Successful MLS Gambler Only $345,233 In Debt

Las Vegas, NV - Successful Major League Soccer gambler Sonny 'Albini' Jurgenson admitted to The Nutmeg News that he is only $345,233 in debt after another tumultuous half-season of betting on Major League Soccer games.

"I'm going back to the ponies, at least they are fixed enough to make sense."

"I don't even know how anyone makes money on this," stated Jurgenson to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "Hell is paved with the gamblers souls that will break by trying to bet on this league."

Reportedly, Jurgenson stuck to his ethos of avoiding prop bets and trying to find favorable odds while finding underdogs that would cover but his gambling ideal was burned repeatedly by draws and variations in team play.

"One week a team would be good, the next they would be shit. I'd bet against Chicago and then they win last night. That was Kansas City on the road at a place they don't lose against a side that has been terrible all year long. What the hell is wrong with this league?"

While Jurgenson admitted that he started to think about leaving the ranks of professional gamblers trying to make money on Major League Soccer, he still holds out hope that he can make back his money by hedging heavily on draws for the rest of the year.

"Fuck winners, I'm just betting draws. The whole rest of the year, draws. Draws and the home team. I'm getting out after 2016. I can't take these losses!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgenson disappears while attempting to talk his connection into allowing him to roll his losses over another week.

Soccer Fans Continue To Talk To Journalists

Despite being screwed repeatedly by desperate writers hell bent on creating their own narrative, soccer fans across the United States and Canada continued to talk openly to idiot journalists.

"I'm interviewing people about a story on.... um ..... puppies and soccer, so if you have any dirt I can use on your friends that happened at a game, please let me know"

The Nutmeg News spoke to some guy that we think was called Racist McJerk in Seattle about this and he had the following (which was lazily transcribed and heavily edited by our interns to fit the theme of this piece) to say, "All soccer fans in the United States are racist and speak in British accents. We all voted for Brexit, we eat Weetabix, and we all listen to Oi! music while flying a Union Jack flag and sending money to the EDL. It's completely logical that we talk to journalists all the time."

The Nutmeg News will not issue an apology for any mistakes with regards to interview transcribing.

Reportedly, Columbus fans were even worse as our reporter heard from friends that heard from someone else on Twitter that Columbus fans were still actively talking to journalists just waiting to twist their words to fit a story agenda.

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer writer Bert Tamrand about his piece, Blood in the Stands: The horrific rise of the North American Ultra.

"I spoke to a number of different Columbus Crew fans and managed to coddle and caress their quotes into a story that is essentially a hit piece about burgeoning soccer hooliganism. I'm planning on utilizing the fight had between Crew supporters and West Ham supporters 8 years ago to further my agenda. To make it difficult for anyone to refute, I've included factual statements about toxic hyper masculinity and fans wanting to emulate eastern European hooligans while including a nice long story about racist and far-right politics in Croatian football firms. This way, there are factual things that would work in a well handled and researched book that will make it nearly impossible for anyone to fully dismiss the book that I'm writing."

Tamrand also claimed that he spoke with LA Galaxy fans, Sporting Kansas City Fans and Red Bull New York fans while obtaining quotes from group leaders that he plans on utilizing by either twisting their meaning or placing them in an entirely different context than the words were utilized in the the first place.

"I'm also just planning on cutting a lot of things. If it doesn't fit the story, then it doesn't fit my book. I need sensational and over the top items to fit my book, otherwise it isn't going to sell," stated Mr Tamrand.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as supporters groups continue to trust random journalists with agendas.

TNN Trend And Style Watch: HAO?! HAO!!! HAO!?! HAO!?!?!

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the items trending in Women's soccer in the United States for July 2016.

With the United States Women's Soccer roster being released today, thousands of angry people online tweeted out HAO, while typically following up the statement with some kind of belligerent profanity. HAO, of course, stands for Heather O'Reilly, for those of you too old to stay hip with the current US Soccer Fanatic Lingo. And Oh My GOODNESS, people are mad.

HAO?! HAO ! HAO! HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

"HOW IS HAO NOT INCLUDED," stated Danica Jones of Rutherford, NJ. "OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO DIE."

This example shows that HAO is currently completely on trend to complain about. Make certain that you include over exaggerated statements that indicate you really haven't watched any soccer, NWSL or friendly matches since the first two games of the Victory Tour after the Women's World Cup.

Following the above bellicose statement we have a different kind of verbosity from Twitter that shows a way to complain about Hao that doesn't just complain about the player, but also about the coach.

"HOW IS HAO NOT INCLUDED," stated twitter account @HAOSTALKER2016. "I WANT HAO, NO ONE ELSE IS GOOD. JILL ELLIS IS HORRIBLE."

This method of tweeting allows you to be on trend complaining about the HAO oversight as well as slamming current Women's World Cup Winning coach Jill Ellis. These are just some of the methods that YOU can use to stay on trend today in Women's Soccer. 

I'm Stephen Harrow for The Nutmeg News and have fun out there!

NOW WHERE IS HAO. WE WANT HAO. HAO HAO HAO AHOAHOAAHOAHOAAHOAHAOAHOAHOA

HOA!

HAO!

Chicago Fire Set Sights On New Record After Reaching Ownership Goal

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire and owner Adrew Hauptman announced that they set sights on a new record after the team finally reached their goal of two years without a road win.

2016 - 2015 - 2014 record for the Chicago Fire

The Chicago Fire away record over three seasons is 2 wins - 26 losses - 14 draws. The Fire dropped a total of 106 out of 126 available points on the road in 3 years.......... AND COUNTING!

"It's quite a record for us to achieve, but we are always hungry," stated Hauptman to a mirror where he frequently conducts fake press conferences about the team he owns. "We set out in 2014 to ensure that we would make it to 2016 without an away win, and by god we can do one more. The last road win we had was against the New England Revolution on July 12, 2014. We can go 3 or even 4 years without an away win! We can really do it!"

Reportedly, insiders for the Fire say that the ownership and management of the Chicago Fire want to see if they can go 2 years without a win at home stating, "not being able to win on the road isn't even a challenge anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire try to finish under a point per game for the second season in a row. 

Major League Soccer Announces Digimon Partnership

NEW YORK - In an effort to capture a slice of the burgeoning interactive game market, Major League Soccer today announced a new MLS Digimon Stay app that will allow you to search for Digimon in the general area around your couch if you will just watch MLS on your television and increase the television ratings.

So much fun that you will wonder why you ever tuned into soccer in the first place!

"We are excited for MLS Digimon Stay," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "It represents a new way for us to bribe fans to watch Major League Soccer games at home and increase our television ratings. We even have branded Digimon in the game as you can attempt to catch a wild Wondolowskimon that will continuously sit on your couch or sofa as long as you watch Earthquakes games through a Nielsen box."

Reportedly, fans greeted the decision with mixed emotions, but some fans were excited to have a reason to stay indoors even if it meant watching Major League Soccer games that they didn't care about in the first place.

"Honestly, I'll tune out of the games anyway," stated Walter Pulison to The Nutmeg News. "Plus, I don't have a Nielsen box, so it doesn't matter if I leave it running in the background so I can catch a Charizard.... Wait.... Digimon.... DIGIMON?! Oh hell no."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL reaches out to Tamagotchi for a product tie in.

NWSL Announce New Nike Branded "Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend"

NEW YORK - The Commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), Jeff Plush, announced on Monday morning that the NWSL would have a new Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend in an attempt to bolster crowds for the league with attendance down as many of the international stars are gone on international duty for the upcoming Olympic tournament.

"I got Alyssa Naeher!"

"We know what our fans want to see and it's a whole weekend of our player getting hosed down by continuously running sprinklers while they run about on the field trying to play soccer," stated Plush to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

"We are working with Nike who is creating a new fabric that really accentuates the female body while being completely transparent when touched by water, with the exception of swoosh branding that will show up on the back when the jersey is see-through. Now we can really say that we have nearly naked amateurs on the main field!"

According to some league insiders this "Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend" idea was the genesis for the small field that was utilized for the recent Western New York Flash v Seattle Reign game as the NWSL management committee realized that what fans needed was a smaller field to allow them to gawk openly at the players as they ran by in nearly nude conditions.

"We are giving back to our fans by giving those fans who pay for field seats our NWSL branded Super Soakers for them to utilize on our players. It's going to be great, sexy and fun for the whole family," stated the NWSL press release.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is actually considered by the NWSL.

Investigative Report Shows That NWSL Is NOT Run By Moronic, Imbecilic And Infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat

A lengthy two day investigation into the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) by The Nutmeg News shows that the fledgling league is, in fact, NOT run by a moronic, imbecilic and infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat. The NWSL is, instead, run by a group of moronic, imbecilic, and infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Humans.

LEFT: Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat 

RIGHT: Jeff Plush, Commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League

Much of The Nutmeg News early investigation into who runs the NWSL centered around what kind of idiotic, lazy, addlepated imbecile would actually approve a field like the one that the Western New York Flash and Seattle Reign played upon during their recent July 9th game in New York.

You'd have to be the kind of rare dickhead who just stopped caring years ago in order to approve this travesty.

"What we found," stated senior Nutmeg News correspondent Geoffrey Brandice, "was that this field situation was only the tip of the iceberg. Really, the field just represents the feckless way that these women are treated on a regular basis. The Nutmeg News can also confirm that the league is also employing women from all walks of life as amateur players for emergency depth call-ups because they claimed they couldn't pay the players. These 'unpaid amateurs' include players that were formerly professional players who retired because they weren't making a living but came back for one or two games. The NWSL are also paying some women a wage of $7500 for a seasons worth of work which enforces many women to carry multiple jobs. TNN also found out that the NWSL engaged in placing women in nursing/hospice home for the elderly as housing. This is a league that clearly is run by half-illiterate jackasses with really no care as to the quality of the game or the care of its players."

While a bold statement has been given by Mr Brandice and the investigative section of The Nutmeg News, we were unable to get the NWSL leadership, nor the Western New York Flash ownership to confirm that they were drunk, stoned, or just stupid when they approved the field for the recent game.

The only quote that The Nutmeg News was able to receive from the National Women's Soccer League was the following by the Commissioner of the NWSL, "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. And that quote comes to us from Rear Admiral Grace Hopper. Who is a Woman! Which means that what we did this weekend is totally fine. NOT SEXIST, GUYS! PLUSHY OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL try to figure out more new and inventive ways to screw the players and the fans.

Doctor Increases Dosage Of Prescribed Soccer To Massively Depressed Man

Denver, CO - Larry Contor told friends and family that his local physician, Dr. Stephen Wannamaker, increased the dosage of prescribed soccer in an effort to snap him out of his general feeling of shit that pervades his life.

"You should be watching 20% more Liga MX and 50% more USL games, then call me in the morning of the 17th. Please don't tell me the score of the Querétaro - Veracruz game, because I want to watch that on delay, later."

"Mr Contor told me that his various social media feeds on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit and even Instagram are a non-stop carnival of death, killing, hate, people fighting against hate and people telling other people why they are wrong," stated Dr. Wannamaker.

"I advised him to ignore those people, and increase his dosage of soccer to include Liga MX, NPSL, USL, Premier League Rumors, MLS, NWSL, the Olympics and any current team playing anywhere at any time on YouTube live. Hopefully these soccer distractions will allow him some kind of momentary feeling of peace before he logs back on to Facebook to see videos of people being shot by police, other people shooting at police, refugees dying, people using bombs everywhere, horrific abuse, staggering corruption, complete incompetence, and friends professing horrifying ideologies."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Contor as he parked himself in front of a television to watch the Germany v France game yesterday afternoon.

"This is the only way I'm getting through this, right now. I'm just going to try to enjoy a blissful moment when I can, where I can, and the only thing that is helping me is soccer. Everything else in this social construct we call existence has seemingly fallen apart, but I'll continue to try soccer as a method of coping, even though it really isn't working. I might as well try to find something good in this world, even if that good thing is a just a skillful back-heel by Antoine Griezmann."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a depressed Mr. Contor tries to find a glimmer of hope by sitting in a darkened room eating ice cream with his phone turned off and a USL game streaming via YouTube.

"Welcome," Statement Tweeted To Lloyd Sam Not Entirely Sincere

WASHINGTON - A "Welcome" message to Lloyd Sam posted by Twitter user and DC United Fan @HamidOnRye seemed to not be entirely sincere as the DC fan attempted to get over Sam's past as a Red Bull New York player.

THINGS HAVE GONE CRAZY, AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!

"This is all kinds of bullshit," tweeted the DC Fan as other United fans attempted to utilize the myriad of transfers between the two teams in an effort to dampen his anger at the process. "If I wanted to see Red Bull players, I'd drive out to New Jersey to watch them play."

While @HamidOnRye tweeted, "Welcome," he later stated, "HE IS NOT WELCOME. HE CAN GO BACK TO JERSEY!" and then closed his twitter account for the rest of the day as he was inundated with conflicting messages from his friends.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @HamidOnRye debates buying a Lloyd Sam kit in 2017.

Completely Subjective Mid-Season Player Ranking Column Is, "Total Crap," Claims Keyboard Warrior

Garland, TX - The completely subjective and utterly meaningless mid-season player ranking list on the official Major League Soccer website is, "TOTAL CRAP," according to Davis Hill, a famed internet keyboard warrior of Garland, Texas.

Sacha Kljestan? REALLY? SACHA KLJESTAN?!

"They didn't include Raul Fernandez? This list is crap! It's almost like someone who watches the league put together a list of what he thinks rather than the end-all, be-all list of important players that are ranked appropriately, correctly, legally and by verifiable metrics," ranted Mr. Garland in the comments section online. "What a bunch of crap. I refuse to take this subjective list curated by one person as the gospel. Please check out MY website for an accurate take on the situation."

Reportedly, Mr. Hill has often disagreed with the pundits on the official Major League Soccer website as he ferociously attacks them in Facebook posts that loudly decry their power ranking columns.

"There is no WAY that New England should be this high in the rankings! WHAT A BUNCH OF MORONS!" stated Mr. Hill's most recent post that emphatically delivered a shock wave throughout North American soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on as this as Mr. Hill's outraged diatribe continues to fill the comment section of ranking articles everywhere.

Fan Wearing Sergio Tacchini Is Disappointed To Emerge From Game Without Fight

NEW YORK - NYCFC fan Wesley Burrows admitted that he was disappointed to emerge from the recent game against the New England Revolution on Wednesday evening without getting in a fight after donning his purchased on e-bay, vintage Sergio Tacchini clobber and his Adidas trainers for the game.

OI! I'm here to rumble with you fellas, and/or talk about New Order. Do you like New Order? Is it 1982?

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Burrows in his spacious 200 sq foot studio walk up in the West Village about this grievous issue.

"I like fashion, I like football, and I went to the game last night in Foxborough expecting their casuals to recognize my obscure, vintage, 1980's casual gear that the English appropriated during their days in Europe to wear as a sign of tribal belonging that also allowed them to participate in hooligan activities without getting nicked by the police. Sadly, what I found was people wearing tri-corner hats, scarves, team kits, front office t-shirts and families, FAMILIES in the stands watching the game.

I just couldn't believe that no one wanted to fight me for wearing Sergio Tacchini and walking all over their concourses. I made it MINE."

Mr. Burrows admitted that the only kind of altercation that was had at the game was a 15 year old kid who looked up while texting and told his friend, "Hey, look at this old nerd."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Burrows plans a walk through Williamsburg to make himself feel better about being on the cutting edge of fashion.

In Depth Explanation Of League Structure Delayed By Start Of Second Half

Carson, CA - An in depth explanation of the league structure by Galaxy fan John Stevens to German tourist Heinrich Müller at the recent Galaxy v Whitecaps game was delayed by the start of the second half as Stevens was carefully attempting to explain single entity, the salary cap, allocation money, the players union, the designated player, targeted allocation money, international roster rules, expansion rules, and the franchise system.

SOURCE: http://www.sounderatheart.com/2014/1/14/5310510/player-acquisition-101 

"I didn't even make it in my speech to the point where I could explain how the discovery rights on international players works with single entity alongside the designated player rules while also being malleable for future events," stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. "I'm not certain that he is going to understand the whole concept of the league as we currently understand it as we now interpret the rules that we currently know which may, right now, be incorrect."

TNN reporters caught up with Mr. Müller regarding the long winded diatribe and he had the following to say, "I don't understand any of it. My question was an innocent question. Your rules are only fascinating in the way that a car crash is fascinating."

Reportedly, Mr Stevens attempted to keep up the explanation during the game only to be waived off by an emphatic Mr. Müller who just wanted to watch the game and not hear another 15 minutes on the possible death of the superdraft, college eligibility and what that means to the United States amateur soccer scene.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Müller attempts to avoid explaining all of this, later, to his friend Dieter.

Continuously Rolling David Villa Shuts Down New York City Traffic

NEW YORK - Sanitation engineers in Manhattan were called out to sweep up an endlessly rolling David Villa as the NYCFC player continued his path down Jerome Avenue, across the bridge and into Harlem blocking traffic for miles on end throughout the city.

"When the hell is he going to stop rolling?" stated crew leader Stanley Richards of Redhook, Brooklyn. "We tried to wait him out, but it seems as though the wind just keeps blowing him over and over and over again through intersections, in front of cars and in front of bus lines."

Reportedly, the Spanish forward was set off after a tackle by Felipe Martins and just continued to roll out of the stadium, onto Jerome Ave, across the bridge and into Harlem where he continues his path into Manhattan and eventually to Newark.

"We are under strict orders to use non-lethal methods of picking up him, unless he reaches Wall Street at which point we have been given an entirely different set of orders, " stated Richards. "I'm just hoping for an autograph because it isn't often that a player of Villa's caliber comes rolling through here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hurricane Villa comes to an end.

Woman With Carefully Preserved Lock Of Ali Krieger's Hair Is Certain That Athlete's Article Is Not About Her

Lincoln, NE - While gazing at a carefully preserved lock of Ali Krieger's hair partially encased in protective amber with a small end sticking out that she uses to stroke her face in a ritualistic manner, women's soccer fan and passionate individual Wanda Gregor stated that she empathizes with Ali Krieger regarding her recently posted harassment story.

"She's not talking to me, the passionate fan," stated Ms. Gregor to The Nutmeg News through a cut out of Krieger's face from her Sports Illustrated cover. "She is talking to the obsessed individuals that won't leave her alone. I'm just a passionate fan."

Reportedly, Ms. Gregor stated that Krieger couldn't possibly have a problem with her fan fiction stories that she frequently posts on her Tumblr blog about Krieger's personal life, nor her collection of vintage and used Krieger equipment that she steals from locker rooms around the United States.

"I'm just passionate. I'm just a fan. I'm a fanatic, the root of which is fan. I wouldn't hurt her," stated Ms. Gregor as she typed a fan fiction story about Krieger's sexual awakening on a Paris Saint-Germain women's team. "I create twitter accounts to protect her, to talk about her, to generate interest in her. I'm definitely not a stalker, those are the other people out there. Me? I'm just a USWNT fan and a Smashley addict. It's all about Krieger, for me. Everyone else is a pretender. Me? I'm a Krieger-fanatic and that's normal. It's utterly normal for a 27 year old woman working in a grocery store to be utterly and completely obsessed with a stranger that she knows absolutely nothing about. Absolutely normal. ABSOLUTELY. NORMAL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we file a police report on Ms. Gregor.

"It Took 22 Men To Lose This Game For Everyone," States Pablo Mastroeni

Commerce City, CO - Head coach of the Colorado Rapids, Pablo Mastroeni, took to his post game talk to congratulate both the Colorado Rapids and the Portland Timbers on their ability to not score in front of a near capacity crowd during the game before the Colorado Rapids Fourth of July fireworks display.

The only fireworks that the fans will remember

Photo: Daniel Petty, The Denver Post

"It took 22 men to lose this game for everyone and I want to congratulate you all on being able to hold your head up high tonight. Everyone that came out to watch us is now going home talking about the fireworks after the game and the defensive soccer game that they watched finish 0-0. We all achieved something monumental in the Denver by not scoring and I want to congratulate both the Rapids and the Timbers for our collective lack of ability at breaking down the defense."

Reportedly, fans were nonplussed as The Nutmeg News spoke with Manny Caliston from Littleton, Colorado who stated, "we came here for the fireworks, I always knew this game was going to finish 0-0. Isn't that how every soccer game finishes?"

Dawn and Harold Sanderson, from Highlands Ranch, stated, "We brought our two boys here for the fireworks, they were initially excited for the game, but they checked out around the 55th minute. We promised them an ice cream to get them to stay, but they were excited for the post game fireworks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids get another possible sell out next year on July 4th.

Argentine-American Discovers That He Is Actually 1/23rd Welsh

Cincinnati, OH -  Local soccer fan and FC Cincinnati supporter Deryk Williams shocked friends, again, with his reveal that he is actually 1/23rd Argentinian AND 1/23rd Welsh, after Wales clinched a birth in the Euro 2016 semi-finals.

"It's from my Dad's grandfathers second wife."

"I never knew Deryk was Argentinian AND Welsh AND American," stated good friend Sandra Blevens. "I'm starting to think that this constant state of discovering his heritage is less a manifestation of genealogy or research, and more a statement on his shifting alliance to root for teams that are doing well."

This whole thing continued when the Copa America ended and Mr. Williams needed another team to root for while he patiently waits for the next game for FC Cincinnati and the Premier League to kick off in whichever country he celebrates as having the premier league. currently.

"As it turns out, I'm 1/23rd Argentinian AND 1/23rd Welsh, so I'm fulling rooting for Gareth Bale in this one. If they get knocked out I'm jumping onto whoever the hell is left and entertaining with both feet. After all, I think my grandmothers second lover during college was Italian."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams tries to find a flag store in Cincinnati that will sell him a Welsh Flag for their semi-final game against Portugal.

Soccer Fan Admits He Won't Accept American Soccer Supporters

NEW YORK - English soccer aficionado Robert Gates admitted that he won't accept American soccer supporters until they, "toughen up, stop singing, stop chanting, stab a few people, be miserable, and really hate everyone around them."

 (Credit: Rob Tringali/New York Red Bulls)

"This whole thing in the United States is just Americans aping European culture," stated Gates to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Put down your flags, you aren't Italian. Stop singing, you aren't English. Stop with your tifo displays, you aren't ultras. All fans in the United States are terrible. This isn't a melting pot, this is the USA. You don't have your own culture in soccer. Nobody will take the Timbers Army, Emerald City Supporters, the Inebriatti, the Cauldron, the South Ward, or The Ruckus seriously until they disband completely, hate their own team, and physically assault fellow fans and rival fans outside a stadium with little provocation. We need less singing, less hospitality and more petulant dickheads that are willing to fight the police, their own team and rival fans with chairs, bats and whatever they find on the ground around them."

Reportedly, Gates himself doesn't attend MLS games because he hates the standard of play, the fans, the league and the players, but he also, surprisingly, keeps telling everyone who DOES attend games what they should or shouldn't be doing like some kind of gigantic asshole.

"All these fans are just terrible, their songs are terrible, their tifo is terrible, and their so-called passion is terrible. No one should root for any soccer team in the United States or Canada because soccer wasn't invented here. You can't replace 150 years of passion just because you started caring in the last 5 years. Everyone who started caring about soccer recently is a massive hipster because real fans spent their time caring about the game back in the 1980s when you couldn't watch any teams on the television, there wasn't a national league, there was no internet and you had to know someone with a satellite dish to even catch highlights"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Gates continues to tell people what they should be doing. 

Major League Soccer Expands Social Media Program To Acknowledge Existence Of Canada

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, updated their Twitter avatar and re-tweeted some Canada Day posts in order to acknowledge the existence of Canada in an effort to reach out to the country it usually forgets the other 364 days of the year.

"We would write something about the Canadian national team but they aren't good and we just don't care."

"With the whole One Nation One Team business, recently, we were pretty much required to make a big deal out of Canada Day this year," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "None of us really know anything about Canada Day or Canada, but when we eventually absorb whatever they have into the United States as a non-voting but taxed district of the United States, we will have more time to learn about whatever it is that they do up there. It's syrup, Rush, Celine Dion and Beiber.... right?"

Fans of Major League Soccer teams in Canada were reportedly shocked to find out that the league was actually tweeting about their country as Toronto FC fan Desmond Budoix stated, "We thought that Major League Soccer was convinced that Toronto was just a suburb of Buffalo. It's pretty unreal. I suppose the fact that we actually get a day's worth of coverage makes up for the frequent orgiastic hyperbole that descends upon Major League Soccer when Michael Bradley steps up to play and get injured internationally."

Abbot and Garber stated, privately, however that they would be pulling the reins on any further Canada celebrations of the league stating, "We are privately still working on incorporating our Canadian cities into the United States so we don't have to worry about any of their pesky taxation or labor laws or international regulations. So don't worry, They desperately want to be part of One Nation, One Team and we are working to make that happen."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people from the United States complain about the frequent Canada Day posts from Major League Soccer