With Racism Defeated, Soccer Activists Turn Back To Promotion/Relegation

With the specter of racism finally defeated, online soccer activists turned back to trying to institute promotion/relegation within the multiple divisions of American soccer.

“Now that Biden is President,” stated soccer Twitter promotion/relegation activist Steve Stephens. “Black people and people of color can unite with us to defeat the true enemy of the United States, a closed system that doesn’t allow soccer teams to advance based upon merit.”

Advocates of Promotion/Relegation reportedly decorated their porches and stoops with the American flag to signify a new beginning as they refocused their online efforts to disrupting what they consider to be an egregious system.

“This issue has been dividing us, even though one side is clearly the most right since the beginning of time. It’s on all of us to fix this and begin healing,” stated Soccer twitter expert @PRORELUSAFORUSAUSA. “People talk about racism all the time, but no one mentions the BONDAGE of incorporated soccer teams to a closed system. If we want true liberation for people of color and for the people of America, we need promotion and relegation. We need people to speak up and not stay silent about important issues anymore. It’s time for all those so-called anarchists and anti-facists to step up and denounce the TRUE facists in their midst….. LEAGUE OWNER/OPERATORS.”

According to a straw poll of millionaires exhibited by computer simulations on Football Manager, instituting promotion and relegation would net everyone many moneys if done immediately by Presidential decree.

However, those against the system state, “Um, what? That’s not how it works at all,” as they complained against all the freedom that activists are fighting towards.

“Life will only matter when the bondage of a USL team stuck in the USL will finally be released,” stated Paul Wetherby, online. “We must go up, not down, and build not destroy and make this a system that will allow Tulsa to lose another team not to lack of a first division chance, but rather to the endless speculation and horrifying overspending that a first division will entail.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as everyone realizes that Biden is keeping the commissioners in check because the number 14 equals 5 if you add them together and that indicates how many years before there’s a revolution.

MLS To Broadcast Games On Turner Classic Movies

NEW YORK - In the wake of the NFL broadcasting a game on kids channel Nickelodeon, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that they would be broadcasting select games during the 2021 season on Turner Classic Movies (TCM).

The Sports Business Journal of Iowa indicated that MLS picked up Werther’s Original as a series sponsor for the games aimed at expanding their demographic.

TCM host Ben Mankiewicz will introduce the upcoming game of the week while specifying the salient points, actors, and plotlines.

“All the games will start 10 minutes after the proposed start time to allow all the credits to run in advance,” stated MLS Director of infotainment Paul Davey. “As well, the game will feature light commentary by Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen explaining that, in fact, soccer is not a entry point for communism into the fabric of American life. They will also talk about stagecraft, acting, gardening, and the difficulty of performing King Lear for a discerning English crowd.”

According to the official release, the league will also take a queue from TCM’s theme nights where they will attempt some technological breakthroughs that will thrill the new demographic they are targeting.

“We will have a noir night,” stated Davey. “We will broadcast in black and white while moves on the field will be viewed through a lens of treachery and intrigue. The announcers for noir night will be wearing fedoras and trench coats and will be trained to replicate the fast talking banter of early Billy Wilder who, incidentally, brought Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau together, don’tcha know. We also want to acknowledge that movies in this era were racially charged and we believe that having high bill games in black and white will prove we don’t see color.”

The Nutmeg News will now go to the replay sponsored by Werther’s Low Sugar…… because we know you missed it before.

Montreal Sources Indicate New Logo Will Soften Impact Of 6-0 Loss

MONTREAL - Sources with the front office of Club de Foot Montreal indicate that the new logo will soften the impact of any upcoming 6-0 loss.

“Our analytics indicate that the new logo will make a 6-0 loss feel like 2-0 loss, or possibly even a 1-0 loss,” stated one source. “For our fans this will make 2021 feel like a very, very successful season.”

With fans asking why the team didn’t just try to win games repeatedly and then win trophies, instead of spending money on a refresh of an existing name with history, the team stated, “We spent 3 USL midfielders salary on logo design that looks like a butterfly being eaten by a sparrow. There’s no way that spending money on a USL/MLS fringe competent backup to our fullbacks or centerbacks would generate more impact. They will certainly see that the money we spent on a logo, which could have been used towards a defensive midfielder, will actually be worth it in these moments. Old logo, no logo, we’re probably losing to the Whitecaps anyway, but now we will be losing WITH STYLE.”

With the team attempting to seize control of the narrative of the team not being the same team that finished 17th, 15th, 18th and 18th in the league overall, fans expressed their excitement.

“This logo is going to be like if the team actually spent money on a team that actually wins instead of spending money on a logo, except they did and now we have a logo,” stated Montreal de Club de Foot fan Jacques Ilward who finished his statement with the word, “tabarnak,” muttered under his breath as he wandered away.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Club De Foot Montreal claim supremacy of 9th place in their conference.

Necromancers Announce NWSL Still Very Much Alive As Draft Rolls Forward

The International Necromancers Union (INU) announced that the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) was actually still very much alive as the college draft rolled forward.

“It’s not dead, It’s just part of our Goth to Boss program.”

“We were called in to resurrect the league, but it is apparently, NOT dead,” stated Count Denwin of Bogue Chitto, Louisiana.

Despite many fans claiming that the league is, “totally dead this time, ok,” the INU said that nothing could be further from the truth.

“We know dead,” stated Denwin. “And this isn’t dead. I don’t know what it is, but it isn’t dead. We would be happy if it was dead. That’s kinda our thing. This is just a draft. However, I would like to remind everyone in the INU this is why we collect our fees in advance and have our contracts. THANK YOU COLLECTIVE BARGAINING.”

With Catarina Macario’s departure to Lyon announced, many fans took this as an opportunity to, again, claim that the league was dead. However, the INU stated that despite all this the league is still very much alive.

“This isn’t a WPS situation,” stated Denwin. “We can still see a pulse. We tried a lot of things, but you can’t …. RAISE… the living. You can only live with them and all their flaws. It appears that, for now, fans will just have to accept that the league is still alive. The Utah Royals… on the other hand….. Well… We have some spells for that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a zombie Royals army arises from the depths of the Wasatch.

Nashville SC Announce DeviantArt As New Kit Sponsor Following Tempo The Fox Reveal

Nashville, TN - Fresh off a sassy boudoir furry photopic in the bathroom of the Music City Center, Tempo the Fox revealed that the Major League Soccer (MLS) side would have DeviantArt.com as the new kit sponsor for the 2021 season.

100% Beefcake

“We are embracing the alternative communities that run rampant in Nashville and part of this is our commitment to furry life, furry dating, positive fursonas, furrventions, and compassionate, respectful, boundary pushing yiffing,” stated Nashville director of marketing Yovald “Terror Fox” McDonald.

“We are beyond excited for the new group of unique people attracted by our mascot. He’s the right amount of family fun along with the right amount of an uncomfortable tinge you get when watching the Disney Robin Hood cartoon movie.”

Nashville SC will follow this move with anime fan art of players, as well as what is definitely a NSFW match poster of Tempo with an overexaggerated and discarded cod-piece themed for every match for the coming season.

“I don’t really know what to say,” said captain Dax McCarty.

For his part, McDonald was adamant that their upcoming campaign would strike the right cord with Nashville fans.

“Who wouldn’t want romantic pictures of Sora from Kingdom Hearts in a loving embrace with Tempo. I think we are reflecting the open mind at this club that will really grow the game”

The Nutmeg News will have more as they work on their Tempo the Coyote dating sim game to be release on Steam

With The First Insurrection Attempt Of 2021 Out Of The Way, Republicans Urge Country To Unite With MLS SuperDraft

With the first insurrection attempt of 2021 out of the way, Republicans across the United States indicated their desire to have the country unite around the 22nd edition of the Major League Soccer SuperDraft.

“Thank god, It’s SuperDraft time,” stated a beleaguered Kevin Brady. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the prospects of Ousseni Bouda and I think we are going to see some really interesting trades for allocation money and future draft picks. All patriotic Americans should take this time to really focus solely on the SuperDraft until January 21. When we said Blue Lives Matter we meant soccer players from Duke.”

Desperate for anything to distract the entirety of the world from the horrifying rot at the center of Republican politics, politicians and pundits lashing about for anything to distract themselves from facing the next attempted armed insurrection found the 2021 SuperDraft as a possible great unifying event.

“It’s SUPERDRAFT TIME,” stated an enthusiastic U.S. Representative Alex Mooney. “Everyone should have a SuperDraft Pool! You can fill one out on Fox Sports! Let’s all watch the true American tradition of subjugating unpaid talent to a variety of distribution methods they don’t have control over. TWO WEEKS OF SUPERDRAFT COVERAGE!”

“We need now more than ever for the country to unite together,” stated U.S. Representative Ken Buck. “Regardless of their role in ruining the country with their socialist and BLM communist agenda, we should all gather to wonder who some of these players are that are getting drafted. Yeah we supported Trump, but now can’t we all support Barron Trump?”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Kevin McCarthy describes Justin McMaster as being very well spoken.

National Nightmare Finally Over As Chicago Fire Announce Logo Change

CHICAGO - People of all walks of life rejoiced, today, as the long national nightmare is finally over with the announcement of the Chicago Fire changing their current logo.

“I’ve been depressed about what this meant for our country for the past year,” stated Fire fan Tommy Jones. “What does it mean for this country, for the people who live here when we have a logo this bad. It was just a true national tragedy.”

The Chicago Fire indicated that they would be looking for help from the national fanbase of the team in order to create a crest that would reflect the identity of their location, fans and team.

“Thank god,” stated a celebrating Phil Bondarenko. “We’ve been living under a dark cloud that would not dissipate this last year and three months. This is who we are, as Americans, and finally…. through our struggle and our efforts… the long national shame of our great country has been lifted. THANK GOD ALMIGHTY!”

The Nutmeg News was able to speak to a socially distanced block party of one that were out celebrating the decision in the street and the individual stated, “I’m going to take Saturday off in celebration! Granted, I already get Saturday off, but is time for a celebration!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire front office immediately regrets involving the fans in this decision.

Andrew Carleton Released From D.C. Lineup After Failing To Score A Felony

WASHINGTON - Former soccer player Andrew Carleton was reportedly released from a Make America Great Again (MAGA) D.C. police lineup in an end-of-season roster dump as the former Atlanta United player returned from Washington D.C. without scoring a felony.

“It was really just everything,” stated one source. “ Andrew couldn’t remember the name of five cereals for his Proud Boys induction ceremony, for starters. The real problem is that Carleton was highly inconsistent as he missed a point blank opportunity to score a felony by charging the floor of the Senate.”

Sources indicate that a energetic Carleton posted a photo of him heading to the insurrectionist rally in Washington D.C. to his Instagram page.

The recently released Atlanta United player was reportedly excited to show all of his past, present and future teammates that he was capable of being productive with upholding white supremacy and staging a coup for Donald Trump.

“He’s really excited to let every black teammate know that he walks side by side with people who openly denigrate Black Lives Matter and their community,” stated one source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dejected Carleton calls around looking for other opportunities to overthrow a democratically elected government.

MLS Executives Confused As Geoff Cameron Requests Transfer To Washington D.C. In Order To, "Aid The Revolution"

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) executives were reportedly confused as MAGA supporting soccer player Geoff Cameron requested a transfer to Washington D.C. in order to, “aid the Revolution.”

“But…. The Revolution are in New England,” stated one befuddled executive who spoke with The Nutmeg News on the condition of privacy. “If he wants to aid the Revolution wouldn’t he go to Foxborough instead?”

Sources indicate that Cameron was adamant that it was time for his services to be used aiding the Revolution and the New England Revolution supporters group The Rebellion as sources indicate that he stated, “It is long since time for the Revolution and the Rebellion to happen in the United States.”

League executives reportedly pushed back asking why he would go to D.C. United if he wanted to aid the Revolution as Cameron reportedly sent back an email saying, “LIBRAL HOAX. FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. MAGA. STOP THE STEAL.”

“He clearly REALLY wants to play for the Revolution,” stated one league insider. “We just need him to understand it’s not in D.C.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron indicates that he is willing to fund the Revolution from abroad.

Medal Of Freedom Awarded To Fan Who Tweeted "All Lives Matter" At MLS Account

WASHINGTON - The office of the President Of The United States indicated that sports fan Dave “@MagaRedTide123345432231” Edwards was awarded the Medal of Freedom in a private ceremony this past Monday for tweeting “All Lives Matter” at the official Major League Soccer account.

In announcing the award, the White House said that Edwards helped, “reject the Black Lives Matter plot infesting soccer in the United States.”

“I definitely feel that Dave of Orlando, Florida displayed considerable bravery in telling the official MLS account that All Lives Matter,” stated White House spokesperson Kayleigh McEnany. “To stand by such an opinion, one that I would say reflects true American values, requires the utmost praise and distinction.”

The award to @MagaRedTide123345432231 was criticized by writers with Major League Soccer who indicated that giving the once prestigious award for an action rooted in bigotry was going to only encourage further awful tweets at the official account.

However, for their part, the White House stood firm as The Nutmeg News received an email on the subject that requested our efforts in, “finding 12,000 votes to stop cancel culture antifa destruction to making America great again by contributing to the continuous reelection and campaign fund for the once and future king of America.”

The Nutmeg News wlll have more as the White House awards the Medal of Freedom to “Your boy Chad” who was the first person to Ice a fellow AO bro at a USMNT tailgate.

Vaccine Rollout Speed Gives MLS Fan Hope She Will Be Back In The Stands In 2024

Boston, MA - New England Revolution fan Phillipa Still stated that the current speed of the COVID-19 vaccine rollout really was giving her hope that she will be back in the stands in 2024.

“I’m definitely at the back of the queue as far as priority goes,” stated Still to The Nutmeg News. “But the way they are quickly moving through patients lets me know that they are really attempting to enable me to see live sports in 3 or 4 years.”

Sources indicate that Still has no real idea who is getting vaccinated around her, how she will obtain the vaccine, and even if it is available.

“I keep hearing things like halving the vaccine load, or that people are refusing it or destroying it,” stated Still to The Nutmeg News. “So it stands to reason that we are an eternity away from any kind of mass spectator events.”

For their part, Major League Soccer sources indicated that they didn’t need a vaccine to let people congregate in their stadiums as they stated, “once everyone gets tired of this… and we are already there… they are just going to give up and won’t care about the consequences, and then we can finally get 4 or 5 thousand people into the stands willingly.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Still sits at home and fondly talks about the before times when she would go to a restaurant and a movie.

LAFC Lauded As Best CONCACAF Champions League Almost Victors In League History

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) were lauded after their almost win in the CONCACAF Champions League as being the best Almost Victors in league history by pundits across the league.

“I truly can’t think of a better team that didn’t end up winning enough to win a trophy,” stated one league writer. “LAFC is truly incredible. They are revolutionizing the way we see second place.”

Analysts and pundits employed by the league were shocked at the nearly outstanding play by the league darling as they bullied their way to the finals in a way not reminiscent of other teams that also went to the final and lost.

“The way they attacked and then conceded goals late ultimately being unable to win the trophy in the final game of the tournament? REVOLUTIONARY,” stated one league pundit.

“They’re doing the choking in the last possible moment thing better than any other MLS team,” stated one writer. “Other teams really should be amazed by their work.”

MLS quickly put out a new article of the best almost victor come from behind almost victories in CCL history naming the 2020 LAFC almost victory against Tigres as the number moment of the year.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC give up another late goal.

USMNT Fan Not About To Let One Fake Twitter Cancer Scam Stop Him From Reading And Re-Tweeting The Other 400 Fake Insider Accounts He Follows

Saginaw, MI - USMNT fan Jason Phillips stated that he was not about to let one fake Twitter account that betrayed his trust by turning out to fake a Cancer scam and be full of fraudulent, bullshit information keep him from reading and re-tweeting the other 400 fake insider accounts that he follows.

“Ok, so he DIDNT have brain cancer,” stated Phillips to The Nutmeg News. “But maybe he also did and this is all just a psyop! Who knows the truth these days. After all, he did DM me something about how he liked a tweet I wrote a year ago that would likely prove true with a player in the future and that…. MEANS something. This isn’t like Q-Anon, this is more important. To suggest that some people wouldn’t have insider information regarding the evil Machiavellian conspiracy that inundates US Soccer is ridiculous, so some of these people are clearly legit.”

Phillips indicated that despite most of the accounts that he follows being repeatedly and historically wrong over the course of time, that it’s worth following them for the 1 time they are right that makes him feel like he had some kind of insider information.

“Ok, so some of the information was bullshit,” stated Phillips, “but also some of the information might NOT be bullshit. We haven’t gotten there yet, but you never know! Plus, I know that if I follow 1,000 Twitter accounts claiming they are insiders that ONE of them has to be. ITS THE LAWS OF PROBABILITY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Phillips gets more insider information that is 100% not true, but that also won’t be provable for over a year which guarantees that he really won’t remember that it wasn’t true.

Friendly Neighborhood Millionaire Hopes You Spend $600 Stimulus Check On His Soccer Team

The friendly neighborhood millionaire/billionaire that owns your local soccer team stated that he hopes you spend your upcoming $600 stimulus check on his soccer team as it’s been a, “HECK of a time on my portfolio during this global event.”

“It’s been very rough for all of us that own franchises, sports teams, Tesla stock, second homes in the Virgin Islands, and multi-story condominium land developments,” stated your local millionaire. “I hope that you understand that I could really use that $600 in season ticket payments or kit sales to offset what a terrible year 2020 was for my overall portfolio.”

Despite the $600 barely even making a dent in utilities, back-due rent, bank fees, and interest rate payments on the credit cards you’ve used to survive the past 11 months while the rich in the United States continue to make money, your friendly neighborhood millionaire wants you to know that it’s been trying for him..

“I haven’t take a trip to the French Alps, this year,” stated the owner of the team that you go sing for every weekend. “And our overall sales have been way down. I re-invested some stocks in what I like to call pandemic planning to ensure that I don’t have financial problems in the future so I suggest that everyone call their broker and ensure that you really diversify your funds across a large segment of the industry.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer fan Sandra Ruiz who stated that some of the $600 will go to a payday loan shop to cover the fees they need to cash the check as she is overdrawn at the bank and needs the money for groceries instead of paying it all to settle the ever increasing fees with Wells Fargo.

“I hope that my team owner understands that I can’t afford to buy anything with this $600 because we need to eat,” stated Ruiz.

For their part, your friendly local millionaire was incensed that everyone can’t live off $600 as he stated that, “better financial planning would allow you to buy an authentic kit, a stocking stuffer from the front office and a down payment on a split level townhouse.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer teams plan stimulus sales.

"This Is The Healthiest Relationship With Soccer I've Had In Years," States Man Depressed By Literally Everything Else

From deep underneath his weighted blanket and soothing white noise machine, soccer fan Harper Williams stated, “this is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years,” as Williams admitted he was relived to find his anxiety and paralyzing depression were not just linked to the wins and losses of a sports team.

“Typically I think that I need to make certain I’m keeping track of my overall mood and ability to slip into a depression based upon the things that happen over the course of a season,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “However, this time it’s apparent that whether we win or whether we lose… whether we have a great centerback or a winger that can’t complete a pass, that we are all going to suffer the horrifying paralytic crushing depression of watching your friends and family exhibit their near fatal obsession with flouting medical, political and scientific mandates because they want to shop at a Wal-Mart and drink at a bar despite the deaths of over 300,000 of their fellow denizens.”

Williams indicated that this wasn’t something he realized immediately at the start of the year, but was the biproduct losing faith in literally every facet of his family and societal structure as he became aware of what people were doing around him due to the excessively long time that he was alone this year.

“I watched my friends deny that there was a pandemic, become sick and then spread it around. I watched others become Trump supporters and start talking about Q-spiracies. To paraphrase the poet, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation show themselves to be petty, horrifyingly short sighted human beings who don’t really give a shit about anything other than their own wallet and experiences. It makes that 1-1 draw with those red cards that weren’t given pretty meaningless. I’ve really been able to enjoy games this year because I can’t hit bottom after a loss.”

In an attempt at severely over-exaggerated cheerfulness, Williams stated that he wasn’t bad all the time, but that it would creep up upon him as an anxious itching begging to ruin his day with thoughts about how awful everything was.

“I said it before, but this really is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams has a paralyzing nightmare about being in a city square with people walking about him and no way to protect himself.

MLS Parler Account Not Doing As Well As Planned

INTERNET - Sources with Major League Soccer indicate that their attempt to interact with all people from all political convictions is failing as the Parler account set up for the league is not doing as well as planned.

Parler, the social media site for extreme right/authoritarian conservatives who have lost their mind, was considered another social media presence for MLS as the league searched for another way to reach out to conservatives and bring them into soccer.

“We wanted to make big strides with the conservative demographic but it turns out they are really weird,” stated one anonymous source. “It’s… well… it’s gone poorly.”

A post to the social media service to promote MLS Cup, last weekend, was met with a barrage of comments demanding to know if the league was a communist agent fueled by the animate corpse of Che Guevara, and taking republican children into the under-verse to teach non-traditional gender roles, love of ethnic foods that are fronts for Muslim fundamentalists who don’t say Merry Christmas, and subservience to Karl Marx, who is still alive and teaching there.

“Q told Steve who told Linda who told Dave who told @BigLieOpenSky who deciphered the riddles by connecting the 3rd letter from every Trump tweet that you can take your commie ball and stick it with your marxist black lives matters up your libral media ass, Crew to win and defeat Seattle Antifa Rioters,” stated one Parler account to the MLS post trying to encourage fans to predict the game score.

An account attributed to USMNT soccer player Geoff Cameron asked people to consider that Major League Soccer would be a gateway to young people learning about the basic philosophies of conservatives as he argued that the league could have a, “Women belong in the kitchen, and White Men created the world,” night.

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS prepares for their next barrage of comments after making a post supporting the Black Players for Change.

Anthony Precourt Celebrates Columbus Crew Win By Planning To Screw Additional Group Of Fans

Austin, TX - Carpetbagging shithead Anthony Precourt celebrated the MLS Cup win by the Columbus Crew by planning to screw additional groups of fans, in the future.

“I guess you can say I’m a bit of an anti-hero,” stated Precourt into a silver plated hand mirror. “Adversity makes people more motivated. You can now see the full scope of my work, my… yes… MY masterpiece. I can’t wait to do the same with my new team.”

Precourt indicated that he found it really hard to disassociate his work in making the Crew painful to enjoy with their MLS Cup victory

“This just made me realize that I should do the same things to Austin FC because they’ll win the MLS Cup after,” stated Precourt. “After I sigh a terrible television deal, cut staff, let the stadium decline, and exploit an additional loophole to move the team to San Diego… well…. First they are going to suffer.... but after I'm gone... It'll be championship after championship. I’m doing them a FAVOR, you see.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Anthony Precourt starts planning for the future “Save Austin FC” campaign.

Major League Soccer Awards MLS Cup To Atlanta United Anyway

Columbus, OH - Despite the result of MLS Cup 2020, Commissioner Don Garber indicated that Major League Soccer would be awarding MLS Cup to Atlanta United.

“We awarded Atlanta United the cup because they won it in the last 3 years,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. "Based on Rule 30324, they get the Cup if they don’t make the playoffs.”

Sources indicate that MLS executives made the call after forecasting that the ratings for the game would not break the Verzuz battle between Ashanti and Keyshia Cole.

“Look, at some point we just need to award it to the club with one of the biggest followings and… well… you know what? Screw it. We don’t have to explain shit. SUCK IT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Awards the Player Of The Year to Cristiano Ronaldo.

American Outlaws Thankful They Saved Prepared Statement From The Last Few Racist Incidents

Omaha, NE - The spokesman for the American Outlaws stated that he was, “TOTES THANKFUL, BRO,” that he saved the statement the organization used from the last few racist incidents that the group has had from the people who patronize its ranks.

“Saved me a lot of time, bro,” stated Connor “MURICA LOVER” McGee. “I just changed what I needed to change and did the usual thing where I put the onus on other groups that aren’t affiliated with the national organization, made a non-apology apology and made claims about being inclusive. Really saved me time to go off having some AMERICAN beers.”

Sources with the group indicate that the group drafted a formal statement they could reuse after the numerous times targeted racial slurs were heard in the Outlaws section with AO members singing, “build a wall, mow my lawn, and the Stole My Sombrero,” songs.

“Look, we need to have some kind of statement ready,” stated one anonymous source. “You never know when someONE and we don’t KNOW if they are a member, but some LONE WOLF UNAFFILIATED PERSON STANDING ADJACENT TO AO hangs a blue line flag and starts shit talking Black Lives Matters. We can’t appear racist even if we seem to attract racist fans like flypaper. It was only a matter of time before our fans ability to hate anyone that even remotely looks Mexican transformed into hating Black Lives Matter.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as AO prepares for the next scandal.

Houston Dynamo Fan Confident That Re-Designed Logo Will Replace Production Of Mauro Manotas

Houston, TX - Houston Dynamo fan Steven Williams stated that he was confident that the newly re-designed Houston Dynamo logo will be able to replace the production of star forward Mauro Manotas who was recently sold to Club Tijuana.

“You watch, they can put that logo on the field and it’ll start banging in the goals,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “This is a lateral move at WORST. We are gonna see some real production from this logo.”

Other Dynamo fans remain concerned that the Dynamo don’t have a real plan to build a competitive roster and will likely cheap out on buying additional players until they become so irrelevant that there are concrete rumors about them moving to New Orleans.

“I can fully believe that they would do this and yet I still can’t believe we are here,” stated Dynamo fan Paul Hernandez. “I guess trying for the wooden spoon is being ambitious in a direction of some kind.”

For his part, Williams stayed positive about the situation as he stated, “Logos are the biggest signing a team can make, it can change the outcome of a season. I don’t have any good examples I just know it’s true. There’s a reason why they called Jerry West the Logo. Just you wait, I’m going with logo for golden boot.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Dynamo consider signing Own Goal to bolster their squad.