OPINION: Checkmate Atheists! We Are ALREADY In Hell!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Checkmate Atheists! Despite your long winded attempt to convince everyone that God isn’t real, what you failed to realize is that he is real, and we are already in hell.

How do I know this? I just look around.

As you always say, the burden of proof is on the person making the claim so here’s my proof.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come the Cubs won the world series? Yeah, that was God pushing his concentrated will through the hate ether that envelops hell to manifest a world series victory for the Cubs.

How about this, if God isn’t real, how come Leicester won the Premier League? Yeah, that’s right…. it was God again…. he was battling across the wide dimensions, crossed the multidimensional plane, and rode into hell on a white steed with his blade Stormbringer all the while wearing a long flowing beard braided for battle as he gave his blessings onto the foot of Jamie Vardy and the managerial skill of Claudio Ranieri for one glorious season before God was kicked out of our current hellscape for too much meddling.

Look, if we evolved from swamps, how come the pool I haven’t cleaned in 4 years doesn’t have humans crawling out of it? At the very least I would expect an advanced civilization of sentient amoebas.

Without God how would we have the majesty of a bicycle kick, the career of Peter Crouch or the delights of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Without the Devil how would we explain people defending racist cops and white supremacists shooting people?

Yeah, that’s right, without the Devil we would have to take responsibility for the fact that millions upon millions upon millions of Americans are truly awful self absorbed and ignorant people who care about nothing but themselves

So, Checkmate Atheists! Welcome to hell!

Sincerely,

Ty Libby

Chicago Fire Promise Lionel Messi They Won’t Ruin International Legend This Time

CHICAGO - In an effort to woo international superstar Lionel Messi, the Chicago Fire made a promise to the player that they won’t ruin the international legend this time.

“What happened with Schweinsteiger, it was new,” stated Chicago Fire public relations official James Hughes. “We didn’t know what we were doing, clearly. We can learn from that. We promise to value your career and your accomplishments. We promise we won’t move you to goalkeeper without consulting you first.”

“We are going to do everything to acquire and keep him here” said Fire owner Joe Mansueto,” We will treat him like we did Schweinsteiger but even better. He’ll get all the Malort he could drink, and the option for a complimentary upgrade to Business Class on one of our flights to Canada.”

Fire fans were reportedly thrilled with the prospect of Messi to the Fire as they came out in support of the prospect.

When asked if he’d like Messi on the team, Chicago Fire fan Albert Rossiello said “Change the logo. I don’t care. Change the logo!”

“I would love Messi,” said Carl Dabrowski, who made it a point to say he’s been a fan since 1998,” but he’s getting booed if he doesn’t score 3 goals his first game. I’ll do it. I’ll boo him. I don’t care.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Messi receives a text from Wicky asking if he has ever owned goalkeeper gloves before.

"We’re Not Your Average Supporters' Group,” Says Board Member Of Your Average Supporters Group'

"We're not your average supporters’ group," stated board member Zack Williams of your average supporters’ group. “We watch other supporters’ groups do lame T.I.F.O and chants, but that isn’t our style. We don’t want to imitate them. We step it up to another level by doing everything that the Northern Guard does that the Timbers Army does that St.Pauli does.”

Photo: Paul Sableman

The supporters group formed over a common love of supporters groups at a dive bar called Dive bar which used to be the unofficially official meeting place of the supporters group.

While the Dive Bar dive bar has now closed, it is often remembered in vintage supporters group merchandise that you no longer can purchase.

In a wide ranging interview with The Nutmeg News, Williams illustrated what makes his group stand out.

“Look, nobody likes us and we don’t care, but we do have a number of charity initiatives that gained us some local praise and credit that we don’t like to brag about all the time, but will if necessary,” stated Williams. “We are a collection of socially conscious supporters who believe we should be far left and apolitical supporters who believe we shouldn’t bring politics into the group at all who have a moderately irreverent social media presence that traffics in light banter mixed in with reports on our previously mentioned and expansive charitable endeavors and passionate team entreaties.”

When it comes to membership, Williams was adamant that his group was not founded on exclusion.

“We believe that Black Lives Matter,” stated Williams, “And as soon as one joins our supporters group we will let them know that fact. Some of our members are pushing the team to release a pride kit, and we fully support that effort. We are not exclusive at all and we don’t require a membership; but we do have an inner process that we review for higher functions and responsibilities within the Supporters Group. And you have to be a dues paying member in order run for SG offices or access the exclusive scarf pre-sale or help with the display on Saturday."

When asked about their history with Women in the group, Williams said he never had a negative experience in the group.

“We would absolutely love to have more women in the group. It’s always great having more members. I’ve never experienced a toxic atmosphere at all, personally. We look out for each other like a family. For example, I always warn any women that come into the group about Dave… because… wow.. that guy gets wild sometimes. The best part is that there’s no drama. We just don’t get into drama unless we need to get into drama, and we already addressed all that other drama. I think everyone knows that I’m willing to stand up and accept those faults, but I don’t think I need speak further about that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an informal splinter group forms around the idea taking the supporters section back to their roots.

Five More MLS Teams Take Credit For The Development Of Alphonso Davies

NORTH AMERICA - Representatives with Orlando City SC, the Montreal Impact, the Seattle Sounders, the San Jose Earthquakes, and Sporting Kansas City all took credit for the development of Canadian Champions League winner Alphonso Davies on Monday.

“It was against us that he received his first minute of league play,” stated representatives with Orlando City. “Clearly without this his development never would’ve happened in the first place. You could see his speed from the very start.”

Meanwhile representatives with the San Jose Earthquakes stated, “It was against our team that he had his first Foul Conceded. Clearly without this development he wouldn’t have turned into the premier speedy fullback that he is today.”

In response, the Seattle Sounders claimed enhanced status over other teams as they stated, “It was against our team that he obtained his first assist. Without this his game would suffer and he wouldn’t be a modern fast and speedy fullback. We can clearly see the development that happened with him in our ranks.”

For their part, representatives with Sporting Kansas City claimed a heavy hand in his development as they stated, “It was against our team that he learned to foul in a cynical fashion. Against SKC he was forced to obtain his first yellow card. That in combination with his speed. Just his absolute speed. So Speedy. Much Speed.”

Finally, representatives with the Montreal Impact also claimed their hand in the development of the new Canadian superstar as they stated, “C'est contre nous qu'il a obtenu son premier but. La clé finale de son puzzle. Nous devons tous voir comment nous l'avons aidé pas comme les autres. SPEED. VERY SPEED. SUPER SPEED. MUCH SPEEEEEED. SO SPEED.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more teams figure out ways to tie themselves to Alphonso Davies.

Unleashed Grant Wahl Ready To Drop Diss Track

Sources indicate that an unleashed Grant Wahl, no longer inhibited by writing for Sports Illustrated, is in the studio with Pusha T finishing the next great diss track towards the President of the United States.

“Pusher Tee really helped me get out all my feelings about Trump,” stated Wahl to The Nutmeg News. “I hadn’t heard his songs before, but I did hear he was mean to Drake once and that’s the kind of vitriol I need for this track.”

Wahl spent most of this week setting up his SoundCloud and preparing a few more bars using rhymer.com and Urban Dictionary for his strong words condemning the current administration. “I spent about a week working on rhyming something with malfeasance, but Pusher said to keep it easy so I just realized that I could string out treason and make it fit,” stated Wahl.

“I’m not even sure how he got my number,” Pusha T said candidly,” I’m pretty bored though and I thought that helping out would be funny. I’m still not really sure who this dude is.”

When asked how he thinks the track will go, Pusha T just laughed and went back to his breakfast.

“This is something you definitely do towards the end of your career so I don’t know why he didn’t call Drake.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Wahl calls Pi’erre for the 1000th time asking for a best.

Soccer Fan's Hope For Newborn Son Include Making European Team, Playing For USMNT, And Surviving Rising Sea Levels On A Catamaran Where Clean Water And Food Are The Currency

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Zane Hughes hope for his newborn son Cody reportedly include being healthy, making a European team, playing for the United States Men’s National Team and surviving rising sea levels on a catamaran where clean water and food are the currency.

“I know that there is a chance that soccer or even this country may not exist by the time that he grows up, but I only hope for the best for him,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “Maybe it’s the current depression over this pandemic or the ever clicking drumbeat of climate change in the background, but I just hope that he learns out to curl in a free kick and surf down the backside of waves on a beam reach.”

Sources say that Hughes realizes that bringing a child into the world is consigning them to a very uncertain future but he states, “I want to be an optimist in this. Maybe we will figure things out. Maybe, despite all the evidence of the entire existence of humanity trying to screw each other, the human race will actually coalesce into some kind of group of people bigger than the whole. More likely we will need to ensure that he knows how to desalinate water in order to grow vegetables in order to trade for sailcloth and diesel.”

Hughes admits that he’s just going through a six month overall mental and physical depression, right now, but he stated that it’s only fair that he teach his son how to properly execute a rondo drill as well as learning how to repair a yanmar diesel engine while floating between the sunken ruins of Key West and Miami.

“In the end, my dream is an optimistic one even if that means him sailing the seas in loin cloth attempting to find some fabled land at the ends of the earth, and god… maybe I just need to stop watching Waterworld at 1:30 am while he is on the bottle.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes attempts to calm his fears by watching The Road followed by The Postman.

Geoff Cameron Blames Obama After Not Receiving RNC Nod

Former American Stoke City player Geoff Cameron reportedly blamed former President Barack Obama after not receiving a speaking nod at the Republican National Convention.

“You spend all your money on All Lives Matter signs, and all your time DMing President Trump macaroni art you made of him putting immigrant children in cages and pretending to not vehemently hate the politics of your fellow black teammates and you find out that you are the 4th choice behind a couple that waved guns at black people? I CAN WAVE GUNS AT BLACK PEOPLE. THIS IS ALL HUSSEIN OBAMA’S FAULT,” stated Cameron, allegedly, to James Woods in an unbidden DM leaked to The Nutmeg News. “I was checking my mailbox all day, even though I think USPS shouldn’t exist, and no invite was there, although this may be an attempt to suppress the opinions of the truthful right. Checked the email I set up purely for Trump campaign emails, nothing. Maybe Yedlin was right, I am betrayed and I don’t know if I can keep representing this country.”

Sources indicate that Cameron was reportedly kept off the RNC list due to the fact that he only liked and responded positively to Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens, Charlie Kirk, and James Woods tweets and didn’t tweet or post any specific white nationalist QAnon philosophies in the past month.

“If Geoff wants to make the RNC he needs to start advocating for White Nationalism and imprisonment of immigrants in a more overt fashion,” stated RNC director Jefferson Davis. “He can’t keep quarter-stepping his opinions in an effort to maintain his sponsors and teammates.”

Those statements by Mr. Davis didn’t keep Cameron from allegedly blaming, “extreme left agitators, AnTifa, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Barack HUSSEIN Obama from keeping me from the podium.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cameron was reportedly on his way to a “COVID is a liberal hoax to take down the President” rally.

Introvert Longs For Chance To Not Go To Supporters Group Event

NEW YORK - Introvert and soccer fan Phoebe Anderson stated that the pandemic has been so isolating and depressing that she longs for a chance to not go to a supporters group event to which she would be invited.

“I miss turning people down,” stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. “I used to get excited about the possibility of the event and then plan my whole week around the anxiety of attending the event and my eventual cancellation. Now I just don’t know what to do.”

Anderson reportedly spent the last few years attending games and finding ways to stay at home for pre-funks, after parties, mid summer social events, watch parties, and banner/T.I.F.O painting parties.

“I really do miss turning down 2 or 3 Facebook invitations, or telling people maybe and then cancelling by text,” stated Anderson. “Now my phone is just filled with text chains of people talking and not doing anything at all. It’s a bit like being in a world of introverts, but we need extroverts just to show us how exhausting becoming emotionally involved in anxiety and the world can be.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson creates a group event for herself and 10 other people on Facebook just so she can say that she will attend and then change her status to maybe at 11:30 pm the night before.

"I've Got At Least Two Black Friends," States FC Dallas Fan On Twitter

Dallas, TX - After fans at the FC Dallas - Nashville Major League Soccer game booed the Black Lives Matter solidarity protest and chanted USA-USA at the collected players, FC Dallas fan Rick Watson spent the morning stating, “I’ve got at least two black friends, so, no, I’m not racist,” on Twitter as he attempted to explain away the situation.

USATSI

“I told my black friends sorry and that our community is behind them, but I’ve always wondered if THIS is really the best way to protest,” stated Watson online. “I don’t agree with the boos, I’ve got at least two black friends, so you know I’m not racist, but …well… you know… people around here…. look…. um… people around here….they…don’t like to see the national anthem being protested against. The next thing you know they will be outlawing The Eyes Of Texas for being racist.”

According to Watson, one of his good friends is Jerramy Hughes, a fellow employee of Energy Transfer Equity who works in Human Resources. Watson has said, "Go Cowboys," several times to Hughes in the 10 years they've worked together.

“I feel like I’ve gotten closer to him,” stated Watson to our reporter. “He’s answered all 803,048 of my questions about Black people that I never knew like the show Martin, and who Cash Money Records is, and whether he knows my neighbor Charlene.”

Watson repeated that you know he’s not racist, but that, “Black Lives Matter but why before a game? I just want to not think about being white for 90 minutes and I ended up having to think about it for 10 seconds. It made me feel very uncomfortable, not that there’s an excuse for what happened but they DID kick out the person who threw the bottle so I’m sure this will never happen again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Watson cut our interview short before making a mass text to his two black friends that he voted for Obama at least once.

Soccer Fans Agree That Now That MLS Is Back From MLS Is Back That NOW MLS Is Back

Soccer fans across the United States except for Portland, Oregon were in consensus that now that Major League Soccer is back from Major League Soccer Is Back the Tournament that NOW Major League Soccer Is Back.

“The tournament meant nothing,” stated Seattle Sounders fan Raul Jimenez. “The real tournament is the post tournament tournament that may or may not actually happen depending upon positive COVID tests.”

Fans in Dallas and Nashville agreed stating, “MLS Is Back was not actually back and now that we are back from MLS being back we are actually back. It’s really not that complicated.”

According to sources within the league front office, pundits are excited for the return of the season from the tournament.

“This is just another opportunity for Los Angeles Football Club to win the regular season tournament non-COVID edition,” stated one anonymous source. “The hype machine is back!”

For their part, soccer fans in Portland disagreed with the consensus stating, “MLS Is Back was the tournament and we disagree with MLS being back from MLS being back. We are the champions.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Orlando fans think MLS Is Back was great but also terrible as they hope that their form from MLS Is Back can continue now that MLS is Back.

Nickelback Announces New Song For MLS Tournament Post Game Montage Called One Shining Photograph

Orlando, Frorida - After teasing a new announcement all day, Canadian rock band Nickelback announced a new song for the MLS Is Back Tournament tournament post game montage called One Shining Photograph.

“We are excited to announce a new song created just for the MLs is back tournament that really blends our love of soccer and our love of montages and our love of our song photograph,” stated lead singer Chad Kroeger.

“We wanted to be THE league to welcome back a pop culture icon, while also appealing to our fans who we found with intense market research,” stated Don Garber. “MLS is back, but so is the career of 12 time Juno Award winning artists.”

Dozens of fans were reportedly thrilled with the news as they reacted online with a low key celebration so they wouldn’t get mocked.

Chicago Fire fan Chris Hanson was quoted as saying the news got them nostalgic, “Takes me back to the only time we were good.”

“I’m very excited because I heard some Nickelback at a Panera recently and it reminded me of the good times when I played the song for my girlfriend Stephanie in my dad’s Toyota Carolla,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more after we bulk buy hearing aids after losing our hearing at the singles preview party.

Former MLS Midfielder Claims He Will Finally End Juventus 122 Year Absence From The CONCACAF Champions League

Torino, IT - In an interview with newspaper La Stampa, former Major League Soccer (MLS) midfielder Andrea Pirlo claimed that he would end a 122 year absence for Juventus in the CONCACAF Champions League by being the first head coach to lead The Old Lady into the international tournament.

“I was never able to reach this honor as a player in New York,” stated Pirlo through a translator. “It would’ve been a great honor for me and the pinnacle of my football career.”

Sources say that Pirlo’s inability to play against legendary teams like Montego Bay United incensed the long time NYCFC professional.

“He was never the same after he missed a chance to play Isidro Metapan in El Salvador,” stated one Juventus source. “It created a fire that still burns to get the first team he would coach into the tournament.”

Juventus officials wouldn’t comment on the rumors, but their travel department was seen researching flights from Italy to Costa Rica for the summer.

“I think he’s burning with a chance to finally take on Saprissa, which was of course his childhood dream,” stated our source. “And I’d bet good money that he gets it provided that he doesn’t get fired after 2 months.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pirlo claims that playing Udinese away is nowhere near as bad as flying business class from New York to Los Angeles to play a noon game against Gyasi Zardes and the LA Galaxy.

Eager Real Salt Lake Fan Updates Will In Advance Of Home Game

Salt Lake, UT - Typing, “I, Jacob Williams, of sound mind and body,” eager Real Salt Lake fan Jacob Williams began the process of updating his will in advance of the newly announced Real Salt Lake home game.

“Look, this is just in case I go to the game, get COVID-19 and die,” stated the soccer fan. “I’m really excited about the opportunity to go see RSL play with the rest of my fellow fans and I know that these days that means I might actually die.”

Williams, an asthmatic, stated that he certainly doesn’t want to leave his two children without a father, but the lure of a home game with thousands of other fans is just too much.

“My wife keeps saying, ‘oh I don’t think you should go,’ but who WOULDN’T die for some soccer. Plus it’s not like they are having mass outbreaks across the United States among communities and soccer teams leading to cancellations and postponements as the virus continues it’s rampage.”

Williams reportedly left all of his assets to his wife Sarah with the provision that if she becomes ill and dies due to him passing COVID-19 to her that the assets be placed in a trust for his two sons Levi and Warren.

“I’m making sure that I take care of everything. EVERYONE OPEN WIDE FOR SOME SOCCER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams convinces himself that it’s just a bit of throat irritation and not symptomatic of any kind of developing COVID-19 symptoms.

With COVID-19 Defeated Across North America, MLS Announces Plans To Return To Home Markets

Orlando, Frorida - Commissioner Don Garber announced that with COVID-19 defeated across North America Major League Soccer will have their teams head back to their home markets to play games after the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT tournament is finished.

No, this is not a Plague Inc map.

“We want to congratulate the frontline workers, scientists and epidemiologists that helped control and defeat this pandemic across this country,” stated Garber. “Finally we can return to our home stadiums and crowds to play soccer.”

Sources indicate that the numbers of infections and cases do not support what the league is saying, but that didn’t put a damper on the day.

“We are absolutely thrilled to have the opportunity to sell tickets and concessions again,” stated one anonymous MLS owner. “Did you know that I almost lost MONEY in this endeavor? Sports aren’t about losing money it’s about MAKING money.”

We spoke to a random doctor and probable communist agitator spreading fake news at a clinic in New Jersey who stated, “What?! This isn’t over at all! It’s more widespread in the country than at nearly any other time.”

However, to counterbalance this negative spin we spoke with Presidential doctor Sean Conley who stated, “Worse case scenario we will just inject all the players with hydroxychloroquine…. as long as they don’t kneel for the anthem.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the current death toll of the pandemic in the United States crests 160,000 people (in six months) which is almost 3 times as many deaths as American soldiers were killed in Vietnam (in 20 years)

Minnesota United Hoping To Shed Underdog Narrative And Graduate To Simply Being A Dog

Orlando, Frorida - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Minnesota United announced, today, their hope that if they win the MLS Is Back The Tournament tournament that they will shed their underdog title and graduate to simply being a dog.

THIS is no simple under dog. No, indeed.

“Hopefully we can be something majestic like an Irish Setter or a Golden Retriever,” stated head coach Adrian Heath. “Some of the team is hoping that we could become a Bernese Mountain Dog while others are looking for one of those beautiful blue Pitbulls to become. Either way we are hoping that eventually our success will graduate us to full dog status.”

Sources within the team indicate that many players are frustrated with the constant underdog narrative that they feel is perpetuated by the media.

“It’s a lie,” stated one anonymous player. “If you look at our results this year we absolutely deserve to be where we are. We aren’t an underdog, we are a majestic German Shepherd in flight across a green field with a beautiful lake stocked with walleye. We are a noble Australian Shepherd focused on the task ahead such as fording the mighty Kabetogama lake in a hand made canoe on our way to cross the Koochiching with nothing more than a tarp and a flint and tinder. We are a dog and we demand to be treated as such.”

Despite the irritation of the team, however, some media figures continue to push the underdog narrative.

“They aren’t a dog,” stated Taylor Twellman. “They are an UNDERdog. UNDER. DOG. Un.Der.Dog. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the underdogs ask to meet Snoop Dog to receive his blessing.

Reggie Cannon Terminates Contract With F.C. Dallas After Argument Over J. Cole And Kendrick Lamar

Dallas, TX - F.C. Dallas defender Reggie Cannon terminated his contract with the team, today, after an argument with teammates and support staff over J. Cole and Kendrick Lamar turned heated.

“These guys looked me in my eye and said J Cole has been getting worse since his mixtapes,” Cannon stated. “I couldn’t believe it. They said Kendrick has a bigger impact on hip hop. How? To Pimp A Butterfly was a Jazz album. I immediately called up the Rapids and asked if they were open to any signings.”

Sources indicate that Cannon, Fafa Picault, and Ryan Hollingshead were vigorously discussing the legacy of Chris Brown, Michael Jackson and Elton John before moving into a heated discussion over the legacy of Kendrick Lamar.

“The real last straw for me was finding out Fafa hasn’t even listened to Illmatic. He has no grounds to talk about this stuff. Everyone else backed him up anyway. I can’t be a part of this team.”

Sources on the field indicate that Cannon and Picault were engaged in a passionate discussion while being frequently interrupted by Hollingshead.

“Fafa being wrong is one thing, but Ryan kept interrupting about the enduring legacy of Taylor Swift’s sold out concerts. I even caught him looking at Wikipedia after he told us both, ‘Did you know that J. Cole’s first name is Jermaine?’ I want OUT!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cannon insists that General Managers should not contact him if their favorite rapper can’t be trusted by Metro Boomin.

Astronomers Predict “Incredible” Cosmic Collision In Space Between Waston Penalty Ball And Wondolowski World Cup Ball

Mount Graham, AZ - Astronomers with the Large Binocular Telescope at the Mount Graham International Observatory (MGIO) predict an, “Incredible,” cosmic collision in space between Kendall Waston’s penalty ball and Chris Wondolowski’s World Cup ball leading to an event that may light up the night sky soon.

“It’s incredible to see these two now celestial bodies meet like this,” stated MGIO Astronomer Anil Patil. The Wondolowski ball was in Mars gravitational pull for the last few years. The likelihood of these two balls hitting each other space was extremely low.”

Astrophysicist Gus Crawford predicted a spectacular event, "When two gaseous giants fall into each others orbits we can all expect to see some incredible things. This is just like when Bruce Arena took over for Jurgen Klinsmann during USMNT World Cup qualifying. Nothing really survived after that.”

According to our sources, NASA is carefully watching in case any of the former earthly objects collide and rebound back to Earth. The USMNT Astronomy division predicts that there should be nothing to worry about.

“A lot of our shots and penalties end up out there. We don’t really see what the big deal is about this whole thing. Half of the Van Allen radiation belt is made up of shots from USMNT fullbacks, midfielders and forwards,” stated MGIO director and lead USMNT Astronomer Leonard Chang.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgen Locadia’s miss accelerates towards the singularity with increasing speed causing a brief flicker of hope in the heart of Dr. Venkatesh Belsare that perhaps the collision will just nullify the galaxy and solve the problem of everyone having to suffer through the rest of 2020.

CPL Island Games To Feature Newly Designed COVIDvisection Health And Safety Parameters

The newly announced Island Games by the Canadian Premier League will reportedly feature COVIDvisection administered by a Dr. Moreau of Cape Egmont.

Yes, we must speak with York 9 about their……….. transition.

“It is our intent to allow Dr. Moreau to administer our health and safety bubble with his newly announced COVIDvisection technique,” stated Montgomery, the director for the Island Games. “Dr. Moreau has long theorized that complimenting the human physique some some animal attributes would make Canadian Premier League players resistant to COVID-19. If you think about it, that theory isn’t really any more crazy than any of the batshit insane things said by the President of The United States.”

Sources indicate that Dr. Moreau is thrilled to have an opportunity to work with new techniques in vaccination, heath and safety by turning the entirety of Valour FC into a human/pig/tiger combination.

“We are excited to welcome all the healthy, lovely, lovely players to The Island,” stated Montgomery. “We know that we have the ability to really make a difference in their lives on a long term basis and we hope that they will enjoy the changes that will happen from 35 games with our support staff.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish speaking to an unnamed whistleblower found in a raft off the coast of Cape Tormentine.

Epidemiologists Eager To Use Kendall Waston's Penalty Kick To Illustrate Why Wearing A Mask Keeps Particles From Spraying Everywhere

Cincinnati, OH - Epidemiologists at the Christ Hospital in Cincinnati were reportedly eager to use Kendall Waston’s penalty kick from the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT game against the Portland Timbers to illustrate why wearing a mask keeps particulates from spraying everywhere.

Wear A Mask.

“It’s a very clear example if you think about it,” stated Dr Laura Willis. “What we see is the perfect example of the spread of the the virus particles into the air around you. As Waston strikes the ball, it is as though an asymptomatic carrier is exhaling aerosols in a confined space. Those actions can propel this cloud of droplets from you up to 25 or 26 feet. A mask can disrupt this cloud and keep the virus particles from travelling.”

According to Dr. Willis, the idea of mask efficiency is illustrated by Waston’s penalty kick.

“We know that our normal breath consists of tiny water droplets and fluid from the lining of the lungs that carries bacteria, viruses, and other compounds. What we see with Kendall’s shot is the perfect example of spread, as I illustrated before. However, what we can also assume is that if there was something preventing him from sending out the particulate in the first place that it would keep the goal keeper and his teammates from watching a seemingly healthy asymptomatic individual from spreading the virus 20 feet over the top of the crossbar.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dr Willis uses the bus driver celebration to illustrate the United States opening back up too early and the continued spread of the virus.

Don Garber Recovering From Collapse After Thinking Of Possible Orlando/Cincinnati Final

Orlando, FL - The commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, is reportedly recovering from a collapse and loss of senses after he attended a sponsorship and tv rights meeting that detailed the possibility of an Orlando v Cincinnati MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT final.

“Atlanta and other markets would have been nice,” stated one MLS source, “but there have been plenty of Orlando based lawn care companies looking to possibly sponsor the finals. I’m not certain why he is so worried. Cincinnati against Orlando is compelling must-see television.”

According to the commissioner himself, Garber indicated that he was recovering well.

“I don’t know what happened. First I was looking at the tournament brackets as the groups and possible ramifications were explained and then I woke up on the ground with someone fanning me with money to revive me.”

For their part, the sponsorship and TV rights team of Major League Soccer remain bullish on the possibility of this unexpected final as they stated, “everyone knows that Cincinnati will drive the national television ratings through the roof. Why we’ve received sponsorship opportunities from three different local drywall companies and a heritage foundation started by Marge Schott. It’s going to be just fine.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber places a phone call to Carlos Vela.