Jezero Crater, Mars - The NASA rover Perseverance successfully landed on Mars, today, to begin the first mission of evicting current residents of the red planet for a new M.L.S. stadium.
“PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS. THIS IS AN EVICTION NOTICE, GATHER YOUR BELONGINGS AND LEAVE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE A PREMIUM SEAT LICENSE THERE ARE EXCELLENT SEATS STILL AVAILABLE WITH OUR HIGHLY RATED MARS UNITED F.C. CUSTOMER SERVICE GROUP. PLEASE VACATE THE PREMESIS.”
Residents of the Mars assisted living facility ZY3$ff 38 were informed by a loud speaker strapped to the top of Perseverance that they had 30 days to vacate in order to make way for a new parking lot for Mars United F.C.
"I've lived here for 83 chromoclons," stated HAAAA^^$Nd Reynolds. "And now there is a Pink Berry on the corner, a we-work space and an advertisement for Mars United F.C. season tickets. I don’t recognize my old neighborhood anymore. This is why we were hiding from you all this whole time.”
Executives for Mars United F.C. admitted that the situation would have some push back.
“We know it’s unpopular, but this parking lot is extremely important to having a delightful game day experience for Mars United F.C. We will work with the residents on a solution for their sacrifice at some point, but we have already offered them vouchers for 10% off select clay earthen pots from Williams Sonoma if they move out in 10 days instead of 30.”
Sources indicate that Mars United F.C. remain bullish on their upcoming stadium situation as people in the know stated, “The location is incredible, and closer to the respective planets of our fans to allow more access to fans coming in from out of galaxy.”
"We have a certain kind of demographic we want to capture on Mars and it's important to make it easy for them to attend games at the stadium,” stated Mars United F.C. co-owner Ion Tiriac.
The Nutmeg News will have more as Mars United F.C. asks F.C. Cincinnati if you really have to talk to the residents or if you just ignore their Facebook group will they go away.