NEW YORK - The nation's referees have announced, on Thursday, another year of terrible calls and poorly managed games that lead to ejections and injuries.
"We gather here to say ONE MORE YEAR of ineffectual game management and yellow cards against your favorite players that lead to an expletive fueled rant from that guy behind you that can't seem to shut up about the referees," stated Professional Referee Organization (PRO) general manager Peter Walton.
"Our boys will guarantee that at least 10 times this season you will have an inexplicable call that will remain unexplained and directly impact the game that you are watching."
While this announcement from the Professional Referee Organization comes as expected, the staff at PRO also announced some new features for the 2016 season.
"Those who complain the most vociferously about certain referees will get a 4 week tag team of Baldomero Toledo and Dave Gantar back to back until they stop complaining. Should abusive chants be levied at the referees we will dock points from the teams responsible for the supporters groups doing the chanting. In this way we feel like we can really generate legitimate antipathy towards the men and women in yellow."
Despite this new turn of events PRO appears to remain upbeat for the 2016 season stating, "We are already working on new technology allowing us to identify and then subsequently ignore your player being fouled by that guy you hate on the opposing team. We also will be booking players randomly for shoulder shrugs and at least 3 times this season we will incorrectly call a goal back for a foul that does not exist. This we promise to you the consumer."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as PRO referees work out a plan to cover for Mark Geiger's precipitous decline.