Early Exit Polls Indicate Your Team Sucks

Early exit polls from the 2016 United States general election indicate that your team, specifically, really sucks.

YES, this includes your team.

YES, this includes your team.

Data acquired from embedded Nutmeg News reporters at strategic locations in upper Pennsylvania, lower Ohio and Tallahassee indicate that definitively all voters have emerged from the voting booth with the singular thought that your team sucks, and specifically they don't like that player on your team either.

"I could do without your team," stated voter Lance Bangs of Chippewa Falls, WI (a location where we didn't even send anyone but where a reporter of ours was stranded after we refused to pay his per diem to get out of the state). "I don't like them at all. Your team sucks. High scarf sales for my team are leading indicators that your team sucks."

Reportedly, fans were relatively ambivalent about that OTHER team, but they definitely didn't like your team. Over 100% of voters interviewed by our reporters indicated that they specifically don't like any team that recently won a championship, played a playoff game, or represented any city with a vowel in the name.

"Yeah.... I voted, whats your team? Oh, well, it doesn't matter... they suck," stated Mark Burch of Lower Uncton, Ohio. "We all know that these results are rigged by the elites led by Garber himself pulling the strings."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our reporters continue to file their stories from the precincts as voting continues.