MLS Announces Plan To Roll Players Through Orlando Airport In Hermetically Sealed Inflatable Plastic Balls

EDITORS NOTE: It’s been reported that the numbers of 250 of 500 were conflated from two reports and the actual number of positive tests are far lower. However, that doesn’t stop the idea of Carlos Vela walking in a blow up bubble through a TSA body scanner any less funny. So, just deal with it and use your imagination.

NEW YORK - In light of the recent testing that showed 250 of 500 Orlando airport workers tested were infected with COVID-19, Major League Soccer announced a plan to protect all the players flying to the MLS IS BACK TOURNAMENT by rolling them through the airport in hermetically sealed inflatable plastic balls.

“This NEW COVID-19 policy will ensure the safety of our players and staff,” stated commissioner Don Garber. “We take safety as the highest priority and it’s very important to us that we actually fly to the location before any specific team has an outbreak. We believe that there will be enough air to get them to Orlando as long as we don’t have a layover.”

Insiders state that the league has requested a larger TSA scanner that will accommodate the inflatable plastic balls, and they plan on slightly deflating the balls once upon the plane in order to ensure that the players can fit.

“If someone doesn’t fit they will just put them in the cargo hold,” stated one insider. “We are already negotiating a first class, business class, low class option with the MLS Players Union. We got the idea from our scheduled viewing of Soul Plane.”

For their part, the players say that they are skeptical that this will work, but there is supposedly a split between players with the means to purchase and tailor their plastic bubble versus those that will just be forced into whatever the league can find.

“It’s all well and good that Chicharito can have a Louis Vuitton plastic bubble, but what about me,” stated one anonymous player.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as they are forced to abandon players from FC Cincinnati after the structural integrity on their bubbles fail.

Fort Worth Vaqueros Announce Buy One - Tear Gas One Promotion

Fort Worth, TX - In honor of their partnership with the Fort Worth Police Officers Association, the Forth Worth Vaqueros announced a Buy One - Tear Gas One promotion when they return to play.

“We are planning a whole day around our support of the Fort Worth Police Officers Association,” stated the Vaqueros in an online conversation. “This carnival will give everyone the opportunity to truly meet the FWPOA. Why as a fan you can have your head cracked in by a police baton, you can see what it’s like to get to inhale tear gas in the street, and you can have your neighbor arrested for no reason other than simply being Black in Tarrant County.”

According to supporters of the Vaqueros, they still can’t believe that the NPSL side decided to continue with the jersey sponsorship on the day of George Floyds funeral.

However, the team forged ahead stating, “Frankly, we don’t give a flying fuck about the opinions of our fans.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Vaqueros announce a Salute To ICE night.

Vancouver Whitecaps Announce Attempt To Streamline Into CPL Team

Vancouver, BC - The Vancouver Whitecaps announced, today, a new attempt to streamline into a Canadian Premier League (CPL) team over the next 2 years.

“We are thankful to Mark Pannes for all his positive contributions to the club the last few months,” stated the communication from Whitecaps co-owner Jeff Mallett. “However, as we streamline our process into a CPL team we don’t feel the need for a passionate leader of his caliber.”

According to insiders, the Whitecaps ownership groups have long regretted moving to Major League Soccer where more is expected of them by their fanbase.

“They thought it was just…. you know…. going to work,” stated one insider. “Once they realized it wasn’t just working anymore, and that the fans were growing upset by the lack of any kind of concrete direction or responsibility over the last 10 years, the ownership group decided to start liquidating players, combining job specifications and preparing for a future transition to the Canadian Premier League. They’ve even sent our feelers to the NPSL as the local rivalry with Whitehorse would give them an immediate rival.”

For their part, the Whitecaps FC executive staff stated that they were confident that their fanbase would love the transition.

“Mark Pannes had grand ideas and proposals,” stated Mallett. “However, we know our fans think of this whole soccer thing as just being a little part of their day. And with this experience being a little part of their day it is only right for us to transition to a league that supports our level of aspiration. I tell you what we are gonna streamline like we’ve never streamlined before. We are gonna stream and then line. We are gonna streamline so much you will think we are fly fisherman, but we won’t be fly fishing because we will be streamlining. STREAMLINE. STREAM. LINE. STREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Canadian Premier League turn the Whitecaps expansion bid down for not thinking big enough.

THE DREAM OF THE 80s! Will Soccer Finally Distract A Nation Under Siege From Police Brutality, Racial Division, A Global Pandemic, Economic Inequality, And Plummeting Confidence?

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

”Helz Yeah, bro! LESS THINKIN, MORE DRINKIN! ”

Soccer is BACK, just like my Chlamydia!

Forum Post By Big Soccer User AquaTeenYoungerHorse Solves All The Problems With US Soccer, COVID-19, And Racism

INTERNET - According to the only sources still reading the forum, a post by Big Soccer user AquaTeenYoungerHorse on page 219 of the Coronavirus, Nationwide Arena Deal and everything else is the Crew's Fault thread reportedly solved all the problems with US Soccer, COVID-19 and Racism as he detailed an expansive methodology to fix the United States.

“It’s too bad this is buried amidst jokes about the season, observations on Gelato and comments about Ohio in general,” stated one anonymous user. “This post really spoke a truth WITH solutions to the whole country.”

With the forums increasingly a place to hang out for fans of teams that started in MLS v 1.0 and angry USMNT fans looking for dual citizenship prospects in the junior league of Albania, frequent users of Big Soccer were startled to find a coherent post detailing all the measures that should be put in place to solve the current pandemic, US Soccer, and 400 years of racism.

“Frankly, I didn’t think we were still taking anything on here seriously,” stated Big Soccer user BlackAndGoald “At the very least I’m pretty amazed that I made it through 218 different pages arguing about the nuances of the spread of the virus, using a gun for home defense, vicious name calling, thread drift and various gripes about literally everything before making it to this one. I’m guessing that we will go another 200 or so threads before we get a comment that is as informative as this one again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Big Soccer users start tearing apart all the arguments and calling the user out for previous posts.

Streaming Numbers Worry Man That MLS Hasn't Caught Up To Playstation 5

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan and gaming enthusiast Jerry Williams stated that he was, “worried that the streaming numbers show that MLS hasn’t caught up to Playstation 5.”

“The bracket selection of the new MLS Is Back Tournament had 4 thousand people streaming,” stated Williams to The Nutmeg News, “but the PlayStation 5 announcement had more than 91,000. That’s like San Jose Earthquakes v DC United territory for one stream on one streaming service. I can't believe MLS would just let something new like the PS5 dominate it on its 25th anniversary. The PS5 isn't even out yet and my friends are talking more about it than the upcoming Rapids vs Minnesota game. They obviously don't care about how this sport is seen."

Williams said that he is worried that MLS isn't even pulling Twitch Let's Play numbers.

"I realized we are competing against weekend Smash Ultimate tournaments. Who is running this league exactly? Maybe they should start playing games WHILE the games are going on! We could have Jordan Morris streaming Stardew Valley from the bench. "

The Nutmeg News will have more as Williams desperately searches Twitter for some popular Seattle fan named Ellie.

The NPSL Unveils The "We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back" Tournament To Be Held At The Howard Johnson Holidome In Lima, Ohio

In a released memorandum, the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) unveiled their new tournament named the, “We are also back, the NPSL is back” Tournament.

“The National Premier Soccer League is proud to announce the We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back tournament to be held at the Howard Johnson Holidome in Lima, Oh off of I-75 and next to the Cracker Barrel,” stated the press release. “In some locations we are back and able to train, but in other locations we are still not able to train. By consolidating all the teams that still exist in one location we can guarantee that they can train and play meaningful games.”

The memorandum indicates that the NPSL tournament will be held at the Howard Johnson in Lima, a former Holiday Inn Holidome location.

“Our athletes and staff will be sequestered entirely within the world of the Howard Johnson,” stated the NPSL release. “We will be turning this former Holidome into a Biodome where players and their families can relax and frolic without ever being let outside. Any inside/outside connections will be bricked over to keep out pesky germs and all of our staff will be kept safe (and inside) from COVID-19 by armed guard.”

Sources indicate that the NPSL staff were not particularly thrilled about this but there was an attempt to negotiate discounted mini-golf fees to alleviate the forced imprisonment at the Howard Johnson.

“We are excited to be back as the We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back Tournament kicks off in July,” stated the press release. “Spread it loud for all to hear! We Are Also Back, The NPSL Is Back Tournament.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NPSL also issues a press release after the tournament starts that announces the, “Did You Forget About Our Tournament Tournament.”

MLS Releases 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct For Upcoming Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) Commissioner Don Garber announced that the league is proactively making certain that the empty seats at the ESPN Wide World Of Sports location will be on their best behavior for July's upcoming tournament return as the league released the 2020 Empty Seats Code Of Conduct.

“You’re not singing over there! You’re not singing over there!”

“Can you hear the stadium seats ohhh ohhh!”

"Obviously the safety of our players is paramount. We need to make sure empty seats are creating a safe atmosphere for the staff and each other at these games,” stated Garber to The Nutmeg News. “The world will be watching us and we need to make sure that empty seats aren’t showing a side of this league that will decrease our corporate investments.”

The code of conduct includes a clarification on the conduct, signage and language that is not permitted at league events during the upcoming tournament, including:

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney in the cavernous doomsday bunker underneath Tomorrowland.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing “Song Of The South”.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images referencing the crows from Dumbo.

• Any mention of the caricatures of native Americans in Peter Pan.

• Displaying signs, symbols, images disparaging ESPN+.

As well, the league made an addendum to the prohibited items list which now reads:

• Any bags larger than the approved 14” x 14” x 6”

• Weapons of any kind including, but not limited to, knives, pepper spray, stun guns, concealed weapons and firearms

• Fireworks of any kind including, but not limited to, flares, smoke bombs, incendiary devices and pyrotechnics

• Illegal drugs or harmful chemicals

• Any missile or object that can be used as a projectile

• Aerosol cans or pressurized containers

• Professional camera equipment, including but not limited to, tripods, battery packs, large commercial video cameras

• Noisemakers, including, but not limited to, whistles and horns

• Laser pointers

• Remote controlled aircraft or unmanned aircraft systems (drones)

• Hover-boards

• Selfie sticks

• Inflated soccer balls

• Beach balls or other inflatable items

• Animals (excluding certified service animals with proper documentation)

• Any other items deemed to be inappropriate and/or dangerous by the Venue Security Representative

• Fans of any team

MLS officials worked together with themselves to develop portions of the Fan Code of Conduct without feedback from other organizations.

"We haven’t received any negative feedback from the chairs and empty spaces where fans typically would congregate so we figure this is the best way to go about this situation.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer accuses the empty seats of failing to show up for the OPS call in advance of the tournament.

MLS Announces New FastPass+ Option For Disney World Tournament

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a new FastPass+ option for their upcoming Disney World Tournament as they detailed their bold rule changes.

For some players, being this close to goal may actually be a problem.

“The FastPass+ option,” stated the league wide memo, “will allow players who have purchased the option an opportunity to ‘skip-the-offside-line’ on three goal attempts during one game. Unlike at Disneyland, a player can grab these skip-the-offside-line entries well in advance of their game. Players have the option of booking 60 days before the first game provided they are quarantined in an official Disney-operated hotel.”

According to sources, the FastPass+ option will be regulated by an official Disney World app that can be accessed in advance.

“Players should book their FastPass+ option as early as possible to reserve the time-slot that works for their goal attempt,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “However, there will be the possibility of in-game fast-pass reservations after each of the players use or decline their allotted 3 FastPass.”

Major League Soccer officials indicate that players on the field will be wearing branded team Magic Bands that will allow them to independently claim an additional FastPass+ from a Disney World FastPass+ kiosk.

“Players will be required to run off the field to make this selection so they will need to be tactical about who goes off the field and which reservation they get. FastPass+ reservations will be honored if made before the game is over or until all the slots are used up. Any FastPass+ reservations held over into stoppage time will be appended to the end of the game in a shootout fashion where an animatronic Abraham Lincoln will attempt to score a goal on an unpaid Disney Cast Member dressed as Uncle Remus.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS allows fans the ability to watch the games for free if they pay for a $399 tournament subscription.

Timbers Army Empower New Committee To Form A Committee To Analyze Work Of The Committee On Diversity

Portland, OR - Looking to resolve the problem of a lack of respect shown to marginalized members within their ranks, the 107ist and the Timbers Army announced that they will empower a new committee to form a committee to analyze the work on the committee on diversity.

“We need to really understand the black experience, anyone know anyone? Wait… Heather… didn’t you write your thesis on the lyrical influence of the albums of Kanye West when you attended Reed?”

“After consulting with our consulting committee, we decided to form a committee to help form a committee to analyze the work of the committee on diversity. Our agreeance committee has agreed to this notion,” stated the announcement. “We’ve worked our way through Roberts Rules of Order which state that, ‘A Committee is a body of one or more persons appointed or elected by an assembly or society to consider, or investigate, or take action in regard to, certain matters or subjects, or to do all of these things,’ and we feel that our committee to form a committee to analyze the works of the committee on diversity falls under that purview. We read some post highlighting these issues and our hearts broke. That's not the 107ist and Timbers Army way. We immediately knew we had to form a committee on this but also another committee to make sure we keep that committee accountable. In order to form that committee we needed to gather together another committee to ensure that the correct members are appointed to the first committee to keep the committee accountable.”

The message to the membership continued to state, “Yes, all of our committee committee committee members are white, but the diversity committee that we are trying to form will help make that change as we reach out to the committee committee members to help detail who we need to add to make the committee on diversity a diversified committee. We promise to have a thorough report available when the committee delivers their report on the work of the committee investigating the committee in approximate 12 to 18 months. In the meantime, you will definitely see T.I.F.O showing that we are changing. Our T.I.F.O committee will make sure of that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the committee chairman on diversity claims that there is no limit to the number of times a member may speak, and unless the committee is very large, it is not necessary for any one to rise and address the chair before making a motion or speaking, nor does the chairman rise to put the question, nor does he leave the chair to speak or make motions, nor are motions seconded. 

Supporters Group Veteran Can't Believe Lack Of Passion At Protest

Atlanta, GA - Brogan Monroe, a 22 year old aspiring YouTube star and Atlanta United supporters group member, stated he couldn't believe the difference in passion over the last few marches as he blamed new people in the scene for the alleged dip in intensity.

“I watched the Malcolm X movie 2 times this week to get ready,” stated Monroe to The Nutmeg News. “It seemed like nobody else put in the same thought to getting ready for these things. If you can’t show passion for 90 minutes, you don’t belong here. Protest somewhere else.”

Monroe was seen at the most recent march yelling instructions at people about how to keep up flags and instructing them in chants as he tried to levy his supporters group experience into something tangible.

“STOP DOING THE WAVE, YOU AMATEURS,” screamed Monroe at a group of protesters putting their hands up. “I didn’t listen to Chapo Trap House talk about the I Have A Dream speech while doing my core workout just to watch all of you sit on your hands,” screamed Monroe to a group of protesters with zip tied hands being arrested by the police.

Monroe noted how certain people with megaphones brought down the atmosphere as he stated, "some of the people were talking about their lives instead of starting the 2 minute Black Lives Matter chant to the tune of 'Going Underground’ I wrote. You could just tell it was taking away from the energy"

"You know it’s frustrating,” stated Monroe. “I started a 'Ciao Bella' chant and nobody joined in. These new protesters just aren't keeping up. As someone who's been watching protests since 2010 in Europe, the passions just not the same here. It’s really hard to replicate here.”

The Nutmeg News will hopefully have more as Monroe is currently calling an urgent board meeting on this issue.

Woman Not Certain If Weeping Man Was Pepper Sprayed, Lost A Relative To COVID-19, Or Found Out MLS Is Losing A Billion Dollars

WASHINGTON - Andrea Miller admitted she wasn’t entirely certain if the man that boarded the Metro at the Fort Totten stop was weeping because he was pepper sprayed, lost a relative to COVID-19 or just found out that MLS may lose a billion dollars this year.

“Well, he was wearing a D.C. United kit so maybe he is just sad that all these billionaires have a chance to be slightly less wealthy,” stated Miller to The Nutmeg News.

In remarks earlier today, Commissioner Garber indicated that the league may lose a billion dollars this season due to the pandemic.

“He was staring at his phone, but he had red eyes,” indicated Miller. “So maybe he was reading about the loss. Of course it’s entirely possible that he lost a loved one to this global pandemic. Or maybe he was out protesting against police brutality and the police pepper sprayed him. Maybe they even tear gassed him. I don’t know. I do know that these days it’s hard to tell which is the bigger tragedy between the global pandemic, the rampant and predictable police brutality and the inability of MLS to take in money from ticket sales.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miller attends a mandatory zoom meeting about layoffs while thinking about poor Robert Kraft losing money.

Chicago Fire Celebrates Diversity And Inclusion With European Heritage Night

Chicago, IL - The Chicago Fire have proudly announced that they are going to be changing their tune going forward and will be celebrating diversity and inclusion in the soccer community by putting a spotlight on all the different nationalities of Europe in the stands and on the field.

“You don't really hear about these demographics in the soccer world like Polish people or British people,” Club President Nelson Rodriguez said,” we took a look in our stands and we wanted everyone to feel like they are represented equally. Especially Finland. Suomi my brothers.”

The night will include food from every European nation, constant Euro-pop during halftime, the national anthems of every country in Europe before the game, and players on the field will only be able to speak in their native tongues. He added that players with no roots in Europe will receive a discounted version of Rosetta Stone to learn their favorite language before the night.

“But only European languages.” Rodriguez was sure to add when describing the night, “We don’t want any Europeans feeling left out of their special night.”

He also went on to say that he will kindly be asking the supporters section to sing in Italian for the night to make fans feel welcome.

“We will be carefully watching them and how they act during all of this so they don’t take attention away from this very special night for our fans,” he said.

“We as a club need to really connect with who is cheering for us, and make that extra effort to bring in people from all parts of Europe and make them feel welcome. That is what diversity is all about.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire continue their bid for a JD Power Award in Diversity and Inclusion.

President Trump Considers Deploying The 101st Airborne Against The Timbers Army

WASHINGTON - Emerging from the Presidential bunker below the White House, President Donald Trump stated that he was pushing for the deployment of the 101st Airborne division against the Timbers Army.

“Tom Cotton RIGHT,” stated the President on Twitter. “Badly gang ANTIFA liberal extreme-leftists Timbers Army must be stopped! LAW AND ORDER! CHINA! NOVEMBER 3RD. FAKE NEWS! STRENGTH! REVOKE 230!”

Advisors for the President of the United States indicate that President Trump believes that the Timbers Army is an actual army occupying Portland, Oregon.

“He asked how many tanks they have and if they have the bomb,” stated one insider. “Some of his most loyal advisers indicate that they want to use the insurrection act to put down the occupying force, and he won’t hear any different about the fact that they are a soccer supporters group.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as President Trump continues to Tweet his way through this crisis.

Major League Soccer Looks To Seize Headlines From Protests Over Racist Police Brutality On Black Americans And A Global Pandemic By Locking Out Soccer Players

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that the group of Billionaires that own franchise rights for teams within the league are looking to seize headlines from the protests over racist Police brutality on Black Americans and a global pandemic as they spent the weekend debating locking out their employees

“The MLS Players Union concessions were deemed by the league as not being good enough,” stated one anonymous source. “The league sees this potential lockout as a way to grasp the headlines from the horrifying scenes of the Police running over people in the street, arresting journalists, shooting people on their porch and marching lock step in tactical gear through terrified neighborhoods.”

“They are out for blood and stupidity,” stated one league source. “These billionaires have had it up to HERE with the players. They want as many concessions as they can get their hands upon in hopes that all the teams can turn a profit this year even if they don’t play any games.”

League historians indicate that often times things will seem in the worst possible way before collective bargaining agreements and negotiations are completed.

“We can all remember that most of these deals come down to the wire,” stated Professor Dave Hawkins of the CBA Institute. “However, it takes some cynical power grabs to try to attempt to lock out your employees during the middle of a global pandemic and an international movement against racism and police brutality.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league pushes the players to take even more concessions and then indicates that they will blame them as trying to sabotage the league if they don’t accept.

Area Soccer Fan Very Concerned That He Will Have To Endure Protests In The Stands Again

Minnesota, MN - Minnesota United fan Steve Jefferson indicated that he was worried that he would be forced to endure politics and protests in the stands again after skimming over the online reports of multiple nights of protest over the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis Police Department.

“I go to the games to forget everything,” stated Jefferson to The Nutmeg News. “And reminding me that things aren’t as good for other people as they are for me is really annoying. My life is pretty great and I think the life of my children is pretty great so I don’t like the supporters groups pretending like things are bad. This is the greatest country in the world, period. Just look at the overall mortality rate! We’ve been doing nothing but getting better and better despite what the negative naysayers would have you believe. People should protest appropriately, like I did when I was frustrated that the City alderman wasn’t tough enough on crime and I went to the club to speak with him privately in a steam room.”

Jefferson indicated that he was exceptionally frustrated when Minnesota United supporters flew Iron Front and Anti-Fascist flags in the stands last year.

“Those flags and that protest, so stupid. All those antifers nearly ruined the Gelato I had after the game. I was so distressed that I bought a thin blue line flag off Amazon so that I could show my support of the police. Honestly, I like to escape the world in general and I’m worried that the liberal media encouraging riots after the death of this person I didn’t know will significantly impact my chillaxification time at the games next year when all this hysteria dies down after the CoronaFlu.”

For all his concern, however, Jefferson stated that he remains positive about the situation.

“I only know that if we give this situation a few more months that everyone that I care about will forget all about it and I’ll be able to go to games again without having to worry about banners that make me think about things that I disagree with.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jefferson’s daughter heads out for night 4 of the protest.

Man Who Painted Corner Of Anti-Racism T.I.F.O Has Some Surprisingly Racist Things To Say In Private Group Chat

Springfield, MO - Tim Smith, who once painted the corner of an anti-racism T.I.F.O, had some surprisingly racist things to say in a group chat on Thursday regarding the recent protests over the murder of George Floyd by the Minneapolis police.

What terrible things am I going to learn today!?

Starting with, “You guys know that I’m not racist, but…,” Smith posted off a bunch of petty stereotypes, memes, and jokes with a group of 7 friends that originally bonded over the love of sports and soccer.

“I honestly was pretty shocked,” stated John Evans, a member of the group chat. “Tim’s always had some weird things to say and he was always that kind of person that liked to push it with regards to jokes; but I thought he was just a normal guy. Now I don’t know what to think.”

Other members of the chat tried to steer the conversation away from Smith’s racist commentary, but found out that it’s not just Smith that has these thoughts in private.

“Look, it’s one thing when Tim is trying to be an edgelord, but then Danny comes in and makes a joke and man… who the fuck are these people,” stated chat group member Tom Belsare. “Just because you think this is an environment where we give each other shit doesn’t mean that extends to making jokes about other people that aren’t you. I don’t really KNOW you people, you know. This group thing was originally just about soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Evans and Belsare think about leaving the group, then think about calling out Smith, then think about talking to him in person and then do absolutely nothing instead.

President Trump To Announce Executive Order Against Forward Madison For Not Giving Him A Free Drip Kit

WASHINGTON - President Trump is set to announce an executive order against USL League One team Forward Madison after finding out that the team did not judge him enough of a social media influencer to justify sending him one of their new Drip Kits.

The draft executive order being prepared by the Trump administration tests the boundaries of White House whining. In a long-shot bid, it seeks to get a free kit from Forward Madison because the new kits are cool and the President didn’t get one but other people did.

It marks a dramatic escalation by Trump in his war on Forward Madison as the President has regularly accused the club of not giving him enough free stuff.

The draft order, which was reviewed by TNN, targets a law known as the Give Me Free Shit Act. Section 230 of the legislation provides everything to the President because he is the President under the auspices of the Good To Be The King Act from 1981.

“In a country that has long cherished fucking over someone else to get ahead, we cannot allow a limited number of soccer kits to be given to so many but so few,” the draft order says. “This practice is fundamentally un-American and anti-democratic. When large, powerful teams censor the President from free things they exercise a dangerous power.”

.The draft order also accuses Forward Madison of “invoking inconsistent, irrational, and groundless justifications to punish the President by not giving him a free kit because if they gave it to The Cooligans then they should give it to the President.”

Finally, the draft order would direct the Federal Trade commission to report on complaints about Forward Madison collected by the White house and to consider bringing lawsuits against teams accused of not giving the President free shit.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the President claims that Forward Madison is fake news.

Sources Detail MLS Plan To Become League Of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families

NEW YORK - Sources with Major League Soccer, today, detailed a league plan to become the League Of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families (TM). Commissioner Don Garber allegedly wrote a new state of the season memorandum to all supporters and players that The Nutmeg News was able to get in advance due to our numerous league sources.

“Welcome to the re-launch of Major League Soccer’s 25th Season,” states Don Garber in the yet-to-be-released email. “More and more world-class players continue to make MLS and the mile surrounding their quarantine hotel rooms in Orlando their ‘League of Choice For Players On Cut Wages Who Don't Mind Being Kept In Isolation In An Orlando Hotel Room Without Their Families .” A record 10 players signed from Mexico’s Liga MX stated that they hated this idea but contractually they didn’t know if they had any other options. Notably, Javier ‘Chicharito’ Hernandez — the Mexican National Team’s all-time leading goal scorer — begrudgingly joins the La Galaxy in Orlando and will make his re-debut at some point provided that no one has a 102 degree fever or a persistent cough. This game will likely happen on whatever television channel we can get do broadcast this with local blackout rules applying for most of the United States.

Just as importantly, our clubs signed a record number of Homegrown Players who are now being asked to take severe cuts on their salary due to the fact that they don’t have any social cachet to push for their wages staying the same during this time.

The 25th Season Celebration also will include a new, groundbreaking format for our MLS All-Star Game, presented by Target. The MLS All-Stars will face no one, bucking the trend of having any kind of All-Star Game of any level. They will remain undefeated in 2020 showing that no international team can come win if all the international flights are grounded due to the pandemic that we aren’t allowed to discuss with you.

As we celebrate 25 years of MLS building soccer in North America, I know you are as excited to watch games with no crowds and faked noise from the stands. We deeply appreciate everything you have done to help us grow true ‘Soccer Nations’ in the U.S. and that other country that legally we aren’t allowed to enter right now.

Enjoy The 2020 season if it happens or whatever version you get to watch provided you have a VPN.

Commissioner Don Garber.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS denies this letter exists.

"If They Didn't Want Their Cave Blown Up Then They Shouldn't Have Built It On Valuable Iron Ore Deposits 46,000 Years Ago," States Dell Loy Hansen

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake owner, billionaire, real estate baron, vintage coin collector and sometimes disinterested person who owns the Utah Royals Dell Loy Hansen stated that there was no Rio Tinto naming controversy as he allegedly stated, “If they didn’t want their cave blown up then they shouldn’t have built it on valuable Iron Ore deposits 46,000 years ago.”

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2020/may/26/rio-tinto-blasts-46000-year-old-aboriginal-site-to-expand-iron-ore-mine

According to sources who were present, Hansen spent a good chunk of the minute he was forced to think about this controversy ranting about the, “rights of the corporation that are under assault by vigilantes who want to protect people and places over profits."

“If I wanted to protect people I would’ve kept all the employees on staff instead of furloughing them without medical, having the players raise money for them, then publicizing the players efforts on social media in a crass effort to appear like we care, and then trying to get those same players to consider accepting a pay cut if we move the season to Orlando,” stated Hansen allegedly. “I think the actions by Rio Tinto took courage and we will remember that when we extend the naming rights. We must find a way to do this kind of desolation locally beyond just cutting off our own employees during a global pandemic and then forcing them to work short staffed handling irate customers and the possibility of bringing the entire NWSL season and teams to town. Maybe we could buy Mesa Verde and drill into the shelf for some oil.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Hansen looks into discounted Oil Rigs and crews with less than 20 safety violations.