"This Is The Healthiest Relationship With Soccer I've Had In Years," States Man Depressed By Literally Everything Else

From deep underneath his weighted blanket and soothing white noise machine, soccer fan Harper Williams stated, “this is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years,” as Williams admitted he was relived to find his anxiety and paralyzing depression were not just linked to the wins and losses of a sports team.

“Typically I think that I need to make certain I’m keeping track of my overall mood and ability to slip into a depression based upon the things that happen over the course of a season,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “However, this time it’s apparent that whether we win or whether we lose… whether we have a great centerback or a winger that can’t complete a pass, that we are all going to suffer the horrifying paralytic crushing depression of watching your friends and family exhibit their near fatal obsession with flouting medical, political and scientific mandates because they want to shop at a Wal-Mart and drink at a bar despite the deaths of over 300,000 of their fellow denizens.”

Williams indicated that this wasn’t something he realized immediately at the start of the year, but was the biproduct losing faith in literally every facet of his family and societal structure as he became aware of what people were doing around him due to the excessively long time that he was alone this year.

“I watched my friends deny that there was a pandemic, become sick and then spread it around. I watched others become Trump supporters and start talking about Q-spiracies. To paraphrase the poet, I’ve seen the best minds of my generation show themselves to be petty, horrifyingly short sighted human beings who don’t really give a shit about anything other than their own wallet and experiences. It makes that 1-1 draw with those red cards that weren’t given pretty meaningless. I’ve really been able to enjoy games this year because I can’t hit bottom after a loss.”

In an attempt at severely over-exaggerated cheerfulness, Williams stated that he wasn’t bad all the time, but that it would creep up upon him as an anxious itching begging to ruin his day with thoughts about how awful everything was.

“I said it before, but this really is the healthiest relationship with soccer I’ve had in years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams has a paralyzing nightmare about being in a city square with people walking about him and no way to protect himself.

MLS Parler Account Not Doing As Well As Planned

INTERNET - Sources with Major League Soccer indicate that their attempt to interact with all people from all political convictions is failing as the Parler account set up for the league is not doing as well as planned.

Parler, the social media site for extreme right/authoritarian conservatives who have lost their mind, was considered another social media presence for MLS as the league searched for another way to reach out to conservatives and bring them into soccer.

“We wanted to make big strides with the conservative demographic but it turns out they are really weird,” stated one anonymous source. “It’s… well… it’s gone poorly.”

A post to the social media service to promote MLS Cup, last weekend, was met with a barrage of comments demanding to know if the league was a communist agent fueled by the animate corpse of Che Guevara, and taking republican children into the under-verse to teach non-traditional gender roles, love of ethnic foods that are fronts for Muslim fundamentalists who don’t say Merry Christmas, and subservience to Karl Marx, who is still alive and teaching there.

“Q told Steve who told Linda who told Dave who told @BigLieOpenSky who deciphered the riddles by connecting the 3rd letter from every Trump tweet that you can take your commie ball and stick it with your marxist black lives matters up your libral media ass, Crew to win and defeat Seattle Antifa Rioters,” stated one Parler account to the MLS post trying to encourage fans to predict the game score.

An account attributed to USMNT soccer player Geoff Cameron asked people to consider that Major League Soccer would be a gateway to young people learning about the basic philosophies of conservatives as he argued that the league could have a, “Women belong in the kitchen, and White Men created the world,” night.

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS prepares for their next barrage of comments after making a post supporting the Black Players for Change.

Anthony Precourt Celebrates Columbus Crew Win By Planning To Screw Additional Group Of Fans

Austin, TX - Carpetbagging shithead Anthony Precourt celebrated the MLS Cup win by the Columbus Crew by planning to screw additional groups of fans, in the future.

“I guess you can say I’m a bit of an anti-hero,” stated Precourt into a silver plated hand mirror. “Adversity makes people more motivated. You can now see the full scope of my work, my… yes… MY masterpiece. I can’t wait to do the same with my new team.”

Precourt indicated that he found it really hard to disassociate his work in making the Crew painful to enjoy with their MLS Cup victory

“This just made me realize that I should do the same things to Austin FC because they’ll win the MLS Cup after,” stated Precourt. “After I sigh a terrible television deal, cut staff, let the stadium decline, and exploit an additional loophole to move the team to San Diego… well…. First they are going to suffer.... but after I'm gone... It'll be championship after championship. I’m doing them a FAVOR, you see.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Anthony Precourt starts planning for the future “Save Austin FC” campaign.

Major League Soccer Awards MLS Cup To Atlanta United Anyway

Columbus, OH - Despite the result of MLS Cup 2020, Commissioner Don Garber indicated that Major League Soccer would be awarding MLS Cup to Atlanta United.

“We awarded Atlanta United the cup because they won it in the last 3 years,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. "Based on Rule 30324, they get the Cup if they don’t make the playoffs.”

Sources indicate that MLS executives made the call after forecasting that the ratings for the game would not break the Verzuz battle between Ashanti and Keyshia Cole.

“Look, at some point we just need to award it to the club with one of the biggest followings and… well… you know what? Screw it. We don’t have to explain shit. SUCK IT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Awards the Player Of The Year to Cristiano Ronaldo.

American Outlaws Thankful They Saved Prepared Statement From The Last Few Racist Incidents

Omaha, NE - The spokesman for the American Outlaws stated that he was, “TOTES THANKFUL, BRO,” that he saved the statement the organization used from the last few racist incidents that the group has had from the people who patronize its ranks.

“Saved me a lot of time, bro,” stated Connor “MURICA LOVER” McGee. “I just changed what I needed to change and did the usual thing where I put the onus on other groups that aren’t affiliated with the national organization, made a non-apology apology and made claims about being inclusive. Really saved me time to go off having some AMERICAN beers.”

Sources with the group indicate that the group drafted a formal statement they could reuse after the numerous times targeted racial slurs were heard in the Outlaws section with AO members singing, “build a wall, mow my lawn, and the Stole My Sombrero,” songs.

“Look, we need to have some kind of statement ready,” stated one anonymous source. “You never know when someONE and we don’t KNOW if they are a member, but some LONE WOLF UNAFFILIATED PERSON STANDING ADJACENT TO AO hangs a blue line flag and starts shit talking Black Lives Matters. We can’t appear racist even if we seem to attract racist fans like flypaper. It was only a matter of time before our fans ability to hate anyone that even remotely looks Mexican transformed into hating Black Lives Matter.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as AO prepares for the next scandal.

Houston Dynamo Fan Confident That Re-Designed Logo Will Replace Production Of Mauro Manotas

Houston, TX - Houston Dynamo fan Steven Williams stated that he was confident that the newly re-designed Houston Dynamo logo will be able to replace the production of star forward Mauro Manotas who was recently sold to Club Tijuana.

“You watch, they can put that logo on the field and it’ll start banging in the goals,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “This is a lateral move at WORST. We are gonna see some real production from this logo.”

Other Dynamo fans remain concerned that the Dynamo don’t have a real plan to build a competitive roster and will likely cheap out on buying additional players until they become so irrelevant that there are concrete rumors about them moving to New Orleans.

“I can fully believe that they would do this and yet I still can’t believe we are here,” stated Dynamo fan Paul Hernandez. “I guess trying for the wooden spoon is being ambitious in a direction of some kind.”

For his part, Williams stayed positive about the situation as he stated, “Logos are the biggest signing a team can make, it can change the outcome of a season. I don’t have any good examples I just know it’s true. There’s a reason why they called Jerry West the Logo. Just you wait, I’m going with logo for golden boot.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Dynamo consider signing Own Goal to bolster their squad.

UEFA Announces Intergalactic Tournament With Galactic Federation Clubs

Nyon, CH - Aleksander Čeferin, president of UEFA, announced a new intergalactic Champions League Tournament with soccer clubs from the Galactic Federation.

“We extended the olive branch and offer clubs from Canis Major, Adromeda, Cosmos Redshift 7, Hoag’s Object, and the Little Sombrero Galaxy to bring their clubs to Earth in order to participate in the Intergalactic Champions League, brought to you by Slurm,” stated Čeferin. “Teams from the Tadpole Galaxy, the Southern Pinwheel Galaxy and the Wolf-Lundmark-Melotte Galaxy will need to advance through qualifications to reach the Intergalactic Champions League.”

Sources indicate that representatives of the teams from Bode’s Galaxy were exceptionally upset about their rankings coefficient that indicated their teams were not strong enough to join the UEFA Intergalactic Champions League tournament.

“⏁⊑⟟⌇ ⟟⌇ ⏃⋏ ⏃⏚⌇⍜⌰⎍⏁⟒ ⏁⍀⏃⎐⟒⌇⏁⊬! ⍜⎍⍀ ⏁⟒⏃⋔⌇ ⌰⟟☍⟒ ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇ ⏃⋏⎅ ⏃327 ⎍⋏⟟⏁⟒⎅ ⎅⟒⌇⟒⍀⎐⟒ ⏃ ☊⊑⏃⋏☊⟒ ⏁⍜ ⌿⌰⏃⊬ Manchester United,” stated the representatives from Bode’s Galaxy.

For their part, representatives from Earth’s Major League Soccer were reportedly infuriated as they, too, were not invited to participate, however as Čeferin stated, “If we were not going to invite ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇, then we certainly aren’t going to invite the Seattle Sounders. At least ⊑⏃⏃⎐⍜⍀⎅'⌇ ⍙⏃⋏⎅⟒⍀⟒⍀⌇ beat ⍀⟟☌⟒⌰ ⚏ ⎍⋏⟟⏁⟒⎅ 2-0 at the Estadio ⏃⟟⍀ ⟟⌇ ⏃ ⌿⍀⟒☊⟟⍜⎍⌇ ☊⍜⋔⋔⍜⎅⟟⏁⊬.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as representatives from TGSS J1530+_1049 ask whether or not Earth has Promotion/Relegation.

New England Revolution One Win Away From Chance To Lose In MLS Cup Again

Foxborough, MA - Players and fans with the New England Revolution admit that they are keen to keep up the traditions of the club as they realized they are only one win away from a chance to lose in MLS Cup again.

“Oh god, I didn’t know if I would ever have a chance to see this day,” stated Revolution fan Tom Evans. “My dad talks about finishing second in 2002, 2005, 2006 and 2007, but I didn’t think that I’d get a chance to talk about this to my children.”

Players were reportedly eager to have a chance to finish second in the league as they talked about upholding the traditions of the team.

“Just like the glory days of Taylor Twellman we rise to the heavens and get really close before ultimately failing,” stated one anonymous player. “It’s OUR time to shine a little dimmer than the Champion. Our time to be in second place and our time to really put our stamp on the legacy of the New England Revolution.”

Insiders indicate that the rallying cry of this Revolution team has been, “FOR TWELLMAN,” before rushing the field to attempt to finish second again as they explained that all their work this season has built to this crux moment.

“We are one win away! ONE WIN AWAY FROM SECOND PLACE!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Revolution worry about their ability to do just enough and not too much.

Utah Royals Fan Attempts To Pick Up Discounted Royals Player During Holiday Sale

Salt Lake City, UT - Utah Royals fan Jennifer Anders stated that she was looking into picking up some of the discounted Royals players during the current Utah Royals Holiday Sale.

“I narrowly missed out on acquiring Kelley O’Hara from the Royals,” stated Anders to The Nutmeg News. “I’m looking at acquiring a few extra players for Christmas as gifts to some of the soccer fans in my life.”

With news that the Royals are currently sending players off for cheap this holiday season, it inspired Anders to look towards this as an option during the Holiday season.

“What better gift is there than the gift of an actual Royals player,” stated Anders. “While, yes, it may indicate the complete collapse of the team as they hurtle towards the oblivion created by Del Loy Hansen…. on the other hand how many times can you acquire USWNT defenders for dirt cheap. It’s practically a steal!”

Anders also indicated that she is looking into whether she can just acquire the team as a whole as the Holiday Sale offers deep discounts.

“If they would just throw in free shipping on the team…. oh… wait… no… No… let’s not have free shipping on that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as bargain shopper C. Long attempts to enter the promo code ROYALS2020 to look at the free shipping option.

Supporters Exclusive Inside Source Is Fan Liaison

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders supporter Kerry Williams finally revealed, today, that his long protected exclusive inside source is Sounders Fan Liaison Beth Andrews.

“Oh…. INDEED…. that IS some juicy news about group ticket sales for 2021.”

“I have all the inside scoop on the team,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “Whenever anyone needs investigation done, I go to my insider knowledgebase by talking to the fan liaison. They don’t just talk to everyone you know.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Ms. Andrews who stated, "Part of my job is to talk to everyone about their concerns."

However, that didn't stop Williams from claiming that Andrews gave him the exclusive inside scoop on ticket deals and insider team news over the last two seasons that he has been a season ticket holder.

“Nobody else knew that the season ticket gift would include a team schedule or that our best player would be re-signing with us. I didn’t see anyone talking about that before I did. I’m very close with the team so it makes sense.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams teases some upcoming news about the coaching negotiations when his source finally gets back to him about that.

Montreal Impact Test Positive For The FC Virus

MONTREAL - Despite their best efforts to quarantine over the last 27 years, it was leaked to the press, today, that the Montreal Impact tested positive for the FC Virus.

“We couldn’t believe it,” stated owner/operator Joey Saputo. “We’ve been taking this virus very seriously, but it seems like every other team in North America, we suddenly are FC.”

Sources indicate that the virus must have started infecting the organization months or even years ago as it spread throughout the front office of the Impact before they finally tested positive

“This is a warning to other teams, you’ll enjoy your life like nothings happening and next thing you know you have the FC virus,” stated one anonymous source with Montreal FC. “I’m looking at you New England, acting like nothing is wrong. Don’t think this is a hoax! You could be Boston FC, tomorrow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as local residents attempt to inoculate themselves against the FC Virus

American Buys VPN Service In Order To Search "Football" Without Getting NFL Results

Atlanta, GA - Soccer fan Dale “Puzzy” Sanders finalized his purchase of a personal home VPN service for his phone and computer so that he could connect to an England endpoint and search “football” without getting NFL results.

“I got made fun of at the local Chelsea bar for saying soccer, and since then I’ve been trying to get my friends to realize that it’s called FOOTball, mate,” stated Sanders to The Nutmeg News “We can’t let the NFL continue ruining this beautiful word.”

Sanders indicated that his efforts to rebrand his consciousness and vocabulary ramped up when he started following local side Atlanta United.

“I hate when I search up ‘Atlanta Football’ and get the Falcons,” stated Sanders. “That’s the wrong resident of Mercedes Benz Stadium. I want the other proper football team that’s disappointing this year. I didn't start following football to get it confused with football because I refer to it as football."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanders realizes that even searching Atlanta Football from London gives Atlanta Falcons’ results.

Cyber Monday Kit Purchase Of Cult Player Guaranteed To Not Immediately Backfire

Soccer fan Heather Williams stated that she was absolutely certain that her Cyber Monday kit purchase was guaranteed to not immediately backfire as she selected a personalized kit with a delivery date of December 18th.

Guaranteed to get you one nod from “that guy” at the game that you recognize but don’t actually know who knows everything about the teams from four years ago but not from 10 years ago.

“Yeah, so, I had to customize the jersey because they weren’t a player option,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I’m VERY confident that there’s no way they get traded while this thing ships.”

Friends state that Williams slavish devotion to outcasts and fringe players lead to a varied kit collection of players that are now on their third team from the time when she acquired their kit.

However, Williams was adamant that this time there wasn’t an issue.

“I know that the ownership group is going to value their contribution, this time,” stated Williams. “Some people think that I’m stupid for doing this but I know that there’s no way this is going to immediately backfire on me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS, the NWSL, the USL and the NPSL lets everyone know there’s only 24 hours left for the Cyber After Monday sale

Owner John Ingram Celebrates Nashville SC Inaugural Season By Creating A Literal Moneyball

Springfield, NJ - Nashville SC Co-owner John Ingram reportedly celebrated the inaugural Nashville SC season by creating an actual soccer ball made of money to reflect the Moneyball nature of his team.

“We nearly spent the least and we made the most,” stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. “I can’t wait for season three and four when we raise prices incrementally across the board.”

The son of billionaire Martha Ingram, John R. Ingram was pivotal in ensuring the creation of the team in Nashville and empowered general manager Mike Jacobs to employ the moneyball strategy that they used effectively during 2020.

“We’re not gonna spend like Atlanta, Miami, Toronto or Seattle despite having the literal financial backing to do that,” stated Jacobs. “We may have a bunch of billionaires, but we are going to spend like millionaires.”

Ingram reportedly spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to commission his Moneyball that he will display in a trophy room at his second vacation home.

“This Moneyball will be an indication of all the hard work involved in scouting and keeping our costs low,” stated Ingram. “Long may the Moneyball live.”

The Nutmeg News will have more when it turns out that the Moneyball is composed entirely of $1 bills.

MLS Fan Buys Advent Calendar Pre-Loaded With 25 Reasons To Hate Their Own Team

Major League Soccer fan Andrew Reynolds decided on a new gift for the upcoming holiday season as he purchased an Advent Calendar pre-loaded with 25 reasons to hate his own team, packaged with a candy to soften the blow.

This will probably help you get through the calendar.

“There’s things that I completely forgot about,” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News. “Every day is a new surprise and reason to question why I willingly support this team!”

The MLS Advent Calendar is, reportedly, a calendar derivative of the popular 25 gins of Christmas where each day you open up a window to a new surprise.

According to the Rand Corporation (manufacturer of the calendar) each day will remind fans of the utterly dumb, racist, sexist and insulting tragicomedies that cover the full expanse of the modern supporters experience.

“Day 13 is the time when the general manager racially insulted the entire nation of Bolivia…. or was it Peru… I can’t remember,” stated Reynolds.

“I really enjoyed day 8 where the calendar reminded me that our supporters group leader used merch money on paying his own bills. That one came with a peanut butter cup. Day 3 was the membership council election that devolved into petty attacks and private facebook groups dedicated towards voter campaigning. Day 10 was the time that we found out that the owner financially supported Gay and Lesbian conversion camps and Day 11 was the time when it turns out that, on Facebook, a good number of anonymous fans of the team supported those same camps. Day 23 was the reminder of the time when the Owner intentionally tried to take out the supporters group by banning groups of people he didn’t like. Day 16 was the time when the acting manager criticized the fans for not being loud as the reason why the team lost. Day 4 was a reminder of the time when a bunch of new fans showed up to a friendly and made national news by yelling racial and homophobic slurs on camera. Day 14 was the time when the front office moved the supporters group, without asking anyone, into the full sun part of the stadium.”

And Reynolds indicated that the best was yet to come as he stated, “The final day was really well done reminding me that my team actively covered up harassment. I had a moment where I asked when that happened and I realized it hasn’t happened, YET. Great thing to end the calendar on as we go into next year.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS fans preorder the MLS New Years Ball that recites all the problems their team will have going into 2021.

Orlando City Announce Buy One - Infect One Playoff Ticket Deal

Orlando, FL - With the global pandemic continuing to rage on and deaths from COVID-19 at their highest peak since early May, Orlando City Soccer Club announced a Buy One - Infect One playoff ticket deal.

Turns you that you can also watch it on TV.

“We know that cases are on the rise everywhere and that Orange County has had more than 6,016 cases within the past 14 days with the median age being 35 years old, but THIS IS THE PLAYOFFS BABY,” stated the OCSC director of ticketing. “It’s time to get into the supporters section and stand shoulder to shoulder to cheer on, loudly, the boys in purple. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. LITERALLY! This might be your only time to see the team in the playoffs before you or someone you love is intubated.”

Sources with the front office say that the team is taking appropriate steps such as cancelling the OCOxygen Bar and attempting to pretend like they are going to force fans to sit far away from each other.

“We’re excited to announce that you can not only get a ticket to the upcoming home game, but you can also infect a friend with COVID as well,” stated on OCSC source. “It adds to the excitement of the playoffs. This whole thing takes win or go home to a new level!”

Legal advisers for The Nutmeg News noticed that on the back of the ticket there is a 100000 word contract saying that they aren’t liable for anyone that you infect and they also can’t promise a ticket if the government steps in and finally closes teams from having fans in the stands.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as OCSC offers fans a 1% off a 2021 hat if they get infected at any game.

MLS Announces LAFC As The 2020 Champion*

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that Los Angeles Football Club was their 2020 Champion*

*(of teams that should be champion).

“When you look at the season as a whole,” stated Commissioner Don Garber, “we feel that LAFC were the best team that weren’t the best team but were also the best team overall, on paper.”

Sources indicate that writers and editors with Major League Soccer would present a 2 months series to illustrate exactly why this lineup and roster were the best* in Major League Soccer despite their recent playoff exit.

“I don’t think you can mark down the performance in a one off playoff game as an indication of their greatness,” stated one anonymous source. “But I also don’t think you can look at their performance over the season an indication of their greatness either. Their greatness really comes from perceived greatness, which is the greatness of a champion.”

With LAFC finishing the season seventh in the west, and knocked out of the quarter finals of the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament, the team collected their 2020 Championship* from the league with ready arms.

“While the season may not have ended the way we wanted,” stated LAFC coach Bob Bradley. “It’s comforting to know that we are the selection of the league to be the 2020 Chamipons*.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league writes a new article about the upcoming 2021 championship team for LAFC.

Kevin Durant Cutout Suddenly Has New England Revolution Jersey On After Union Elimination

Chester, PA - Sources indicate that a cardboard cutout of Kevin Durant switched from wearing a Philadelphia Union t-shirt to a New England Revolutions jersey after the Union were eliminated on Tuesday night.

How the game started……

“We check our fan submissions very carefully,” stated Union director of Stadium affairs, Brant McKenzie. “So we’re not sure who or what replaced the Kevin Durant cutout. We’re not sure one even existed.”

The cutout of Durant was questioned after the game and stated, “I talked with my agent, and we knew it was a good move for me and my career to cheer for the Revs. I’m ready for the next stage in my MLS fandom.”

Fans were reportedly not shocked in any way by this development as Union fans attempted to rip out the cutouts in an effort to throw them at the Union players as they departed the field.

“I always KNEW he was a Revs guy,” stated Union fan Hank “Sezzie” Cathlen.

The cardboard cutout of Durant had the last word, however, as he took time to let fans know his deep love and appreciation of being a Union fan until the first Revolution goal went in the net.

“I will miss Philadelphia, and the role I have had in cheering this remarkable team. I will forever cherish the relationships within the organization — the friends and teammates that I went to war with in the stands for 26 minutes, and all the fans and people of the community. They have always had my back unconditionally, and I cannot be more grateful for what they have meant to my family and to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Durant asks his agent about Orlando this time of year.

Eliminated TFC Punished By Being Forced To Return To More Functional Country

Hartford, CT - Eliminated Toronto Football Club (TFC) were punished by Major League Soccer by being forced to return to Canada, on Tuesday night.

“They can take their brand of togetherness and solidarity that took them through this pandemic in a remote place far away from their families and go back to their socialist utopia,” stated MLS scheduler Ralph Anderson.

Sources with the league state that they immediately revoked the travel visas of the TFC players as they instructed them to return to the hellscape of Toronto where they can safely watch the United States continue to implode from a significant decay of the faculties of at least 70 million people.

“I say AMERICA…. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT,” stated one Hartford housekeeper as Jonathan Osorio started sprinting for the border as fast as he possibly could. “If these people don’t want to stay around here and watch us argue about whether or not there is a deep state cult that exists to tear down conservative commentators on Twitter in an effort to have hidden sex cults in the basements of pizza places then they can GO!”

“We’re so happy… I mean sad, to leave,” stated one anonymous TFC player. “It was great being in a country being at the brink of collapse, and we understand MLS’ decision to send us back to free healthcare and high taxes that go back to a functioning society that isn’t completely tearing itself apart based upon unsourced and anonymous rumors posted on an image board used by 13 year old edgelords.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Toronto players buy 100 pounds of all dressed chips at a nearby Safeway and blast Drake from their team bus as the players celebrate the return to their country and their families.

Red Bull New York And NYCFC Battle Over Arrival Gate At JFK

NEW YORK - After both teams were bounced from the playoffs on the road, New York City Football Club (NYCFC) and Red Bull New York (RBNY) continued their constant intra-city competition against each other by battling over the arrival gate for their returning airplanes at JFK International Airport.

“THIS TERMINAL IS BLUE,” stated NYCFC fan and terminal agent Jimmie Oliver as he gestured to the returning plane that carried his defeated team.

“THIS TERMINAL AND THE BAGGAGE CLAIM IS RED,” stated RBNY fan and airport Sbarro employee Heather Cook.

Researchers indicate that both teams attempted to wrest control of the jet bridge and gate to prevent the other from establishing a foothold at the airport.

“We MUST control this jet bridge,” stated one anonymous NYCFC executive. “If we control this jet bridge then we will control the baggage handlers and if we control the baggage handlers then we will control the city.”

For their part, RBNY executives were less overt about their attempts to wrest control of the airport from the clutches of their blue adversaries.

“If the airport WANTS soccer, then it knows where we are,” stated one anonymous RBNY staffer. “We feel like we don’t need to advertise our credentials for true fans to know that we exist.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is officially revealed that New York is…. out of the playoffs.