Manchester, TN - Soccer Evangelists the country over began their convergence on Bonnaroo to help spread the good word of soccer in your community as they began the arduous task of ministering to the destitute, thirsty, the naked, the drunk and the really high, this weekend
"We are here to inform people about Soccer, the good word of the US Open Cup, the religion of Christian Pulisic, US Soccer Federation division structures, Major League Soccer intricacies and television ratings," stated Brother Thomas Elder of Orlando, Florida. "As a prelate within the North American Orthodox Ecumenical Council of Soccer Worshipers, It is my divine mandate to minister to the hopeless, the dirty, the fringe crop top wearing, and the really high on mushrooms during Major Lazer that Bonnaroo will deliver to our doorstep."
Brother Elder indicated that his tent would be ministering to the lost, the gallant and the disappointed baseball fans among the hordes of sweaty millennials that converge in Manchester to worship at the alter of socially conscious brands. However, he did indicate that expects competition from other Soccer Religions there to also minister to the hopelessly sweaty crowd.
"Our main competition will come from the True American Eastern Orthodox Soccer Worship diocese," stated Elder. "They come every year to spread their message that MLS is a false god who walks among us spreading lies with their vertiginous rules. Their message is one of false hope, of a Twitter where you spend all your time harassing everyone online because they disagree with you. Our belief is that you should only harass everyone who DOES believe with you, so sayeth our Abbot, er Mark Abbot."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a war breaks out between the two factions to be settled via a FIFA tournament in the Mountain Dew Apple Square Cool Zone brought to you by Red Bull and Dominos.