Man On Week 3 Of Trying To See If He Has A Personality That Extends Beyond Being A Soccer Fan

NEW YORK - Quarantined soccer fan Damien Oakes stated that he is now on week 3 of trying to see if he has a personality that extends beyond being a soccer fan as he tried to see if he was interested in painting, this week.

“I’ve tried baking, cooking, home renovation, reading, and watching Wrestling,” stated Oakes to The Nutmeg News. “This week I’m going to try painting, writing, trying to play guitar and watching opera.”

According to his Facebook and Twitter page, Oakes entire life has revolved around soccer for as long as his records exist.

“I just attend games, watch games on the weekend, play games in rec league, watch games during the week, play futsal, and in this country soccer runs year round,” stated Oakes. “I watch MLS, USL, and the US Open Cup during the spring, summer and fall, the Premier League, La Liga and Serie A during the fall, winter and spring. Sometimes I even like to pad out my life with a little A-League, and maybe even some special events like Boca/River or the Eternal Derby.”

Friends state that they’ve never done anything with Oakes that didn’t involve soccer.

“I’m not even certain if he wants a girlfriend,” stated friend Connor King. “The last girlfriend he had broke up with him because he would go out to watch games at a bar on Saturday morning and come home drunk, then sober up so he could watch games in the afternoon and evening. It’s literally all he does.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Oakes starts to realize that if he just keeps up with this whole charade he can get back to having no life other than soccer in a month or two.

Timbers Fan Watching Replay Of 2018 MLS Cup Hopes Result Will Be Different This Time

Portland, OR - Despite attending MLS Cup himself, Timbers fan Raul Guzman admitted that he was hoping the result would be different this time as he tuned into watch the replay of the 2018 MLS Cup game against Atlanta United.

USA Today Sports Images

“Oh… COME ON! Pass the ball,” stated Hernandez to his computer monitor as he inadvertently found himself cheering for the Timbers to win a game he absolutely knows that they will lose. “Move for the ball, goddammit!”

Guzman admitted to The Nutmeg News that he didn’t have any reason at all to watch the replay only that he was extremely bored and needed some kind of sports entertainment that would help him pass the time in quarantine.

“God, why am I doing this to myself,” stated Guzman. “Why? You know what? Nope. I’m going to… OH COME ON THAT IS A FOUL. DAMMIT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Guzman states, “We will get them in the second half,” before realizing what he is watching and going to get another beer.

Shock And Outcry Follow eUSL After Player Alleges Heavy Code Red Usage

Shock and outcry from fellow competitors and fans followed an interview with eUSL eCup ePlayer Billy Walton @billydubs after the Energy FC player alleged that fellow ePlayers were utilizing controversial stimulant Mountain Dew Code Red.

During a post game interview following his loss to Brandon Williamson of Loudoun United FC, Walton alleged widespread usage of the stimulant as he stated that the eUSL is not currently testing for the drug.

“We categorically deny that we have an epidemic of doping,” stated eUSL commissioner Ronald H. Dubois. “This sport does not need controls over our players because we trust them to do the right thing.”

However, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) believes that there are a number of eUSL players currently mainlining Code Red in order to improve their response times.

“Highly placed sources tell us that some players are going to local bodega fronts where they obtain the Code Red via well placed individuals they call The Shopkeeper. Allegedly, cash is exchanged for the services and this is all done under the nose of our vigilant doping agents,” stated WADA agent Josh Richardson.

For their part, players across the eUSL stated that they thought the statement was widely overblown as one source panned the whistle-blowing of Walton as, “over dramatized for internet clicks.”

However, anonymous sources indicate that the eUSL is preparing for a player intervention into suspected Code Red overdoses as they try to reign in the usage of the substance.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players move on to Jolt Energy Gum.

Valve Software Releases ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience On Steam VR

American video game developer Valve announced that they would be releasing a new video game on Steam VR for their Index platform called ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience.

The game is set in a universe where free-travel exists in the pre-pandemic ages of the old United States. Players will use their interactive VR systems to play as an avatar who attends sporting challenges called Soccer Games. The player will join what anthropologists indicate were called Supporters Groups where they start from the bottom and make their way to the top.

“We want this to be as realistic as possible,” stated the reanimated owner of Valve, Gabe Newell. “Our player avatars will progress through challenges such as building their first in-stadium display, trying to get people to actually care enough about the game to sing, figuring out how to join and then quit the capos, finding an illegal stream to watch an east coast game, and eventually having your soul crushed at bureaucratic meetings about rigging permits while you wonder how you got so damn old.”

Sources with Valve indicate that the immersive game response is top notch as one insider stated, “you actually get to go to The Outside on what people used to call an Away Day. You get to see what’s beyond the four walls of your quarantine shelter. You can actually Pop Smoke and if you do so you will have to run away from what they used to call Stadium Security. If you get caught you will have to pick up what they used to call Extra Shifts in order to pay for Alcohol and Conduct Classes. It’s a fully immersive experience.”

Newell indicates that the game experience will be all encompassing and that he is hoping to release the smell attachment to the general public in a few months so that you can fully have the experience of what it used to be like to celebrate a goal while getting covered in expensive beer and being bear hugged by a sweating hairy stranger who hasn’t showered in a week.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as ULTRA: The Supporters Group Experience faces stiff competition from PES who claims that everyone knows the game mechanics are better in the series even if the graphics and licensing are shit.

Work Sponsored Netflix Party Off To Flying Start After Woman Suggests Viewing Of Oldboy

Denver, CO - A work sponsored Netflix party brought together to build the relationship between the Enterprise System Administrations team now all working from home is reportedly off to a flying start after Unix administrator Angela Davids suggested a viewing of the Park Chan-wook movie Oldboy.

“It’s a movie about an Old Boy,” stated Ms. Davids from the group google meeting as she carefully controlled her maniacal laughter at the upcoming event. “Park Chan-wook is an award winning director so you know this will be a great movie for the whole team to watch.”

According to her manager, Ms. Davids is an essential member of the Enterprise System Administrations team as she is, “the only one who knows the old Unix system we can’t migrate into the cloud. We can’t do anything in that part of production without her being involved.”

For her part, Ms. Davids stated that she, “wanted to watch the world burn.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the event is abandoned after 15 minutes and a new email is sent out from the corporate office specifying a new criteria for Team Netflix Party Thursdays.

Supporter Will Eventually Get Back To Repairing Flags When She Finishes Trying To Bury Her Anxiety With Marijuana

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fan Andrea Benedetti stated that she would eventually get back to repairing supporters group flags for the Chicago Fire when she finishes trying to bury her anxiety with marijuana.

“I’m alone, at the house, with no job and no sports,” stated Benedetti to The Nutmeg News over Skype. “I’m worried about my mom and grandma in Champaign. I’m tired of talking to them every day and trying to convince them that I’d like them to take this seriously because I want them to not die. I haven’t gotten a notification on my rent yet but I don’t have enough money to pay for it and buy groceries for the next month and I’ve filed for unemployment but didn’t receive a check yet. At this point, I can only hope that my landlord is understanding, my job hires me back after this is over, my family doesn’t die, and this weird feeling in my throat isn’t me getting sick.”

Benedetti has taken to starting projects, getting distracted with all the horrifying news on her phone, then self medicating in order to make herself feel better.

“I know that I probably shouldn’t be relying on this, but it’s still better than starting to drink at 10:00am,” stated Benedetti. “At this point, I’m just trying to make it through the day somehow.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Benedetti tries to find a strain that would enhance her creativity instead of one that makes her re-watch Scrubs for the 438th time.

Despite Two Week Quarantine With No Jobs And No Children, Members Of Supporter's Group Still Haven't Learned Any New Songs

Modesto, CA - Despite a two week quarantine with no jobs and no children, members of The Grapes Of Wrath, the Modesto Marauder’s supporters group, have reportedly learned zero new and original songs.

“Well, we started out with a group chat about taking the time to really improve what we are doing in the stands,” stated Wrath vice president Carl Hernandez. “But eventually it turned into a bunch of memes about the pandemic and the team. Then eventually it just transitioned into people checking in to see if everyone in the group is ok.”

Group seamstress Betsy Williams stated that there was an immediate problem.

“No one wants to be the person to start singing a song on a Zoom meeting,” stated Williams. “It’s easier when you are out in the stands and drinking and having a good time. It’s much more difficult to bring yourself to do it sober in your spare bedroom with your partner looking at you like you’ve lost your mind.”

According to Williams, the group then tried to do a drunk zoom call, but the meeting fell apart when someone suggested they group watch Stepbrothers instead.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wrath members try to steer it back towards accomplishing something before giving up and loading up Animal Crossing.

A Rumor Account For The People

We here with The Nutmeg News know how tiring it is to sort through someone’s insane “Insider Information” as it makes its way into your timeline.

That’s why we tasked our best scientists to create a new rumor twitter account for you, the people.

Welcome to The Rumor Whale

We are taking back control of the rumor mongering and outright shitposting and giving it out to the internet for you and your friends to run.

Right now, you can go to https://tnn-twitter-bot.firebaseapp.com/ create rumors of every single variety for every single team in Major League Soccer, the Canadian Premier League, the National Women’s Soccer League, and (some) the United Soccer League.

You, the unwashed internet, are running this account. Yes. YES, YOU.

Yes, this is a really really really really really really really dumb idea.

Our scientists worked with a variety of shitposters to really narrow in on the dumbest and best options for you to pick from. Go find the best combinations and really create the rumor of your dreams. If you have any other suggestions for our folks in the lab to add, please notify us on twitter, in our DMs, or via mail@thenutmegnews.com

Go have fun with it!

The Nutmeg News.

"Finally, My Moment Has Come," States Man With 264 Scarves Under His Bed

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Hank Bowman stated, “finally, my moment has come,” after hearing President Trump state that a scarf would work as good as a mask to prevent against the COVID-19 pandemic.

ENSCONCED IN SCARVES

"I knew there would be a time, but that time is here,” stated Bowman to our reporter on Skype. “I’m bringing up the eBay shop and now I will finally get my revenge on everyone made fun of me for collecting these things over the past 5 years.”

Bowman reportedly started collecting scarves back in 2015 when he started following the Timbers on their way to MLS Cup. He then extended his collection via eBay as he desperately attempted to collect vintage scarves from 2011.

“They all laughed at my totes and number system,” stated Bowman. “But who is laughing NOW! I alone hold the key to purification. I alone hold the key to a healthy life. And I alone have a limited fringe edition Timbers Army scarf that will protect everyone from the disease sweeping the nation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bowman accidentally bids on one of his own scarves that he is selling online.

Inter Miami Fans Excited For 34th Rebroadcast Of Only Two Games In Team History

Miami, FL - Quarantined fans of new Major League Soccer (MLS) side Inter Miami CF were reportedly excited for the 34th rebroadcast of the only two games in team history as social media teams across the league struggle to create content.

“Oh boy! Here we go again,” stated Inter Miami fan Damien Henderson. “And we kick off in Los Angeles again for the 34th time! It’s like I’ve never seen this game on repeat every single day because it’s the only thing they have.”

“I’m making time in my schedule for this, again,” stated Heather Stephenson. “And tomorrow, I’ll make time in my schedule for literally the same game again. And then the next day. And then the next day.”

Inter Miami decided to add historical context by interviewing players who were there 29 days ago as they continued to forge ahead.

“It’s important to keep our fanbase engaged,” stated one team insider. “We are going to run the game in reverse next week and then the next four games we are going to try to synchro cast this with audio from the best of Tito Puente, Tim McGraw, Ke$ha and Dean Martin to see which music our fans prefer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami fans walk around quoting the exact commentary lines from the LAFC game because it’s the only thing they have left.

Nation Wakes Up To 14th Monday In A Row

Scientists were baffled as residents of the United States of America woke up to the 14th Monday in a row, this morning.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stated researchers at the Institute of Pandering. “People seem to be continually waking up with hangovers, anxiety, a level of dread, boredom and angst every single day.”

Scientists claim that they are yet to figure out this issue but that it appears to be a global phenomenon.

“We’ve reached out to our friends in Europe and Africa to confirm and they all report that it appears that the entirety of the world may be stuck in a perpetual Monday.”

Some researchers, however, argue against the Monday diagnoses as they claim that it really is more like a month of Sundays.

“The Schism of the Sunday will continue,” stated Dr Wiley Baker. “We are here to inform anyone trying to dictate that this is a Monday that it is, in fact, a Sunday.”

Not content with the Schism of the Sunday, other doctors are reportedly part of the Synod of the Holy Un-Week as they vociferously denounced the idea of adding any kind of day context to the week.

“We with the Synod of the Holy Un-Week roundly declare that all days are non-days and there is no week,” stated spokesman and professor Lyndon Babbit. “Every day is non day and every week is an un-week. There is no time, no day and no more shall exist within this realm. Drink your Manhattan’s at 7:00 am. We are in the un-time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the researchers start a holy war over the technical descriptions.

Carlos Vela Admits He Much Prefers GQ Interview With LeBron James

LOS ANGELES - After a wide ranging interview with GQ Mexico made soccer superstar Carlos Vela the cover story, the Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) player admitted that he much prefers reading GQ interviews with NBA stars like LeBron James, Ben Simmons and Russell Westbrook.

“I do not like reading interviews with myself or soccer stars that much,” stated Vela to The Nutmeg News. “I much prefer reading interviews from major NBA stars. That’s where I find my enjoyment.”

Vela admitted that he barely reads anything about himself or any other soccer star.

“It’s my job, so I like to separate my job from my enjoyment. I really like watching basketball and I like reading about basketball. Did you SEE that Russel Westbrook interview in GQ Middle East? It was great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Vela starts another season of NBA 2k11 with his own playable character.

NPSL Cancels Season To Raise Brand Awareness

The National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) announced that it would be cancelling the 2020 season in order to raise brand awareness around the nation.

“We felt that there was no better time to announce our cancellation as the news of this move would generate a substantial amount of traffic in people figuring out what exactly IS the NPSL,” stated Joe Somebody, director of the NPSL.

“There’s no better time to announce the postponement of our season than right now with a captive audience unable to stop staring at their screens in hope of some kind of glimmer of sanity,” stated Somebody. “Perhaps through this cancellation they will learn about a team they didn’t know about that plays semi-professional soccer 10 minutes from their doorstep that won’t be there in 2021 when the league resumes or folds.”

With interest in anything that isn’t infecting and killing people at an all time high, soccer fans took to the internet to say, “wow, the NPSL!? Ok, I remember that and I think that’s a bummer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as tens of fans are disappointed with the cancellation.

Supporter Maintains Alcohol Drinking At Gameday Level During Quarantine

NEW YORK - New York City FC fan Raul Narvaez admitted, on Wednesday, that he was maintaining his alcohol drinking at current gameday levels as he poured his fourth beer of the day at 6:00 pm.

“These shot burst repeats are gonna really get me into shape. It’s like HIIT for my liver.”

“You never know when the season is going to be back on and I don’t want to lose my current tolerance,” stated Narvaez to The Nutmeg News.

According to Narvaez, he went through an extensive training regime of drinking to get ready for the season and doesn’t want to let it slip away.

“I was doing 4x8oz repeats followed by 4x16oz repeats and closing out with 2x2oz closers,” stated Narvaez. “You can’t just let all that hard work go away because we are waiting for the season to come back.”

Friends state that they think that Raul is just coping with the anxiety of the stay at home situation by expanding his drinking more, but Mr. Narvaez says that’s not entirely true.

“It just feels like I don’t have anything better to do so I should really just ensure that I’m working on what I need for the upcoming season. At this point there’s no difference between Thursday, Saturday and Gameday in 4 months. Time is a construct so drink some Jack Daniels.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Narvaez gets drunk and puts a game replay on in his living room with the lights turned off so he can accurately yell at the screen.

Fan Concerned That Forward Isn't Showing Enough Quarantine Workout Videos On Instagram

Kansas City, KS - Sporting Kansas City fan Philip Canavaro stated that he was concerned that SKC forward Gianluca Busio isn’t showing enough COVID-19 quarantine workout videos on his Instagram page.

Stating, “the boys need to be prepared when the season starts again,” Canavaro silently judged the athletic prowess of the entire team with his carefully curated Instagram feed.

“Oh sure he is doing the pushup challenge, but I need to see some SPECIFIC drills,” stated Canavaro to the electrical box that he named Anderson during a fit of drunken boredom at 2:00 pm yesterday.

According to Canavaro, the success of the team will be entirely dependent upon these home bound times as he proceeded to scroll through Alan Pulido’s feed to see if there were any rondo sessions in Pulido’s living room.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Canavaro comes up with a strength and mobility training schedule for all SKC players and attempts to comment all of these new workouts to their Instagram pages.

Billionaire Minnesota United Owner Bill McGuire Throws Moldy Fruit From Gold Plated Helicopter At Employees He Fired During Global Pandemic

Minneapolis, MN - From a gold plated helicopter hovering over Minneapolis, billionaire Minnesota United owner Bill McGuire reportedly threw moldy fruit, rotten eggs and garbage at the part-time Minnesota United employees that he fired during the COVID-19 global pandemic.

“Oh god it gives me such a RUSH,” stated McGuire as he lobbed a tomato at the figure of Harriet Stewart who was standing out in her garden. “Firing these dumb bastards is more fun than making money on the stock market. It’s like the rush you get when you ALLEGEDLY create a scheme to backdate stock options so they look as though they were made on days when the stock value is lower. It just makes me into a little rum-tum-tugger.”

According to insider sources, McGuire demanded a list of all the employees that were most vulnerable to this economic collapse and social pandemic before rubbing the paper all over his body and stating, “oh yeah.”

He then wrote a terse email to the employees in question, launched his helicopter and proceeded to each of their houses to personally insult them and pelt them with fruit.

“OH YES,” stated a manic McGuire with a light in his eyes reminiscent of the time he defrauded UnitedHealth stockholders. “Oh GOD YES! FIRE THEM ALL… FIRE… THEM…. ALLL.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as McGuire takes to knocking on the doors of the employees and coughing in their face.

Area Man States He Is Willing To Sacrifice Your Grandma To COVID-19 As Long As Halliburton's Stock Goes Up 40 Points

Austin, TX - Area moron and elected dickhead Dan Patrick stated, during a recent television interview, that he is willing to sacrifice your grandma to COVID-19 as long as Halliburton stock goes up 40 points.

“THE STOCK MARKET IS GOD, PRODUCE THE FOURTH QUARTER PROJECTIONS,” stated Patrick as he ranted and raved about the coming doom times where people simply aren’t producing things for consumption.

“We were born to consume! The factories must be restarted! We must repeal the Fair Labor Standards Act and put our nations 10 year olds back to work in the munitions factories and coal mines! WE MUST CONSUME!”

According to sources close to Patrick, he, allegedly, began losing his mind as he began freebasing Chloroquine mixed in with a light dose of ether to take in the news every evening.

“GOD IS IN THE STARS, WE MUST SACRIFICE OURSELVES TO HIS BACTERIA. NONE SHALL LIVE WHILE THE OTHERS SHALL NOT ALSO NOT DIE. THAT’S IN ACTS. GOD WANTS US TO DO A LOT MORE COCAINE, YOU SEE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Patrick still figures out a way to save himself from the danger of COVID-19

"Well, I Just Honestly Can't Believe This! When Will People Wake Up?" States American Man For The 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,345th Time

LOS ANGELES - David Thornberry continued to act completely shocked at the actions of the people that surround him as Americans across the country continued to flock in groups to beaches, parks, bars, sidewalks and events despite the constant and unending warnings to stay at home.

“If I craft the perfect tweet that is really going to stop all this stuff once and for all!”

“Well, I just can’t believe this,” stated Thornberry for the 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,345th time in recent history. “When will people wake up?”

Thornberry reportedly keeps stating things like, “Now THIS… THIS will clearly be the thing that makes Americans sit up and take notice,” before retweeting stories about negligence, corruption, imprisonment, inequality and racism that at least 50% of Americans are pretty comfortable with on a day to day basis.

“I know that with what I’m seeing online tweeted by the people I follow that we will see a great swell of solidarity that will really allow us to reclaim our country from this COVID paralysis,” stated Thornberry as he looked out his kitchen window at two full basketball courts of pickup games and park filled with people socializing.

“Eventually Americans will actually learn that we need to stick up for each other and protect the weakest people in our country by ensuring that the Politicans we elect will actually represent us with honor” stated Thornberry as he continued to ignore the last 50 years of American History

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thornberry states, “Well, I just honestly can’t believe this! When Will People Wake Up?” for the 4,200,342,667,695,443,234,894,532,342,346th, time after watching a Presidential address on the COVID-19 Virus.

NASL Extends League Cancellation Due To CDC Guidelines

MIAMI - In accordance with CDC guidelines in response to COVID-19, the defunct North American Soccer League (NASL) stated that it would extend the league cancellation in place since 2017.

“The extension of our permanently cancelled season is made in compliance with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) guidance to cancel all mass gatherings for the next eight weeks,” stated Rocco B. Commisso posting from the NASL’s official Twitter account.

According to the NASL, a task force comprised of one person continues to monitor the extremely fluid situation and will update fans as they receive more news and guidance from the CDC. “The NASL will continue to update fans as they receive more news and the US Soccer Federation can suck it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL extends their league cancellation to 2021 and 2022.

Man Concerned That Cat Isn't Chelsea Fan

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan in quarantine Ben Williams stated that he is very concerned that his cat Thibaut isn’t a Chelsea fan as the cat showed no interest in watching downloaded Chelsea games from Williams’ laptop.

“meow,” - Thibaut Williams.

“I always felt like we were on the same page,” stated Williams to our reporter through a Skype session. “But the more that I’ve been home the more I’ve realized that Thibaut appears to not be a Chelsea fan.”

Williams reportedly spent the last few days trying to figure out if Thibaut is a fan of some other team as he tried to see if the cat was interested in toys that were Red instead of Blue.

“He can’t be a Manchester United or Arsenal cat. He just can’t,” stated Williams as he looked at Thibaut athletically lifting his leg in order to lick his crotch. “I don’t know what I or the team did to turn him away, but I’m determined to fix that.”

Williams reportedly started working on a Chelsea Cat scarf for Thibaut as he played a Gary Cahill Defensing Skills and Goals video from 2017/2018.

We reached out to Thibaut for comment but the cat refused to talk to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thibaut steps on Williams laptop and stops the video replay of the 2012 Champions League Final.