Fan Lashes Out At Stolen Chants, "They Took Dale Cavese From Us"

Despite the song "Dale Cavese" being used by fans of Besiktas, Ajax, Boca Juniors, Swansea, Lokomotiv Moscow, Stevenage FC, Derby County, Western Sydney Wanderers, Hradec Kralove, and (of course) S.S. Cavese 1919 (just a few that can be named among a massive number of clubs worldwide), new San Jose Earthquakes fan Francisco Corta was upset to find that it was used elsewhere in Major League Soccer.

"They stole our song" said Corta to his 48 followers on Twitter. "Bunch of unoriginal thieving bastards."

Having never been educated on the history of the songs that he sings nearly every weekend, Corta was under the impression that this song was an Earthquakes original. "Wait, you are telling me that nearly every single song sung by nearly every single fan group is lifted from some other location? Wouldn't that make all the songs that we hear sung at North American soccer games unoriginal copies from somewhere else reducing the need to have pointless arguments about the originality of group songs in North America? This can't be!"

Corta immediately took to reddit and twitter with this information only to find out that most people didn't care and just wanted to pointlessly argue about the minutia of their seemingly original songs and who did it first.

"Well, I ended up with over a hundred followers from all this drama, so I guess there is a positive lining to everything."

Sanctimonious Twitter Know-It-All Excited For Targeted Allocation Announcement, "This is My Time To Shine!"

Twitter know-it-all, blogger, faux-insider and information regurgitation machine,Stephen Braden, announced that he is absolutely thrilled with today's announcement of the Targeted Allocation rule addition. 

"This is my time to shine!" said Braden to friends. "I don't know really anything about this rule other than what I have been guessing about for the last few months on my twitter account and passing off as real information to my followers" 

Braden admitted that he is going to scour and devour all the information on the new rule addition and then tweet with 100% certainty about how other people are wrong on the details of the rule. He has decided to do this incessantly and relentlessly so that he can be certain that everyone out there knows he is the absolute authority on the new rule change.

"I'm going to make certain that everyone knows that they have to come to me for all the possible ramifications on the Targeted Allocation rule addition. Despite most of the rules in the league being very malleable, it is possible to present yourself as the expert on something that most of the General Managers and owners in the league only learned about a few days ago." 

Hope Solo Beats World, No Charges Pressed

Vancouver, BC - Goalkeeper Hope Solo was found to have beat the world recently instead of her relatives and crowd analysis has shown that the general public is ready to forgive her for nearly everything now.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain quotes from the populace at large the reflect the shift of viewing Solo as a drunken violent offender to a World Champion hero.

"She is a legend and icon to people everywhere" -- Sandra Duquense of Myrtle Beach.

"I can't wait to show my daughter pictures of her winning the world cup and hide all the stories about her arrests and the problems with her piece of shit husband" -- Brad Felton of Green Bay

"This is someone who has persevered and achieved. I can't wait for the redeeming Hope Solo movie." -- Jeremy Koenig of Santa Barbara

"It tells me that no matter how hard you try to hit your sister and nephew, that if you win the World Cup, all is forgiven" -- Theresa Alston of Lakewood

Solo's publicist has said they will continue to move to a redemption and learning story line followed by a heavily publicity tour and a few endorsement deals.

"I'm just telling her to keep her head down, talk about the team and let Abby Wambach take all the grief." said publicist Jimmy Franz. "This is the best way we can monetize her new found respect and bury that time that she and her husband were arrested in the team van when they took it and went drinking and driving."

MLS Announces 30% Paycut Across All Non-DP Player Salaries To Pay For Pirlo And Dos Santos

NEW YORK - Major League Socer (MLS) today announced a 30% paycut across all the non-dp player salaries in an effort to pay Andrea Pirlo and Giovanni Dos Santos.

"These non-dp players are never going to be able to go play anywhere else. They are really one step above concrete bags that we use to stop flooding." said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "We hope that they understand that in order to get quality you must pay for quality and that money has to come from somewhere."

MLS headquarters announced that 30% of the total salary paid to a player will be sliced off their remaining paychecks and any of the players making the MLS minimum will be waived, their salary collected and any 401k savings will be dispersed among the other clubs in order to settle the costs for bringing in Dos Santos and Pirlo. 

"This is an important step in our evolution from utilizing underpaid workers to rise the ranks of leagues, to actually utilizing their financial assets and casting them aside for better players who exceed the cap because they are worth exceeding the cap to get them." said Commissioner Don Garber. "We basically got the idea from an extended movie night of Logan's Run, except here we are just eliminating the low paid players that make up a large swath of our teams. I mean, we love players over 30 as long as they are not from here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our crystals change to red.

LA Galaxy Players Unaware That Their Form Is Being Dictated By Fans Superstitions

LOS ANGELES - The players for the Los Angeles Galaxy are reportedly unaware that their win loss form is directly related to the superstitions of Galaxy fan Eduardo Ramirez.

"wait.... you want WHAT from me for WHAT reason?"

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Ramirez about this strange occurrence, "It was May 22nd, and I put on black socks instead of white socks before heading out to the game against the Dynamo. We won 1-0 and this is when the blessing of the black socks began."

Ramirez then wore the socks again in a victory against Real Salt Lake and a draw against New England before the Galaxy lost to Vancouver. "We lost against Vancouver and I thought the magic ran out. However my friend Josh pointed out that I had also been doing a shot of fireball pre-game before the matches and I didn't do that before the loss to Vancouver."

Ramirez then worked his Fireball and Black Sock charm in a draw against Columbus and wins against Philadelphia and Portland. Suddenly a Galaxy loss to hated rivals San Jose riled up Ramirez world, "Well, I thought we had lost the charm, that wearing black socks and drinking fireball before the match had expired. Those were some dark hours man, but then my friend Hector reminded me that I had also been naming all the goal scorers from the wins at the tailgate before the match and my friend Jason reminded me that I had also been doing a spin while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog" before the matches that we won and that I hadn't done this at all before the San Jose game because I was too nervous."

Rameriz current complicated game day ritual is to put on black socks, switch them out for white socks and then put black socks on before driving to the stadium or bar to perform 2 shots of fireball, recite all the goal scorers from the Galaxy wins, do a twirl while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog", counting backwards from 10, recite a portion of the Emancipation Proclamation, eat 5 hot dogs, and finish by singing the second verse from Juanes "La Camisa Negra" slightly modified for the La Galaxy.

"All I can say is that the Galaxy won against Toronto 4-0" said Ramierz "I just have to keep this streak going to the end of the year and we will see ourselves champion of Major League Soccer again."

Excited Fan Wants To Know When The Women's World Cup Starts

Tallahassee, FL - After four Schmirnoff Ice premium malt beverages, soccer fan David Estrada loudly proclaimed,  on Sunday night, that he was excited for the Women's World Cup to start.

"I'm excited to see the women's world cup kick off and to support the United States" said Estrada at the tail end of a riotous Women's World Cup watch party. "So, when does the tournament kick off?"

A proud American Outlaws member, Estrada spent most of the evening talking about how America would kick everyone's asses while couching all of his vitriol in reference to the wars that the United States has been engaged in for hundreds of years. "We are going to drop the bomb on Japan and really kick Germany's ass just like we have for thousands of years" said Estrada to a shocked group of fans wearing USA jerseys. 

Reportedly Estrada was put in a cab and sent away after making a number of people at the party very uncomfortable but he woke up the next day searching the television channels for the Women's World Cup without finding anything on television.

"Some day, it'll be on television. When it does, I'll be at hooters cheering on the girls."

Players Sweating Their Face Off Are Convinced That Fans Are Half-Assing It In The Stands

With the recent heat rise in the west, more and more Major League Soccer players are convinced that their fans are faking their enthusiasm and not giving 100% for the team.

"It's fine, guys. I'm just working my ass off down here while you pound beers and yell at me to run faster"

"Here i am, running around on the field with reckless abandon, getting stuck in and playing my heart out on the field and there is Joe Lunchbowl drinking carbonated water in the stands. He is not singing, not waiving flags and generally looking like he doesn't give a shit. We respect the badge, we fight for the badge but you just spend the entire first 45 minutes shoveling nachos into your mouth and talking about that dry heat in Phoenix as a way to show how badass you were in freshmen debate team when you had to perform on the road. Fuck off with that weak shit. I'm running on burning grass in the blinding sun trying to stop a 21 year old 1% body fat Ghanaian from scoring, but yes.... chat about your day working at the Diamond Shamrock?" said one anonymous player.

"If they want to just stand there and do nothing they should get sent down to the USL or GTFO out of our league. We are about giving 100% for the badge and 100% for the fans in the stands, but they are just taking advantage of our loyalty and our literal sweat as we work our ass off on the field for those lazy pricks." said another anonymous player.

Things got so bad recently that some of the players coming off the field demanded that the fans return their scarves and clothing as a sign of protest against their decaying institution of support. "This is bullshit. We are the ones running around and they are just harping relentlessly on bringing in water bottles and scheduling concerns. Let's see them running around in the heat for 95 minutes and then we will talk. I want that supporters kit and I want him to realize that he owes everything to me. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on this development as it happens.

OPINION: Surge In Hot Take Acrostics Leaves Mobile Users In The Dark

The Nutmeg News accepts opinion pieces and letters to the editor as part of our community outreach policy. Today's opinion piece comes from Norwood Thurgood, a resident of Shady Acres reconstitution center. We have no reason to believe he ever conducted an interview with Brad Friedel.

"Professional player Clint Dempsey should find a way to not be such a colossal jerk" said

Recently retired affectation indulgent British millionaire Brad Friedel.

"Of course, I wouldn't have done something like that in my day, which was the 1920's

Making our moves on the dance floor and waiting for new Cole Porter releases."

Of all the recent interviews on the Dempsey situation, Friedel's has proven the most

Technical and absorbing giving all reporters a pause as to the methodology and message

In this new world of journalism it begs the question, who is responsible for a hot take?

On the balance of information given, it appears that we all are. Which is of course correct.

Now the main thrust of the issue is to figure out how to hot take your hot take 

& how to cold roll your hot take into a new stratosphere of indulgent self flagellation.

Really the most important thing is to imagine a topic so incendiary that adding fuel

Everywhere will result in the largest most expansive bonfire that has ever been

Lobbed into the depths of places like Big Soccer. This is a location where

Everyone is an acolyte of the one true god that is Ted Westerveldt and while he is

God man in the holy trinity of divinity, we must remember that he also

Attempts the impossible, that is the living troll, the breathing troll, the long form

Troll that inundates the mass of the medula in a way that brings about change

In our lifetime the way Steve Urkel was able to change Carl Winslow's love into an 

Onomatopoeia like oink. IT's all connected, MAN. Benghazi, contrails and associated 

News articles that masquerade as collected conspiracy theory realists!

Timbers Fan Only Loves Tournaments In Which Her Team Is Still Competing

Estacada, OR - Timbers fan Hillary Chapparelle admitted that she is only in love with the US Open Cup and the CONCACAF Champions League until the Timbers are knocked out of the competition.

"I'm madly passionate about the US Open Cup and consider it one of the most prestigious tournaments in the United States until the Timbers get knocked out of it and then it becomes increasingly clear that the US Open Cup really wasn't that important and it should never take precedence over the regular season," said Chapparelle to our reportbers. 

"I also really cared a lot about telling my friends of the great honor that it was playing in the CONCACAF Champions League until the Timbers were knocked out of that one as well. I mean, after they went out it was clearly obvious that the CONCACAF Champions League was a tin-pot competition that takes second place to the real competition that is striving for a 6th place finish in the Western Conference so that the Timbers could try to eventually get a home playoff game. Winning something for the first time ever, playing in multiple countries and having the possibility of playing against Real Madrid, Barcelona, Juventus or Manchester United pales in comparison to 6th place in the Western Conference. "

With the Timbers now only having the MLS season to worry about, Ms Chapparelle is bullish on their chances.

"I think this is the best possible scenario, that the team only has to worry about qualifying for the playoffs. Of course, if they don't make the playoffs then it will become completely obvious to me that the Major League Soccer playoffs are really stupid and not worth anyone's time. That the answer to fixing all of our problems is a single table, not playoffs. However, the Timbers haven't been knocked out yet so I'm still excited about the playoffs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the way some people use deflection to cope with a loss as it happens.

Two Friends Head To Women's World Cup Semi-Final To Find A Quiet Place To Catch Up

Edmonton, AB - Friends Carolyn Smith and Gwen Ledoux needed a place to have a nice conversation and decided to drop in to the Women's World Cup semifinal game between Japan and England to get some peace and quiet.

Ned? Ned Reyerson? Ned the head? You sure as heck don't remember me, but I remember you!

"We heard that no one was going since the Canadian women bowed out of the tournament and it is Canada Day so we thought that this would be a good quiet place to have a long conversation about our jobs and future." said Smith.

"It's actually a bit too quiet" said Ledoux. "I mean, we have had to resort to whispers because we were distracting the players on the field. Also, as much fun as it is to be here, the beer is WAY too expensive."

Smith and Ledoux plan on staying until they can figure out if there is a backyard party that they can attend that will have a more boisterous and appropriate atmosphere for conversation.

Chicharito To San Jose A Possibility, But Only If He Can Live In San Francisco

San Jose, CA - Mexican superstar Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez announced that he was flattered and interested in the possibility of joining the San Jose Earthquakes but the player has requested that he never actually has to do anything in San Jose other than play there.

"I'm only moving there if I can live, play and do my charity volunteer work in San Francisco" said Hernandez on a conference call Wednesday. "I'll require a helicopter to take me to and from games and practice so I don't have to drive there either. It is important that I am able to convince myself that this move is a good one for myself by ensuring that I only have the perspective of San Francisco and nothing else."

While this acrimony by Hernandez towards San Jose may seem a bit extreme, former Earthquakes coach Frank Yallop fully understood. "No one wants to live in San Jose. No one."