Delusional Man Convinced MLS Playoffs Are Still Ongoing

Denver, CO - Delusional Colorado Rapids fan Paul Munoz continues to insist that the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs are still ongoing despite all evidence to the contrary.

See! The playoffs are REAL!

"Guys, the playoffs are still on! We still have a chance at this," stated Munoz to his Facebook feed on a post that quickly devolved into a political rant from his uncle about entitled millennials protesting. 

Munoz cites evidence that there hasn't yet been a winner of MLS Cup and that teams are still scheduled at some time in the future to play a game, but despite this evidence his friends continue to doubt that there is any soccer left to play.

"Look, if the playoffs were still going on, there would have been a game recently, right?" stated Carlos Hernandez of Littleton. 

"I don't remember going to the stadium for a game, so I'm pretty certain that the season is over," stated Laura Coleman of Broomfield.

Munoz continues to insist, despite the evidence, that there are more games to play as he states, "C'mon guys, the playoffs are a few weeks away. Trust me, a game is going to happen sometime in the next month. I can guarantee that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Munoz forgets which day the Rapids/Sounders playoff game is scheduled for as he agrees to attend a birthday party for his friend Jessica.

Utterly Magnificent T.I.F.O Idea Thought Of After Season Comes To Close

Indianapolis, IN - Indy 11 supporter Nate Sass reportedly had a lightening storm idea for an utterly magnificent T.I.F.O display 2 days after the NASL season ended with Indy 11 falling in penalty kicks to the New York Cosmos.

I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA... It's a bit too late, but it is brilliant!

"Of course... Of COURSE this happens two days after the season ends," stammered Sass to his friends as he delicately laid out the best T.I.F.O idea ever for the 2016 season that just finished. "This is good, this is really great, can you imagine if we had this idea two months ago? Just you wait, if we remember to do this next season it is going to be amazing."

With roughly 137 days until the opening date for the 2017 season, Sass plans on firmly trying to remember his brilliant idea that will lose its relevance the further that he gets away from the 2016 season.

"I just need to keep this idea fresh for 137 more days, and then we can use it. I just can't believe that I didn't think of this til now!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sass becomes distracted by watching the Colts  over the next few months and forgets all about his great idea in 2017.

New York Cosmos Offered Place In PDL After 3rd NASL Championship

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos were reportedly offered a place in the Premier Development League (PDL) by Don Garber after their third NASL Championship in four years on Sunday.

All aboard that freight train that leads to the Michigan Bucks!

"We know that the Cosmos have been trying to make it to Major League Soccer for quite some time," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. "As such, we will give them the opportunity to prove themselves in our development league. If they can show that they can keep up their consistent winning ways... well..and I'm not promising anything here, but we might be able to find a place for them in the USL."

Reportedly, Garber is willing to move on and accept the New York side into the lower tiers of MLS Soccer in order to reward the NASL Club after a previously acrimonious history.

"It's all water under the bridge, at this point. Now if the Cosmos are interested, we can get them a friendly with SW Florida Adrenaline and the Midland/Odessa Sockers to prepare for their opener against the Ocean City Nor'easters."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos issue their response.

Election Finally Convinces Man That US Fans Should Stop Chanting "Mow My Lawn"

Racine, WI - After studiously ignoring the problem for years and, at best, clucking his tongue at the situation, the recent Presidential election has finally convinced USA Soccer fan Nathan Everett that USA fans should consider stopping offensive chants like, "Mow My Lawn" and "Build That Wall", and even the Sombrero Song at Mexico and Latin American teams.

"IT IS FINALLY BACK!"

"This is outrageous!" exclaimed Everett to the internet via all his social media platforms. "I carefully ignored the problem for years and every once in a while chided people on line, but now is the time for me to stand up and ask very politely if the terrible elements in our fanbase will stop with the casual racism."

Reportedly, Everett absolutely knew this was happening repeatedly over the course of the past decade, but he never took time out of his busy schedule playing fantasy football and looking at obscure leagues to follow American players to address the issue. With the recent election, though, Everett was motivated to ensure that THIS is the time he finally addresses the issue.

"We just gotta come together, all of us, we need to be better, to treat each other better, and honestly... there's probably not that many illegals at this game anyway so the jokes will go right over their head."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Everett forgets he ever cared after this game is over.

Washington Spirit Continue To Work Towards A More Patriotic Roster

WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit announced that they were continuing to work towards a more patriotic roster for 2017 as they sever ties with players like Ali Krieger and Christine Nairn.

How many of these players will survive the cull?!

"We decided over the course of the season that our roster wasn't patriotic enough and didn't support our love of the best country on the face of the planet," stated owner Bill Lynch.

"The Washington Spirit is all about great soccer, community involvement, fanatical devotion to the best country ever, standing for the national anthem, and asking our players to not outwardly display their support of LGBTQ causes. As such, it behooves us to ensure that our roster reflects this."

Reportedly, additional cuts to the Spirit lineup may come soon as sources indicate that Crystal Dunn may soon be leaving the Spirit lineup.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Spirit continue gutting their roster.

Desolation Of International Break Offers No Solace For Fan Seeking Distraction In Sports

NEW YORK - Soccer fan Derek Blaylock admitted that the desolation of the international break offered no solace for him as he desperately looked for a distraction from recent world events.

"No, I don't care about World Cup Qualifying. Yes, I'm going to watch the NASL final. That actually sounds pretty great right now."

"I'd love to watch the MLS playoffs right now. I seriously would. I'm not even joking about that," stated Blaylock to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "Hell, I don't even care that my team was knocked out of the playoffs, I'd love to be watching Giovinco against Piatti, as strange as that sounds."

Reportedly, Blaylock even took to watching highlights of New York City FC getting knocked out of the playoffs on MLS Live before realizing this was making him more depressed about the presidential election and the international break.

"USA v Mexico doesn't do anything for me. I don't need bunch of people yelling USA - USA, right now. I just need club soccer back in my life, and I need it now."

According to inside sources, Blaylock is planning on watching the NASL Soccer Bowl 2016 between the Cosmos and Indy 11 this weekend.

"Honestly, I'm excited to watch it and be distracted for 90 minutes. I'm looking forward to it and I never watch NASL games."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Blaylock bides his time by relentlessly surfing twitter and trying to get work done.

Fan Certain That Player Is A Good Guy Based On Twitter And Instagram Feed

Indianapolis, IN - Indy 11 fan Roger Harrison stated that he was absolutely certain that Indy 11 bench player Eduardo Espinosa is a good guy solely based on Espinosa's Twitter and Instagram feed.

"Have you seen that picture of him at White River? He's a really good guy!"

"I can tell you right now that Espinosa is a good guy," stated Harrison confidently to his tattoo artist Brinks Storden. "He's a family man, and seems really invested in the community. He may not be the best player on our team, but he cares. I can guarantee that he cares."

Harrison is basing his opinion solely on 10 pictures taken by Espinosa over the course of the last year and a half that gave Harrison a sliver of a glimpse into the life of the player. Harrison stated that these 10 pictures show him all he needs to know about the bit part bench player.

"Look, What he does with the other 23 hours and 59 minutes in the day when he didn't take this picture is incidental. This picture and this tweet definitely show exactly what kind of person he is, and I think we can all agree that he is a great person, the best. I hope the team keeps him around for a long time. He's definitely locker room glue. You need guys like him. What a player. Look, he plays for us, how could he be bad?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harrison admits that he bases his criticism on how Espinosa plays solely on his level of interaction with Indianapolis landmarks on Instagram.

US Soccer Changes Slogan To "Two Nations - One Team"

CHICAGO - In light of the results of the general election November 8th, 2016, The US Soccer Federation changed their slogan to "Two Nations - One Team" to better reflect the growing discord between the populace.

"We can't honestly say that we are one nation anymore," stated US Soccer Secretary Dan Harrow. "This way we will be able to tailor our message depending on exactly which group we are talking to whether appearing more liberal in our advertisements or more patriotic/jingoistic in our advertisements."

The Two Nations - One Team campaign will reportedly kick off at the highly volatile USA v Mexico game on Friday as fans prepare for the important World Cup Qualifier.

"Look, we wouldn't advertise to someone who was a part of the LGBTQ community the same way we would advertise to someone who hates tthe LGBTQ community. It just doesn't make sense. Instead, we will appeal to the LGBTQ community in one fashion while simultaneously stoking the nativist passions of the rural Republican base. All in all, we think this will better represent our actual nation as it currently exists."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our independent monitors track USA v Mexico.

Philip Anschutz Announces That Proceeds From LA Galaxy Pre-Season Tour Will Pay For California/Mexico Border Wall

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy owner Philip Anschutz today announced that he will be utilizing all the proceeds from the LA Galaxy's 2017 pre-season tour to finish construction of the 140 mile wall between California and Mexico as he stated, "Finally we are going to stop them illegals from taking our jobs."

The Philip Anschutz trophy.

Anschutz, who is a controversial figure for heavily donating to groups that are anti-LGBTQ, stated that he would keep the promise of a new America by it's new President by ensuring that the wall between Mexico and California would be finished on time and with money from the LA Galaxy's pre-season tour.

"We must ensure that we stop the scourge of Illegal's taking our jobs," stated a representative of the Anschutz Entertainment Group after a request was submitted regarding their views on the matter. "Philip Anschutz is as American as apple pie and he, just like you, hates Mexicans sneaking over our borders. We will do everything we can to help President Trump stop the flow of drug addicts and rapists over our borders."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anschutz donates another million dollars to groups that advocate for electro-shock gay conversion therapy.

Columbus Crew Announce White Pride Night For 2017

Columbus, OH - In an effort to reach out to the nearly three million voters who cast votes for Donald Trump in Ohio, the Columbus Crew announced a White Pride night for 2017.

"What kind of last name is Higuain?"

"We realized that we wouldn't be servicing our entire community and filling our stadium unless we reached out to the nearly three million people that voted for Donald Trump in our state," stated Anthony Precourt. "Clearly there's a lot of soccer fans out there in Ohio that believe in White Pride, and we can work with them. We plan on working with our local communities in Lorain and Medina County to have their Klu Klux Klan representatives interface with the Nordecke to get a primer on Columbus Crew soccer." 

Reportedly, current fans of the Crew are apoplectic about this development as many fans we interviewed were outraged but also unwilling to go on the record in fear of reprisals. However, Crew representatives were resolute.

"We must reach across the aisle and be inclusive of all the people in Ohio if we are the peoples club here. It's time to heal our country and have our Racists and Non-Racists fans working together to cheer on soccer. We don't really care what you believe in as long as you buy tickets. It's important to have any Ohio racists be a part of the Crew family."

The Crew Front Office also announced that they would work in collaboration with Stormfront Ohio and the White Knights Of Dayton to have a "Diversity Is White Genocide" T.I.F.O display.

"We must tolerate all viewpoints. Everyone is accepted in the Crew stadium, because they are all brothers in arms here in Ohio."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

NWSL Issues Press Release Stating, "It Is Still, Currently, Illegal To Grab Our Players By The Pussy"

BREAKING NEWS: The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), today, issued a press released stating that, "It is still, currently, federally illegal to grab our players by the pussy or to kiss them without their permission."

The Nutmeg News is able to print the full press release below.

"With the nationwide election of Donald Trump, the National Women's Soccer League needs to clarify that despite his previous comments about his predilection to sexually abuse women, that grabbing our players by the vagina or kissing them without their permission is still not allowed and will be punished under the current statutes. The NWSL will update their rules of player conduct and interaction with the general public when and if these rules change, but please understand that you, the fan or the President of the United States, are still currently prohibited from sexually assaulting our players.

Thank you,

Jeff Plush"

Early Exit Polls Indicate Your Team Sucks

Early exit polls from the 2016 United States general election indicate that your team, specifically, really sucks.

YES, this includes your team.

Data acquired from embedded Nutmeg News reporters at strategic locations in upper Pennsylvania, lower Ohio and Tallahassee indicate that definitively all voters have emerged from the voting booth with the singular thought that your team sucks, and specifically they don't like that player on your team either.

"I could do without your team," stated voter Lance Bangs of Chippewa Falls, WI (a location where we didn't even send anyone but where a reporter of ours was stranded after we refused to pay his per diem to get out of the state). "I don't like them at all. Your team sucks. High scarf sales for my team are leading indicators that your team sucks."

Reportedly, fans were relatively ambivalent about that OTHER team, but they definitely didn't like your team. Over 100% of voters interviewed by our reporters indicated that they specifically don't like any team that recently won a championship, played a playoff game, or represented any city with a vowel in the name.

"Yeah.... I voted, whats your team? Oh, well, it doesn't matter... they suck," stated Mark Burch of Lower Uncton, Ohio. "We all know that these results are rigged by the elites led by Garber himself pulling the strings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our reporters continue to file their stories from the precincts as voting continues.

USL Team Representative's Entire Wardrobe Consists Of Team Branded Clothing

Richmond, VA - Richmond Kickers team representative Wes Olsen came to the recent revelation that his entire wardrobe consists of team branded clothing as he departed the USL Operations  & Sales Summit in San Antonio, TX. 

"Does anyone at this table remember what it was like to NOT wear team branded clothing?"

"I realized that nearly every single piece of clothing that I brought with me was emblazoned with the Kickers logo," stated Olsen to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "Even the other other clothing I brought had team logos on it as well. I even have wind breaker pants with the Kickers logo on it."

Reportedly, Olsen can't remember the last time that he dressed in anything but a Kickers polo with a Kickers jacket and a pair of Adidas that he purchase through the connections with the Kickers.

"It's crazy. My entire closet is nothing but team emblazoned merchandise for the Kickers and the stuff that isn't Kickers clothes are the old company polo shirts that I had left over from my last job. I'm not even certain if I could go to a USL symposium without wearing my Kickers gear. It would stand out too much to just wear a suit!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Olsen cobbles together a pair of Corduroy pants and a t-shirt from Aeropostale as his break day clothing.

Unpatriotic Canadian Soccer Fan Refuses To Vote In US Presidential Election

VANCOUVER - Canadian soccer fan Veronika Maplethorp reportedly posted a joking tweet that she would not be voting in the United States presidential election confounding the thousands of people from the United States that follow her for her quick quips on soccer while remaining completely unaware that she is Canadian despite Maplethorp having this information in her Twitter profile.

"You have WHO running for president?"

"YOU UNPATRIOTIC SHIT! GO AND VOTE," stated @RelegationNOW, a twitter account set up by soccer fan Hank Plasco of Bremerton, WA who was reportedly unaware after a year of following her account that Ms. Maplethorp is actually Canadian.

"It's people like you that give millennials a bad name!" stated @NationalsWADC who started following Ms. Maplethorp because he saw a friend re-tweet her joking post about not voting in the general election.

"Another young person taking advantage of the system, you are a disappointment to this great country and a leech upon the system. My brother did not die in Vietnam for this," stated @Retired1965 who started following Ms. Maplethorp's account in hope of more candid bikini shots from her sun soaked adventure to Aruba.

According to friends, Ms. Maplethorp was very confused that many of her followers were unaware that she was Canadian, but that she was determined to troll those who were slating her for not voting.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Maplethorp photoshops herself into a picture with three ballots, two guns and a picture caption of "DONALD TRUMP, YA'LL".

New England Revolution Fan Excited To Ask Question That Won't Be Answered On Bilello AMA

Waltham, MA - New England Revolution fan Kwame Gregory admitted that he was very excited to ask a question that won't be answered during New England Revolution President Brian Bilello's Ask Me Anything on Reddit, Tuesday.

A golden opportunity to be snubbed.

"It's going to be great, I'm going to hit him right where it hurts only to watch my post get downvoted and Bilello to never answer," stated Gregory to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I don't know whether to ask him about a stadium plan that isn't happening, or Designated Players that they won't be signing, or maybe I can just ask whether they are going to finally fire Jay Heaps."

According to Gregory, this AMA gives him the opportunity to really ask a question that all New England Revolution fans want to see answered but also know that will never be answered because Bilello isn't going to confirm or deny anything really controversial during this AMA.

"There are so many opportunities! I could just ask a really interesting question about how much the ownership of the team actually values the team, and whether they really want to find a way to contribute to building something that isn't just an extra source of income when the Patriots aren't playing. Either way, I'm very excited to be ignored and not have any resolution tomorrow."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gregory forgets what time the AMA is and logs in to find that Bilello answered 5 questions about "the state of the league and who will win MLS cup" before leaving.

"New York Is Green," Claim Proud New York Cosmos As They Prepare For Soccer Bowl in 2700 Capacity Belson Stadium

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos claimed soccer primacy in New York City as they prepare to play Indy Eleven in Soccer Bowl 2016 at 2700 person capacity Belson Stadium on Sunday, November 13th.

2016 Soccer Bowl Venue

The bouncy castle will go right next to the light pole.

"We are premier club in New York City and if there are enough ticket sales for the NASL Championship we will consider expanding the Belson capacity to 5000," stated the Cosmos Press Release.

"As the only New York based soccer club to make it to their championship game we are proud to represent the five boroughs and all the outlying areas of the New York area. We sincerely hope that there is enough interest in the game to sell out and we are offering a buy one get one free for Soccer Bowl to hopefully get a great crowd out to watch the league final."

Reportedly, the Cosmos are excited at the opportunity to once again play in front of their home crowd, albeit at Belson Stadium in Queens instead of their usual stomping grounds at Hofstra University. Insider sources for the Cosmos stated to The Nutmeg News that, "at least there won't be a chance of any multisport markings on the field this time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos try to balance the ticket requests with their investigated bids for what it will take to put in a temporary grandstand and a portable foodcourt with porta potties for Soccer Bowl 2016.

Don Garber Announces Last Chance Playoff Series Featuring RBNY And NYCFC

NEW YORK - With both New York teams and the Los Angeles Galaxy knocked out in the same day as well as two Canadian teams making it to the Eastern Conference finals, Don Garber was reportedly unabashedly furious on Monday morning during a conference call with league executives as he announced his plans for a last chance playoff series that would have the winner face off against the "winner" of MLS Cup for the ultimate bragging rights of the official MLS Cup winner.

We are getting a NYC team into MLS Cup Final even if we have to have two MLS Cup Finals.

"WE DIDN'T MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO GET NYCFC INTO THIS LEAGUE TO BE LEFT WITH COLORADO AND MONTREAL AS A POSSIBLE WINNER," ranted Garber into a stationary speakerphone as he walked around the office tugging on his suspenders and practicing his putting. 

Commissioner Garber then announced his plans to allow Red Bull New York (RBNY) and New York City Football Club (NYCFC) to play against each other in a winner take all advancement game hosted at Giants Stadium to get back in the playoffs and play the winner of the MLS Cup Finals on January 1, 2017 to once and all determine the ACTUAL MLS Cup winner for 2016.

"No fan control, open stadium, no stewards! Come watch the blood in the stands and the passion on the field! ANYTHING GOES!"

Reportedly Garber was exploring every possible means of making the final rounds of playoffs more interesting to the casual fans in the United States which includes possibly working on his earlier plans to annex Ontario, Quebec and British Columbia.

Then, inspiration struck as Garber stated, "I realized that the playoffs are just an artificial construct anyway. So why not have a last chance saloon that allows eliminated teams a chance to get back into the playoffs in the final. It just so happens that it is two NYC teams."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as RBNY and NYCFC get ready for their play-in game.

Theo Epstein Admits, "Even I Couldn't Get The Red Bulls A Championship"

CHICAGO - In a candid interview with Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstien, the World Series winning general manager of both the Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs admitted that even he couldn't get the New York Red Bulls a championship in a collection of remarks on Monday morning.

"Bradley Wright Phillips is great but he is no Aroldis Chapman."

"I broke the streak for both the Cubs and the Red Sox, but I don't think anyone is going to be able to break the curse on the Red Bulls," stated Epstein to The Nutmeg News. "There's some kind of hoodoo, upon voodoo, upon that thing that they do that is just going to be impossible to crack."

Reportedly, Epstein eyed the New York Red Bulls as his next vanity project, but quickly realized that the stuff that haunts them is stronger than Bill Buckner and a Billy Goat. 

"They don't say, 'that's so metro,' for no reason. With the salary cap and rule restrictions in place from the league you would have to be clinically insane to think that you could pull this off."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Red Bull prepare for a championship..... NEXT  year.

Speaking At The Michigan Sport Business Conference, Don Garber Illuminates His Plan For MLS Becoming The Best

Ann Arbor, MI - Speaking at the Michigan Sport Business Conference at the University of Michigan's Stephen M. Ross School of Business, Don Garber stated his foolproof plan to become the best league in the world in 10 years time.

We can be the BEST consumers. The highest consumers. The greatest consumers in the world. Everyone Consume! CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUME -- Is anyone else now reading this as Consommé? Ok, who is hungry now for some soup?

"I know this league, we can make it great, we can make it the best league, it will be a great league, it's a league that is great, and in 10 years time we will be the BEST league," stated Garber to an enraptured collection of nerds.

Reportedly, Garber's detailed fixes for the league were laid out in point blank style as he indicated what Major League Soccer needs to do in order to achieve the best status.

#1 Everyone Stands For The Anthem

Garber stated that everyone will always stand for our national anthem, especially if they aren't American, ESPECIALLY if they are Canadian, because there's absolutely no reason to think about it. Also, Garber advised to drink Budweiser, Heineken and drive an Audi.

#2 Oh Hell NO, on Promotion/Relegation

Garber announced that MLS will lead the world in consumerism, and relegation is counter to that attempt to be the best at consumerism.

#3 E-SPORTS IS THE FUTURE OF MLS.

The Commissioner of Major League Soccer then closed out his remarks with his final statement.

"This is the best, but we can be the best, in 10 years time. Everyone knows we can be the best, so lets be the best, and if we want to say we are the greatest, then we are. NO ONE ASK ABOUT FUCKING MIAMI OR I WILL CUT YOU!

THE BEST!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber leads the crowd in an impromptu version of God Bless America.

Drogba Sightings Continue Unabated In Montreal As Scientists Baffled

MONTREAL - Sightings of the mythical Drobga continued unabated as scientists with the crytpo-zoology department of the Université de Montréal confirmed they were looking into the supposedly non-existent striker.

Disputed footage of a Drogba in his natural kit.

"I saw him in the woods! I SAW HIM IN THE WOODS," yelled Impact midfielder Ignacio Piatti to disbelieving teammates at practice on Thursday. "IT was real. It was really him. I know it."

Expert in crytpo-zoology, Frederic Baker Montroy, indicated that there have even been reports of a roaming Drogba in the city as he states, "It is truly baffling. We've never seen this level of reporting about a man that we consider to be mythical. It would be something if we would see the Drogba in his natural habitat on the soccer field, but other than old rumors of times from long ago, we haven't seen a real Drogba in some time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a man captures grainy footage of a Drogba practicing at Stade Saputo.