Portland Timbers Fan Spends CONCACAF Champions League Final Day Trying To Figure Out If He Has A Timbers Ticket Representative This Year

Salem, OR - Portland Timbers fan Gary Andrews stated that he is spending the entire CONCACAF Champions League final day emailing out to various Timbers group email accounts trying to figure out if he has a Timbers Ticket Representative this year who can answer his questions.

“I don’t think I’ve had an actual assigned ticket representative in over 2… maybe 3 years,” stated Andrews. “So look, it’s not like I’m ignoring the game, but the last 5 emails I sent haven’t gotten a response and no one seems willing to talk about my season tickets, much less about how I can get ADU seating for my brother-in-law at an upcoming game. The only communication I get is about possible group sales for luxury boxes.”

Sources indicate that Andrews feels increasingly disconnected from the team over the past three years as even simple requests over gameday items have gone by the wayside.

“I’d just like to know that someone is reading my emails,” stated Andrews. “I understand that I sent some heated emails over the past few years and I know that I moved to Salem; but it’s like I don’t exist to them. I held on to my season tickets for over 10 years. At this point, I’d just like someone to tell me blank platitudes. It honestly feels like a black hole over there, and even if I get someone assigned to me they are either leaving again soon or they don’t respond.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a notification on his phone, picks it up thinking its from his email application and turns on his phone only to find out that it was a notification that the CCL final just kicked off.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 28th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 28th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 28th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2023, 2024 and 2025, as well.

"What Am I Doing With My Life," States Denver Man Watching Montreal vs Atlanta Game

Denver, CO - Sitting on his couch in his apartment, Denver resident Anders Myers stated, “What am I doing with my life,” after he realized that he was watching the Montreal v Atlanta game on ESPN+.

Myers reportedly tuned into the game because it was the only MLS option, at the time, on ESPN as he realized that he had some time before he needed to go run some errands.

“I don’t care about either of these teams and I’m not certain they care about this game either,” stated Myers to his cat. “Why am I talking to you? You hate soccer.”

Sources indicate that Myers nearly fell asleep to the game before he sat up, grabbed his phone and surfed Instagram reels while texting friends to see if anyone wanted to meet up for a beer later.

“Huh, it’s 1-1 now,” stated Myers in his mind before he looked back at his phone and switched from Instagram to Twitter and then from Twitter to Duolingo and then from Duolingo back to Instagram reels.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Myers looks up in just enough time to realize the game is over and he needs to shower before he heads out.

NWSL Sets 2022 Goal Of Not Having Any Coaches Removed For Sexual Harassment And Assault

CHICAGO - The National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced a 2022 season goal, before the first game of the season, to not have a coaches for any of the teams in the league removed for sexual harassment and assault as they said, “ok, THIS will be the year.”

Sources with the league indicate that allegations against Houston Dash coach and general manager James Clarkson happened before the season started as they indicated, “2022 is our NO harassment year!"

“We’ve put in a lot of effort this season to cut down the coverups and the sexual assault/grooming,” stated one league insider who wouldn’t detail what those efforts involved. “This is definitely the year for the league to make it through without having someone get fired. Absolutely. Very certain. Mostly certain. Executives don’t count.”

With every single team having their head coach leaving, this offseason, the league is bullish on their attempts at starting over.

“Granted nearly every single one of the power structures that enabled this are still in place, but THIS is the year that those executives behave,” stated one team insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the ham handed attempts by the league to protect the players don’t protect the players.

Anthony Precourt Announces Move Of Austin FC To San Diego After Open Cup Loss

Austin, TX - Claiming a lack of business engagement and metrics that will allow his team to be successful, Austin FC owner Anthony Precourt announced that he would be looking into moving the team to San Diego in an attempt to start over.

Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

“We are still in the process of identifying the right stadium site in San Diego, CA,” stated Precourt Sports Venture. “We recognize some would prefer if this process were to move faster, however we believe that ultimately there is value in being thorough as opposed to being fast. And although we are willing to dedicate significant time and expense in this effort, we are not in a position to move to San Diego if the right site is not identified.

“Additionally, we have engaged and hired a team of experts to help bring a San Diego team to life, including: JP Morgan for financial expertise; Armbrust & Brown for legal and real estate counsel; CAA/ICON for project management oversight and feasibility; Gensler for sports architecture and design; Elizabeth Christian Public Relations for local media relations; two local branding and advertising agencies; local political advisors and consultants; among others.

“As we continue a dialogue with San Diego about possible locations for a soccer facility in San Diego’s urban core, we welcome new ideas and community input before any further decisions are made or actions are taken.

“Elected officials and community leaders, as well as thousands of citizens, have repeatedly stated that they support the concept of establishing a home for Major League Soccer in San Diego. We are hopeful that, if in the context of this conversation the best site is either parkland or city-owned land, the will of the people, across a spectrum of perspectives and districts, would be heard.”

Sources with the Austin business community state, “how did we not see this coming,” however they claimed that they would work tirelessly to attempt to keep the team local.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Austin FC fans try to figure out some version of Save The Crew without calling it Save The Verde.

Flower City Union Staff Asks If Any Fans Have Hidden Flares They Could Light For Some Warmth

Rochester, NY - Playing in rain, snow, and wind, Flower City Union representatives reportedly went into the stands to ask if any fans there have hidden flares they could light for some warmth.

“Look, we don’t care how they got here, but if you guys could light them now, that would be great,” stated one team representative.

Sources indicate that even the smoke grenades aren’t doing enough as they only provide a temporary respite from the all encompassing drizzling, snowing gloom that hangs over the field in Rochester.

“Some people think I lit this smoke bomb off for the team, but I can’t actually feel my fingers so I didn’t even know it was lit until I looked up and saw the wind carrying it off,” stated one anonymous fan.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our on-site reporter goes into a freezer to warm up and report.

Fan Of MLS Team In US Open Cup Game Ready To Have Worst Night Of His Life

INTERNET - Jeff Andrews, a soccer fan for an MLS team, is reportedly absolutely ready to have the worst night of his life as he watches a US Open Cup game where his team has a high probability of losing and he will remain irrationally angry about the result for years afterward.

“As I move into my 30s I’m ready to become extremely cynical and jaded about this team,” stated Andrews to The Nutmeg News. “And this is a real opportunity for my team to lose in a dramatic fashion crushing my spirit and lending a negative viewpoint to almost everything regarding the team for the next year or two.”

Sources say that Andrews prepared himself by irrationally claiming that, “THIS TEAM WILL NEVER LOSE TO A LOWER LEAGUE TEAM,” on every social media platform he could find as he attempts to create such a high in himself that the inevitable loss will crush his soul.

“It’s my time to shine,” stated Andrews. “I’m fully prepared to not accept the eventuality of this and throw my hat on the ground in front of me lacing the air with a fine peppering of profanities I learned by watching Chelsea games for the last three years. I may or may not punch a wall, as well.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews gets a sinking feeling when he looks at the starting lineup.

San Jose Earthquakes Search Local PennySaver For New Head Coach

San Jose, CA - Stating, “this could be a good way for us to save some money,” the San Jose Earthquakes turned to their local PennySaver in order to find their next head coach.

“We need someone who is flexible with what constitutes the overall makeup and abilities of a professional soccer team,” stated one Earthquakes insider. “Honestly, finding someone in the PennySaver would really help us temper their expectations of what the job will entail. We really need someone who thinks the whole is experience is…. NEAT. Someone who thinks that the wooden spoon isn’t so bad if you think about it.”

Sources indicate that the Earthquakes have already reached out to Doug Harbottle, a 45 year dad of 3 with no professional licenses who coaches youth soccer from “coaching soccer for dummies” to see if he would be interested.

“He has former coaching experience and he said that he brings his own juice boxes and orange slices. That might save us another $5 per game,” stated our Earthquakes insider.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Harbottle complains about the lack of money available for player recruitment.

Minnesota Fan Expelled From Supporters Group Over Heath Bar Photo

Minneapolis, MN - Posting a picture of a Heath bar with the caption, “HEATH IN, to your mouth! Everyone knows this is great,” Minnesota United fan Chris Pouncy was expelled from Loon’s Farm, the Minnesota United Supporters Group dedicated to Minnesota United and wine coolers.

HEATH IN, TO YOUR MOUTH.

“It was determined that Chris was intentionally trolling our manifesto that requested the removal of Adrian Heath immediately and an apology to all fans for the disastrous start of this season,” stated Loon’s Farm president Jeffrey Bartles.

Sources close to Mr. Pouncy indicate that he was merely enjoying a snack as he stated, “WHO DOESNT LOVE TOFFEE? HONESTLY,” after receiving the notification that he was no longer a dues paying member.

“This fight about Adrian Heath is tearing us apart and it’s incredibly stupid,” stated Mr. Pouncy on his Facebook page which was immediately brigaded with comments comparing his words to the start of the team this season, the finish of the team last season, and the current situation in Ukraine.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pouncy posts an apology to, “all the haters who can’t enjoy delicious Heath bars and Emanuel Reynoso,” on his Twitter account with great effect.

Run On Nose Plugs Reported After Columbus Crew Draws USOC Trip To Detroit City

Columbus, OH - Stating, “We must protect our proud, supple, bodily orafices,” Columbus Crew players and staff reportedly started a general run in the area on nose plugs, ear plugs and gas masks.

“The report is that the fans will assault you with smell,” stated one anonymous midfielder. “I’ve eaten Skyline Chili so I’m fine, but I’m worried about our midfielders.”

Sources indicate that the Crew purchased nose plugs in bulk and have their team working on open mouth running, a new trend.

“It is said that if you open your mouth, you can breathe through it instead of your nose,” stated one Crew athletic trainer. “We are working on that while having the team prepare for this game. We may end up sending some of our starting 11 for the game to train in the Cincinnati area in order to prepare for the assault on smell.”

For all the dire warnings about an assault on the senses, some Crew supporters are already prepared as one fan stated, “Honestly, this is nothing new. I always wear nose plugs when I go to Detroit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Detroit City fans prepare to assault the fifth sense, proprioception.

FC Tulsa Files Grievance Over Being Included In Texas Region

Tulsa, Oklahoma - FC Tulsa, today, filed a grievance over being included in the “Texas Region” of the US Open Cup Draw as they repeatedly stated, “OKLAHOMA IS NOT TEXAS.”

Sources indicate that the club stated that, “Texas Sucks and Kansas Blows and that’s why Oklahoma is so windy,” as part of their petition to be included in literally any region than the Texas region.

“This is an outrage,” stated one anonymous FC Tulsa employee. “We have almost NOTHING in common with Texas except for our geographical, political, social similarities and our shared tolerance of Whataburger. If we are included in this geographical region we demand that the region be named by the winner of the Red River Rivalry, in which case this region would absolutely be called the Oklahoma Region.”

For their part, the Texas teams collectively stated that the Oklahoma response was, “A symptom of Oklahoma wanting to be a part of Texas, like usual.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas accuses FC Tulsa of spreading “leftist Oklahoma values,” by virtue of the Braums down the street from the stadium.

Portland Thorns And Timbers Promise To Hire Someone To Take Accountability For Any Future Scandals

Portland, OR - The Portland Thorns and Timbers front office announced, today, that they would hire someone to take accountability for any future scandals as the team announced a new “Fall Person” post.

Not him, though.

“Our new Fall Person will be a non-gender-specific community focused person who will be held accountable for any future missteps by our organization,” stated the press release. “We hear and respect our fans and we promise that for any future scandals, other than the ones we just went through, SOMEONE not affiliated with the ownership group, executives or current management of the team will be held accountable.”

According to insiders, the Fall Person will be subject to being immediately removed from their position with great public fanfare should any scandals make it to the press which requires the team to need to appear to take responsibility.

“Basically this is always going to be a temporary position,” stated one front office insider. “The person that they hire will ultimately be to blame if the ownership of the team hires another sexual predator or employs someone involved in domestic violence, again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this the front office offer the person in this position 33,500 per year, provided that they make themselves always available for any additional tasks required of them on all weekends and weeknights.

Stoner Not Concerned Which Pot Canada Is Into

Surrey, BC - Stoner and soccer fan Phillipa Gauthier stated that she really wasn’t concerned which pot Canada was into as she indicated, “oh man, you know… it’s all good.”

Nobody messes with Canadian Geese.

Defying the immediate concern of many of her counterparts involved in Canadian Men’s Soccer on Twitter, Gauthier stated that everything was, “totally great,” because as she indicated, “like, we qualified… you know… it’s like been a while since that was like the thing that we… um… oh shit… I totally spaced. What are we talking about? You want Timmy’s?”

Indicated a preference for a hybrid Indica, Gauthier waxed rhapsodic about the benefits of a nice Sativa pot before she pivoted to whether pot 4 had the easiest teams to beat.

“If we come out of this playing Iran, then I think that’s a sign for a little tincture with a heavy dose of CBD. If we end up playing Argentina, then I suggest high THC and just go for that gaucho ride.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we finish talking about whether our fingers are gonna fing or not.

USMNT Fan Devastated As Team Makes World Cup

Fairfax, VA - Muttering, “Now nothing will EVER change,” USMNT fan Tommy Andrews was reportedly devastated after the United States qualified for the World Cup.

“I’m just done, DONE,” stated Andrews to his Twitter account @reformUSSFUSMNT. “I’ve been waging this campaign to bring around the structural changes that will be necessary for the USMNT to compete on a global level and their success has shown that the team, the sport and this federation will never succeed.”

Sources indicate that Andrews has long been complaining about the structure of the US Soccer Federation, the youth men’s team, Major League Soccer’s influence on the national team and the senior men’s playing style as he turned criticism of organizational and playing structures into his entire persona for the last 7 years.

“I truly thought that missing the World Cup would create the possibility of bringing around some kind of change,” stated Andrews. “I truly thought that the devastation we felt would spur our federation to do something different, but here we are in the next World Cup and it is just infuriating.”

Between routinely roasting the lineup choices, coming up with mocking nicknames for Gregg Berhalter and finding unknown United States prospects playing in the second division of Slovenia that are clearly better than an MLS player on the roster, Andrews indicated that all his attempts to improve the federation by speaking out to his 452 followers has failed.

“I’m just moving on. Soccer will never make it here,” stated Andrews.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andrews pivots from his USMNT hot takes to his podcast about affordable crypto currency.

MLS Podcast Uses Less Time To Explain NFT Than GAM/TAM

Charlotte, NC - Spending roughly 2 minutes stating, “It’s a marker or token that is attached to digital art/media you that shows proof of ownership of that art. That token is backed up by the blockchain, a secure function that tracks and verifies ownership, which creates an entire environment that some people find exceedingly dumb and some people love,” Charlotte FC podcast North Carolina Offside moved on to part 23 of how GAM/TAM and invisible money options create an entire hidden and not reviewed economy within the economy of Major League Soccer.

“We aren’t talking DPs or young DPs and whether or not teams are paying off the salary of players using unique options or additional compensation outside their own contract which may not be subject to the actual salary rules, or even whether the rules are actually being followed at all,” stated host Oscar Jimenez. “What we are talking about is really the entire substructure of accounting options that form the underpinning of successful team management within the entire league that is completely and utterly invisible. Oh yeah, and a tracking system for online art.”

Calling episode 34 the “NFT and TAM/GAM” episode, Jimenez was able to quickly move on from the controversial pairing with the league and touch on it a few times in a reflection of the opaque salary constraints that are faced by fans and teams.

“Really an NFT solution for salaries within the league would be amazing,” stated Jimenez. “Instead what we are left with is the accidental reporting of a salary number by someone in the know once every once and a while and the players union list that is repeatedly stated as being factually inaccurate.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jimenez returns to part 24 of the TAM/GAM/DP explainer as he tries to rough in exactly what TAM/GAM/DP is best utilized for on a team as it relates to green cards and international slots.

USMNT Fan Admits He Only Watched First 5 Minutes Of Game Spending Rest Of World Cup Qualifier On His Phone Arguing About First Five Minutes In Various Facebook Groups, Discord, Reddit, And Twitter

BOSTON - USMNT fan David Thompson admitted that he only watched the first five minutes of the US World Cup Qualifier against Mexico as he spent most of the rest of the world cup qualifier on his phone arguing about a specific play in various Facebook groups, Discord, Reddit and Twitter.

“I’m debating whether it’s worth me going back to actually watch the game,” stated Thompson.

According to sources, Thompson took to his phone after the 5th minute to argue a specific point that he wanted to make to anonymous people on the internet and didn’t look up until the 90th minute when his phone died.

“I just truly believe that if you look at the characteristic of the game that it all changed at the start of the game and that everyone should know that I noticed that,” stated Thompson.

Sources indicate that Thompson posted multiple times per minute after the fifth minute and this all culminated when he screenshot someone on Twitter calling him an idiot and posted that to his discord chat for USMNT, whereupon he entered into a heated argument with someone there about whether he was an idiot and then posted that thread to his friends What’sApp private group.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thompson claims that you don’t need to watch the game when they are draws

Overconfident US Fan Lets Honduran Roofers Know They Are, "Gonna Lose Tonight"

Dallas, TX - Taking his trash out to the corner, overconfident US Soccer fan Travis Anderson yelled, “you’re gonna lose tonight,” to some bewildered American roofers originally from Honduras who were walking shingles up a ladder to the roof of his neighbor’s house.

“We don’t know if he took us as being Mexican or if he actually thinks we are going to lose to Panama,” stated Santos Mejia, foreman. “Honestly, there was a tiny part of me that was impressed that he knew we had a game tonight even as I realized what he was actually doing.”

For his part, Anderson stated, “um, who…. what….. go away,” at his front door to our reporter before posting on his Twitter account @freedominate23745 about Woke Media ambushes.

“I know for a fact that there’s at least 3 Mexicans on his crew,” stated Anderson online. “Because I heard them speaking Spanish.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson dons his Lalas customized Denim kit throwback he bought on Etsy and heads down to the AO watch party.

NWSL Schedule Located On Container Ship Stuck In Suez Canal

CAIRO - Reporters from The Nutmeg News global division were finally able to locate the long lost 2022 National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) schedule as, apparently, the much delayed schedule is actually on a container ship bound for the United States that is stuck in Suez Canal.

“We are desperately reaching out to anyone that can help,” stated one NWSL spokesperson. “We ordered the schedule months ago and it just hasn’t arrived.”

Those in the know stated that the NWSL has enlisted the help of local body shops on the east coast to also attempt to order an NWSL schedule as they have been navigating parts shortages and supply chain issues for years now.

“We placed an order for an NWSL schedule from Ali Baba,” stated Larry Hogan of Fulton’s Body Shop. “Yeah, just trying to help the outfit down the street. We place an order for an NWSL schedule and they place an order for the hood and bumper sensors to a Toyota Camry. It’s a win/win for us and them. Hopefully one of us will get an NWSL schedule in soon.”

For its part, the ship remains stuck in the Suez Canal due to security concerns with the current Russian invasion of Ukraine . However, NWSL sources indicated they thought it could show up any day.

“We will give you a call when it gets here,” stated one NWSL source. “It’s going to be here any day. ANY DAY.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL avoids answering any more calls about when the schedule arrives.

San Diego Loyal Announce Insurrection Discount

San Diego, CA - United Soccer League (USL) team San Diego Loyal announced a $17.76 insurrection discount on any new season tickets purchased after they signed Andrew Carleton, part time soccer player and part time insurrectionist that stormed the capital.

Let’s commit an insurrection!

“We welcome everyone from our community,” stated the Loyal. “From those in the LGBTQ+ community to those that think that John F Kennedy Sr is alive and dictating foreign policy using his not-so-deceased son John F Kennedy Jr via a shadow cabal government (although not THAT shadow government ifyouknowhatwemean) who exists to expose child trafficking done at democratic pizza places and places Donald Trump as a Jesus Christ reborn figure head to bring about the bloody revolution which will sweep communists and anti-fascists from the land in a race riot.”

Sources indicate that Carleton was contrite about his former actions as he stated, “I’ve done some things I wasn’t proud of in my youth 12 months ago. I’ve had time to learn and time to earn and time to live, laugh, love and time to stay out of the spotlight so that a team in the United States will give me a chance again because hopefully enough people forgot about all this.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carleton considers whether he should show his video from the capital or not to a black teammate in the locker room in order to convince him that Q is real.

Frustrated Baseball Fans Turn To Local Soccer Teams Like Manchester City

INTERNET - After it was announced that Major League Baseball owners were going to cancel the opening games of the year, frustrated Baseball fans across the United States and Canada stated their intention to turn to local soccer teams like Manchester City.

“I’m a Dodgers fan first and foremost,” stated Dale Williams of Burbank. “And if the owners are gonna do this, then I’m going to look into Manchester City or Liverpool or… you know… maybe something local like Chelsea…. I don’t know. I just need sports.”

Sources indicate that the lack of Baseball options made many sports fans get motivated to find their own team as they turned to a number of internet resources.

“I made a flow chart for SB Nation that indicates which European team you should root for based upon your current Baseball team,” stated one anonymous writer. “I didn’t get paid for it, really, but I think it’ll help a number of people and really drive traffic to the SB Nation website.”

Fan clubs across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to receive the new members as they indicated there was a major increase in interest.

“We have already received a number of inquiries,” stated the official Liverpool supporters club in New York City. “There’s more than a few baseball fans ready to come out for some local games.”

It isn’t all roses, however, as the official supporters club of Burnley for the United States reported no additional interest.

“We actually had a few more people ask if they could transfer their membership over to a Chelsea supporters club,” stated the Burnley US representative David Taft, originally of Burnley.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Baseball fans make the discovery of Promotion and Relegation and ask why it isn’t in place locally.