ATTENDANCE LIES: English Premier League Will Never Be Respected League Until They Accurately Count Attendance

ENGERLAND -The provincial soccer conglomerate otherwise known as the so called, "Premier League," showed another in a long line of deceptions, today, as Arsenal of London took on some other club from a city to such a small smattering of people that you could, "LITERALLY HAND COUNT FROM A PHOTO!! WHY DO YOU LIE, ENGLAND?"

59,510? LIES! I see One... Two... Three... Four... Five... LIARS!

59,510? LIES! I see One... Two... Three... Four... Five... LIARS!

We spoke to crowd analyst and unemployed Piggly Wiggly grocery bagger Roger Slow about the situation and he had the following to say, in all caps.

"THE PREMIER LEAGUE LIES. THEY INFLATE THEIR ATTENDANCE TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR. THE EPL ATTENDANCE LIES MUST STOP."

Other fans in North America were as apoplectic about the situation as Mr. Slow as conspiracy theorist and all-around weird guy Jacob "Swizzle" Bordens stated, "The lies must come from the top down. That is to say that Sunil Gulati and Don Garber contacted the Queen who contacted Theresa May and told the England FA to count by tickets distributed in order to distract from SUM embezzling money via youth academies set up to stop promotion/relegation which caused the floods in North Carolina. So as you can see, it's all the fault of Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the lies continue from England in an obvious attempt to bolster their faux-standing in a country obsessed by Rugby.