Vancouver Whitecaps Reach Out To Pacific FC Fans Offering Them Years Of Crippling Depression If Fans Trade In A Pacific FC Scarf At Tonight's Game

VANCOUVER - The front office of the Vancouver Whitecaps reached out, on social media, to fans of Pacific FC ahead of their Canadian Championship match with an offer of years of crippling depression if fans trade in a Pacfic FC scarf at tonight’s game.

The Whitecaps lauded their history in Major League Soccer as they offered Pacific FC fans their own customized form of Whitecaps depression.

“Just imagine sitting on a street corner at the end of the year wondering what happened as you join all of your fellow fans in having a virtual beer as you simultaneously try to convince yourself that commuting in from Kelowna wouldn’t be that bad, anyway. With the Whitecaps run of form, you can customize your depression from social issues with the club, player problems or the parade of head coaches and staff bringing a nearly unending run of disappointment and depression that’s followed the Whitecaps from 2011 to 2021.”

Touting their commitment to commitment, the Whitecaps stated that joining the fraternity of fans that watch their games offers Pacific FC fans a chance to be real fans of a real team that very clearly isn’t based upon winning all the time.

“It’s easy to be a fan of the #1 team in the Canadian Premier League,” stated the Whitecaps on social media. “But just imagine being a fan of the 19th team in Major League Soccer. That’s how you build character.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jake Edwards of Langford considers the option before realizing he already has enough depression stocked up from the last two years.

Skills Challenge To Replace Remainder Of 2021 MLS And Liga MX Regular Season

LOS ANGELES - After a 30 minute conversation in the hallway of the Banc of California Stadium, Major League Soccer and Liga MX came to an accord that would replace the remainder of the 2021 season for both leagues with an intra-league week by week skills challenge.

“Our fans demanded this,” stated MLS Commissioner Don Garber. “And we are known for giving them what they want. The rest of the 2021 season will now be a week by week, team against team skills battle for supremacy in North America.”

The first challenge will come when Pumas travels north to face the red hot New England Revolution.

“We are out here to crack some plates and score some points, yo,” stated a ebullient Bruce Arena. “I’m telling the team to focus on the 10 point corners and the 20 point moving target. It’s a new age in soccer.”

Sources with the Revolution indicate that Arena took them to The Greatest Bar in Boston to play skee ball in preparation for the touch challenge.

“He was yelling at us about preparation and mental fortitude as we tried to aim only for the 100 point holes,” stated one anonymous player. “He just kept yelling that champions aren’t made at 10 points a pop.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the European teams threaten to break off into their own Super Skills Challenge league.

Supporters' Group Celebrates Trailblazing Fan Who Brought Black Friend To Game For Juneteenth

Des Moines, IA - Supporters Group “The Justice Brigade” honored James Lipscott for bringing a black friend to their recent game on Juneteenth as they celebrated having a diverse supporters group.

Artists Rendition

“James really went out on a limb for us and we want to show our appreciation by making him the Fan Of The Month,” stated SG director Frank Williams.

The day was not without tension, as things reportedly were “on edge” when James asked if any other Black fans were at the game, but things cooled down when an SG member pointed out they had a Black player.

Most supporters members forgot the friends name 4 minutes after he arrived, but they remarked that the black friend was very nice and well spoken as they categorically stated that he must have had a good time.

Sources indicated that after a few minutes most supporters went back to reminiscing about 2005, and James reportedly was told “you haven’t put in the work” when he asked what it takes to be a capo, but the SG marked a monumental moment in finally having a Black fan.

“It should be clear to all now that we are an accepting and open supporters group, We have increased our diversity by 10000% now, and it’s because of our welcoming atmosphere,” stated Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the supporters group forgets this ever happened

Area Man Doesn’t Remember Revs Logo But Misses It Already

Secaucus, NJ - Vinny Marino, a plumber from the Secaucus area, stated that he doesn’t really fully remember the New England Revolution logo but that he misses it already.

RIP to the original logo.

“Hey,” stated Marino. “That change is a real bummer. I don’t remember exactly what it looks like but just like my grandpa… you can’t bring it back when its gone no matter how hard you try.”

When asked about his 10 years of comments saying that the logo “looked like a 5 year old drew it” he responded that that was “before it was historic.”

"In fact," stated Mr. Marino. "You could say it was the general... you know... shittiness of the whole thing that made it great. It’s a great shitty. It's like a shitty coal being put into a shitty oyster and turning into a shitty emerald that everyone appreciates, shittly."

When asked what he wanted the logo to look like he only said, “not that.”

And when asked whether he would accept any change to the logo he stated, “Let’s just go changing up our constitution then, right? That’s what’s next? Right? You gonna miss me with that one.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Marino fondly remembers whatever other team gets rebranded and shakes his head slowly.

Man Kicked Out Of Supporters Group For Not Being Toxic

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC fan Paxton Hughes was reportedly kicked out of the Orlando City Ultras group for not being toxic enough for the groups online presence as he refused to tweet anything but positive statements after the recent 2-1 loss to Red Bull New York.

“I always KNEW he didn’t care enough to become extremely bitter, jaded, and emotionally devastated while using those feelings to lash out at everyone around him after games,” stated supporters group capo Joe “Code Red” Williams. “We were expecting him to threaten someone with getting beat up the next time we play, or say he hoped that their best player gets injured but this nerd just said good game.”

Friends claim that Hughes has always been an easy going friend who just enjoys getting together with his friends and watching the sports teams he likes play. However, Williams said that this wasn’t good enough for his crew.

“We built this supporters group off passion and repurposed imagery from the ultras-tifo Balkan sub-forum. I want to see people WEEPING after a loss. None of this happy-go-lucky nice shit. If you want to be nice move to Winnepeg and go play curling. This is futbol. This is passion! It’s clear he has no passion, and we can’t have that in this SG.”

Paxton was quoted as saying, “I understand their decision,” which enraged the Orlando City Ultras even further.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Orlando City Ultras are planning on boycotting social media after Paxton said he still loves the Supporters culture of Orlando

Columbus S.C. Lose First Game In Franchise History

TORONTO - New Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise Columbus SC lost their inaugural game to Toronto FC as they started their debut season with a 2-0 loss on the road.

“We are looking forward to our first game at our temporary home, but the boys are admittedly eager to play a game in their home stadium when it opens,” stated head coach Caleb Porter.

Columbus S.C. will start the season playing at the home of the, now, defunct Columbus Crew, a former professional soccer team in the area.

“We are looking forward to building a team in the area and we hope that fans of the Crew will come out for Columbus S.C.,” stated Columbus S.C. President Tim Bezbatchenko.

The groundshare at the location of the home of the Columbus Crew has not gone on without some acrimony, though, as fans of the recently shelved team protested the new team with vigorous intensity.

“We want the Crew back,” stated one anonymous fan. “And we won’t rest until this other team is gone.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the management of Columbus S.C. insist that they will listen to the fans as long as they agree with everything they say.

Haslam Sports Group Appoint Johnny Manziel To Spearhead Columbus SC Transition

Columbus, OH - In light of the ongoing dissention among the Columbus Crew fanbase over the transition to Columbus SC, Haslam Sports Group (HSG) announced the appointment of former Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel to spearhead the Columbus SC transition.

“We need this situation completed successfully,” stated the Haslam Sports Group. “And we expect Johnny to really help out the team here by helping us ensure that the transition of the name is complete without being intercepted.”

Crew fans were reportedly aghast as rumors swirled that the name change was to be completed regardless of their feelings, however HSG hoped that the Manziel acquisition would smooth over the hurt.

“Johnny can hopefully bring some of that Browns magic with him,” stated Dee Haslam. “We hope that we can really bring the Browns Way to Columbus and allow our fans to truly experience what we’ve been building in Cleveland for the past 9 years.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Manziel gets picked off the day he starts the job.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 27th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 27th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 27th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025, as well.

NYCFC Request Opportunity To Play Home Game At Queensboro FC Stadium Prototype

NEW YORK - Sources indicate that New York City Football Club (NYCFC) petitioned for an opportunity to play a home game at the Queensboro FC Stadium prototype that was released today online.

What is this, a stadium for ANTS?!

The Queensboro prototype made out of balsa wood and glue was proposed to be left just outside of Citi Field in the grass somewhere to allow for a “downtown feel”. As for the issue of humans being too big for the prototype, City Group offered complimentary shrink ray services for anyone on the team.

"It's still in the city," stated NYCFC Events Manager Rob Williams. "We need to convince our players to reduce themselves via shrink ray to roughly a half inch or so, but It's IN THE CITY. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?"

Sources with Queensboro FC indicate that they received a request for an NYCFC Home Game as soon as the prototype was revealed on their Twitter account earlier.

"It's really the fans choice,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “Half inch players reduced with a discount shrink ray purchased from a stall on Canal Street playing in a balsa stadium prototype built for a USL team in Queens or playing our home games in..... shudder... New Jersey"

For their part, Red Bull supporters instantly planned to pour Red Bull on the stadium after it is moved, something not covered by insurance. “It’s kind of getting sad, they have been actually doing everything but getting a real stadium. That money buying the shrink ray could have bought off a NYC politician.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as NYCFC reach out to Asbury Park F.C. about their stadium situation and whether they have any available dates.

David Ochoa Kick Accidentally Triggers Rare MLS Dueling Clause

Saint Paul, MN - The Major League Soccer (MLS) Disciplinary Committee were shocked to learn of a very hidden clause in the Collective Bargaining Agreement that states if a goal keeper kicks a ball towards supporters at a certain trajectory and speed, he would have to duel a member of the opposing team with standard Sabre rules.

The seconds of a young man shall not allow him to fight an adversary above sixty years of age, unless this adversary had struck him; and in this case his challenge must be accepted in writing. His refusal to comply with this rule is tantamount to a refusal to give satisfaction, and the young man’s honor is thereby satisfied.

“We have absolutely no idea why this was agreed to in the last negotiation, but a rule is a rule” said MLS Disciplinary Committee member Earl Stevens.

Minnesota United coach Adrian Heath loudly proclaimed his desire to take the duel as he gathered his second for the opportunity.

“VERILY,” stated Heath to The Nutmeg News. “Yon scoundrel hath bitten his thumb at me and I say NAY! I speak the words and I doth ask such Mssr. Ochoa…. Dost thou bite thine thumb at me, and he spake I do bite my thumb and yet I persist and ask again Dost thou bite thine thumb at ME, SIR, and he shows his indication that he doth bite his thumb but not directly at me but I call him a SCOUNDREL AND A VILLAIN.”

Advocates for an open dueling system decried the savage situation as inhumane stating, "this is abhorrent. ANY team should be able to duel a man to the death due to their sporting merit, not their finances. When will the sheeple involved with MLS finally rise up and lead a revolt against the conventional dueling systems to allow all teams from all leagues a chance to spill the blood of a ignoble enemy during a dawn duel with sabres."

Statisticians stated that they show Heath having a below average expected slash and parry, but Heath indicated that he has no love for Expected Stabs.

“The statistician is the jester in the realm of the mad king,” stated Heath as he sharpened his blade against a 15th century whetstone. “And I, but be such a king!”

The Nutmeg News will have more as MLS figures out how to blackout the televised duel in the Minneapolis and Salt Lake area.

Atlanta United Capo Can NOT, In Fact, Hear Chicago Away Fans Sing

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United Capo Rod “Thunder” Pearson stated that he could NOT, in fact, hear Chicago away fans sing during their recent game as the two MLS sides clashed during the middle of a global pandemic.

“The question was asked and the question was answered,” stated Pearson to The Nutmeg News. “I stopped capoing for like 2 seconds to try to hear if the 2 Fire fans in the rafters of the stadium were singing, and I didn’t hear anything. I had to start everyone’s favorite chant after that. It’s very sad to see such a historic team have fans who can’t even do a 12 hour drive in a pandemic to see their team play. No passion.”

Our sources in the travelling fans section indicate that the group was a mix of two people sat 6 feet apart who travelled from just outside Marietta to view the game after moving there for work from Chicago over 3 years ago.

“Frankly I’m relived to see that there ARENT more travelling fans,” stated Fire fan Chris Dimico. “People need to take this seriously. As a front line worker I’ve been vaccinated for some time, but honestly I’m relived that there isn’t a huge contingent here today.”

None of this information stopped Pearson from his rant as he stated that he wasn’t too surprised at the lack of Fire fans seeing that Fire did not break any attendance records in their return to Soldier Field. “You get a new stadium downtown, every team needs that. And nobody shows up. I saw a lot of empty seats. Just pathetic, very MLS 1.0 of them.”

The Nutmeg News will have more as Pearson takes to Twitter begging Montreal fans to cross international borders in a pandemic to “challenge them” in the next home game

Seattle Sounders Plan To Recycle Tactics For Earth Day

Seattle, WA - Sources with the Seattle Sounders state that the club is planning on recycling tactics from the past few years in an effort to give a more environmentally conscious presence for Earth Day.

“Just because they are old tactics doesn’t mean that we can’t use them,” stated head coach Brian Schmetzer. “Why all you need is a bit of care, a bit of compost and suddenly your old tactics are new again.”

Team sources indicate that great care was taken over the last few years to build a big enough compost pile to consistently recycle the tactics over and over and over again.

“If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it,” stated one team insider. “We are just gonna keep shoveling on all this sweet compost and every year we get a bumper crop of results. It’s amazing what you can grow if you just keep putting all the previous results back into the same deep shit every year. Look at our record!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Sounders state that they are transitioning to a “no dig” methodology of player acquisition as they spread cardboard over the area, cover it with sod and hope that some good shit turns up.

Lindsey Horan Hoping For A Reverse Kaepernick Sponsorship From Hobby Lobby

Portland, OR - Portland Thorns midfielder Lindsey Horan admitted that she was hoping for a reverse Colin Kaepernick sponsorship from Hobby Lobby as she defied the solidary shown by players, coaches and staff on both teams by standing during the anthem.

“I stand for the flag. I stand for the anthem. I stand because I don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with family members,” stated Horan. “I’ve discussed this with my teammates and they know that I respect their position. They know I’m not racist, but the police should probably be obeyed (just saying), the anthem and flag shouldn’t be disrespected and I am not going to Christmas having to explain to Uncle Jeff and Cousin Brayden why I’m kneeling. I’m really hoping that a reputable company will see this and understand that there are players out there that are reversing Colin Kaepernick’s kneel for racial justice. Some of us will take a principled stand for whatever is the opposite of kneeling for justice. I hope that Hobby Lobby would find it in their hearts to offer players who take this stand a small salary, a cut of sponsored shirt sales, a chance for 5% off model airplane glue and, most lucratively, imported artifacts from ancient Babylon.”

Sources within the Thorns locker room state that there isn’t a division with Horan’s stand as players stated, “Everyone else is on one side and she is on the opposite, so it’s not really a division as it is just that one person who doesn’t care how other people feel or act even 24 hours removed from the Derek Chauvin trial.”

For her part, Horan indicated that she was thinking bigger than just Hobby Lobby.

“Think about the mileage a company like Nike could get with this,” stated Horan. “We could do a commercial where I stand for the anthem and they could play patriotic music behind me with shots of women playing soccer and rubbing sweat out of their eyes as they try to achieve something by standing by themselves on a field, alone, but with eventually other teammates because it’s a team game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as opinionated blowhards and dickheaded former players take to Twitter to defend her stand.

OUTRAGE MARKET REPORT: Analysts Are Predicting A Bull Run On Super League Shit Takes

Third party research and analysts with The Nutmeg News financial firm predict a BULL RUN on Super League shit takes as options on CONCACAF Referee’s expire in the Outrage Market.

We packed 32 analysts into a room with a bunch of high grade Adderall and asked them to give us their best opinions on the current market.

“BUY HIGH ON NISA SHIT TAKES, HOLD FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN ON ‘MLS IS THE SAME THING’ TAKES THOSE WILL JUMP SOON. BUY THE DIP IN ‘THIS IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS’ TAKES. SELL ‘FOREIGN FANS DID THIS,” was the message screamed out of the room.

Economists and outrage market professionals indicate that now is the best time to get involved in the Outrage Market as the number of trading options are at an all time high.

“I tell everyone I can to open an account with Twitter and really invest all their money into Super League shit takes. Diversify with promotion/relegation shit takes and make sure to backstop your investments with some short positions on the US Open Cup which is trading at an all time low. The markets never been hotter. You almost wonder if there’s a bubble that’ll pop and shit takes lose all their value but I think history has shown that’s never going to happen”’

The Nutmeg News will have more money on the price of “Shitting on everyone to make a point that does nothing but further entrench the opposition to you,” rises to an all time high.

MLS Creates Super League With Just Atlanta United, LAFC, And The Seattle Sounders

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced the formation of a three team Super League that would contain Atlanta United, Los Angeles FC and the Seattle Sounders.

“We are a league of the future and we think that this is a great idea. It definitely helps us concentrate on the teams that actually give us money,” said Don Garber sending a 500 million dollar Venmo request to each team. “There should be more exclusivity in our leagues, not less.”

Sources indicate that the decision was made based upon the amount of money each team and fanbase could be squeezed for while the league tries to finalize their games with Liga MX.

“Let’s be honest, playing Colorado on Wednesday is a drag,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “Why not just play the exciting teams in the exciting cities all the time and get paid more money to do so?”

The Nutmeg News will have more as the fans of all three teams have trouble deciding how to argue about attendance

$14 Beers Not Getting Man As Buzzed In Stadium As They Did Pre-Pandemic

LOS ANGELES - LAFC fan Edward Albertson stated that the $14 beers at the Banc were not getting him as buzzed in the stadium as they seemed to do pre-pandemic.

“I can’t think of why anything would’ve changed,” stated Albertson to The Nutmeg News. “Other than spending the last year stuck at home and coping with the state of the world by drinking more than usual, everything stayed the same.”

Albertson indicated that his tolerance has probably shifted up since he started working and living entirely from his 1 bedroom apartment, but that all he was doing was spending 4 hours a night drinking beer and playing FIFA, every night… for a year.

“I just didn’t think it would take me out of the game this much,” stated Albertson to The Nutmeg News. “It really costs $28 for two beers? This is highway robbery?! Have we always played this way? Who the hell is this team we are playing against? So THIS is sobriety.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Albertson vows to get sober in order to get drunk in the stadium again.

Bicycle Locked To FC Dallas Supporters Section Banned After Being Unable To Show Ticket

Frisco, TX - A bicycle locked to the FC Dallas supporters section was removed and banned after being unable to show a ticket for the event as the MLS season kicked off in full form.

Via @3rdDegreeNet

Stating, “HE HAD IT FUCKING COMING THE SCUMBAG,” stated Dallas security expert and former Police officer cadet in training Bryce Williams.

“HE JUST STOOD THERE AND LOOKED DANGEROUS,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. “I HIT HIM AS HARD AS I COULD AND THEN ASKED HIM TO SHOW A TICKET.”

According to sources, the bike was escorted from the match after being severely beaten and then questioned.

“I was just minding my business over at the line for Chipotle down the street,” stated the bike. “When suddenly they moved the fence I was attached to. I don’t honestly know what was going on.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league accuses the bike of being overtly political.

NWSL Will Use Fines From First Week To Fund New Team In San Diego

The National Women’s Soccer League (NWLS) stated that they will be using the total fines they took in from the first week of play in order to fund a new team in San Diego.

“We remain bullish on starting new teams across the United States and possibly even Canada if people keep on getting these fines,” stated Heather Snyder of the NWSL.

Sources indicate that the fines from the Portland Thorns v FC Kansas City game alone will be enough to buy land and start construction on a new stadium in San Diego.

“We are hopeful that this level of acrimony continues on and on,” stated one insider. “If we keep on fining people at this rate we are going to have teams in San Diego, Tulsa, Edmonton and Dallas!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL just offers a pre-fine contribution box for CERTAIN owners.

Second Pfizer Shot Gives Man Lightning Fast Access To Roja Directa Streams Without Popups

Billings, MT - After receiving his second Pfizer vaccine, soccer fan Alberto Hernandez noticed that he now has lightning fast access to Roja Directa which allows him to watch soccer streams without unending popups.

“It’s been amazing,” stated Hernandez to the Nutmeg News. “Since I got my shot I’ve been able to easily watch Champions League games, Bundesliga games, Premier League games without any issues. Whatever games I want will just play inside my head right behind my eyes.”

Hernandez stated that previously, when trying to watch a soccer game, he had to make certain that he was using a computer, not on wifi, on a VPN, using a pop up blocker and trying to control the endless metadata clickbait that would happen when he clicked on links. Since receiving the COVID-19 vaccine, the soccer fan stated that he is able to watch any game in the world at any time.

“I was just about to tweet at Atlanta United for their preseason game against the Accounting Department not being available in Montana, but before I pressed send the game was happening inside of my eyes. It’s incredible. Every soccer fan needs this shot.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez tries to open up a stream of CONCACAF Champions League game only to find out that it’s been blocked in his head.

Racing Louisville FC Extends Offer To Armin van Buuren To DJ Next Goal Celebration

Louisville, KY - Sources indicate that Racing Louisville FC reached out to a number of different targets with the ultimate goal of having trance DJ Armin van Buuren play music during the next goal celebration.

Before the beat drops.

“We’ve got the stadium, the lights, the atmosphere, all we need is some thumping trance music and we can have a real party,” stated Paul Lui, Louisville director of Musicology and Dope Beats.

According to sources with the NWSL team, tickets for upcoming games will include provisions for strobing lights, loud music, foam parties, and $10 themed well drinks.

“This whole thing is going to be an event,” stated Lui. “We are going to just have some added time at the end of the game, like 15 or 20 minutes so we can get a real good groove going on Turn The World Into A Dancefloor before we start playing again. The ball can’t drop until the beat does.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the team debates a glow stick and flame cannon night.