Chicago Fire Fan Looks For Terms And Conditions On Fire Till I Die Tattoo

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fan Harry Wilson reportedly spent the afternoon looking through his apartment for the terms and conditions on his Fire Till I Die tattoo he received 10 years ago.

It’s GO time. SCRAMBLE THE MALORT!

“I’m Fire Till I Die, but I’m pretty certain that the contract I signed said if Peter Wilt makes a new team or if I get tired of the team, I can switch to Fire Till I’m Tired,” stated Wilson to The Nutmeg News. “I thought that there was also a clause that says as long as I didn’t have any pictures taken of the tattoo that I could get it covered up or replaced for 50% off by my original tattoo artist.”

Friends say that Wilson has been looking for a reason to leave for nearly every season since he started following the Fire.

“I don’t know why he keeps doing it,” stated good friend Hector Villanueva. “Just go, man. Or don’t. Shit. Just do what I did and go back to watching Cruz Azul.”

In a moment of clarity Wilson stated, “I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t really like the Fire anyway, I just liked complaining. Chicago soccer is just so depressing.”

When asked about if Wilson knew the Chicago Red Stars were pretty successful he said, “they’re too far away.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Wilson gets ready to sign his Chicago NISA fandom on the condition that the logo is good.

Portland Police Offer Wildfire Safe Escort Through City

Portland, OR - Sources within the Portland Police Bureau claim that bureau heads offered the wildfire a safe escort through downtown Portland as officers worked behind the scenes to ensure the rights of the wildfire to burn the city down around the heads of the people who live there.

“They reached out through text messages to the wildfire to ask if they needed any cover or help this week,” stated one source with the PPB. “They are very concerned as many officers have an association with wildfires in some way or another and they want to ensure that the wildfire is taken care of to the best of their ability.”

Portland police officer Lt. Steven Anderson stated that it is, “not uncommon for officers to provide guidance for someone or something to turn themselves in if the subject is not yet present.”

However, activists say this points to a direct link between the police encouraging violent agitation and fire directly in the city.

“It’s not surprising that the Portland Police would do something like this,” stated one person who requested anonymity. “If they aren’t encouraging people to come into the city to fight with the locals they would likely encourage another group to burn it down.”

Sources with the PPB indicate that the bureau officials offered the wildfire the chance to bring guns and non-lethal methods of defense as text messages indicated they would look the other way if the wildfire also decided to mace and shoot the people who work and live in downtown Portland.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the wildfire covers its license plates and puts a blue line Punisher sticker on the side of a burn so the police will, “know whats up.”

Houston Dynamo To Re-Brand As Dynamo Houston

Houston, TX - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Houston Dynamo announced a new re-brand that will shape the team in a more European focused manner as the Houston Dynamo announced a transition to Dynamo Houston.

“We’re excited to create this brand new image for ourselves that’s totally different than what we had before, it’s so exciting.” stated Dynamo Houston owner Gabriel Brener.

It is rumored that the front office mulled over Bayern Houston, 1841 Houston, and the Houston Earthquakes; but the team decided to go with the most radical option as Brenner explained, “We feel this really will help us go in a totally new Eastern Block direction.”

According to the Houston front office, the move from Houston Dynamo to Dynamo Houston is in part due to the shifting nature of the politics of the youth culture they want to attract.

“We feel like more and more kids are drawn to the idea of communism and socialism. Perhaps there’s even a latent desire for a vintage eastern block team,” stated Dynamo Houston and former Houston Dynamo branding manager Kyle Houseman. “We can really use imagery and branding that will pull from the history of Soviet Union and the teams therein.”

Dynamo Houston will reportedly not abandon their Orange identity, but will incorporate traditional Dynamo motifs in terms of graphics.

“Dynamo, of course, comes from the Greek  word dynamis which means power,” stated Dynamo Houston director of etymology Gareth Hughes. “We want to convey the original meaning of the Dynamo Sports Club from the Soviet Union whose group translation meant Power In Motion. So we are going to transition from Wildcatter Orange to POWER IN MOTION Orange brought to you by Chicken Etcetera.”

For his part, the talent scout of Dynamo Houston indicates that he was tasked to start watching illegal streams of Serbian teams instead of the illegal streams of teams from South America that he currently uses to scout.

“We are going to be looking for more Kiki Strunas and fewer Mauro Manotas,” stated head scout and Football Manager save director Stevie Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dynamo Houston debate re-branding to Dinamo Houstyn.

Red Bull New York Fan Finally Takes Responsibility For 12:01 AM January 1, 2020 Tweet Of "WOO! 2020! Bring It On!! What Could Go Wrong!"

NEW YORK - Red Bull fan Philip Henderson finally took responsibility, today, for his 12:01 AM January 1, 2020 Twitter post of, “WOO! 2020! Bring it on!! What could go wrong!”

WELCOME TO HELL!

A tearful Henderson took to a makeshift lectern on his Instagram stories to finally apologize for the tweet that caused the world and the United States to crumble into one disaster after another.

“I admit that I denied my responsibility in all of this when the Coronavirus first hit,” stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News. “But it’s become very clear that my Tweet has completely transformed the United States into a ruinous and unending hellscape from which there is no escape because no country will have us.”

Friends of Henderson state that they do fault him for all of the problems with regards to 2020 as he has now become a meme among their group for everything that is wrong.

“Yeah, we always talk about not wanting to Paul something,” stated friend Stacy Adams. “I heard someone say, ‘don’t put that Paul on me,’ and it really makes sense if you think about it.”

For his part, Henderson stated that he thinks his tweet can hardly claim victory for the removal of Chris Armas as he stated, “well, that was going to happen no matter what.” However, Henderson expressed his sympathies to the west coast for the chaotic fires that are currently devastating the area as he stated, “Just because the president is a racist sociopath doesn’t prohibit me, the og tweet sender, from stating my compassion and love of people in the area. My thoughts and well wishes are with you all and I only wish to retract my original tweet regarding 2020.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson scours Twitter for someone who sent that kind of tweet at 12:00:59

New Record Set As NWSL Player Goes Almost 24 Hours Without An Unbidden And Inappropriate DM Sent To Her On Instagram

Newark, NJ - NWSL player Sharon Engals stated that she has set a new record of going almost 24 hours without an unbidden and inappropriate Direct Message or completely toxic comment sent to her Instagram account.

“It’s a modern day miracle,” stated Engals to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve gotten so used to the terrible messages, photos, harassment and pick up attempts being sent to my DMs and comments that I realized I made it to 23 hours before a man sent me a long winded diatribe regarding me not going keto to my DMs.”

According toe friends, Engals posts pictures from training, her life and adventures to her Instagram account on a regular basis as she updates fans with stories, videos and curated shots.

“She’s a great follow,” stated soccer fan Angela Hughes. “And for an outspoken player her comments only turn toxic every once in a while.”

For her part, Engals says that she’s become numb to the abuse, suggestions and inappropriate comments sent to her as she stated, “that’s exactly why I didn’t even notice when it had been this long. It was crazy to me because I realized that I didn’t dread the notifications icon.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Engals receives a number of enormously toxic replies on a story she posts about the importance of voting.

D.C. United Announce Plan To Use $50,000 Acquired From The Sale Of The Rights To Gonzalo Higuain On A New Sports Drink Flavor

WASHINGTON - D.C. United announced a plan, on Thursday, to use the $50,000 of GAM acquired from the sale of the rights to Gonzalo Higuain on a new sports drink flavor for the team as they looked at switching from Fruit Punch BODYARMOR to Orange Mango.

“We thought that bringing in Orange Mango would be a HUGE boost to this team,” stated D.C. United director of Sports Drinks Pauly Harris. “While some would look at the acquisition of a world class forward as being something that could help out our team, we know, after our recent 1-0 domination of Red Bull, that we are built for success and the only thing holding us back is our Fruit Punch sports drink.”

Fans were reportedly thrilled at the new D.C. United acquisition as they stated, “WHAT THE HELL,” in excitement at the proposition of Ben Olsen’s men signing Orange Mango.

“Good god almighty,” stated one anonymous fan. “We gave up the chance to sign Gonzalo Higuain,” he stated in appreciative excitement for the opportunity to have the team drink a new BODYARMOR flavor.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United use $1,000 oof the $50,000 to sign Ben Olsen to a 10 year contract.

"If The Country Is Imploding, Everyone Hates Everything And Nothing Really Matters Then No One Can Judge Me When I Switch From Rooting For Manchester United To Liverpool This Season"

St Louis, MO - Soccer fan Dale Edwards of St Louis stated, “If the country is imploding, everyone hates everything and nothing really matters then no one can judge me when I switch from rooting for Manchester United to Liverpool this season,” as he replaced his Manchester United scarf with a Liverpool scarf and pulled on a Mohammed Salah kit.

(Image: Offside Sports Photography)

“Words have no meaning, actions are lies, everything we’ve ever grown up with is a con based upon a lie that is ending and every idea is stolen from everyone else so you’ll pardon me if I decide that I’m trading in my vintage Ryan Giggs kit for a vintage Kenny Dalglish kit.”

Friends state that the dissatisfaction with literally everything surrounding him lead Edwards to a bold decision in his sporting life.

“He LEFT the facebook group,” stated Manchester United fan Paul Williams. “WHO DOES THAT?! WHO SWITCHES TEAMS LIKE THIS? ESPECIALLY THESE TEAMS? WHAT THE HELL?”

For his part, Edwards stated, “This is my bag of soup and it feeds my family. Fuck off. I’ll root for whatever I want until I get bored with them and then I’ll throw all their gear into a fire in order to consume more goods in the future. Everything must end, somehow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards pretends like he is going to move to any country anywhere else before realizing he doesn’t have any skills that would allow him to do that in the first place.

Man Fondly Remembers Time When Legend Wasn't Complete Piece Of Shit

Des Moines, IA - Soccer fan Harry Leonard spent part of his day Friday remembering back to the time when his favorite player and team legend wasn't a piece of shit.

"Oh how I do long for the glorious days of yore when I didn't have to know that he was an asshole," stated Leonard to The Nutmeg News. “He used to be cool, real cool like. Instead, now, it is vaguely racist stuff just loose enough to be written off by people who don’t pay attention as trolling even though it isn’t trolling if you constantly do it all the time every single time. I wonder what changed. Or was he thinking these thoughts all along? I don’t know, it’s just tiring.”

Leonard wistfully queued up grainy YouTube highlights as he took a trip back down memory lane before he knew the intimate thoughts of his favorite player.

“Maybe it was because I was 13 and I just needed someone to look at as an idol, but this just cuts me to the bone. I excused it as trolling and being argumentative for so long, but now it’s clear that he is just an egotistical piece of shit. I’m so disappointed.”

Leonard began to cry as he said, “I have all of his jerseys, I wore it to a game once and someone pointed out to me how he sucks as a person now. I screamed that I knew, he’s now a constant reminder of my own ignorance.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Leonard continues his week long debate of whether now is finally the time to block him on social media.

“At Least Our Owner Only Financially And Publicly Supported The Mayor Of Portland Who Ensured My Friends Were Beaten, Tear Gassed, And Shot With Rubber Bullets” States Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Peter Andrew stated that, “At least our owner only financially and publicly supported the mayor of Portland who ensured that my friends were beaten, tear gassed, and shot with rubber bullets,” as he read the recent news about Dell Loy Hansen

“It could be worse, he could be publicly saying the things that owners say behind the scenes, but instead he says all the things I need to hear to keep myself a season ticket holder.”

Andrew stated that he personally knows friends who marched for racial justice downtown only to be gassed by the police as they preemptively declare an unlawful assembly in order to rush in and hit protesters with batons.

“If Merritt Paulson wants to financially support the man whose nickname is Tear Gas Ted then who am I to complain. Look, it’s fine, I bought a water filtration system because the Oregon Department of Environmental Quality is worried that the massive amount of cs gas the police launched downtown has possibly leaked into the watershed. But that’s ok, because the season ticket prices are low and who am I to complain which Mayor the owner of the Timbers supports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrew continues to convince himself that everything is fine every season around season ticket renewal time even if people are being maced from trucks as the police watch on.

"How Could They Do This To Their Daddy," States Shocked Dell Loy Hansen

Salt Lake City, UT - Bathed in the tears of small children that were collected after he evicted their parents, shocked Billionaire real estate mogul Dell Loy Hansen reportedly stated, “how could they do this to their daddy,” when asked about the player strike in Major League Soccer.

“It’s never been harder than RIGHT NOW to be a billionaire old white man,” stated Hansen as he emphatically tapped his ruby evicting cane upon the ground. “Daddy must stand up for himself in the face of wrongdoing. Daddy must do.”

Hansen allegedly detailed his elaborate revenge towards the players who had the audacity to stand up for themselves, their community and their families as he ranted to our reporter about what he would do.

“Daddy will buy ALL of Poplar Grove and turn it into a boutique Louis Vuitton showroom for cats. Daddy will ensure that none of these players ever have the gumption to raise up their heads against Daddy. But … oh NO my friends… Daddy is not done, yet. Daddy is not done by a LARGE margin. Daddy will close down the Salt Lake City borders so THEY can’t leave. Daddy will change the locks on all their dwellings. If Daddy does not own their dwelling, Daddy will buy the land from underneath them so that they can see how useless their opinions are to Daddy. Daddy will send them the most disturbing Tik Tok from his own personal account. Daddy can giveth, but Daddy can CERTAINLY taketh away.”

Allegedly, Hansen then stared at our reporter stating, “Daddy spends all his precious coin money on his children and how do they repay Daddy? Not Playing? For Daddy? They MUST be punished. This is a direct STAB to the heart of daddy. HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO THEIR DADDY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Daddy considers trading a player to Spartak Moscow for a vintage Russian gold coin.

Online Poll Asks Supporters For Next Steps In MLS Black Lives Matter Movement

NEW YORK - An online poll released today is reportedly the next step towards creating a more tolerant league as anonymous executives at their wits end attempt to determine the next steps in Major League Soccer’s Black Lives Matter movement.

“We’re all out of options,” stated our source. “We made tons of videos with black people in them. We made shirts that we don’t really sell, we even told people we cared about black people. We are truly running out of ideas.”

According to our sources, the league decided to determine their next step by reaching out to the fans.

“We sent out a poll to our fans asking them to pick from 5 different options on our next step as a league to fix racism within the country and the league. We sweetened the deal by giving them 5% off an affiliated Fanatics purchase and free shipping if they follow the league account on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube and tag two additional friends who also might like to vote in this poll,” stated one anonymous executive. “We’re just exhausted as MLS executives. You want to fix this stuff, but it keeps happening no matter what you do. This has been a long few months of dealing with this issue and we’re getting tired. The only next step we can think of is calling a majority black town and asking them if they want to pay a $500 million dollar expansion fee so they can have a team. We have been told we should try to be in these … um… areas…um….. anyway. Maybe that’ll help?”

The online poll will allow supporters to be able to choose if the league should make team colored dashikis, a pan African flag with your team logo on it, an MLS team Kwanzaa set, or #MLSisBlack branded tournament gear.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the MLS league office contacts Burna Boy to see if he’ll do the new pregame anthem.

Disaster Strikes As Man Accidentally Wins Supporters' Group Election

Disaster struck for Harry Smith as he found out that he actually won the vice-president position for his local supporters’ group.

What have I done?!

“I didn’t think I would actually win and I really am questioning if I even want to serve anymore,” stated Smith to The Nutmeg News.

Smith stated that he originally thought that running for the supporters group council would allow him to help out, become more involved and share his passion with his fellow fans, but after talking to a number of former council members he realized that he was signing up for all of the behind the scenes drudgery, machinations, and political maneuvering that has all the potential to cause him to fall out of love with his team and fellow fans.

“I put my name in, but … well… despite my misgivings I HAVE to accept now,” stated Smith. “I see these people every single week. I can’t just blow them off.”

Smith, who has a popular online social presence, said that he didn’t understand how he won until he checked the voting numbers and realize that he won after only 120 people voted in the election.

For all his misgivings, Smith stated that he will serve out his two year term and said that he hopes that he will still be friends with everyone when this ends.

“I only hope that I can make it through all this with my love of this team and my friends intact. This whole thing started with the best of intentions, but I just checked my inbox and holy shit… .what a disaster. I honestly don’t think that I really want to know how the sausage is made anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith gets attacked for being a mouthpiece of the supporters group on Twitter.

OPINION: Checkmate Atheists! We Are ALREADY In Hell!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Checkmate Atheists! Despite your long winded attempt to convince everyone that God isn’t real, what you failed to realize is that he is real, and we are already in hell.

How do I know this? I just look around.

As you always say, the burden of proof is on the person making the claim so here’s my proof.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come the Cubs won the world series? Yeah, that was God pushing his concentrated will through the hate ether that envelops hell to manifest a world series victory for the Cubs.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come Leicester won the Premier League? Yeah, that’s right…. it was God again…. he was battling across the wide dimensions, crossed the multidimensional plane, and rode into hell on a white steed with his blade Stormbringer all the while wearing a long flowing beard braided for battle as he gave his blessings onto the foot of Jamie Vardy and the managerial skill of Claudio Ranieri for one glorious season before God was kicked out of our current hellscape for too much meddling.

Look, if we evolved from swamps, how come the pool I haven’t cleaned in 4 years doesn’t have humans crawling out of it? At the very least I would expect an advanced civilization of sentient amoebas.

Without God how would we have the majesty of a bicycle kick, the career of Peter Crouch or the delights of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Without the Devil how would we explain people defending racist cops and white supremacists shooting people?

Yeah, that’s right, without the Devil we would have to take responsibility for the fact that millions upon millions upon millions of Americans are truly awful self absorbed and ignorant people who care about nothing but themselves

So, Checkmate Atheists! Welcome to hell!

Sincerely,

Ty Libby

Chicago Fire Promise Lionel Messi They Won’t Ruin International Legend This Time

CHICAGO - In an effort to woo international superstar Lionel Messi, the Chicago Fire made a promise to the player that they won’t ruin the international legend this time.

“What happened with Schweinsteiger, it was new,” stated Chicago Fire public relations official James Hughes. “We didn’t know what we were doing, clearly. We can learn from that. We promise to value your career and your accomplishments. We promise we won’t move you to goalkeeper without consulting you first.”

“We are going to do everything to acquire and keep him here” said Fire owner Joe Mansueto,” We will treat him like we did Schweinsteiger but even better. He’ll get all the Malort he could drink, and the option for a complimentary upgrade to Business Class on one of our flights to Canada.”

Fire fans were reportedly thrilled with the prospect of Messi to the Fire as they came out in support of the prospect.

When asked if he’d like Messi on the team, Chicago Fire fan Albert Rossiello said “Change the logo. I don’t care. Change the logo!”

“I would love Messi,” said Carl Dabrowski, who made it a point to say he’s been a fan since 1998,” but he’s getting booed if he doesn’t score 3 goals his first game. I’ll do it. I’ll boo him. I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Messi receives a text from Wicky asking if he has ever owned goalkeeper gloves before.

"We’re Not Your Average Supporters' Group,” Says Board Member Of Your Average Supporters Group'

"We're not your average supporters’ group," stated board member Zack Williams of your average supporters’ group. “We watch other supporters’ groups do lame T.I.F.O and chants, but that isn’t our style. We don’t want to imitate them. We step it up to another level by doing everything that the Northern Guard does that the Timbers Army does that St.Pauli does.”

Photo: Paul Sableman

The supporters group formed over a common love of supporters groups at a dive bar called Dive bar which used to be the unofficially official meeting place of the supporters group.

While the Dive Bar dive bar has now closed, it is often remembered in vintage supporters group merchandise that you no longer can purchase.

In a wide ranging interview with The Nutmeg News, Williams illustrated what makes his group stand out.

“Look, nobody likes us and we don’t care, but we do have a number of charity initiatives that gained us some local praise and credit that we don’t like to brag about all the time, but will if necessary,” stated Williams. “We are a collection of socially conscious supporters who believe we should be far left and apolitical supporters who believe we shouldn’t bring politics into the group at all who have a moderately irreverent social media presence that traffics in light banter mixed in with reports on our previously mentioned and expansive charitable endeavors and passionate team entreaties.”

When it comes to membership, Williams was adamant that his group was not founded on exclusion.

“We believe that Black Lives Matter,” stated Williams, “And as soon as one joins our supporters group we will let them know that fact. Some of our members are pushing the team to release a pride kit, and we fully support that effort. We are not exclusive at all and we don’t require a membership; but we do have an inner process that we review for higher functions and responsibilities within the Supporters Group. And you have to be a dues paying member in order run for SG offices or access the exclusive scarf pre-sale or help with the display on Saturday."

When asked about their history with Women in the group, Williams said he never had a negative experience in the group.

“We would absolutely love to have more women in the group. It’s always great having more members. I’ve never experienced a toxic atmosphere at all, personally. We look out for each other like a family. For example, I always warn any women that come into the group about Dave… because… wow.. that guy gets wild sometimes. The best part is that there’s no drama. We just don’t get into drama unless we need to get into drama, and we already addressed all that other drama. I think everyone knows that I’m willing to stand up and accept those faults, but I don’t think I need speak further about that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an informal splinter group forms around the idea taking the supporters section back to their roots.

Five More MLS Teams Take Credit For The Development Of Alphonso Davies

NORTH AMERICA - Representatives with Orlando City SC, the Montreal Impact, the Seattle Sounders, the San Jose Earthquakes, and Sporting Kansas City all took credit for the development of Canadian Champions League winner Alphonso Davies on Monday.

“It was against us that he received his first minute of league play,” stated representatives with Orlando City. “Clearly without this his development never would’ve happened in the first place. You could see his speed from the very start.”

Meanwhile representatives with the San Jose Earthquakes stated, “It was against our team that he had his first Foul Conceded. Clearly without this development he wouldn’t have turned into the premier speedy fullback that he is today.”

In response, the Seattle Sounders claimed enhanced status over other teams as they stated, “It was against our team that he obtained his first assist. Without this his game would suffer and he wouldn’t be a modern fast and speedy fullback. We can clearly see the development that happened with him in our ranks.”

For their part, representatives with Sporting Kansas City claimed a heavy hand in his development as they stated, “It was against our team that he learned to foul in a cynical fashion. Against SKC he was forced to obtain his first yellow card. That in combination with his speed. Just his absolute speed. So Speedy. Much Speed.”

Finally, representatives with the Montreal Impact also claimed their hand in the development of the new Canadian superstar as they stated, “C'est contre nous qu'il a obtenu son premier but. La clé finale de son puzzle. Nous devons tous voir comment nous l'avons aidé pas comme les autres. SPEED. VERY SPEED. SUPER SPEED. MUCH SPEEEEEED. SO SPEED.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more teams figure out ways to tie themselves to Alphonso Davies.

Unleashed Grant Wahl Ready To Drop Diss Track

Sources indicate that an unleashed Grant Wahl, no longer inhibited by writing for Sports Illustrated, is in the studio with Pusha T finishing the next great diss track towards the President of the United States.

“Pusher Tee really helped me get out all my feelings about Trump,” stated Wahl to The Nutmeg News. “I hadn’t heard his songs before, but I did hear he was mean to Drake once and that’s the kind of vitriol I need for this track.”

Wahl spent most of this week setting up his SoundCloud and preparing a few more bars using rhymer.com and Urban Dictionary for his strong words condemning the current administration. “I spent about a week working on rhyming something with malfeasance, but Pusher said to keep it easy so I just realized that I could string out treason and make it fit,” stated Wahl.

“I’m not even sure how he got my number,” Pusha T said candidly,” I’m pretty bored though and I thought that helping out would be funny. I’m still not really sure who this dude is.”

When asked how he thinks the track will go, Pusha T just laughed and went back to his breakfast.

“This is something you definitely do towards the end of your career so I don’t know why he didn’t call Drake.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Wahl calls Pi’erre for the 1000th time asking for a best.

Soccer Fan's Hope For Newborn Son Include Making European Team, Playing For USMNT, And Surviving Rising Sea Levels On A Catamaran Where Clean Water And Food Are The Currency

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Zane Hughes hope for his newborn son Cody reportedly include being healthy, making a European team, playing for the United States Men’s National Team and surviving rising sea levels on a catamaran where clean water and food are the currency.

“I know that there is a chance that soccer or even this country may not exist by the time that he grows up, but I only hope for the best for him,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Maybe it’s the current depression over this pandemic or the ever clicking drumbeat of climate change in the background, but I just hope that he learns out to curl in a free kick and surf down the backside of waves on a beam reach.”

Sources say that Hughes realizes that bringing a child into the world is consigning them to a very uncertain future but he states, “I want to be an optimist in this. Maybe we will figure things out. Maybe, despite all the evidence of the entire existence of humanity trying to screw each other, the human race will actually coalesce into some kind of group of people bigger than the whole. More likely we will need to ensure that he knows how to desalinate water in order to grow vegetables in order to trade for sailcloth and diesel.”

Hughes admits that he’s just going through a six month overall mental and physical depression, right now, but he stated that it’s only fair that he teach his son how to properly execute a rondo drill as well as learning how to repair a yanmar diesel engine while floating between the sunken ruins of Key West and Miami.

“In the end, my dream is an optimistic one even if that means him sailing the seas in loin cloth attempting to find some fabled land at the ends of the earth, and god… maybe I just need to stop watching Waterworld at 1:30 am while he is on the bottle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts to calm his fears by watching The Road followed by The Postman.

Geoff Cameron Blames Obama After Not Receiving RNC Nod

Former American Stoke City player Geoff Cameron reportedly blamed former President Barack Obama after not receiving a speaking nod at the Republican National Convention.

“You spend all your money on All Lives Matter signs, and all your time DMing President Trump macaroni art you made of him putting immigrant children in cages and pretending to not vehemently hate the politics of your fellow black teammates and you find out that you are the 4th choice behind a couple that waved guns at black people? I CAN WAVE GUNS AT BLACK PEOPLE. THIS IS ALL HUSSEIN OBAMA’S FAULT,” stated Cameron, allegedly, to James Woods in an unbidden DM leaked to The Nutmeg News. “I was checking my mailbox all day, even though I think USPS shouldn’t exist, and no invite was there, although this may be an attempt to suppress the opinions of the truthful right. Checked the email I set up purely for Trump campaign emails, nothing. Maybe Yedlin was right, I am betrayed and I don’t know if I can keep representing this country.”

Sources indicate that Cameron was reportedly kept off the RNC list due to the fact that he only liked and responded positively to Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Charlie Kirk, and James Woods tweets and didn’t tweet or post any specific white nationalist QAnon philosophies in the past month.

“If Geoff wants to make the RNC he needs to start advocating for White Nationalism and imprisonment of immigrants in a more overt fashion,” stated RNC director Jefferson Davis. “He can’t keep quarter-stepping his opinions in an effort to maintain his sponsors and teammates.”

Those statements by Mr. Davis didn’t keep Cameron from allegedly blaming, “extreme left agitators, AnTifa, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barack HUSSEIN Obama from keeping me from the podium.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron was reportedly on his way to a “COVID is a liberal hoax to take down the President” rally.

Introvert Longs For Chance To Not Go To Supporters Group Event

NEW YORK - Introvert and soccer fan Phoebe Anderson stated that the pandemic has been so isolating and depressing that she longs for a chance to not go to a supporters group event to which she would be invited.

“I miss turning people down,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I used to get excited about the possibility of the event and then plan my whole week around the anxiety of attending the event and my eventual cancellation. Now I just don’t know what to do.”

Anderson reportedly spent the last few years attending games and finding ways to stay at home for pre-funks, after parties, mid summer social events, watch parties, and banner/T.I.F.O painting parties.

“I really do miss turning down 2 or 3 Facebook invitations, or telling people maybe and then cancelling by text,” stated Anderson. “Now my phone is just filled with text chains of people talking and not doing anything at all. It’s a bit like being in a world of introverts, but we need extroverts just to show us how exhausting becoming emotionally involved in anxiety and the world can be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson creates a group event for herself and 10 other people on Facebook just so she can say that she will attend and then change her status to maybe at 11:30 pm the night before.