Christen Press To Forgo Making Money In Sweden Due To Fan Demands

Göteborg, Sweden - A remorseful Christen Press announced that she would be returning to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) after receiving a number of imbecilic fan demands on Twitter.

"It was pointed out to me that my main duty in life is to appease the United States super fans that are very, very upset," stated Press at her press conference. "I apologize for attempting to have control of my life and make my own decisions. I admit that Becky from Long Island who said that I was a, 'total diva,' is 100% correct and I will return to the NWSL."

Press was, reportedly, unhappy with a surprise trade to the Houston Dash and took her right as a human being to make her own decision in life and go play in Sweden, a move that angered irrational fans across the United States.

"SHE DOESNT HAVE FREE WILL," stated Jessica Haverdill of Boston, MA. "SHE WILL DO WHAT WE SAY SHE WILL DO. SHE BELONGS TO US. I DEMAND SHE PLAYS IN THE NWSL. I DEMAND THAT SHE PLAY FOR THE DASH. I DEMAND THAT SHE SEND ME HAIR SAMPLES AND CALL ME THREE TIMES A WEEK. I DEMAND THAT SHE CO-AUTHOR MY FAN FICTION THAT STARS HER."

While the Tumblr and Twitter sphere was reportedly full of livid fans who couldn't wait to dump on Ms. Press, some fans think that they may have gone too far.

"These fans are crazy," said one anonymous fan who refused to be identified because they didn't want to receive a  shedload of tweets, emails and attempted doxxing from a tiny portion of the USWNT fanbase that is just completely fucking nuts. "Now you need to understand that they are very miniscule portion of the overall fans of Women's Soccer, but still.... wow. I would love to see her play in the NWSL, but she is her own person. If Christen Press wants to play in Sweden, who am I to tell her no?"

In a strongly worded and acted rebuttal, a Twitter user @PressStan4USWNTMorganLyfe attempted to hack our email accounts and obtain our transcripts with the anonymous fan while simultaneously swearing out a lifetime vendetta for anyone that would not realize that Press belongs in the NWSL and the United States will win the World Cup.

The Nutmeg News.will have more on this as we go into the witness protection program.

"Zlatan Is Old As Shit!" States 38 Year Old Man

Oklahoma City, OK - 38 year old soccer fan Frank Stewart stated, "Zlatan is old as shit!" to friends, on Sunday.

He's practically ancient!

The 36 year old Ibrahimovic signed with LA Galaxy for the rest of the year irritating the 38 year old Stewart who only knows that Zlatan has, "been around forever," and, "Didn't he retire already?"

Friends say that Stewart was irrationally upset that the league would pay an over the hill player so much money to come here and retire. 

"I just can't believe that they are even paying him a million dollars," ranted Stewart to our reporter. "It's ridiculous that some over the hill has been is getting paid anything to join MLS. They need to have the youth come in and get rid of the old legacy players."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart looks for a new job that will pay him what he feels that he is worth as an experienced professional.

Tampa Man Excited To Watch National Team In The 2018 World Cup

Tampa, FL - Tampa native Oscar Todd stated that he was excited to watch the national team in the 2018 World Cup as he looked forward to the opening game where the national team will take on Saudi Arabia.

"I believe that we can take down Saudi Arabia and if they don't take them down we will go get their oil," stated Todd to The Nutmeg News. "All jokes aside, I'm looking forward to see what Cherchesov does with our center backs and whether Miranchuk can actually score."

"I'm a big believer that we will be able to do well at this World Cup," stated Todd to his conspiracy theory subreddit where he frequently writes historical fiction about an alternate world 4th Reich. "I think we have the players, and I think we have the spirit. I'm hoping for a great result."

Todd admitted that he was never really a soccer fan but the chance to combine his extreme patriotism with jingoistic race baiting meant that the World Cup was a perfect opportunity to explore the beautiful game.

"I'm excited to watch the games as they unfold and I plan on covering what this means for my people."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Todd starts on his new fiction post titled, "Global Super Power: the rise of the Russian United States."

"It's Important For Me To Obsessively Follow And Report Every Single Nuance Of Major League Soccer If I'm Going To Show Why You Shouldn't Obsessively Follow This League"

Salt Lake City, UT - Stating, "I refuse to support the cartel of MLS," soccer fan Peter Hill reportedly spent the entirety of the last two years cataloging and belittling the league to further his point that no one should follow Major League Soccer.

Follow my instagram account to learn more about tactics.

"I watched nearly every game this season just so I could make gifs of all the horrible play and pick apart all their so-called talent," stated Hill to The Nutmeg News. "It's important for me to obsessively follow and report on every single nuance of Major League Soccer if I'm going to show why you shouldn't obsessively follow this league."

According to friends, Hill frequently re-tweets league figures, spokesman, and sources from his locked Twitter account so that he can belittle and abuse them privately without fear of getting into a conversation with fans of teams in the Major League Soccer.

"For a guy that doesn't like Major League Soccer he spends an inordinate amount of time tweeting and talking about it," stated good friend Jacob Hughes. "I like Peter, but his online persona is just toxic."

Hill emailed our staff a manifesto indicating why all good soccer fans in the United States should rise up against the shackles of numbing corporate conformity complete with detailed crowd statistics and financial projections for the league failing.

"It's important to know your enemy so I plan to continue doing nothing but talking about the league even though I hate it passionately," stated Hill

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hill experiments with buying merchandise and season tickets from Real Salt Lake so that he can complain about their purchasing methodology, manufacturer and overall lack of authenticity.

MK Ultra Volunteers To Be Capo

Kansas City, KS - Jim "WALDO" Lauderdale, a Sporting Kansas City MK Ultra, reportedly volunteered to be a capo so that he could experiment on his control the crowd and their experiences.

"I BELIEVE

........well, I really don't....."

*CAPO RAISES HANDS*

"OHHHHHH SHIT! I BELIEVE!"

"I'm testing a theory that doses of beer will allow me to impose my will on them and get them to sing whatever I want," stated Lauderdale to The Nutmeg News. "I believe that I can control the crowd. I believe that I can swing them to do what I want. This will be my testing ground."

Declassified information from Lauderdale's blog www.blogspot.tumblr.excite.prodigy.crossfitaddictfroyo4lyfe.com indicate that he would utilize numerous methods to manipulate the crowd's mental state in order to get them to sing louder.

"I plan on staring angrily DIRECTLY into their eyes," detailed Lauderdale in his blog post on 3/18/2018 titled Crowd Manipulation and the Deep, Deep State. "I then plan on using my arms.... and my hands if necessary. I plan on really vigorously using my hands. If hands aren't eliciting the correct amount of passion I plan on engaging my fingers, as well. If my arms fail then I'll use my head or pelvis to control their minds. There's many options that I can utilize to enforce group mind control methodology."

According to supporters who stand in the Cauldron, Lauderdale was repeatedly seen over the last few matches of 2017 scribbling in a notepad and furtively looking around wearing sunglasses regardless of the game time.

"He's a weird guy," stated SKC fan Darren Coleman. "but if he is a Capo I'll follow his.......SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST.SHOTSSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHOTSHTHSOTHSOTHOSTHOST........ok, wait... I blacked out, what was I saying?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lauderdale exerts his willpower over the crowd.

Major League Soccer Announces Zlatan Ibrahimovic Will Be All Star Game Starter And Captain

LOS ANGELES - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that newly signed Galaxy player Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be a 2018 All Star Game Starter and Captain for the game against Juventus.

Jon Shard/LA Galaxy

"Zlatan has impressed everyone with his work rate and commitment to the league over the past few hours. He deservedly made the All Star Game in a secret vote that happened about 30 seconds ago," stated Commissioner Don Garber. "We know that Zlatan will continue to bring excellence to the Galaxy and be a great representative for the league over the next 10 years."

Despite past events cluing fans in that this will absolutely happen, they still managed to be amazed that MLS would do something like this only a few hours after officially announcing the player.

"At the very least they should've made certain he can play ONE game," stated Orlando City fan Mike Guzman. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it happens because it DEFINITELY is going to happen.

LA Galaxy Sign Ibrahimović - Negotiations With Ibrahimovic's Knee Ligaments Still Ongoing

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Galaxy announced, today, that they signed 36 year old Swedish international Zlatan Ibrahimović to a contract. The Galaxy also reported that negotiations with Ibrahimovic's severely damaged ACL and PCL are still ongoing.

We are HEADING TO LA!

"We were able to obtain the man," stated CEO Tim Leiweke. "Now all we have to do is sign his new ligaments."

Reportedly, Zlatan's PCL is holding out for a higher contract rate and more massage time while his ACL gave in on several issues.

"Don't look at me," stated the Anterior Cruciate Ligament (ACL). "I'm not the one holding up the process. That's the job of the PCL. You ask him why he hasn't signed yet."

The Nutmeg News attempted to reach the PCL but we were told that we would need to get permission from Zlatan's tibia, first.

We spoke to Dr. Robert Taylor of the Des Moines Institute of Bone Stuff and he had the following to say, "As long as the subject isn't engaging in any quick and agile movements during a sporting/athletic endeavor they shouldn't suffer any long term issues. I wouldn't recommend soccer, for example, to a client of mine after this surgery."

When asked if he would sign a soccer player to a contract after such an issue Mr. Taylor stated, "I didn't go to four years of medical school to be called Mr," and hung up the phone.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan-mania sweeps across the league.

Area Man Unable To Give Opinion On Anything After Internet Goes Down

Seattle, WA - Area man Jerrod Lietz found that he was unable to give an opinion on anything after his internet went down, on Wednesday.

Ok, does anyone have a phone or tablet I could borrow for this conversation?

Stating, "I'm very certain that...a ....3-4...3? Would... um... um.... I'll.... have to .... um.....look that...um.... nevermind," to friends and strangers at a Sounders meet up, a deep sense of dread settled upon the former historical expert.

Lietz realized, on Wednesday afternoon, that he hadn't paid his bill for his home internet and cellphone leaving him temporarily without a way to seem like the smartest person in the room.

"WAIT, i meant 3-4-2 formation. missing a guy, or no.... that's not right," mumbled Lietz as he realized that he would need to formulate a concept without being able to refer to the internet for his information.

Friends say that the coherent and adroit Lietz spent most of the time on Wednesday evening fumbling around for facts, dates and information on players and events that he was typically quick to reference.

"So, when Sigi hired um.......... his........... I think it was his son, like in 2008? Or was it 2009. Ok, so when we are talking about Assistant Coaches, like if we are talking about Bruce Arena's assistant coaches.... at that time.... and place... and... um.... I mean..... Steve Zakuani was a recipient of that whole thing with the fact that he scored....like.... some goals, or assists, I know.... look I WAS THERE. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED."

Lietz then spent 20 minutes rambling about some fanpost on Sounder At Heart that he made or maybe that he read, or maybe it was on a different blog back in 2010 that would illustrate the current scenario.

"This all tracks back to Sainey Nyassi and how well he played for the Sounders, right? Or was that Senna. Look, I can't be expected to remember those things."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lietz attempts to pay his phone bill using an overdrawn credit card.

Richmond Kickers Fan Revels In Warm Embrace Of Crushing Depression As USL Season Kicks Off

Richmond, VA - Kickers fan Carolyn Burtois stated that she was reveling in the warm embrace of crushing depression as the return of the blues signified another USL Season and another Kickers loss.

Isn't it great to have soccer back?

"I'm very sad and upset about this loss to Bethlehem," stated Burtois to The Nutmeg News. "And I'm very happy to be very sad and upset, as well. It's a complex time for me."

Burtois stated that the return of crushing depression and disappointment is always a sign that soccer has returned as the Kickers attempt to strive towards a return to the USL Playoffs.

"My co-workers knew that soccer was back because I didn't want to talk to anyone on Monday and I just sat there steeping my tea," stated Burtois. "My inability to function normally after a loss and my moody obsession with how the team is doing even one week into the season is a really comforting thing to return to in this time of political insanity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Burtois pulls out her warm sweater that she wears around the apartment every time she needs to pace after a Kickers loss.

Tinder Profile Of Atlanta United Fan Starts With, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week?"

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Josh Williams recently updated the start of his Tinder profile to state, "Did You Know That We Had Nearly 20,000 More Fans Attend Our Game Than Any Other Team This Week," to illustrate the Five Stripes domination in the stands this week.

Even our digital render has more people in it than any other stadium this week.

Reportedly, Williams followed his statement with the quip that he was, "down to chill, have a good time and I like funny movies with Kevin Hart that somehow show that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people than any other crowd this week."

"Did you KNOW that, though," asked Williams to The Nutmeg News. "Did you know that we had nearly 20,000 more fans attend our game than any other team this week? Did you know that? Did you know that we had that many people attend our game this week? I need a woman that understands that as well, the statistics of our crowd. I need one that knows that is the truth."

According to friends, Williams default response to any question is currently, "Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more fans at their game this week than any other MLS team," including the time his brother asked him whether or not he wanted to go to Orlando for a vacation.

"He's just gone off and run with this," stated Jeremiah Williams. "I'm not sure why it happened, but he has all these charts and statistics and keeps talking about attendance records and why it matters."

Sources with the McDonalds on Alabama street indicate that Mr Williams responded to the question of "What can we make for you today," with the response, "and we had the upper bowl closed. If we had the upper bowl opened, we would have shattered that 20,000 mark and really showed the league that we can have double the amount of attendance they have at other locations and I'd like a Big Mac, please."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when everyone starts acknowledging that Atlanta United had nearly 20,000 more people at their game than any other game during week 3.

Search For NWSL Commissioner Ramps Up With Posters, Sketches, And An Exhaustive Craigslist Search

CHICAGO - The search for the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) commissioner ramped up, on Monday, as the league released some sketches and missing person notifications for the position that over one year later still has not been filled

"We realized that our exhaustive search hadn't explored all the possibilities," stated NWSL director of personnel Susan Collins. "We were thinking about recruiters, but then realized that since we were MISSING a commissioner that we should just start with that idea. Like what would you do if you were missing a dog... or a couch... or a vintage gramophone? CRAIGLIST, FLIERS AND WANTED ADS!"

Reportedly, the league tasked some of their amateur players to go around the Chicago neighborhood where the NWSL front office resides and hand fliers out to pedestrians while asking them if they've seen the NWSL Commissioner. While other interns with the league front office reportedly searched for NWSL Commissioners on Craigslist.

"Our exhaustive search for the NWSL Commissioner will leave no stone unturned," stated Collins. "We will do everything in our power to search for the commissioner who we think was called Jeff, or something. Who knows. Either way, we tried yelling out the front door. We tried cold calling people. We even started a Facebook group, but we lost control of that when Christen Press fans decided to turn it into a place to write fan fiction. In the end, we are still looking for a Commissioner, so if you see one.... let us know."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL approaches year 2 of the great Commissioner search.

Race For The Bottom Enthralls Timbers And Sounders Fans

CASCADIA - The competition between Portland and Seattle is building to an early crescendo as the Timbers and the Sounders battled for worst team in the league with both teams firmly rooted to the bottom of the early standings.

Keep scrolling.......... keep scrolling............. keeeeeeeeeeeep scrolling...

THERE THEY ARE!!

"Anyone can win," stated Sounders fan Gloria Evans. "Not everyone can lose. This is Major League Soccer. In this league most teams can win any time they take the field so it takes a special team to be able to lose. We spent the last two years going to MLS Cup and winning so much that it's really nice to have a different goal for 2018. What we are looking for is total capitulation, not domination. Maybe THIS will get some committed people in the supporters groups."

Timbers fans were equally thrilled with the direction of the team from Southern Cascadia as Roger Reynolds from Portland stated, "Damn it feels nice to be back in it and losing again. It's like the old days. Maybe this will knock off a few people from the waiting list, but I'm not holding my breath. Now if they would just bring back all the stuff, promotions and players that I loved from the USL days that no one knows about anymore because it's been 8 years since we last played in that division."

Analyst and former MLS player Clark Stewart stated that he thought both teams had the capabilities to go the distance, this year, as he noted that both teams are getting older and populated with injury prone players and fundamentally flawed defensive/offensive substitutes.

"We could be seeing an all-time competition for worst in the league," stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. "Ultimately what I think happens is that one of the two teams will get better and that will be disappointing to everyone who would like to see Portland and Seattle finish dead fucking last."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one of the two teams wins their next game and their fans immediately claim that they are going to win the league.

"I Won't Cheat On You," Says Married Asshole To Pretty Woman In Bar

Austin, TX - Drunkenly lurching around like a pervert looking for a warm bed, Anthony Precourt reportedly stated, "I won't cheat on you," to Austin, Texas during a particularly flirtatious period of time at an Airport Bar.

"Baby don't you want to have some fun?" stammered Precourt to Austin as he silenced the phone notifications coming from Columbus asking him where he was and if he was ok. "We could have a great time. We could make some money, have some fun, and really get to know each other. I won't leave you."

Friends of Precourt indicate that he previously stated the same thing to Columbus, Ohio before intentionally cheating on them with anyone that would give him the time of day.

"I won't treat you like those other cities. They mean nothing to me. All I can see is you, baby," stated Precourt as he downed another Gin and Tonic. "Baby we can be great together, just give me some land and some tax breaks and I'll make you happy."

When Austin asked if Precourt said the same thing to his wife he reportedly responded with, "She means NOTHING to me. NOTHING. I can only see you. You aren't like those other ones."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Precourt removes his wedding ring in the bathroom before heading back to buy another drink.

"An Army Of Child Slaves To Build Stadiums" Is Just One Of FIFA's Mandates For World Cup Hosts

The international money laundering cartel known as FIFA announced on Thursday that one of their mandates for hosting a future World Cup is to provide, "an army of child slaves to build stadiums."

"You people are always complaining about your children running around," stated FIFA president Gianni Infantino. "Why not put them to work building retaining walls and erecting scaffolding."

According to Amnesty International, the 2022 World Cup was built on the backs and deaths of migrant laborers forced into slave like conditions and FIFA plans on utilizing the same methodology in the United States, Canada and Mexico provided that the nations agree to their abandonment of labour laws.

"We need a workforce that will work for virtually no money in unsafe conditions and be perpetually afraid of their lives and livelyhood if they speak out. Isn't that great?" stated Infantino to The Nutmeg News.

Sources say that the organization was originally going to mask their intent, but decided FUCK IT.... the USA would probably agree to this anyway.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the United States finds a way to cave to these requests as fast as possible.

North Doodletown, New York; La Junta, Colorado; And Foam Lake, Saskatchewan On Shortlist For World Cup Bid Cities

After recent reports indicate that Chicago and Vancouver pulled out of the World Cup bidding cities for the United States and Canada, the host city shortlist, announced today, showed that North Doodletown, New York; La Junta, Colorado; and Foam Lake, Saskatchewan were still in the running to host the world's premier international soccer competition.

Scenic La Junta

"We are proud to show our many hiking trails and scenic ruins to the international community," stated Doodletown mayor Rob Fredrikson. "We know that our Doodletown walking tour would help illustrate why the worlds game should come to North Doodletown."

While many cosmopolitan cities in the United States and Canada pulled out of the bidding process, smaller municipalities, townships and cities are seeing this as their chance to put in their bid.

"We have a water park for the kids, now," stated the mayor of Foam Lake, Carolyn Alberth. "And we have plenty of real estate for any of the international players looking to settle into our city. We are easily accessible right off the Yellowhead Highway and only 237 kilometers to Saskatoon."

Sources from within the joint bid indicate that the larger cities do not see the benefit from hosting the international tournament and the required protocols and rigors of being a host city, but that didn't phase La Junta mayor Raymond Figeroua who stated, "we will just pull some bleachers out from the school gymnasium, that should solve the attendance issues."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more international cities pull out of the joint bid process.

Rec League Roundup: Hipster Shows Up To Soccer Practice With Inflated Pig's Bladder

Des Moines, IA - Citing the purity of the game and the true roll of the ball, resident Iowa hipster Stephen Levinthal showed up for his recreation league soccer practice with an inflated pig's bladder, on Wednesday.

"Why, when you strike this spheroid, you will truly experience the game as it was meant to be played," stated Levinthal to his aghast teammates who had, for the last six months, studiously mocked and then ignored Levinthal's handlebar mustache.

"This is about playing the game to the standards of our original ancestors who played in actual boots on bogs and flooded fields like we have here," stated the wool clad Levinthal as his gesticulated towards the immaculately mowed field marked with pristine white lines.

Friends state that Levinthal's predilection towards vintage soccer went so far as him attempting to switch the team formation to a 1-1-8 and mandate that everyone take a halftime break for tea and absinthe.

"He works as a server architect for a company that does SAAS in the cloud," stated good friend and midfielder Heather Brohm. "But he acts like he is a coal miner in the 1800s. One time he even showed up wearing a hand painted bloused shirt tucked into bloused pants tucked into wool socks. I don't even know where to start."

Teammates indicate that the previous equipment changes hadn't impacted his performance, but that his commitment to wool clothing was going to to be problematic during the summer season.

"HE IS GOING TO DIE," stated good friend Gebrail Frimpong. "When the heat comes around? We will see how good his commitment is then."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Levinthal explains how his tendency towards radical veganism is not impacted by his usage of a pig bladder as a sporting implement given that he only uses found pig bladders from wild game.

Family Formation Shifted For More Offense On Gameday

Ogden, UT - Fighting a decreasing amount of free time on the weekend, the Robertson family shifted their formation from a 3-2-1 to a more proactive 2-3-2 in order to maximize the amount of time they have around Real Salt Lake games on the weekend.

"We are making plans for the weekend, now that it is starting to get nice outside again, and I keep running into the RSL game getting in the way," stated James Robertson. "We started off with an empty bucket formation early in our team formation, transitioned into some zonal marking, moved from that into some man marking, but then Eli was born and we realized that we were going to have to play strictly counter-attacking, low-block, zone defense for some time."

 Friends and family say that the expanding Robertson clan maintained and even expanded their season tickets as the family grew from two members to five members to now 7 members, over the years.

"It's been challenging and we retreated to a more pragmatic approach dealing with our offensive and defensive makeup," stated Stephanie Robertson. "However, we tried to encourage quality on the chores and a pressing system for home work like Sporting Kansas City. When we hit 2018, we knew that we had to transition to Mike Petke's system of playing the kids so we decided to give them more chores."

Sources from within the family claim that father James Robertson decided to reform the formation when the family took in his elderly parents after realizing they had room in their Ogden on-property ADU.

"Well, the weekend of the 30th we need to run to Wallgreens for Grandpa, after which we load up the trailer, watch the first half, SPRINT down to the dump with the truck and shovel it all off and make it back for the last half of the second half and.... wait.. Amanda... you take the dump run and take your Grandma so you can drive on your learners permit. Eli, you will be attacking the gutters on the front of the house, watch the first half, take out recycling and garbage, watch second half, then clean gutters on back part of house. We will have a strength and condition coach here next week to help us work on endurance. And don't get wedded to our 2-3-2 formation with Grandma up top running the truck as a forward press to Deseret as we may be transitioning to a 3-1-1-2 formation. 3 kids hauling leaves, one adult there to support in case they fall apart, and then one adult up top actually doing chores and two grandparents watching television in the living room until they fall asleep."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a player rebellion threatens team unity later in the season.

Solitary Man Enters US Open Cup

Anchorage, AK- Entered as Dave United, Dave Williams of Anchorage, Alaska reportedly made the final entrant list of the 2018 US Open Cup giving the middle management IT networking professional just a few weeks to assemble a team in order to play.

"I'm in," casually stated Williams to friends and family. "I can't wait for the glory of winning the cup!"

Williams realized that being from Anchorage allowed him a geographic isolation that would force teams without a travel budget to forfeit their games against him. He consistently bid for home field advantage and swept through the early rounds of the US Open Cup as an undefeated side before setting a date to play FC Aurora.

"Dave United is a new team for a new world," stated Williams to his Dave United Facebook Page currently liked by only his mother and his friend Paul. "Dave United is bold. Dave United is innovative. Dave United is very, very Dave. People like my mother say that Dave United is THE flagship Anchorage side and we can't wait to bring the cup back to the city."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams considers whether he will let anyone join Dave United that isn't named Dave.

Donald Trump Appoints Ivan Savvidis As MLS Liaison For New Guns On Fields Program

WASHINGTON - President Donald Trump announced, on Tuesday, that he appointed Pan-Thessalonian Athletic Club of Constantinopolitans (PAOK) owner Ivan Savvidis as Major League Soccer (MLS) liaison for his new Guns on Fields program.

"You call that VAR?"

"Ivan is a great guy. Guns are neat. We need more of them to protect us from terrorists and people who aren't white," stated President Trump to The Nutmeg News. "This program is the best. It shows why my poll numbers are greater than Jesus. I might be Jesus. Guns for everyone!"

Department officials with the National Rifle Association say that Savvidis will head up the Guns On Fields program as a way to arm all MLS owners.

"We feel that the only way to stop the incessant violence on the field is if all owners and players are carrying handguns," stated NRA spokesman Ian Michael Douche. "We must arm Merritt Paulson, Robb Heineman, and Arthur Blank with Glock hand guns and AR-15 rifles. More guns on fields, more owners and players with guns will level the playing field against the constant barrage of terrorist attacks and home invasions that our nations soccer fields currently have to suffer from places like Chicago.... a notoriously gun free place."

NRA statisticians say that their plan is to outfit all players and owners in MLS with guns and then move on to arming all MLB and Hockey players. The organization remains tight lipped on whether this program will extend to the NBA.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the check clears.

Dumb In-Joke Scarf Not Selling As Well As Man Anticipated

Portland, OR - A dumb in-joke scarf made to celebrate an inadvertent comment by Timbers fan Jeremy Little was, reportedly, not selling as well as creator Tyler Evans anticipated leaving Evans with a mass quantity of scarf bundles.

More scarfs for the scarf god!

"I thought everyone knew about Ty's yelled aloud statement of, 'Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With,' in section 105 at the end of the 2017 season," stated Evans to The Nutmeg News. "I mean, we went through the mockup phase and no one said that this was a bad idea, well... no one I'd listen to."

Evans created a green and white scarf with the slogan, "Panties And Wins Are Things I'm Down With," on one side and a composite image of an axe with an overlay of women's underwear.

"As God is my witness, I thought everyone saw the hashtag on twitter," stated Evans as he frantically tweeted out another link to the order page. "Everyone wants custom scarves and this was the in-joke of the year with my 10 or so friends that heard Jerm's statement."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans announces he will donate all the proceeds to charity as soon as he has some proceeds.