San Jose Earthquakes Search Local PennySaver For New Head Coach

San Jose, CA - Stating, “this could be a good way for us to save some money,” the San Jose Earthquakes turned to their local PennySaver in order to find their next head coach.

“We need someone who is flexible with what constitutes the overall makeup and abilities of a professional soccer team,” stated one Earthquakes insider. “Honestly, finding someone in the PennySaver would really help us temper their expectations of what the job will entail. We really need someone who thinks the whole is experience is…. NEAT. Someone who thinks that the wooden spoon isn’t so bad if you think about it.”

Sources indicate that the Earthquakes have already reached out to Doug Harbottle, a 45 year dad of 3 with no professional licenses who coaches youth soccer from “coaching soccer for dummies” to see if he would be interested.

“He has former coaching experience and he said that he brings his own juice boxes and orange slices. That might save us another $5 per game,” stated our Earthquakes insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Harbottle complains about the lack of money available for player recruitment.

Minnesota Fan Expelled From Supporters Group Over Heath Bar Photo

Minneapolis, MN - Posting a picture of a Heath bar with the caption, “HEATH IN, to your mouth! Everyone knows this is great,” Minnesota United fan Chris Pouncy was expelled from Loon’s Farm, the Minnesota United Supporters Group dedicated to Minnesota United and wine coolers.

HEATH IN, TO YOUR MOUTH.

“It was determined that Chris was intentionally trolling our manifesto that requested the removal of Adrian Heath immediately and an apology to all fans for the disastrous start of this season,” stated Loon’s Farm president Jeffrey Bartles.

Sources close to Mr. Pouncy indicate that he was merely enjoying a snack as he stated, “WHO DOESNT LOVE TOFFEE? HONESTLY,” after receiving the notification that he was no longer a dues paying member.

“This fight about Adrian Heath is tearing us apart and it’s incredibly stupid,” stated Mr. Pouncy on his Facebook page which was immediately brigaded with comments comparing his words to the start of the team this season, the finish of the team last season, and the current situation in Ukraine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pouncy posts an apology to, “all the haters who can’t enjoy delicious Heath bars and Emanuel Reynoso,” on his Twitter account with great effect.

Run On Nose Plugs Reported After Columbus Crew Draws USOC Trip To Detroit City

Columbus, OH - Stating, “We must protect our proud, supple, bodily orafices,” Columbus Crew players and staff reportedly started a general run in the area on nose plugs, ear plugs and gas masks.

“The report is that the fans will assault you with smell,” stated one anonymous midfielder. “I’ve eaten Skyline Chili so I’m fine, but I’m worried about our midfielders.”

Sources indicate that the Crew purchased nose plugs in bulk and have their team working on open mouth running, a new trend.

“It is said that if you open your mouth, you can breathe through it instead of your nose,” stated one Crew athletic trainer. “We are working on that while having the team prepare for this game. We may end up sending some of our starting 11 for the game to train in the Cincinnati area in order to prepare for the assault on smell.”

For all the dire warnings about an assault on the senses, some Crew supporters are already prepared as one fan stated, “Honestly, this is nothing new. I always wear nose plugs when I go to Detroit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Detroit City fans prepare to assault the fifth sense, proprioception.

FC Tulsa Files Grievance Over Being Included In Texas Region

Tulsa, Oklahoma - FC Tulsa, today, filed a grievance over being included in the “Texas Region” of the US Open Cup Draw as they repeatedly stated, “OKLAHOMA IS NOT TEXAS.”

Sources indicate that the club stated that, “Texas Sucks and Kansas Blows and that’s why Oklahoma is so windy,” as part of their petition to be included in literally any region than the Texas region.

“This is an outrage,” stated one anonymous FC Tulsa employee. “We have almost NOTHING in common with Texas except for our geographical, political, social similarities and our shared tolerance of Whataburger. If we are included in this geographical region we demand that the region be named by the winner of the Red River Rivalry, in which case this region would absolutely be called the Oklahoma Region.”

For their part, the Texas teams collectively stated that the Oklahoma response was, “A symptom of Oklahoma wanting to be a part of Texas, like usual.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas accuses FC Tulsa of spreading “leftist Oklahoma values,” by virtue of the Braums down the street from the stadium.

Portland Thorns And Timbers Promise To Hire Someone To Take Accountability For Any Future Scandals

Portland, OR - The Portland Thorns and Timbers front office announced, today, that they would hire someone to take accountability for any future scandals as the team announced a new “Fall Person” post.

Not him, though.

“Our new Fall Person will be a non-gender-specific community focused person who will be held accountable for any future missteps by our organization,” stated the press release. “We hear and respect our fans and we promise that for any future scandals, other than the ones we just went through, SOMEONE not affiliated with the ownership group, executives or current management of the team will be held accountable.”

According to insiders, the Fall Person will be subject to being immediately removed from their position with great public fanfare should any scandals make it to the press which requires the team to need to appear to take responsibility.

“Basically this is always going to be a temporary position,” stated one front office insider. “The person that they hire will ultimately be to blame if the ownership of the team hires another sexual predator or employs someone involved in domestic violence, again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this the front office offer the person in this position 33,500 per year, provided that they make themselves always available for any additional tasks required of them on all weekends and weeknights.

Stoner Not Concerned Which Pot Canada Is Into

Surrey, BC - Stoner and soccer fan Phillipa Gauthier stated that she really wasn’t concerned which pot Canada was into as she indicated, “oh man, you know… it’s all good.”

Nobody messes with Canadian Geese.

Defying the immediate concern of many of her counterparts involved in Canadian Men’s Soccer on Twitter, Gauthier stated that everything was, “totally great,” because as she indicated, “like, we qualified… you know… it’s like been a while since that was like the thing that we… um… oh shit… I totally spaced. What are we talking about? You want Timmy’s?”

Indicated a preference for a hybrid Indica, Gauthier waxed rhapsodic about the benefits of a nice Sativa pot before she pivoted to whether pot 4 had the easiest teams to beat.

“If we come out of this playing Iran, then I think that’s a sign for a little tincture with a heavy dose of CBD. If we end up playing Argentina, then I suggest high THC and just go for that gaucho ride.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish talking about whether our fingers are gonna fing or not.

USMNT Fan Devastated As Team Makes World Cup

Fairfax, VA - Muttering, “Now nothing will EVER change,” USMNT fan Tommy Andrews was reportedly devastated after the United States qualified for the World Cup.

“I’m just done, DONE,” stated Andrews to his Twitter account @reformUSSFUSMNT. “I’ve been waging this campaign to bring around the structural changes that will be necessary for the USMNT to compete on a global level and their success has shown that the team, the sport and this federation will never succeed.”

Sources indicate that Andrews has long been complaining about the structure of the US Soccer Federation, the youth men’s team, Major League Soccer’s influence on the national team and the senior men’s playing style as he turned criticism of organizational and playing structures into his entire persona for the last 7 years.

“I truly thought that missing the World Cup would create the possibility of bringing around some kind of change,” stated Andrews. “I truly thought that the devastation we felt would spur our federation to do something different, but here we are in the next World Cup and it is just infuriating.”

Between routinely roasting the lineup choices, coming up with mocking nicknames for Gregg Berhalter and finding unknown United States prospects playing in the second division of Slovenia that are clearly better than an MLS player on the roster, Andrews indicated that all his attempts to improve the federation by speaking out to his 452 followers has failed.

“I’m just moving on. Soccer will never make it here,” stated Andrews.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews pivots from his USMNT hot takes to his podcast about affordable crypto currency.

MLS Podcast Uses Less Time To Explain NFT Than GAM/TAM

Charlotte, NC - Spending roughly 2 minutes stating, “It’s a marker or token that is attached to digital art/media you that shows proof of ownership of that art. That token is backed up by the blockchain, a secure function that tracks and verifies ownership, which creates an entire environment that some people find exceedingly dumb and some people love,” Charlotte FC podcast North Carolina Offside moved on to part 23 of how GAM/TAM and invisible money options create an entire hidden and not reviewed economy within the economy of Major League Soccer.

“We aren’t talking DPs or young DPs and whether or not teams are paying off the salary of players using unique options or additional compensation outside their own contract which may not be subject to the actual salary rules, or even whether the rules are actually being followed at all,” stated host Oscar Jimenez. “What we are talking about is really the entire substructure of accounting options that form the underpinning of successful team management within the entire league that is completely and utterly invisible. Oh yeah, and a tracking system for online art.”

Calling episode 34 the “NFT and TAM/GAM” episode, Jimenez was able to quickly move on from the controversial pairing with the league and touch on it a few times in a reflection of the opaque salary constraints that are faced by fans and teams.

“Really an NFT solution for salaries within the league would be amazing,” stated Jimenez. “Instead what we are left with is the accidental reporting of a salary number by someone in the know once every once and a while and the players union list that is repeatedly stated as being factually inaccurate.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jimenez returns to part 24 of the TAM/GAM/DP explainer as he tries to rough in exactly what TAM/GAM/DP is best utilized for on a team as it relates to green cards and international slots.

USMNT Fan Admits He Only Watched First 5 Minutes Of Game Spending Rest Of World Cup Qualifier On His Phone Arguing About First Five Minutes In Various Facebook Groups, Discord, Reddit, And Twitter

BOSTON - USMNT fan David Thompson admitted that he only watched the first five minutes of the US World Cup Qualifier against Mexico as he spent most of the rest of the world cup qualifier on his phone arguing about a specific play in various Facebook groups, Discord, Reddit and Twitter.

“I’m debating whether it’s worth me going back to actually watch the game,” stated Thompson.

According to sources, Thompson took to his phone after the 5th minute to argue a specific point that he wanted to make to anonymous people on the internet and didn’t look up until the 90th minute when his phone died.

“I just truly believe that if you look at the characteristic of the game that it all changed at the start of the game and that everyone should know that I noticed that,” stated Thompson.

Sources indicate that Thompson posted multiple times per minute after the fifth minute and this all culminated when he screenshot someone on Twitter calling him an idiot and posted that to his discord chat for USMNT, whereupon he entered into a heated argument with someone there about whether he was an idiot and then posted that thread to his friends What’sApp private group.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thompson claims that you don’t need to watch the game when they are draws

Overconfident US Fan Lets Honduran Roofers Know They Are, "Gonna Lose Tonight"

Dallas, TX - Taking his trash out to the corner, overconfident US Soccer fan Travis Anderson yelled, “you’re gonna lose tonight,” to some bewildered American roofers originally from Honduras who were walking shingles up a ladder to the roof of his neighbor’s house.

“We don’t know if he took us as being Mexican or if he actually thinks we are going to lose to Panama,” stated Santos Mejia, foreman. “Honestly, there was a tiny part of me that was impressed that he knew we had a game tonight even as I realized what he was actually doing.”

For his part, Anderson stated, “um, who…. what….. go away,” at his front door to our reporter before posting on his Twitter account @freedominate23745 about Woke Media ambushes.

“I know for a fact that there’s at least 3 Mexicans on his crew,” stated Anderson online. “Because I heard them speaking Spanish.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson dons his Lalas customized Denim kit throwback he bought on Etsy and heads down to the AO watch party.

NWSL Schedule Located On Container Ship Stuck In Suez Canal

CAIRO - Reporters from The Nutmeg News global division were finally able to locate the long lost 2022 National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule as, apparently, the much delayed schedule is actually on a container ship bound for the United States that is stuck in Suez Canal.

“We are desperately reaching out to anyone that can help,” stated one NWSL spokesperson. “We ordered the schedule months ago and it just hasn’t arrived.”

Those in the know stated that the NWSL has enlisted the help of local body shops on the east coast to also attempt to order an NWSL schedule as they have been navigating parts shortages and supply chain issues for years now.

“We placed an order for an NWSL schedule from Ali Baba,” stated Larry Hogan of Fulton’s Body Shop. “Yeah, just trying to help the outfit down the street. We place an order for an NWSL schedule and they place an order for the hood and bumper sensors to a Toyota Camry. It’s a win/win for us and them. Hopefully one of us will get an NWSL schedule in soon.”

For its part, the ship remains stuck in the Suez Canal due to security concerns with the current Russian invasion of Ukraine . However, NWSL sources indicated they thought it could show up any day.

“We will give you a call when it gets here,” stated one NWSL source. “It’s going to be here any day. ANY DAY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL avoids answering any more calls about when the schedule arrives.

San Diego Loyal Announce Insurrection Discount

San Diego, CA - United Soccer League (USL) team San Diego Loyal announced a $17.76 insurrection discount on any new season tickets purchased after they signed Andrew Carleton, part time soccer player and part time insurrectionist that stormed the capital.

Let’s commit an insurrection!

“We welcome everyone from our community,” stated the Loyal. “From those in the LGBTQ+ community to those that think that John F Kennedy Sr is alive and dictating foreign policy using his not-so-deceased son John F Kennedy Jr via a shadow cabal government (although not THAT shadow government ifyouknowhatwemean) who exists to expose child trafficking done at democratic pizza places and places Donald Trump as a Jesus Christ reborn figure head to bring about the bloody revolution which will sweep communists and anti-fascists from the land in a race riot.”

Sources indicate that Carleton was contrite about his former actions as he stated, “I’ve done some things I wasn’t proud of in my youth 12 months ago. I’ve had time to learn and time to earn and time to live, laugh, love and time to stay out of the spotlight so that a team in the United States will give me a chance again because hopefully enough people forgot about all this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton considers whether he should show his video from the capital or not to a black teammate in the locker room in order to convince him that Q is real.

Frustrated Baseball Fans Turn To Local Soccer Teams Like Manchester City

INTERNET - After it was announced that Major League Baseball owners were going to cancel the opening games of the year, frustrated Baseball fans across the United States and Canada stated their intention to turn to local soccer teams like Manchester City.

“I’m a Dodgers fan first and foremost,” stated Dale Williams of Burbank. “And if the owners are gonna do this, then I’m going to look into Manchester City or Liverpool or… you know… maybe something local like Chelsea…. I don’t know. I just need sports.”

Sources indicate that the lack of Baseball options made many sports fans get motivated to find their own team as they turned to a number of internet resources.

“I made a flow chart for SB Nation that indicates which European team you should root for based upon your current Baseball team,” stated one anonymous writer. “I didn’t get paid for it, really, but I think it’ll help a number of people and really drive traffic to the SB Nation website.”

Fan clubs across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to receive the new members as they indicated there was a major increase in interest.

“We have already received a number of inquiries,” stated the official Liverpool supporters club in New York City. “There’s more than a few baseball fans ready to come out for some local games.”

It isn’t all roses, however, as the official supporters club of Burnley for the United States reported no additional interest.

“We actually had a few more people ask if they could transfer their membership over to a Chelsea supporters club,” stated the Burnley US representative David Taft, originally of Burnley.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Baseball fans make the discovery of Promotion and Relegation and ask why it isn’t in place locally.

Misspelling Meme Sweeps MLS As LAFC And NYCFC Get Trendy

Representatives with The Nutmeg News style and life divisions indicate that the Misspelling Meme finally swept across Major League Soccer with Los Angeles Football Club and New York City Football Club the latest examples.

“People everywhere are looking at these somewhat relevant teams as they attempt to get on trend,” stated TNN Lifestyle Editor Phillipa Stewart. “With NYCFC we see the ‘Memebers scarf’, which is clearly an esoteric play on the Members Only trend of the 80s and the reinvention of the jacket in recent years. With LAFC we see a deliberate attempt at trolling Cincinnati by not even acknowledging the correct spelling of the location.”

Sources with the Massachusetts Institute of Psychobabble indicate that there is a deeper meaning to all of this.

“What we see is the Meme Culture War come to light in a way that tries to defray and even kill the ego,” stated Professor Roald Jones. “We see a Meme Ber, not a member. You do not belong, you merely exist to Meme. This is a statement that places the common fan in stark relief against the assailing detritus of the meme economy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we take 2 months to figure out what the hell that means and if we find a place where we can buy a Memeber’s Only Jacket.

Shocking Major League Soccer Season Prediction Has Matt Doyle Finishing 3rd In Eastern Conference

INTERNET - At the start of the 2025 Major League Soccer season, predictions by pundits who watch the league analysis indicate that they believe Matt Doyle will take 3rd place in the Eastern Conference with Andrew Wiebe taking 4th place and Charles Boehm finishing in 7th place and struggling into the playoffs.

“We believe that Matt Doyle had a great offseason,” stated bookmakers at the MGM Grand Holidome of Secaucus. “And the betting line backs this up. A number of simulations have Doyle finishing in 3rd while we believe that Weibe hasn’t done enough to challenge for the supporter’s shield this season.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to a number of oddsmakers who indicated that they were concerned for the season for Boehm.

“We need to see some targeted acquisitions by Boehm,” stated Jurian Stephenson of the Red Rock Roof Inn of Paramus. “Our bookmakers have some detailed items they are watching with regards to his season, although they believe that he will have a great second half.”

For his part, however Boehm took the criticism in stride as he took to his twitter account to state:

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans decry the oddsmakers moving the supporters shield line for Sam Stejskal to +400 due to his strong performance in the pre-season.

Portland Timbers Ask If 5th Investigation Is Free With Completed Punch Card

Portland, OR - The scandal doused organization known as the Portland Timbers reportedly asked if the 5th investigation into the club would be free with a completed punch card.

ITS THOSE PESKY FANS THAT ARE TO BLAME!

“We already have our own investigation and the USSF investigation by Sally Yates, now another investigation into Andy Polo and the league independent investigation so the next one is free, right?” stated one source with the team.

Reportedly, the team fumbled around it its wallet for the investigation punch card after being notified that there would be an independent league investigation into their cover up of Andy Polo’s domestic violence, as they stated, “well at least we should get a free latte out of it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Timbers indicate that they would work hard on repairing the bond between themselves and the fans as soon as the fans apologize for allowing this to happen.

Rec League Roundup: Woman In On Goal Watches Male Midfielder's Shanked Attempt From 45 Yards Out

Des Moines, IA - Nellie Zhang, a forward of Fierce United FC who was in on goal alone and completely wide open, reportedly watched midfielder Chris McMaster’s shanked attempt from 45 yards out as the male player once again sent the ball into the parking lot instead of passing it to her.

“I didn’t see her,” stated McMaster to Zhang as though she wasn’t the player asking for the ball in the first place.

“There was literally nobody around me,” stated Zhang to The Nutmeg News. “He had 3 people in front of him. He looked right at me and shot the ball. It didn’t even look close, just straight over the fence.”

According to friends on Fierce United FC, that marks the 24th time in the last 3 games that McMaster has attempted to shoot the ball from distance instead of passing it to an open female teammate as he remained consistent with his effort.

When pressed about the event more, McMaster said that he, “didn’t know if she had played before and knew what to do.” before putting in his AirPods to begin his, “cool down routine.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McMaster shanks his one attempted pass to Zhang during the next game and blames her positioning.

Soccer Fan Takes Favorite Scarf Out To Dinner For Valentines Day

Arlington, VA - Lacking any other reason to leave the house, soccer fan Paul Williams announced that he would be taking his favorite D.C. United scarf out to dinner for Valentine's Day.

“It’s been with me through thick and thin,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “And it’s days like this where I like to take a step back and spend some time with her one on one.”

Williams reportedly booked an intimate booth for two at the P.F. Changs on Vermont street in an effort to rekindle the romance he had with his scarf that is affectionately named “Betsy”

“Betsy has seen the best and the worst of me and she is still here,” stated Williams. “She even stuck around when I was vomiting up Cointreau in the bathroom of the Holiday Inn in Chattanooga. She’s a keeper for certain.”

Williams indicated that it hasn’t always been orange flavor puke and rally in a hotel bathroom in Tennessee, there’s been bad times as well.

“Yeah the playoff loss in 2015 against New Jersey. That was painful. But Betsy was there to pick me up when I was down and she just comforted me with all the warmth that she could give.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams is chastised for spending his entire date night on the phone.

Los Angeles Rams Fan Irate That Super Bowl Win Doesn’t Get Them Into NFL Club World Cup

Pasadena, CA - Long suffering Los Angeles Rams fan Isaac Thurgood stated that he was absolutely furious that the recent victory in the Super Bowl would not qualify the squad for the NFL Club World Cup as he stated, “We could absolutely TAKE that competition.”

“It’s just disrespect again to American sports by the world. We can take the Amsterdam Admirals, but they won’t even give us a chance. It’s pathetic, and another sport treating the US as lesser.”

Thurgood then cited the NFLs harsh travel schedule as a reason the Rams would conquer the NFL Club World Cups as well as their ability to be efficient under a salary cap.

“If we make it into the NFL Club World Cup we can look at paying down Leonard Floyd to a TAM contract and we can sign another DP,” stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News. “I’m telling you that we have a serious chance to take out the teams in Dubai this year. Teams see so many different climates in the NFL, I think they’d be able to handle any climate that would be needed to win.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Thurgood starts 234 page BigFootball.com thread about how a lack of Promotion Relegation is hurting the NFL.

Every Song Idea Suggested By Parent For Supporters Group Sourced From Encanto

CHICAGO - Sources indicate that every song idea suggested by Joe Anderson, the parent of 7 year old daughter Emma and 10 year old son Davis, was sourced from Encanto as the quest by Anderson to rid himself or infect everyone with the songbook of the movie continues.

“We don’t talk about Calvo, no no no. We don’t talk about CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALVO!”

“It all started with the ‘We Don’t Talk About Calvo’ remix, which really just sent things into overdrive after he went to San Jose,” stated Anderson. “In the end I’ve re-written a bunch of different options that I think will work.”

Styling himself as the Lin Manuel Miranda of the Chicago Fire, Anderson sent an email to our reporter stating, “ALL THAT IS HOLY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I CANT GET THESE FUCKING SONGS OUT OF MY BRAIN,” as he repeatedly asked everyone that he knew in the Fire fanbase if they felt that Waiting On A Miracle was an appropriate song for 2022.

According to sources with Section 8, they repeatedly told Anderson that his songs are too complicated.

However, Anderson stated that he felt that the fans in the stands were ready for a 12 verse reggaeton beat song that references the entire experience of the Fire fanbase over the past 10 years, as soon as he has a word with the drummers.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson claims, “WE JUST GOTTA POISON OURSELVES TO IT AND THEN IT WILL DIE,” as he turns the soundtrack on in the car during a 4 hour road trip with his family.