Despite Excitement Over MLS Cup Win, Sounders Fan Decides To Not Re-Watch Game

Seattle, WA - Despite his excitement over the Seattle Sounders MLS Cup victory, Sounders fan Jerrod Abel decided to not re-watch the game, settling for a replay of the penalty kicks instead.

Pretty much the only exciting part of the game.

"I've already bought a championship scarf, a t-shirt and re-watched the final kick a few times, but honestly... I really don't want to re-watch the game," stated Abel to The Nutmeg News. 

"Look there's absolutely nothing in that 120 minutes of soccer that I need to see again. It's really all about the 5 kicks that we took at the end of all that that makes it worth while."

Reportedly, Abel set his DVR to catch the game and wisely set it to extend in case the game went to extra time. Upon arriving home from the bar after celebrating the victory, he then had to decide if he wanted to keep a copy of the dirge like procession to penalty kicks.

"So far, I've kept it as a memento, but I have no reason to watch it ever again. I'm just leaving it there so I smile when I open my DVR. Eventually I'll probably cave and try to watch it before I delete it from my play list. I just can't imagine wanting to sit through over two hours of that again, when I can just watch the penalty kicks in a few minutes on youtube."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abel decides that all he really needs from the MLS Championship game is the shot of Roman Torres celebrating because Fox didn't cover the shot anyway.

Sounders' Victory Spawns Protests As MLS Supporters Say "Not My MLS Cup Champion"

The Seattle Sounders MLS Cup Victory spawned protests the nation over as supporters congregated upon town squares, residential car parks, boutique salt stores, and artisanal coffee shops to categorically state, "Not My MLS Cup Champion".

"HEY HEY! -- HO HO! -- Seattle Sounders Got To Go!"

"This injustice WILL NOT STAND," stated Kelly Williams of Kansas City. "They don't represent me or my city. I refuse to accept these fascists co-opting our national soccer league!"

After the Sounders victory, supporters group organizers stood up and said they wouldn't take this Cascadian hegemony anymore roundly rejecting the idea of a Seattle Sounders MLS Cup Champion.

"This championship was rigged. There needs to be a recount of the goals," stated Bill Williams of Philadelphia. "This is absolutely a victory organized by the Koch brothers to pay off Joe Roth's cocaine debts to Uruguayan warlords. COUNT THE GOALS! JUSTICE FOR BALDOMERO TOLEDO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on our reports as we have news of a massive rally against Seattle's MLS Cup taking place in Portland.

Battle Of The Phallus: Seattle And Toronto Battle It Out To Determine Exactly Which Side Is The Cock-Of-The-Walk

TORONTO - As the Seattle Sounders and Toronto Football Club prepare for MLS Cup final tomorrow evening, the eyes of two nations are firmly rooted on the battle to determine exactly who is the cock-of-the-walk.

The battle between prickishness and prigishness is joined on Saturday evening, so lets take a look at these sword fighting phallic centered cities to find out what makes their member swell with pride.

BIGGEST PHALLIC SYMBOL IN TOWN:

SEATTLE:

Joe Roth is an option, but even his dickishness pales in comparison to the Space Needle

TORONTO:

The CN Tower is massive and obscures the legacy of Rob Ford, right?

HOW THEY GOT THERE:

SEATTLE:

Firing Sigi Schmid, AMIRIGHT?! HI FIVE FOR FIRING A GUY RIGHT BEFORE LODEIRO GETS INTO THE SIDE AND THEN HEAPING ALL THE PRAISE ON SCHMETZER

TORONTO:

Being perennially awful til your fanbase started dressing in sack cloth and ashes, and then finding the right kind of mojo that will work one year before the whole experiment falls apart next season when Jozy Altidore pulls his hamstring 1 week into the season.

WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY LOSE:

SEATTLE:

FIRE SIGI SCHMID!

TORONTO:

FIRE THE FRONT OFFICE!

MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER:

SEATTLE:

The fans, AMIRIGHT?

TORONTO:

Jozy Altidore's Hamstrings

SCORE PREDICTION: 

3-1

Minnesota United Fan Already Way Too Attached To Players And Staff For 2017

Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United fan Merle Smith admitted that he is already way too attached to the players and staff that are signed to the team as Minnesota United make their way into Major League Soccer.

"LEGEND!

LEEEEEEGGGGGGEEEEEENNNNNDDDDDDD!

Or maybe I'm just too excited for 2017"

"I'm going to remember Venegas and Heath and Davis until I die," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. "I'm so locked into their careers that I'll probably follow them after they leave the team in 15 months for cap space and TAM."

Smith admitted that he understood the lifespan of the average player in Major League Soccer is extremely short, but refused to let the knowledge of their future departure for financial assets dampen his enthusiasm for six months of watching them.

"I'm planning on buying that MLS kit with Davis or Venegas on it so that people know my pre-MLS credentials. Freaking legends, the both of them and we won't forget when they leave for 2018 draft considerations and TAM that we use to spend on an Ecuadorian midfielder that just wont pan out."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith anticipates being overly attached to the assistant coaches, groundskeepers, and season ticket representatives for 2017.

Supporters Groups Thank Don Garber And Major League Soccer For Creating Them

Supporters groups across Major League Soccer (MLS) sent a letter of thanks to Don Garber for creating them, today, as the MLS season came to a close.

The Don stating the truth, because nothing would exist without MLS! NOTHING! CREDIT MUST BE TAKEN, NOT GIVEN.

Leaders from the Empire Supporters Club, Sons Of Ben, Southsiders, Emerald City Supporters, and Timbers Army all sent a letter to Don Garber to thank him for creating them despite all of them pre-dating the league or team that they follow in Major League Soccer.

"We know that Don Garber and Major League Soccer helped create the Southsiders," stated leader James McKenzie. "If it wasn't for Don Garber, we never would have had a vibrant supporters group years before the Whitecaps went to Major League Soccer. Garber reached down with his benevolent touch like a God upon earth and graced us with his vision despite not giving two shits about our team for years until the league realized they could make money off us."

Members of the Empire Supporters Club, whose history pre-dates that of the very league itself, stated that Major League Soccer really helped write all their songs, paint their T.I.F.O, organize their away trips and help in the community as ECS organizer Oscar Gutierrez stated.

"The members of the ESC did nothing, it was all Major League Soccer. They had people who took care of everything. It's almost like we shouldn't have any acknowledgment by the league at all because they did all the heavy lifting. They were there talking about songs, they were there in the stands when it was cold. We should just let them support, because clearly the fans do nothing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer finds more ways to take credit for things that rightfully does not belong to them in any way.

Fan Still Enormously Concerned By The Lack Of Fullbacks On MLS Best 11 List

King Of Prussia, PA - Soccer fan Paulette Navens admitted that she was still enormously concerned by the lack of fullbacks on the Major League Soccer Best 11 list as she took to the internet to ensure that people knew about her outrage on the highly subjective list.

There's no fullbacks? NONE?

SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET IS WRONG!"

"There's no fullbacks on the list and let me tell you why that's a problem 1/32 #MLS #Worst11," stated Ms. Navens in a tweet storm that took the internet by tepid storm. 

By the time that Navens finished her 32 consecutive tweets she admitted that her hope was that her unending righteous indignation would, at least, force the editors and talking heads that put together the MLS Best 11 list to reconsider their, "dangerous infatuation with players on offense."

"I will get them to more accurately condense a list of real world best 11 list of players as would work in a roster," stated Navens online in her 33rd tweet tagged at MLS editors and writers. "This injustice will not stand. It's almost like the editors had fun putting together a subjective list of good players that really means absolutely nothing in the end one way or the other instead of spending days correlating pieces of data that shows exactly who is the best 11 in the league. Granted, I could be doing all sorts of things that would better serve my time, but just like your publication... I like wasting my time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this once we recover from that burn.

Sounders Fan's Travel Tips For Toronto Entirely Cribbed From Anthony Bourdain Special

Seattle, WA - Harold Bording, a Sounders fan and resident of the up and coming North Beacon Hill neighborhood, reportedly gave his friends Jason and Isabella Steward travel, attraction and restaurant tips for the upcoming MLS Cup game that were entirely cribbed from the Anthony Bourdain Toronto special.

"See? I'm in the background of these shots."

"He spoke as though he had some kind of authority on the matter, but Izzie and I realized that he had just cribbed all the recommendations from Bourdain's Layover episode," stated Steward to The Nutmeg News.

"I really didn't know that Harold knew Toronto so well, because he spoke like an expert. Then after a few minutes, I started to get the vague feeling that I'd seen his recommendations somewhere. He even told us to go to Tosho Knife Arts. Who the hell tells someone to go to Tosho Knife Arts on vacation? It's like he just wrote down the episode, visit by visit and then relied on that for information."

TNN reporters caught up with Bording as he was effusively praising the food and culture of Vietnam and Thailand while telling everyone of the various fish markets they should visit there.

Bording reportedly had no comment on the Toronto matter, but told our reporters that if we wanted recommendations so bad for Toronto that he would be glad to email us a list of places to visit including Tosho Knife Arts.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bording tries to find another travel show he can use that tells the sites of Toronto.

Christmas Wish For NWSL Fan Is A Functioning League

Boston, MA - Despite everything she has been through with the Breakers recently, Boston Breakers and NWSL fan Britney Ilderson admitted that her simple Christmas wish was a "functioning league".

'Member when?

Yeah, I 'member.

"After the recent situation with the NASL and all the movement of teams in men's soccer recently, I realized that the only thing I want is for the NWSL to stay in existence another year and then the next year after that," stated Ilderson to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. 

"I'm invested in my team, I've been through four leagues already with them. I'd really like to not see a fifth league. So, Santa.... Krampus... whoever.. for the love of all that is holy and good, please just let the NWSL last so I don't have to go through another off-season worrying about the solvency of a league."

Ilderson has already renewed her season tickets despite an awful 2016 season and is hopeful that her support will see the fledgling league through the dark times of amateur players and low wages.

"We just need to keep surviving, growing and building this thing. I just can't learn another acronym."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ilderson clings to any tiny tidbits of expansion news and further league growth information with the intensity of grim death. 

Man Rooting For College He Didn't Attend Has Problem With Eurosnobs

Nashville, TN - Notre Dame fan and Nashville FC fan Stewart Davis admitted that he just has a problem with eurosnobs not rooting for their local soccer team as he ranted about the issue online.

MATT CASHORE/USA TODAY SPORTS

"I pull for my local team in everything except for my love Notre Dame, which I didn't attend and just randomly picked because they were big a deal when I was a kid," stated Davis To The Nutmeg News.

"I just don't understand how these eurosnobs can feel any attachment to their team. It's not like my connection with Nashville FC, which is my local club through and though. It isn't even like my connection with the Fighting Irish. I try to attend a game every three or four years in South Bend, but these eurosnobs, they are just another cog in a giant consumer wheel."

Reportedly, Davis proudly states that he attended Nashville State Community College and that his commitment to everything local extends to nearly everything in his life except for his unadulterated love of Notre Dame.

"Look, it's just college football. Everyone does this. You know how many people that haven't stepped on to the campus at Tuscaloosa that still root for Alabama? Probably most of the national fanbase. Still though, that can't compare to someone picking Barcelona. I'm pretty certain that is worse, somehow. I don't know... probably because it is in Spain. It's still evil in soccer, absolutely evil and it's definitely not evil in College Football."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Davis plans out a trip to see Notre Dame play live that will cost more than his friends trip to see a Swansea game in Wales.

Man Pretty Certain His Two Bedsheets Are Going To Change The US Soccer Federation

CHICAGO - Anonymous T.I.F.O prankster "Gunil Sulati" released a statement to The Nutmeg News explaining the reason why he hung banners at the Chicago headquarters of the US Soccer Federation.

"The two bedsheet banners I cobbled together in my kitchen are going to change the US Soccer Federation forever," stated Sulati. "I knew all that was missing was direct action at their headquarters as the other banners, two-sticks, T.I.F.O, and plane towed banners somehow missed the mark of convincing a federation to convince a league of billionaires they should do something to appease a vocal minority partially spearheaded by a man who used the recent plane crash and death of 71 people to make a point about promotion and relegation in the United States."

Sulati (a pseudonym) stated that while he acknowledges the baggage that the movement now has, that he knew that all it would take is a banner at the Chicago headquarters to really drive the point home. 

"We are only a few more bedsheets, banners and twitter hashtags away from promotion and relegation being a reality! Let's get to work!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sulati gets in trouble from his roommates for using the good linen from the spare bedroom.

Man Able To Find Only One Game That Meets Rigorous Standard

NEW YORK - US Soccer dissident Clark Pengrove admitted that he was able to find only one game, recently, that met the rigorous standard for what he considers a good game that people should watch.

"I haven't watched an MLS game in 5 years, but I can tell you it is awful."

"All soccer in the United States and Canada is garbage at every level, in every league," stated Pengrove in a multi part rant online. "The only game worth watching is the game played at the very highest level with the very best players. There are no games in the United States, Canada, Mexico, South America, England, the Netherlands, Germany or (and especially) Italy that fit this criteria. As such, the only game that I am able to watch is Real Madrid v Barcelona."

Pengrove states that his strict criteria of quality soccer means that he can only really watch two or three games per year as the talent level and ability displayed in other games is not worth watching.

"Fans mean nothing. Fans are routinely garbage. I don't watch games for passion, for cheering or situations. Playoffs are useless and so are championship games. They add nothing to the tactical game that can only be truly exposed and understood using whiteboards and a 15 year study of tactical nuance in Spain and the Netherlands. I only watch for the technical skill of individual players and the situations on the field that I can diagram later with player figurines on a hand crafted subbuteo table in my basement for my own amusement."

As Pengrove's criteria for a quality soccer game worth watching has become increasingly strict, his consumption of soccer has decreased massively as all games are now considered horrible examples of corrupt Football Administrations, as well as players and coaches that are attempting to stifle the best players playing the best soccer in the one or two allowable games per year.

"I'm down to Barcelona v Real Madrid and that's it. I'm doing careful analysis of the players that will play in the matchup to ensure that the 22 players fit the threshold  for Quality Soccer. As well, I will stop watching a game if the substitutes entering the game are not at the required level of player."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pengrove begins to admit that Messi and Ronaldo are not up to his standards of international players and quits watching soccer altogether until players and teams meet his qualifications for quality soccer.

With Only One Week Til Riverhounds Tryouts, Former U-10 Soccer Star Starts Preparing

Pittsburgh, PA - With only one week til Pittsburgh Riverhounds tryouts, former u-10 soccer star Hector Gonzalez started preparing by going on a light jog for 5 minutes before retiring to his house to nurse shin splints.

I haven't played soccer, competitively, since 1992 but that's not going to stop me now!

"I'm going to be ready to get that spot. It's only USL, I should be able to walk on, "stated Gonzalez to The Nutmeg News on Friday. 

According to his mother, Gonzalez was a star on the U-10 Pittsburgh Dynamo travel team and he frequently scored with reckless abandon before taking the lions share of orange slices and pizza in celebration.

"He was always great at soccer, So I have no doubt that he can make the squad," stated Monica Gonzalez. "I just hope he doesn't pull anything. It's probably been 20 years since his best days."

Hector, though, is adamant about making the Riverhounds squad stating, "I haven't watched them play, but I'm certain they can use my skill. It's only US Soccer. I'm not saying I can play at an MLS level yet, but trust me, I can make it onto this squad. Now, I just have to run out and by some cleats."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Gonzalez claims an exemption from a beep test after claiming a minor heart condition brought on by his lack of exercise over the past 20 years.

Man Still Unsure What The Hell Is A Railhawk

Cary, NC - Soccer fan and local culture supporter Davis Billingsly admitted that he is still unsure what the hell is a Railhawk as the local team was flaccidly re-branded to North Carolina FC in an attempt for an Major League Soccer push in the future.

This just adds more questions than answers.

"Ok, right, sure..... but seriously... IS it a hawk that is a rail? Is it a rail that is a hawk? Is it a hawk with a railgun? What the hell is a Railhawk?" pondered Billingsly to friends and our reporter at Dean's Seafood Grill & Bar where Billingsly cautiously asked what our per diem was and if we were feeling generous.

"I've always wondered. I've been to numerous games. I had season tickets for three seasons. I STILL don't know what a Railhawk is, but I do know this... I'm going to miss this insane bird/railroad combination."

According to sources which are primarily himself, Billingsly is considering season tickets to North Carolina FC, but he still enjoys the imponderable question of whether a hawk could fly with a rail gun and how one would train a tiny merchant of death which target they would hit first.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Billinsgly starts buying up Railhawks merchandise to save for later when a waive of nostalgia sends the next generation looking for the kits of old.

NPSL Annual Ownership Meeting Finally Held At The Upscale Howard Johnson

Orlando, FL - National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) owner's league wide were reportedly thrilled that the annual ownership meeting was finally being held at the upscale Howard Johnson at Airport Mall instead of the shitty one off Highway 4.

Remember that time where the rep from Virginia Beach FC did a cannonball off the waterfall into a collection of Freddy Adu memorabilia?

"This one has icemakers and fresh linen service," stated one anonymous owner. "It's a vast improvement over the other location where we had to buy a pool cleaner to remove the vast amount of warped Mickey Mouse ears, empty Banana Boat sunscreen bottles, palm leaves and discarded Goofy themed condoms."

Owners, in previous years, complained about the basic lack of amenities such as reused sheets, traffic noise and a lack of reputable pizza places that would actually deliver to the motel.

"I don't care what the pictures look like, the hotel was a dump. It's nice to actually have a conference room this year instead of just having the ownership meeting on the bed of AFC Cleveland's room. It's got an actual professional feeling to it this year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NPSL Chairman Joe Barone tells the rowdy owners to knock off the late night pranks and return to their room before the HOJO takes away their security deposit on the conference room.

Whitecaps Fan Quits Social Media Til MLS Cup Is Over

VANCOUVER - Caught between a rock and a pile of poo, Vancouver Whitecaps fan Hannah Strandon quit social media until MLS Cup was over stating, "The last thing I'm going to do is be inundated with bullshit about two teams I hate all week long."

NO.

NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.

NO.

With both the Seattle Sounders and Toronto FC making it to MLS Cup, Whitecaps fans are in a more precarious position than nearly other fanbase of simply detesting both the teams that are playing for the second highest honor in Major League Soccer other than the annual Clark Hunt Allocation Bowling-For-Virtual-Cash trophy.

Strandon spoke to The Nutmeg News about her frustrations, on Friday, as she nervously picked up and set down her phone. 

"I had to delete Twitter and Facebook from my apps, but Facebook keeps coming back. Every time I turn on social media it's another post with another team I hate lifting a trophy. This is just the worst.... the WORST. I'm planning on just working and not checking anything til two weeks after MLS Cup. That's the only way I can make it through the next few weeks without smashing my phone to smithereens. It's really been two straight years of this shit, and I'm just tired."

Reportedly, Strandon is also upset at the Whitecaps themselves for enabling this perfect storm of poo by not being competitive enough to make it to the final.

"If we had a more competitive team, we wouldn't even BE in the circumstance. Tell me why I have to watch Portland, then Seattle and TFC make it to the cup final, Carl Robinson. TELL ME WHY?!."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Strandon picks up her phone and logs into Facebook to see a picture of Ozzie Alonso and Sebastian Giovinco holding their trophies before realizing what she was doing.

Mississauga Man Now Using TFC Merchandise To Appear Local

TORONTO - After last night's conference final win by Toronto Football Club (TFC), Mississauga transplant Paul McKenzie admitted he is now using random TFC merchandise in an attempt to appear local to Toronto as he walked the streets this morning in a TFC scarf and hat.

"Started from the bottom with a really expensive house and a credit card and now we here" 

.

.

EDITORS NOTE: -10 points for the Drake reference. Poor form.

"Yes, I'm from Toronto. I LOVE riding the TTC and UP THE REDS," shouted McKenzie to random people avoiding eye contact on the street.

Reportedly, McKenzie seized the opportunity to jump onto the TFC bandwagon with both feet after spending last night half watching the enthralling French language coverage of the Toronto/Montreal conference final game.

"Yes, go Toronto! Go Reds! Go TFC!" shouted McKenzie into the mirror at a local Tim Hortons as he prepared himself for the full attempt at blending into the local sports scene. 

"I hope this goes better than when I bought the Jose Bautista Blue Jays jersey and tried to grow out that beard," stated McKenzie to our reporter. "Anyway, I'm from Toronto, dontcha know!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKenzie is forced to admit that he is from Mississauga and is shamed at his work related holiday party after asking which team Beckham is on.