Speaking At The Michigan Sport Business Conference, Don Garber Illuminates His Plan For MLS Becoming The Best

Ann Arbor, MI - Speaking at the Michigan Sport Business Conference at the University of Michigan's Stephen M. Ross School of Business, Don Garber stated his foolproof plan to become the best league in the world in 10 years time.

We can be the BEST consumers. The highest consumers. The greatest consumers in the world. Everyone Consume! CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUME -- Is anyone else now reading this as Consommé? Ok, who is hungry now for some soup?

We can be the BEST consumers. The highest consumers. The greatest consumers in the world. Everyone Consume! CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUME CONSUME CONSUME CONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUMECONSUME -- Is anyone else now reading this as Consommé? Ok, who is hungry now for some soup?

"I know this league, we can make it great, we can make it the best league, it will be a great league, it's a league that is great, and in 10 years time we will be the BEST league," stated Garber to an enraptured collection of nerds.

Reportedly, Garber's detailed fixes for the league were laid out in point blank style as he indicated what Major League Soccer needs to do in order to achieve the best status.

#1 Everyone Stands For The Anthem

Garber stated that everyone will always stand for our national anthem, especially if they aren't American, ESPECIALLY if they are Canadian, because there's absolutely no reason to think about it. Also, Garber advised to drink Budweiser, Heineken and drive an Audi.

#2 Oh Hell NO, on Promotion/Relegation

Garber announced that MLS will lead the world in consumerism, and relegation is counter to that attempt to be the best at consumerism.

#3 E-SPORTS IS THE FUTURE OF MLS.

The Commissioner of Major League Soccer then closed out his remarks with his final statement.

"This is the best, but we can be the best, in 10 years time. Everyone knows we can be the best, so lets be the best, and if we want to say we are the greatest, then we are. NO ONE ASK ABOUT FUCKING MIAMI OR I WILL CUT YOU!

 

THE BEST!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber leads the crowd in an impromptu version of God Bless America.