OPINION: Courage Is Leaving Your Family For Two Months To Play Sports For My Entertainment

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Sean Anderson of Youngstown, OH. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Anderson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

WEBSTERS defines courage as, mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.

And so we must ask ourselves whether those that decide to put the health and safety of their loved ones over the eternal war that is kicking a ball at speed for money can really define themselves as courageous at all.

When my grandfather, one of the greatest generation, faced down the hail of bullets as a member of the signal corps in Korea he did so understanding that his wife may never see him again.

Yet today, we see member after member from an entirely different kind of generation fail to pick up their duty and go into the line of battle, 11 v 11, mano a mano in order to maintain the health and safety of their loved ones. This is pure cowardice.

I DEMAND entertainment. I DEMAND the ability to not have to think about the world for 90 minutes. I DEMAND they ensure that the billionaires that run the sport do not lose 1% of their overall assets.

My brother-in-law didn’t do a tour in Kuwait in order for people like Carlos Vela and Nedum Onuoha to sit at home and protect their families.

My brother in law would’ve run out into the hail of balls being passed to him without wearing a mask while holding an American flag and a flamethrower daring the virus to take his lungs and give him deep vein thrombosis if he wasn’t spending most of his time trying to get the VA to approve his shoulder surgery to fix a long term injury that keeps him on disability and unable to do any manual labor which got him unceremoniously fired from his job 8 months after he returned.

Anyway, I am bored. And if the result of playing 2 months in Orlando is that a couple of 82 year old grandmothers and 23 year old soccer players have a chance of contracting COVID-19 then let’s PLAY BALL.

Thank you,

Sean Anderson

Youngstown, OH

MLS Announces New Health And Safety Initiative To Shut Down Rampant Spread Of MLSCovidCup Twitter Account

Orlando, FL - On the heels of FC Dallas being removed from the MLS Is BACK The TOURNAMENT due to a number of COVID-19 tests within the players and staff, Commissioner Don Garber announced a new health and safety initiative to shut down the rampant spread of the @MLSCovidCup Twitter account.

“Better parody than us.”

“The MLS Covid Cup account is thought to spread mainly through close contact from person-to-person,” stated Garber. “Some people without Twitter may be able to spread the account. We are still learning about how the account spreads and the severity it causes.”

Sources say that the league is concerned that the account is spreading among players in the bubble as well as spreading across the soccer landscape in North America.

“If this keeps up we will have to strongly consider the idea of cancelling the twitter accounts of all the players,” stated one anonymous insider. “The league knows that the account is highly contagious, like measles, while other twitter accounts do not spread so easily. They are concerned that the account may be spreading in other ways such as by touching a surface tablet or an object that has the account on it… like Facebook… and then touching their own mouth, nose or possibly their eyes. This is not thought to be the main way the account spreads, but we are still learning more about how this twitter account spreads.”

With a number of players testing positive and then negative for the Twitter account, sources indicate that Garber will instruct strict measures to ferret out the source of the account by possibly leaking false information to one person and seeing if that’s what ends up on the account.

“He’s gonna go full Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney up in this,” stated one league insider. “Just wait, there’s gonna be some crazy rumors coming out.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as scientists become concerned about the account spreading to players outside the bubble in other leagues.

FC Dallas Eliminated From MLS Playoffs

Orlando, FL - Commissioner Don Garber announced, today, that FC Dallas are eliminated from the 2020 MLS Playoffs after withdrawing from the MLS IS BACK THE TOURNAMENT.

“As the group stage counts toward regular season,” stated Garber to a Zoom Conference Call, “we can officially announce that FC Dallas will not be making the 2020 regular season playoffs which will ABSOLUTELY happen at some point this year.”

Fans in the Dallas area were disappointed at the situation as FC Dallas made the playoffs 5 out of the last 6 seasons.

“It’s pretty gutting,” stated sports fan Jacob Hannover. “But if the league is too afraid to play with our natural COVIDvantage then they shouldn’t get to experience the true freedom of shopping at a grocery store without a mask.”

Analysts say that this is just a byproduct of attempting to lend a sense of gravitas to an unusual situation by tying it to something that wasn’t guaranteed to happen as soccer historian Davd B. Burnham stated, “I can’t believe they thought this would actually all happen. They thought everything was going to just …. go on…. during a pandemic….. without a hitch? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, but about this so called regular season….”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas just considers pulling out of whatever the regular season will be as well.

Vancouver Whitecaps Admit They May Not Be Let Back Into Canada After Travelling To The MLS COVID Cup

Vancouver, BC - Sources with the Vancouver Whitecaps admit that they may not be let back into Canada after travelling to Orlando for the Major League Soccer (MLS) COVID Cup.

“We’ve had some discussions about it and it’s a risk we are willing to have our players take,” stated Whitecaps CEO, Sporting Director, Charity Consultant, Digital Rights Manager, and Social Media manager Axel Schuster. “It’s important for our team to be ready and prepared and we’ve calculated in the amount of players that we can have get sick while still being able to fulfill the sponsorship agreements that we have in place.”

Sources with the team indicate that the Whitecaps front office were told by the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA) that travel restrictions are still in place at all Canadian international border crossings.

“These measures will remain in place until at least July 21,” stated Jerry McKenzie with the CBSA. “We are under no obligation to let a bunch of super spreaders from one of the worst hit COVID areas back into our country. They can stay in Orlando indefinitely.”

According to the CBSA, Canadian citizens and permanent residents can continue to enter Canada by right, and are subject to COVID-19 entry screening measures including a possible 14 day quarantine. However, the CBSA indicated that anyone going to Orlando voluntarily should probably just play on buying property around the Gulf Coast and transitioning their career from a soccer player to a dissident shrimp boat captain.

For their part, the Whitecaps players remain excited to possibly be exposed to a deadly pandemic while being stuck in a hotel and waiting around to find out what happens next as a number of them stated, “yeah this is great,” while going back to scrolling through their phone trying to distract themselves from all of the rumors floating around the tournament.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this if the Whitecaps ever actually make it to the airplane to fly to Orlando.

Major League Soccer Announces The Double Trouble Bubble Bobble, An MLS Is Back The Tournament Initiative

Orlando, FL - From the depths of 26 floors down a disinfected elevator shaft, past a socially distanced guard dog named Brutus, down the hallway with a germ sensing laser grid and two retinal scanner door ways, Major League Soccer (MLS) commissioner Don Garber announced the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble, an MLS Is Back The Tournament initiative.

“I was blowing bubbles outside recently and two bubbles floated into each other and just kind of stuck together and that’s when I got an idea,” stated Garber to the collected reporters there by tele-presence. “we need multiple bubbles. So we’ve created the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble for players and staff.”

Sources indicate that the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble is much like the original MLS Bubble but better.

“It’s a lot better. It’s the best. It’s so much better than the original bubble because it means that the original bubble was shit! This is the best bubble, the second one. There’s no way that virus is getting inside THIS time.”

According to reports, FC Dallas will soon announce that they are part of the Double Trouble Bubble Bobble initiative and will still play their upcoming game in 7 days despite the multiple positive COVID-19 tests.

“The SECOND bubble will not fail us like the first bubble. That was an inferior bubble for some teams. The second bubble will certainly insulate teams and support staff from the very real situation that is the COVID-19 pandemic,” stated Garber.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players complain that the only food in the second bubble is dry toast and a protein shake.

FC Dallas Advertises For Midfield Help On TaskRabbit

Orlando, FL - After receiving a number of COVID-19 positive tests within the team, Major League Soccer side FC Dallas reportedly put out an advertisement for midfield help on the freelance labor marketplace TaskRabbit.

“They realized that the team was in danger of being entirely quarantined,” stated one anonymous source. “Since they can’t really sign anyone right now they asked for an allowance from Major League Soccer for temporary labor.”

The advertisement on TaskRabbit, which bills itself as an American online and mobile marketplace that matches freelance labor with local demand, asked for help with the midfield, defenders and forwards for the MLS team.

“Do you have futsal or FIFA experience? Ever had dreams of playing professional soccer? Well we have the job for you,” read the advertisement. “Must be COVID FREE or at least willing to take a test and must bring own boots and shinguards.”

Several general managers within the league raised the objection that this could be an end around on labor rules, but according to the league they will do literally anything at this point to keep the MLS IS BACK, the tournament…. running.

“They don’t care what has to happen,” stated one league source. “Every team could test positive and they would hire scabs. At this point, the tournament is going to happen come hell, high water or unseen viruses that could cause long term lung damage.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas discovers that a local uber driver used to play for IMG in Bradenton.

Woman Certain That Scrolling Through Her Social Media Feed For The 234th Time This Morning Will Make Her Happy

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Bridgette Coogan stated that she was absolutely certain that scrolling through her social media feed of Instagram, Twitter, Reddit and Facebook for the 234th time this morning would make her happy as she continued staring at the screen with a dazed look in her eyes.

“Ok, this time I’m going to find something good on this phone while I go outside on a walk”

“I know that somewhere there is something on here that will make me happy,” mumbled Coogan from under her comforter. “And I’m going to look all morning long if that’s what it takes.”

Coogan reportedly woke up at 6:30 am and grabbed her cell phone from her bedside table before settling into her daily routine of scrolling through everything, closing her phone, setting it on her bed, sighing, having her finger twitch, grabbing her phone, unlocking her phone and then beginning the process again.

“They say you should have a routine during times like this and I find that this really helps center me to the absolute unending despair that nearly everyone else is feeling in this country right now,” stated Coogan. “It’s really helpful to go online and find that nearly everything in this country is falling apart. It would be irresponsible to not look, right? I need to know. I can’t miss out. Remember the murder hornets?”

Coogan stated that she even finds it difficult to get excited for the upcoming MLSISBACK tournament as she stated, “it’s just another reminder of everything we are missing and putting the safety of the players that I love in jeopardy so billionaires won’t lose money.”

However, despite her sadness, Coogan stated that she was working hard to find the positives as she claimed, “at least my 85 year old grandfather is still alive and safe in the apartment attached to my parents house. Hopefully my parents don’t get sick because their healthcare coverage is terrible, mine is worse, and no one can afford to take care of anyone right now.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coogan starts the 9:00 hour by unfriending a high school acquaintance who posts racist comments on George Floyd and looking for the updated COVID-19 numbers from Florida and California.

Schrodinger's Anthem Challenges Philosophers Across Utah

Herriman, UT - Philosophers across Utah are reportedly challenged by Schrodinger’s Anthem, the premise that if no one observes the National Anthem of the United States being played before an NWSL game it is impossible to determine if the Anthem is alive or dead or merely on an extended saxophone solo.

“With the NWSL mandating that players do not need to attend the anthem playing, and the fact that there will be no fans or support staff on the field it begs the question of how will we determine if there even IS an anthem,” stated University of Utah philosopher Caroline Deitrich. “The anthem is both played and unplayed in this situation. According to the Copenhagen interpretation, a quantum system remains in superposition until it interacts with, or is observed by the external world. However, if the external world does not observe the anthem then it asks the question of whether the anthem has actually been played?”

Philosophers with Brigham Young University argued that there would, perhaps, be present one who could perceive the anthem at all times as they rubbished the idea of Schrodinger’s interpretations of the mathematics of quantum mechanics as pure poppycock.

“Of course we know that the anthem has been played for it has always been played and therefore shall always be played by DJs before sporting events before their mid afternoon shift at the Red Iguana,” stated BYU professor James Harbottle. “To assume that something doesn’t exist implies that it DOES exist and therefore I say that they do play the anthem even if the anthem is not observed.”

Philosophers with Utah State University reportedly disagreed with this theory advanced by BYU as professor James Gray stated, “Technically someone has to be there to play it so are they playing it for themselves? Maybe someone driving by would have to hear it? If we do not perceive music, does it exist? Does anything exist? A bird might fly by overhead, so I guess they'd be able to hear it, but do birds perceive music? This was my dissertation, by the way. What if the bird did not land? Do we have unpatriotic eagles in this country? What about hawks? Do Hawks read Kant?"

For their part, the NWSL indicated that they would have a remote bionic arm, created by Elon Musk, that would start and stop the anthem so that they woudln’t require someone to play or observe the anthem that did not want to play or observe the anthem while indicating, as well, that the anthem was still being played so that they don’t appears as a godless anti-american force of evil hell bent on bringing about the apocalypse and taco trucks on every corner.

“It’s important to us that we keep our standing as a patriotic league for patriotic people even if that means that we are going to play the anthem for the growing grass,” stated Commissioner Lisa Baird. “After all, that grass remains standing so we KNOW it’s patriotic that way.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL announces that it would announce when the anthem is playing so that all people online can take a moment to reflect upon their own patriotism.

NWSL Player 'Squats' During Anthem To Kind-Of Show Support

Salt Lake City, UT - Reports from the opening weekend of the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) indicate that midfielder Patricia Wachovia decided to squat during the National Anthem to kind-of show support.

A moment from the opening NWSL games.

“I didn’t want to stand because I feel like Black Lives kind-of Matter,” stated the veteran player, “but at the same time what about our troops? What about ALL the lives in this country? They matter too. I just thought it’d be smarter to stand AND kneel since both sides make great points.”

According to Wachovia, her uncle was in the marines 20 years ago and her brother belongs to a lot of Blue Lives Matter Facebook groups and she didn’t want to disrespect their sacrifices.

“On one hand I want to support my black teammates, but on the other hand what if they are just making it all up like Uncle Jimmy always says……… hmm…. decisions……”

According to Wachovia, this dilemma that she faced sent her into an existential spiral as she re-evaluated all her decisions.

She posted, “I love Rihanna and the Savage remix but like… what if it’s all for attention? I have black friends and they never told me about this stuff,” to Instagram with a picture of her with a confused face and a second picture of her in an ice bath after the game.

“Anyway, this is why I don’t like politics,’ stated Wachovia. “It makes everyone upset, and then people are looting a Panera and I can’t get lunch. People are being used and I wish they could see that it’s really BOTH sides that are the problem.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Patricia tells her teammate that she doesn’t see color when making her decisions.

Portland Thorns Player Finds Out She's Been Traded When She Performs Opening Day Tik-Tok Mirror Wipe Meme

Portland, Or - Portland Thorns rookie Madison Winter reportedly found out that she’s been traded to Sky Blue FC when she performed the mandated Tik-Tok mirror wipe meme for the NWSL opening weekend brought to you by Secret deodorant.

This is quickly surpassing the LAFC hat reveal.

“I thought that when I did that I would show up in a Thorns kit,” stated Winter to The Nutmeg News. “But apparently I’ve been traded to Sky Blue.”

Sources with the Thorns state that they figured that Winter would find out one way or the other, but that having her show up in Sky Blue kit would be a fun way to find out that she would not be playing for the Thorns this season.

“We’ve had a lot of players leave the team this year,” stated one anonymous staff member. “This made the experience a lot more fun for everyone involved.”

For her part, Winter stated that she was excited to play for Sky Blue, but still wondered if the way in which she was traded was appropriate.

“I suppose it’s all part of being a professional but I find the whole thing very weird,” stated Winter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Winter finds out that she was released from Sky Blue by trying to wipe on the mirror in her room in Utah.

Disney World Housekeeper Making $11.87 Per Hour Unaware He Is The Key To The Successful Return Of Major League Soccer

Orlando, FL - Steven Stewart, a Disney World housekeeper making $11.87 per hour, is reportedly unaware that he is the key to the successful return of Major League Soccer.

They were WAY off on that whole world of tomorrow thing.

"I went to pick up groceries, and I’m going to hit the lake this weekend,” stated Stewart to The Nutmeg News. “I’m already a bit nervous to head back to work, but I need the paycheck.”

Stewart has been supplementing his paycheck while Disney World was closed by driving for Uber, Lyft, Grubhub, and Doordash as he tries to continue paying his bills.

“I’m on my own and I’m only 29 so I’m not really worried about it,” stated Stewart. “Honestly, It’s only really making older people sick. The main thing I’ve done is that I stopped going over to my grandma’s house. Just in case. But I still need to make ends meet.”

Experts say that younger people still need to be worried about being carriers of the disease, as well as, suffering the consequences from a pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands of people. However, for his part, Stewart says, “Look, I can social distance in the restaurants and the bar. I haven’t gotten sick so far. I think it’s overblown. Honestly, does someone like me need to wear a mask? I’m not hurting anyone.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart commutes into Disney World to work on cleaning the rooms of Sporting Kansas City players.

5 Reasons To Buy The July Issue of Hooligan's Health

At Hooligan’s Health, we talk a lot about functional hooliganing and holistic supporters groups. Fuel is fuel to power your supporting; and balaclavas are a nutritional payload to bolster energy and fend off disease unless you wear it too long and then you get like mold or something.

But there's no shame in admitting that supporting well can also have aesthetic pay-offs. No matter what the Instagram critics may say, an interest in one’s supporters group and appearance within that system is not inherently more superficial than caring about, say, your ability to start a chant. It's possible to care about your image within the supporters group while simultaneously enjoying the game you see on the pitch.

Our July Balaclava Issue prizes balaclavas for all its functions – from our beginner's guide to going on ultras-tifo forums and an in-depth look at intermittent flares, to what the fuck is that whole cheeky nandos thing. If you're hungry to know exactly what good hooliganing can do for you, tuck in.

Fasting Flares on Trial

Right now, the biggest trend in supporters groups is forgoing flares entirely. But there's more to intermittent flares than skipping your morning pyro. Our bite-size guide will ensure going without always gives you what you want.

The Only 4 Exercises You Need

...To run from Major League Scurity. From actually running to running faster than a rental cop and real-world evading the police, all destinations can be reached via four basic movement patterns. Here's how to nail them, then tailor them to your personal goals of lighting off pyro and getting away with it.

Convincing Your Friends You Met Alex Morgan

A current USWNT superstar, Alex Morgan has enjoyed a high-octane career masterminding goal scoring in hostile environments. Now it’s your turn to step into the spotlight as a rising star of small-screen adventure that you TOTALLY shared with her on the Venice boardwalk one time when you guys went to get tacos and talk about life. Right? RIGHT?! She shares the secrets to her mental and physical grit.

How To Get The Best Out Of Your Created Character In FIFA 2020

It's the training plan with scientific fat on its bones. But is it the right fit for you? Our primer and simple recipe book will give you plenty to chew on while guiding your created player to the heights of the world of football…. on easy mode.

The Zack-Steffen-Lash Begins

From Duane Holmes to Alfredo Morales, it's a boom time for the USMNT hype industry, with many of us forgoing three square meals in favour of day-long grinds at finding the usable ancestor of a player in the 2nd division of the Chinese super league. Come with us as we tell you about the rising stars that your friends haven’t heard of that play for teams that you can’t watch on any stream anywhere.

American Liverpool Fan Hasn't Been This Happy Since He Discovered The Team Last Year

LOS ANGELES - Watching Liverpool win their first Premier League title, American Liverpool fan Phil Hughes stated that he hasn’t been this happy since he discovered the team during their Champions League run in 2019.

First a champions league victory and then this? What else is there to win!? No seriously, is there anything else?

“It’s been a long time, this drought,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News, “but at long last we can claim our moment in the sun.”

According to friends and family, Hughes decided to follow Liverpool after watching them play in the 2019 Champions League campaign.

“Since then he’s been a passionate fan,” stated good friend David Thornberry. “He really has tried to watch some of the games this season despite having to get them from illegal streaming sites.”

Hughes stated that he would gladly add in a Premier League champions scarf to his den as he passionately talked about his connection to the team.

“I’ve always liked some Beatles songs that my grandpa played for me so it just makes sense,” stated Hughes. “I didn’t even know that they had a city you could visit. Amazing. Hopefully I’ll be able to visit one day when they lift the ban on allowing Americans into the country.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes rubs this victory in the face of friend and Manchester City fan Darryl Sanders who started following the team two years ago when he was listening to a lot of Oasis.

"I'm Back" Fax by Brek Shea Sent To Real Estate Company By Mistake

An attempt to put Major League Soccer (MLS) and the players within on notice went awry, today, as new Inter Miami player Brek Shea’s attempt to channel basketball great Michael Jordan went tragically wrong by sending an “I’m Back” fax to the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) instead.

We’ve been asking ourselves this for so many years now.

“I thought I had the right number still,” stated Shea to The Nutmeg News. “You take one year off from the league and everything changes.”

Sources indicate that Shea was very surprised when he got a return fax asking to which MLS number he was referring.

“I didn’t know who Brek Shea was,” said Mary Morgan, a real estate agent in North Dakota, “but I do have some ranch properties on the market and I’d love to do a showing for him.”

According to Dick Reynolds, of Big Reynolds Real Estate, he has a number of cozy investment bungalows to show Shea.

“There’s a lot of great properties in the Pahrump area. GREAT properties. Minutes from Death Valley. Very desirable for long term rentals.”

For his part, Shea stated that he wasn’t interested in a long term purchase yet until he figures out whether he can afford to buy in Fort Lauderdale or Weston.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Orlando real estate agents prepare for the new Open House Is Back Tournament coinciding with MLS Is Back brought to you by BodyArmorPaninis. Panini’s WITH POWER for your open house or your rondos. Kickoff at 8:00 am EST

Atlanta United Releases Official Statement Vowing To Play Gucci Mane In Place Of National Anthem

Atlanta, GA - Major League Soccer (MLS) club Atlanta United released an official statement, today, vowing to play Gucci Mane in place of the national anthem before home games.

Atlanta United owner Arthur Blank stated that while he was patriotic like every American that he felt that disconnected from the forced patriotism of the anthem and was searching for a way to connect to the local community.

“Mr. Mane really speaks to the youths of our area,” stated Blank to The Nutmeg News. “I called him up and I said, ‘Mr. Mane? Gooch? Can I call you Gooch? We all know what it’s like to got two foreign hoes in Italy that DM you. We all know what it’s like to drop the top when it’s cold but you feel the heat. That’s why we are offering to play your music in place of the national anthem and we want to offer you and your family 10% off patio umbrellas at Home Depot for Independence Day,’ and I’ll tell you what….. Mr Mane was thrilled at the chance to have his music presented before the home games.”

Blank, who was looking up what, “Looking in my pockets, it’s filled with blue hundreds,” meant stated that he was incredibly devoted to making sure that Atlanta started to “rep the set” more.

“Mr. Mane will be incredibly important to moving patriotism from this nation to pride in this city. We will definitely be, ‘cooking in the kitchen,’ on this going forward BRR BRR.”

According to insiders, Blank will also be meeting with the gameday presentation team to make sure games, “got dat bass.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Blank steps in to settle a beef between Migos and Joe Budden.

Area Dickhead Thrilled With Opportunity To Hate On Women's Soccer Again

Denver, CO - Area dickhead Chad Anderson stated that he was thrilled with the opportunity to hate on women’s soccer again with the NWSL starting back up this weekend.

WOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo It’s that time again to belittle people and their passions!

Friends of Anderson state that the soccer fan, who only watches Serie A games in which Paulo Dybala plays, was in poor spirits over the last few months.

“We could all see that he was depressed,” stated good friend Paul Stewart. “We told him to try to go online and tell USWNT fans that their team could be beaten by 10 year old boys; but he just didn’t have it in his heart with all the sports stopped.”

Anderson reportedly shrugged off his malaise when he realized the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) was returning this weekend as he grabbed his phone and logged back into his Twitter and Reddit accounts in order to belittle and insult every fan of Women’s soccer he could find.

“It’s not really a sport,” posted Anderson online as he felt a slow relief wash over himself. “They don’t have the same skill and really shouldn’t be paid at all. Studies prove that men are tactically superior. My cousin couldn’t make his varsity high school team and he is better than Tobin Heath.”

Sources at his cross-fit gym indicate that Anderson spent the good portion of his workout huddled over in the corner with a smile on his face as he ritualistically insulted a 14 year old fan of the USWNT by calling her passion in life a, “total fraud because no one wants to watch women try to play sports.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the dickheads that never left come out in force.

NWSL Leadership Demand That The Orlando Pride Test Less Employees So They Have Fewer Positive COVID-19 Results

Salt Lake City, UT - On site from their tactical support center in Utah, the NWSL leadership group reportedly demanded that the Orlando Pride test less for COVID-19 so that they have fewer positive COVID-19 results and can play in the upcoming NWSL tournament.

“You wouldn’t have to drop out if you didn’t know that players and staff were positive,” stated the NWSL to Pride management. “If you are concerned about the high numbers of COVID-19 cases, then just stop testing altogether and you will find that you WONT have any more positive test results.”

After suffering a number of positive COVID-19 tests among both players and staff, the Orlando Pride announced that they would not be taking the field in the upcoming NWSL Challenge Cup.

“We can’t in good conscience expose anyone to our team and staff,” stated one Pride staff member.

However, senior leadership with the league decried such caution.

“If they didn’t want results then they shouldn’t have started testing, I think this is quite obvious,” stated one anonymous staffer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL considers starting a team of scabs called the Norlando Shmide.

FC Dallas Fans Send Lists Of Excuses For President Trump To Use Regarding Low Rally Attendance

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fans used to seeing overstated attendance targets and half empty venues reportedly sent a list of excuses for President Trump to use regarding the low rally attendance in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

President Donald Trump on stage at a campaign rally at the BOK Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on Saturday.

Associated Press

“Our average attendance was 14,842, last year, but that really only reflects the tickets sold,” stated FC Dallas fan Chase Williams. “Admittedly, we haven’t really had many games recently where we ONLY get 6,200 people, but we have a laundry list of pre-built excuses in place that the President can use if he is so inclined.”

According to the list sent to the Whitehouse, some of the more common excuses that could be used for the low rally attendance were as follows:

• The BOK Center needed to be closer to the actual city center

• They didn’t advertise to the local community

• FOX doesn’t have good viewing angles and the mics are not near the passionate supporters.

• That picture showed the empty side because everyone moved over to the side of the arena that was in the shade

• It was 300 degrees Kelvin and there were 4 clouds so people decided to stay inside with their air conditioners

• The GOP didn’t get the local Hispanic community involved

• House Hunters International was having a marathon at the same time as the game/rally

• It was a waning crescent moon and that really affects attendance

• Dan Hunt was probably involved

• Ardent fans of populist demagogues stayed at home to watch a Bolsonaro match in the Brazilian leagues

Our reporters reached out to the Whitehouse but they stated, “no comment.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans of the GOP state that the ratings were low because too many Trump supporters were having watch parties in bars.

MLS Ownership Group Debates Intentionally Infecting Players With A COVID-19 Party

NEW YORK - The ownership committee that interfaces with the league front office of Major League Soccer (MLS) has reportedly been embroiled in a debate about intentionally infecting players with a COVID-19 party (brought to you by BodyArmour) after seeing the recent increasing number of cases in Florida.

We could just try smothering everyone in strawberry hand sanitizer!

“The only way to protect our chil….er…. um….. players is to gather them all together and get them infected as soon as possible,” stated the owner of one Eastern conference team. “We must defeat this by exposing everyone all at once.”

With doctors, epidemiologists, and experts recommending against doing this in any capacity one Western Conference team owner operator stated, “What do they know? Do they have a billion dollars? Then I think they should shut up. I know what’s best for my staff.”

Insiders indicate that the league would plan on having small groups of players lured to a conference room with the promise of group eggs and a half-price breakfast burrito bar before locking them inside with an infected member of the general population for an hour.

“We NEED to make certain that we grab the spotlight while we can,” stated one owner. “Admittedly the soccer MAY suffer if everyone is coughing, feverish and short of breath; but we would be the only league other than the NWSL to be playing right now. We need to be grabbing that ESPN + and local cable affiliate viewership numbers when everyone isn’t watching Korean Baseball.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as paranoid players fight the urge for the “Free granola bar buffet” signs.

Paper Bag Sales Spike As Whitecaps Fans Prepare For Upcoming Games

Vancouver, BC - Retailers state that paper bag sales spiked in the broader Vancouver area as Whitecaps fans prepare for upcoming games.

GERRY KAHRMANN / PNG - Article Here

“The only way to truly convey my utter and unending despair with this situation is a paper bag,” stated one anonymous supporter. “It’s time. We’ve hit Cleveland Browns territory.”

Fans of the Whitecaps have slowly been losing any kind of confidence in the ownership of the team as they teeter towards irrelevance in the local market after a gangbuster and tumultuous first few seasons.

“If I wanted to watch an endlessly frustrating team that shit the bed all the time I would’ve kept my Canucks tickets,” stated James Demarr of Burnaby. “I’m just going to take up mountain biking instead.”

One area fan stated that it was, “About time. WELCOME TO MY HELL BOYS. I’VE BEEN BAGGING IT UP SINCE 2019!”

The Whitecaps front office responded by stating, “we love our fans and they will love our new season as we strive towards winning the MLSCUPISBACK tournament with some of the same players that lost to Calgary in the Canadian Championship.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue their virtual and social distancing protest of not giving a shit.