NEW YORK - Operation Crybaby, the New York Cosmos fan outreach program, is reportedly considered a resounding success by the front office as it reached the goal of stimulating fan connections with the Cosmos by threatening the fans personally via ownership and management of the team.
"We looked at threatening and intimidating fans by impersonal manners like contracting with India or call centers in Pakistan," stated Affiliate Club Manager (and man willing to call you because he doesn't like your podcast), Joe Barone. "However, we didn't think this would be the Cosmos way and wouldn't reflect our values. No, the Cosmos are here to insult and threaten our fans directly. In this way we ensure that our core group of fans know, without a shadow of a doubt, how much contempt we have for the fans and their feelings on matters of the ownership/team."
Reportedly, owner Rocco Commisso is thrilled with the outreach program stating, "This will not only keep people from criticizing us; but, rather, this new program will allow The Cosmos to holistically criticize and harangue our own dwindling fanbase with vertical integration. If you aren't happy that the Affiliate Club Manager will call you to tell you that you are a shit fan, then we can run this all the way up the chain. I'm more than willing to take time out of our busy schedule of playing games that don't matter to yell at our fanbase from 6,503 miles away at three o'clock in the morning."
Insider sources with the Cosmos indicate that Commisso has been working on a collection of zingers to punctuate his dissatisfaction with the fans and their podcasts including usage of the words pinhead, wingnut, you kids, and hooligans.
"We won't rest until we run off every podcast, website and fan critical of our product and branding," stated Barone. "I'm not above suing every fan out there. EVERY. FAN. THEY ALL MUST PAY. (seriously, we need the money.)"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Barone angrily calls fans to blame them for not supporting hard enough during the Cosmos disastrous US Open Cup loss against Reading.