Vancouver, BC - A wave of terror brought into BC Place by Vancouver Whitecaps fans has required the front office of the Major League Soccer (MLS) team to crack down on the Vancouver supporters.
"We found that three Whitecaps fans brought in unsanctioned granola bars last season and this madness MUST STOP," said Vancouver Whitecaps director of security John Thomas. "We must, as well, prevent people from bringing in unsanctioned baby formula and heaven forbid they bring in cheerios for their children. This will lead to total anarchy. TOTAL. ANARCHY."
According to the Whitecaps front office, the only way to stop the violent scourge of granola bars and baby formula is to start patting down each and every one of the fans that enters BC Place to ensure that nobody has a good time at a Whitecaps game.
"We will intentionally make sure that we are completely understaffed," stated Whitecaps president Bob Lenarduzzi. "In this way we can ensure that no one will make it to the game on time fulfilling our prophecy of the supporters not showing up and justifying our usage of the mobile Red Bull DJ booth between the supporters groups."
While these machinations may seem overworked, Mr Thomas of Whitecaps security stated that it was better to be safe than sorry.
"We must subject our fans to a violation of the personal space each and every game to stop the scourge of outside food and drink making it into the stadium. We must do so to stop all the massive fun that people are having in the stands. This is not a place to enjoy yourself, this is a place to allow a 19 year old barely trained security guard from Burnaby to feel up your wife while another rifles through your personal belongings in order to find illicit candy bars and any tubes of lipstick that look like smoke grenades. WE WILL HAVE ORDER, HERE. WE MUST STOP THE VIOLENCE AT THESE GAMES THAT NEVER HAPPENS."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the Whitecaps front office realizes how stupid this whole thing is to pursue.