already followed him on Mastodon, but he told me to follow him on Tumblr and LinkedIN as well,” stated one follower. “There’s only so many places I need to read about his insights into the fractured landscape of American soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McAvoy spends 5 hours updating all the sites he posts from for one witty observation on mixing Sprite and Root Beer.

American Who Hates Politics In Sports Excited About France Morocco Semi-final

Albany, NY - Stating, “they are really just trying to divide us by shoehorning politics into everything,” soccer fan Caden Kyle stated that he is really excited about the upcoming France/Morocco World Cup game.

"Politics should never be in sport,” stated Kyle to The Nutmeg News. “I want a break from the outside world in national team soccer. Qatar 2022 isn’t about politics, it’s about soccer. That’s absolutely the case. I watch the World Cup to relax, and I can't wait for France/Morocco. It should be a simple, drama free game!"

Sources indicate that Kyle has long complained that, “The NFL and NBA have just become too filled with politics recently,” as he declined to indicate what politics he is talking about.

“I just remember that when I was a kid, sports was all about sports. You go and watch a video about the Dream Team or Dr J dunking or the Miracle on Ice and tell me any of that was about politics. NO! It was simply just good old fashion classic sports. These days you can’t even watch a basketball game without everyone being all political all the time. But with these countries playing each other? It’s just the underdog story of the tournament. Two countries facing off across a soccer field. It’s classic sports!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kyle grumbles about the online presence of a tiny group of soccer fans who can’t let, “all this political crap go.”

ESPN Hosts Excited To Get Back To Ignoring Domestic Soccer Again

Bristol, CT - ESPN hosts of various programs on the channel from SportsCenter to Pardon The Interruption were reportedly excited to get back to ignoring domestic soccer again after it was announced that ESPN only had the USL remaining as a domestic soccer related IP for 2023.

“We are just happy to not even have to think about it,” stated one internal staffer. “Previously we would have notes to work in certain topics about MLS or… heaven forbid… the US Open Cup and now we can spend those topics talking about Bronny’s potential and whether Tom Brady should come back for another season with the Patriots.”

Sources indicate that after ESPN lost out on nearly every domestic soccer league or tournament that champagne bottles were popped in the Sports Center studios.

“No more US Soccer,” stated one excited intern. “Now all we have to do is figure out how to suppress a resurgence of Hockey related topics and it will be all hot takes on the NFL, ranting heads firing know-nothing takes on the work rate of Draymond Green and people yelling about the morals of the student athletes at the NCAA. WE ARE BACK!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone tells an intern to “Shut Up” when they mention putting a soccer goal in the sports center Top 10.

USSF Softens Berhalter Contract Extension With Taylor Swift Tweet

CHICAGO - In anticipation of the online furor certain to take place upon its announcement, the US Soccer Federation released Gregg Berhalter’s contract extension with a "It's Me, I'm the problem It's me” video that contained a smiling Berhalter signing what appeared to be a blank document in front of a green screen.

Sources indicate that this is the sign of a new direction with regards to the Social Media content of the notoriously insular US Soccer as they are operating under the directive of, “For The Lulz,” going forward.

"The For The Lulz initiative is something that will really allow us to connect with our fans,” stated one USSF insider. “We plan to be more meme focused and that will hopefully lead to a better relationship between our younger fans and the federation.”

The long anticipated announcement also contained the lyrics of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and the number 7. When asked what this was, the USSF press officer just said "great song isn't it"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer twitter account leaves Gio Reyna out of their player selection of “Who Got That Rizz”

Scientists Thrilled As Toxic USMNT Debate Successfully Creates Nuclear Fusion

Livermore, CA - Scientists with the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in Livermore, California claimed victory over a decades long attempt to create nuclear fusion as they harnessed the toxic online USMNT debate after the World Cup to create a net energy gain via Nuclear Fusion.

“Nuclear fusion happens when two or more atoms are fused into one larger one,” stated Livermore public relations official Rod Williams. “Scientists were able to use all of the fusion from people conflating the situation with Gio Reyna, Gregg Berhalter, Jordan Morris, and MLS Players into a supernova of power.”

US Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm will make an announcement on Tuesday of a “major scientific breakthrough,” the department announced.

“We have salty, toxic, and paranoid USMNT fans to thank for this possible breakthrough in clean energy,” stated a spokesperson for Granholm. “They were able to take so many unrelated issues and make them part of one giant issue that the resultant energy yield will now power innovation that will take us into a new era of technology and clean energy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as watchers with the Doomsday clock move the hands ever closer to extinction as they warn that USMNT fans are now focused again on dividing their arguments down to the atom and creating a timebomb again.

Gio Reyna Stan Now Spending More Time Thinking And Talking About Reyna Than Reyna Himself

INTERNET - After spending nearly the entirety of his weekend online arguing about USMNT and Dortmund player Gio Reyna, Skylar Philips was made aware that he is spending more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.

Reyna? Reyna! Reyna…. Reyna! Reyna, reyna reyna reyna. REYNA.

Reyna

REyna

REYNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“There was a 90 minute period where Philips was passionately and unendingly arguing about the treatment of Reyna by Gregg Berhalter and the US Soccer Federation,” stated Harvard scientist Noble Sanderson. “At this time, Reyna himself was playing and focused only on the game in front of himself. It was during this time that Philips spent more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.”

Philips reportedly defended Reyna with terminal intensity while performing all the mundane activities of his life from bed to breakfast to coffee to taking a shit to brushing his teeth to staring at himself staring at a phone in the mirror as he tried to figure out how to do anything……something that would add value to the world.

“It was just after the Dortmund friendly that we were able to validate that Philips is now thinking more about Reyna than Reyna,” stated Sanderson. “And now this continued all the way through the weekend. While Reyna was napping, Philips was online harassing journalists about Reyna’s treatment by the coaching staff. While Reyna was in REM sleep, Philips was creating a Free Reyna meme online. While Reyna was brushing his teeth, Philips was continuing on his campaign to blame the collected United States journalists for not doing their job of freeing Reyna.”

For his part, Philips stated that he didn’t see a problem with any of this as he stated, “As a lonely person who is terminally online it is part of my peroggative to fill all my waking hours by acting like a complete lunatic online. Who is to say that there isn’t a global cabal dedicated towards propping up Major League Soccer by ensuring player quotas. Gio Reyna is just the tip of the iceberg. If you go to Lucky Bob’s pizza store in Wilmington, DE in the basement you find the REAL USSF shadow cabal drinking the blood of youth soccer they are restricting from moving to Europe.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Philips states that Reyna must Reyna about Reyna and Reyna all the Reyna.

USMNT Fan Ready To Make Croatia Moving On All About The USMNT

INTERNET - Stating, "What this Croatia victory tells us is that in order for the United States to beat Brazil, we need to be more Croatia in every aspect, whatever that is," soccer fan Steve Smith took to his @RedWhiteAndBlueballs account to turn Croatia's victory over Brazil into a referendum on the USMNT. "Croatia has the population about one of our states, we just need to have everyone in the state, any of them, play soccer, then we'd be able to move on."

Smith reportedly spent most of Friday googling what it is about Croatia that makes them great on the international level as he attempted to make everything good about the team relevant to the USMNT.

"This isn't about the quality of Croatia's development. This is clearly about how Pulisic (who is Croatian by the way) is not getting enough good players to get us to win a World Cup. If he wants to be considered an all time great, then he is responsible for bringing in more Croatian players into the lineup, or at least converting promising Croatian youths with the idealistic life of youth soccer in the United States. Who doesn’t dream of paying huge sums of money to play soccer, travelling long distances to play in tournaments and hoping to make the right kind of residency for a team that the US Soccer Federation will actually scout for talent."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith spends most of Saturday researching what about Portugal makes them relevant to the USMNT.

German National Team Announces Sudden And Immediate Boycott Of 2022 World Cup

QATAR - Hansi Flick, head coach of the German National team, suddenly announced that Germany would immediately be boycotting the rest of the 2022 World Cup in light of the human rights condition and for, “NO OTHER REASON.”

Flick seen here smiling before the tournament.

"Uh... We totally meant to do that because this whole time we've been boycotting this inhumane World Cup. We are happy to no longer be participating in it, completely by choice by the way,” stated Flick to The Nutmeg News.

Fans were reportedly perplexed as the team appeared to be on their way out of tournament regardless of the proposed boycott.

“I believe that they actually were eliminated from the tournament” stated Deiter Hass, of Berlin.

However, for his part, Flick stated that the team was absolutely 100% boycotting the round of 16, in a very visible way.

“This is the least we can do. We will now stand with our hands over our mouths permanently by not being at the tournament anymore,” stated Flick.

Nutmeg News will have more as the DFB pays $10000 in airline change fees for an "earlier than expected flight"

Merritt Paulson Announces Sale Of The Thorns In Order To Focus On Rebuilding The Abusive Front Office Culture At The Timbers

Portland, OR - The owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, Merritt Paulson, announced that he would be selling the Portland Thorns in order to focus on rebuilding and furthering the abusive front office culture at the Portland Timbers.

“For too long I’ve had a split attention between the two teams and I haven’t given the growth of the abusive culture at the Timbers the time it needs,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “With the sale of the Thorns I can finally work on re-creating the toxic environment of yes men and sexual harassers that was pulled out from underneath me by a small minority of toxic, hateful fans online who just can’t accept boys being boys.”

Sources indicate that Paulson has long held a grudge against anyone who wants to question his absolute rule over the Timbers and was devastated when he no longer had friends in the front office to make lewd and sexist jokes with about his employees.

“He’s been moping around in his office ignoring reports from human resources by himself,” stated one Timbers insider. “Usually he spends the afternoon trying to figure out if his front office teams can operate with fewer employees and setting up a spam filter on any emails regarding employee complaints so that he can claim that he never saw them.”

For his part, Paulson expressed that the sale of the Thorns came with a great amount of fondness for the team.

“This team has been a part of my life from the time I hired an abusive coach to the time that I ignored multiple players alleging sexual and emotional abuse to the time that I covered up the actions of my general manager, president of the team and at least one player,” stated Paulson

The Nutmeg News will have more as Paulson plans for the eventual sale of the Timbers upon his death with the conditiont that the team be moved to Las Vegas.

USMNT Draw Proclaimed A Huge Victory For Angry US Soccer Reply Guys On Twitter

INTERNET - Angry US Soccer Reply Guys claimed a major victory as the United States Men’s National Team drew 0-0 against England at the 2022 Qatar Dead Migrant Worker World Cup.

“I’ve never been so happy to have so many of my preconceived notions about this team come true,” stated @AmericaFirstEagleUSMNT. “This just proves that GGG is GGGONE if he was (mls sucks) with a better team (mls sucks) or a better management and MLS Sucks.”

Sources indicate that United States Twitter was overrun by reply guys, self nominated pundits, podcast hosts and youtube talking heads who immediately took to the internet to voice their opinion on how to fix everything wrong with the team’s implosion and/or tell everyone else that this was a great result.

“We saw a massive spike of people complaining to other people about the players both being good and being bad and the manager being both good and bad and the federation being bad,” stated one online researcher. “The consensus was that other fans needed to know that this was a great terrible result full of great and terrible moments that somehow these other fans that needed to know that everything was good and bad at the same time heralding the dawn of a new era and also the decline of the sport locally until everything gets fixed. This corresponded with people replying to other people saying Major League Soccer sucks and others rebutting that statement by saying that Major League Soccer is the best, other than England, Germany, Italy and parts of the Dutch league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Colorado Springs USMNT fan Daniel Anderson takes time to proclaim that the US is the best nation in the world.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Acclaims The Experience Of Ordering A Migrant's Passport And Wages To Be Taken During Qatar World Cup Press Junket

Qatar - Fox Sports talking head Alexi Lalas was reportedly over the moon during a recent Qatar World Cup press junket as the television personality was able to experience the thrill of ordering a migrant's passport and wages to be taken in order to keep them in indentured servitude

“If you want to experience the rich cultural history of the leaders of Qatar you have to really get in with their customs,” stated Lalas as he ordered another migrant worker without travelling rights to sleep in a corrugated steel shack without air conditioning in the desert. “This is the best way to experience the world cup.”

Sources indicate that Lalas stated, “freedom is never free,” as he ordered a welder to have their pay docked for heatstroke.

“It’s important we observer the rich cultural traditions of the leaders of this land,” stated Lalas through an interpreter. “Such as denying LGBTQ people their right to exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas posts a picture update to his twitter account of him notifying the family of a Nepalese migrant worker of the death of their father with the headline, “what are we upset about today, tweeps!”

USL Headquarters In Sponsorship Discussions With ITT Tech

Tampa, FL - Sources within the USL Headquarters in Tampa indicate that there are advanced negotiations going on with the league and the “Education Facility” ITT Tech.

“We think that ITT Technology will allow our less skilled players an opportunity to advance in life by pursuing a career in refrigeration technician or ball-bearing greaser,” stated one insider.

According to those privy to the deal, ITT Tech will become the official education sponsor of the USL Championship and they will offer 2 and a half credits to every player who applies for student loans during the 2023 and 2030 seasons.

“This is really a groundbreaking partnership that far exceeds the opportunities you can get at DeVry,” stated one league insider. “We all know that this will attract the best players from just outside of Cleveland to play in this league if they know that they could also have a future as a diesel mechanic.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS considers a partnership with Grand Canyon University.

ISC Conference Planners Ask LAFC Fans To Avoid Throwing Bottles And Cups At Other Attendees

Albuquerque, NM - ISC Conference 2023 planners reportedly reached out to LAFC fans to ask them to avoid throwing bottles and cups at other attendees of the annual get together, otherwise they may be restricted from going to the event.

“We felt that this should be a welcome event for everyone,” stated one anonymous member. “And honestly throwing bottles, cans or plastic cups at another fan is not something we want people to start doing.”

Sources indicate that the members of the 3252, amongst other LA groups, have pushed back stating that, “no one that’s a member threw anything at anyone and anyway throwing bottles at players and fans is how we support our team if any of us did it which we did not.”

However, despite that statement, the conference planning committee put in a place a, “no bottles or cans at the meeting,” policy to deter any potential accidents.

“It’s important to avoid anyone getting a bottle thrown at them,” stated one committee member. “And we will do our best to ensure that doesn’t happen even if we have to prohibit the ability of our members to drink anything while there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC fans point to other fans as being the real bottle throwers in the league.

Cryogenically Frozen Big Soccer Admin Awakens From 12 Year Slumber

INTERNET - Sources indicate that the cryogenically frozen forum administrator for Big Soccer awakened from a 12 year slumber as the cracks in Twitter began to spread like the end of days.

“FINALLY. MY TIME HAS COME,” stated the administrator who immediately looked into the log files and asked about what Kanye West was up to these days. “MY MINIONS WILL TAKE OVER ALL SOCCER DISCUSSION AS WE MOVE FORWARD TOWARD…….. HOLY. SHIT………. QATAR?!.”

People in the know indicated that the administrator began work on correcting the MLS forums as clearly someone had hacked into the databased to add teams as a joke.

“NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOCCER IN THE SOUTH. WE SETTLED THIS BACK BEFORE JOHN O’BRIEN RETIRED. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN O’BRIEN? BEST USMNT PLAYER EVER. PLAYED FOR AJAX.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Administrator asks about whether he can still get repped.

Soccer Fan Quickly Posts Hot Takes To Twitter In Advance Of Platform's Impending Collapse

NEW YORK - Stating, “I gotta get these things out before no one sees them,” soccer fan Javier Garcia quickly posted, “Promotion Relegation is a lie,” followed by, “Dax McCarty WAS AN OVERRATED METRO PLAYER,” followed by, “No one actually cares how many migrants died to build the World Cup,” before he refreshed to see if Twitter still existed

Friends state that Garcia become fidgety after he realized that there was a chance that his 48 followers wouldn’t know the full truth that he lived with every day.

“He kept talking about how everyone needs to know these facts,” stated one anonymous friend. “And then he said that he has nothing to lose anymore.”

Sources indicate that Garcia quickly posted more and more incendiary “facts” to his account with the only interruption being a momentary post to ask his followers if he was shadowbanned due to the lack of engagement.

“There’s no time left,” stated Garcia to his account. “Everything from my brain must be emptied into the garbage dump of Twitter. It’s the only way that I will be reborn free from this site. All things must flow according to the whim of the Musk and then we will awaken in a new era of consciousness free from Twitter….. yes… free from Social Media!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gets a surprise call from Human Resources about some of his strident online views.

Area Man Already Angry At Unreleased USMNT Roster

Omaha, NE - USMNT super fan Steve Williams tweeted, “BERHALTER OUT WITH THIS SHIT,” as he reacted to the un-released USMNT roster in advance of the release.

“This roster is HORSESHIT,” stated Williams to the scenarios he created in his head. “We will never be a true soccer country until we clean the entire structure of US Soccer so that our best prospects playing in the 2nd French division receive a call up over any MLS Player”

Sources indicate that Williams was likely to be upset about any lineup as he frequently found reasons to hate literally everything the team did. However many people said that was being unfair.

“He only hates what Greg Berhalter does,” stated friend Cathy Evans. “Well and Bruce Arena, Bob Bradley, Sunil Gulati, and the entirety of Major League Soccer, every player that’s every played for Major League Soccer and Steve Sampson who he actually never watched coach a USMNT game.”

The Nutmeg News as Williams takes to his Twitter account to tell people to expect a live Podcast reaction on his youtube channels instagram feed about the situation.