Revolution Fan Concerned That Excellent 2021 Play Will Make Their Inevitable Loss In Postseason Even More Devastating

BOSTON - New England Revolution fan Chuck McGill stated that he was concerned that the excellent 2021 play of the team will make their inevitable loss in the postseason even more devastating as he thought back on all the seasons past.

“I was excited for 2002, and 2005. I was worried in 2006, perplexed in 2007 and just fatalistic in 2014,” stated McGill. “And now, at this point, I’m just concerned that this inevitable loss will only be more devastating to me.”

With the Revolution coming in second during five MLS Cup Finals, McGill stated that he is just waiting for the supporters shield season to be over in order to celebrate the achievement before pretending like the playoffs is, “a bunch of bullshit.”

“It’s not even a REAL test of your overall team,” stated McGill on Facebook. “It’s just a random number generator for teams that get lucky. It’s complete bullshit! We should have the winner of the league be the supporters shield and call it good. No playoffs anymore.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McGill watches every game between the cracks in his fingers as he sits on his couch staring at the television waiting for the end.

"Someone Should Really Get The Portland Thorns Organization Under Control," States Owner Of Portland Thorns

Portland, OR - Releasing a letter to the general populace, Portland Thorns owner Merritt Paulson stated, “Someone should really get the Portland Thorns organization under control,” before adding that he was shocked, today, at the revelations that he received via email 6 years ago.

“Had I known at all today that I’d be reading about the relevations that I received 6 years ago my past self would be stunned,” stated Paulson in an open letter to fans. “I wouldn’t have sent fawning communications and general banter publicly to the man accused of abuse if I had known now what I knew then. That would just be considered insanely inappropriate.”

The Thorns owner then blasted the out of control culture of permissive toxicity that permeated the Thorns front office as he announced an investigation into whoever was responsible for the culture of the Thorns front office by, “whatever method I feel is best.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the investigation started by the people who did the previous investigation finds that the previous investigation was valid.

Witty Soccer Fan Wakes Up To Find All The Landon Donovan Statue Jokes Taken

Seattle, WA - Witty soccer fan Ashley Haverbrook woke up, this morning, ready to make fun of the recent Landon Donovan statue only to find out that all the statue jokes were taken.

“Ah, goddammit,” muttered Haverbrook as she scrolled through her phone at all the jokes and takes that piled upon any original idea until it turned those good ideas into overwrought ideas run into the ground repeatedly that were good enough for a Bleacher Report video. “I was gonna have fun with this one.”

Haverbrook had to work late on Sunday and ended up trying to unwind at 11:45 pm while watching an episode of Community on Netflix thus causing her to not wake up until all the jokes were taken.

“Everything just moves so fast,” stated Haverbrook. “If you aren’t perpetually online when someone drops the picture of the insane Landon Donovan statue you miss the feast. By the time I came online all the lower tier Twitter accounts were fighting over the remaining viscera and the big accounts had drug away half a leg to gnaw on for the remaining 12 hours that this remains relevant.”

For her part, Haverbrook stated that she would attempt to be online more as she figures out a way to carve out time during her job and life to check in on Twitter, Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, and Discord in order to be relevant.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Haverbrook experiences a severe uptick in depression.

Splitter Supporters Group Splits From Splinter Group After Splitter Group Argues That Splinter Group Has, "Become Everything We Fought Against"

Des Moines, IA - Splitter supporters group Paul’s Boutique announced, today, that they were splitting from the splinter group 125 Casuals that formed from other dissident members of the Des Moines Football Club supporters group South Stand Ultras as the sub-sub group lambasted the group’s group stating it has, “become everything we fought against.”

“I didn’t intentionally form a group of friends in one section of the stands that somewhat came from another group of friends in a larger portion of the stands to combat the original group of friends with a non-social, non-dues paying ultras collective to have it become the status quo responsible for the quiet death of the supporters group culture in the stands,” stated Paul’s Boutique member Ezra Hastings. “This was supposed to be the group that was loud and rowdy and instead we are having online meetings about chant sheets!”

Hastings split off the 125 Casuals from the South Stand Ultras due to their perceived lack of action on gameday as he attempted to create a unified front of people who, “want to be loud without all the drama.” However, he quickly realized that the politics and organization of the splinter group were too much like the parent group and so he started a splitter group off the splinter group that would allow him to take back control.

“The ultras were just not listening to those of us who want to push things,” stated Hastings. “And the Casuals were too much like the Ultras in the end. I’ll keep organizing sub-sub-sub groups until we are all lighting off flares with the giddy fervor of a Balkan terrace or I burn out and stay at home complaining about the people that won’t listen to me.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings creates a new twitter account to announce that he is leaving his old twitter account as it has too many followers and has gone corporate.

"We'll Get Through This Together," States Chicago Fire Fan To The Remaining 5 People In His Section

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire supporter James Malcom attempted to rally the troops in his section by loudly proclaiming “We’ll get through this together,” to the remaining 5 people that sat dispersed near him.

“Nothing we haven’t been through before” said Malcom turning to someone he thought was there,” oh right forgot Allen left years ago.”

With the Fire holding Nashville to a enthralling 0-0 draw at home Malcom attempted to raise the energy as he turned to the empty seat next to him and exclaimed, “C’mon SEAN! LETS GET LOUD.”

“It’s kind of like Groundhog Day but for soccer,” said Malcom, painting a Wicky Out over his Pauno Out sign,” but we’re resilient I think.”

Section 8 Chicago was said to have reached out to get a gauge of who was coming to the upcoming anniversary party, and got 3 responses back, all of which asking about if they were the contact for housing.

We reached out to the supporters group and received the following response, “Games are still pretty fun, you get to see your friends you’ve been going through this forever with. Were gonna support this team no matter what,” which Nutmeg News only got as a quote because it was the Section 8 Chicago Director of Communications default voicemail.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soon as we get someone to return our calls from the Chicago Fire Front Office about the future plans to reinvigorate the team.

FC Cincinnati Announce That Future Manager To-Be-Named Has Also Been Relieved Of His Duties For The 2022 Season

Cincinnati, OH - FC Cincinnati announced, today, that their future manager to-be-named as Jaap Stam’s replacement has also been relieved of his duties from the 2022 season as they planned for the second succession out from the manager they will appoint to replace the interim manager at the end of the season.

“Whoever we hire in the future has already been removed from the position in the future and we would like to thank whoever they are for everything they have done for FC Cincinnati during their eventual time here,” stated the FC Cincinnati press release.

Reactions to the future move of removing the eventual ex-coach of FC Cincinnati were mixed as fans weren’t entirely certain how many games that the future coach would’ve lost at this time when the team fires him next year.

“Look, I need to know if we are on a 10 game losing streak or only a 5 game losing streak,” stated one FC Cincinnati fan. “I’m going to use a Ouji Board to find out our expected goals and tactics over the next year and a half to see whether I need to be upset about this or not.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Cincinnati appoint a caretaker to replace the caretaker that they appointed from a mediocre European team in the future.

Beautiful Autumnal Morning Has Ebullient Steve Baldwin Asking, "What Else Can I Do To Screw Up The Washington Spirit"

WASHINGTON - Sources indicate that a beautiful autumnal morning has an ebullient Steve Baldwin asking, “what else can I do to screw up the Washington Spirit,” as the owner of the team looked at possibly taking away the access to water for the rest of the season.

“I feel so light and airy….. so fancy free….. perhaps if I increase practice to 8 hour sessions,” mused Baldwin to a reflection of himself in a full length mirror. “Or perhaps if I institute that Boy Will Be Boys can be the new HR policy of the team. OH THE THINGS I CAN THINK.”

Baldwin was increasingly spite filled but in a joyous way over his ownership of the National Women’s Soccer League team as he looked to escalate the situation in defiance of fans across the league asking him to sell.

“Sell the team, Steve? To Whom! No one wants a distressed asset! It’s all mine! ALL MINE! From now on we will be requiring all players to train using LuLaRoe leggings so that they can sell them to other players in the league on the side. From now on our training will be fueled by Huel meal replacement! THERE IS NO BOTTOM!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL considers shutting down the team.

USL League Two Fullback Excited To Get Game Time With MLS Team During Nations Cup

Bryan, TX - Fullback Jeff Richardson of Brazos Valley Cavalry F.C. in the United Soccer League League Two Mid South Division stated that he was excited to get some game time with an MLS team during the newly announced Nations Cup as MLS teams struggle to handle the minutes in the 43 competitions in which they will be playing.

“I’ve already been contacted about being ready to start for a few team in the league next season,” stated Richardson to The Nutmeg News. “I’m excited with the possibility of starting against Cruz Azul or Tigres when the teams that have contacted me decide to line up against a Liga MX team with players they scoured off the waiver wire and lower league teams due to the salary cap, roster rules, and complete indifference that repeatedly hamstring their teams.”

Sources indicate that the Houston Dynamo and FC Dallas may be two of the teams interested in having Richardson start at fullback as they indicate that they think they can get a scrappy 3-1 loss against Tigres with a mix of USL League 2 players and the deep reserves that they have on their roster.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as owners and management claim they are going to take this seriously before injuries and fatigue have them rolling out US Open Cup level lineups.

Pensive Joe Biden Debates Pulling United States Out Of CONCACAF Champions League After Soccer Nation-Building Fails

WASHINGTON - Stating, "We can't keep repeating the mistakes of the past," a pensive Joe Biden is reportedly considering pulling all United States infrastructure out of the CONCACAF Champions League.

“The soccer nation-building has failed,” stated the President according to insider sources. “There’s nothing low grade or low risk or low cost about any CONCACAF game. It’s time to end the participation of our forces in the CONCACAF Champions League.”

The President indicated that he believed that the evacuation of the Philadelphia Union from the 2021 CONCACAF Champions League was a, “major success,” despite the failures involved even as Liga MX teams celebrated their “independence” from MLS teams with luke warm indifference.

"We cannot abandon our translators and possible future USMNT players in Guatemala and Mexico," stated one anonymous USSF source. "This is madness! We just need to pump in some more money to stabilize this soccer nation! All we need is more time and a couple trillion more dollars spent on converting our nations basketball and football players into soccer players in order to make this happen. Trust me, Soccer will become the DOMINANT force in US Sports. I know we’ve been saying this for nearly a hundred years, but we just need more money and another hundred years and we will get there."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when MLS teams get knocked out of the 2022 CONCACAF Champions League.

Detroit City Fan Launches Against Modern Connect Four Campaign

Detroit, MI - Detroit City fan Harvey Lawrence took to the internet, today, to announce his Against Modern Connect Four campaign as he lambasted the team for participating in a electronic version of the game that, “disenfranchises the common connect four player who wants a fully tactile and accessible experience.”

According to Lawrence, “MLS teams do online Connect Four, Not my club #againstmodernconnectfour,” as he slammed the team for participating in an online gaming scheme that, “has no connection to its local roots.”

“I want to see connect four courts built locally here in the Detroit area instead of just creating connect four online where only those of us that are available to play in the online space must compete. I believe in an open system of connect four that allows all people across the United States to play connect four.”

For his part, Lawrence created an esoteric pin set displaying his AMC4 branding to reference his Against Modern Connect Four campaign as he acknowledged that his stance has some holes.

“Yes, I am aware that by participating in society at large and utilizing Twitter to get out my message that I’m also participating in the very segment of society that I detest, but this is the best way I can get out my messaging and I’m paying for a Connect Four credit to subsidize my usage of Twitter in this way.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Connect Four Ultras display their moving Red Piece protest T.I.F.O

Lost FIFA Officials Ask Waze For Directions To Boston Soccer Stadium From Foxborough

Foxborough, MA - Lost FIFA officials touring potential World Cup stadium locations asked GPS navigation app Waze for directions to the Boston Soccer Stadium as they toured Gillette Stadium in Foxborough.

“This is very nice, but is there a location in Boston,” asked FIFA Official Gianni Esfalda.

With Robert Kraft’s assistant giving a non-committal grunt, as he showed the FIFA officials around the New England Patriot’s locker room, the FIFA officials took to the internet and Waze to find their way into the city center.

“I was imagining less of abandoned space ship sitting in the middle of nowhere vibe,” stated Esfalda. “More of a city infrastructure and place of fans to eat and drink and congregate.”

With Kraft’s assistant pointing out Capriotti’s Sandwich Shop and the Scorpion Bar at Patriot Place, the officials asked if there was a way they could see the city before they asked Siri if there was somewhere else that was at all, “cool and had something to do with soccer,” in the area.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the FIFA officials change their mind after allegedly receiving the gifts to encourage their decision.

Washington Spirit Sign COVID-19 For Midfield Depth

WASHINGTON - The Washington Spirit, today, announced that they signed COVID-19 for midfield depth pending a team physical.

“We are tired of fighting the virus when the thing we should be doing is signing the virus to a long term contract,” stated Washington Sprit owner Steve Baldwin. "Our players have already shown that they can deal with COVID-19 in the locker room so we don’t expect this move to cause any disruption.”

New Spirit President Ben Olsen indicated that he was excited with the prospect as he stated, “COVID-19 can play any position while being on the attack and the defense. It is the epitome of a modern box to box player and we expect to see additional games with COVID-19 leading the line.”

Sources indicate that some Spirit players are upset that they may lose game time to COVID-19, however their concerns went unheard as the Spirit forged ahead with the acquisition of the virus.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Spirit release a limited edition COVID-19 kit that celebrates their league first forfeit.

FC Dallas Announce Mountain Dew Drone Strike Kiss Cam At 9-11 Game

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas, today, announced that their upcoming 9-11 game against the San Jose Earthquakes would feature $9.11 tickets and the debut of their Mountain Dew Drone Strike Kiss Cam.

“Get caught unawares at the next game,” stated Dan Hunt, owner of FC Dallas. “Our drone operators are on the hunt and we are looking for the next target to strike! It could be you!”

Sources indicate that the Mountain Drew Drone Strike may target groups of schoolchildren and journalists in order to warm up the crowd before finding amorous couples in search of a lonely place to neck.

“You can buy high resolution photos of the drone strike at our Avoid The Noid First Responders Doritos Cool Ranch Fund Raiser Photo Booth,” stated Hunt. “And don’t forget to take a picture with our authentic life size replica Mission Accomplished banner, before the game begins.”

Fans were also encouraged to visit the concourse at half time to buy the new promotional "Burritos of Mass Destruction" but as of this writing, no fans or journalists were successful in finding them.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dan Hunt denies any of this took place.

Journalist Refuses To Acknowledge Weston McKennie Rumor Obtained From Unverified Twitter Account Referencing A Reddit Post Describing A Spanish Twitter Thread Collected From Anonymous German Sources

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Prominent soccer journalist Steve Candelvoss refused to acknowledge a salacious Weston McKennie rumor that was obtained from an unverified Twitter account that referenced a Reddit post that described a translated Spanish Twitter thread that had information that was collected from anonymous German sources as Candelvoss, clearly in the pocket of the US Soccer cabal, stated that he needed verified 1st hand sources.

“I didn’t spend 5 years at college getting a business degree so I could become a project manager for a stroller manufacturer in order to watch you DRAG SOCCER JOURNALISM INTO DISRIPUTE”

Indicating, “We don’t report unsubstantiated rumors,” Candelvoss clearly was carrying water for US Soccer and allowing them to continue to wallow in mediocrity, according to @AORedWhiteBlueBalls on Twitter.

“CANDELVOSS IS PART OF THE GIANT GLOBAL CONSPIRACY,” ranted @AORedWhiteBlueBalls. “THERE’S MILLIONS OF US THAT WILL REPLACE YOU IF YOU DONT REPORT THE TRUTH.”

For his part, Candelvoss admitted that his sources didn’t give him any information that he could use, yet. However, this wasn’t good enough for the online sleuths who demanded that he take matters into his own hands.

“If it was ME, I would break into his apartment and go through his trash,” stated @AORedWhiteBlueBalls. “I just bought a lock pick kit on Amazon and I’ll be damned if a felony is going to keep me from discovering exactly why Gregg Berhalter and Carlos Cordeiro are actually at fault for all of this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Candelvoss shows his cowardice by only re-tweeting some other journalists sourced reports about McKennie instead of accosting the player physically with a camera crew and microphone outside a training facility.

Berhalter To Blame For Fan's Erectile Dysfunction

United States - Stating, “BERHALTER IS TO BLAME,” USMNT fan Jacob Stephens used the head coach of the United States Men’s team as the reason why he has been unable to obtain tumescence in recent weeks.

“This is all Gregg Berhalter’s fault,” wrote Stephens on his twitter account @USMNT1776PulisicGunsGod. “It is directly his fault that I no longer can obtain an erection and if he made earlier substitutions then I would again see the growing fruits of my labor.”

Sources indicate that Stephens obtained a moment of flaccid clarity when he realized that the banishment of Weston McKennie happened right as his formerly turgid member dipped south for the winter.

“My member is now just as limp as the USMNT” stated Stephens to our reporter. “It won’t be right until we are the best team in the world as manifest destiny claimed we would be. The only way to return my bald admiral to standing at the prow of my ship is to have the USMNT finally claim their own ship, a Championship.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephens blames the media and “noob soccer fans” for his burning and itching sensations.

American Soccer Fans Call Out For Nationwide Intra-League Cup Competition After Exciting Canadian Championship Game

United States Of America - Soccer fans across the country called out for the formation of a nationwide Intra-League cup competition after watching the exciting Canadian Championship game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Pacific FC.

“We could model it after the Canadian Championship and have teams from different leagues play in it,” stated one soccer fan from El Paso.

“It could be the biggest thing in the United States…. like March Madness but with amateur teams taking on professional teams,” stated a soccer fan from Chicago.

Sources indicate that fans across the nation started a petition to the governing bodies of the game to try to bring them to the table to negotiate for a cup tournament that would showcase all the levels of soccer in the United States.

“Can you imagine the Seattle Sounders having to travel to Madison to take on Forward Madison in front of a packed stadium,” stated one anonymous league source. “It’s BRILLIANT! We could have all of this compressed into a tight time frame like the NCAA basketball tournament! People would tune in to watch the giant killers take on the professional teams in front of their own home crowds!”

For their part, the television networks indicated their tepid interest in the idea with ESPN stating that they had a third tier streaming option that would allow people to view 39% of the games if they also sign up for a $400 television service that live streams Skip Bayless into their home at all times.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Herbalife Challenge Cup kicks off in 2045 on the Hollister Channel, brought to you by Crackel.

Vancouver Whitecaps Reach Out To Pacific FC Fans Offering Them Years Of Crippling Depression If Fans Trade In A Pacific FC Scarf At Tonight's Game

VANCOUVER - The front office of the Vancouver Whitecaps reached out, on social media, to fans of Pacific FC ahead of their Canadian Championship match with an offer of years of crippling depression if fans trade in a Pacfic FC scarf at tonight’s game.

The Whitecaps lauded their history in Major League Soccer as they offered Pacific FC fans their own customized form of Whitecaps depression.

“Just imagine sitting on a street corner at the end of the year wondering what happened as you join all of your fellow fans in having a virtual beer as you simultaneously try to convince yourself that commuting in from Kelowna wouldn’t be that bad, anyway. With the Whitecaps run of form, you can customize your depression from social issues with the club, player problems or the parade of head coaches and staff bringing a nearly unending run of disappointment and depression that’s followed the Whitecaps from 2011 to 2021.”

Touting their commitment to commitment, the Whitecaps stated that joining the fraternity of fans that watch their games offers Pacific FC fans a chance to be real fans of a real team that very clearly isn’t based upon winning all the time.

“It’s easy to be a fan of the #1 team in the Canadian Premier League,” stated the Whitecaps on social media. “But just imagine being a fan of the 19th team in Major League Soccer. That’s how you build character.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jake Edwards of Langford considers the option before realizing he already has enough depression stocked up from the last two years.

Skills Challenge To Replace Remainder Of 2021 MLS And Liga MX Regular Season

LOS ANGELES - After a 30 minute conversation in the hallway of the Banc of California Stadium, Major League Soccer and Liga MX came to an accord that would replace the remainder of the 2021 season for both leagues with an intra-league week by week skills challenge.

“Our fans demanded this,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “And we are known for giving them what they want. The rest of the 2021 season will now be a week by week, team against team skills battle for supremacy in North America.”

The first challenge will come when Pumas travels north to face the red hot New England Revolution.

“We are out here to crack some plates and score some points, yo,” stated a ebullient Bruce Arena. “I’m telling the team to focus on the 10 point corners and the 20 point moving target. It’s a new age in soccer.”

Sources with the Revolution indicate that Arena took them to The Greatest Bar in Boston to play skee ball in preparation for the touch challenge.

“He was yelling at us about preparation and mental fortitude as we tried to aim only for the 100 point holes,” stated one anonymous player. “He just kept yelling that champions aren’t made at 10 points a pop.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the European teams threaten to break off into their own Super Skills Challenge league.

Supporters' Group Celebrates Trailblazing Fan Who Brought Black Friend To Game For Juneteenth

Des Moines, IA - Supporters Group “The Justice Brigade” honored James Lipscott for bringing a black friend to their recent game on Juneteenth as they celebrated having a diverse supporters group.

Artists Rendition

“James really went out on a limb for us and we want to show our appreciation by making him the Fan Of The Month,” stated SG director Frank Williams.

The day was not without tension, as things reportedly were “on edge” when James asked if any other Black fans were at the game, but things cooled down when an SG member pointed out they had a Black player.

Most supporters members forgot the friends name 4 minutes after he arrived, but they remarked that the black friend was very nice and well spoken as they categorically stated that he must have had a good time.

Sources indicated that after a few minutes most supporters went back to reminiscing about 2005, and James reportedly was told “you haven’t put in the work” when he asked what it takes to be a capo, but the SG marked a monumental moment in finally having a Black fan.

“It should be clear to all now that we are an accepting and open supporters group, We have increased our diversity by 10000% now, and it’s because of our welcoming atmosphere,” stated Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the supporters group forgets this ever happened

Area Man Doesn’t Remember Revs Logo But Misses It Already

Secaucus, NJ - Vinny Marino, a plumber from the Secaucus area, stated that he doesn’t really fully remember the New England Revolution logo but that he misses it already.

RIP to the original logo.

“Hey,” stated Marino. “That change is a real bummer. I don’t remember exactly what it looks like but just like my grandpa… you can’t bring it back when its gone no matter how hard you try.”

When asked about his 10 years of comments saying that the logo “looked like a 5 year old drew it” he responded that that was “before it was historic.”

"In fact," stated Mr. Marino. "You could say it was the general... you know... shittiness of the whole thing that made it great. It’s a great shitty. It's like a shitty coal being put into a shitty oyster and turning into a shitty emerald that everyone appreciates, shittly."

When asked what he wanted the logo to look like he only said, “not that.”

And when asked whether he would accept any change to the logo he stated, “Let’s just go changing up our constitution then, right? That’s what’s next? Right? You gonna miss me with that one.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Marino fondly remembers whatever other team gets rebranded and shakes his head slowly.