241 Years Of National Pride At Stake, For Local Man, As United States Takes On Martinique

Topeka, KS - The entire 241 years of national pride are, reportedly, at stake for a local man from Topeka as the United States takes on the island of Martinique in the semi-annual revenue builder... er... Gold Cup, tonight.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight there.

"IF THE U-NITED STATES DOES NOT WIN TONIGHT I WILL BE ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED AND OUR COUNTRY WILL FALL INTO OMBLIVIAN," screamed an already intoxicated Ryan Nelson of Topeka through an American flag bandana and vintage WW2 M1 helmet (custom painted with a busty woman astride a bomb holding an American flag delivering freedom) that Nelson acquired from a local Army/Navy supply store.

"THIS MATCH MEANS EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. THIS IS WHAT OUR COUNTRY NEEDS RIGHT NOW. WE NEED TO BEAT UP ON AN ISLAND OF 386,486 IN ORDER TO ASSERT OUR SUPERIORITY AND GET BACK TO BEING THE MORAL CENTER OF THE WORLD, IN GOD WE TRUST."

Nelson is reportedly so excited for the upcoming match that his Facebook feed this morning read like something from a propaganda film as he took the best scenes of Mel Gibson running in slow motion from the movie "The Patriot" and liberally posted them over and over and over again to an irritated group of followers.

"AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, WE WILL STOMP A MUDHOLE IN THIS MARTINIQUEANS AND SEND THEM BACK TO THEIR 3RD WORLD COUNTRY WITHOUT ANY POINTS," screamed Nelson in an all-caps update on his Facebook wall.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nelson is given a last warning from his job at Jiffy Lube for not showing up to his scheduled shift.