Cambridge, MA - The scientific community at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) stated that they were completely baffled by Merritt Paulson, part owner of the Portland Timbers and the Portland Thorns, with his ability to do no wrong, ever.
“We’ve never seen anyone who has ever lived such a life without any mistakes of any kind,” stated one anonymous researcher. “It is positively insane to imagine such a thing but here we are. The man has never done anything wrong.”
Sources indicate that a full study on the “rightness” of Merritt Paulson was started shortly after he announced that the team had done nothing wrong during the opening salvo of the Portland Thorns abuse scandal that has now enveloped the entire National Women’s Soccer League.
“We couldn’t believe that a team who was involved in this scandal, a team where a general manager and ownership group actively knew about the abuse performed by a head coach they employed could do no wrong, but the reality is that Merritt Paulson still did no wrong. We asked him ‘is the Sky blue’ and he said ‘no they are Gotham now’ it was unbelievable. He is right always, even by technicality.”
Some of those outside the study indicate that they believe the “Do No Wrong” study to be flawed as it rests entirely on the word of Paulson himself, however those within the study indicate that they have rigorous controls.
“We ask Mr Paulson once in the morning and then once in the evening if he’s done anything wrong,” stated Professor Gerhart Struber. “And he answers that he has done nothing wrong. It is astounding. This is a double blind study. We asked Mr Paulson with a blindfold on whether he has done anything wrong and again he said no!”
Scientists were even more baffled to see him make up things about their own field of study. After checking their peer reviewed papers to review his claims, they just said “Merritts right lol” in the conclusion section of all of them.
“I spent my whole life researching anthropology,” stated Professor Anita Bryce, “and none of it mattered because it wasn’t validated by Paulson. It’s remarkable. He is just never wrong”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ongoing study is shocked that, in fact, Paulson still indicates that he has done nothing wrong, ever.