Man Enters 6th Year Of Claiming Inconsistent Player Will Be Consistent This Season

Des Moines, IA - Inter Club De Foot Des Moines FC AC fan Brian Williams boldly claimed for the 6th year that THIS was the year that forward Darryl West will be consistent.

BEST player on the team this year! I guarantee it!

West reportedly scored a delightful goal during a recent pre-season scrimmage that sent Williams into a Facebook posting frenzy as he claimed, “I honestly believe he’s going to be a huge contributor this year.”

Friends state that Williams has always been bullish on the contributions of West despite the forward only scoring 6 goals over the last 6 seasons and playing less than 700 minutes last season.

“I don’t really know why, but he always thinks that he is going to come good. It’s like an addiction at this point. It’s kinda crazy, to be honest. I don’t really understand why he loves him so much,” stated fellow fan Kendra Sanders.

However, none of this stopped Williams as he analyzed the reports from camp that indicated the prowess of West as he played his fellow reserves.

“This guy is getting 15 goals this season! I can feel that it’s going to be happening this year. LOOK OUT, USL!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as news breaks that West is being given playing time in order to sell him to a lower division team.

New England Revolution Excited For Possible Increase In Attendance With 12% Capacity Restriction

Foxborough, MA - Sources with the New England Revolution say they are excited for a possible increase in overall attendance with the 12% capacity restriction that will likely be in place for their home opener on April 24th.

“If we get all 12% to show up that will set us up for a great year with regards to our attendance,” stated one source with the team. “You know that 12% of 65,878 is 7,905. We would be thrilled to have 7,905 there cheering us on. It’ll be like a full house during a normal season!”

With COVID protocols in place for almost all teams during the 2021 season, many are preparing for severely reduced crowds. However, the Revolution were excited by the prospect of 7,900 fans.

“We haven’t had a sell out for a while but we feel excited to potentially hit this mark,” stated one Revolution insider. “We’ve put the mission out to our ticket sales staff. Project 12% is a GO! It’s an attainable goal for the 2021 season.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire announce they will, also, be opening for usual Chicago Fire attendance

New Dead Sea Scrolls Detail Ancient Soccer Fan's Grievances

JERUSALEM - Israeli archeologists on Tuesday announced the discovery of dozens of Dead Sea Scroll fragments bearing a rant about Promotion/Relegation and the grievances of a specific writer against the soccer community during a Jewish revolt against Rome nearly 1,900 years ago.

The fragments of parchment bear lines of Greek text containing a multitude of platitudes about the game as well as specific targeted statements against enemies of the writer.

“And from Ninevah, the sons of Keturah thought that every goal was a golazo but tap in goals aren’t a golazo. Behold the secondary wife of Abraham who gave 110% to the game, on this night, the night which she engendered, or conceived, her sons which were Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian (who once took a shit on the communal walk to the away game in Ninevah) , Ishbak (who never helped during gameday), and Shuah (who never contributed with painting T.I.F.O). And the sons of Jokshan begat a really terrible song to the tune of 1 nation army and verily he is a dick for begatting such an atrocity upon our ears,” read one of the translated texts. “And 1 Nation Army begat We Love Ya which begat I Believe which begat Babylon ain’t nothing to fuck with and so the Lord was tired and said … wow… all these songs are shit… have you ever tried Dale Cavese.”

Portions of the new Dead Sea Scroll fragments contain a rant about Promotion and Relegation that details the writers anger towards the Roman establishment for prohibiting the free movement of teams in the Galilee Premier League.

“The gift of Promotion/Relegation was poured out even on the Gentiles,” states one of the passages. “For they were hearing them speaking in tongues and extolling Promotion and Relegation Then Peter declared, ‘Can anyone withhold Promotion for Club de Foot Lower Galilee, who have received the three point deduction just as we have?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this ancient historians detail a very explicit rant about, “fucking Mark and all he does is preach in the desert but when I call him to help move the drums he’s busy.”

Effort To Appeal To Gen Z Members With New Songs Falls Apart As No One Involved With Capos Can Name A BTS Song

Des Moines, IA - Capos for Internazionale Club de Foot Des Moines announced that an effort to appeal to Gen Z members with new songs has fallen apart as no one involved with the capos can name a BTS song.

“How about a new song set to the Music Man. Everyone LOVES broadway!”

“What about that… um…that Instagram song that’s like no no no no no,” stated one befuddled 37 year old Capo sporting a modified Black Flag patch on his vest.

According to those involved in the meeting, a number of artists were brought up as being, “relevant,” to the youth of today only to be shot down after the Capos couldn’t name a single song.

“I’m not even gong to pretend,” stated Brad Stonehouse, Capo for 5 years. “I don’t have a fucking clue. I spent most of the weekend trying to brush up on The Weeknd, because I thought that was relevant. Now they want me to talk about… um… Doja Cat? I thought that was a meme.”

43 year old Capo Hank Pulaski stated that he spent the weekend watching the HBO documentary on the Bee Gees and that he found it delightful and maybe, “we should try to write something to.. you know… one of their songs. The music now is too confusing. How many bunnies are there… there’s like a Khaled and a DJ Khaled? How do you even keep that straight? I don’t even know.”

This flew in the face of 40 year old capo Andrew Rossiello who stated, “Guys, what about Trent Reznor/Nine Inch Nails. I’m telling you. Everyone knows Trent Reznor, now. They have a whole catalog. It’d be hard as fuck.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the capos start a Tik Tok account purely to get some relevant outsider suggestions.

Lower Back Of Rec League Midfielder Announces General Strike After First Scrimmage In Over A Year

Dallas, TX - The lower back of midfielder Michael Esposito sent out a press release announcing a general strike and total muscle stoppage after the first scrimmage in over a year for the now ancient 35 year old player.

“The lower back will not STAND for this,” stated the press release to all the rest of Esposito’s muscles. “And we demand that the brain come to the table and bargain for some kind of deal moving forward so that we can all play on the same terms.”

According to the leg muscles of Mr Esposito, most cardiovascular and musculator systems were wholly unaware that they were going to be tested in such a way, so soon.

“We had no IDEA this was coming,” stated the hamstrings of Mr. Esposito. “We were just relaxing on the couch for the last year or so and then suddenly… BAM …. we are trying to do windsprints up and down the field. WHAT THE HELL, BRAIN.”

The brain for Mr. Esposito issued a terse statement to the press indicating, “We are extremely happy with the first game back and look forward to working out these issues with all the muscles, lungs and different systems of the body, but we will not be held hostage by the lower back. We will not negotiate with terrorists and we are sending an ice pack down there to sort things out.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the hamstrings of Mr. Esposito rebel during the second game he plays as he wonders if perhaps he should’ve done some cross training prior to playing.

KC Cauldron "Shots" Song To Include CDC Guidelines On Post Vaccine Behavior

Kansas City, KS - Sources indicate that The Cauldron, a Sporting Kansas City supporters group, have changed their typical “Shots” song to include CDC Guidelines on Post Vaccine Behavior.

“They felt it would be appropriate to indicate exactly how to act after your get the vaccine,” stated one insider with the supporters group.

An internal memo forwarded to our staff indicates that a new stanza in the SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS - EVERYBODY verse will indicate that you should still wear a mask even after you receive the vaccine in order to protect the vulnerable communities that haven’t received a shot yet.

“It’s important for us to ensure that everyone knows how to assess how you will feel the day after your second vaccine shot if you don’t get the one-shot Johnson and Johnson vaccine,” stated one KC Cauldron insider.

With heavy emphasis on the multiple different vaccines currently available, some fans insist that the song may be getting a bit word heavy. However, those in the stands indicated their commitment towards ensuring the safety of everyone at Children’s Mercy Park.

“It’s important that everyone know how to act and what to know after they receive the vaccine,” stated our source. “and if that means that during a particularly influential corner kick in an upcoming game they listen to 5 minutes of the supporters group singing about post vaccine behavior and transmission issues, then so be it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The Cauldron practice line #47 of “shots” which includes a disclaimer about the experience of trial participants and the placebo effect.

Interested Sacramento Republic Investor Revealed to Be Four Broke Children Sitting On Each Others Shoulders In A Trench Coat

Sacramento, CA - Rumors of a newly interested Sacramento Republic investor fell apart, on Friday, as the new investor was revealed to be four broke children sitting on each others shoulders in a trench coat.

“I thought it was odd when all they wanted to talk about was Chicken Nuggets and watching Bluey,” stated Republic President Todd Dunivant. “But some people said that they had the capital to get the team to MLS and who was I to say no.”

According to sources with the team, the four children in a trench coat came with a sterling reputation from their company, “poop poop poop poopy incorporated,” as they were rumored to be heavily invested in the Television rights for a live action remake of CatDog.

“We thought that this was the final piece we needed,” stated one team insider. “When I asked them about whether their asset allocation was geared to securities with high expected returns they simply said, ‘poopy butt butt,’ and giggled. I figured that was a comment on the SEC, but now I think they were probably just messing with me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sacramento courts future investors.

USL Supporter Seeks Passionate Fans To Help Create Supporters Group Where They Can Argue About Everything And Eventually Crush His Love Of The Game Before He Bitterly Leaves

Ashtabula, OH - Soccer fan Mike Stevens recently advertised on Facebook that he was seeking like minded and passionate fans to help create a supporters group for the new USL side Ashtabula Tabula Rasa FC where the fans can argue about everything and eventually crush Stevens love of the game before he bitterly leaves.

Is facepaint cool or not cool these days?

“I want the excitement of creating something brand new that I will later resent,” stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. “I know that my local soccer community will help me out and find a way to make my dream of a supporters group that will eventually disappoint me a reality.”

Local fans indicate that they are intrigued with the idea of a supporters group as many of them, “want to take inspiration from all those guys from England,” while others, “want to get all Belgrade with it.”

Stevens indicated that his idea was always about getting together to watch the game with friends, but that he would be open to any direction that was suggested because it will inevitably lead to his ouster many years later.

“In order for me to finally feel like I can resign in disgust, we will need to get this thing started,” stated Stevens. “I’m planning on parlaying my experience in this future supporters group into a completely different avenue when I reconfigure my Twitter account in 4 years to stop mentioning soccer at all and start talking about the mechanics of NFT and bitcoin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens begins to wonder what the motivations are of the theoretical people in his theoretical supporters group and whether they align with his vision.

Heartwarming Front Office Instagram Post A Perfect Venue To Demand, "Trash," Player Be Traded

Des Moines, IA - A heartwarming front office Instagram post celebrating the birth of defender Mike Sheldon’s daughter proved the perfect venue for season ticket holder Dirk Williams to demand Sheldon to be traded to, “literally anywhere.”

“I just want to see him gone,” stated Williams, ”He’s trash and I don’t really give a shit how or why he goes. And tell him to take McCann with him.”

While Sheldon had a tough 2020 due to injury, personal issues, COVID and playing time, sources with the team indicate that he is ready to compete in 2021 and they anticipate a return to form.

“Yeah, Mike is going to challenge the starters from last year,” stated one team source. “We expect great things from him this season with an extremely tough 2020 behind him.”

None of this information dissuaded Mr. Williams from continuing his campaign of targeted harassments as he took every opportunity to demand Sheldon to leave the team including leaving comments on the signing announcement of other players as he stated, “GREAT! Now that this deal is done, get rid of Sheldon to absolutely anywhere because he is trash.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an awkward Williams asks the player for a picture when he runs into him at a grocery store.

Christian Pulisic and Matt Miazga Announce The Formation Of An International Branch Of The Oath Keepers

Chelsea player Christian Pulisic and Anderlecht player Matt Miazga announced, today, the formation of an international branch of the Oath Keepers, a far right paramilitary anti-government militia.

FIFA via Getty Images, MLS via USA TODAY Sports

“While we aren’t former military, we ARE serving our country overseas,” stated Pulisic to The Nutmeg News.

Sources indicate that Pulisic and Miazga have grown increasingly strident in their right wing views as they surf Instagram looking for any gun and alt-right content to favorite.

“We believe that the government belongs to the people and by people we mean heavily armed white supremacists who want to overthrow the democratically elected President currently in office by killing police officers and attempting to kidnap Senators,” stated the alleged press release from the duo. “As such, we are more than happy to start a branch of the Oath Keepers in London and Anderlecht.”

Sources indicate that the International Oath Keepers have bigger goals than supposedly protecting the United States constitution as the soccer players heavily recruited from the English Defense League to fill out their requirement of angry white men who hate where their countries are headed.

“We will defend the Queen, the King, and the God-President in Exile,” stated the International Oath Keepers manifesto.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Christian Pulisic favorites another controversial Instagram post and fans run to defend him.

Email From Nick Lima To His Agent Regarding Lima's Opinion On Slavery And His Opposition To The Black Lives Matter Movement Remains Unread

INTERNET - Sources indicate that an email from Austin FC player Nick Lima to his agent regarding Lima’s opinion on slavery and his opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement remains unread as the player sent another text asking for an opinion on the piece.

“Seth Jahn was RIGHT! MAJA/MAGA”

“I’m thinking of sending this out to the fake news,” stated the text message from Lima as his agent rubbed his temples in a bathroom stall somewhere. “At the very least I need to post this to my social media. Everyone needs to know how embarrassing they are by kneeling in protest of police brutality and racism.”

Sources indicate that Lima fully supports the recent alt-right and fake fact dependent tirade of Seth Jahn who began his long grift towards becoming a sports anchor for One American News by ranting about his beliefs on Instagram.

“Yeah, um… well… we don’t control what our players support, we just try to help them… oh goddammit,” stated one social media manager for Austin FC.

For his part, Lima stated that he, “just needed an opportunity to double down on what he said before decrying cancel culture and then being told to stop making statements to the media.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lima considers the opportunity to talk about his beliefs with Ben Shapiro.

USSF Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Council Reach Out To Both Pro-Racist And Anti-Racist Members For Next Step

CHICAGO - After a raucous annual general meeting in which athlete’s council delegate Seth Jahn stated racist and ignorant comments for several minutes with virtually no opposition or rebuke, the US Soccer Federation (USSF) diversity, equity and inclusion council stated that they would reach out to both Pro-Racist and Anti-Racist members for their next step.

“It’s important to hear a diversity of thought in our membership,” stated USSF spokesman Bryce Williams. “In an effort to become more educated on the subjects that Mr. Jahn espoused, we reached out to a few members that think apartheid was right, Nelson Mandela is a criminal, Barack Obama was born in Kenya and Ahmaud Arbery deserved to die in order to get their opinion on the opinions of Mr. Jahn."

No one in the soccer stratosphere was really shocked to hear bigoted statements happen within the purview of US Soccer, however Mr. Williams indicated that the Council was still committed to forward progress.

“US Soccer Federation supports a diversity of thought from the idea that everyone is equal and deserving of empathy and love to the idea that Black people cause all the crime in the world and slavery wasn’t that bad,” stated Williams. “Of course Black people deserve to share their experiences, but it also important to hear the other side of people who don’t think they exist. That’s the kind of sharing of ideas that’s important to us.”

While many people condemned Jahn’s statements, USSF President Cindy Parlow Cone said, “Seth has done a lot for our country and for our federation. And like I said before, just like the players have a right to peacefully protest, Seth has the right to voice his opinions. I’ll be honest with you, the speaker that it was on my side was really hard to hear. And so I couldn’t actually hear everything that he was saying.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer announces a new, “Pride,” campaign that focuses on increasing the love one has for their own race whether white or other.

Gatekeeper Excludes Himself From Supporters Group For Not Meeting His Own High Expectations

NEW YORK - After being unable to specifically the name all the starting midfielders for the Metrostars during the entirety of the 1998 season, gatekeeper extraordinaire Jake Garfield told himself that he would not be allowed to continue in the RBNY supporters group this season.

“We cannot dilute the excellence of our group by allowing in n00bs who don’t know our full history,” stated Garfield about himself.

According to sources in the know, Garfield became suspicious of himself when he caught a reflection in the mirror of himself wearing a throwback Metrostars kit.

“I saw this guy, you know… me…., and I was like, ‘ok, so you like the Metrostars, but can you name all the starting midfielders during the entirety of the 1998 season,’ and he/I just couldn’t,” stated Garfield. “It’s outrageous to think that just some random normy, like myself, could buy a throwback kit if they don’t specifically know how many appearances Kerry Zavagnin made in 1998.”

According to Garfield, who witnessed the altercation between Garfield and Garfield, the fan then demanded of himself that he remove his own kit as he wasn’t a true fan and an altercation happened in the hallway of his Brooklyn studio.

“Fuck THIS GUY,” stated Garfield as he rabbit punched himself in the kidney over the theoretical disagreement with himself.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garfield intervenes with himself to try and let himself back into his group if he can exactly name the circumstances that brought Nino da Silva to the team in 2000.

Paulson To Deaf Community, "Read My Lips, No New Captioning"

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson exploded at the deaf and hard of hearing communities as he slammed them for being entitled complainers as members of the community requested captioning on videos released by the team for the 186,000,000,000th time.

“Read My Lips! No New Captioning!”

“I can’t actually read the lips of Gio Savarese or any of the players when they are behind a mask,” stated Randall Ely. “So it’s basically impossible for me to consume any team content.”

For his part, Merritt Paulson decried Ely’s complaint as, “incredibly entitled and thinking little of the hard working staff that I employ.”

Paulson went on to say, “LISTEN TO ME, HEARING IMPAIRED PEOPLE. NO NEW CAPTIONING. If you complain about this further than I will ensure that we mandate all players and coaches to wear masks forever so you will never be able to watch a Timbers produced video again and understand what is going on.”

For his part, Ely says that he’s given up watching any videos that involve interviews with players, coaches, ownership or tactical breakdowns as they infrequently if ever have any captioning.

“I guess they just don’t want me as a fan,” stated Ely.

“GODDAMN RIGHT YOU ENTITLED COMPLAINERS,” stated Paulson, according to sources.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson takes on the elderly by removing elevators in the stadium.

Detroit Footwork And Chicago Goa-Psytrance FC Issue Challenge To Chicago House Athletic Club For Control Of The 2021 NISA Dancefloor

NISA clubs Detroit Footwork and Chicago Goa-Psytrance FC issued a challenge to new team Chicago House Athletic Club for control of the 2021 NISA dancefloor during the upcoming season.

Chicago House

“We will cut shapes and then we will cut them down,” stated Detroit Footwork owner David “DJ Lights” Henderson. “They will know us by our rhythm and our base and our innovative 4-3-2-1 that provides width with our fullbacks.”

Sources indicate that Goa-Psytrance FC are channeling body transcendence via ancient shamanic rituals and sampled verses from the songs of Lorna Cordeiro while experimenting with a holding midfielder that who constantly produces a game rhythm that never drops.

“We will control the 1s, the 2s and even the number 9s,” stated head coach Steven “DJ Konkan Enlightenment” Smith. “Our beat comes from the idea of the Surpavo and the Konpavo reinterpreted through distorted zen koans that are then re-interpreted through a modern holding midfielder. This midfield, just by virtue of his play, will question the opposing defense to dance.. or to not dance… and if dancing to put up ones hands.”

The supporters groups of the three teams indicate that there will be a supporter driven competition, as well, as they pushed the front offices of their teams to respect the genre and the game.

“The teams have agreed to a 32 bar moment of silence for Daft Punk at the start of each derby game,” stated SG member Philip Valenzuela. “If you read our manifesto posted to our di.fm page you will see that we’ve asked for referees to be outfitted with pacifier shaped whistles for their own safety and to enforce red cards for dropping the beat. We have our differences with each other. but I still believe that glowsticks are an affectation that we do not need in this league and that has nothing to do with me being pegged in the face with a glowstick on string during the last meeting of our two teams.”

Despite their differences, the groups announced a community dance off to celebrate the new derby as the supporters from all three teams agree to a simmering détente over the Electro-Industrial sounds of Wumpscut.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Goa-Psytrance FC claim that the Detroit Footwork contacted David Guetta to play their opening game instead of Jlin.

Supporter's Group Veteran Announces Retirement From Section In Order To Focus On Relentlessly Criticizing Supporters Groups From Afar

WASHINGTON - D.C. United supporters group veteran Ralph Edmonds announced his retirement from the supporters group section in order to focus the rest of his years on relentlessly criticizing the supporters groups from afar.

“I’m announcing my retirement from the section,” stated Edmonds to his 1,300 follower Twitter account. “And my first act as a venerated elder is to announce that I find that the supporters section no longer has the level of effort, intensity, energy or direction that will support my support and that I could see it coming and I told all the guys who built this thing that it is way worse than it was when we were 20.”

Sources indicate that Edmonds has slowly transitioned into a nostalgic grouch who only can view todays situation through the rose tinted glasses of his early 20s when he roamed a RFK stadium with the swagger that only the truly uninformed in life can give.

“I don’t know what these kids are doing, but back in my day we didn’t sit there on a cellphone,” stated Edmonds as he ranted like his father used to do to him. “We had drum circles in the rain, man. None of this corporate Audi shtick. There hasn’t been a good T.I.F.O display since 1999 and I don’t have a good picture of that one so you’ll have to believe me.”

Treating his grudge against the current youth like a job, Edmonds reportedly castigated the people running things as being, “clueless and not as passionate as we were,” while simultaneously slamming the ownership of United as being, “only interested in money and profiting off the legacy of the old supporters.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edmonds criticizes the songs sung in the supporters group that he attempted to help get going 20 years ago as being unoriginal.

Excitement For 2021 Kit Reveal Tempered By Year Long Pandemic Related Unemployment

Portland, OR - The excitement of a new kit for Timbers fan Katherine Hart was reportedly tempered by the year long pandemic related unemployment that she suffered.

“I’ve been living off top ramen, and I had to negotiate with my lender on my car payments, but I DO like some of the new details,” stated Hart to The Nutmeg News.

A full time personal trainer, Hart has been unable to return to full time employment since early 2020 as she was forced to move out of her apartment, move in with her parents spare bedroom, and try to start a remote training service on zoom.

“Sure I don’t really have $130 to spend on a new kit, but it’s the excitement of a new season that indicates that theoretically I could spend $130 if I actually had a job,” stated Hart.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hart indicates that she’s hopeful that she’ll be getting back to work and after saving for a deposit and first/last month to move in she’ll be able to consider getting to a game in 2022.

Toronto F.C. Claim A Successful Launch Of Their Previously Unannounced Fan To Fan Connection Service

TORONTO - Toronto F.C. claimed a successful launch of their previously unannounced fan to fan connection service as they sent their entire fanbase the seemingly private details of other fans in the T.F.C. season ticket account list.

“During this time in COVID it’s important for all of us to feel together,” stated T.F.C. disaster relief expert Ralph Anderson. “We thought that we would take all the information of our fans that rightly belongs to us and distribute it piecemeal to the larger fan group so that everyone could spend their time writing each other letters and getting in contact.”

Sources within the team indicate that this is all, now, a part of a much larger and later to be released campaign for the Ontario club who will be releasing details of the fan to fan connection service at a later time.

“Just imagine that this is like classic Omegle,” stated Anderson to our reporters. “You may get a 34 year old divorced woman in Cabbagetown, a 43 year old plumber St Lawrence or a rap superstar who doesn’t have his address on file with the team for obvious reasons. It’s a great experience and it really illustrates that you are just data that we collect and protect with the intensity of a wet napkin.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the fan to fan connection service results in several restraining orders.

Perserverance Successfully Lands On Mars To Begin First Mission Of Evicting Current Residents For New M.L.S. Stadium

Jezero Crater, Mars - The NASA rover Perseverance successfully landed on Mars, today, to begin the first mission of evicting current residents of the red planet for a new M.L.S. stadium.

“PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS. THIS IS AN EVICTION NOTICE, GATHER YOUR BELONGINGS AND LEAVE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE A PREMIUM SEAT LICENSE THERE ARE EXCELLENT SEATS STILL AVAILABLE WITH OUR HIGHLY RATED MARS UNITED F.C. CUSTOMER SERVICE GROUP. PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS.”

Residents of the Mars assisted living facility ZY3$ff 38 were informed by a loud speaker strapped to the top of Perseverance that they had 30 days to vacate in order to make way for a new parking lot for Mars United F.C.

"I've lived here for 83 chromoclons," stated HAAAA^^$Nd Reynolds. "And now there is a Pink Berry on the corner, a we-work space and an advertisement for Mars United F.C. season tickets. I don’t recognize my old neighborhood anymore. This is why we were hiding from you all this whole time.”

Executives for Mars United F.C. admitted that the situation would have some push back.

“We know it’s unpopular, but this parking lot is extremely important to having a delightful game day experience for Mars United F.C. We will work with the residents on a solution for their sacrifice at some point, but we have already offered them vouchers for 10% off select clay earthen pots from Williams Sonoma if they move out in 10 days instead of 30.”

Sources indicate that Mars United F.C. remain bullish on their upcoming stadium situation as people in the know stated, “The location is incredible, and closer to the respective planets of our fans to allow more access to fans coming in from out of galaxy.”

"We have a certain kind of demographic we want to capture on Mars and it's important to make it easy for them to attend games at the stadium,” stated Mars United F.C. co-owner Ion Tiriac.

The Nutmeg News will have more as Mars United F.C. asks F.C. Cincinnati if you really have to talk to the residents or if you just ignore their Facebook group will they go away.

Ted Cruz Transferring From Austin F.C. To Cancún F.C. Pending Physical

Cancún, Mexico - Right winger Ted “the senator” Cruz was reportedly spotted by a number of eager online sleuths departing to Liga de Expansión side Cancún F.C. as his transfer is pending depending a physical.

“Cruz is looking for a new beginning somewhere warm,” stated one insider source. “The owner of Cancún F.C. insulted his wife and his father so Cruz immediately pledged his undying love to the team.”

Sources indicate that the deal contains several non-extradition contract details in case of criminal prosecution as Cruz reportedly attempts to protect himself, however rumors keep swirling that the overall deal might be stalled.

“Cruz showed up and claimed he was heading home,” stated one local source. “Then he said that he would only stay if Cancún F.C. built a wall to protect his house from anyone that might see him. Then he said that he would only stay if all the players on the team stated that they hated his guts. It’s a very confusing time.”

Operating as a spokesman for himself, Cruz emailed our reporters decrying the leaks in the media stating, “We didn’t intend for there to be a transfer saga in the middle of a statewide tragedy, but my stupid kids couldn’t keep their mouths shut. I wanted to stay in Austin but my in laws are so miserable. They are really the worst. Definitely high on my list of all my relatives I hate The only way this could be any worse for me is if I was stuck back in the living hell I created back home. SMELL YOU LATER, LOSERS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a shivering resident of Fredericksburg keeps reminding himself that all of this is preferable to socialism and… anyway… this weather just shows that global warming is a myth.