"That'll Put That Woman In Her Place," States @ussoccer

CHICAGO - US Soccer today stated, "that'll put that woman in her place," after enacting bylaws that mandate players stand for national anthems in response to their fragile sensibilities being hurt by the stance of Megan Rapinoe.

WE MUST STOP THE SCOURAGE OF WOMEN HAVING OPINIONS AND STUFF AND KNEELING AND BASICALLY THINKING.

WE MUST STOP THE SCOURAGE OF WOMEN HAVING OPINIONS AND STUFF AND KNEELING AND BASICALLY THINKING.

"WE... THE COLLECTED OLD MEN OF US SOCCER ARE VERY SCARED BY THESE DEVELOPMENTS OF  PLAYERS... SPECIFICALLY WOMEN... DOING THINGS WE DON'T LIKE," stated the press release from US Soccer that dictated the new rules. "We only accept conformity and absolute adherence to decorum."

Insiders report that US Soccer is completely fine with xenophobic and bigoted comments by their players and staff but WILL NOT STAND for someone kneeling during an anthem.

"Making comments about players not born in the United States not being American is fine, but if you refuse to stand for an Anthem... well CONSARN IT... WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT.  OR WE WILL... ITS VERY CONFUSING," stated Sunil Gulati.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer forces players to sign a blood oath to defend the land against infidels, before every game.