Major League Soccer T.I.F.O Rankings: Week 3

Welcome to the third week of the rest of your life, Major League Soccer fans and fans of teams within this league, fans of other leagues, and fans of international curling that somehow got here. This is the last week before supporters from the USL start blowing you guys out of the water with their technical artistry.

The Nutmeg News has collected and summarized the Top um.... well... the Top something... I mean honestly, people.... there weren't three "best"  T.I.F.O displays for us to take a look at. Anyway, we look, today, at some number greater than one in the league from the supporters groups associated with those teams. I mean honestly... given the options this week, you are lucky to get anything at all.

These rankings are iron clad and fully vested within all states and provinces except for Guam, Puerto Rico, Alberta, and Regina which is not a province, but it is still not valid there, ask the local government why. They are non-negotiable and if you disagree, you are wrong. Having said that, here are the best T.I.F.O displays of the week.

#1 District Ultras - DC United

Summary: Look, any group that does a GWAR T.I.F.O is eventually going to find that it is all downhill from that masterpiece. This T.I.F.O is, um, just.... well... as forgettable as the game was. While the millenials in the office were all distracted by Deadpool, recently, the older folks in the office are wondering whatever happened to the Batusi? You know... Adam West... the Batusi.... Burt Ward? Those were the days, back when there was Bat Shark Repellent and you had people like Cesar Romero playing the Joker, and we used to buy our yogurt for a nickle. Anyway, um... yeah, the theme this week is relatively disappointing T.I.F.O which really includes this column, however the interns only get breakfast if they come up with a few words on stuff like this so you, the reader, are just going to have to suffer.

#2 Sons Of Ben - Philadelphia Union

Summary: There is nothing more ultra than spectacles. Nothing. Especially spectacles on skull face. At least that's what some of us in the office think it is. A number of people thought it was the Wu-Tang symbol. A few others thought it was a modern art interpretation of the balance of weights. Some others thought it was a way to indicate the axle of a train straddling a pivot. At that point, we stopped asking people around the office because we were all bored and we went to have dinner. Neil ordered tacos again, but didn't get soft shell, which is really just awful, and honestly no one knows why he likes hard shell tacos, but they really aren't tacos if they are hard shell. Carol started talking about her time in a convent back in 1984. It was an interesting story, but in reality most of the interns started checking out and posting cat pictures to their private twitter accounts. Somehow, no one really seemed to understand that we were just passing time while waiting for our eventual death, but we just carry on anyway. So, um.... what were we talking about? Oh right, T.I.F.O. Well, in reality this isn't bad, the artistry is there, it's just... um.... forgettable, again.  But look at that bridge. I mean that's some bridge, and the stands in the supporters group section are mostly full, and it's grey but the water is really nice and the Union won and there was a chill in the air. It was March in Chester and we enjoyed the swell of the press box as the stands modestly filled up around the stadium. The energy was low, but it existed despite the best efforts of... wait... um... yeah. T.I.F.O.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Seattle Sounders Fans

Colorado Rapids Roll Out The Red Carpet Walker For Tim Howard

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids have announced that they will be rolling out the red carpet walker for Tim Howard as they welcome the designated player, 2.8 million dollar, 37 year old goal keeper to the team.

"It's important to keep Tim healthy and happy," stated Rapids director of personnel and accounting and scouting and publicity and customer relations and grounds keeping and ticket sales Howard Lowengruber. "At his advancing age, we must ensure that he doesn't twist a hip or injure himself during his arrival to Denver. We must also make sure that he can make his 2 promotional appearances at the Gart Sports on Kalamath. As far as I know we should be good to go for that, but I haven't called them yet to verify."

The Rapids have also confirmed that in order to get full value from Howard's long contract that they have included a Metamucil, Geritol, and Advocare clause in his contract. 

"Tim will be ingesting pure Metamucil, Geritol, and a cherry blossom aura cleansing colonic from Advocare," stated Mr Lowengruber. "We hope that this will keep his vigor tight and his goalkeeping on point as he exhibits his steep decline that brought him to us from Everton."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard realizes what he got himself into when he sees the team play.

Portland Timbers To Auction Off Opportunity To Have Merritt Paulson Tell Fans To Go Fuck Themself

Portland, OR - Fans in Portland are lining up at the new chance offered by the Portland Timbers to have Merritt Paulson tell you to go fuck yourself on your Twitter account, Facebook account, or Via Snapchat. 

YOU can be like this lucky fan!

"What we have here is a limited time opportunity to have the owner of the team you love tell you to go fuck yourself," stated Timbers public relations officer Tom Reinhold. "We are offering Timbers fans a chance to bid on the opportunity for such an offering with all the proceeds being donated back to the public relations team to hire another press secretary to wrangle away the phone of the ownership after a tough game."

Fans of the Timbers are reportedly extremely excited at this opportunity as The Nutmeg News spoke to a number of them on Monday morning.

"I've always wanted an opportunity to have Merritt Paulson tell me to go fuck myself," stated Harry Mathewson. "I've seen a number of lucky Timbers fans that were told to go fuck themselves, but I never thought I would get the chance. I'm planning on bidding high on this opportunity. It really is a dream of mine. Tell me how bad I am! Tell me to go fuck myself!"

While some fans are hoping that the opportunity will go for a low amount, others are preparing for the inevitable.

"I'm taking out a second mortgage," stated Victoria Causwell. "I know Timbers fans and if there is anything they love more than anything it is when fans of the team get told to fuck off by ownership. I know this auction is going to go for a high amount and I'm planning on being the winner. I WILL be told to go fuck myself by the owner of the team I love."

Reportedly, the Timbers Army has started a GoFundMe to raise funds in order to have the official account be told to go fuck itself stating, "Help us raise money to fund our efforts to be told to go fuck ourselves by ownership."

Chicago and Columbus Fans Both Agree To Forget Game Ever Happened

CHICAGO - Fans of both the Chicago Fire and the Columbus Crew agreed to forget that the game they played on Saturday ever happened.

This shot is more entertaining than 99% of the game

"I like 0-0 games. I love 0-0 games. I've seen 0-0 games that entertain the mind and enthrall the soul," stated Chicago Fire fan Thomas Szubaj. "This was not one of them. This was an attempt to play soccer that ended with two equally awful sides trying to kick the ball around each other, unsuccessfully. It was frustration personified. I actually had more fun watching my nephew's u-12 team kicking the ball around on Friday night. This just sucked."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Crew fan Lawrence Steves who had the following to say, "We came. We sang. We conquered. We fell asleep. No one should be happy with that. No one should tell anyone anywhere to watch that. It is done. Let us never speak of this again and get us the hell out of Chicago."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sets of fans try to imagine that they won't see this again a few more times this season.

United States Soccer Fans Bemoan Lack Of "March Madness" Type Tournament

Fans the nation over clamored for something like March Madness but for soccer, as they collectively ignored the US Open Cup as a competition for the 103rd straight year.

Yeah, like this... with brackets and shit... but you know... for soccer.

"If only there was something like the NCAA March Madness tournament for US Soccer," stated Jefferson Branderburg. "Something like the FA Cup in England, but with soccer in the United States."

"God, it would be great," stated Harold Newberg of Bethlehem, PA. "If only there was some way to showcase US Soccer in some kind of knock out tournament. People could glue into their TV and watch the lowest of the low and the highest of the high compete against each other."

The Nutmeg News reached out to the United States Soccer Federation and received the following response, "We are aware of some kind of competition out there, but we don't know, yet, if it is worth advertising and publicizing and putting forth an effort to get the competition on television. We know OF the US Open Cup, but it appears that despite our absolute lack of advertising or publicity in any sense that no one seems to care about it. In fact, our research shows that 1 in 100 people don't know the tournament exists. One could make the argument that this is entirely our fault due to our inability to actually do anything with regards to publicizing and growing the tournament but those people are crazy! The fact that no one knows that the tournament exists is a good enough reason to never show the tournament, because we don't want to show the tournament if no one is watching it. And even if the only way that anyone would know about the tournament would be advertising it, why would we want to do that if no one knows what it is?! It's a very difficult problem to have. We don't want to spend any money on something that isn't going to make money for us right now like a new kit or badge that will directly fill our pockets. In the end, we rely on the tens of fans of the Us Open Cup out there to educate the general population about something that exists as it always has for 103 years."

Despite the completely idiotic manner in which the US Soccer Federation runs the US Open Cup, at least 5 people plan on tuning into the competition with many of them saying, "It's actually really great. Granted you have to watch the games on youtube and have to follow the right websites to even find out the game times, but if you DO all the work yourself it is a completely rewarding experience.

The Nutmeg News will have more on US Soccer on the hope that at some point they collectively pull their own heads out of their own asses and actually start funding initiatives to grow the game locally instead of paying millions of dollars to firms for a logo re-brand.

LA Galaxy Institute "No Shirts No Service" Policy For California Clasico

Carson, CA - The Los Angeles Galaxy announced that they would enforce a "No Shirts, No Service" policy for the upcoming California Clasico game on Saturday against the San Jose Earthquakes, a move that the supporters groups for San Jose claim is designed to keep them from attending.

"Sorry boys, you all have to go."

"As part of our religious ceremony in celebrating the exulted Earthquakes, we remove our sacred garments and present our man-teat to the sun," claimed Stephan Jorgerson, high priest of the Earthquakes San Jose Ultras. "If we are forced to keep our shirts on at all times, it will be a persecution of our religious rights. We remove our shirts in support of the holy goal, the holy sacrament that shows our belief is pure, clean and not at all subject to the taint of the lower California. So say we all, and if you don't, I will punch you in the face."

While the Galaxy admit that they are implementing this new policy of turning away and removing fans for shirtless behavior and being shirtless, primarily because of the San Jose fans antics, they claim they have sufficient enough complaints from their home fans to proceed.

"We have received numerous complaints about the shape and vigor of the male physique being prominently displayed in the away section during this game. We are not sizeist, nor are we body shaming, however we do intend to keep our fans comforts in mind. With that we have instituted a 'no shirts, no service' policy for the entire stadium. This will impact both our own Galaxy fans and the visiting Earthquakes fans to ensure that the policy is fair," stated Galaxy director of public policy Laura Hanover.

In response to the policy, The Earthquakes fans state that they will go shirtless to protest the entire game from the parking lot before returning home to celebrate, without shirts, in the parking lot that surrounds Avaya Stadium.

"It is our god given right to be shirtless, to show our nipples to the sun god who blesses us with such differences from our hated Southern Californian brother. May our nipples remain proud, glorious, independent and protruding in defiance of this law," stated the San Jose Ultras to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

Nike Releases New "Lazy Collection"

Beaverton, OR - Global brand Nike released their new line of international football kits affectionately called the "Lazy Collection"

It's basically the same kit, slightly different, over and over and over again.

"Everyone is going to love our new Lazy Collection," stated Nike director of branding and public relations Howard Carnegie. "It showcases our designers limited ability to do anything different on a large scale and their reliance on just making every single kit look virtually identical."

While Nike has long been seen as a bulwark of conformity, their ability to just make all the teams look virtually the same has shown the entire world that their ability to not do much and charge a lot for it is beyond compare.

"If we wanted to make things that are cutting edge or different we would actually have to spend more money and thought power on design," stated Nike soccer supervisor Dean Pelmot.

"The way we do things it allows one designer with photoshop the ability to just change something like the color of the short sleeves with a paint bucket and then copy in a new federation logo to create a whole new kit. That whole deal only costs us a few dollars and then we can sell the authentic kits for over $100. The Lazy Collection is just fantastic for our bottom line. Being lazy allows us to collect money, not spend it, and charge the customer more. The Lazy Collection! It's great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Nike just decides to release one standard white kit for 10 different teams with a standardized logo for the next international tournament.

Two Games Tells RBNY Fan Everything He Needs To Know About 2016

NEW YORK - Two games played and two games lost have told Russel Pearson everything he needs to know about the 2016 Red Bull New York season.

"THE PLAN ISN'T WORKING, CURTIS!" - Mr Pearson

"We are shit again. I know it and you should know it. We are only going to be shit this season," stated Mr Pearson to his friends at work. 

Despite the minuscule sample size of two games, Mr Pearson has decided to run with a summation of the 2016 season and declare that the team is, in fact, totally shit and will not win anything.

"There's no chance of anything good happening with the remaining 32 games," ranted Mr Pearson to his friend Cliff Houseman. "We are watching the slow, inevitable decline from our glory days and we will eventually return to state of abject misery. I can tell this by the first two games of this season, and I can tell you that we were all wrong in 2015. May god have mercy on our souls."

The Nutmeg News will revisit with Mr Pearson when Red Bull New York go on a 4 game winning streak.

Man Very Upset At Lack Of Rigorous Voting Protocol For Goal Of The Week Vote

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Bradley Hargroves is reportedly very upset at the lack of rigorous voting protocol for the recent goal of the week vote.

Maybe Sporting Kansas City have 40% more fans who just don't care about a meaningless internet award.

"It's almost like this whole thing is a popularity contest," ranted Mr Hargroves to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "I just don't understand how anyone can actually vote for Mr Dwyer when Quincy's goal is just so much better."

Mr Hargroves has stated over and over, "We should be voting for what is actually the goal of the week. All of you fans that only like, follow and vote for your own teams should understand that you are ruining the integrity of this highly subjective, moronic and meaningless award that is really designed only to stir up more interest in the league."

According to friends, the voting pattern has startled the tender soul of Mr Hargroves so much that it has shaken even his political convictions.

"Do people even do this during presidential elections? Do people really just vote for what they know or like over what is clearly the correct and obvious choice? MY GOD IN HEAVEN?! IS THIS WHAT A DEMOCRACY IS REALLY LIKE," stated Mr Hargroves to his Facebook page, a status update which engendered 100 comments, zero likes, and a total unfriend net loss of 5 people who just think he is complete maroon.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hargroves continues posting, "THIS IS NOT WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED FOR OUR ENTIRELY SUBJECTIVE AND IDIOTIC GOAL OF THE WEEK AWARDS."

Andrew Wenger Credits Houston Dynamo Fan For Sterling Play

Houston, TX - Recently acquired Houston Dynamo player Andrew Wenger has credited his fantastic early season form to one fan in particular of the Houston Dynamo.

"That guy that is always yelling where to go and what to do from the stand? Yeah, he has really helped me out this season," stated Wenger to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

Typically, players are loathe to admit they can even hear the fans only crediting a general noise or atmosphere, but Wenger has broken the mold and admitted that Juan Gonzalves of Katy, TX has been extremely influential for Mr. Wenger's play this season.

"I can always hear Juan yelling, 'VAMOS VAMOS VAMOS' and then I know to run or move faster to cover ground. The same way I can hear him yelling 'DERECHA! DERECHA!' if I need to move out to the right or 'Izquierda! IZQUIERDA!' if I need to move or pass to the left. It really has been an education for me and being able to hear his coaching ability from the stands has pushed me to a new level."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Gonzalves about this relationship with Mr. Wenger and he stated that it has been an unusual situation.

"I usually always yell things from the stands as my way of communicating what the players should do, but typically the players ignore my advice. With Andrew, he has really taken my random notions and general exclamations to a whole new level, and I think he is a better player for it. I frequently yell 'shoot.... SHOOOOOOOOOOOT!' during warm ups as well and he takes this advice without question."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Wenger how long he plans to keep taking Mr Gonzalves unsolicited advice and he had the following to say, "Well, I thought about dropping it for a moment during the last game, but I could hear Juan screaming, 'QUE ES ESTO?!... ANDREW... PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS!' and then I realized that I can't let go just yet."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Gonzalves watches tape to prepare some notes that he will subsequently scream at Mr. Wenger during the next home game.

NYCFC Fan Still Waiting To Get Into Stadium For Game Last Sunday

NEW YORK - New York City FC fan Lucas Oswaldes is still waiting in line with more than 200 other  NYCFC fans to try make it into the stadium for the game against the Toronto Football Club that already finished on 3-13-2016

The line for NYCFC fans as of Tuesday the 15th at 1:30 pm waiting to attend the game last Sunday.

Despite knowing that the game was completed with a 2-2 scoreline, Mr. Oswaldes admitted that he is still going to wait to get into the stadium, just to prove a point.

"I know that they changed the ticket policy at the last minute after claiming they weren't going to change anything just last month and they did a generally horrible method of notifying the fan base, but I'm planning on sticking this thing out and making a point of my having to miss three or four days of work to get into the stadium for a game," stated Mr. Oswaldes to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

Reportedly, Mr Oswlades has already been fired from his job after not showing up but that hasn't dampened his passion for showing up the club he just started supporting last season. 

"They are wrong and they know it. This policy and the timing of it was a complete disaster and I hope they feel bad."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Bill Stewart of the New York City FC front office about this policy change and he had the following to say.

"We did have the intention of changing this down the line, but the Yankees told us otherwise, and honestly... money talks. We would care, but we already GOT the money from the people whether they were in the stadium or not. Feel free to complain, but no one here really cares. Next time we will make it even more complicated to get into the stadium and we won't even notify you what you need to bring!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC announces they will only take tickets in the form of a retinal scan with a DNA screen and Urinalysis for their next home game against Orlando City.

Sporting Kansas City Fan Upset With Lack Of Poor Ownership To Complain About

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan David Quincy admitted that he is a bit upset with the fact that he doesn't have anything to complain about regarding the ownership of Sporting Kansas City

"Establishment... Establishment.... I love your onion rings!"

"We are winning, we have a new bar, we have a beautiful stadium, and we have a committed ownership. I can't be against modern football if I'm for all the comforts that modern football brought me. It's quite a dilemma," stated Mr Quincy to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

Reportedly, Mr Quincy has positioned himself as being Against Modern Football for a number of years, but feels that his pursuit of status within that group is now in danger with his acceptance of his current comfortable lifestyle.

"It's hard to be against the establishment when the establishment has given you an MLS cup and two US Open Cups in the past 4 seasons with all the stadium and non stadium items and perks. I'm still planning on hanging an 'Against Modern Football' banner but I'm going to put '(except for our ownership which is pretty great)' in really small text underneath. That way I can cover all my bases."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Quincy reconsiders his stance on pyro in the stadium because the $1 tacos are so damn good at the No Other Pub.

Man Admits He Didn't Get What He Wanted For Crewsmas

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Kerry Oliver admitted that he didn't get what he wanted for Crewsmas on Saturday.

"No presents were left under the Crewsmas tree,

except a Gatorade bottle filled with Pedialyte for three."

"I simply asked for a Lego Crew set, a Crew stunt set with movable Hejduk action figure and CREWcycle that can jump the CREWramp over the light on fire Crew stadium jumbotron, a Nintendo Entertainment System with Nintendo World Cup, and three points," stated a morose Mr Oliver to his girlfriend Sandra on Tuesday. 

Mr Oliver admitted that the usual harmony and discord of Crewsmas was rendered shabby when he thought about all the points left on the table.

"I look forward to Crewsmas every year, and without three points... well.... the arguing, the family drama, the inevitable blow ups against each other, the threat of someone stating, 'fuck this, i'm leaving' before they come back with beer all just rings hollow."

Mr Oliver said that the only thing that would make him feel happy after such a disappointing Crewsmas was to sing his favorite song as he starting singing for our onsite reporter....

"Over E Hudson and past Crestview to Mapfre we will go, with Pipa we sing and Kamara will ring the post with goal upon goal OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Over E Hudson and past Crestview to Mapfre we will go........"

Mr Oliver attempted to finish his song that was gathering steam with his friends when he was interrupted by another group singing 

"Feliz Crewzidad"

And our Nutmeg News reporter left with both groups arguing about which song they should continue singing at the post loss tailgate.

Major League Soccer T.I.F.O Rankings: Week 2

Welcome to the second week of the rest of your life, Major League Soccer fans and fans of teams within this league, fans of other leagues, and fans of the the Purina International Dog show that somehow got here.

The Nutmeg News has collected and summarized the Top 3 best T.I.F.O displays in the league from the supporters groups associated with those teams. Why Top 3? Because there was a sale on kits at Ross and we needed to take advantage for future MEGA KIT GIVEAWAYS (tm).

These rankings are iron clad and fully vested within all states and provinces except for Guam and Alberta. They are non-negotiable and if you disagree, you are wrong. Having said that, here are the best T.I.F.O displays of the week.

#1 New York City FC - Third Rail

Summary: There is nothing better than a philosophical debate espoused by a supporters group in message format, and so the #1 position this week goes to the Third Rail, who asks, "Whose World Is This?" as though it was debating freshman year Immanuel Kant in front of their girlfriend. Honestly, there was no reason to default to Kant when they spent most of the time studying Alexander Gottlieb Baumgarten and his new meaning of aesthetics.

#2 New England Revolution - The Fort

Summary: Enjoying a dabble into a mixed medium T.I.F.O of cut holes, fabric and paint, supporters in The Fort decided they were going to try a new avant garde method of display and painting. Revolution supporters utilized a T.I.F.O display that would show the fragility of life and this ideal resulted in approximately 10,000 holes in the fabric to show directly the delicate composition of life justaposed against the color of ones existence as it flits in and out of the lines of a path. Very new, very different. As well, the juxtaposition of staff and hole indicates that the figure was poking out their own holes in their own painting adding a subsection of life in art in life in art in life in art in life that depicts the utter fecklessness of life, hell, religion and the Vatican. 

#3 Colorado Rapids - Centennial 38/Various

Summary: This T.I.F.O is really just great. It is utterly fantastic at every level. The scope, the painting, the idea, the framing, and the fact that a T.I.F.O display this large can be held up by all 7 of the people in that section. 

DISHONORABLE MENTION: 

This weeks dishonorable mention goes to......

Sporting Kansas City - South Stand SC

Summary:

Drake.

Really?........ REALLY?! 

Drake.

Seriously?

Sigh.

At least we can be certain the millennials were happy. And one could make the argument that appropriating a fan of Toronto FC is some kind of statement, even though SKC weren't playing Toronto. If they WERE playing Toronto FC, then this would be an interesting combination of game and display. Sadly, Sporting Kansas City was not playing Toronto, they were playing Vancouver. Despite the fact that Canadians might be interchangeable between Ontario and British Columbia, there is no argument that Vancouver are actually Toronto FC. The good news is that likely everyone not aged 22 and under was wondering why the guy on the banner was rubbing MLS cup on his ass.

After Devastating Fire, NWSL Teams Raise Awareness... But Won't Raise Salaries For Players

Boyds, MD - After a devastating house fire that robbed NWSL players Tiffany Weimer and Tori Huster of nearly all their possessions, most of the entire sports world including the NWSL and MLS teams that own a scant few of them again shrugged their shoulders and stated, "ah, they should be fine to rebuild their life on their $6,842 salary".

DONATE HERE: https://www.gofundme.com/nwslfirefund

The Nutmeg News interviewed anonymous front office workers across the NWSL to get their viewpoint on the tragedy and they had the following to say.

"Look, its fine for us to tweet about the tragedy, that only takes a few seconds of our time. We might even donate some money, but we will be DAMNED if we raise the minimum salary above $6,842 dollars. Anyone should be able to rebuild their life on 1k per month," stated an anonymous staffer from an east coast NWSL team.

"Donate? Fine. But fuck'em if they think we are going to pay them a living wage. We are talking about women and sports here," stated one MLS team that owns an NWSL team. "If we had our way we would be using even more unpaid amateurs. Do you know what the profit margin is on a team when you don't pay the players and you sell just 5k tickets? AMAZING. Hell, as far as we are concerned, the only women that should be making money are the ones that make money for us. What we say is that we will think about giving you 36k per year if you are willing to pose for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and the body edition of ESPN The Magazine."

The Nutmeg News spoke to an association of Starbucks baristas about the tragedy and they had the following to say, "We tried to get Tiffany to join us here. After all, she would actually have health insurance, a guaranteed wage that far exceeds playing soccer, and the ability to set a decent schedule. As it is, though, all we could guarantee her was part time work when the season was over."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a pizza delivery guy realizes he makes more than Tiffany Weimer and Tori Huster.

Friends Through Soccer Begin Every Conversation With, "Are You Watching?"

Philadelphia, PA - Dave Douglas and Nathan Embry met through standing next to each other at Philadelphia Union games in the Sons Of Ben section. As their friendship blossomed, both friends realized that they now start every in-person conversation or text message during the week with an obligatory, "Are you watching?" referencing the current game of the day.

"Have you watched Tottenham/Arsenal yet?"

"We realized that it has now been 2 years of starting every conversation with an 'are you watching' or 'have you watched' to each other," stated Mr Douglas. "Every weekend it is some other game and another time that we use AYW or HYW as a preface to any conversation. We both value our ability to not spoil the European games that the other might not have the chance to watch immediately."

While Mr Douglas and Mr Embry both make the attempt to ensure that one doesn't spoil any soccer games that the other isn't currently watching or hasn't watched yet, their text messages are a delicate dance of leading phrases and generalized words to ensure that the other has actually watched what the first is currently watching.

"It's important to be considerate of the others schedule," stated Mr Embry. "Sometimes Dave isn't up early to watch the games, so I'll wait a bit and then text him if he is up, followed by a 'are you watching?' If he doesn't respond, I'll wait til the second game and send over a 'Have you watched?' while ensuring that I give enough time between sending the second text message and any other subsequent message to avoid giving the idea that perhaps something amazing happened, as that too would spoil the days games."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this exhausting dance of respectability continues.

Coaches, Players And Writers Agree To Keep Up Post Game Charade

The association of soccer coaches, players and soccer writers in North America agreed, today, to keep up the post game charade of the coach spouting platitudes and the journalist writing them down like they matter.

"JORDAN.... JORDAN... JORDAN... HOW DO YOU FEEL?!"

-- I'm Excited --

JORDAN MORRIS EXCITED FOR SEATTLE SOUNDERS

"I thought we played hard, and we deserved three points," said an anonymous coach to a collection of writers who dutifully wrote these platitudes down as though they actually have some kind of meaning. 

"We just need to stick to fundamentals, really capitalize on our opportunities and dig deep in order to bend but not break and pull out a win next week," he stated into 5 cellphones held around his head as the journalists craned their necks to look for any available food with which to feed themselves before the 2 hour drive home to edit a story about these insightful quotes at 11:30 pm.

The Nutmeg News was able to speak to Philadelphia Picayune reporter David Grant about this situation and he had the following to say, "It's important for sports writers, coaches and players to keep this going in order to keep the sports writers in business. If I didn't have to transcribe another meeting at a training facility stating, 'We had a good practice, the boys are ready for the next game, everyone is feeling very positive' then I don't know what I would do."

In order to get a full perspective on the situation, TNN reporters spoke with players regarding the post game quotes.

"It's important that everyone understands that it we need to dictate the tempo, and that we can't be intimidated about our post game chats," stated the Major League Soccer Players Union. "We have to capitalize on our opportunities for post game interviews, pull out all the stops, and turn up the intensity in order to find a way to stay hungry and leave everything on the field. We have to avoid a big letdown, come together as a team, believe in ourselves and play within ourselves in order to get our big guys involved in the offense and speak plainly on what reporters can do to keep the continuity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Grant keeps "the game was a lot closer than the final score indicates" available for copy/paste into his week one and week two soccer recap stories.

Troll Upset That Twitter Account Isn't Relevant Enough To Be Blocked

Internet troll David Burroughs is particularly upset that the twitter account he set up to abuse players, spread false transfer information and generally be a dick isn't relevant enough to be blocked by anyone.

"I really thought the Balaclava would help me but it is just getting in the way."

"I'm not blocked by Twellman, Lalas, Wahl, Klinsmann, the other Lalas, Heineman, Paulson.... no one," stated a morose Burroughs to his friends on Wednesday afternoon. 

"I can't be a troll if I'm not offensive and relevant enough to be blocked by semi-famous people who find my tweets offensive. If I'm not a troll, what am I? Just a simple twitter user? Hell No!"

While Burroughs attempted to tweet offensive things at Freddy Adu, even Adu took it in stride saying, "Ah, that's sweet..... at least he is trying" before he logged off twitter without blocking Burroughs.

"WHO OR WHAT DO I HAVE TO OFFEND TO BE BLOCKED," Mr. Burroughs shouted on his twitter account to his extensive follower list which includes 22 Ukrainian porn bots, Mr. Burroughs friend Wendy, Brad Davis and Mr Burroughs mother, Darla, who was quoted as saying, "oh, David is such a sweet boy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Burroughs starts talking about promotion and relegation in an effort to step up his game.

Supporter Afraid That Returning Voice Is Evidence He Didn't Sing Hard Enough

NEW YORK - Red Bull fan Henry Zorn has confirmed that he is disappointed that his voice is returning to normal levels on Wednesday after attending the Toronto v Red Bull game in the South Ward on Sunday.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?! CAN YOU FEEL ME?! 

"How can I say that I'm a true fan if my voice returns by Wednesday," moaned a desperate Zorn to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday morning. 

"My friends will know that I didn't give me all for the team, and that level of commitment is unacceptable."

Mr. Zorn indicated that his friends Denarius Howard and Jason Bradford both still have only low range in their voices and that their high range hasn't returned confirming his theory that he didn't give enough of himself on Sunday.

"This is not a good thing. I shouldn't be able to sing, I should still be croaking when I talk. I started to realize there was a problem when I could hit some higher range notes as I was listening to Adele in my apartment getting ready for work this morning. Imagine my horror, a supporter in a supporters group, when I can sing and talk normally by Wednesday. I'll never live this down."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Zorn tries to blow out his voice in excess on the 19th against the Houston Dynamo.

Woman Gets Out In Front Of Alex Morgan Story Backlash With Preemptive PreLash

Gary, IN - United States soccer fan and budding journalist Mary Hartford took time out of her busy schedule to get out in front of the brewing backlash to the Stars and Stripes FC story on Alex Morgan with a preemptive PreLash.

May Carli Lloyd have mercy on your souls,  you brave people.

"It was important for me to acknowledge the backlash to the story before it even existed," said Ms Hartford. "I find that if we deal with some preemptive PreLash towards the backlash, it allows all of us non-obsessive but yet still fully passionate people about 30 to 45 minutes of hilarity before the depressing reality of the cult of personality surrounding United States Women's players kicks in. I plan on making fun of these obsessive fans while also dabbling in some self deprecating humor."

While Ms. Hartford admitted that it seems a bit odd to head something off at the pass that doesn't exist yet she stated that it was only natural as a coping mechanism.

"The crazy is strong, out there. I don't know what it is, but there is a superhuman effort at an almost cult like obsession of the individual, micro details about many United States Women's team members that is well over the line of unhealthy," stated Ms Hartford to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday.

"Honestly, this single minded obsession with the international game over anything else allows the establishment to devalue the women's club game and pay their players unlivable wages for an entire season of work. These obsessive fans are saying that they only want to devote eyeballs and dollars towards the top 11 players in the United States and really only the top three of those 11. All that does is exacerbate the divide between the top 11 and the great players on the cusp who can't make the international squads and are working two jobs to make ends meet."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Hartford checks the responses to the story before turning off social media for the rest of the day.