Klinsmann Fires Back At Critics

BERLIN - Jurgen Klinsmann, the coach of the United States National Team, released a torrid criticism of the people who are criticizing him for releasing critical comments about the press who were criticizing Klinsmann for criticizing his players.

"At some point the United States will learn how to analyze on the fifth plane of meta-analysis" said the coach addressing a gathered mob of irate Twitter users stationed outside his winter home in the highlands of Berlin.

"I spend every morning being critical of myself for being critical of myself about being critical of my players not be critical enough about their careers. The least I can expect is that Brek Shea show up in shape to do the same."

TNN had a correspondent onsite and asked irate Twitter user Geoff Rampin his opinion about the situation. "Klinsmann ain't got no right to be up in their grills! He doesn't even play no more!" said the blogger also known by his twitter handle @smokinbluntz69usmnt

TNN will cover this situation as it develops.

Chivas USA making big moves

Los Angeles, CA - Citing a downturn in their current economic model with Major League Soccer, the collected group of spare parts left over from Chivas USA have decided to move away from MLS and join with the United Soccer League (USL). 

Virginia Abernathy, a spokeswoman from Chivas USA, commented on the new move. "We feel that moving from the MLS to the USL gives our club a chance to succeed and stand out among the other clubs and also create a system where our players can develop their skills and perhaps find a place in the USL."

While acknowledging that there has been a  precipitous decline in player numbers for the team, Ms. Abernathy said that Chivas USA would hold try outs in the Los Angeles area, provided that the applicants speak Spanish, English, Esperanto and a form of Kuridsh spoken in the west part of a province outside Tehran. 

"These players will be given a chance to carry on the great legacy that Jorge Vergara left us with right before the team completely imploded into nothingness" said Ms. Abernathy.

Nutmeg News was unable to gather a comment from a USL representative. 

Soccer Fans Demand Net Neutrality

Cincinnati, OH - First Row Sports (FirstRowSports.eu), a website that provides pirate streams of soccer games from around the world, is being shown the red card from soccer fans demanding that they be forced into following Net Neutrality guidelines.

There's not nearly enough porn apps and pop ups.

"It's not fair," says David Rogers a Cincinnati resident, "I cut the cable because the cost of cable packages were just getting outrageous.  I found that I, as a soccer supporter, could just pirate whatever I wanted for free on the internet to fight back against the egregious costs but now FirstRowSports is the only site that is getting linked for my streams and they are clearly manipulating my bandwidth throughput and stream quality."

He continued, "It used to be you could find some guy putting out full HD streams but now all we get are these crummy 240p videos from FirstRowSports. I just don't have any options. I bet FirstRowSports sends DCMA takedown notices to all the other sites to ensure they're the only ones streaming the games."

When asked what he plans to do if the Net Neutrality push doesn't work he replied: "I'm going to enable Ad-Block on all those sites to really hit them in their pocketbooks. I'm not-not paying good money for nothing."

Portland Timbers to add free-range chicken roaster to concourse

Portland, OR - Citing a new loophole in the city statues that allow the maintenance of an urban farm in Goose Hollow, the area of Portland that is home to Providence Park, the Portland Timbers announced that they would include a free-range chicken roaster for the Key Bank Club stands.

Chip Fletcher is the head chef for Providence Park. "The chickens will be treated with care exceeding all current poultry care requirements. They will be fed organic corn harvested from the highlands of Beaverton, Oregon. Each chicken will be given an eclectic name from de Maupassant French Short Stories and will also be read bed time stories from an appropriate collection of fan donated material."

On the day of an event they will be draped in miniature Timbers scarves and then ritualistically slaughtered by Timber Joey just before the event begins.

Fletcher continued, "The chickens will be available in both sandwich and strip varietals and a donation will be made to the Serengeti Conservation Society with each purchase."

Advocates of Promotion and Relegation eliminate the option from Premier League fantasy league

Richmond, VA - "It all started out as fun", said David Stephenson "but then we realized the problem."

With a record 40 members of the Richmond Premier League Fantasy club signed up for 2013, David Stephenson and Robert Jones made the decision to implement promotion and relegation to their fantasy league.

Within a few weeks the effects of this change was startling, "We started out as a cohesive group of 40, but the 20 people who were instantly demoted to our Championship League Only fantasy league couldn't keep track of the players they were picking. They seemed to auto select players at random and half the group pulled out. It turned into a giant shit sandwich".

The effects of the Promotion and Relegation implementation spanned more than just player acquisition issues. It created an issue with the finances of the league.

"We had all of the player buy into the league at $50 but after 20 of the players were relegated, they wanted a cheaper option to buy into the league in the second year. We had to create a balloon payment system out of the winnings of the other players to cover the costs that the relegated players didn't want to pay" said Robert Jones, executive vice president of the league. " At some point, the players who finished just out of the relegation zone were upset that the players who did worse than they did got a bigger benefit, so they all started to compete against each other to try to get relegated."

Jones and Stephenson have stated that they want implement the option in future leagues, but if they do so they will make sure that the players sign a waiver stating that they "will not complain, even if Jerry wins again like he does every season and Tommy picks all the players that he remembers from the Leeds United teams from the 1970s"