We Will Never Be A True Soccer Nation Til Our Half-Man Half-Dog Mutants Play In Europe

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Jeff McKenzie of Red Deer, AB. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. McKenzie do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

To Whom It May Concern:

Canada will never be a true soccer nation until our half-man half-dog mutants play in Europe instead of settling for local provincial soccer clubs like Ottawa and Montreal.

Wash the taste of ambition off your tongue, lad!

We are a nation of millions and yet time and time again the Canadian mentality is to have our sentient man/dog hybrids playing locally. This madness must stop. How can the half-man half-dog hybrid begin to grow if he can't play at a proper training facility in England while romping around the fire hydrants and the organic scents of the English countryside.

This nation could be the greatest in the Americas if we finally committed the full resources of our training facilities and youth man/dog soccer programs to ensure that our man/dog mutant hybrids are pushed to European soccer facilities. 

Instead we are left with the waste from Ottawa which deems playing for your local club as good enough. WELL I'M SORRY.... BUT IT ISN'T. 

A new Canada and a bold Canada means pushing our dogman midfielders, strikers and defenders into unfamiliar dog parks and pitches of the world.

Up the Mighty Maple Leaf and let's see a new generation of genetically modified dogmen that can take on the best players in the world in soccer.

Yours in correspondence and my apologies about the length of the letter,

Jeff McKenzie

Red Deer, Alberta

Long Form Soccer Masterpiece Needs To Lose 1500 Words For Info-graphic

NEW YORK - A long form soccer masterpiece written by Carla Gutierrez about the shared soccer and political ties between the United States and Mexico was reportedly cut from 2500 words to 1000 words in order for the publishers of CORNER KICK magazine to squeeze in a really uninteresting info-graphic about David Beckham's hair, over the years.

THIS IS AMAZING AND TOTALLY WORTH GUTTING HER STORY

"I'm not even remotely certain what I can cut," stated Ms. Gutierrez about the well researched and personally funded piece that intertwines the heart breaking, the informational and the comedic. "Everything in this piece ties to everything. This is going to destroy the story. I'm going to start losing the pace and emphasis of the piece just so they can talk about Beckham's cornrows."

The editors of CORNER KICK stated, "we appreciate the dedication that Carla put into this piece, but we really think this info-graphic is funny, space is limited and we need to ensure that the work of our great photoshoppers is rewarded."

Ms. Gutierrez already started an attempt to cut words from the piece while tearfully shaking her head at the preposterous last minute cut by her publishers. "I just don't understand how they could do this, but I don't have any other options. At least they haven't cut the amount they are paying for this piece. I need the $65 to pay for my cat's veterinary bill."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when CORNER KICK offers Ms. Gutierrez the option of cutting her piece down to 750 words if they publish the 1000 word story version on their website.

ESPY Party Spins Out Of Control As Soccer's Biggest Night Takes Shape

NEW YORK - An ESPY party run by soccer fan Katherine Shwartz is, reportedly, currently spinning out of control as soccer's biggest night begins to take shape in the Queens apartment jammed with eager fans.

Will Ronaldo win for Best Abs? Will Messi win for Best Kiss? Will anyone ever actually give a flying fuck about this?

"THIS AWARD SHOW IS LIT," stated Real Madrid fan Kevin George. "Everyone wants to know who will win the ESPY for best soccer colonoscopy broadcast in 4K resolution as a tie in to a sponsorship deal as originally broadcast by ESPN."

Fans the world over are tuning into the network in droves in order see the C-list celebrities and bored athletes who couldn't find a reason to not get dressed up for something that is just so insanely meaningless and insignificant that it should be taken behind a barn somewhere and put out of its misery.

"It's the ESPYs," stated soccer fan Liam Smith-Barstow. "I've waited the entire year for this to come back on! I've started an ESPY pool, at work. I've even contacted each and every one of my friends about watching, who for some reason didn't respond back to me. This is probably because they are all at their own ESPY parties. ESPY! ESPY! ESPY! ESPY!"

The Nutmeg News will not have anything else on this. Seriously. We had to be talked into this one in the first place by the writer of this piece and even this disclaimer feels like a cop out.

241 Years Of National Pride At Stake, For Local Man, As United States Takes On Martinique

Topeka, KS - The entire 241 years of national pride are, reportedly, at stake for a local man from Topeka as the United States takes on the island of Martinique in the semi-annual revenue builder... er... Gold Cup, tonight.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there.

"IF THE U-NITED STATES DOES NOT WIN TONIGHT I WILL BE ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED AND OUR COUNTRY WILL FALL INTO OMBLIVIAN," screamed an already intoxicated Ryan Nelson of Topeka through an American flag bandana and vintage WW2 M1 helmet (custom painted with a busty woman astride a bomb holding an American flag delivering freedom) that Nelson acquired from a local Army/Navy supply store.

"THIS MATCH MEANS EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. THIS IS WHAT OUR COUNTRY NEEDS RIGHT NOW. WE NEED TO BEAT UP ON AN ISLAND OF 386,486 IN ORDER TO ASSERT OUR SUPERIORITY AND GET BACK TO BEING THE MORAL CENTER OF THE WORLD, IN GOD WE TRUST."

Nelson is reportedly so excited for the upcoming match that his Facebook feed this morning read like something from a propaganda film as he took the best scenes of Mel Gibson running in slow motion from the movie "The Patriot" and liberally posted them over and over and over again to an irritated group of followers.

"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, WE WILL STOMP A MUDHOLE IN THIS MARTINIQUEANS AND SEND THEM BACK TO THEIR 3RD WORLD COUNTRY WITHOUT ANY POINTS," screamed Nelson in an all-caps update on his Facebook wall.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nelson is given a last warning from his job at Jiffy Lube for not showing up to his scheduled shift.

Soccer News Organization Hits It Big As PR Firm Offers $40 For Post On Their Site

Senior editors with soccer news website The Nutmeg News indicate that they finally hit it big as nascent public relations firm Impermanent Relations offered up to $40 for a "guest post" on their website.

"We were just about to shut the website down after burning through all of our initial angel investment on high quality north Illinois ether," stated Nutmeg News reporter, fixer and bare knuckle boxing expert William "Buck" Huey.

WE HIT IT BIG! CARVE UP THE BIG HAM-LIKE MEAT SUBSTITUTE!

"I told the staff to prepare for the long layoff down the river to the Starbucks, but after getting this new opportunity for $40 whole dollars, we are going to fire everything back up again and put a load of blotter acid on credit from the Silk Road darknet."

Nutmeg News staff indicate that the new investment came at the right time as recently the free food in the break room was pared down from pop-tarts and quarts of whiskey to a singular unrolled Smarty candy and some recycled chicory from the coffee maker.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we introduce our new writer from Triple Canopy, Inc. in a series of somewhat soccer related posts about why fighting the global war for control of the arms trade in the Sudan is best done without any kind government oversight.

Introvert Struggling To Cope With Hugging Stranger After Goal

San Jose, CA - Jake Edwards, a San Jose Earthquakes fan and admitted introvert, stated by email that he was internally struggling to cope with hugging a complete stranger after the second Chris Wondolowski goal during yesterday's US Open Cup match against the LA Galaxy.

"It was during the goal refractory period," stated Edwards from his anonymous email account CylonAndOnAndOn1337@excite.com. "I felt terrible that I hugged this complete stranger next to me in celebration. I couldn't stop thinking whether he thought it was too awkward, or if I was too sweaty, or if he hadn't wanted to hug, or if possibly I needed to buy him a beer now."

Edwards is well known, within his circle of friends, for overthinking even the most common situation although his guild leader @darksoulspunymortal states that he is taking this situation to new levels as Edwards recently chatted about the hugging situation during a Hearthstone tavern brawl they played this morning. 

Edwards email continued by summarizing his current level of near agoraphobic terror with the Earthquakes crowd as he wrote, "I continued to wonder if I was supposed to have a conversation with him now, or if I was just supposed to stand there watching the game, and then I thought of whether I should invite him to my D&D party next weekend, but honestly he didn't look like the kind of guy who would be into D&D and that was because he was wearing a t-shirt that just had Levi's written on it and I cant decide if I want to try to make a new friend now because I'm really just trying to finish these 5 books that I bought from Prime in order to make my subscription worth the effort and look I don't even know what his name is, but I thought that I probably should have asked THAT back before I was hugging him, and that the moment had already passed and now it was just going to be awkward so I really just thought about leaving my seats and hanging out in the concourse so I didn't have to think about it again."

Our reporters reached out to Nathan Carson, the fan that Edwards hugged, about the exchange and he stated the following, "Yeah! That game was sick, everyone was having so much fun. I was wasted. Good game, man. Hella great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards continues to debate about the proper hugging protocol for the next game that he attends provided that his allergies aren't acting up again next month and you really never know if someone actually wants to hug you or if that even makes them your friend.

8 Cathedrals Of World Soccer That Would Be Improved With Increased Usage Of "Who Let The Dogs Out"

Too many of our places of holy soccer worship are dead atmospheres with people singing and trying to get involved. Soccer teams should easily be able replace that caustic din with more timely and family friendly usage of, "Who Let The Dogs Out," and, "Jock Jams IV". 

As such, here is the list of 8 Cathedrals Of World Soccer that would be improved with increased usage of, "Who Let The Dogs Out."

#1 La Bombanera

Who needs T.I.F.O and confetti if you have Gary Glitter singing Rock And Roll Part 2.

#2 Old Trafford

The reason they let Rooney go was to use his contract money to purchase the rights to "Whoomp There It Is" by Tag Team.

#3 Allianz Arena

Enough with that continental affectation of 7 Nation Army. What you need are more songs from the back catalog of Trick Daddy blasted through your speakers so loud that no one can even carry a conversation even if they are standing next to you.

#4 Signal Iduna Park

They wouldn't need to work on T.I.F.O so much if they had a better pre-game DJ. Someone that can really mix the old school like Tiffany with the new school like Demi Lovato.

#5 Anfield

We like to imagine this cavern echoing with the throbbing passion of Sean Paul songs from 15 years ago.

#6 Santiago Bernabéu Stadium

You may think that Ronaldo and company are entertaining, but that's mostly because you haven't watched a pre-planned failed Kiss cam that tries to go viral so everyone will talk about Madridistas being funny because they had this guy get popcorn thrown on his head after he didn't get a kiss.

#7 Camp Nou

Camp Nou? More like Camp Old, if they don't get with the program and start turning up the music louder. We need more songs from Foreigner and Bread played at 4000000 decibels before they do a giveaway for 10% off a carwash.

#8 Estádio Municipal de Braga

They need to clear out all that Rock for some ROCK N ROLL and a jumbotron scoreboard. Maybe they could fill that silly space with some luxury suites where they could all laugh as a millionaire tries to do the chicken dance before they turn back to their cold, stale hotdog and wonder when their wife is going to leave them.

Referee To Blame For Team Loss As Well As Man's Divorce, Lost Job, And STD

Houston, TX - Esteban Dominguez announced, on Tuesday, that he was blaming referee Oscar Moncada for El Salvador's loss as well as Dominguez's recent divorce, lost job and STD as he railed against the Honduran referee's performance in the recent Mexico v El Salvador Gold Cup game.

"AND THIS IS WHY PAULINA LEFT YOU, ESTEBAN.

"Moncada is the reason for the El Salvador loss, and my divorce, and my lost job..... and I'm pretty sure that he is somehow responsible for that STD that I got from Isela," stated Dominguez to The Nutmeg News. "The way he called the game was complete travesty and I'm very certain that his style of refereeing not only cost Los Cuscatlecos the game, but my livelihood."

Desperate to blame anyone but himself and his team for their current predicaments, Dominguez went on a long winded rant against Moncada on his Facebook page that was liked by only 5 people, 4 of which didn't read past the first sentence.

"See, my friends agree with me and they all say that Moncada is to blame for the loss, and my crippling gonorrhea. At least five people know the truth, and I'm sure that more people will like this when they finally get around to reading the truth."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Dominguez's friends ignore another one of his nonsensical rants.

New Study Shows That Most MLS Teams Are One South American Playmaker Away From Being Competent

A new study by The Des Moines Institute indicates that nearly all teams in Major League Soccer are one South American playmaker away from being competent.

Like this guy, back in the day.

"It's truly amazing. It appears that nearly every team in the league just needs to acquire a playmaker from Argentina, Chile, Brazil or Ecuador in order to become immediately competent," stated director of statistics and numerology, Jan Stephans. "We aren't talking winning MLS Cup, mind you. What we mean is that your team, in most cases, won't suck as bad. We did a number of case studies with teams that have acquired a #10 style player from South America and most of them increased their chances of making the playoffs by at least 2000%. We are checking our numbers with a calculator to ensure that this is even possible, but it looks like it is true."

Fans across the league state that this just confirms their theory that all they need is more offense and that a playmaking midfielder from Argentina or Colombia or Columbia will fix all their ails in order to challenge for the 5th position in their respective conference.

"I knew IT!" stated Bill Evans of Minneapolis, Minnesota. "I knew that a playmaker is what we are missing. We need a true #10 from Argentina. I KNEW IT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all teams in the league try to scour South America and the cheaper parts of Europe for more offense in order to win every game 6-5.

 

Female Referee Strives For Equality With Male Referees By Being Booed For Incompetence Not Gender

Professional Referee Organization member, Angela Gutierrez, admitted that she longed for the day when she would be booed at a soccer game for making the wrong call and not booed just for being a woman.  

Bless you, referees. Bless you all for bearing our anger.

"I live in hope that when I incorrectly make an offside call that the boos and yells from the fans in the stadium will shower down upon me without misogynistic remarks," stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. "I believe that some day, when I call a foul, that fans will see competence or gross incompetence, or really anything to do with refereeing that has nothing to do with my gender."

The target of slurs and inappropriate statements over the years, Gutierrez admitted that she has a very thick skin when it comes to fan harassment. However, the 32 year old native of Oakland stated that she, "dreams of equality with her male counterparts in terms of the hate levied upon us after a game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Gutierrez makes a foul call in an NWSL game and revels in the massive boos and jeers that come in without any prejudice.

"It's Gotta Be A Liberal Conspiracy Against Christian White People Why I'm Not Starting For The First Team"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

To Whom It May Concern:

I must announce a vast LIBERAL conspiracy against God fearing WHITE MALE Americans, the end result of which is ME not starting for the first team.  I've been on the bench, recently, for the second team and the only reason why that could possibly be the case is that there is a conspiracy against me and my kind.

See how sad I am? SEE HOW SAD I AM?!

ME, of all people... ME! I've gone to the best schools, played on the best teams, I've ignored the best teachers, I've ignored any sense of empathy towards anyone disadvantaged that doesn't look like me. My family didn't participate in pay for play just to have me idly sitting on the bench in the USL. HECK NO. My parents didn't raise me to see discrimination against me everywhere to just watch as we lose 9-0 when I should be starting for the first team. Also, It's MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT HAPPY KWANZAA, STARBUCKS! 

Honestly, I should be starting for the first team, not this USL scrub bunch. The only way to ensure equality for the Christian White Man is to ensure that we get everything we want all the time, like back in the 1940's. Remember those times? I remember reading about them online at storm tracking forums and they seemed pretty great because we told everyone what to do all the time and there wasn't any back talk. 

Anyway, we must work to take down the liberal conspiracy against Christian white people and ensure my rightful place starting on the first team.

Thanks,

Anonymous in Los Angeles

Newly Minted Red Bull New York Fan Promises To Be Caught Up On All Inside Jokes By End Of Season

NEW YORK - Newly minted Red Bull New York fan Andrew Edwards promised that he will catch up on all the inside jokes ever made by Metrostars and Red Bull fans by the end of the 2017 season.

"I've been in the dark when people make jokes about players, songs, and events in the past," stated Edwards to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "No More! I'm going to diligently study Big Soccer, Metro Fanatic, Twitter, and any listserv I can find on the internet archive and talk to everyone that I can so that I can learn all the horrible, horrible things that made this fanbase come up with these jokes as coping mechanisms in the first place."

Reportedly, the item that sent Edwards over the edge was a joke made about "The Plan", a reference to the 300 page plan by former Red Bull sporting director Ali Curtis, an event that happened 2 years and 6 months ago.

"I wasn't around for The Plan, so I ended up looking like an idiot when I asked about it," stated Edwards. "So this time I plan on knowing about The Plan, all the former Metro songs, and any jokes made about Lothar Matthaus who apparently was some guy from like 17 years ago? I don't know, but I'm going to find out and get back to you on that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Edwards realizes that there is no way in hell he will ever absorb enough to have all the inside joke knowledge at the ready.

 

Depressed Revolution Fan Spent Last 12 Hours Asking Rhetorical Questions On Twitter

Needham, MA - Depressed Revolution fan Hank Villanueva reportedly spent the last 12 hours asking rhetorical questions on Twitter after the Revolution lost to the Philadelphia Union 3-0 on Sunday.

Whatever I said against Toronto also applies against Philadelphia.

"When are the Revolution going to fix this problem," asked Villaneuva despite knowing that the answer was never. "When are they going to fire Heaps? When are they going to put someone in charge of acquiring players that knows what they are doing," ranted Villanueva even though he knew that the team would do neither of the things he asked.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Villanueva about his recent Twitter storm and he explained, "I just need to rant. I know the answers to all the questions I'm asking and that makes it even more depressing. THIS IS WHY TWITTER IS THE 7th LEVEL OF HELL. Why the hell do I keep doing this to myself? No wonder this team doesn't have any growth in the local community."

Friends of Mr. Villanueva stated that they tried to cheer him up but that he kept looking at the schedule and muttering about going back out to Foxborough again because, "I have to see this through."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution start winning again at some point, and a numb Hank Villanueva tries to become excited about the possibility of backing into a wild card playoff position.