D.C. United Announce Plan To Use $50,000 Acquired From The Sale Of The Rights To Gonzalo Higuain On A New Sports Drink Flavor

WASHINGTON - D.C. United announced a plan, on Thursday, to use the $50,000 of GAM acquired from the sale of the rights to Gonzalo Higuain on a new sports drink flavor for the team as they looked at switching from Fruit Punch BODYARMOR to Orange Mango.

“We thought that bringing in Orange Mango would be a HUGE boost to this team,” stated D.C. United director of Sports Drinks Pauly Harris. “While some would look at the acquisition of a world class forward as being something that could help out our team, we know, after our recent 1-0 domination of Red Bull, that we are built for success and the only thing holding us back is our Fruit Punch sports drink.”

Fans were reportedly thrilled at the new D.C. United acquisition as they stated, “WHAT THE HELL,” in excitement at the proposition of Ben Olsen’s men signing Orange Mango.

“Good god almighty,” stated one anonymous fan. “We gave up the chance to sign Gonzalo Higuain,” he stated in appreciative excitement for the opportunity to have the team drink a new BODYARMOR flavor.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as United use $1,000 oof the $50,000 to sign Ben Olsen to a 10 year contract.