Soccer Fan Shocked As Chatroom For Illegal Online Premier League Stream Doesn't Have Any Racism

INTERNET - Soccer fan Jarrod Williams stated that he was completely shocked as the chatroom he logged into for an illegal online Premier League stream from the past weekend didn’t have any racism, sexism or blatant homophobia.

“I thought that it wasn’t working for a second,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “But then someone asked a question about the Brighton score and someone else responded without using a racial slur. It was completely baffling.”

Sources say that Williams claims to have logged into the only chat room that wasn’t a heaving pile of racist shit, this weekend, as researchers with the Guilloite Advanced Research Group (GARP) indicated his luck.

“We survey hundreds of chat rooms,” stated one baffled researcher. “In all of them it was what appears to be 13 year old kids typing racist words to 24 year old men responding with racist and homophobic slurs. The fact that Williams claims he found one is questionable at best.”

Sources with GARP say that Williams is being brought in for a cerebral scan to indicate whether he has any brain issues that would make him think this was the case.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams claims that he was able to click on a stream without getting 46 popups, 26 porn advertisements and 13 download attempts to his computer as researchers find a severe brain tumor in his frontal lobe.

In An Effort To Catch Up To Liga MX, Major League Soccer Mandates That Mexican Teams Use MLS Roster Rules During Leagues Cup

NEW YORK - In an effort to catch up to Liga MX after an abysmal performance in the CONCACAF Champions Cup, Major League Soccer (MLS) mandated that Mexican teams in the Leagues Cup be forced to use MLS roster rules.

“Teams like Tigres, Cruz Azul, Monterrey and Club America will be required to adhere to roster rules that we use here in Major League Soccer,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “They will only be allowed 3 designated players, and will be required to ensure that they are salary cap compliant.”

Sources say that Monterrey and Club America are already complaining about the 2024 Salary Budget of $5,470,000 as they attempt to figure out how to reconfigure their salary structure to ensure compliance.

“It’s like they are trying to figure out a way to intentionally make it possible to field a decent team,” stated one anonymous Liga MX owner. “There’s no way to actually have a roster capable of playing well with U-22 initiative slots and GAM/TAM.”

MLS sources were adamant that this was the way forward, for the competition, as they stated, “The only way to catch up to Liga MX is to ensure they actually go in reverse. We need to make certain they can’t actually spend money on players. Then and only then can we compete with them day in and day out.”

The nutmeg news will have more on this as Monterrey still manages to beat Inter Miami.

Claiming to Have Gained “Second Sight”, Caleb Porter Guarantees Revolution Will Win Supporter’s Shield, MLS Cup, Leagues Cup, Champions’ Cup & Club World Cup

FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS – Mired in a then-winless season, New England Revolution’s coach Caleb Porter made a bold prediction prior to last weekend’s match against Charlotte FC – promising not only that the Revolution would get a result, but would outright beat Charlotte. This guarantee was made despite the team’s then 0-4-1 record, league-worst -7 goal differential, and immediately following a 4-0 drubbing at home by Liga MX side Club América in the CONCACAF Champion’s Cup. Porter’s guarantee ultimately held up, as the Revolution were able to hold on to a 1-0 victory gained by a Carles Gil goal scored during an unusually-long first half injury time. 

THE LISAN al GAIB!

During press availability at the Revolution’s training facilities outside of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, Porter announced that he had been “gifted with second sight” and that “the entire path of the Revolution’s future journey was revealed to me in a vision,” after the Charlotte win. He continued by stating he saw “as clear as I saw the moon passing before the sun today, that the Revolution will have world-historic results from this point out.” Porter then stated that he had gained “metaphysical certainty” that the Revolution would win MLS’s 2024 Supporter’s Shield – given to the team with the best overall record – 2024 MLS Cup, 2024 League’s Cup – the in-season tournament between MLS & Liga MX teams – as well as the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup – the continental competition of North American club soccer – and even the 2026 Club World Cup – the world-wide club competition to which the 2025 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup winner is invited. 

Asked by a member of the press pool covering the Revolution whether it was realistic for a team with a current 1-4-1 record – and who have been in all likelihood already been eliminated from 2024 CONCACAF Champion’s Cup before playing their next game – to achieve such lofty goals, Porter forcefully argued that not only were such results achievable, but were “mandated by the movement of the spheres, and I can see with absolute clarity through the lens of my third eye.” Requests to Porter for further elaboration on this prediction were met by undecipherable gibberish intermingled with what appeared to be repetitively-incanted mantra. 

After the press availability, The Nutmeg News reached out to the Revolution’s press department to see if the club could provide any more clarity on Porter’s statements and predictions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one press office official stated “backing up last week’s guarantee, together with something that happened during the [recent solar] eclipse, seems to have affected Porter in some profound way.”  

The official went on to say “it might have something to do with those knock-off eclipse glasses we bought off of Amazon; Caleb used those and seemed to spend an unusually long time looking at the eclipse. Shortly after that, his personality seems to have completely changed.” 

Revolution officials are said to be “monitoring closely” Porter’s current behavior, and have indicated if continued unrealistic predictions and unusual statements by Porter continue, it may “call for a rethink of our current coaching leadership to something more stable.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Revolution management – including owner Robert Kraft – make overtures about the possibility of bringing in the “steady hand” of former Revolution coach Bruce Arena. 

Earthquakes Fan Stares Directly At Eclipse So They Have An Excuse To Not Watch The Rest Of The Season

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Salvador Hernandez stated that he was pretty certain his extreme treatment worked as he stared directly at the eclipse without glasses of any kind so that he would have the excuse to not watch the rest of the season.

“It’s nice to finally have an excuse to not be able to watch the team,” stated Hernandez to The Nutmeg News. “Before I was blinded by the Sun’s powerful rays I couldn’t stop myself from watching this shit show every week, but now I have an actual excuse. I NO LONGER CAN SEE!”

Doctors say that Hernandez sight will return with care and treatment, however, Hernandez stated, “Well, we will see about that,” as he ripped off his bandages and tried to stare back up again.

“Mr Hernandez hasn’t suffered any long term damage and we expect him to be in tip top shape to watch the Earthquakes in time for the Summer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends catch Hernandez raging at the radio broadcast instead.

"SCHMETZER OUT" Posts Furious Sounders Fan To Social Media As He Fumes Over Teams Inability To Score Six Goals

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Brett Eastings reportedly posted “SCHMETZER OUT” to every single social media platform he had as he fumed and castigated the team for being unable to score six goals as they defeated the Montreal Impact, or Club De Foot Montreal, or Saputo’s Fighting Force Five, whatever it is these days, 5-0.

“This is just utter bullshit,” stated Eastings to Twitter and the comments section of Sounders At Heart. “This team should’ve hung six goals AT A BARE MINIMUM. They had a red card! It’s absolutely inexcusable.”

Sources say that Eastings has repeatedly called for the sacking of former Sounders player and current head coach Brian Schmetzer since the end of the 2022 season.

“He’s been pretty adamant that the game has passed Schmetzer by,” stated friend Jason Prentice. “I don’t really pay attention to it because I just had to mute him for mental health sake on Reddit and Twitter and Facebook.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eastings threatens to bring a two-pole to the next home game if he can find a ticket and the time off from work and if he can find parking downtown and if he doesn’t have to go to Ikea for some reason or possibly out to Bremerton.

Gen-Z Savings Account Is Now Just A Closet Full Of Vintage Soccer Kits

LOS ANGELES - Gen-Z soccer fan David Hughes announced that his savings account is now just a closet full of soccer kits as he explained that he would fund his retirement with vintage and rare Forward Madison kits.

“I’ve got some real bangers in there,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been searching vintage sites, and second hand stores and online shops for a while to build out what I think will be a good retirement path in the future.”

With his 401k devastated by market movement, a super charged housing market, most of his extra money going towards exorbitant rent, and unending student loan repayment, Hughes stated that he realized his only option was trying to hitch his financial future towards some kind of rarity market.

“A lot of my friends invested in Yu Gi Oh cards and rare Pokeman. I had some friends that really got into investing in POG futures. One friend got into creating Warhammer figurines and selling them online. Another tried to get into the sneaker game but the loan he took out to finance his initial purchases made all his future sales not as profitable. I figured that my way forward was to purchase vintage and lower league soccer kits for the time when everyone gets nostalgic over them in 20 or 30 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts and fails to fund a first and last payment on an apartment closer to his job by selling a game worn Totti kit on ebay.

Miami United Players Blame Translator Ippei Mizuhara For Bets On Team

MIAMI - Accusing translator Ippei Mizhuara of, “massive theft'“, allegedly tied to gambling, Miami United players stated that the Japanese/English translator Mizuhara was to blame for the US Open Cup bets on the team.

“No, he is not an official employee of Miami United,” stated one anonymous player. “However, we feel that right now is the time to blame Mizuhara for all of this.”

Gaming officials indicate that, allegedly, some Miami United players were caught betting on their own US Open Cup game. However, those in the know decry this as a misunderstanding of the situation.

“They were told by Mizuhara that he placed 4 million dollars in an ATM for them at the Hard Rock casino,” stated one source. “Mizuhara didn’t say where he got the money from but in order to access it they had to go, ‘place a bet.’ It was really a code word to access the money.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pete Rose releases a video calling the Miami United players trailblazers on a new frontier.


Soccer Supporter Settles Into Familiar Springtime Routine Of Arguing With Complete Strangers Online

Seattle, WA - Sounders supporter Andrew Adams stated that it felt really nice as he settled into his familiar springtime routine of arguing with complete strangers online about the results and team.

“It’s a comforting feeling,” stated Adams to The Nutmeg News. “It’s like daffodils blooming or opening up the windows to clean the house. I went from talking mostly about extended universe Star Wars plots to spending last night on Twitter calling this guy who just started following me a complete fucking idiot. I don’t know who he is or where he lives, but I hope he had a bad night. You know, that alone makes me think about the changing of the seasons and the movement of time. Ah spring, the time of renewal.”

Sources say that Adams took to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Discord to rant about the team as he saved Reddit for the morning.

“I like to be confrontational for breakfast,” stated Adams. “It’s something I’ve built into my seasonal renaissance. With the loss, it makes it nice and easy to really get into it with some of the dumbasses I see online.”

Sources say that Adams seemed especially chipper as he Tweeted, “Time for some spring cleaning,” as he blocked several ECS members that he never met in real life.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Adams transitions into, “giving up,” for the summer before proclaiming, “we’re back,” for the fall.

Successful Nashville Cup Run Ends In 1-3 Loss As Team Meets League Goal Of Creating 10,000 New Tennessee Based Inter Miami Fans

Miami, Fl - Nashville SC’s cup run ended in success with a 1-3 loss to Inter Miami as the team announced they met their league goal of creating 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.

“Tonight was a roaring success,” stated Nashville General Manager Mike Jacobs to the downcast locker room. “We achieved our business metric mandated by the league of creating at least 10,000 new Tennessee based Inter Miami fans.”

Sources say that most of the Nashville soccer team took heart in the new “fans created” metric, however some anonymous players wondered if the team could’ve served as the focal point to their own fans.

“It’d be nice if the people of Tennessee were rooting for us,” stated one anonymous player. “It’s really weird to have our own team bending over backwards for people to cheer for Miami.”

For their part, Nashville SC stated that they were able to recoup some of their recent losses by the overcharging of the Messi tourist crowd and Inter Miami gear sold by the league.

“Messi kits are our biggest seller!” stated Jacobs. “And by us I mean the league. I’m sure Nashville has some kit sells as well, but what about that Messi!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville petitions the league to have Inter Miami play some home games in Nashville as well.

After Successfully Running Two MLS Franchises Into The Ground, Nelson "Hatchet Man" Rodriguez Finds His Zen Destroying US Open Cup

NEW YORK - After successfully running both Chivas USA and the Chicago Fire into the ground so badly that fans openly protested his hiring, Chivas USA ceased to exist and the Fire shed both fans, sponsors and players, Nelson “Hatchet Man” Rodriguez admitted he is finally finding his zen by attempting to destroy the US Open Cup for Major League Soccer (MLS).

“It’s the culmination of all my skills and techniques I’ve used over the years,” stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. “Being the Executive Vice President of Sporting Competition means that I have the mandate to figure out new and exciting ways to screw things up for the league. It’s taken all my skills from the Metrostars (RIP) to Chivas USA (RIP) to the Fire (RIP) in order for me to finally get to a point where I can fully piss off all the fans in the United States and destroy the US Open Cup for Don Garber.”

Sources say that Rodriguez has had a new “pep in his step” as he starts the day with a feeling that he is on the right path.

“If I do my job right, the only thing left over will be cup competitions with sponsors that give money to the league that involve teams from our league. We will create NEW traditions. We will own the financial compensation for all of these new traditions. And the fans can suck it. Especially the ones from Chicago. Also, if I get a half chance I’m going to ban Sector Latino again. Just because.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rodriguez fails upward again.

Toronto FC Announce New Pre-Game Tradition Of Burning Down White House

TORONTO - In response to the New England Revolution corporate tradition of throwing a cardboard box with a sticker of the opposing team on it over a railing to simulate the Boston Tea Party, Toronto FC announced a new pre-game tradition of burning down the White House to simulate the War Of 1812.

“We call this our 1812 overture,” stated TFC communication manager Steven “Generalisimo” Jackson. “In response to the unnecessary TFC Dump, we will march upon the White House and burn it to the ground like Robert Ross did in the past.”

History majors state that they are flummoxed by both displays as both of them are indicative of an American dispute with England rather than Canada. However, they did acknowledge the savage nature of replicating the White House fire of 1814 as they stated, “DAaaaaaaaaaaaamn.”

Sources say that the Revolution responded by recalling Brad Friedel and formulating a plan to winter over at Valley Forge and eat firecakes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution announce another corporate tradition of appointing General Benedict Arnold as Secretary of Defense.

Don Garber Lobbies FIFA for Cancellation of 2026 World Cup As It Conflicts With Current Tournament Schedules

NEW YORK – The Nutmeg News has learned that Don Garber, Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), is aggressively lobbying FIFA President Gianni Infantino behind the scenes to cancel the 2026 World Cup – scheduled to be co-hosted by the United States, Mexico & Canada – as a result of that competition’s “unresolvable conflicts with MLS’s busy [2026] club tournament schedule.”

Garber generated public controversy in 2024 by suggesting that some or all MLS teams not participate in the U.S. Open Cup (USOC) – the oldest, and only fully-open, club tournament in the United States – in view of various other tournaments in which MLS teams participate, and for which MLS receives significantly more revenue. MLS insiders, speaking to The Nutmeg News on condition of anonymity, say that Garber has come to the realization that the 2026 World Cup tournament presents the same problem for MLS, which not only will have teams and players participating in league play in the summer of 2026, during the World Cup, but also have commitments to Leagues Cup and possibly later rounds of CONCACAF Champions Cup, as well as a newly-proposed “Saudi Aramco Petrodollars Tournament,” scheduled to be announced later in the year, at or near the time of the World Cup.

“Don has always been supportive of international play by MLS players,” said the anonymous MLS insider, “but the players’ union has forced his hand with all their demands for things like rest between matches and cutting back on excessive travel. In view of the [players’] union’s contract, [Garber] has reluctantly concluded the 2026 World Cup just can’t happen.”

Outside MLS observers believe that the real issue here is money. Although FIFA does pay clubs when their players participate in the World Cup – for 2022, FIFA paid clubs $10,000 per player per day for every time a club had a player who was called to their national squad for that tournament – Garber apparently finds these payments too low compared to the money MLS rakes in for US-based club tournaments, particularly when MLS teams are matched up with Liga MX teams from Mexico. Garber has apparently been lobbying FIFA for a “bonus solidarity payment” to MLS which would result in revenue to MLS equal to or exceeding the money MLS makes on club tournaments like Leagues Cup. In the words of one MLS observer, “did you see the ticket prices for the 2023 Leagues Cup [which were highly inflated in view of Lionel Messi’s appearance in the final]? Garber is looking for that kind of pay-out to MLS for the World Cup.”

Although Garber has yet to go public with his demands for World Cup cancellation, he apparently threatened Infantino with doing so “unless an accommodation can be made for MLS very soon.” FIFA is apparently deep in negotiations with Garber to resolve this conflict. There have been reports out of Zürich, Switzerland – the location of FIFA headquarters – of a U.S. Air Force C-5 cargo plane being loaded with numerous pallets of stacked Swiss Francs – leading some to believe a monetary settlement has been reached between MLS and FIFA and this dispute will never go public.

The Nutmeg News is following up on this story, as Garber is apparently working on a scheme to share FIFA’s largesse with MLS players – by offering a free (domestic) beer for all flights of more than 2 hours during league and tournament play travel.



Joey Saputo Threatens Montreal Supporters Group With Changing Name Of Team Again After Complaint Over Miami Ticket Prices

MONTREAL - Joey Saputo, owner of Club de Foot Montréal, threatened the Montreal supporters group 1642 Montreal with changing the name of the Team again and disbanding the supporters group after they issued a complaint about egregious ticket pricing for the upcoming Miami home game.

“I did it once, and I’ll do it again,” stated Saputo in a call with the Montreal supporters groups. “I’ll rename this team the Montreal Clowns and ban every single one of you from attending the game if you complain again.”

Sources say that the fans were simply upset that the team was charging $449 plus taxes for a single ticket in their supporters group section for the Miami game, however that did not stop Saputo from claiming foul.

“You are all trying to sabotage me! I built all this! ME! I’ll name this team the Montreal Saputos! I’ll do it! I’ll bury you like I did UM02.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Saputo removes the fleur-de-lis from the crest in retribution.

Kansas City Current Announce Two Drink Minimum Policy And $100 Cash Cover Charge For All Home Games

Kansas City, MO - National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) team Kansas City Current announced that all home games will have a two drink minimum policy and require a $100 cash cover charge for entrance on top of the day ticket or season ticket package.

“We will be requiring all entrants to purchase two drinks and bring $100 in cash to enter the facility,” stated the KC Current email sent to season ticket holders and mailing list members. “If you are unable to bring a new $100 bill you can also bring two $50 bills or even five $20 bills.”

Sources say that the Current are working to enable sober fans to attend games as they mandated that, “drinks will be charge at the same rate for alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages,” as they indicated that this would be enforced for youth and adult attendants alike.

“Supporting the Current is supporting women. You don’t hate women enough to not pay for a $50 parking fee, a $100 cover charge and a two drink minimum, do you? Arguing against a $50 parking fee is not supporting our shareholders, some of whom are women.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Current announce a new pay to play reservation system that fans have to sign up for before even going to a game.

Commissioner Demands Journalists It Pays To Cover Something Other Than The Most Famous Player In the World

INTERNET - Commissioner Don Garber demanded the journalists that it pays to cover something other the most famous player in the world as he stated, “there’s more to this league that Lionel Messi.”

Reportedly, Garber also stated, “you can’t cover the Collective Bargaining agreement, the destruction of the US Open Cup, the coverup of racial abuse in the league, the cover up of sexual assault and domestic violence in Portland, the hiring and firing of Gavin Wilkinson, the Professional Referee Organization, the playoff structure, the increasing service and ticket fees disenfranchising new fans, the nebulous behavior of Bruce Arena that we will never explain, and/or the utter lack of impact that this league has made with the broader American public.”

Sources say that this left journalists paid by the league to write columns such as, “Cole Basset…. American Messi?” and thought provoking articles describing how the best of 3 playoffs series is really better than the UEFA Champions League if you think about it.

“Commissioner Garber was explicit that he was disappointed that we cover anything but Messi, but also explicit that we run this Messi story into the ground. So I’m a bit confused, but as long as the checks continue to cash. I can’t go freelance with a once monthly Defector story,” stated one anonymous journalist.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber touts Messi-Mania during the MLS All Star Break.

International Haters Council Forms To Root Against Inter Miami

INTERNET - Sources with the International Haters Council (IHC) announced that their formation and official by-laws were passed by majority acclaim that allows all members to root against Inter Miami up and until the team falls apart.

“HATE HATE HATE HATE,” stated members of the IHC as they ratified their code of conduct.

Council members indicate that the by-laws were written in place by Hater Supreme Dick Whittens who reportedly, “Just hates Inter Miami for all this shit.”

The by-laws are as follows

#1 Hate Inter Miami

#2 Hope they lose every game

#3 Be insufferable if they do

#4 Hate on them on social media and in real life as much as possible.

#5 Take Joy….. in your hate.

Sources at the recent IHC kick off convention state that a small sub-party tried to add in a law of, “always rooting against Luis Suarez,” that was shot down as being, “too specific and granular.”

“We are a big tent haters group,” stated one member. “We can’t afford to be divisive.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the IHC comes together to celebrate any failures of Inter Miami.

MLS To Use AYSO Referees To Start Season

NEW YORK – Facing the start of its 2024 season today while the referee organization – the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) – that normally officiates its matches is currently on strike and locked out from work sites, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a bold, new, initiative to ensure the current season is able to commence – the “temporary” hiring of the large pool of American Youth Soccer Organization (AYSO) referees.

In a snap news conference held this morning, Don Garber – Commissioner of MLS – announced the hiring of AYSO referees as an “emergency measure” that he was forced to take in light of the “unprecedented and unreasonable” demands of the “greedy” PRO referees. “MLS has always been on the forefront of innovation,” said Garber, “from rethinking the US Open Cup, to adjusting our roster rules when our marquee teams want a star player, to ensuring our supporters’ groups do not unduly influence the hiring and firing decisions of our teams, we will always do what is best to protect our owners’ investments. This initiative with AYSO is the next step in that evolution, and will help grow the next generation of match officials.”

AYSO is the largest youth soccer organization in the United States, with a membership of over 56,000 teams and upwards of 630,000 players ages 4 to 18. AYSO Referees are typically parents or siblings of AYSO players, or in some cases AYSO players officiating matches of younger-aged players, and are paid $0.67 per game minute, while AYSO Assistant Referees – for those games that use more than one referee – are typically paid $0.50/minute. Garber indicated that the AYSO referees officiating MLS matches would receive a “significant pay bump” of $100.00 a match for Referees and $75.00 a match for Assistant Referees. Given that travel arrangements for PRO referees are one of the contentious issues that has precipitated the current strike, Garber was asked about payment of travel expenses for the new AYSO referees. He responded that that “was not on the table. We anticipate hiring locally, so our referees can have their mom drive them to the matches.” Garber also indicated that the new AYSO referee compensation package “may be something we look into for future PRO contracts. PRO needs to understand you cannot fight the laws of competitive economics.”

Several MLS players, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed concern about the quality level of officiating they will receive from the AYSO referees. An AYSO spokesperson, who attended the press conference with Garber, attempted to allay those concerns. “The speed of the game will definitely be different for our referees,” said the spokesman, “but we think it will be manageable. These young kids, they have a lot of excess energy to burn off.” One accommodation that will be put in place will be to station a milk carton by the VAR monitor, as some of the AYSO referees are not yet tall enough to reach the monitors at their current height setting.

The Nutmeg News reached out to several current AYSO referees for their thoughts on the announcement. Although most were nervous, many indicated excitement that “they might be on TV” and that they might get to see Lionel Messi live, as current Inter Miami ticket prices preclude them from attending matches. At least one AYSO referee indicated that at least one aspect of MLS refereeing might be easier than their current assignments – MLS’s “Confrontational Incidents” rules. The AYSO referee stated “once you’ve had a purple-faced parent screaming at you about an offside call in a U-10 match, having Matt Miazga chase you into the referees’ locker room is NBD (no big deal).”



Only 30 More Hours Of Work At Minimum Wage Til Union Fan Can Afford Replica Kit As Long As He Doesn't Eat, Drink, Pay Rent Or Taxes

PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Sam Phillips stated that he had only 30 more hours at the minimum wage of $7.25 an hour until he would be able to afford a replica Philadelphia Union kit as long as he doesn’t eat, drink, pay rent or taxes.

“I basically need to not exist as a human and I can afford this $200 replica kit at the end of the week,” stated Phillips to no one in particular. “I need to support my team and this is the way I show how I support them.”

Sources say that Phillips one source of joy in an unending existence of toil is his local soccer team as he makes every game and cheers on the Union.

“I’m just hoping that my car stays running, I don’t have a medical emergency, my landlord doesn’t evict me , my dog doesn’t have any issues, I don’t go sick, and I can find another job alongside the job I’m already working to cover my season ticket payments,” stated Phillips. “It’s not easy out here, but the boys know my sacrifice.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Phillips applies for a new credit card to cover the cost of the Union kit.


Gary The Lion Tells Online FC Cincinnati Mob To Stand Back And Stand By As He Disputes Nordecke Vote

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati mascot Gary The Lion reached out to his online mob of FC Cincinnati fans imploring them to, “Stand Back and Stand By,” as he reportedly disputed the recent vote for the Nordecke Board.

“The election was rigged,” stated Gary The Lion as he blasted the Nordecke for, “violating the spirit of free elections.”

The Nordecke, reportedly, was informed that there was a dispute of the recent election as Gary The Lion took to Twitter to blast the group for being weak on integrity.

“Do Nothing Nordecke has again shown their inability to conduct a free and fair election,” stated Gary The Lion. “My sworn electors will soon be on site at online polling locations to establish that I did, in fact, win the election.”

Sources say that the internal conflict comes from the fact that Gary The Lion could not perform his duties as a Crew fan representative while also being the mascot of their rivals FC Cincinnati. However, Gary the Lion blasted this rumor as, “planted by the Crew faithful who can’t see that Cincinnati is the greatest city in Ohio.”

For his part, Gary the Lion stated that his long term goal is to, “completely dismantle the Nordecke and all fan groups in Columbus leading to the utter anhiliation of the supporters groups and fan groups there for the rest of their life.”

Some in Columbus indicate that they are on the side of the FC Cincinnati mascot as they stated, anonymously, “As a lifelong Crew fan and a Nordecke skeptic after the capogate scandal, I think Gary has some good points. I don’t agree with his comments regarding the utter annihilation of Crew Supporters as one myself, but I voted for him because he promised to make Columbus great again by eliminating all of us.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as pundits claim that the current Nordecke board is far too old to be as effective as Gary would be in running the Nordecke into the ground.

Toronto FC Fan Commits To Watching Giovinco Highlights From 2017 Instead Of TFC Games This Season

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Edward James stated that he committed to watching Giovinco highlights from 2017 instead of watching TFC games from 2024 as he stated, “they are going to be shit.”

Indicating that he wanted to start the interview by stating, “Manning out,” James stated, “All the joy has gone from my life,” as he repeatedly watched the highlight videos from 2015 to prepare for the highlight videos from 2017.

Sources say that James stolidly watched the entire 2023 season before questioning why anyone would do that twice and realizing that the team is going to be virtually the same in 2024.

“I’m just done. Not permanently, but I’m going to take 30 minutes each Saturday and Sunday to watch Giovinco curl in some free-kicks and call it good instead of getting angry at terrible defensive mistakes and a total lack of cohesiveness,” stated James.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as James also claims that he’s only rewatching the 2017 championship game instead of whatever teams make MLS cup this season.