Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson exploded at the deaf and hard of hearing communities as he slammed them for being entitled complainers as members of the community requested captioning on videos released by the team for the 186,000,000,000th time.
“Read My Lips! No New Captioning!”
“I can’t actually read the lips of Gio Savarese or any of the players when they are behind a mask,” stated Randall Ely. “So it’s basically impossible for me to consume any team content.”
For his part, Merritt Paulson decried Ely’s complaint as, “incredibly entitled and thinking little of the hard working staff that I employ.”
Paulson went on to say, “LISTEN TO ME, HEARING IMPAIRED PEOPLE. NO NEW CAPTIONING. If you complain about this further than I will ensure that we mandate all players and coaches to wear masks forever so you will never be able to watch a Timbers produced video again and understand what is going on.”
For his part, Ely says that he’s given up watching any videos that involve interviews with players, coaches, ownership or tactical breakdowns as they infrequently if ever have any captioning.
“I guess they just don’t want me as a fan,” stated Ely.
“GODDAMN RIGHT YOU ENTITLED COMPLAINERS,” stated Paulson, according to sources.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson takes on the elderly by removing elevators in the stadium.