Georgios Samaras Unaware That He Might Play For Rayo OKC And Not Rayo Vallecano

Yukon, OK - Ex Celtic player Georgios Samaras was reportedly unaware that his agent is talking with Rayo OKC and not Rayo Vallecano.

"What the hell have I done?!"

"Happy to be playing in LA Liga next season," stated Samaras on his private Facebook page. "Hope I am able to make an impact against Barcelona next season."

While Samaras reportedly thought he was close to signing for Rayo Vallecano, he was shocked when he found out that he would be playing at the illustrious Yukon High School football field.

"As in America? Where the hell is Yukon?" stated a perturbed Samaras to his friends on Monday morning. "What the hell have I done?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Samaras decides whether or not to board the plane from Greece to Oklahoma City.

With Season Looming, FC Edmonton Fan Tired Of Being Pigeonholed

Edmonton, AB - With the upcoming 2016 season slowly arriving, FC Edmonton fan Gerry McKenzie has admitted that he is tired of being pigeonholed as the "Guy who showed his ass."

"Where's Gerry? GERRY.... GERRY.... SHOW YOUR ASS!"

"I can do so much more," stated McKenzie to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I can show my chest, my head, I can show some leg if I wear a kilt, or even I can show an erotic peak of inner thigh."

While Mr McKenzie has admitted that he is tired of being known as, "That bare assed fella," he admits that the notoriety has offered him some benefits.

"I am no longer afraid to show my ass anywhere, if need be. Also some local estheticians stated that my shape and the vigor of my ass was quite nice and offered a free waxing and skin cleansing if the time comes for me to show my ass again. This will ensure that my cheeks are both luscious, pink and well moisturized."

Reportedly, Mr Mckenzie is working on a new body display that will blow everyone away for FC Edmonton's April 24th game against the Ottawa Fury.

"It's going to be amazing. Everyone will be talking about it. I can't spoil it, but it involves puppetry and.... well.... the less said the better."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Gerry McKenzie's bail fund as needed.

BREAKING NEWS: Swearing Occurred During Chicago Fire Game

CHICAGO - BREAKING NEWS from the windy city as, reportedly, a swear word was uttered during the recent Chicago Fire home opener. 

OH THE HUMANITY!

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dan Harrison of Buffalo Grove about the word and he had the following to say. "My Jimmy's ears have been deflowered! Never have I heard such a thing as yesterday. There was one man and he uttered a very noticeable word that I will not repeat here so as not to debase your constitution. However, my Jimmy heard this word and now he will very clearly end up a homicidal serial killer clown that won't even get into Dartmouth."

While Mr. Harrison values the porous eardrums of his son, The Nutmeg News spoke to a variety of people in the Harlem End in order to figure out what happened.

"I heard it as well," said Blaine Franklin of Lisle. "Someone said...... the 'f' word when NYCFC scored another goal. It was very audible. I was shocked, offended and downright felt abused by his lack of genteel refinement. We are not animals here, good sir. I expect the constables to effect an arrest of this violent individual and perhaps commit him to an institution for shock therapy. Pardon my language, but WHAT A BRIGAND!"

TNN reporters also spoke with Lisa Dombrowski of Downers Grove who had the following to say, "Fuck those guys who can't take a swear word," before she was ushered out of the section to be told that what she said was unbecoming of a lady.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the moral debasement of our country continues in soccer supporters groups.

Orlando City Fan Still Looking For Keys After Celebrating Late Goals

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC fan Drew Goddard is still looking for his keys, and hoping that they are returned to him from the Citrus Bowl after celebrating Orlando City's late goals while reportedly leaving the stadium in disgust.

Not Pictured: Drew Goddard after the 89th minute

"I was walking out of the stadium in anger and frustration with my car keys in my hand with the first and second goals went in. Somehow, in the massive celebration that ensued, I lost my keys under the stands somewhere. If anyone has a clue as to where they went, please let me know," stated Mr Goddard to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

While Mr Goddard claimed the previous to The Nutmeg News, friends also indicate that Mr Goddard reportedly asked on Facebook for his friends to look in the parking lot by the area where his car was parked stating, "I'm not sure where I lost them, but it might have been next to my car when the second goal happened. I left around the 85th minute, so I should have made it to my car by then."

When confronted about this information Mr Goddard stated, "I was absolutely in the stadium when we scored. I was leaving, but I hadn't left. I swear that on my dead hamster. Seriously, you could check the pictures but I'm always behind someone or below someone or hugging someone with my face turned away in the celebration. Trust Me. I was there. But if someone could help me find my keys, that would be great."

Major League Soccer T.I.F.O Rankings: Week 1

Welcome to the first week of the rest of your life, Major League Soccer fans and fans of teams within this league.

The Nutmeg News has collected and summarized the Top 3 best T.I.F.O displays in the league from the supporters groups associated with those teams. Why Top 3? Because looking through the rest of these displays was exhausting for the editorial staff and they opened up a bottle of Jameson to forget about the rest. 

These rankings are iron clad and fully vested within all states and provinces except for Guam and Alberta. They are non-negotiable and if you disagree, you are wrong. Having said that, here are the best T.I.F.O displays of the week.

#1 San Jose Earthquakes - Imperio Sismico

SUMMARY: We with The Nutmeg News encourage education at all levels of life and that's why the TEREMOTOS banner by Imperio Sismico was the #1 display of the week. The display of this banner caused thousands of drunk, English (only) speaking, LOBINA attending Californians to frantically pull up google translate in order to figure out "what in the SAM HILL is going on, Becky!". Fans reportedly reacted both positively and negatively with a number of flustered people stating, "I DIDN'T COME HERE TO LEARN! I came here to drink copious amounts of beer, scream profanities, browse Tinder and eat nachos like I do at Sharks games."

#2 Seattle Sounders - Emerald City Supporters

SUMMARY: It's a set of balls and a penis in blue watching television. What's not to love? Any time a supporters group purposefully puts a set of balls and penis in 50 foot high characters in the front of their section, you know they are feeling the blues, which is why this T.I.F.O display is in the colors of Sporting Kansas City, or at least that is one theory. No one really knows why the Emerald City Supporters would do this display, but maybe they just like to have their balls and penis out while watching television

#3 Portland Timbers - Timbers Army

SUMMARY: The Timbers Army had a tribute to the epic film Eat - Pray - Love with their Dance - Kiss - Love and massive center banner of an angelic Julia Roberts in full lifelike photo-realism. While TNN editors would have picked Roberts' turn as a character who has to play Julia Roberts in Oceans 12, leave it to Portland to go for a movie that they liked before it will ever be cool.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

This weeks dishonorable mention goes to......

Seattle Sounders - North End Faithful

SUMMARY:

TL: DR

The Reanimated Corpse Of Ashley Cole Does OK In His Debut, Despite Being Dead

LOS ANGELES - Fans of the Galaxy agree that the reanimated corpse of Ashley Cole did pretty decently in the game on Sunday evening, for a person who is legally dead.

By any chance do you have any brains soaked in caviar?

"I'd probably have a problem with his game if he was alive but for a zombie getting a pay day, he wasn't bad," stated Hanson Beckworth of Burbank. "It's a testament to modern medicine that Ashley played as well as he did, because it must be difficult to run around on the field with half your organs missing and a craving for flesh that must be satisfied."

While Cole was off the mark for a live person, his play was resplendent for the recently deceased as he was moderately mobile and didn't attack anyone physically while attempting to go for the jugular with his teeth. This lead other LA fans to question his commitment to the Galaxy on a long term level.

"I mean, how long can they keep trotting him out there," stated Steven Newman of Modesto. "The flies are gathering and there is just this weird smell. At first I thought it was Gerrard, but now I'm not so convinced. If we are going to keep signing and playing the living dead than the least they can do is consume the essence of their enemies. I won't complain about playing up a man or two for the rest of the game. Cole just needs to do what he was signed to do and that is just stay upright, not actually rot in front of my eyes, and feast upon the entrails of Bobby Bosworth."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people try to figure out if Cole is Mostly Alive.... or Mostly Dead.

Azerbaijan Children #Dress4MLS With MLS Champion Columbus Crew T-Shirts

Baku, Azerbaijan - Children in the Fountains Square area of Baku posted their #Dress4MLS selfies as they proudly represented their 2015 MLS Champion Columbus crew with T-shirts graciously donated by Major League Soccer.

Like this one, but it says 2015.

"The Columbus Crew are number one in our heart and in the league," stated Crew fan Teimour Gashimov. "It was fantastic to receive these t-shirts that show the great win of the Columbus Crew over the Portland Timbers."

Azerbaijan may be a new hotspot for Crew fans but the distance between Columbus and Baku doesn't deter the passion of the new Crew fans from enjoying the moment they can show their fanhood.

"We are here for the crew" stated Chess arbiter and Columbus Crew fan Faiq Hasanov. "We don't lack in support and are very happy to show that Azerbaijan is united behind the Crew as they go into the 2016 as champions of Major League Soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we speak with the five times MLS Champion New England Revolution Ultras of Tbilisi in the Democratic Republic of Georgia.

"This Is The Year I Enjoy Fantasy Soccer," Claims Delusional Fan

Oklahoma City, OK - Delusional Oklahoma Energy fan Coleen Warner claimed that, "THIS is the year I enjoy Major League Soccer fantasy," before logging in to create her 2016 team.

Let's be honest, this would be a LOT more fun.

"Granted I didn't stick with the game in 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, and 2011, but that was different. THIS year I'm going to stay committed beyond week three to finishing out the league and actually enjoy myself," claimed Warner before her friends started subtly laughing at her. 

While Ms. Warner has continually created a team only to forget half way through the season that they even existed, she is adamant that this is the season of change.

"It's going to happen. I'm enjoying it all. I'm actually studying players and trends that successful fantasy players use to achieve success in their leagues. I'm actually going to remember to log into my team each week to adjust my team based on injuries and I'm planning on continuing even if my team loses massively in week 2," stated Ms. Warner to The Nutmeg News

Friends of Ms Warner claimed that this is all hollow talk that she uses every year to talk herself into playing a game that is just fundamentally not that much fun.

The Nutmeg News spoke to friend Laura Ingrahm about Ms Warner and she had the following to say, "Once the Energy season kicks off she will forget all about this. Nobody cares about the points that Kekuta Manneh gets you in week 6 when you forgot to log in for the past 4 weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Warner continues to believe that this is the season for fantasy fun.

Wave Of Terror By Vancouver Whitecaps Fans Brings Security Restrictions

Vancouver, BC - A wave of terror brought into BC Place by Vancouver Whitecaps fans has required the front office of the Major League Soccer (MLS) team to crack down on the Vancouver supporters.

IT IS PURE PANDEMONIUM AND ANARCHY, MEN SACRIFICING BABIES WITH NAIL FILES AND CHILDREN WORSHIPING GANESHA THE DESTROYER! ALL MUST BOW TO THE GOD OF SECURITY!

"We found that three Whitecaps fans brought in unsanctioned granola bars last season and this madness MUST STOP," said Vancouver Whitecaps director of security John Thomas. "We must, as well, prevent people from bringing in unsanctioned baby formula and heaven forbid they bring in cheerios for their children. This will lead to total anarchy. TOTAL. ANARCHY."

According to the Whitecaps front office, the only way to stop the violent scourge of granola bars and baby formula is to start patting down each and every one of the fans that enters BC Place to ensure that nobody has a good time at a Whitecaps game.

"We will intentionally make sure that we are completely understaffed," stated Whitecaps president Bob Lenarduzzi. "In this way we can ensure that no one will make it to the game on time fulfilling our prophecy of the supporters not showing up and justifying our usage of the mobile Red Bull DJ booth between the supporters groups."

While these machinations may seem overworked, Mr Thomas of Whitecaps security stated that it was better to be safe than sorry. 

"We must subject our fans to a violation of the personal space each and every game to stop the scourge of outside food and drink making it into the stadium. We must do so to stop all the massive fun that people are having in the stands. This is not a place to enjoy yourself, this is a place to allow a 19 year old barely trained security guard from Burnaby to feel up your wife while another rifles through your personal belongings in order to find illicit candy bars and any tubes of lipstick that look like smoke grenades.  WE WILL HAVE ORDER, HERE. WE MUST STOP THE VIOLENCE AT THESE GAMES THAT NEVER HAPPENS."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Whitecaps front office realizes how stupid this whole thing is to pursue.

Nation's Referees Announce Another Year Of Terrible Calls

NEW YORK - The nation's referees have announced, on Thursday, another year of terrible calls and poorly managed games that lead to ejections and injuries.

Remember that time that Dave Gantar showed a red card to Damien Perquis despite Justin Morrow actually being the player that he was trying to send off?

"We gather here to say ONE MORE YEAR of ineffectual game management and yellow cards against your favorite players that lead to an expletive fueled rant from that guy behind you that can't seem to shut up about the referees," stated Professional Referee Organization (PRO) general manager Peter Walton.  

"Our boys will guarantee that at least 10 times this season you will have an inexplicable call that will remain unexplained and directly impact the game that you are watching."

While this announcement from the Professional Referee Organization comes as expected, the staff at PRO also announced some new features for the 2016 season.

"Those who complain the most vociferously about certain referees will get a 4 week tag team of Baldomero Toledo and Dave Gantar back to back until they stop complaining. Should abusive chants be levied at the referees we will dock points from the teams responsible for the supporters groups doing the chanting. In this way we feel like we can really generate legitimate antipathy towards the men and women in yellow."

Despite this new turn of events PRO appears to remain upbeat for the 2016 season stating, "We are already working on new technology allowing us to identify and then subsequently ignore your player being fouled by that guy you hate on the opposing team. We also will be booking players randomly for shoulder shrugs and at least 3 times this season we will incorrectly call a goal back for a foul that does not exist. This we promise to you the consumer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as PRO referees work out a plan to cover for Mark Geiger's precipitous decline.

Bantz Forecasters Predict Record Highs As MLS Season Returns

NEW YORK - Bantz forecasters from Deloitte and Touche have predicted record highs as the Major League Soccer season returns.

SEE.... A GRAPH AND EVERYTHING

"We predict a record increase in the amount and frequency of Bantz," stated Jeremy Winston Thorngood, vice president of Bantz analytics. "We are already seeing an increase in overall shit talking with middle of the road points degrading against mud slinging. Right now is a great time to get into Bantz as we haven't seen the peak yet of the rise."

With the increase in Bantz overall, many Major League Soccer fans are starting to get into the mix.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Real Salt Lake supporter Charlene Raggs about diversifying into Bantz futures and she had the following to say. 

"The only thing worse than Mastroeni as a coach is the city of Denver. What a shithole. Denver is so bad that RSL fans don't even want a rivalry with them. We'd much rather beat Los Angeles."

While those strong words by Ms. Raggs show an increase in Bantz, the analysts are convinced that this is only the beginning of a strong Bantz bubble that will eventually explode sometime in December of 2016.

"Get in now, get in hard, and make sure that you tell your rival fans how big a douchebag they are," stated Mr. Thorngood. "We must make up the Bantz gap from the early pre-season. Analysts are encouraged by rivalry bonds, but only Bantz will prop up the market."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this, just like your mother had more of us on Tuesday night.

Supporters Group Member Stays Involved Long Enough To Become The Establishment

WASHINGTON - James Washburn, D.C. United fan and secretary of the Screaming Eagles,  admitted that somehow he has stayed around long enough in his supporters group to become reviled as the establishment by fans at his own club.

You can either ride the wave and become the thing you hated or you can split off and start your own supporters group and then split that one off and then split that one off into infinity.

"I don't know when it happened, but somehow I went from being the punk rock guy that knew people in the hardcore scene and got them into soccer to being the guy who was essentially 'the man'," stated Washburn to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

"When we started this whole thing 20 years ago we were all so young, but now kids are attending matches that were born after I already had kids. Now they look at me like I'm the old fogey that is getting in the way of enjoying their matches and for all I know.... they are right."

While Washburn is starting to come to terms with his own mortality and the difficulty of spearheading a group of fans in the right direction without turning into the thing everyone under the age of 30 hates, he also is struggling with the idea of how to file taxes on his second property that he hopes to retire to when his retirement comes in 20 years.

"I guess it comes with the territory, but some people now hate me almost more than they care about the team," stated Washburn. "All I ever did was try to serve like I wanted other people to serve, but to be fair... I've become the establishment now. I don't think it's humanly possible to not become the establishment when you have been around longer than some people knew the team existed. Also, I'm nearly a baby-boomer to these young millennials. They don't care about the 80's and 90's and they never knew a time when soccer wasn't a thing you did. They all know about Juventus, Galatasary, Besiktas, Partizan, flares, ultras, tifo, choreo and everything that it took underground zines, a  friend from Poland that was into that stuff who recently moved to your town and a scrambled feed of Setanta Sports to get into 20 or 30 years ago.  It's impossible to be at the head of something for 20 years and not have people resent you for your experiences."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Washburn attempts to figure out how to gracefully leave the organization without sounding condescending to all the 20 year old kids born in 1996 who want to take his place.

Major League Soccer Pundits Blame Schedule For Losses

NEW YORK - After two of the four Major League Soccer (MLS) teams were knocked out of the CONCACAF Champions league on Tuesday night, the league pundits decided to blame the schedule instead of looking inward at the multitude of insane player acquisition rules that stifle the growth, depth and development of their teams.

It's Happening Again, GUYS! -- / AFP / VICTOR STRAFFONVICTOR STRAFFON/AFP/Getty Images

"We gotta change the schedule" stated MLS pundit Josh Leclair. "Nevermind the fact that nearly position by position, Santos are a better club in terms of players on the field, we need to drastically change the schedule! It's the schedule that is the problem."

While many people were clearly able to see that the real problem was an issue in total talent on the field combined with Major League Soccer clubs having an inability to keep good players on their team year after year combined with the staggered start to both leagues, most league pundits decided that criticizing the single entity and draconian player acquisition rules was probably hazardous to their employment.

"We still gotta work on that damn schedule," stated Isaac Browning. "LA came in while still in pre-season. I'm pretty sure they still count this game as pre-season. This had less to do with Santos being able to construct a better team than Los Angeles and more due to the fact that the league has already been playing there for the better part of"  ** Mr. Browning turned and asked someone else how long Liga MX had already been playing this season ** "three months! IF Major League Soccer had three months of playing time we wouldn't lose by four goals on the road. It might be three goals, but it sure as hell wouldn't be four."

With an average squad age of 25.5 and the wealth of their team spread throughout their squad Santos Laguna ably defeated the older and more top-heavy LA Galaxy while advancing in the competition showing that while Robbie Keane can run his mouth, his team can't back up the talk.

Who ever runs this twitter account was a complete asshole to their fans as their team lost 4-0 after capitulating like a wet tissue.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as nothing ever really changes with regards to player acquisition in Major League Soccer except an expansion on the rules that make it even more clandestine and bizarre how players are acquired.

Kirkland Signature Flares Has Man Rethinking Pyro

NEW YORK - Jason Lorenthal was planning on bringing flares to a Red Bull New York game until his discovery that the retailing giant Costco was now selling flares under their Kirkland Signature brand.

You'll never run out!

Lorenthal has long pined for the passion and pyro exhibited in the stands in Turkey and Italy where flares are more accepted in the stadium than they are in the United States. However, Mr Lorenthal has definitely changed his mind after Costco got involved.

"There is literally nothing Ultra about Costco. Nothing. If Costco is selling Kirkland Signature Flares, then using flares for soccer is dead in the United States," stated Lorenthal to his wife on Tuesday. "I mean, I just don't even know what to do anymore. Next thing you know they are going to be selling Kirkland brand Balaclavas."

While Lorenthal is now turned off from using Flares, Costco is very excited about their expansion into the supporters culture market.

"We think that our ability to sell flares in bulk will really improve our bottom line and add to the branding that Major League Soccer wants," stated Costco CEO W. Craig Jelinek.

"This influx of pyro into the stadiums will allow Major League Soccer to show commercials and advertisements featuring these passionate individuals while also cracking down on them with egregious punishments. In this way they can have their cake and punish it too. Both the punishment and the flares themselves will attract attention to the league proving that there is no such thing as bad publicity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Walmart begins selling Equate Brand Smoke and Flares with easy tip suppository.