The Nutmeg News Top 10 Top 10 Soccer New Year List List - Top 10!

There's nothing that soccer publications love better than an end of year, "we are too tired and too lazy to write another damn column so here is a Top 10 list of something" list. 

So, in that light, here is The Nutmeg News' Top 10 Top 10 Soccer list for Top 10 Lists published about the Top 10 events in Soccer in 2016, that made an editor's top 10 list. #top10

#1 Sports Illustrated - The Top 10 Soccer Stories Of 2016

They've collated the stories that have the most impact, except for that Bob Bradley stuff. They didn't, however, add in Grant Wahl's tour of the best coffee shops in Toronto as learned by looking at Yelp.

http://www.si.com/planet-futbol/2016/12/26/top-10-soccer-stories-2016

#2 World Soccer Talk - Top 10 Soccer Co-Commentators

Haven't you ever wondered where your favorite co-commentator matches up to the rest of the world? You must be a joy at parties with your recitation of the commentating statistics.

 WELL HERE YOU GO!

http://worldsoccertalk.com/2016/12/26/top-10-soccer-co-commentators/

#3 Urban Pitch - Top 10 Tekkers New Year Edition

Tekkers is the kind of word that makes our editorial staff feel like freebasing Geritol and yelling at kids to get off of things while asking what the deal is with that Beiber fella and why didn't Wilford Brimley get more acting roles. However, if you are into tekkers than this article is ON FLEEK!

http://urbanpitch.com/top-10-tekkers-new-year/

#4 THE FOX SPORTS DOUBLE DIP - Best Teams of 2016

Need to know how that team you randomly picked up during your four day trip to "find yourself" through Spain is doing this season? You know? That reason why you support one of the biggest and most successful clubs in all the world?

http://www.foxsports.com/soccer/gallery/best-teams-2016-real-madrid-barcelona-bayern-munich

#5 THE FOX SPORTS DOUBLE DIP - Best Soccer Matches 2016

Most of you didn't go to any of these, but wasn't the atmosphere resplendent through the television?

http://www.foxsports.com/soccer/gallery/best-soccer-matches-2016

#6 Empire Of Soccer - Top WOSO Stories Of 2016 Morgan Going To France Fiasco At Fronteir Field CBA

We LOVE Empire Of Soccer. At least, we think we do. I mean, maybe we are just fine with Empire Of Soccer... After all, when was the last time they called. Look, we are good. Mostly.

 LOOK AT THE LENGTH OF THAT URL. That's almost as bad as some of our crap.

http://www.empireofsoccer.com/top-woso-stories-of-2016-morgan-going-to-france-fiasco-at-frontier-field-cba-56649/

#7 - The Austin Chronicle - Top 10 Soccer Stories Of 2016

The continuing saga of the Aztex aside, We had to include them! Keep Austin weird and reading while their neighborhoods gentrify!

http://www.austinchronicle.com/sports/2016-12-30/soccer-watch-top-10-soccer-stories-of-2016/

#8 - US Soccer - Women's National Team Top 10 Goals Of 2016

GOALS! VIDEOS! GOALS! The US Women played roughly 3,245 games so they had a lot of goals from which to choose. 

http://www.ussoccer.com/stories/2016/12/02/15/15/161202-wnt-top-10-goals-of-2016-feature

#9 - Upper 90 Soccer store- Top Kits Of 2016

The most incomprehensible list because it isn't a list, per se. It's hard to tell what's going on here other than New York's Soccer Store is trying to sell you some kits. This is the kind of clickbait we can all depend upon!

https://u90soccer.com/blog/tag/top-kits-of-2016/

#10 - Major League Soccer Soccer DOT Com - BEST MLS 2016 TOP 10 MOMENTS

We put this last mostly to see if Andrew Weibe or Alicia Rodriguez was reading all the way through things. If so, Here's your list. WE HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. 

We didn't even look at this one other than to screen cap the page, but hey.... It's got soccer, so that's a good thing.

http://www.mlssoccer.com/post/2016/12/31/best-mls-2016-top-10-moments

Bloggers Quote Each Other As Source

Portland, OR - Adversarial bloggers James Smith of PDXSoccer.com and Tom Hollister of PDXHollOfFame.com reportedly both quoted each other as "source" during the recent Darlington Nagbe to Glasgow Celtic transfer saga.

Smith and Hollister during their cooperative phase.

"A source is telling me that the Nagbe to Celtic deal is dead," stated Smith online as he utilized Hollister's blog posts as a source.

"Nagbe To Celtic: DEAD," stated Hollister on his twitter account as he reiterated Smith's rumor mongering reports.

Smith and Hollister used to work together on a collaborative blog called PDXSoccerBuddies.com before falling out over perceived personal slights, the difference in opinion over Andrew Jean-Baptiste and Hollisters insistence that they use Times New Roman as a font which Smith called out as being derivative. 

Both bloggers blocked each other on twitter via their personal accounts, but still utilize the other as a factual source, despite their hatred.

"The Timbers pulled the plug, according to sources," stated Smith on his twitter account as he directly referenced Hollisters 1000 word guess work column titled How The Deal Could Fall Apart. The mentions on Smith's twitter account flooded in with other fans questioning how he could possibly know such a thing.

"According to sources, The Timbers and Merritt Paulson walked away," stated Hollister as he referenced Smith's reference to the Timbers needing to walk away if the price wasn't right.

Both Smith and Hollister relentlessly subtweeted the other in the wake of the sources announcements in a effortless circle jerk of stupidity as they flooded Timbers Twitter with less than factual information in their quest to be the first person to have the right information.

As Smith stated, "You can't trust other accounts that won't tell you the truth. Most of those accounts are just re-tweeting Taylor Twellman East Coast news."

Hollister, for his statement, fired a shot across the bow of Smith stating, "You can't trust low follower accounts to give you news. The deal is 100% dead. Here's a Taylor Twellman tweet that shows I was right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hollister and Smith both write 1200 word statistical columns specifically tailored to prove Darlington Nagbe's worth to the club.

MLS To Explore Resurrecting Failed Franchises For Winter Indoor League

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced that they were exploring resurrecting the failed franchises that formerly existed in the league for a winter indoor 5v5 league.

A rivalry renewed!

"Who doesn't want to see Chivas USA, the Miami Fusion, the Tampa Bay Mutiny, the Miami Beckham FCs, the New York/New Jersey Metrostars, the Dallas Burn, the Kansas City Wiz, Maccabi Los Angeles and the San Jose Clash take each other on in an indoor league that takes place entirely indoors in venues like the Izod Center and the Amway Center for a three month season during the winter of 2017/2018," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. 

"We are hoping that the ability to see all these former teams take each other on will bring out the waive of nostalgia that soccer fans love to bathe in, at all times."

According to insider sources, Major League Soccer executives were insistent that there was, "still some life left in these old brands," as they maintained a stranglehold on any trademark for the defunct teams of the past.

"With all of this change and branding we figured we could get some more money by setting up a clash of the former titans. Just think about watching the Fusion walk out to a laser light show and Gloria Estefan's Rhythm Is Gonna Get You. It's going to be like a prize fight! The Dallas Burn can walk out to Achy Breaky Heart! We can wring these towel's dry, yet!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Miami Beckham FC's are unable to field a team, or find a venue and pull out of the winter league.

Proudly Displayed Scarf Collection A Symbol Of Man's Perpetual Bachelorhood

Laramie, WY - A proudly displayed soccer scarf collection is roundly known within his circle of friends as the symbol of Arthur Leavenworth's perpetual bachelorhood as the 34 year old man-child maintains his single status heading into 2020.

Nothing says interior decorating skills like a man that knows how to put cloth on pvc pipe.

"I do enjoy acquiring soccer scarves and displaying them in my living room," stated Leavenworth to The Nutmeg News as he lounged in his underwear eating Cheetos with a half empty Haagen-Daz carton and FIFA 2017 disc by his recliner.

"While I haven't been on a legitimate date in 6 months, I feel that any woman who will not accept me at my worst doesn't deserve to see me at my worst since i have absolutely no intention of changing who I am."

Since Leavenworth has started collecting scarves he has worked on both local soccer teams as well as international scarves stating that he doesn't have a particular ethos in acquiring them. "I don't care who the team is, just as long as the scarf is rare, and pretty, and no one has one like it around me."

Leavenworth has slowly been able to carpet his entire walls in polyester and cotton fabrics that represent roughly thousands of wasted dollars as he can't even remember the memories associated with each scarf anymore.

"I think I got that one from an online website and that one over there I got from my friend Geoffrey that I know online, but I can't remember specifically. Either way, I can tell you that if a woman comes in my apartment and sees this and runs for the hills that she wasn't right for me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Leavenworth bemoans his lack of love life while devoting more of his personal time to watching CSKA Moscow play via an illegal youtube stream.

Upcoming 2017 Resolutions To Really Test Man's Fledgling Commitment To Soccer Team

Tampa, FL - Fledgling Manchester United fan David Thornberry admitted that his upcoming 2017 New Year's resolutions to, "get in shape, lose 20 pounds and get active," are really going to test his new found commitment to Manchester United games as he plans on simultaneously juggling the early morning on weekends for soccer and physical fitness.

#10 Get to a game at Rodney's house, on time.

"I can make this happen," stated Thornberry as he admitted that he was already having a difficult time figuring out whether he should be going to the gym, running or watching United play Reading in the FA Cup on the 7th.

"It's only the FA Cup.... It's not that big a deal.... right? I can find any old time to re-watch that, I would bet. However, I really am trying to make a commitment to Jeff and Travis that I'm actually going to show up at the Anytime Fitness, this time."

Reportedly, Thornberry's new found Manchester United friends are concerned that this is just the tip of the iceberg to him not being able to focus on games anymore as they pushed to have him show up and watch the game together via an illegal stream on the 7th.

"He isn't going to stick with this exercise shit anyway," stated Rodney Darrow of St. Petersburg. "He should just realize this, pick up some beer and come on over for some mid morning drinking."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as just waking up on time tests Thornberry's commitment to both of these scheduled activities.

Soccer Blog's Online Advertising Campaign Nets Massive Increase Of Two Readers

NEW YORK - A coordinated and expensive advertising campaign by soccer blog Bulls-on-Parade.blogspot.ca.net netted a massive increase of two readers shattering the previous record of 1 reader, set the previous month.

"AUTOMAGICALLY PUT YOUR CONTENT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO WILL BE INFURIATED BECAUSE YOU PAID TO HAVE YOUR CONTENT PUT IN FRONT OF THEM!"

"We put a concentrated effort forth on Facebook and Twitter," stated director of advertising, writing, marketing, podcasting, website design, editing, mail, news aggregation, tweeting, facebooking, and deciding when to eventually kill the blog in a long winded post that no one really reads, Kwame Burrows. 

"We bought a targeted advertising package that spread our message out to thousands of people who have no real interest in our site and scrolled past the advertisement so they could read the quasi-racist rantings of their uncle on a fake news post about how Obama is turning underwear for the US Army into a ISIS recruiting method."

According to the creators of the soccer website, Bulls-On-Parade.blogspot.ca.net was designed to be the place for long form, uncensored journalism that explored the boundaries of life, art, culture and soccer. 

Currently, the site still displays the two rants solicited from Red Bulls fans after Mike Petke was fired and an update about the scoring prowess of Bradley Wright-Phillips.

"It's only a matter of time before our advertising campaign generates the crowd of readers a site like this deserves," stated Burrows. "We are just one good article about Sacha Kljestan away from breaking this thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this website as the creators debate shutting it down or keeping it alive.

OPINION: The Fact That I'm Still Alive In 2016 Tells Me That My Soccer Blogging Isn't Good Enough

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr. Anderson of Boston, MA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Anderson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

"Dear Editors,

The Fact that I'm still alive in 2016 tells me that my soccer blogging isn't good enough. With all the recent deaths of celebrities, luminaries and influential people, it has come to my attention that I'm still alive. And if I'm still alive that means that my writing hasn't been up to snuff, because the good lord hasn't taken me yet for my Ayn Rand inspired writings on the application of TAM and GAM in MLS.

For this lack of quality, I apologize to my legion of adoring fans.

When I started writing about the New England Revolution over 3 years ago, I started with the best of intentions. That is, to publicly ridicule Robert Kraft until he builds us a new stadium somewhere actually close to Boston; and, also, to write long form pieces about the Diego Fagundez faux-hawk.

In the end, though, I've let my quality go down. 

Rest assured that I will fix this. I've been researching ways to increase my wordplay and influences. I'm studying the dialectical influences of Athens, the pop culture of Thebes and the dulcet tones of Nelly on his seminal record Country Grammar. I'm planning on really submitting more fanpost items on The Bent Musket that include 1500 word rants on why it's important to have a team store at Gillette Stadium set to lyrics and rhythms from 'Batter Up.'

Long story short, I'm hoping that the next round of the rapture in 2017 will contain my mortal coil which will prove how amazing a blogger that I truly am as everyone will finally celebrate my genius with long winded statements about how amazing I was at writing about local soccer and my charity efforts at donating my spare penny to the local take a penny/leave a penny when I eat at Rosie's Place on Harrison.

Thank you kindly,

Elmore Anderson

Boston, MA

Heroic Grandmother Shopping For The Wrong Soccer Team For Arsenal Supporting Grandson

Mobile, AL - Heroic grandmother Dolores Billingsly ventured deep onto the internet in order to find a gift for her Arsenal supporting grandson Dominic as she boldly took the step to purchase what he casually requested this season.

"This has to be the jersey he wanted"

A grandmother of 10, Dolores stated that she was going to take the bold step of trying to get what her grandchildren wanted this season. 

"I made a real effort to try to find out what Dominic and all the kids wanted this season," stated Mrs. Billingsly to our reporter. "I asked my daughter and she said that Dominic supported some team like the San Antonio Spurs so this must be it. It took a real effort to find something like this on the computer. I had to log on and go to the Google to find a place that would even sell something like this. When I bought my Myron a jacket for Alabama we just went to the store when we visited Tuscaloosa, but I guess things are different these days."

Dominic Billingsly stated to his mother that he, "just wanted something Arsenal based because I hate Spurs. I'm betting that gramma just gets me a gift certificate to JC Penny again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Billingsly attempts to continue smiling throughout opening presents as he casually strikes up a conversation to find out the return policy of the website that his grandmother used.

Airing Of Grievances Begins As Fire Fan Completes Page 413 On His Manifesto

CHICAGO - Fire fan Desmond Olivare put the final touches on page 413 of his manifesto in the way that the Fire ownership and team have disappointed him over the past 7 seasons as the Airing Of Grievances began during the Festivus holiday season.

"I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU GUYS!"

Olivare stated to The Nutmeg News that his manifesto will include references to The Editorial, the playoffs, Hauptman, Nery Castillo, Kennedy Igboananike, Juan Luis Anagongo, Gilberto, Arevalo Rios, and Federico Puppo.

"I've got a lot of anger to work out, and when I finally finish this sucker... oh man... my Festivus holiday will finally be complete."

Olivare reportedly began working on the masterpiece during a Festivus period two years ago. 

"I'm hoping that this manifesto will generate substantial change as I continue to spend money on season tickets and beer at the stadium, thus avoiding the actual tangible way to hit ownership in its pockets," stated Olivare. "That's really the only way I can avoid getting into an argument with other Fire fans online about how we support this team. I support the Fire by extemporaneously egregious self loathing and complaining in the stadium about the things I probably won't do in the future if things continue to be shit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Olivare prepares for his transition into the Feats Of Strength as he prepares to again pull his credit card from his wallet to pay for Fire items.

B-Boy, Mod or Soccer Casual: Flat Cap Purchase Leads To Aesthetic Dilemma

NEW YORK - A shopping expedition for budding soccer fan Nathan Ostness lead to an aesthetic and style dilemma as an attempted flat cap purchase threw the 38 year old man into a tailspin.

WHO ARE YA? WHO ARE YA?

Oh, wait.... It's Grandmaster Flash not your local capo.

"I grew up listening to old-school hip hop and associated my early clothing and style with that subculture," stated Ostness to The Nutmeg News.  "Adidas equaled b-boys, hip hop and eventually skateboarding. Flat caps are something that I associated with Grandmaster Flash and LL Cool J. Then, I was into mod culture during high school and I realized it was pretty much the same thing with some subtle differences. Then, much later, I got into soccer, casual culture and terrace wear; and I realized that there was a middle ground between all three."

Photo provided by Mr. Ostness

Reportedly, a trip out to J.J. Hat Center for a seasonal purchase lead to this introspective battle as Ostness couldn't decide what he wanted his hat wear to say about him with his current interests.

"I decided I wanted to get a flat cap for the winter time but was torn apart deciding what culture I wanted to reflect in my head wear. Do I want to talk about Lambrettas, The Specials and Blur? Or do I want to talk about Lambrettas, Grandmaster Flash, Uprock and Big Daddy Kane? Or do I want to talk about Lambrettas, The Specials, Northern Soul, Milwall, the Bushwackers and Among The Thugs?"

"It was then I realized I'm too old to give a shit anymore and went with the one I actually wanted. And now I'm being made fun of by everyone I know for trying to look like Samuel L Jackson. Apparently there are some unwritten rules about wearing them forward and backwards these days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Ostness debates what his Adidas Gazelle purchase says about his current style aesthetic.

US Star Alex Morgan Heading To France To 'Get Paid'

Alex Morgan, one of the most prominent advertising examples in women's soccer, announced that she was heading to France to, "get paid," as she announced her signing with Olympique Lyonnais via lighting a cigar with a $100 bill.

"That's where the money is, and that's where I'm going."

"I like money. I'd like more money. This is where Olympique Lyonnais comes into the picture," stated Morgan to a collection of account executives and brand managers for Coca-Cola, Trident, and Degree antipersperant. "The average career in women's soccer is so short that it basically doesn't exist. I've made some money, and I'd like to make some more. While the stipend that the US gives me for playing in the NWSL is ok, I want to make, 'have my own personal blanket with my face on it' money that Cristiano Ronaldo currently is enjoying."

Reportedly Morgan told her sponsors that her moving to Europe will allow them a whole new window of possibilities with regards to branding as she stated, "Sure, this stuff will be good for my game, but more importantly this stuff will be great for my portfolio! Let's get out there and make some money!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Morgan misses 2/3rds of the NWSL season and comes back just in enough time to upset the team dynamics of the Orlando Pride.

Already Tired Of 2017 Season, Real Salt Lake Fan Looks Forward To 2018

Ogden, UT - Real Salt Lake fan Jeremy Edwards is reportedly already tired of the upcoming 2017 MLS season and stated categorically that he is, "looking forward to 2018."

Exactly, Jeff.... Exactly

"I'm very, very, very, very tired of 2017," stated Edwards to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday morning. "I'm tired of Cassar and I'm tired of Garcia, and I'm just tired of this team right now. I keep waiting for things to get blown up but all we got was Burrito and Morales leaving."

Edwards indicated that he really is just sitting around waiting for Cassar to get fired so he can actually have some level of happiness about this going forward, but he would accept a good 2018 season in lieu of that happening.

"I'm positive about the future, just not the immediate future. The 2018 season is going to be bright once we figure everything out that went wrong three months after the 2017 season is over. It's going to be great, although... in reality it will probably be lousy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edwards prepares for an entire season of questioning Cassar's lineup choices on Big Soccer.

With Only 12 Days Remaining In 2016, USWNT Announce 36 Friendlies

CHICAGO - With only 12 days remaining in 2016, the United States Women's National Team announced 36 more friendlies to close out their highly profitable 2016 season.

"This bus will be picking up paying passengers in Cleveland, Chicago and Providence, so be on your best behavior."

"We are going to play 3 games a day for the remaining 12 days of the year starting on Tuesday," stated United States manager Jill Ellis. "It's going to really help us diversify our portfolio of assets and allow us to pay the severance fee on Jurgen Klinsmann's terminated contract."

According to the press release, the United States will play any team they can find, every CONCACAF team and a selection of European international squads in a barnstorming adventure that will take them from the east coast to the west coast of the United States. Tickets for the INTERNATIONAL ADVENTURE VICTORY TOUR AND READINESS SQUAD PREPARATION FOUNDATION TOURNAMENT will start at $110 for general admission seats.

The opening three games for the US Women will be against the auxiliary Haitian U-17 squad, the Antigua Women's Handball team and the Devry University Junior Varsity Superstars.

"We are very excited at these upcoming cash-grabs," stated president of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "Hopefully we can turn a profit this season after the money we recoup from these final 12 days."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Women protest the conditions on the refurbished Greyhound bus hired to drive them from the east coast to the mid-west.

Small Flicker Of Hope For 2017 Begins To Burn In Heart Of Orlando City Fan

Orlando, FL - A small flicker of hope for the 2017 season was found burning in the heart of Jessica Koblens at a local restaurant late on Sunday evening as the long offseason and lack of post season allowed Koblens the ability to forget about the 2016 season and look forward to next year.

"I noticed... you know... THAT feeling, when I was at dinner with my friend," stated Koblens to The Nutmeg News. "I was no longer thinking about the failures of 2016, but rather was starting to look forward to first kick and the pre-season for the 2017 season. I was almost exited again."

Reportedly, Koblens had this revelation while staring at a plate of bucatini at Vincenzos Cucina Italiana on International drive.

"I really can't wait for 2017," stated Koblens to friend Erica Henderson. "I'm actually, finally over the way that the 2016 season ended. Heath is gone, Kreis is in and now he will have a full pre-season. I started thinking about another year of singing for the boys in purple, celebrating Kaka, and hopefully not yelling things about his family at Nocerino."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Koblen holds out hope that Orlando City will struggle through the first 3/4s of the season, make a great signing, sneak into the playoffs, and then win MLS Cup on the road.

Luke Warm Miami Sports Fans Unaware They Are About To Miss Opportunity To Not Attend Miami MLS Games

Miami, FL - Luke warm Miami sports fans were, reportedly, unaware that they are about to miss a golden opportunity to not attend MLS Miami games as the Beckham FC franchise teetered on the brink of disaster.

The throbbing current of the Miami sports scene.

"I'm moderately pissed that I won't have the chance to ignore and not attend MLS games while meeting my friends at the beach for a party," stated Carlos Gutierrez. "It's pretty ridiculous that I won't have the same chance to not attend soccer, locally, like I do with the Heat and the Marlins."

Reportedly, hundreds of thousands of fans across Miami were also unaware that their chance to snub a local soccer team was close to evaporating.

"We are going to NOT get an MLS team? When were we going to get one? Didn't we already have something like that?" stated Veronica Nelson of South Beach.

"Wait, is this that whole thing with the guy from LA? Is that still happening?" stated Howard Marin of Wynwood.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more Miami fans wake up to the fact that they are going to miss out on the chance to miss out on soccer.

"Why Would Anyone Want To Watch An Inferior Product?" Rants Idiot MLS Fan About The NWSL

Galveston, TX - David Haney, a Houston Dynamo fan, took time from his busy schedule working at the Waffle House on 61st St to bash women's soccer and the NWSL for being an inferior product despite watching every home and away Houston Dynamo game this season.

Haney submits every post by bashing his head into random keys.

"Why would anyone want to watch an inferior product? It's just women's soccer," stated Haney. "None of the women in the NWSL play with the athletic grace of a Boniek Garcia. I just don't understand why anyone would want to watch an inferior product when MLS is available."

Reportedly, Haney spent the last two days telling everyone on the social media and stormfront recruiting center website Reddit that the NWSL wasn't worth anyone's time as it didn't meet the high standard that Major League Soccer has set in the United States.

"As a Dynamo fan, it behooves me to say that I just can't understand why anyone would follow the Dash. The Dynamo have set such a high standard that it beggars belief that anyone would want to watch a game. MLS is the gold standard of greatness, and everyone knows it. There isn't any other better product in this galaxy or the next than Major League Soccer. That's why it is called Major League, because it is the best. MEN play Major League Soccer. Yes, that's right. Why on earth anyone would watch an NWSL game when they can watch Ricardo Clark meltdown in the middle of the field is beyond me. The NWSL players are slow, they play the game differently, and they have pony tails... PONY TAILS. My god, you can just SEE how awful they are. They need fast players like Will Bruin and David Horst. If the NWSL had more players like Will Bruin, then maybe we could talk about how people should be watching the NWSL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Haney takes his idiotic viewpoints to Twitter.

MLS Expansion Rules Dictate That New Money Pays Old Money

NEW YORK - Buried in the new Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion rules was the edict for expansion that New Money pays Old Money as the league set forth their additional and transparent rules on expansion.

"You can clearly see the delineation between the expansion investment being paid back for the Whitecaps versus the expansion investment being paid back for the Chicago Fire."

"We needed to ensure that all the prospective entrants to the league understand that their fees will be used to ensure that the original investors and subsequent expansion levels are paid off appropriately," stated president of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbott. "We promised a return on investment to the vested owners that came into Major League Soccer on the second waive of expansion, and we still owe balloon payments to our original investors. Basically, the new expansion fees will pay off our old promised expansion amounts."

Reportedly, with a promised return on investment of 150% to 200% on original capital, the league has increased their expansion fees to an announced number of $150 million each with a promised eventual return of $300 million necessitating another round of expansion with $250 million expansion fees in another 5 to 10 years.

"It's important for us to continue raiding the pockets of future millionaires and billionaires to pay back the existing billionaires in Major League Soccer," stated Abbot. "Everyone's going to make some money, except the players. That's Clark and Dan Hunt's philosophy and we think it's great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as current investors in the league prepare for their windfall checks.

Dentist Desperate For Soccer Talk Exaggerates Patient Conditions

Madison, WI - During a routine appointment with patient Wesley Jones, Dentist Isaac Browning randomly found out about Jones purported love of Manchester United making Jones the first ever patient that Browning was ever able to speak with, at length, about soccer.

"What do you think about the City formation in the wake of the Gundogan injury?"

MMMHMM MMHMMDMMM MMHMM AHHMMHMMH

MMHMMHM AHHHAHH AHH HAHHAHHAH

"Oh, so you favor a 4-4-2? Interesting"

"I couldn't believe the luck. A real soccer fan, in Madison... of all places.....I was just amazed that as he was getting a routine checkup that he was able to articulate, through a cheek retractor, that he was a fan of Zlatan Ibrahimovic. It was an amazing moment at the practice," stated Browning.

Reportedly, while Jones only went to Browning and Smith DDS for a routine checkup, he was immediately booked for 4 additional checkups to investigate molar strength, tooth enamel growth patterns and possible gingivitis that coincided with premier league games on Mondays. 

"It's going to be great to have someone to chat with about the game, even if he is sedated on laughing gas and getting his cavities checked while we watch Manchester United v Sunderland in two weeks. I can't wait to have some real lad time at the practice. I installed one of those portable flat screen TV's so we can watch the game and I ordered a pony keg! We are going to get LIT!"

According to Jones, his comment on Ibrahimovic was just to make conversation and he hasn't watched more than half a soccer game, ever. However he is very concerned about the health of his teeth even if four follow-up appointments in 2 months is a bit excessive. Jones stated to The Nutmeg News on Thursday that, "Dr. Browning said he is concerned that we may need a follow up root canal and exploratory root check during something called a Champions League Final. I don't know what that is, but I trust the Doc to get it done right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jones continues to fake his way through a one sided Soccer conversation with his dentist in order to maintain his dental health.

MLS Announces 2017 Pre-Season To Extend Til September

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced that the pre-season would now extend til September with only seven meaningful, counting games towards the playoffs to be played by all teams.

YOUR 2016 MLS CHAMPIONS PRE-SEASON.........KINDA!

"After the template set by both Seattle and Portland, we realized that the regular season is really just the pre-season until September, so we are going to allow all teams to just not care about their win/loss records until September, since they are doing that already," stated Mark Abbott of Major League soccer. 

The league also announced that it would be eliminating the supporters shield given that it really is reflective of a time where 27 of the games are played when most teams who win MLS Cup are still trying to figure out if they are crap or good.

"There's no reason for us to celebrate a team who plays well for 34 games, when we only care about what you do for 7 games and then the playoffs," stated Abbott. "It's the only way forward. We are just compressing our season into a bout of meaningless July games that gets teams in shape to play for the playoffs. MLS PLAYOFFS! AIMLESS CROSSES INTO THE BOX AND COUNTER ATTACKING 11  BEHIND THE BALL TACTICS! CATCH THE FEVER!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all teams race for the bottom in order to win the cup in 2017.

Don Garber Warns Over The Impact Of Regional Fake Soccer

Detroit, MI - Speaking from a podium just outside an empty warehouse on Bellevue Street, the commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) repeatedly warned the assembled bloggers from MLSsoccer.com.com.com about the dangers of Fake Soccer and the impact that Fake Soccer has on National Soccer Elections to Major League Soccer.

Image credit: Pat Batcheller

"They want to light smoke and swear and act like fools, that's fine,” stated Commissioner Garber. “Until they are ready to accept the fact that we created soccer supporter culture in America and that MLS is the only real soccer in this country, we are going to continue to let everyone know that they are fake soccer and should be ignored. Every time they win a game or a Rust Belt Derby match we will release tweets stating that people should ignore and block @NGSDETROIT and that any win is a fake soccer win and therefore shouldn’t have attention paid to it. FAKE SOCCER!"

We asked a Detroit City fan about why they were so vehemently against an MLS takeover of their club. They spoke to us on the condition of anonymity.

"MLS keeps calling us fake soccer, but they are the ones that are fake soccer. A few of us did an investigation to see where some of the MLS rivalries came from and we were unable to find any actual sources. It appears that some of the rivalries that MLS likes to wave around to generate TV ratings were entirely fabricated by MLS. They think that they can just artificially create passion among the newly formed supporters groups for the newly formed soccer teams that never had any support before the big money was paid to Garber. This is the kind of thing that you face when giving into the MLS. Let me guess, we join MLS and all of a sudden Columbus are our big rivals, right? Screw that. They are fake soccer, not us! FAKE SOCCER!"

Our reporter brought these points up Commissioner Garber who replied, "What do you expect from a fake soccer fan writing doing an interview for a fake soccer blog? We have created the greatest soccer culture in this country and possibly in the world and we are looking forward to having our Detroit team at some point in the future. Columbus fans are excited about their new up-and-coming rivalry that is just now starting to come into its own. We expect these games to garner even more attention than the other great rivalries in MLS like Real Salt Lake and Colorado."

When asked what Gaber thought about a Detroit City fan calling MLS fake soccer he replied with, “Nuh uh, we’re not fake soccer, they’re fake soccer. When you step back and look at the big picture you can clearly see that the Rust Belt has proven that it falls for fake news during election cycles, so it’s only natural that they would fall for fake soccer as well. We're here to provide a solution to that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when both sides realize that all soccer in the United States is Fake Soccer.