USSF Softens Berhalter Contract Extension With Taylor Swift Tweet

CHICAGO - In anticipation of the online furor certain to take place upon its announcement, the US Soccer Federation released Gregg Berhalter’s contract extension with a "It's Me, I'm the problem It's me” video that contained a smiling Berhalter signing what appeared to be a blank document in front of a green screen.

Sources indicate that this is the sign of a new direction with regards to the Social Media content of the notoriously insular US Soccer as they are operating under the directive of, “For The Lulz,” going forward.

"The For The Lulz initiative is something that will really allow us to connect with our fans,” stated one USSF insider. “We plan to be more meme focused and that will hopefully lead to a better relationship between our younger fans and the federation.”

The long anticipated announcement also contained the lyrics of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" and the number 7. When asked what this was, the USSF press officer just said "great song isn't it"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer twitter account leaves Gio Reyna out of their player selection of “Who Got That Rizz”

Scientists Thrilled As Toxic USMNT Debate Successfully Creates Nuclear Fusion

Livermore, CA - Scientists with the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in Livermore, California claimed victory over a decades long attempt to create nuclear fusion as they harnessed the toxic online USMNT debate after the World Cup to create a net energy gain via Nuclear Fusion.

“Nuclear fusion happens when two or more atoms are fused into one larger one,” stated Livermore public relations official Rod Williams. “Scientists were able to use all of the fusion from people conflating the situation with Gio Reyna, Gregg Berhalter, Jordan Morris, and MLS Players into a supernova of power.”

US Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm will make an announcement on Tuesday of a “major scientific breakthrough,” the department announced.

“We have salty, toxic, and paranoid USMNT fans to thank for this possible breakthrough in clean energy,” stated a spokesperson for Granholm. “They were able to take so many unrelated issues and make them part of one giant issue that the resultant energy yield will now power innovation that will take us into a new era of technology and clean energy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as watchers with the Doomsday clock move the hands ever closer to extinction as they warn that USMNT fans are now focused again on dividing their arguments down to the atom and creating a timebomb again.

Gio Reyna Stan Now Spending More Time Thinking And Talking About Reyna Than Reyna Himself

INTERNET - After spending nearly the entirety of his weekend online arguing about USMNT and Dortmund player Gio Reyna, Skylar Philips was made aware that he is spending more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.

Reyna? Reyna! Reyna…. Reyna! Reyna, reyna reyna reyna. REYNA.

Reyna

REyna

REYNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“There was a 90 minute period where Philips was passionately and unendingly arguing about the treatment of Reyna by Gregg Berhalter and the US Soccer Federation,” stated Harvard scientist Noble Sanderson. “At this time, Reyna himself was playing and focused only on the game in front of himself. It was during this time that Philips spent more time thinking about Reyna than Reyna himself.”

Philips reportedly defended Reyna with terminal intensity while performing all the mundane activities of his life from bed to breakfast to coffee to taking a shit to brushing his teeth to staring at himself staring at a phone in the mirror as he tried to figure out how to do anything……something that would add value to the world.

“It was just after the Dortmund friendly that we were able to validate that Philips is now thinking more about Reyna than Reyna,” stated Sanderson. “And now this continued all the way through the weekend. While Reyna was napping, Philips was online harassing journalists about Reyna’s treatment by the coaching staff. While Reyna was in REM sleep, Philips was creating a Free Reyna meme online. While Reyna was brushing his teeth, Philips was continuing on his campaign to blame the collected United States journalists for not doing their job of freeing Reyna.”

For his part, Philips stated that he didn’t see a problem with any of this as he stated, “As a lonely person who is terminally online it is part of my peroggative to fill all my waking hours by acting like a complete lunatic online. Who is to say that there isn’t a global cabal dedicated towards propping up Major League Soccer by ensuring player quotas. Gio Reyna is just the tip of the iceberg. If you go to Lucky Bob’s pizza store in Wilmington, DE in the basement you find the REAL USSF shadow cabal drinking the blood of youth soccer they are restricting from moving to Europe.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Philips states that Reyna must Reyna about Reyna and Reyna all the Reyna.

USMNT Fan Ready To Make Croatia Moving On All About The USMNT

INTERNET - Stating, "What this Croatia victory tells us is that in order for the United States to beat Brazil, we need to be more Croatia in every aspect, whatever that is," soccer fan Steve Smith took to his @RedWhiteAndBlueballs account to turn Croatia's victory over Brazil into a referendum on the USMNT. "Croatia has the population about one of our states, we just need to have everyone in the state, any of them, play soccer, then we'd be able to move on."

Smith reportedly spent most of Friday googling what it is about Croatia that makes them great on the international level as he attempted to make everything good about the team relevant to the USMNT.

"This isn't about the quality of Croatia's development. This is clearly about how Pulisic (who is Croatian by the way) is not getting enough good players to get us to win a World Cup. If he wants to be considered an all time great, then he is responsible for bringing in more Croatian players into the lineup, or at least converting promising Croatian youths with the idealistic life of youth soccer in the United States. Who doesn’t dream of paying huge sums of money to play soccer, travelling long distances to play in tournaments and hoping to make the right kind of residency for a team that the US Soccer Federation will actually scout for talent."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith spends most of Saturday researching what about Portugal makes them relevant to the USMNT.

German National Team Announces Sudden And Immediate Boycott Of 2022 World Cup

QATAR - Hansi Flick, head coach of the German National team, suddenly announced that Germany would immediately be boycotting the rest of the 2022 World Cup in light of the human rights condition and for, “NO OTHER REASON.”

Flick seen here smiling before the tournament.

"Uh... We totally meant to do that because this whole time we've been boycotting this inhumane World Cup. We are happy to no longer be participating in it, completely by choice by the way,” stated Flick to The Nutmeg News.

Fans were reportedly perplexed as the team appeared to be on their way out of tournament regardless of the proposed boycott.

“I believe that they actually were eliminated from the tournament” stated Deiter Hass, of Berlin.

However, for his part, Flick stated that the team was absolutely 100% boycotting the round of 16, in a very visible way.

“This is the least we can do. We will now stand with our hands over our mouths permanently by not being at the tournament anymore,” stated Flick.

Nutmeg News will have more as the DFB pays $10000 in airline change fees for an "earlier than expected flight"

Merritt Paulson Announces Sale Of The Thorns In Order To Focus On Rebuilding The Abusive Front Office Culture At The Timbers

Portland, OR - The owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, Merritt Paulson, announced that he would be selling the Portland Thorns in order to focus on rebuilding and furthering the abusive front office culture at the Portland Timbers.

“For too long I’ve had a split attention between the two teams and I haven’t given the growth of the abusive culture at the Timbers the time it needs,” stated Paulson to The Nutmeg News. “With the sale of the Thorns I can finally work on re-creating the toxic environment of yes men and sexual harassers that was pulled out from underneath me by a small minority of toxic, hateful fans online who just can’t accept boys being boys.”

Sources indicate that Paulson has long held a grudge against anyone who wants to question his absolute rule over the Timbers and was devastated when he no longer had friends in the front office to make lewd and sexist jokes with about his employees.

“He’s been moping around in his office ignoring reports from human resources by himself,” stated one Timbers insider. “Usually he spends the afternoon trying to figure out if his front office teams can operate with fewer employees and setting up a spam filter on any emails regarding employee complaints so that he can claim that he never saw them.”

For his part, Paulson expressed that the sale of the Thorns came with a great amount of fondness for the team.

“This team has been a part of my life from the time I hired an abusive coach to the time that I ignored multiple players alleging sexual and emotional abuse to the time that I covered up the actions of my general manager, president of the team and at least one player,” stated Paulson

The Nutmeg News will have more as Paulson plans for the eventual sale of the Timbers upon his death with the conditiont that the team be moved to Las Vegas.

USMNT Draw Proclaimed A Huge Victory For Angry US Soccer Reply Guys On Twitter

INTERNET - Angry US Soccer Reply Guys claimed a major victory as the United States Men’s National Team drew 0-0 against England at the 2022 Qatar Dead Migrant Worker World Cup.

“I’ve never been so happy to have so many of my preconceived notions about this team come true,” stated @AmericaFirstEagleUSMNT. “This just proves that GGG is GGGONE if he was (mls sucks) with a better team (mls sucks) or a better management and MLS Sucks.”

Sources indicate that United States Twitter was overrun by reply guys, self nominated pundits, podcast hosts and youtube talking heads who immediately took to the internet to voice their opinion on how to fix everything wrong with the team’s implosion and/or tell everyone else that this was a great result.

“We saw a massive spike of people complaining to other people about the players both being good and being bad and the manager being both good and bad and the federation being bad,” stated one online researcher. “The consensus was that other fans needed to know that this was a great terrible result full of great and terrible moments that somehow these other fans that needed to know that everything was good and bad at the same time heralding the dawn of a new era and also the decline of the sport locally until everything gets fixed. This corresponded with people replying to other people saying Major League Soccer sucks and others rebutting that statement by saying that Major League Soccer is the best, other than England, Germany, Italy and parts of the Dutch league.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Colorado Springs USMNT fan Daniel Anderson takes time to proclaim that the US is the best nation in the world.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Acclaims The Experience Of Ordering A Migrant's Passport And Wages To Be Taken During Qatar World Cup Press Junket

Qatar - Fox Sports talking head Alexi Lalas was reportedly over the moon during a recent Qatar World Cup press junket as the television personality was able to experience the thrill of ordering a migrant's passport and wages to be taken in order to keep them in indentured servitude

“If you want to experience the rich cultural history of the leaders of Qatar you have to really get in with their customs,” stated Lalas as he ordered another migrant worker without travelling rights to sleep in a corrugated steel shack without air conditioning in the desert. “This is the best way to experience the world cup.”

Sources indicate that Lalas stated, “freedom is never free,” as he ordered a welder to have their pay docked for heatstroke.

“It’s important we observer the rich cultural traditions of the leaders of this land,” stated Lalas through an interpreter. “Such as denying LGBTQ people their right to exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas posts a picture update to his twitter account of him notifying the family of a Nepalese migrant worker of the death of their father with the headline, “what are we upset about today, tweeps!”

USL Headquarters In Sponsorship Discussions With ITT Tech

Tampa, FL - Sources within the USL Headquarters in Tampa indicate that there are advanced negotiations going on with the league and the “Education Facility” ITT Tech.

“We think that ITT Technology will allow our less skilled players an opportunity to advance in life by pursuing a career in refrigeration technician or ball-bearing greaser,” stated one insider.

According to those privy to the deal, ITT Tech will become the official education sponsor of the USL Championship and they will offer 2 and a half credits to every player who applies for student loans during the 2023 and 2030 seasons.

“This is really a groundbreaking partnership that far exceeds the opportunities you can get at DeVry,” stated one league insider. “We all know that this will attract the best players from just outside of Cleveland to play in this league if they know that they could also have a future as a diesel mechanic.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS considers a partnership with Grand Canyon University.

ISC Conference Planners Ask LAFC Fans To Avoid Throwing Bottles And Cups At Other Attendees

Albuquerque, NM - ISC Conference 2023 planners reportedly reached out to LAFC fans to ask them to avoid throwing bottles and cups at other attendees of the annual get together, otherwise they may be restricted from going to the event.

“We felt that this should be a welcome event for everyone,” stated one anonymous member. “And honestly throwing bottles, cans or plastic cups at another fan is not something we want people to start doing.”

Sources indicate that the members of the 3252, amongst other LA groups, have pushed back stating that, “no one that’s a member threw anything at anyone and anyway throwing bottles at players and fans is how we support our team if any of us did it which we did not.”

However, despite that statement, the conference planning committee put in a place a, “no bottles or cans at the meeting,” policy to deter any potential accidents.

“It’s important to avoid anyone getting a bottle thrown at them,” stated one committee member. “And we will do our best to ensure that doesn’t happen even if we have to prohibit the ability of our members to drink anything while there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC fans point to other fans as being the real bottle throwers in the league.

Cryogenically Frozen Big Soccer Admin Awakens From 12 Year Slumber

INTERNET - Sources indicate that the cryogenically frozen forum administrator for Big Soccer awakened from a 12 year slumber as the cracks in Twitter began to spread like the end of days.

“FINALLY. MY TIME HAS COME,” stated the administrator who immediately looked into the log files and asked about what Kanye West was up to these days. “MY MINIONS WILL TAKE OVER ALL SOCCER DISCUSSION AS WE MOVE FORWARD TOWARD…….. HOLY. SHIT………. QATAR?!.”

People in the know indicated that the administrator began work on correcting the MLS forums as clearly someone had hacked into the databased to add teams as a joke.

“NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOCCER IN THE SOUTH. WE SETTLED THIS BACK BEFORE JOHN O’BRIEN RETIRED. DID YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHN O’BRIEN? BEST USMNT PLAYER EVER. PLAYED FOR AJAX.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Administrator asks about whether he can still get repped.

Soccer Fan Quickly Posts Hot Takes To Twitter In Advance Of Platform's Impending Collapse

NEW YORK - Stating, “I gotta get these things out before no one sees them,” soccer fan Javier Garcia quickly posted, “Promotion Relegation is a lie,” followed by, “Dax McCarty WAS AN OVERRATED METRO PLAYER,” followed by, “No one actually cares how many migrants died to build the World Cup,” before he refreshed to see if Twitter still existed

Friends state that Garcia become fidgety after he realized that there was a chance that his 48 followers wouldn’t know the full truth that he lived with every day.

“He kept talking about how everyone needs to know these facts,” stated one anonymous friend. “And then he said that he has nothing to lose anymore.”

Sources indicate that Garcia quickly posted more and more incendiary “facts” to his account with the only interruption being a momentary post to ask his followers if he was shadowbanned due to the lack of engagement.

“There’s no time left,” stated Garcia to his account. “Everything from my brain must be emptied into the garbage dump of Twitter. It’s the only way that I will be reborn free from this site. All things must flow according to the whim of the Musk and then we will awaken in a new era of consciousness free from Twitter….. yes… free from Social Media!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garcia gets a surprise call from Human Resources about some of his strident online views.

Area Man Already Angry At Unreleased USMNT Roster

Omaha, NE - USMNT super fan Steve Williams tweeted, “BERHALTER OUT WITH THIS SHIT,” as he reacted to the un-released USMNT roster in advance of the release.

“This roster is HORSESHIT,” stated Williams to the scenarios he created in his head. “We will never be a true soccer country until we clean the entire structure of US Soccer so that our best prospects playing in the 2nd French division receive a call up over any MLS Player”

Sources indicate that Williams was likely to be upset about any lineup as he frequently found reasons to hate literally everything the team did. However many people said that was being unfair.

“He only hates what Greg Berhalter does,” stated friend Cathy Evans. “Well and Bruce Arena, Bob Bradley, Sunil Gulati, and the entirety of Major League Soccer, every player that’s every played for Major League Soccer and Steve Sampson who he actually never watched coach a USMNT game.”

The Nutmeg News as Williams takes to his Twitter account to tell people to expect a live Podcast reaction on his youtube channels instagram feed about the situation.

Don Garber Announces, "DO Cross The line," Campaign

LOS ANGELES - At his State Of The Union speech, Commissioner Don Garber announced a new DO Cross The Line campaign for MLS ownership groups.

“We’ve been too strict with the morality monitoring in recent years,” stated Garber to gathered reporters. “I still regret that we removed Dell Loy Hansen from ownership and the Jorge Vergara situation was just unfortunate. I am announcing a new DO Cross The Line Campaign that will free up our ownership groups to do whatever they want at any time without repercussion.”

Sources indicate that the DO Cross The Line campaign will educate owners that they can get away with literally anything they want as long as they are making money for the league.

“Owners have been informed that impeding an investigation, sexually harassing women, sexually assaulting women, racial abuse, blackmailing cities for public money investments into stadiums and stating repeated willful falsehoods to the paying customers are all ok, as long as the team is bringing in the cash to the league,” stated one league insider.

“The DO Cross The Line campaign will start with a series of videos on how to arrange after hours hotel visits between male executives and female staff before breaking out into groups discussing ways to deflect public accusations of sexual harassment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber announces that Merritt Paulson will receive a bonus for having more than 2 ongoing investigations into his team over the past year.

OPINION: What If The Most Outlaw Thing Anyone Can Do Is Turn In Their Fellow Fans Who Are Critical Of Qatar In Order to Get A Free Trip

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from A Fan of Omaha, NE The viewpoints and opinions of A. Fan do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

“Websters defines an Outlaw as one that is unconventional or rebellious. With the report breaking today of the beneficial nature of the relationship between the American Outlaws and state regime that runs Qatar, I ask you, the reader, what is more rebellious than turning in our own fans who are critical of the government and human rights record of Qatar for free a free trip.

“I believe…. I believe that…. I believe that Qatar didn’t enslave migrants, withhold passports and kill workers in order to hold the World Cup”

Throughout the whole of human history we have seen daring rebels take on the establishment.

When Sid Vicious smashed a guitar on stage, that was the equivalent of turning in a few twitter accounts that detailed the detailed the deaths of migrant workers in Qatar for a chartered flight

When Johnny Cash flipped off the camera for that poster that hangs on my wall, that was the equivalent of getting free tickets for reporting fans who made private posts on Facebook that are critical of the extreme homophobic laws that Qatar has which will endanger fans at the World Cup.

When Scarface did that line of coke, that’s exactly the same as me getting private access to the temporary beer areas and a trailer of my own to sleep in if I turn in a few more fans for tweeting that Qatar practiced a form of slavery by not allowing migrant workers to leave while also not paying them.

There is nothing more American Outlaw than our rebellious nature and I say the biggest rebels of all are the ones that willingly endanger and turn on their own fans in order to gain access to the glorious nation of Qatar and the World Cup that will be the best ever held. GO QATAR.”

Welcome To Wrexham Team Greenlights Additional Episode Explaining Why The Tories Suck

Wrexham, Wales - The production team behind the television series documenting the takeover of AFC Wrexham by American television star Rob McElhenney and his friend Ryan, indicated that they would greenlight an additional episode of the second series to explain exactly who the Tories are and why they suck.

“Our viewers may not know about austerity,” stated McElhenney to The Nutmeg News as he closed 30 Wikipedia tabs in the background. “They may not know about Thatcher cutting public services or eliminating the free school milk program. They may not know about the collapse of industrial Liverpool or the antithetical nature of Tory politics to Scouse Solidarity. It’s going to be part of Welcome To Wrexham that we explain these things to our North American audience as we did with the football hooligans and bromances.”

Sources indicate that McElhenney was floating the idea of explaining Labour Party politics, Rees-Moog memes and the class political voting nature of Britain before binning it for an episode that focuses specifically on the Tory politicians just being a box of assholes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Welcome To Wrexham: Fuck The Tories will debut in October of 2023.

Merritt Paulson Appoints Calvin Wilkerton As General Manager Of Thorns And Timbers

PORTLAND - Stating, “We must rebuild the trust in our organization,” Portland Thorns and Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson stated that he was appointing former New Zealand international Calvin Wilkerton as General Manager of both teams.

Wilkerton’s club statistics were not immediately available.

“We are excited to start a new, more transparent future together,” stated Paulson about Wilkerton. “Calvin comes from a long background of playing , managing and general managing club teams. He has expertise with both men and women’s programs and we expect him to fit in perfectly around here.”

The Nutmeg News pool reporter questioned whether Calvin Wilkerton is just Gavin Wilkinson wearing a fake mustache and Paulson stated, “Certain dissident fans would have you believe these salacious rumors but I can guarantee you nothing is further from the truth. We’ve signed Calvin to a 3 year contract to prove that he is not Gavin Wilkinson.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson announces a new business executive hire of Michael Grolub.

Merritt Paulson Delays Response As He Looks At High Resolution Security Footage Of Last Timbers Game To Isolate Fans Responsible For Scandal

Portland, OR - Merritt Paulson, the owner of the Portland Thorns and Timbers, delayed his response to the Sally Yates report as he spent the last 24 hours looking at high resolution security footage of the last Portland Timbers game in order to identify the specific fans responsible for the scandal that beset both of the teams he controls.

“This guy here once called me a spineless daddy’s boy on Twitter,” stated Paulson as he zoomed in on a figure holding up a two-stick. “I have a belief that he is directly responsible for the way that Cindy Parlow Cone was hyper sensitive to a casual comment by Mike Golub.”

Paulson reportedly had the security footage made available to himself as he asked for the secret folders he keeps on fans to cross reference to video shots in order to identify those who have been actively plotting to bring down his team.

“That guy right there once said that he didn’t think Gavin Wilkinson was a good evaluator of talent on an Instagram comment from 2012,” stated Paulson. “He has clearly been planning this from the beginning. And this woman here has been commenting on every Facebook post that I am responsible. This whole scandal is Fake News stirred up by dissident fans who just hate a successful man. The whole operation. The fans are the ones responsible and I will make certain that I identify every single one that participated in this charade.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers and Thorns put out a press release stating that they are actually right and everyone else is wrong.

NWSL Owner Used To Looking The Other Way Disappointed To See TV Coverage Of NWSL Scandal In Peripheral Vision

CHICAGO - Arnim Whisler, majority owner of the Chicago Red Stars, claimed that he was disappointed to see television coverage of the NWSL scandal which directly involved himself and the Chicago Red Stars after spending years looking the other way.

“I’ve been dutifully ignoring my responsibilities in all this,” stated Whisler to The Nutmeg News. “And imagine trying to completely avoid any culpability in hiring a monster to coach your team only to see that point brought up on the evening news. It’s positively exhausting.”

Sources indicate that Whisler sighed to himself and tried to look the other away again like he did with the allegations against Rory Dames only to see a condemnation of his organization on the website of USA Today.

“What good is wealth and influence if it doesn’t insulate me against these accusations,” stated Whisler. “I go to this website to avoid anything that might name me in the slightest and I didn’t look the other way to see something about me on every paper.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Whisler continues to claim that he is the victim in all this.

Orlando City Fan Saves, "USOC Is A Meaningless Competition Anyway," Tweet To Drafts

Orlando, FL - Covering all his bases, Orlando City fan Tom Watson typed out and saved a, “USOC Is A Meaningless Competition Anyway,” tweet to his drafts as he prepared for the worst.

“Better safe than sorry,” stated Watson as he prepared for the game this evening. “I’m not saying that this team is jinxed, but this team IS Orlando City. Until proven otherwise, I’m ready for pain tonight.”

Friends say that Watson is always pretty reactionary as they shrugged off his gloom and prepared for an inevitable Orlando City win, but Watson stated that what they say doesn’t bother him.

“To be honest, I was 10 seconds away from actually scheduling that tweet for tonight, but I decided to have a little positivity. What these people don’t understand is that just because we are favored to win doesn’t mean shit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Watson spends the entire game saying, “oh here we go,” in disgust.