With 2023 Season Over, Rapids Blogger Begins Look Towards 2024

Denver, CO - Bemoaning the 4-0 loss to the Seattle Sounders that signified the end of the, “rebuilding year,” of 2023, Rapids Blogger Abraham Weston sat down at his computer and began his exhaustive look towards 2024.

“I think that we have some possible pieces that can really compete for a playoff spot,” wrote Weston on his substack. “And if you eliminate the feeling of loss from the 2023 season, you can see some bright spots.”

Sources say that Weston was far more positive about the 2023 season than some Rapids fans who took to Twitter and LinkedIN to complain about the lack of investment in the squad. However, Weston tried to take the long term perspective.

“I believe that eventually there will be enough random chance that we will somehow put together a blue-collar team that will lunch pail ourselves to the Western Conference semi-final before we ultimately fail to progress due to not having a singular player that can take over a game. I can’t wait.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other Rapids fans call Weston a paid shill.

Major League Soccer To Require All Teams Play in Indoor Stadiums Starting in 2024

NEW YORK – Stung by the rescheduling or postponement of inaugural weekend games in Portland and Los Angeles due to weather conditions, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that starting with the 2024 season, all MLS teams will be required to play home games in an indoor stadium.

Portland fan on their way to the home opener.,

“With the MLS season increasingly entering into poor-weather winter months due to league expansion, in-season cup competitions, and more playoff games, there is a need to ensure we have compatible playing conditions for games,” said Mark Abbott, President and Deputy Commissioner of Major League Soccer. “MLS believes the only viable solution is for teams to play indoors,” he continued.

At present, only two of 29 MLS teams – Atlanta and Vancouver – play in stadiums which can be made indoor with a retractable roof. Another 10 teams – Dallas, Houston, LAFC, LA Galaxy, Saint Louis, Minneapolis, Montreal, Toronto, Seattle and Miami – play in cities with an existing stadium – currently hosting American or Canadian football or baseball – that is either fully indoor or converts to indoor with a retractable roof. This will leave 17 current MLS teams having to scramble to convert their current stadium to allow for indoor play, or find an alternative indoor venue in a different city until that can be done.

As yet, most MLS teams have not announced how they intend to comply with this edict. Inquiries into the front offices by the Nutmeg News yielded only two responses. Portland Timbers, currently playing in a stadium owned by the city of Portland, are lobbying Portland mayor Ted Wheeler for city funds to purchase a 150,000 square foot tarpaulin to be secured to the roof of that stadium. NYCFC will temporarily relocate to Tropicana Field, an indoor baseball stadium and the current home of the Tampa Bay Rays.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas reach out to the Sidekicks to see if they can rent Reunion Arena.

Despondent Philadelphia Union Fan Demands To Be Part Of Citywide Depression As Philadelphia Mourns Second Straight Championship Loss

Philadelphia, PA- Philadelphia Union fan Sam Hays demanded to be included in the citywide depression after the Eagles lost Super Bowl LVII to the football team from Kansas City extending the Philadelphia citywide curse to two straight major sports championship losses.

“Goddammit, I HURT TOO,” stated Hays to depressed friend and Eagles fan James Thurston.

Sources say that Hays felt distinctly left out as the city bemoaned the loss of two straight championships.

“WE LOST AS WELL, GODDAMMIT WE LOST AS WELL,” stated Hays. “I was THERE man. I had my heart ripped out. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO DO TO COUNT.”

Sources indicate that local sports mourned the loss of the Phillies and the Eagles while a mention of the Union happened on the Philadelphia Inquirer, largely due to employing people who care.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays spends most of Monday dovetailing the loss to his experience in 2022.

AppleTV Video Package For Inter Miami Prominently Features Carlos Valderrama Highlights

FORT LAUDERDALE – Inter Miami CF today released its promotional video package as part of MLS’s league-wide promotion of the exclusive broadcasting partnership with AppleTV. Many viewers were surprised to find that the package seem to primarily feature highlights of the play of Carlos Valderrama.

Valderrama, a Colombian international and MLS All-Time Best XI, has not played professional soccer for a Miami team since 1999, during a two-year run for the now-defunct Miami Fusion of the early MLS. Now, 61, Valderrama played 24 games and scored 3 goals for the Fusion between 1997 and 1999.

Asked for comment, Inter Miami’s press liaison stated “Inter Miami wanted to remind MLS fans of the long history of exciting football played in Fort Lauderdale.” Inter Miami had no comment on the lack of more recent highlights. In its three-year MLS history, the team has made the playoffs only once and have yet to score a playoff goal.

Eagle-eyed viewers also noted that the only highlight that appeared to show a goal scored by an Inter Miami player was instead a clip of Lionel Messi in a pink Barcelona kit, with the Inter Miami crest crudely inserted using what appeared to be 1990s computer-generated imaging technology.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a de-aged Johan Cruyff appears to line up for D.C. United in a new promotional reel.

Chicago Fire Apple Music Playlist Just 4 Hours Of Man Screaming

INTERNET - With the release of official Apple Music playlists for most Major League Soccer (MLS) teams, fans were quick to note that the Chicago Fire playlist is just 4 hours of a man screaming.

Artists Depiction

"We have playlists across MLS that reflect the culture and personality of the team they are made for,” stated Fire music curator Josiah Williams. “What better way for new fans to get the feeling of the Fire than a 4 hour track of someone screaming in an empty room?"

Sources state that the Fire created a playlist roundtable of unpaid volunteers to suggest tracks to the Fire music selection committee. Some of the reported options given to the team were empty dissonance, the sound of one hand clapping and a 26 hour cut of the Apocalypse Now clip of, “the horror, the horror,” played in Dolby Surround.

Fire GameDay staff say they're excited for new fans to connect the dots to come to a game by revealing it will be played before, during, and after Fire games in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as excited fans can’t tell where their screaming begins and the playlist ends.

Groundhog Predicts Two More Weeks Without An NWSL Schedule

Punxsutawney, PA - Punxsutawney Phil, the prognosticator of prognosticators, was removed from his temporary residence and reported that he saw his shadow which means two more weeks without a National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule.

WHERE IS IT!

Sources say that irate NWSL fans took to Twitter to voice their concerns over the schedule at Senior Writer with The Athletic Meg Linehan regarding the situation as some blamed her for the groundhogs prediction.

“I just want to know where the schedule is,” stated one anonymous NWSL fan. “I know that Meg knows that the groundhog knows that it isn’t going to be two more weeks, but I’d just like to know where it is.”

Sources indicate that Phil was in communication with the NWSL as they asked for more time.

“We can neither confirm nor deny that Phil was involved in the schedule makers,” stated one of Phils handlers. “However, we strongly rebuke any kind of indication that there was something inappropriate going on with the release of the schedule. Everything is above board and Phil sees his shadow or does not purely based upon his shadow and the weather.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the schedule is picked by a sentient octopus in Germany.

United States Soccer Teams Kick Off Black History Month By Looking For Black Front Office Employees

UNITED STATES - Soccer teams across the country kicked off their celebration of Black History Month by scouring their offices for employees who are black as they attempted to fulfil their diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) promises.

“We’ve been able to really find a few employees this time around,” stated one human resources manager. “Our office is extremely diversified if you count the players on the team. ESPECIALLY if you include players from French territories. EXTREMELY diversified.”

Sources say that one social media manager stated, “Has it really been a year?” before going to google to look up a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to post to the team’s Twitter feed. “It’s always exciting this time of year because I get to google so many different people for a week or two in February.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a Tom Jeffers, from the Sugar House neighborhood, retweets the Real Salt Lake Black History Month post as his moment of local defiance.

Success Of Welcome To Wrexham TV Show Spurs Billionaire Stan Kroenke To Spend Additional 50 Cents On Advertising

Denver, CO - The success of the Welcome to Wrexham television on Hulu spurred billionaire Colorado Rapids owner Stan Kroenke to spend an additional 50 cents on his advertising budget as he asked if the Rapids staff could buy a 10 second spot on local radio with the money.

“He was all gas after binge watching the series,” stated one Rapids insider. “He called up saying that we were going to up the advertising budget by 100%. A whole additional 50 cents! Wow! What a time to be alive.”

With multiple Rapids fans complaining about local Denver residents who became a fan of Welsh club Wrexham due to the international series, Kroenke saw his opportunity to respond to the jibes by trying to increase the budget of the team.

“With this 50 cents we can finally afford an additional granola bar,” stated one Rapids insider. “It certainly isn’t a 10 episode series detailing the insides of the club, showing our players, and explaining our history to the local population; but imagine the Brown Sugar Nature Valley bar that I can get with this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Kroenke demands cuts after his 50 cent venture doesn’t pay off.

"Better Late Than Never," Posts Andrew Carleton On His Way To Protest World Cup Final

WASHINGTON - A defiant Andrew Carleton posted, “Better late than never,” on his Instagram account at 4:50 in the morning as he indicated that he was on his way to protest the result of the World Cup Final on December 18th.

“Stop The Steal,” stated Carleton on his way into the airport to depart for Qatar, “If the world cup final is this close they WILL STEAL IT.”

Sources say that Carleton was radicalized to believe that FIFA were attempting to certify an invalid victory by Argentina as he stated, “If you count ALL the goals, the United States wins their games and is in the final. STOP THE STEAL.”

Experts conclude that the World Cup Final was valid and complete, with all goals that were goals counted, however that hasn’t stopped conspiracy theorists from claiming that the victory was invalid.

“We must get out in the streets in Qatar and raise our voice,” stated one American Outlaws member. “The USA needs all goals counted.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton claims he never really believed in this when he talks the Las Vegas Lights public relations expert.

NISA Gift Baskets Stun Journalists With Voucher For Free Kickboxing Class Taught By George Juncaj

INTERNET - Soccer journalists across the United States were reportedly stunned when an unexpected NISA gift basket contained a voucher for a free kickboxing class taught by George Juncaj.

"This seems like a bad idea," said one anonymous reporter, "it also doesn't really seem like a gift."

The NISA basket also contained free shares of the Rochester franchise, a subscription to TivO, and a 3000 page manifesto on Pro/Rel.

“The instructions for obtaining shares in Rochester just told us to write how much we thought it was worth on the back of this envelope,” stated one national reporter. “And the envelope looked like it was stained with some kind of jam or jelly. At best, I was just really hoping for a gift certificate to Applebee’s.”

For their part, at least 5 reporters attempted to sign up for Jabbing With Juncaj only to find some limitations.

“He wants me to sign an NDA and even though the class is advertised as being taught by George Juncaj it states that the leader of the group may end up being Steven Juncaj, instead. It’s all just confusing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NISA runs out of money to pay for the shipping of their baskets and asks journalists to print out the vouchers from their website instead.

Claudio Reyna Steps Down From Austin FC In Order To Spend More Time With His Son Blackmailing Coaches

Austin, TX - Stating, “These times were some of the best in my life,” a tearful Claudio Reyna stated that he would be leaving Austin FC in order to spend more time blackmailing the coaches of his son Gio Reyna.

“You only get a few years to really harass and blackmail coaches for your child,” stated Reyna. “And I’m determined to be present in my son’s life.”

Sources indicate that Reyna may have, in fact, been forced out of his position with the Major League Soccer (MLS) side. However, Reyna took a different tone.

“Too many times I saw players not have a relationship with their children,” stated Reyna. “But I want to be there for him from the moment I call the assistant manager with Dortmund to the time I hire a private investigator to leak information about whichever USMNT coach doesn’t play him in the next world cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna takes a sabbatical from his advisor position in order to investigate rumors of the sex lives of Dortmund’s athletic trainers.

"For Legal Reasons, I Like To Think Of Him As Two Entirely Different Merritt Paulsons," States Don Garber

NEW YORK - Praising his good friend Merritt Paulson, Major League Soccer (MLS) Comissioner Don Garber stated that he was shocked that Evil Merritt Paulson’s Portland Thorns had two more scandals related to distribution of a controlled sustance and sexual harrassment.

“For legal reasons, I like to think of him as two entirely different Merritt Paulsons,” stated Don Garber. “The Merritt Paulson I know who owns the Portland Timbers would never foster an environment where people distribute codeine to players against their wishes and without a prescription, or where they endanger players by putting them under a sexual predator who then, after the crime, is praised by evil Merritt Paulson. No, the Merritt Paulson who owns the Timbers would NEVER do what the Merritt Paulson who owns the Thorns does.”

Indicating that Major League Soccer has no problems with Paulson, Garber praised the owner for his open nature.

“:He’s friends with everyone,” stated Garber. “And we are all friends with him, and I don’t think a friend could do any of this. It really is just an indication of an out of control organization that has nothing to do with Major League Soccer, despite being owned by the same person.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber deflects and praises Paulson for his introspective and loving nature as he states, “He loves women! And really that’s his biggest fault”

ISC Conference On Dangers Of Gatekeeping Is Invite Only

Albuquerque, NM - Attendants at the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) conference in Albuquerque report that the invitation only ISC breakout on the dangers of gatekeeping kicks off today after a general meeting.

"Gatekeeping is one of the worst things that keeps soccer from growing,” states the conference literature. “If you're invited, you can hear how to keep gatekeeping from ruining your local teams fans."

Sources indicate that the private class will teach vetted attendants how to keep their supporters group authentic and open to new members.

“What we are learning about here is the perils of a closed and elitist version of supporters culture,” stated one source. “And if you would like to know more, then you will need to prove your acceptance so that I can share more with you.”

When asked if they'd share the presentation with the public, the ISC said that any concerned member of the public would be able to get the full notes if they find an ISC rep, obtain their sponsorship, obtain a private link login, get an official document password and perform a sacrificial scarf offering done in the traditional garb.

The Nutmeg News will have more as "Super Important Information To Have A Unified SG" starts the second day of the conference.

Pedants Celebrate Salt City Union

INTERNET - Pedants across North America were moderately whelmed as they celebrated the joining of Flower City Union and Syracuse Pulse to create a technically correct Salt City Union of two teams.

“We have long suffered unions that weren’t union,” stated Timothy Carmichael Brown III of Syracuse. “Our dislike of the factually incorrect was learned by rote as we were formed in our early days. Fake unions exist at nearly every level, but finally we can raise a METAPHORICAL glass, as I’m currently drinking from a disposable cardboard cup, to Salt City Union.”

Sources indicate that celebrations were muted as the technically correct ensured that those around them were completely informed of the subject.

“What we notice immediately is that the Union in the CHESTER area are not formed from a Union nor formed via a Union nor a Union in Philadelphia, but in fact are not Union in any way. NOW we can celebrate the formation of a Union team from a Union to form a better Union as the framers would indicate,” stated Carmichael Brown III.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carmichael Brown III explains the OFFSIDE rule, not the offsides rule.

Inter Miami Increasingly Confident They'll Sign Tom Brady

Major League Soccer (MLS) teams including Inter Miami were apparently preparing bids for former NFL player Tom Brady after the long time quarterback was knocked out of the NFL playoffs on Sunday.

Inter Miami were reportedly the closest to making a deal with Brady which would make the San Mateo superstar the highest -paid player in MLS history, according to a report Monday in The Nutmeg News.

Brady, who’s out of contract with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers through the 2022-23 American season, is currently at the supplements store and is reportedly being lured by a league-record sum. The Herons are also reportedly l0ooking into reuiniting him with Buccaneers teammate Rob Gronkowski.

Miami are “confident” of reaching an agreement with the three time Best NFL player ESPY award winner. Brady, who turns to dust in August, would join the Hrerons once his contract with Balco expires this summer.

As it now stands, Toronto FC star Lorenzo Isnsigne is the highest-paid player in MLs with a base salary of $14 million.

Gio Reyna's Parents Threaten To Move Son To Another Team After He Fails To Win USSF Player Of The Year

CHICAGO - Sources indicate that the irate parents of Gio Reyna called the United States Soccer Federation to threaten moving their son to another team after he failed to win the USSF Player of the year for 2023.

Screaming, “We w ill PULL him out of this program,” an irate Claudio Reyna reportedly added, “WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BRING THE ORANGE SLICES TO PRACTICE?! YOU THINK THAT HAPPENS ON ITS OWN?”

Sources indicate that the federation was being pressured by the parents of Reyna to make Reyna the player of the year in compensation for, “being completely mistreated by these jokers.” However, neither their threats of keeping the practice cones at home nor their rumored bribe of a $20 Applebees gift card did anything to sway the opinion of those at the Federation.

“We have to keep things on the up and up,” stated one Federation official. “Now if that had been Panera, it might have been a different story.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Reyna’s parents call Dortmund to demand a view into their starting 11.

Slow Descent Into Hell Begins With Child's Youth Soccer Registration

Denver, CO - Parent Rob Rivera acknowledged his slow descent into hell with a muffled, “shit,” as he clicked register on his 8 year old son’s youth soccer application.

Move your FEET!

YOU CALL THAT TRACKING BACK?

“Fuck no I don’t want to be a coach,” stated Rivera as he navigated the endless forms he had to fill out in order to get his son on the field. “I just want him to burn off some energy and see if he likes the game.”

Sources indicate that Rivera still claims he isn’t going to, “get sucked into this whole thing,” despite shopping for an emblazoned team polo with his name embroidered on it.

“I can handle myself appropriately,” stated Rivera. “This coach better know what they are doing, though. I want to see coordinated attack and defense, not just some formless amoeba out there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as a visibly energetic Rivera is asked to either join the coaching staff or remove himself from the sidelines 10 minutes into game 1.

Major League Soccer Announces 29 Team 34 Game Playoffs

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a 29 team 34 game playoff system that will follow the 34 game season currently played by the 29 teams in the league.

“We want to give the fans what they want,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer, “and that’s to give us more of their money.”

Sources indicate that the Major League Soccer regular season will seed teams for the 34 game playoff which will ultimately finish with a 34 team knock out round.

“The MLS Championship game will be a best of seven series and will start two days after the start of the 2024 training camp,” stated one league insider. “The winner will have an additional 6 hours to notify players that will not be returning for the season that has already begun.”

Major League Soccer stated that the 34 game playoffs will be available for an additional subscription on Apple TV that current subscribers of the MLS package can purchase for a discount of $99.

“Every game will be available without blackouts and you can watch your team play in the MLS Playoffs for only an additional $99, which does not include the championship best of seven series,” stated Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league changes the deciding game of the 7 game MLS Championship to a Royal Rumble with each team in the league playing until all its players are carded or injured.

MLS Social Media Manager Makes It Through Monday, Again, Without Quitting

INTERNET - Jeff Abrams, an MLS team social media manager, stated that he considered it a major victory as he managed to make it through Monday, again, without quitting his job.

“I did update my resignation letter,” stated Abrams to The Nutmeg News, “but I didn’t send it in. I consider that a success. Honestly the comments weren’t even that bad today.”

Sources indicate that Abrams has considered quitting every single Monday for the last year since the shine wore off his job midway through his first season two years ago.

“I just didn’t realize what this whole job was,” stated Abrams with a blank stare as he reflexively shivered at a phone notification. “Its… alot.. I mean.. look… it’s… look, I can’t explain it but… it’s just… sometimes, well sometimes it’s great, but when it’s bad it is like sticking your head into hot tar as people yell at you for not being burned enough.”

Abrams claimed that despite all of that, there are moments where everything comes together.

“Yeah, when you nail a campaign that you’ve been working on it’s really satisfying up until you release it and despite the universal acclaim you manage to see the 10 comments from people who are perpetually upset at everything and you fixate upon that despite the great response and well, I’m thinking of trying to find a therapist to help me when I transition out of this job.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abrams updates his resume dates, changes his resignation letter in the drafts and looks at job advertisements on LinkedIn as part of his “Self Care Tuesday”.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 29th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 29th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2024, 2025 and 2026, as well.