USWNT Fan Flips Car In Protest Of Wambach Witch Hunt

Boise, ID - Sandra Valen, fan of the United States Women's National Team, admitted that she flipped her car in protest of the recent, "Abby Wambach witch hunt," after TMZ revealed that Wambach flipped her SUV in the front yard of a house in Portland, Oregon two years ago.

Photo: Getty Images

"I'm here to announce that I've already forgiven Abby for any kind of infraction she may have done in the past including any supposed DUI's, drug running, xenophobic comments, dog fighting, illicit comments about teammates, or even murder," stated Ms. Valen to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm flipping my car in solidarity with Abby because this is bullshit. I'm posting this to my Tumblr account as a way to show that anyone can flip a car at any time. What someone does in the past stays in the past. There's no reason to dredge this back up. Abby told me to forget her, and I did. I literally forgot and forgave all her sins. I'm like Jesus in that way."

Ms. Valen admitted that she forgot everything about Ms Wambach except for her eternal love of Ms Wambach and the notion that, "Abby can do no wrong."

"SHE CAN DO NO WRONG. Have you seen how many goals she scored? Have you seen her trophy case? Have you seen old pictures of Abby recently and wept? I HAVE! This is just the liberal media out to get Abby and I won't stand for it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Valen starts talking about people from Germany taking her brothers job.

D.C. United Announce "The Customer Is Always Wrong" Policy In Light Of Criticisms

WASHINGTON - In response to recent criticisms of the D.C. United front office by fans such as the District Ultras, the D.C. United front office rolled out their new campaign which states, "The Customer Is Always Wrong."

Photo: Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

"We are almost there, boys! If we have no fans by the time we move into the new stadium we can increase pricing for the inaugural season!"

"We realized that if we stopped caring about our fanbase and told them that they were wrong that they would just have to accept it, because our attendance is shit anyway," stated  general manager Dave Kasper.  "We had a general front office and ownership meeting about our fans at the end of the 2014 season and we decided that we don't really like them. It behooves us to remove all the elements that we don't like before we move into a new stadium where we don't want the ruffians around that might bring down our team value."

Reportedly, the D.C. United front office is trying to flip the team for a tidy profit two years after the stadium at Buzzard Point is built and has plans to collectively buy a Brooklyn Brownstone with the money.

"We actually called Merritt Paulson to ask him about how to tell fans off, but he told us that his fans just end up loving him anyway for doing so. He really didn't have any advice on how to actually get fans to stop showing up to games," stated Mr. Kasper to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So we called Jorge Vergara, who told us that the key to pissing off a fanbase was collectively apathy on and off the field, unreasonable sanctions on fans, increasing ticket prices, failing to keep promises and finding a way to ensure that the front office is a bigger story than the team on the field. We also reached out to Andrew Hauptman about this issue and he told us that the best way to reach a fanbase is to insult them by OP/ED online followed by not talking to them for the next few years and complete ineffectiveness on the field."

Sources within the D.C. United front office stated that if they can reduce the size of the supporters groups, they can sell more field level tickets at a higher price when they move into the new stadium so it behooves the team to eliminate as many fans with dissenting views as possible.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the D.C. United front office talks about invalidating the season tickets of any fans that dare challenge them in order to resell them to anyone else that wants the seats.

NBC Coverage Of Leicester City Pre-Game Sparkles As They Show 5 Seconds Of Coverage

NEW YORK - NBC today showed their new coverage of the Premier League champions by pushing the game to the USA network and showing roughly 5 seconds of Nessun Dorma as sung by Andrea Bocelli.

WALL TO WALL COVERAGE

"We realized that we needed to do more than absolutely nothing, so we upgraded from 0 seconds of coverage to 5 seconds of coverage," stated Michael Perman, vice-president of programming for NBC Sports.

"It was important for NBC to cover this in a really overbearing manner to show our commitment to the game so we managed to sandwich roughly 200 adds around the 2 seconds of atmosphere that we all knew existed but didn't really want to show at all. It was really more important to show some horses getting rubbed down and people talking about things that were eventually going to happen over on the main channel and show some hightlights while our announcers talk over the amazing scenes and then cut away before Bocelli sings."

Reportedly, NBC Sports was very proud of the fact that they moved from not giving a shit about the ceremony to do a really horrible job broadcasting it.

"It's a major step up for us! We are now doing an incompetent job. Before we weren't even doing A job. Hopefully we will figure out a way to do an even more moderately awful job going forward. Next year we hope to show you about 6 seconds of atmosphere followed by 86 commercials and then hopefully we will miss the first kick of the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

American E-Sports Fans Bemoan Lack Of Ambition After FIFA Stars Sign Locally

LOS ANGELES - "How are we going to compete with Europe if our biggest E-sports competitors are signing with inferior teams in an inferior league," claimed Dennis Billow of Santa Cruz, California. 

West Ham Football Club's Dragonn with a second place finish to Mohammad Al-Bacha.

What Mr Billow is referring to is the current trend of US E-Sports specialists in FIFA such as Mr FiGoSkiLLz (Michael Ribeiro) and Brian Jaldin signing locally instead of testing out their skills internationally with clubs such as West Ham in the Barclay's Premier League.

"Until we get FiGoSkiLLZ signing with Chelsea like Dragonn signed with West Ham we won't be a soccer nation," stated Barbara Hemsworth of Upper Darby Township, PA. "Our best players need to be playing internationally, and they need to go up against the kind of competition you will see at the FIFA Interactive World Cup on a regular basis. Otherwise we are just going to end up flaming out in the early stages again."

"These Americans need to be playing in the best league in order to test themselves," stated head coach of the US FIFA team Jurgen Klinsmann

Reportedly while many Premier League teams are starting to look at the burgeoning E-Sports scene in England as a place to tap talent, they feel as though the soccer IQ in the United States isn't there yet.

"We looked at a young man from Boston who was 14," stated Finance Director of Sunderland Angela Lowes. "However, we felt as though he was lacking in tactical part of the game. He liked to play athletic, strong and fast and we felt like he couldn't hold down a nuanced position in our e-sports 11."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC tries to make a splash by offering HugeGorilla (Spencer Ealing) a contract in order to make a splash in the transfer market.

Christy Clark: British Columbia Ready To Take In Oregon Refugees But Still Needs Details On Federal Funding

Burnaby, B.C. - Mindful of maintaining border control during a contentious United States election year, the British Columbia provincial government announced an effort at settling refugees from the Oregon territory as they stream across the border this weekend to escape the election and future government of their country, Premier Christy Clark says.

Photo Credit: Ray Terrill - For more photos, please see his Flickr Account 

"They come here on foot carrying everything with them. We must nourish their spirit after such a long journey and offer counselling."

"We hope that the federal government will be able to make sure that they have the funding in place to ensure that every refugee has a section in B.C. Place to settle for fans from Oregon of the Portland Timbers."

"The province has set aside $250 dollars to resettle newcomers with Canadian beer as these refugees will need trauma counselling after being forced to leave their homes," Clark said Friday.

"We feel that the best way to treat these refugees is humanely and with the decency not found on the other side of the border," stated Premier Clark. "We expect to see a wash of green clad migrants struggling across the acrid land of the peace arch and arriving on our shores within the hour. We have made our facilities, hostels, bars, and dance clubs available in select parts of the city while ensuring that our coffee shops maintain the highest quality in pour over techniques."

Clark said it’s not known how many refugees will come to B.C., though she has previously said the province is ready to accept roughly 600 of them before the whole thing gets really annoying in B.C. place for the fans that sit next to them.

"Likely we are going to need to open that roof as the refugees from Oregon have not showered after their long journey across the wastelands."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as British Columbia works on integrating these new members of society into the social fabric of Gastown.

After Day Three Of Pouring Through USSF Filings, Journalist Reports On Sense Of Ennui

CHICAGO - Journalist Peter Franklin reported a deep sense of ennui stemming from spending the last 3 days of digging through the collected filings of the US Soccer Federation and US Women's National Team regarding the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) complaint.

A modern soccer journalist in North America

"The only thing I can tell you is that I have clearly reached a stage where I don't care," stated Mr Franklin to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "There's just a mountain of legal documents that are being filed in this EEOC complaint and both sides are firmly entrenched and I'm not even certain what we are looking at anymore from a reporting standpoint."

While Franklin clearly has to file something, his determination of what that something is has changed from actual information to a general summation of the current details after seeing how much crap he has to sift through to try to find some kind of morsel of information.

"Look, I don't even know what I'm looking for, and I'm the one who actually gets to look through this stuff. And here's the thing.... I'm not getting paid any more money to spend my entire Thursday and Friday sifting through legalese and a bunch of terminology from the USSF. I'd rather write a preview of the games this weekend. Hell, I'd rather write a North American kit power ranking column than look through another document from this case. So draw your own conclusion from this and lets just wait til something else happens."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as despite his reservations, Mr Franklin continues to pour over documents until he just gets frustrated, shuts his laptop and boldly states, "fuck this".

Andrea Pirlo Deeply Sighs By A Mural As He Remembers He Actually Has To Go Back To Work

NEW YORK - Andrea Pirlo took in the mural that he was enjoying in the East Village at Doc Holliday's bar before the realization that he was having to go back to work and actually play football hit him right between the eyes.

Photo Credit: @Pirlo_official

"Merda! No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to eventually retire and do something that I love, I end up having to go back to my 9 to 5 job." 

"I was enjoying myself by walking, thinking and discussing French literature written about the terroir of Burgundy and the sudden realization that I had to go back to work on Sunday hit me in a very specific and determined way. It was then on east sixth street while wating for my hired car that I experienced a deep feeling of dissatisfaction," stated Pirlo to The Nutmeg News.

"I had a deep longing to call my friend Gianlugi Buffon and jet back off to Ibiza again. It's been ages. I just need a vacation. It is what the Americans call a feeling of dread before the work week, the feeling of an approaching Monday."

While Pirlo is travelling to RFK stadium with NYCFC to play DC United, this hasn't cheered up the mood of the Italian as he admitted to procrastinating his preparation for the job on Sunday.

"I have been hitting snooze on my alarm and attempting to still enjoy the day. I'm not looking forward to the commute. I'm not looking forward to having to slave over a hot pitch for 90 minutes. However, I keep repeating that I'm not going to let having to go back to work ruin my weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Pirlo lets the idea of returning back to his job ruin the last 4 hours of his Saturday evening before he goes to bed when he is supposed to be relaxing but instead he pensively sucks on the corner of his cheek while he scans over his smart phone clicking on nothing in specific but just scanning facebook and twitter while delaying his bedtime because he knows that closing his eyes means he has to go back to his job again.

Supporters Group Claims Diversity Award

Duluth, MN - Thor's Hammer, a supporters group of the Minnesota Menace, have claimed a 2016 Supporters Group diversity award after they recently acquired a bisexual Vietnamese fan on loan for the rest of the year.

Soccer supporter group demographics in North America (excluding Mexico) can be a bit monochromatic.

"Let's not beat around the bush," stated Berthold Smith, president of Thor's Hammer, to The Nutmeg News. "We are a pretty non-diverse group of supporters, even if you look at many of the big groups nationally. It isn't intentional, but the demographics into the sport right now don't lie. It's especially obvious when you browse pictures across the pantheon of soccer supporters in the United States. Soccer stands in the US and Canada aren't exactly a hugely diverse place, yet. So when we added Samuel Nguyen to our ranks this year it upped the diversity of the league supporters group by a whopping 10%."

Mr. Smith admitted that the group pictures of Thor's Hammer used to resemble an IT company's annual picnic, but now he stated that the supporters group is proud to showcase actual physical evidence that they are inclusive and welcoming, even if most of the membership remains lily white.

"We have always had people flying pride flags, but many of our members in our LGBT community moved to Minneapolis in the past few years. So it's really nice to have a double whammy of someone from Vietnam who also is part of the LGBT community. Really gives us that edge in the awards categories."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thor's Hammer tries to figure out a way to reach out to more fans from different socioeconomic areas of the city who may not even understand that they might enjoy soccer.

33 Year Old Fan Defies Common Sense On Gameday

Salt Lake City, UT - "It's not like back when I was 22 when I could drink all day without a problem, but I'm fine... I'm COMPLETELY FINE," stated Tim Brown of the Sugarhouse neighborhood while defying the advancement of his age that will require him to pay for his actions at the game on Saturday by being unable to move on Sunday. 

"Every time he gets to the weekend and another home game, he promises me that he is going to take it easy," stated Mr. Brown's fiancee Jerry Stillwater. "Then he goes to the game, has a few beers, forgets how it makes him feel and the next thing you know he is jumping up and down on concrete, waving a flag and yelling profanities at the field. I keep telling him that he is 33, and he can't go to the game wearing a replica kit like a 14 year old kid, slamming beers in the parking lot, and jumping around like crazy. You have to have a bit of a limit and he is still realizing his."

While Mr. Brown was indisposed on Sunday to speak with The Nutmeg News, we caught up with him at The Park Cafe on Thursday morning to speak with him about his actions.

"Well, I went to the game, talked to some friends outside the stadium, which turned into talking to some of their friends, which continued into doing tequila shots with some 20 year old college kids at their first game that were hanging outside which lead to drunkenly singing songs, which lead to 6 Bud Lights during the game, which lead to me pulling my kit off and whirling it around my head around 70 minutes after the Yura goal which turned into a massive headache, a migraine most of Sunday, and needing to lie in a cool dark place to recover."

Reportedly, Mr. Brown has considered changing his tickets from a supporters section to something a bit less rowdy, but forgets how awful he feels post hangover by the time the next game rolls around and continues to want to deny his advancing age.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brown notices a persistent back and knee pain and deliberates whether he needs to switch to craft beer because Bud Light is just, "wrecking me, ugh... god."

Blogger Works Hard To Somehow Connect Leicester City Victory To United States

Des Moines, IA - Blogger Steven Kuparik diligently worked on a story, Thursday, that would allow him to connect the seemingly dissimilar events of the Leicester City premier league title and the current landscape of American soccer.

"I'm not sure yet how this is going to work out," stated Mr Kuparik to The Nutmeg News, "but I'm hoping that when I'm done writing this story that my heart wrenching emotes will connect the two situations allowing all of us in the entire United States to bask in the reflective glory of the Leicester City championship."

Reportedly, Mr. Kuparik came to this idea as 10,000 bloggers did, by watching Chelsea draw Tottenham to hand Leicester the championship and then wondering, "what does this say about MY situation."

"I just wanted to understand myself better, my situation better and my soccer better by allowing all of that to be covered in the glory of the win of a mill town in England. Despite neither of the situations really having anything to do with each other, I'm going to struggle on through that for some tenuous grasps such as, 'the struggle for authenticity is one we face everywhere' or I'll cribb some of the data from Wells Thompson's ESPN piece that I'll pass off as new information for my tens of readers. Somehow, someway I'm connecting this victory to my own situation."

Goal Allows Fleeting Joy For Critic Of North American Soccer Structure

NEW YORK - Eternal critic of the soccer structure in North America Carl Pearson admitted that he allowed himself a feeling of fleeting joy while watching a goal scored by Steven Mendoza during NYCFC's 3-2 win over the Vancouver Whitecaps.

"One must only allow themselves feelings when they watch the European leagues. Only league stooges allow themselves any sentimentality towards the act of soccer within North America."

"I felt a tremor in my extremities which soon enveloped my entire body. Words of joy came out of my mouth before I could stop them," stated Mr Pearson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I momentarily felt the kind of happiness that leads one to abandon all kinds of moral pretense. I resolved quickly after that to regain my resolute dissatisfaction of the structure of soccer within North America and buried that feeling of joy of the game of soccer without pondering on the overall impact that it has upon a society deep within my soul where it will not awaken until an inadvertent yelp will be exclaimed after a David Villa goal four months from now."

Mr. Pearson has stated that he does not allow himself to feel any joy at the game of soccer from any league in the United States or Canada due to the fact that all leagues are complicit in the, "Cabal like structure that strangles real growth of a league based upon anarchic community owned syndicates that operate within a grass roots endeavor." 

He stated, as well, that on rare occasions he can once again regain the love of the game of soccer independent of the geo-political ramifications of enjoying the sport, but that this typically only happens twice per year before he reminds himself, "man in this country cannot enjoy soccer ever whilst the elite oligarchy strangle our dreams in the cradle with the umbilical chord of the centrally controlled league bourgeois elite while our dreams of a socialist utopia involving cut throat capitalist league structures ensuring that mediocrity and failure is resolutely punished dies and withers."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Pearson asks his friend Leonard to not post the photo of him doing a "fist pump" in celebration.

Soccer Trolls Unite To Set New Standards

Soccer trolls the continent over announced that they are uniting to set new standards for their members in order to further their trolling over the game they hate.

"We had t-shirts but the soccer morons kept buying them to wear ironically."

"We've been utilizing the 'this is 'MURICA we hate ties' argument for so long that it has been well and truly fucked out," stated Jason Levinthen director of Soccer Haters Of North America (SHONA). "I even saw someone utilizing the old standard of throwing out homophobic slurs in order to demean soccer players as 'limp wristed' or 'pansies' while praising football and the olden days when, 'men were men'. This kind of terrible trolling will not stand. We must work together as a group to enable new standards in order for people who hate soccer to actually get under the skin of people who love soccer."

The Nutmeg News spoke with SHONA member and soccer hater, Jim Davies of Tallahassee, Florida, about his trolling game and he had the following to say, "I've had to step up my game. I realized that yelling about how this country won't stand for soccer doesn't work anymore. So I've started watching games to get intimate details that I can use to troll soccer fans with. I mean, without knowledge I'm just an empty blowhard spewing vomit out into the internet. With knowledge, I can really make these communists feel bad."

Reportedly, Mr Levinthen has advised SHONA members to be careful about their soccer consumption as he has already lost some members to the sport with their repeated viewing.

"I recommend that all SHONA members douche their frontal cortex with a heavy amount of the hardest hits in the NFL in order to restore their manliness. We can't be losing our essence to these godless round ball loving fools. We must stay strong and remember that we watch so that we can hate."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Levinthen depressingly finds himself excited for an upcoming Champions League Game.

NWSL Officials Primed For Second Go Round After Reminder To Not End Games Early

NWSL Officials were primed for a second go round of the season after a reminder from FIFA, PRO and the rest of the world to not end games early.

Photo Credit: http://www.proreferees.com/

How many minutes are there in a game? 85? 70? Who knows?!

After a situation in Boston where the head referee of the Boston Breakers versus Portland Thorns NWSL match ended the game and picked up the ball before the minimum of two minutes of stoppage time had elapsed and then realized that there was still time left in the game before restarting the game, PRO admitted that their referees were confused by how much time was actually in a soccer game.

"We had some referee's asking how much time was in a soccer game and whether it was necessary to continue a game that was all but over with all that stupid stoppage time in a match if they had dinner reservations at Alden & Harlow," stated general manager of PRO Peter Walton. "We had to reiterate that it was a minimum of stoppage time, not a general suggestion, and that they should always plan their dinner plans to be further out from the finish of the game."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that while nearly everyone including the players, crowd, coaches and assistant referees thought the game was over that it was, in fact, not. The result was that the game restarted and finished with 90 seconds of pure quality that shows how on level the refereeing from PRO is with other sports.

"We may have messed up the finish, but those 90 seconds were amazing," stated Walton. "It was right up there with Howard Webb in a Champions League final. And honestly, anyone could make that mistake, it isn't like we are getting paid to be referees. Soccer is a fluid game, maybe we should just be able to end games whenever we like. Until that happens, though, we DO plan in the future to actually have the game finish when it is designated to do so and not early."

Journalist Seeks New Pejorative As "Soccer Hipster" Description Pronounced Dead

NEW YORK - "Soccer hipster is DEAD" declared writer for the New York Observer Edward Lipscott, "And I need something new to utilize in a way that will marginalize and demonize any groups of fans that I disagree with, find quirky, or simply don't know anything about at all."

HOW DARE YOU SUPPORT THIS SPORT. GET OUT.

Mr. Lipscott spoke to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday about his quest for a new pejorative to replace "Soccer Hipster" as a word utilized to generalize and insult groups of fans in North America or abroad. 

"We had an influx of heavy soccer-hipster usage in the early 10's," stated Lipscott, "and everything was hunky dory. We had hipsters following World Cups, hipsters in Brooklyn following Atletico Madrid, proto-anarchist-hipsters supporting St Pauli, coffee-sucking-quasi-seceding-hipsters supporting the Sounders, Timbers, and Whitecaps, anti-nationalist-hipsters supporting illogical national team sides, and provincial-hipsters supporting NPSL teams; but it is a long time coming that we journalists find another term to utilize in order to express our disdain."

Mr. Lipscott has admitted to a long list of test pejoratives that will demonize fans in a way that suggests they are both illegitimate, silly, vapid and worth mocking, but he states, "I won't release what I'm going to use til I co-ordinate the usage and release of the word across the entire continent. It's important to ensure that self-righteous bloggers, firebrands, sports radio talk show hosts, and every reporter not worth their salt utilizes this word going forward as the catch-all way to show your readership how awful these people are in life. Currently, I admit, there is nothing more illuminating than the usage of 'Soccer Hipster' in a paragraph which distinctly allows your readership to immediately peg you as an unimaginative hack and lazy writer indulging in trope. I hope to change this for the worse and eventually allow all of us to revisit soccer hipster in another 10 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Lipscott works feverishly to ensure that the soccer hipsters don't get their grubby hands on his word.

After Disappointing Team Dinner, Columbus Crew Feel They Deserve Better

Seattle, WA - After another disappointing team dinner held at Salena Mexicana in the Westlake Center on Saturday evening, the Columbus Crew felt that they deserved better from their meal.

"The Crew dominated the early ordering but were unable to break through and actually have a lengua torta in time."

The Nutmeg News spoke to sporting director and head coach Gregg Berhalter about the performance and he had the following to say.

On the food...

"I think it was a meal of two halves in terms of us controlling the order in the first half and them controlling the serving in the second half, which I guess they don't do there. I'm a little bit disappointed with our reaction to the extra cost of guacamole and I thought we lost our aggression and purpose. You know, our queuing wasn't good enough to allow all the players to order in a timely fashion and it allowed them to take control of the meal and after the first half of order, which I felt we had a couple of good opportunities to eat well, it was disappointing to end the game like that."

On the message to Federico Higuain coming out of the bathroom half way through ordering...

"It was about the next chance to order a torta. Not worrying about any potential misses from the people in line in front of him but focusing on the next opportunity. You always order the torta if you get a chance. In eating, sometimes you make them, sometimes you miss them so it's not getting too down and just focusing on the next opportunity that you get to order a torta. My god, they are delicious."

On the aspect of a low-calorie meal...

"Listen, overall I think the team probably got some good calories out of this game. You know we came to eat like we always do. We eat regardless of the atmosphere at the mall and we came to dominate the game. For large stretches we did just that. Unfortunately, we weren't able to maintain that up to our standard and we ended up eating at a mall. It's a mistake, but it's a long season. We won't be coming out here to eat again.

The Nutmeg News also spoke with defender Michael Parkhurst about the meal and he had the following to say.

On the match...

"We are upset. We are distraught. Our bowels are clenched. We felt like we deserved to win that meal and at the minimum leave there without gastrointestinal distress. We are very upset with ourselves that we gave up a soft taco on a misorder like that. We fell asleep and they punished us for it. We have to finish a meal out."

On what they can take from this meal moving forward in the season...

"We can take that we need to focus for 90 straight minutes after the game to decide to eat somewhere other than a mall. In this league you can't fall asleep for a second. We have a tiny per diem and our indecision cost us. You know what we did and we got punished for it and now we go home with bad food, zero points and we need to learn from that mistake.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Crew attempt to rectify their ordering mistakes with some home cooking.

Eight Month Title Drought Comes To Dramatic End For New Leicester Fan

NEW YORK - Leicester City fan Bob Steward finally had his title drought come to an end in dramatic fashion after Chelsea Football Club knocked Tottenham Hotspur out of the Premier League title race on Monday evening to hand Leicester City FC the Premier League title.

Photo Credit: AP

THIS IS YOUR GOLDEN GOD.

"It's been a tough 8 months since I switched from being a Chelsea fan to being a Leicester City fan," stated Mr Steward to the Nutmeg News on Monday evening. "But finally my suffering has come to an end. We are champions for the first time since.... um... hold on, let me check wikipedia..... Oh... EVER. CHAMPIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! What a feeling"

While Mr. Steward was celebrating Chelsea's title last season at this time, he didn't know what a long trip it would be towards supporting Leicester City as he switched his allegiances just in enough time to suffer through months of a title drought that extended back to the formation of the club in 1884. 

"It's a been a long time coming since  Leicester City was formed by a group of old boys of Wyggeston School as 'Leicester Fosse' until just now, when we became champions," stated Mr Steward as he casually browsed the Leicester City wikipedia page. 

"I'm just getting tearful thinking about the long time, and I'm planning on celebrating by ordering my Manchester City kit for next season right now."

Reportedly, the friends of Mr. Steward say that they have never known a bigger Leicester City fan as none of them before 2016 even knew that Leicester City existed.

"Yeah, Bob is really a huge fan of Leicester City and Chelsea so today was a great day for him. He really seems to love all teams in blue," stated friend Andrea Townsend. "It's a great day for him and almost as good a day as the day when he learned how to appropriately pronounce the name of the city. What a day to be a fan for the last 8 months."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Steward celebrates vociferously. 

Pioneers Of Equality: Man Plays Seattle Reign Game On Tablet

Bremerton, WA - Seattle sports fan Paul Oliver made the bold decision to play the live Seattle Reign game on his Nexus Tablet while watching the Sounders replay on his phone and the Mariners game he DVR'd on Television on Sunday.

"I think something happened in one of the games, but I'm not entirely certain what it is."

"I was going to watch the Reign game on my phone, the Sounders replay on my tablet and the Mariners game on TV, but I decided... you know what? Time to give those gals their due, so I moved the Reign game to my tablet, the Sounders replay to my phone and kept the Mariners on TV," stated Oliver to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

"I'm a woman's man and as such I think it's important to keep progressing the social order of things. That's why I gave the Reign second billing in my household. Now granted, I had to make a few errand runs while the games were going on, but I can guarantee that my tablet stayed on the YouTube stream most of the night."

While Mr Oliver's progressive stance stands in stark contrast to his neighbors, he forges ahead with his feminist belief that the Reign deserve second billing in his household.

"It's like I say. Equality is me giving second billing to the women while the Mariners piss away another game in Kansas City on a DVR recording I would have watched live if I wasn't at the farmers market all afternoon. We are breaking boundaries here. Just three years ago, I didn't even acknowledge the Reign, but now we are here and I'm seriously thinking of purchasing an Alex Morgan kit for my daughter Elizabeth."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Oliver proudly contemplates his new feminist ideal.

Office Mixup Leads To Chastened Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - "What a game...WHAT... A... GAME.... GREAT RESULT," said confused Timbers fan Jeremy Quigly as he inserted himself into a sports conversation that he thought had to do with the Timbers 2-1 victory over Toronto FC only to find out that his office mates were discussing the Portland Trailblazers 12 point loss against the Golden State Warriors.

"So.... um.... what ARE we talking about here?"

"I was listening to Tara, James and Simon talking about sports and, 'the game yesterday' and I mistakenly inserted myself into the conversation," stated Mr. Quigly to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "It turns out that the Timbers aren't the only game in town and that they were drowning their sorrows in shared commiseration over the Blazers loss to the Warriors on Sunday and NOT the Timbers 2-1 win over TFC."

Reportedly, Mr. Quigly quickly removed himself from the conversation while slowly slinking away to the coffee machine and bathroom to pretend that he didn't interrupt three heartbroken fans with his over exuberant statements.

"That didn't work out like I planned, but how did I know what they were talking about. I just heard, 'that game yesterday' and I jumped into the deep end. I should have known better, but I thought everyone would be talking about the win yesterday."

While Mr. Quigly may have breached office protocol, he remains steadfast in his opinion that soccer should be talked about at work stating, "Someone's got to do it. So I just walked around the cubicles looking for soccer paraphernalia until I found someone that had a Barcelona scarf in their office. We had a nice conversation about the game, so I've got that going for me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Craster from Human Resources notices three fans talking about the game yesterday and excitedly interjects about the Portland Thorns recent 1-0 win over the Boston Breakers.

Fan Spews Hot Take On Fanbase He Knows Nothing About

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy fan Victor Denilson stated, "I think Sporting Kansas City fans love fan culture more than they love the game" despite having never attended a single game of any sport in Kansas City.

Well done, Cauldron.

"It's clearly obvious that all they like is to drink, hang out with their friends and paint pretty pictures." stated Denilson to The Nutmeg News on Monday morning. "I don't actually know anyone from Kansas City and I don't have any intention to go to watch a game there and actually I've never even gone to the city but I am 100% certain of my belief about Kansas City fans based on, like, three guys that I used to follow on Twitter."

While the righteous anger from Mr. Denilson oozed out on his twitter account in the morning, he spared no one as he continued to take his battle against fans that didn't even know he exists to all avenues of the internet including Big Soccer, Facebook, MLS comments and reddit.

"These fans must know that they are just self serving art-and-crafts fans who show up for a sporting event every week. Real sports fans sit there with their arms crossed, scowling at the field and ignoring everything around them as they criticize and internalize all the action that happens in front of them. If you are singing, or dancing or holding flags and two sticks, you are in this for the wrong reasons, BUCKO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Mr. Denilson continues his online harangue against all fans by stating that, "This is why soccer will never be big in the United States."