CHICAGO - The US Soccer federation, today, released new kits for the month of June designed for the cadre of homophobic bigots that infest Facebook at nearly every level.
"There was a major blowback to the Pride numbers we released, so we realized we were missing a market," stated Cynthia Warren, secretary of the US Soccer Federation. "Clearly some of our fans are homophobic bigots who are so hypersensitive about their own masculinity and beliefs that they feel the need to hate everyone that isn't like them and everything that isn't specifically catered to them. We looked through history for the dress of people who felt the need to persecute others because they were different and settled on a plain white robe adorned with a crest and a hood.. In this way, this Alt-US Soccer Uniform will identify the people who feel the need to make homophobic Facebook comments."
Men's Rights activist and perpetually single dickhead Jim Billy Randall stated that he was all for a, "STRAIGHT US SOCCER UNIFORM FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE," as he railed against the inclusive pride numbers stating, "US Soccer tried to push the gay agenda on me. I reject this. I attend multiple gay nightclubs per month to document their lifestyle, and know for a fact that this gay-uniform-thing is just another way to get me to dance on the dancefloor to the thrumming beats of house music again. NOT EVEN ONCE, again. Finally I'll have something I can wear to these clubs that shows that I am a straight man for straight people."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jim Billy Randall attends drag night just to verify that the makeup and padding is being done in a way that he feels is correct.