David Ochoa Kick Accidentally Triggers Rare MLS Dueling Clause

Saint Paul, MN - The Major League Soccer (MLS) Disciplinary Committee were shocked to learn of a very hidden clause in the Collective Bargaining Agreement that states if a goal keeper kicks a ball towards supporters at a certain trajectory and speed, he would have to duel a member of the opposing team with standard Sabre rules.

The seconds of a young man shall not allow him to fight an adversary above sixty years of age, unless this adversary had struck him; and in this case his challenge must be accepted in writing. His refusal to comply with this rule is tantamount to a refusal to give satisfaction, and the young man’s honor is thereby satisfied.

The seconds of a young man shall not allow him to fight an adversary above sixty years of age, unless this adversary had struck him; and in this case his challenge must be accepted in writing. His refusal to comply with this rule is tantamount to a refusal to give satisfaction, and the young man’s honor is thereby satisfied.

“We have absolutely no idea why this was agreed to in the last negotiation, but a rule is a rule” said MLS Disciplinary Committee member Earl Stevens.

Minnesota United coach Adrian Heath loudly proclaimed his desire to take the duel as he gathered his second for the opportunity.

“VERILY,” stated Heath to The Nutmeg News. “Yon scoundrel hath bitten his thumb at me and I say NAY! I speak the words and I doth ask such Mssr. Ochoa…. Dost thou bite thine thumb at me, and he spake I do bite my thumb and yet I persist and ask again Dost thou bite thine thumb at ME, SIR, and he shows his indication that he doth bite his thumb but not directly at me but I call him a SCOUNDREL AND A VILLAIN.”

Advocates for an open dueling system decried the savage situation as inhumane stating, "this is abhorrent. ANY team should be able to duel a man to the death due to their sporting merit, not their finances. When will the sheeple involved with MLS finally rise up and lead a revolt against the conventional dueling systems to allow all teams from all leagues a chance to spill the blood of a ignoble enemy during a dawn duel with sabres."

Statisticians stated that they show Heath having a below average expected slash and parry, but Heath indicated that he has no love for Expected Stabs.

“The statistician is the jester in the realm of the mad king,” stated Heath as he sharpened his blade against a 15th century whetstone. “And I, but be such a king!”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS figures out how to blackout the televised duel in the Minneapolis and Salt Lake area.