Shitposters, Meme-lords And The Chronically Online Declare Week Long Armistice To Focus Hatred On Inter Miami

Shitposters, Meme-Lords, and the chronically online stated that they were going to put down the Gimp projects and multi-thread posts they are working upon to form a temporary armistice to combat a common enemy as they collectedly focused their hatred on Inter Miami.

“This aggression cannot stand,” stated the newly formed coalition of online keyboard warriors. “We must focus on defeating our common enemy before we turn our cannons back on each other for the 2026 season.”

Sources say that the détente was mediated behind the scenes by a hidden supporters council headed by the last remaining relative of Colonel Sanders who currently sits on the Supporters Council as an independent observer.

“The Colonel brought us together to form a life pact to defend the motherland against the Inter Miami invaders, the league Public Relations staff and their god lord Lionel Messi.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as cracks in the newly formed alliance show after an inadvertent shit post regarding travelling Whitecaps fans is found on a subreddit.

US Legends Assure Travelling Soccer Fans That World Cup 2026 Will Be Safe As Long As You Don't Look Mexican, Aren't Too Ethnic, Aren't From Haiti And Are Very Wealthy

UNITED STATES - A collection of United States legends tasked by the US Soccer Federation and President Donald Trump stated that World Cup 2026 will be safe for travelling fans as long as you don’t look Mexican, aren’t too ethnic, aren’t from Haiti and are very wealthy.

“The United States is a welcoming cultural melting pot for anyone who has a net worth over 2 to 3 million dollars,” stated Alexi Lalas in a new promotional spot airing on European television stations. “If you fit the parameters of being wealthy and you don’t look Mexican, and you aren’t from Haiti, and you aren’t too ethnic…. we welcome you to World Cup 2026.”

Sources say that the effort to show that the United States was a welcoming country was directly targeted at the recent negative publicity of the United States forcibly incarcerating and deporting anyone who looks Mexican, is poor, or just might be questionably ethnic enough for being detained before they put you back on a rural road 2 miles from the city center and keep the cash that was in your wallet.

“World Cup 2026 is going to be a blast, provided you meet the qualifications for entry and can afford to travel and stay here and purchase the visas and purchase the unaffordable tickets and don’t get picked up by ICE and get disappeared somewhere,” stated one US Soccer representative.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer increases their promotions.

General Managers Announce Plan To Step Back And Let Coaches Take The Blame This Offseason

General Managers of soccer teams across the nation announced their plan, today, to step back and let coaches take the blame as the Major League Soccer offseason began with a flurry.

“It’s important to differentiate between the poor effort you see every week and the work that I do which is largely misunderstood by the vast amount of fans out there,” stated one General Manager who has been with his team for 10 years. “I think that the next coach we hire this season will understand the players he is taking on from poor ownership, bad trades and terrible contracts over the years.”

Sources say that fans did their part as they immediately took to social media to blame the coach and the players for their poor play and the end of the season.

“The only way out of this is to fire the coach that has been here for 2 years,” stated one fan.

“Frankly I think that our players didn’t perform up to specifications for the 5th year in a row,” stated one fan. “However, I think that the coach has a lot to do with that. We should probably give this general manager who hasn’t won a single thing in his entire lifetime another 5 or 10 years to try to get it together.”

Sources say that supporters groups joined the fray as eliminated groups clamored for the ownership groups to fire the manager and buy new players.

“No one knows anything about what our GM does, and I see our coach trying and failing every week so he needs to go,” stated one Supporters Group member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the GM of your team sits back for another year of mediocre trades, poor acquisitions and great job security.

FIFA Announces New AI World Cup Ticket Program That Will Cancel Tickets If Purchasers Are Critical Of Charlie Kirk Or President Trump Online

INTERNET - FIFA, the international money laundering organization, announced today that they will be using a new AI World Cup Ticket Program that will cancel tickets to the 2026 World cup if purchasers are found making negative comments about Charlie Kirk or Presidnt Trump online.

“We are doing this in conjunction with an executive order by the White House,” stated FIFA. “This is part of our attempt to ensure that the environment at the 2026 World Cup will be secure and filled with the right kind of people.”

Sources say that the technology will be constantly monitoring any and all social media for any critical comments of Charlie Kirk or President Donald Trump and instantly cancelling the tickets of the user.

“We have a way to ensure that we can tie social media activity to the purchaser of the tickets regardless of online alias,” stated one AI technician. “And if we end up with a few mistakes, well, that’s just the way it goes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

NWSL Commissioner Announces That Her Investigation Into The NWSL Commissioner Shows No Wrongdoing By NWSL Commissioner

Jessica Berman, the current National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) Commissioner, announced today that her investigation into herself showed no wrongdoing by herself as she claimed that she was vindicated for all of her recent actions.

“My investigation into myself shows that I did nothing wrong in threatening fines against the Kansas City Current over heat procedures that put fans and players at risk,” stated Berman. “I think that it shows that I acted correctly and appropriately to threaten to the team to play because of all the money that we might lose.”

Sources say that Berman was incensed that the teams would take into consideration the state of the fans and players as she stated, “WHO WILL CARE ABOUT THE SPONSORS AND THE BROADCAST WINDOW? SCREW THE FANS? WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY1”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Berman blames the liberal media.

Shocking Admission As Commissioner Of MLS Reveals That Approximately 28 People Are Watching CF Montreal Games On Apple TV

Austin, TX - At a packed press conference in the wake of Major League Soccer’s board of governors meeting earlier, Commissioner Don Garber revealed that approximately 28 people are watching CF Montreal games on Apple TV.

Q2 Stadium. (REUTER)

Stating, “we felt we needed to share more information,” Garber indicated that 12 to 28 people on average are watching CF Montreal games as they play out the rest of the 2025 season.

“A special shoutout to Martin V,” stated Garber to the collected press. “He’s one of the few who have actually watched every single game. We see you and we appreciate you.”

Sources say that the usually tight lipped commissioner felt that he needed to push back on the nobody is watching rumors by illustrating that, in fact, dozens of people were watching.

“These are strong numbers for Montreal and we feel like they are trending up,” state Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Montreal institutes another rebrand.

FIFA Announces President Trump As 2025 Club World Cup Champion

FIFA (the international criminal and money laundering organization) announced, today, that it awarded United States President Donald Trump the official 2025 Club World Cup Champion.

“Glorious leader President Trump defeated the merciless communist team from Paris,” stated the communique sent out to the press. "All hail the achievements of the President.”

Sources say that President Trump had the Club World Cup trophy taken to the White House to be used as a McFlurry Fountain for an upcoming state dinner.

“President Trump scored 6 goals and gave up none against PSG,” stated the official communication. “He was awarded the Golden Ball and the Golden Shoe. He also won the Gold Cup and will get a bye in the first round of the World Cup.”

The Nutmeg News hails the exploits of the Glorious Leader.

President Trump Announces 30% Tariff On Cascadia

WASHINGTON - Speaking with journalists at a $500 a ticket press conference, President Donald Trump announced that the Cascadia bio-region would be hit with a 30% tariff.

“The numbers are very bad, very bad,” stated President Trump. “You will see them later. They rob us. It’s disgusting. There’s still room for a deal. They will make a deal or we will raise tariffs again.”

Sources say that President Trump was told that this is actually already a part of the United States and this just furthered his resolve.

“All they do is take, they take and they take. It’s time for Cascadia to pay their fair share,” stated President Trump into the face of a bored bathroom attendant. “If they want American trucks and American goods, they will pay.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the administration announces that Cascadia may need a regime change.

Journalists Baffled Why Game With Expensive Tickets Scheduled On Tuesday At 3PM After 3 Day Holiday Weekend Between Two Non Local Clubs For A Non-Prestigious Trophy Isn't Sold Out

INTERNET - Journalists across sports were, reportedly, baffled why a game with expensive tickets scheduled on a Tuesday at 3pm after a 3 day holiday weekend between two non-local clubs for a non-prestigious trophy isn’t sold out as they posted pictures to social media.

“It doesn’t look good,” stated the journalist who didn’t have to pay for their ticket or take time off work to be at the game. ”It’s really not a great sign of the standing of the sport in this country.”

Sources say that the amount of people who actually did show up at 3 PM on a Tuesday is actually pretty amazing when you factor in that virtually no one in the United States actually gives a flying shit about the club world cup.

“It’s a testament to how these brands have built their fanbases that this stadium isn’t completely empty,” stated one researcher. “Frankly I’m disappointed there are this many people here in the first place.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer journalists write another think piece about what this means for the World Cup.

Ebullient Alexi Lalas Screams At AI Chat Bot To Find Ethnicity And Birthplace Of Starting USMNT Lineup In Order To Figure Out Who To Criticize

INTERNET - An ebullient and ecstatic Alexi Lalas reportedly screamed at the microphone prompt of an AI chat bot to find the ethnicity and birthplace of the USMNT starting lineup in order to figure out exactly who he would blame for their loss to Mexico.

“I NEED CONTENT,” stated Lalas into an AI chatbot. “TELL ME THE COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND GENETIC MAKEUP OF THESE BUMS.”

Sources say that Lalas reportedly took to his social media accounts to schedule a, “What are we all angry about today,” post for tomorrow before attempting to soft pedal a birther conspiracy about United States players to his followers.

“You just can’t trust people who don’t understand what it means to be American,” stated the former shit defender and even worse general manager.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Drone Crashes USMNT Camp As Alexi Lalas Attempts To Spy On, "DEI Hires Who Aren't Playing Hard For The Flag"

ST. LOUIS - Witnesses say that a drone piloted by former soccer pundit and current, “THE KIDS ARE TOO DIVERSE,” grumpy idiot Alexi Lalas crashed the recent USMNT Gold Cup practice as the former mediocre defenseman attempted to spy on, “DEI hires who aren’t playing hard for the flag.”

Sources with the USMNT say that they noticed the drone was hovering over the field of play blasting Lee Greenwoods “God Bless The USA”.

“We tracked the drone operation to a furtive Alexi Lalas,” stated one USMNT staff member.

According to insiders, Lalas was in the process of using the drone speaker to ask players for their citizenship papers and genealogy records.

“He kept blasting out questions like whether the players felt bad for denying native born sons the chance to play for the team,” stated one insider. “The thing that I find weird is that he only seemed to be doing this to certain players who look certain way.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lalas says and does more incredibly, profoundly stupid things that completely destroy any remaining legacy that he had left.

ICE Farm Team Successfully Hogties And Assaults Soccer Fans At Chicago Fire MLS Game

CHICAGO - The Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) farm team in Chicago successfully hogtied and assaulted fans at a recent Chicago Fire Major League Soccer (MLS) game as the security officials were excited for the possibility of a promotion up to the big leagues.

If you need to have fans beaten into submission! CALL TODAY

“I think we showed that we can beat people up and abduct them at a major league level,” stated one Monterrey Security Official. “We are excited for the possibility of beating up and abducting people in the streets and the stands.”

Sources say that the promotion of members of the Monterrey Security Team is not guaranteed as, reportedly, they broke opsec rules by discussing how to gin up charges against the fans they assaulted in front of other fans.

“Monterrey needs to know that first you beat up, punch, hogtie fans…. THEN you assault people filming the arrest and THEN you remove them from the area and retreat to a secure area to talk about what you are going to charge them with. This was clearly a rookie mistake,” stated one ICE security staff member.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Monterrey starts threatening to send Fire fans to Guantanamo Bay.

President Trump Offers Juventus Team The Option To Abduct And Imprison Any Democrat Senator They Want

WASHINGTON - During a visit to the White House with President Donald Trump, players from Juventus were reportedly given the option to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator they wanted.

“It’s a good time,” stated the President Of The United States. “Almost as good as bombing Iran. But not like men dressing as women dressing as men dressing as women in sport and the price of eggs going down to 30 kopeks a whistle”

Sources say that the Juventus team were given a full tour of the White House and the offer to abduct and imprison any Democrat Senator was offered to them by the President himself at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office.

“First he said we could flip a coin and decide if someone lived or died,” stated one anonymous player. “Then he said that we could just ask to have anyone on the left thrown in jail. It was wild.”

For his part, President Trump decried the rumor as, “fear mongering by desperate leftists communists who are trying to implement sharia law in autoparts stores and make all Americans vegan transgender activists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gio Reyna asks if the offer still stands for non Juventus players.

German World Cup Team Prepares For United States Games By Training For Tear Gas Exposure

GERMANY - The German Men’s World Cup Team is reportedly preparing for games in the United States by training for tear gas exposure and police violence as their coaches put together a plan to ensure that they won’t be surprised.

“We saw the recent video of football being played in gas during a game in Washington,” stated one German insider. “It seems prudent for our players to understand how to play through the exposure to these every day American things.”

Sources say that the team has imported American police officers and ICE goon squads to randomly launch tear gas cannisters and less-lethal munitions at players as they try to play out of the back.

“We actually had to ask them to hold back at the beginning as the people we brought in from the United States gleefully and repeatedly launched gas at our players and lined them up for shots from their non-lethal munitions,” stated our insider. “It was important for us to step into this little by little, but nothing we did calmed down the people we brought in. Unfortunately, some of our youth team were detained for not presenting paperwork and disturbing the peace as they practiced a rondo on the sidelines. We are still working to free them from a prison in Dallas.”

The Nutmeg News has more on this as this happens.

God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans

LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to the multitude of prayers regarding the 2026 World Cup by USMNT (United States Men’s National Team) fans.

“I was going to intervene in the campaign of terror against people who have been praying to me since they were born,” stated God in an exclusive interview. “However, I’m still busy with the prayers of Steve Bixby from Raleigh, North Carolina who prayed for a winning lottery ticket, a new Harley Davidson, and the USMNT to not embarrass themselves in the 2026 World Cup.”

Sources say that the amount of prayers by USMNT fans over the past year have increased to the point where God, the almighty, is unable to keep up with the demand.

“Ok, sure, yes, I’d love to be helping out the Gutierrez family with their needs as they are forcibly abducted off the streets of Los Angeles…….. But I really need to address this prayer by Steve Henderson to have Pulisic be healthy and interested in the team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the God logjam continues in perpetuity.

American Outlaws Announce Partnership With ICE To Ensure 2026 World Cup Supporters Section Is For Americans Only

NEBRASKA - The United States Men’s Soccer Team (USMNT) supporters group American Outlaws announced a partnership with Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to ensure that their 2026 World Cup supporters section would be for Americans only.

“We are working in conjunction with Washington D.C. to ensure that only Americans support the USMNT,” stated one AO bro in a “back to back world war champs” t-shirt, American flag shorts and a ben franklin hat with thin blue line patch. “This world cup is about American values and American soccer. What better way to support the boys on the field than making certain that we keep out the dangerous elements and immigrants in our supporters section.”

Sources say that ICE will have a presence in the stands and the concourse to enforce English only mandates as AO leadership stated, “This isn’t about Politics. This is about complying with the mandates from Washington. We aren’t about politics. American Outlaws, ICE and DOGE ain’t nothing to fuck with!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens.

LAFC Coach Steve Cherundolo Announces Plan To Chase American Dream Of Leaving Country

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles Football Club head coach Steve Cherundolo announced, today, that he would be leaving the Major League Soccer (MLS) side to chase the American dream of leaving the country.

By Jeollo von http://www.vfb-exklusiv.de - Own work, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=66041225

“I am in the position to do it and frankly it’s been a long time coming,” stated Cherundolo to club officials, allegeldy.

Sources say that 8 in 10 Americans have the dream of living somewhere else, but find themselves unable to do so because of finances, citizenship status or current situation. This information, reportedly, was one of the driving factors for Cherundolo to head back to Germany.

“I don’t think that anyone out there would fault me for taking my family back to Germany at this time in history,” stated Cherundolo to The Nutmeg News. “I will miss the fans tremendously but …. c’mon… just look around.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as you look up your ancestry only to find out that you don’t have a path to living in Tuscany next year no matter what you keep saying.

Joey Saputo Threatens Remaining Montreal Fans With Paying Attention To Team Again

MONTREAL - Owner/Operator of the Club de Foot Montréal, Joey Saputo, threatened the remaining Montreal fans who care about the team with paying attention to the team again.

ALL SEEING, ALL KNOWING

“Just wait, I’ll change the name of the team again and fire a few more head coaches,” stated Saputo to the fans who have, despite all his incompetent meddling, stuck with the team over the years.

Sources say that Saputo realized there was more to be squeezed out of the MLS side as he hadn’t been paying full attention for the past few seasons.

“I think we could fire 3 or 4 coaches a SEASON,” stated Saputo to The Nutmeg News. “I think we could put grazing Bison in the field of play during the game as an extra challenge, have the bell play as goalkeeper and have a fan ride an center back for a halftime competition. I think we could change the name to the Montreal Maple Leafs. All things are on the table.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Saputo turns his eye upon the lands of Quebec.