"Alphonso Davies," States Marc Dos Santos In Response To Media Questions

San Jose, CA - During the post-match press conference following the Vancouver Whitecaps 0-3 loss to the San Jose Earthquakes, Head Coach Marc Dos Santos responded to 16 separate questions by simply saying Alphonso Davies’ name.

Dos Santos, whose team is at the bottom of the Western Conference after their 4th straight defeat, showed up at the podium wearing Davies’ Bayern Munich #19 jersey and accompanying scarf. After 16 straight Alphonso Davies responses, Dos Santos was finally asked if he had any idea what he was doing. At that point, the coach proudly held up a Davies Canadian National Team kit and began singing “O’ Canada” at the top of his lungs.

Axel Schuster, Vancouver Sporting Director and CEO, stood in support of his coach repeating the name of their former player.

“Alphonso Davies. ALPHONSO DAVIES. AL. PHON. SO. DAVIES. He plays for Bayern, you know. BAYERN MUNICH, not Bayer Leverkusen. Alphonso Davies career is the pinnacle and greatest achievement of our franchise in Major League Soccer,” Schuster Explained. “We are strongly considering a rebrand to the name Alphonso Davies FC.”

A member of the Whitecaps media team immediately reminded Schuster that the club won the 2015 Canadian Championship which then caused the entire room to erupt into uncontrollable laughter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dos Santos asks the players to channel the spirit of Alphonso Davies before their next game.

"Against Modern Politics," States Man Fuming At Harris/Pence Split Scarf

Salt Lake City, UT - Democrat Supporters Group member Ralph Hughes stated that he was, “against modern politics,” as he fumed at the Harris/Pence split scarf being sold outside the 2020 Vice Presidential Debates.

“Politics for Fans not CNN,” stated Hughes to his Twitter account @RedStateBrigade. “I remember when the old arles would bust up with different firms before the Vice Presidential debates, not this modern politics shite.”

Hughes then went on a lengthy diatribe about how vice presidential debates used to be back before national television contracts and vice-presidents on 500k a week.

“Back during Dole v Mondale a bunch of us jumped a rival crew from the Dole Bill, as they were called back then,” stated Hughes wistfully over an imported Buckfast. “Oh but those were good times. I remember Teddy Williams of the Blue Dogs holding the severed stump of a Dole Patrol placard and beating down a spry Strom Thurmond look-a-like who was advocating for segregation. He kept yelling and we kept beating. That was before cell phone cameras, you see.”

According to Hughes, even the fashion changed from those early battles as he stated, “why when we went to go battle with the Quayle Firms we lifted a bunch of clobber from Lacoste, The Vested Gentress, and The Lilly. At that point they started calling us the Preppy Lads Crew. It was a fine time to be alive. A beak full of hooter and beating the living shit out of a Dan Quayle fan, ahhhhh memories.”

The Nutmeg News will have more of this as Hughes continues mumbling to himself about the good old days as he walks by 10 teenagers getting beaten by the police for trying to do a tik tok regarding Black Lives Matter outside the debate.

Fans THRILLED As Teased Player Signing Turns Out To Be 19 Year Old Midfielder From USL Team

Soccer fans across the nation were reportedly thrilled when a teased player player signing for their team turned out to be a 19 year old midfielder who is not expected to contribute immediately from their USL affiliate.

“Wow, the news I’ve been waiting for so long to hear,” stated one fan online. “Here i was hoping it would be an international prospect or a player that could help in defense or a player that could score goals, but no… we finally got an answer for the time in the US Open Cup when we need an additional body at the 85th minute.”

Sources with the team indicate that they do not think they overhyped the player signing as they stated, “this shows what our fans have long hoped. That yes, we do have a pipeline from our academy to the first team. We expect him to contribute as a substitute after he finally gets a handle on the rigors of the first team. The fans are going to really be excited in 2022 or 2023.”

For their part, the supporters group issued their statement welcoming him to the team even as many members prepared for his inevitable departure in a few years.

“It’s great to have this new signing, but it doesn’t really fix any of our problems,” stated one anonymous blogger. “It’s going to be amazing, though, when I see him playing for Rochester or Richmond in a few years in the US Open Cup.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans announce their confusion as the player is immediately loaned back to the USL side for, “more opportunities to play”

Oakland Roots Forced To Take Detroit Lions With Them After NISA Championship Loss

Detroit, MI - After losing 2-1 to Detroit City FC, the Oakland Roots were forced to take the Detroit Lions home with them as a condition of the terms of a “loser gets the lions” bet between the two teams.

Stating, “Dear God, what have we done,” a crestfallen Jordan Ferrell reportedly loaded up the infrastructure of the Lions into the team bus they chartered to take them back to the airport. “I know we lost the Raiders, but we’d just prefer to not have a team.”

Lions executive Dean Logan stated, “We are just excited to be wanted. It feels great having a fresh start.”

According to long time Oakland native Jerome Montgomery, he isn’t particularly thrilled for the situation.

“We’ve had enough misery over the years. This just feels cruel. We did not ask for the lions. We don’t need the Lions forced upon us, can’t you just let us suffer with this loss in peace?”

Detroit fans, however, were adamant that the Oakland Roots abide by the terms of their bet as they stated, “No, NO NO. A deals a deal. The loser takes the Lions and the winner gets to just bask in an entire season without watching Matt Stafford have a turnover during a crucial drive. We are the NISA champions and they are now Lions fans, that’s how it works.”

For his part, Montgomery stated, “I just hope that the Lions are prepared to move after 10 to 20 years. That’s just how football works around here. We should’ve just left them there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Oakland Roots ask whether they can sponsor the gentrification of a part of the city instead.

Area Man Concerned That Societal Changes Are Forcing Him To Not Call Opponents Homophobic Slurs During Games

Lincoln, NE - Rec league soccer player Davis Williams stated that he was concerned that societal changes are forcing him to not call opponents homophobic slurs during games as he stated, “Look, I’m for free speech,” in a Facebook comment.

According to a number of comments repeatedly made to Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit, Williams put forth his opinion that he isn’t a bigot, but that he thinks that he should be able to call a player literally every horrible slur possible during a game.

“I don’t hate,” stated Williams, "but I do think that belittling someone about their sexuality or race during a game is fair play. After all, what is sports but a vehicle for pure unadulterated hatred of someone’s sexuality or race to the point where they are unable to play a pass so that my team can win.”

Friends state that Williams is frequently verbally abusive during games as one time he abused a player on the field that he thought was gay until that player started weeping and walked off the field.

“But you know, after he spent 70 minutes or so calling him a bunch of horrible slurs he went over and said no hard feelings. So I’m sure everything is totally fine,” stated friend Will Sanders.

For his part, Williams said, “I have a gay friend,” as he defended his frequent use of these slurs. “And he’s totally fine with all of this stuff, I’m sure.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it turns out that Williams also likes to use slurs online and then tell people, “lighten up, it’s just a joke.”

Who IS This Coach Landon Donovan? And How Long HAS He Been Involved With Soccer?!

As part of our investigative journalism series, we dispatched writer Rory Kilmartin to find out WHO this Landon Donovan is that is raising such a fuss in San Diego and why he won’t just turn a blind eye to racism and homophobia.

In a world of pretenders and amateur experts…… Where did this so-called coach Landon Donovan come from and how long HAS he been involved with soccer?

One of these men is Landon Donovan. No one could answer which of the two he actually is, though.

Online, unsourced reports indicate that this is Mr. Donovan’s first coaching assignment. Prior to this, there is no mention of his coaching credentials. Exactly what does this say about the United States when an unknown, unsung and totally anonymous player gets such a high profile position of a head coach of a team in the UNITED Soccer League.

Such positions are typically given to people who played before such as former college player Rick Schantz who had three solid years of playing under his belt and who then waited 15 years, as is required, before appointing himself to the position of head coach for FC Tucson after founding the team.

How will this country ever become a true soccer nation if the reigns of one of the most prestigious coaching positions in the general San Diego area are given to a virtual nobody with no real world soccer experience.

It boggles the mind and it dulls the senses. After showing his true hand with regards to rejecting racism and homophobia even at the expense of himself and his own ego, is this Landon Donovan even AMERICAN? These and other questions will be answered in our follow up piece.

“Landon Donovna: The Things We Learned On Wikipedia”

Past Rick Schantz Announces Condemnation Of Present Rick Schantz As Future Rick Schantz Attempts To Stop Them Both

Phoenix, AZ - Three different iterations of current Phoenix Rising head coach Rick Schantz appeared at the Rising front offices as their corporeal forms were torn from the annals of time to give warning and condemnation on the present head coach’s handling of one of his players using a homophobic slur.

Past Rick Schantz was reportedly apoplectic as he stated, “For me as a coach, in my mind, with my players, an immediate reaction would have been more warranted,” Schantz said. “If that ever happened to us, I would expect our players to support and defend each other.”

Past Schantz offered support for the San Diego Loyal and Landon Donovan for their courageous step as he blasted himself in the future for being a coward in exactly the moment he was talking about.

https://cronkitenews.azpbs.org/2020/09/30/rising-loyal-racial-slur/

Future Schantz offered a warning to both Present Schantz and Past Schantz as he stated, “You dumb idiots. You don’t realize what you’ve done. There’s no coming back from this. My god, I must end all of this.”

Scientists state that Future Schantz is actually proof that Past Schantz does nothing and just continues upon his way until he tries to excuse homophobia on the soccer field.

Sources indicate that Future Schantz and Past Schantz engaged in an attempted fight but as soon as Future Schantz touched Past Schantz they both exploded into nothingness as they couldn’t occupy the same space and time.

Left alone at the Phoenix front office was Present Schantz who is, according to all sources, rightfully screwed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as online anonymous titter accounts try to excuse the behavior of of Rick Schantz,

Colorado Rapids To Field Plague Carrying Prairie Dogs For Upcoming Games

Denver, CO - Major League Soccer (MLS) side Colorado Rapids indicated that after suffering a number of COVID related positive tests among their team and their coaching staff that they would be forced to field a starting 11 that consisted of plague carrying prairie dogs for their upcoming games.

“The league will not let us forfeit so instead we are going to put out a lineup that will allow us to play the next few games while our staff and players are in quarantine,” stated one anonymous front office source. “It’s only the fleas that have the plague so it’ll be fine.”

Sources indicate that the team considered postponing the game only to have the league demand that the Rapids play.

“The show must go on, even if the back four are going to be looking to burrow under the field instead of pass the ball across it,” stated Don Garber.

For their part, the Rapids training staff is attempting to zoom coach the new signings into a narrow 4-2-3-1 as they attempted to give instruction on what to do with the ball.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Prairie Dogs complain about the artificial grass in Portland and their inability to build a burrow below the field.

Residents Of Foreign Lands Paralyzed With Fear As White Americans Threaten To Emigrate After Debate

WORLD - Residents of foreign lands around the world are reportedly paralyzed with fear as white Americans threatened to emigrate out of the country after the Presidential debate on Tuesday evening.

THE AMERICANS ARE COMING! THE AMERICANS ARE COMING!

“They made America so unbearable already, which country will be next?” stated one Danish man who asked to remain anonymous. “Most of the things that make our country attractive are only there because people like this didn’t get a say in it happening.”

According to one German citizen, they are worried about which Americans may soon show up as they stated, “It’s really like, which White American will we get? The one that is a Trump fan, or the one that isn’t a Trump fan but left all the poor people of color to fend for themselves? We already have a white supremacy problem so maybe letting more white supremacists and their enablers into this country isn’t a good idea..”

As part of our global coverage, our reporters reached out to a source in Nigeria who had the following to say, “We know for an absolute fact they are not coming here. They’re not wanting to leave THAT bad. I don’t think we will have to worry about Becky and Steve Johnson gentrifying Lagos.”

Anonymous people from Santiago, Chile responding to our interview request by saying, “Oh shit, here we go again,” while attempting to figure out exactly which of these people are CIA operatives determined to help overthrow their government.

Meanwhile citizens of the Netherlands were reportedly aghast at the idea of disease ridden Americans heading to their shores as they stated, “COVID is definitely not a hoax! They will bring their diseases with them like COVID, Measles, Polio and Capitalism! There are many problems that we need to address in this country without adding in a bunch of people who think that the political problems of their own country aren’t their fault. These people think that they can fix this with bone broth, essential oils and running away.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people researching their ability to leave spend all day looking for some genealogical connection before realizing that they don’t have the degree, experience or language ability that would allow them to leave.

Desolate Facebook Group Designated As Historic Landmark For Illustrating The Rise and Fall Of Fan Interest

Houston, TX - A Facebook group for a subgroup of Houston Dynamo fans was officially designated as a Historic Landmark as the group illustrates the rise and fall of fan interest in the team over the past 15 years.

Wikipedia is where you go for depressing encapsulations of the Dynamo over the last 8 years.

“Historians have long looked at Orange Fever as a bellwether of the rise and then decline of the Houston fan,” stated Soccer historian Ralph Eustice. “You can see the build to the launch of the Dynamo to the moments of passion and love following the championships and then the slow leak of frustrated fans who just disappear and stop posting anything to the declining like counts and interactions.”

According to formerly active group members, Orange Fever used to be a place where fans would show videos from games at Robertson Stadium and songs/chants from other locations.

“It was like our living room,” stated Jason Henderson. “And now it’s just waiting for a tumbleweed to go through.”

Historians indicate that you can see the total decline of engagement as the team struggled from just after the moment they opened BBVA Stadium til now.

“Here is the perfect example of a post that previously would’ve generated some level of interest,” stated Dr. Laura Hughes of the University of Houston. “And now it just sits there with one like and no comments and no one caring enough to be bothered to do anything. Even though many people left the group, the overall number of people still connected to it is high, it’s just that no one seems to care anymore.”

Fans state that a number of things have caused the decline but they lay most of the problems at the feet of an ownership group that simply doesn’t care.

“If they don’t care, then why should I?” stated one anonymous fan. “There’s only so much that anyone can take. One or two years of mediocrity is one thing, but actively finding ways to make sure that fans want to stay home and watch Chivas or Manchester United instead has just robbed the club of any kind of momentum.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the group receives a historical plaque designated their contribution to the history of the Dynamo.

Supporter Embarrassing Everyone On The Hashtag Again

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United fans logged on to find that supporter @DD2493 was embarrassing everyone on the hashtag again.

“I was looking for transfer news and there @DD2493 was, talking about Pro Rel and how the team hasn’t gotten any better since Opara was injured. He tags players too. Just why? Why? Seriously, why,” stated @LoonpahLoonpah, the social media manager of the Minnesota United Polka supporters group.

"He keeps posting individual tweets instead of a thread so it just fills up the timeline with his random rants. I'm afraid that other people looking at the hashtag will think we are all like this.” stated @LoonsOverMiami, an adjunct supporters group in Florida.

Meanwhile, supporters across the St. Paul area were completely aghast at @DD2493’s takes on comfort food as he routinely posts his casual hatred of cheese curds alongside his un-sourced information from the Minnesota United front office that he passes off as though he has connections.

“Nobody cares about your insider Minnesota news right now and what the FO is going to do this weekend, there’s a game on,” stated Minnesota United fan @BlooninOnion. “The team checks this thing, we really gotta talk to him about this.”

For his part, @DD249 stated, “People have their opinions and they are wrong,” before posting a mutli-tweet rant to the official hashtag about Kei Kamara being locker room poison and tagging every sports reporter in the area that covers the team as well as the player himself..

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @LoonsOverMiami forgets to mute @DD2493 for the 432nd time.

Earthquakes Fan Breathes Sigh Of Relief As End Of Season Schedule Is Finally Announced

Santa Cruz, CA - San Jose Earthquakes fan Donald Purdue breathed a deep sigh of relief as the end of the Major League Soccer season was announced.

Almost there!

“Well, at least on November 9th I won’t have to watch another game for a few months,” stated Purdue as he looked at the rest of the schedule with a long stare.

Friends say that Purdue’s early optimism was blunted by recent results as he reportedly gave up on everything multiple times over the past month.

“He’s not found it easy,” stated friend Paul Hederson. “But at least he doesn’t have to go to the games, so that’s a small consolation.”

For his part, Purdue is keeping an optimistic viewpoint as he tried to find the best possible scenario for the last part of the season.

“Granted a -16 goal differential isn’t ideal with 11 games to go but I believe this squad has the abilities to shatter any goal differential record that exists in the league,” stated Purdue to our reporter. “I can’t wait to go into the offseason with not much hope that anything will ever change until our ownership sells the team. At least with COVID I can quarantine and avoid the virus. With the Earthquakes I keep voluntarily turning on the television to watch them take a giant shit. I need a mask for this team that makes all these performances somehow better.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Purdue decides he needs a sports sabbatical.

USMNT Fan Announces That Theoretical, Future United States Men's Team Will Clearly Dominate 2022 World Cup Using Hypothetical Lineup

Omaha, NE - USMNT fan Josh Davis announced, today, that the theoretical, future USMNT team will clearly dominate the 2022 World Cup using a hypothetical lineup that he modeled and tested in FIFA 2018.

You folks remember that run during the 2018 World Cup? Amazing.

“We’ve got the best, most important youth in the world,” stated Davis to The Nutmeg News. “There’s no WAY we won’t dominate this tournament.”

Davis pointed to a recent FIFA 2018 save of a tournament modeled after the upcoming world cup that showed a United States helmed by a create-a-player version of Weston McKennie featuring Geovanni Reyna and Christian Pulisic would steamroll through defenses.

“Look at these scorelines,” stated Davis as he pointed at a monitor. “6-1, 7-1, 10-1 and these aren’t all on easy. I turned the difficulty up after I beat Egypt 15-0 with two hat tricks. Why if you look at the results we could’ve had this year, the United States would probably be ranked in the top 5 of teams anywhere, but obviously the only way I can prove this is on FIFA right now.”

According to his twitter presence, Davis is already ebullient about the upcoming friendlies that the USMNT will have as he claims, “They are totally going to WRECK Guatemala and Mexico.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Davis claims, “absolutely no way could the United States miss qualifying for the World Cup again. Nope, no way at all. The defense is world class from the centerbacks to the fullbacks. World. Class.”

LAFC Anarchist Furious As Los Angeles Left Off Anarchist Jurisdiction Watchlist

LOS ANGELES - LAFC anarchist Wallace “Blanks” Alum was reportedly furious after he found out that Los Angeles was left off the Department of Justice “Anarchist Jurisdiction” watchlist.

Artists Rendition

“I didn’t form a Temporary Autonomous Zone based upon Ontological Anarchy to see my work and organization go without recognition,” stated Alum to The Nutmeg News. “If this is an east coast/west coast thing, which we do not recognize as this spurious claim goes against our work of rejecting all forms of governance except the claim of chaos, then we feel rightfully dicked over, with WE in this case being the loose collective and structure of power collocated within the total collective of the will of the people within the TAZ and not representative of any kind of overt power structure.”

Alum was reportedly shocked by the news as he found out about the omission online.

“We’ve been anarchists in the stands for decades now and the DOJ has the nerve to leave my city and SG off of their list?” stated Alum while he shopped online for another 50 Iron Front flags. “I don’t rally against the government for credit, per se, but I will say that I deserve some sort of recognition for my years of hard work. Some of these people just now started being anarchists, you can tell. It’s always the old ones that get pushed aside. I challenge any activist in Seattle to really describe the involvement of Virilio, Foucault, Deleuze and Guattari in the Autonomia and free radio movements in Italy and France in the late 1970s. I bet they can’t even name one activist working with third-wave feminism in the 1990s. This is just horseshit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Alum works on an experimental and free-sex related loose collective autonomous autonomous zone for more credibility.

Virginia US Youth Player Keeping Eligibility Open For Possible CSA Gold Cup Squad

Norton, VA - United States youth player Randolph Duke Jr. stated that he was keeping his eligibility open for a possible Confederate States of America Gold Cup Squad in the case that the south secedes again from the United States after a Joe Biden victory.

“I’m not committing to one thing or another,” stated Duke to The Nutmeg News. “I think that both countries would be capable of fielding a strong squad at the gold cup and I’ll decide my eligibility at another time.”

Duke reportedly stated his interest in playing alongside his, “like minded countryman,” as he vigorously decried the politicization of soccer in the United States as being, “a leftist conspiracy.”

Friends indicate that Duke, at 15 years old, has been under the influence of his father Randolph Duke Sr. who repeatedly declined an interview with this publication stating, “I will not talk to purveyors of Marxist ideology. TRUMP 2020.”

Despite his fathers prevarications, Duke Jr. indicated that he had no issues with playing with people of all nationalities as he stated, “I’ve played with kids from Alabama to Arkansas to even those hippies in California. I’m not a bigot. I just believe that my race and religion deserves dominion over our country.”

The Sons Of The Confederate States of America Soccer Federation announced their strict eligibility process that includes a bloodline check and nationality test over the course of a week. They plan on announcing Duke Jr and several other right wingers and right backs over the course of the year.

“People made fun of our forefathers for losing terribly and lasting basically 2 years, but the ultimate revenge will be beating the traitorous north at this terrible little game since they are too scared to play us in the real football,” stated James Samuels, director of the SOTCSASF.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Duke Jr. tries to figure out whether a one time FIFA switch can be applied to nations that may or may not form from the implosion of the United States.

"I Think You Guys Would Get Along, You Both Like The Same Team," States Soccer Supporter As He Introduces His Clinical Depression To His Anxiety

Denver, CO - Tired of living in separate worlds between two different friends, Colorado Rapids fan David Thornberry finally decided to introduce his clinical depression to his anxiety as he stated, “I think you guys would get along, you both like the same team.”

“It’s hard to make friends these days,” stated Thornberry to the ziploc bag he uses to store his marijuana. “And with the pandemic, dating is pretty much out the window so I decided to invite the only friends I have to hang out together.”

According to Thornberry, he’s long been friends with both clinical depression and anxiety, but the two haven’t been in the same circles until 2020.

“They both seem to like me and they both seem to like 2020 and they both seem to love the Rapids so I think it’s a perfect fit,” stated Thornberry with a glassy stare as he relentlessly scrolled through Zillow looking at houses he can’t afford. “Let’s go watch the highlights of the Dallas loss together and crack a beer. I think it’ll be a rip roaring time.”

Friends state that Thornberry has had a tough 2020, so far, as good friend Imposter Syndrome stated, “he just doesn’t fit in anywhere right now and his work is going to figure out that he isn’t qualified and when he loses his job what is that going to do? He’s going to be on the street and … well.. see… Anxiety and I hang out all the time so I think they will totally get along with clinical depression.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anxiety and Depression try to have an intervention with Thornberry but he just won’t listen.

Sources Idicate Ben Olsen Will Only Be Given 15 Or 16 More Chances With D.C. United

WASHINGTON - Sources with D.C. United indicate that head coach Ben Olsen will only be given 15 or 16 more chances with the team as they continue their dominance of Major League Soccer.

Everything is fine, they are only 1 point out of the playoffs. or something.

“We are putting him on a strict leash,” stated one team source. “We are ONLY giving him 15 or 16 more chances to get this team into the playoffs.”

With D.C. United sitting at 11th in the Eastern Conference, team officials remain optimistic that they are only one or two games away from going on a 3 game run of draws that will rocket them up the standings.

“Ben can absolutely turn this around,” stated our source. “And if he doesn’t we will look at all our options including giving him a contract extension so that he can feel confident enough to implement his vision.”

League sources indicate that the decision isn’t just a confidence one, however.

“Who else would coach for them with the financial backing they give him and the players they find,” stated one league source. “Seriously. Are they going to hire a FIFA gamer who will do it for experience? No. He won’t leave and I swear to you they will continue to do the same thing until at least 2029.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues in perpetuity.

Edmonton Man In Coma After Taking A Shot Every Time Alphonso Davies Is Described As Fast

Edmonton, AB - Edmonton soccer fan Kyle McKenzie is reportedly in a coma as he was found uncommunicative by his mother after being involved in an Alphonso Davies drinking game where every time the player is described as being fast you take a shot.

“He’s FAST. VERY VERY FAST. FAST FAST FAST. VERY FAST. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAST. HE. IS. FAST. VERY FAST. HOW FAST? FAST! VERY FAST!

“My god, it was only 2 hours on a Wednesday in the afternoon,” stated good friend Rob McKenzie. “I guess this proves that Alphonso Davies really is just very very fast. I thought the pundits would eventually mention his crossing ability or his positioning or even his shooting but no it’s just speed all the time. Apparently that is the only thing he can do.”

McKenzie noticed that the only way commentators and pundits seem to refer to Davies is by illustrating the speed of Davies as he and his friends formulated the rules of the Davies game.

“Every time Davies is described as fast, take a drink,” stated the rules pinned to McKenzie’s Twitter feed. “Every time an in studio team breaks down how fast he really is, take two drinks. If a team then breaks down the break down illustrating the point after the game with a lengthy blog piece describing his speed then you finish the bottle.”

According to good friend Jacob McKenzie, he now regrets sending Kyle McKenzie the article published on fivethirtyeight about Davies speed as he thinks that may have pushed McKenzie over the edge.

“He was already pretty drunk from watching a youtube video highlighting the speed of Davies,” stated McKenzie about McKenzie. “And now this article specifically about his speed was just a drink too far. At least he wasn’t driving. One time I decided to innocently play this drinking game with Kyle and next thing I know I’m in Saskatchewan in a Blue Bombers jersey in the back of an A&W. I was THIS close to booking a bus ticket from Sasktatoon to Regina for some reason.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as McKenzie emerges from his coma just in time to see a break down of Davies speed as compared to various wild animals.

Independent Supporters Council Announces That The Supporters Shield Will Go To Team With The Best Record Collection

The Independent Supporters Council (ISC), today, announced that the Supporters Shield trophy will go to the Major League Soccer team with the best record collection.

The ISC determined that the regular season is completely unbalanced and the 2020 season makes no sense so they would be better off awarding the trophy to the team with the best vinyl record collection both singles and albums.

According to insiders with teams across Major League Soccer this started a landrush to determine their supremacy as all teams are still in the running for the honors this season.

Real Salt Lake reportedly submitted their collection which contains one vintage Disney album of the soundtrack from the Song Of The South while Portland and Seattle reportedly submitted an extensive collection of albums. However, after further consideration it was noted that their collections were virtually identical except for an abused copy of November Rain and collection of the spoken word essays by Grover Norquist that is part of Merritt Paulson’s personal collection.

Sources also indicate that FC Dallas and the Chicago Fire both submitted records of ambient noise recorded from recent games set to the score of John Cage’s 4’33 while Inter Miami submitted a mashup record that contained all the major Miami stars such as Expose, Poison Clan, Load, KC And the Sunshine Band, Sam & Dave, Harry Pussy, Miami Sound Machine and 2 Live Crew all of which are remixed by Pitbull. As well, the B side contains David Beckham ASMR and a Spice Girls Bonus track that doubles as a Reiki Cleanse.

Atlanta United reportedly was controversially eliminated for sending over a link to a Soundcloud mixtape of various hip hop artists while allegedly NYCFC was eliminated for sending a photo of the Pharoahe Monch album Internal Affairs which lead to Monch disavowing anything to do with NYCFC. Nashville sent over the collected works of Florida Georgia Line, Kane Brown and Luke Bryan along with one Johnny Cash record that they got from their Grandmother a long time ago which lead to the ISC adopting a strict no-bro-country rule.

Sources with the ISC state that despite rumors of Atlanta and NYCFC being eliminated that all teams are still in competition except for Colorado who forgot to send an album at all after Stan Kroenke’s butler couldn’t locate the 1909 Edison cylinder of Whistle and I'll Wait for You.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ISC decides to award the supporters shield to the team that can release the best front office Instagram Reels version of Run The Jewels’ Legend Has It.

NWSL Player Accepts Unread European Transfer Offer In Order To, "Get The Hell Out Of Here"

Salt Lake City, UT - NWSL Player Carrie Lewis accepted an unread European transfer offer in order to, “get the hell out of here,” as she desperately tried to do anything within her power to leave the country.

ANYWHERE.

“I can’t stay here anymore,” stated Lewis to The Nutmeg News as she packed her bags and booked a flight out of Salt Lake City by the time we interviewed her. “I saw the offer come up in my inbox and I just told my agent to take it. Turns out it was an offer in Estonia. Not sure where that is but it can’t be worse than here. I just can’t deal with this anymore.”

Between the pandemic, the insane conspiracy nuts now haunting our every waking dream, the politics, the rampant sexism, Dell Loy Hansen, the election, the President, and the overt, unending and ever persistent racism, Lewis stated that she feels like she needs a break from the United States.

“It’s too much,” stated Lewis via text. “I saw a lifeboat and I took it. Who knows, maybe if I have a long enough career I can emigrate. I’m not ruling anything out at this point. Do you know how far a EU passport would get me? Amazing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as former teammate Cheryl Johnson announces that she has accepted an unread offer to play in Iceland.