Kirkland Signature Flares Has Man Rethinking Pyro

NEW YORK - Jason Lorenthal was planning on bringing flares to a Red Bull New York game until his discovery that the retailing giant Costco was now selling flares under their Kirkland Signature brand.

 You'll never run out!

You'll never run out!

Lorenthal has long pined for the passion and pyro exhibited in the stands in Turkey and Italy where flares are more accepted in the stadium than they are in the United States. However, Mr Lorenthal has definitely changed his mind after Costco got involved.

"There is literally nothing Ultra about Costco. Nothing. If Costco is selling Kirkland Signature Flares, then using flares for soccer is dead in the United States," stated Lorenthal to his wife on Tuesday. "I mean, I just don't even know what to do anymore. Next thing you know they are going to be selling Kirkland brand Balaclavas."

While Lorenthal is now turned off from using Flares, Costco is very excited about their expansion into the supporters culture market.

"We think that our ability to sell flares in bulk will really improve our bottom line and add to the branding that Major League Soccer wants," stated Costco CEO W. Craig Jelinek.

"This influx of pyro into the stadiums will allow Major League Soccer to show commercials and advertisements featuring these passionate individuals while also cracking down on them with egregious punishments. In this way they can have their cake and punish it too. Both the punishment and the flares themselves will attract attention to the league proving that there is no such thing as bad publicity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Walmart begins selling Equate Brand Smoke and Flares with easy tip suppository.