American Liverpool Fan Hasn't Been This Happy Since He Discovered The Team Last Year

LOS ANGELES - Watching Liverpool win their first Premier League title, American Liverpool fan Phil Hughes stated that he hasn’t been this happy since he discovered the team during their Champions League run in 2019.

First a champions league victory and then this? What else is there to win!? No seriously, is there anything else?

“It’s been a long time, this drought,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News, “but at long last we can claim our moment in the sun.”

According to friends and family, Hughes decided to follow Liverpool after watching them play in the 2019 Champions League campaign.

“Since then he’s been a passionate fan,” stated good friend David Thornberry. “He really has tried to watch some of the games this season despite having to get them from illegal streaming sites.”

Hughes stated that he would gladly add in a Premier League champions scarf to his den as he passionately talked about his connection to the team.

“I’ve always liked some Beatles songs that my grandpa played for me so it just makes sense,” stated Hughes. “I didn’t even know that they had a city you could visit. Amazing. Hopefully I’ll be able to visit one day when they lift the ban on allowing Americans into the country.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes rubs this victory in the face of friend and Manchester City fan Darryl Sanders who started following the team two years ago when he was listening to a lot of Oasis.

"I'm Back" Fax by Brek Shea Sent To Real Estate Company By Mistake

An attempt to put Major League Soccer (MLS) and the players within on notice went awry, today, as new Inter Miami player Brek Shea’s attempt to channel basketball great Michael Jordan went tragically wrong by sending an “I’m Back” fax to the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) instead.

We’ve been asking ourselves this for so many years now.

“I thought I had the right number still,” stated Shea to The Nutmeg News. “You take one year off from the league and everything changes.”

Sources indicate that Shea was very surprised when he got a return fax asking to which MLS number he was referring.

“I didn’t know who Brek Shea was,” said Mary Morgan, a real estate agent in North Dakota, “but I do have some ranch properties on the market and I’d love to do a showing for him.”

According to Dick Reynolds, of Big Reynolds Real Estate, he has a number of cozy investment bungalows to show Shea.

“There’s a lot of great properties in the Pahrump area. GREAT properties. Minutes from Death Valley. Very desirable for long term rentals.”

For his part, Shea stated that he wasn’t interested in a long term purchase yet until he figures out whether he can afford to buy in Fort Lauderdale or Weston.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Orlando real estate agents prepare for the new Open House Is Back Tournament coinciding with MLS Is Back brought to you by BodyArmorPaninis. Panini’s WITH POWER for your open house or your rondos. Kickoff at 8:00 am EST

Atlanta United Releases Official Statement Vowing To Play Gucci Mane In Place Of National Anthem

Atlanta, GA - Major League Soccer (MLS) club Atlanta United released an official statement, today, vowing to play Gucci Mane in place of the national anthem before home games.

Atlanta United owner Arthur Blank stated that while he was patriotic like every American that he felt that disconnected from the forced patriotism of the anthem and was searching for a way to connect to the local community.

“Mr. Mane really speaks to the youths of our area,” stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. “I called him up and I said, ‘Mr. Mane? Gooch? Can I call you Gooch? We all know what it’s like to got two foreign hoes in Italy that DM you. We all know what it’s like to drop the top when it’s cold but you feel the heat. That’s why we are offering to play your music in place of the national anthem and we want to offer you and your family 10% off patio umbrellas at Home Depot for Independence Day,’ and I’ll tell you what….. Mr Mane was thrilled at the chance to have his music presented before the home games.”

Blank, who was looking up what, “Looking in my pockets, it’s filled with blue hundreds,” meant stated that he was incredibly devoted to making sure that Atlanta started to “rep the set” more.

“Mr. Mane will be incredibly important to moving patriotism from this nation to pride in this city. We will definitely be, ‘cooking in the kitchen,’ on this going forward BRR BRR.”

According to insiders, Blank will also be meeting with the gameday presentation team to make sure games, “got dat bass.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Blank steps in to settle a beef between Migos and Joe Budden.

Area Dickhead Thrilled With Opportunity To Hate On Women's Soccer Again

Denver, CO - Area dickhead Chad Anderson stated that he was thrilled with the opportunity to hate on women’s soccer again with the NWSL starting back up this weekend.

WOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo It’s that time again to belittle people and their passions!

Friends of Anderson state that the soccer fan, who only watches Serie A games in which Paulo Dybala plays, was in poor spirits over the last few months.

“We could all see that he was depressed,” stated good friend Paul Stewart. “We told him to try to go online and tell USWNT fans that their team could be beaten by 10 year old boys; but he just didn’t have it in his heart with all the sports stopped.”

Anderson reportedly shrugged off his malaise when he realized the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) was returning this weekend as he grabbed his phone and logged back into his Twitter and Reddit accounts in order to belittle and insult every fan of Women’s soccer he could find.

“It’s not really a sport,” posted Anderson online as he felt a slow relief wash over himself. “They don’t have the same skill and really shouldn’t be paid at all. Studies prove that men are tactically superior. My cousin couldn’t make his varsity high school team and he is better than Tobin Heath.”

Sources at his cross-fit gym indicate that Anderson spent the good portion of his workout huddled over in the corner with a smile on his face as he ritualistically insulted a 14 year old fan of the USWNT by calling her passion in life a, “total fraud because no one wants to watch women try to play sports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the dickheads that never left come out in force.

NWSL Leadership Demand That The Orlando Pride Test Less Employees So They Have Fewer Positive COVID-19 Results

Salt Lake City, UT - On site from their tactical support center in Utah, the NWSL leadership group reportedly demanded that the Orlando Pride test less for COVID-19 so that they have fewer positive COVID-19 results and can play in the upcoming NWSL tournament.

“You wouldn’t have to drop out if you didn’t know that players and staff were positive,” stated the NWSL to Pride management. “If you are concerned about the high numbers of COVID-19 cases, then just stop testing altogether and you will find that you WONT have any more positive test results.”

After suffering a number of positive COVID-19 tests among both players and staff, the Orlando Pride announced that they would not be taking the field in the upcoming NWSL Challenge Cup.

“We can’t in good conscience expose anyone to our team and staff,” stated one Pride staff member.

However, senior leadership with the league decried such caution.

“If they didn’t want results then they shouldn’t have started testing, I think this is quite obvious,” stated one anonymous staffer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL considers starting a team of scabs called the Norlando Shmide.

FC Dallas Fans Send Lists Of Excuses For President Trump To Use Regarding Low Rally Attendance

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fans used to seeing overstated attendance targets and half empty venues reportedly sent a list of excuses for President Trump to use regarding the low rally attendance in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

President Donald Trump on stage at a campaign rally at the BOK Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on Saturday.

Associated Press

“Our average attendance was 14,842, last year, but that really only reflects the tickets sold,” stated FC Dallas fan Chase Williams. “Admittedly, we haven’t really had many games recently where we ONLY get 6,200 people, but we have a laundry list of pre-built excuses in place that the President can use if he is so inclined.”

According to the list sent to the Whitehouse, some of the more common excuses that could be used for the low rally attendance were as follows:

• The BOK Center needed to be closer to the actual city center

• They didn’t advertise to the local community

• FOX doesn’t have good viewing angles and the mics are not near the passionate supporters.

• That picture showed the empty side because everyone moved over to the side of the arena that was in the shade

• It was 300 degrees Kelvin and there were 4 clouds so people decided to stay inside with their air conditioners

• The GOP didn’t get the local Hispanic community involved

• House Hunters International was having a marathon at the same time as the game/rally

• It was a waning crescent moon and that really affects attendance

• Dan Hunt was probably involved

• Ardent fans of populist demagogues stayed at home to watch a Bolsonaro match in the Brazilian leagues

Our reporters reached out to the Whitehouse but they stated, “no comment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans of the GOP state that the ratings were low because too many Trump supporters were having watch parties in bars.

MLS Ownership Group Debates Intentionally Infecting Players With A COVID-19 Party

NEW YORK - The ownership committee that interfaces with the league front office of Major League Soccer (MLS) has reportedly been embroiled in a debate about intentionally infecting players with a COVID-19 party (brought to you by BodyArmour) after seeing the recent increasing number of cases in Florida.

We could just try smothering everyone in strawberry hand sanitizer!

“The only way to protect our chil….er…. um….. players is to gather them all together and get them infected as soon as possible,” stated the owner of one Eastern conference team. “We must defeat this by exposing everyone all at once.”

With doctors, epidemiologists, and experts recommending against doing this in any capacity one Western Conference team owner operator stated, “What do they know? Do they have a billion dollars? Then I think they should shut up. I know what’s best for my staff.”

Insiders indicate that the league would plan on having small groups of players lured to a conference room with the promise of group eggs and a half-price breakfast burrito bar before locking them inside with an infected member of the general population for an hour.

“We NEED to make certain that we grab the spotlight while we can,” stated one owner. “Admittedly the soccer MAY suffer if everyone is coughing, feverish and short of breath; but we would be the only league other than the NWSL to be playing right now. We need to be grabbing that ESPN + and local cable affiliate viewership numbers when everyone isn’t watching Korean Baseball.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as paranoid players fight the urge for the “Free granola bar buffet” signs.

Paper Bag Sales Spike As Whitecaps Fans Prepare For Upcoming Games

Vancouver, BC - Retailers state that paper bag sales spiked in the broader Vancouver area as Whitecaps fans prepare for upcoming games.

GERRY KAHRMANN / PNG - Article Here

“The only way to truly convey my utter and unending despair with this situation is a paper bag,” stated one anonymous supporter. “It’s time. We’ve hit Cleveland Browns territory.”

Fans of the Whitecaps have slowly been losing any kind of confidence in the ownership of the team as they teeter towards irrelevance in the local market after a gangbuster and tumultuous first few seasons.

“If I wanted to watch an endlessly frustrating team that shit the bed all the time I would’ve kept my Canucks tickets,” stated James Demarr of Burnaby. “I’m just going to take up mountain biking instead.”

One area fan stated that it was, “About time. WELCOME TO MY HELL BOYS. I’VE BEEN BAGGING IT UP SINCE 2019!”

The Whitecaps front office responded by stating, “we love our fans and they will love our new season as we strive towards winning the MLSCUPISBACK tournament with some of the same players that lost to Calgary in the Canadian Championship.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue their virtual and social distancing protest of not giving a shit.

MLS Announces Plan To Roll Players Through Orlando Airport In Hermetically Sealed Inflatable Plastic Balls

EDITORS NOTE: It’s been reported that the numbers of 250 of 500 were conflated from two reports and the actual number of positive tests are far lower. However, that doesn’t stop the idea of Carlos Vela walking in a blow up bubble through a TSA body scanner any less funny. So, just deal with it and use your imagination.

NEW YORK - In light of the recent testing that showed 250 of 500 Orlando airport workers tested were infected with COVID-19, Major League Soccer announced a plan to protect all the players flying to the MLS IS BACK TOURNAMENT by rolling them through the airport in hermetically sealed inflatable plastic balls.

“This NEW COVID-19 policy will ensure the safety of our players and staff,” stated commissioner Don Garber. “We take safety as the highest priority and it’s very important to us that we actually fly to the location before any specific team has an outbreak. We believe that there will be enough air to get them to Orlando as long as we don’t have a layover.”

Insiders state that the league has requested a larger TSA scanner that will accommodate the inflatable plastic balls, and they plan on slightly deflating the balls once upon the plane in order to ensure that the players can fit.

“If someone doesn’t fit they will just put them in the cargo hold,” stated one insider. “We are already negotiating a first class, business class, low class option with the MLS Players Union. We got the idea from our scheduled viewing of Soul Plane.”

For their part, the players say that they are skeptical that this will work, but there is supposedly a split between players with the means to purchase and tailor their plastic bubble versus those that will just be forced into whatever the league can find.

“It’s all well and good that Chicharito can have a Louis Vuitton plastic bubble, but what about me,” stated one anonymous player.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as they are forced to abandon players from FC Cincinnati after the structural integrity on their bubbles fail.

Fort Worth Vaqueros Announce Buy One - Tear Gas One Promotion

Fort Worth, TX - In honor of their partnership with the Fort Worth Police Officers Association, the Forth Worth Vaqueros announced a Buy One - Tear Gas One promotion when they return to play.

“We are planning a whole day around our support of the Fort Worth Police Officers Association,” stated the Vaqueros in an online conversation. “This carnival will give everyone the opportunity to truly meet the FWPOA. Why as a fan you can have your head cracked in by a police baton, you can see what it’s like to get to inhale tear gas in the street, and you can have your neighbor arrested for no reason other than simply being Black in Tarrant County.”

According to supporters of the Vaqueros, they still can’t believe that the NPSL side decided to continue with the jersey sponsorship on the day of George Floyds funeral.

However, the team forged ahead stating, “Frankly, we don’t give a flying fuck about the opinions of our fans.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Vaqueros announce a Salute To ICE night.

Vancouver Whitecaps Announce Attempt To Streamline Into CPL Team

Vancouver, BC - The Vancouver Whitecaps announced, today, a new attempt to streamline into a Canadian Premier League (CPL) team over the next 2 years.

“We are thankful to Mark Pannes for all his positive contributions to the club the last few months,” stated the communication from Whitecaps co-owner Jeff Mallett. “However, as we streamline our process into a CPL team we don’t feel the need for a passionate leader of his caliber.”

According to insiders, the Whitecaps ownership groups have long regretted moving to Major League Soccer where more is expected of them by their fanbase.

“They thought it was just…. you know…. going to work,” stated one insider. “Once they realized it wasn’t just working anymore, and that the fans were growing upset by the lack of any kind of concrete direction or responsibility over the last 10 years, the ownership group decided to start liquidating players, combining job specifications and preparing for a future transition to the Canadian Premier League. They’ve even sent our feelers to the NPSL as the local rivalry with Whitehorse would give them an immediate rival.”

For their part, the Whitecaps FC executive staff stated that they were confident that their fanbase would love the transition.

“Mark Pannes had grand ideas and proposals,” stated Mallett. “However, we know our fans think of this whole soccer thing as just being a little part of their day. And with this experience being a little part of their day it is only right for us to transition to a league that supports our level of aspiration. I tell you what we are gonna streamline like we’ve never streamlined before. We are gonna stream and then line. We are gonna streamline so much you will think we are fly fisherman, but we won’t be fly fishing because we will be streamlining. STREAMLINE. STREAM. LINE. STREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Canadian Premier League turn the Whitecaps expansion bid down for not thinking big enough.

THE DREAM OF THE 80s! Will Soccer Finally Distract A Nation Under Siege From Police Brutality, Racial Division, A Global Pandemic, Economic Inequality, And Plummeting Confidence?

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

”Helz Yeah, bro! LESS THINKIN, MORE DRINKIN! ”

Soccer is BACK, just like my Chlamydia!

Forum Post By Big Soccer User AquaTeenYoungerHorse Solves All The Problems With US Soccer, COVID-19, And Racism

INTERNET - According to the only sources still reading the forum, a post by Big Soccer user AquaTeenYoungerHorse on page 219 of the Coronavirus, Nationwide Arena Deal and everything else is the Crew's Fault thread reportedly solved all the problems with US Soccer, COVID-19 and Racism as he detailed an expansive methodology to fix the United States.

“It’s too bad this is buried amidst jokes about the season, observations on Gelato and comments about Ohio in general,” stated one anonymous user. “This post really spoke a truth WITH solutions to the whole country.”

With the forums increasingly a place to hang out for fans of teams that started in MLS v 1.0 and angry USMNT fans looking for dual citizenship prospects in the junior league of Albania, frequent users of Big Soccer were startled to find a coherent post detailing all the measures that should be put in place to solve the current pandemic, US Soccer, and 400 years of racism.

“Frankly, I didn’t think we were still taking anything on here seriously,” stated Big Soccer user BlackAndGoald “At the very least I’m pretty amazed that I made it through 218 different pages arguing about the nuances of the spread of the virus, using a gun for home defense, vicious name calling, thread drift and various gripes about literally everything before making it to this one. I’m guessing that we will go another 200 or so threads before we get a comment that is as informative as this one again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Big Soccer users start tearing apart all the arguments and calling the user out for previous posts.

Streaming Numbers Worry Man That MLS Hasn't Caught Up To Playstation 5

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan and gaming enthusiast Jerry Williams stated that he was, “worried that the streaming numbers show that MLS hasn’t caught up to Playstation 5.”

“The bracket selection of the new MLS Is Back Tournament had 4 thousand people streaming,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News, “but the PlayStation 5 announcement had more than 91,000. That’s like San Jose Earthquakes v DC United territory for one stream on one streaming service. I can't believe MLS would just let something new like the PS5 dominate it on its 25th anniversary. The PS5 isn't even out yet and my friends are talking more about it than the upcoming Rapids vs Minnesota game. They obviously don't care about how this sport is seen."

Williams said that he is worried that MLS isn't even pulling Twitch Let's Play numbers.

"I realized we are competing against weekend Smash Ultimate tournaments. Who is running this league exactly? Maybe they should start playing games WHILE the games are going on! We could have Jordan Morris streaming Stardew Valley from the bench. "

The Nutmeg News will have more as Williams desperately searches Twitter for some popular Seattle fan named Ellie.

The NPSL Unveils The "We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back" Tournament To Be Held At The Howard Johnson Holidome In Lima, Ohio

In a released memorandum, the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) unveiled their new tournament named the, “We are also back, the NPSL is back” Tournament.

“The National Premier Soccer League is proud to announce the We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back tournament to be held at the Howard Johnson Holidome in Lima, Oh off of I-75 and next to the Cracker Barrel,” stated the press release. “In some locations we are back and able to train, but in other locations we are still not able to train. By consolidating all the teams that still exist in one location we can guarantee that they can train and play meaningful games.”

The memorandum indicates that the NPSL tournament will be held at the Howard Johnson in Lima, a former Holiday Inn Holidome location.

“Our athletes and staff will be sequestered entirely within the world of the Howard Johnson,” stated the NPSL release. “We will be turning this former Holidome into a Biodome where players and their families can relax and frolic without ever being let outside. Any inside/outside connections will be bricked over to keep out pesky germs and all of our staff will be kept safe (and inside) from COVID-19 by armed guard.”

Sources indicate that the NPSL staff were not particularly thrilled about this but there was an attempt to negotiate discounted mini-golf fees to alleviate the forced imprisonment at the Howard Johnson.

“We are excited to be back as the We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back Tournament kicks off in July,” stated the press release. “Spread it loud for all to hear! We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back Tournament.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NPSL also issues a press release after the tournament starts that announces the, “Did You Forget About Our Tournament Tournament.”

MLS Releases 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct For Upcoming Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber announced that the league is proactively making certain that the empty seats at the ESPN Wide World Of Sports location will be on their best behavior for July's upcoming tournament return as the league released the 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct.

“You’re not singing over there! You’re not singing over there!”

“Can you hear the stadium seats ohhh ohhh!”

"Obviously the safety of our players is paramount. We need to make sure empty seats are creating a safe atmosphere for the staff and each other at these games,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “The world will be watching us and we need to make sure that empty seats aren’t showing a side of this league that will decrease our corporate investments.”

The code of conduct includes a clarification on the conduct, signage and language that is not permitted at league events during the upcoming tournament, including:

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney in the cavernous doomsday bunker underneath Tomorrowland.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing “Song Of The South”.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the crows from Dumbo.

• Any mention of the caricatures of native Americans in Peter Pan.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images disparaging ESPN+.

As well, the league made an addendum to the prohibited items list which now reads:

• Any bags larger than the approved 14” x 14” x 6”

• Weapons of any kind including, but not limited to, knives, pepper spray, stun guns, concealed weapons and firearms

• Fireworks of any kind including, but not limited to, flares, smoke bombs, incendiary devices and pyrotechnics

• Illegal drugs or harmful chemicals

• Any missile or object that can be used as a projectile

• Aerosol cans or pressurized containers

• Professional camera equipment, including but not limited to, tripods, battery packs, large commercial video cameras

• Noisemakers, including, but not limited to, whistles and horns

• Laser pointers

• Remote controlled aircraft or unmanned aircraft systems (drones)

• Hover-boards

• Selfie sticks

• Inflated soccer balls

• Beach balls or other inflatable items

• Animals (excluding certified service animals with proper documentation)

• Any other items deemed to be inappropriate and/or dangerous by the Venue Security Representative

• Fans of any team

MLS officials worked together with themselves to develop portions of the Fan Code of Conduct without feedback from other organizations.

"We haven’t received any negative feedback from the chairs and empty spaces where fans typically would congregate so we figure this is the best way to go about this situation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer accuses the empty seats of failing to show up for the OPS call in advance of the tournament.

MLS Announces New FastPass+ Option For Disney World Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a new FastPass+ option for their upcoming Disney World Tournament as they detailed their bold rule changes.

For some players, being this close to goal may actually be a problem.

“The FastPass+ option,” stated the league wide memo, “will allow players who have purchased the option an opportunity to ‘skip-the-offside-line’ on three goal attempts during one game. Unlike at Disneyland, a player can grab these skip-the-offside-line entries well in advance of their game. Players have the option of booking 60 days before the first game provided they are quarantined in an official Disney-operated hotel.”

According to sources, the FastPass+ option will be regulated by an official Disney World app that can be accessed in advance.

“Players should book their FastPass+ option as early as possible to reserve the time-slot that works for their goal attempt,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “However, there will be the possibility of in-game fast-pass reservations after each of the players use or decline their allotted 3 FastPass.”

Major League Soccer officials indicate that players on the field will be wearing branded team Magic Bands that will allow them to independently claim an additional FastPass+ from a Disney World FastPass+ kiosk.

“Players will be required to run off the field to make this selection so they will need to be tactical about who goes off the field and which reservation they get. FastPass+ reservations will be honored if made before the game is over or until all the slots are used up. Any FastPass+ reservations held over into stoppage time will be appended to the end of the game in a shootout fashion where an animatronic Abraham Lincoln will attempt to score a goal on an unpaid Disney Cast Member dressed as Uncle Remus.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS allows fans the ability to watch the games for free if they pay for a $399 tournament subscription.

Timbers Army Empower New Committee To Form A Committee To Analyze Work Of The Committee On Diversity

Portland, OR - Looking to resolve the problem of a lack of respect shown to marginalized members within their ranks, the 107ist and the Timbers Army announced that they will empower a new committee to form a committee to analyze the work on the committee on diversity.

“We need to really understand the black experience, anyone know anyone? Wait… Heather… didn’t you write your thesis on the lyrical influence of the albums of Kanye West when you attended Reed?”

“After consulting with our consulting committee, we decided to form a committee to help form a committee to analyze the work of the committee on diversity. Our agreeance committee has agreed to this notion,” stated the announcement. “We’ve worked our way through Roberts Rules of Order which state that, ‘A Committee is a body of one or more persons appointed or elected by an assembly or society to consider, or investigate, or take action in regard to, certain matters or subjects, or to do all of these things,’ and we feel that our committee to form a committee to analyze the works of the committee on diversity falls under that purview. We read some post highlighting these issues and our hearts broke. That's not the 107ist and Timbers Army way. We immediately knew we had to form a committee on this but also another committee to make sure we keep that committee accountable. In order to form that committee we needed to gather together another committee to ensure that the correct members are appointed to the first committee to keep the committee accountable.”

The message to the membership continued to state, “Yes, all of our committee committee committee members are white, but the diversity committee that we are trying to form will help make that change as we reach out to the committee committee members to help detail who we need to add to make the committee on diversity a diversified committee. We promise to have a thorough report available when the committee delivers their report on the work of the committee investigating the committee in approximate 12 to 18 months. In the meantime, you will definitely see T.I.F.O showing that we are changing. Our T.I.F.O committee will make sure of that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the committee chairman on diversity claims that there is no limit to the number of times a member may speak, and unless the committee is very large, it is not necessary for any one to rise and address the chair before making a motion or speaking, nor does the chairman rise to put the question, nor does he leave the chair to speak or make motions, nor are motions seconded. 

Supporters Group Veteran Can't Believe Lack Of Passion At Protest

Atlanta, GA - Brogan Monroe, a 22 year old aspiring YouTube star and Atlanta United supporters group member, stated he couldn't believe the difference in passion over the last few marches as he blamed new people in the scene for the alleged dip in intensity.

“I watched the Malcolm X movie 2 times this week to get ready,” stated Monroe to The Nutmeg News. “It seemed like nobody else put in the same thought to getting ready for these things. If you can’t show passion for 90 minutes, you don’t belong here. Protest somewhere else.”

Monroe was seen at the most recent march yelling instructions at people about how to keep up flags and instructing them in chants as he tried to levy his supporters group experience into something tangible.

“STOP DOING THE WAVE, YOU AMATEURS,” screamed Monroe at a group of protesters putting their hands up. “I didn’t listen to Chapo Trap House talk about the I Have A Dream speech while doing my core workout just to watch all of you sit on your hands,” screamed Monroe to a group of protesters with zip tied hands being arrested by the police.

Monroe noted how certain people with megaphones brought down the atmosphere as he stated, "some of the people were talking about their lives instead of starting the 2 minute Black Lives Matter chant to the tune of 'Going Underground’ I wrote. You could just tell it was taking away from the energy"

"You know it’s frustrating,” stated Monroe. “I started a 'Ciao Bella' chant and nobody joined in. These new protesters just aren't keeping up. As someone who's been watching protests since 2010 in Europe, the passions just not the same here. It’s really hard to replicate here.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have more as Monroe is currently calling an urgent board meeting on this issue.

Woman Not Certain If Weeping Man Was Pepper Sprayed, Lost A Relative To COVID-19, Or Found Out MLS Is Losing A Billion Dollars

WASHINGTON - Andrea Miller admitted she wasn’t entirely certain if the man that boarded the Metro at the Fort Totten stop was weeping because he was pepper sprayed, lost a relative to COVID-19 or just found out that MLS may lose a billion dollars this year.

“Well, he was wearing a D.C. United kit so maybe he is just sad that all these billionaires have a chance to be slightly less wealthy,” stated Miller to The Nutmeg News.

In remarks earlier today, Commissioner Garber indicated that the league may lose a billion dollars this season due to the pandemic.

“He was staring at his phone, but he had red eyes,” indicated Miller. “So maybe he was reading about the loss. Of course it’s entirely possible that he lost a loved one to this global pandemic. Or maybe he was out protesting against police brutality and the police pepper sprayed him. Maybe they even tear gassed him. I don’t know. I do know that these days it’s hard to tell which is the bigger tragedy between the global pandemic, the rampant and predictable police brutality and the inability of MLS to take in money from ticket sales.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miller attends a mandatory zoom meeting about layoffs while thinking about poor Robert Kraft losing money.