Herriman, UT - Philosophers across Utah are reportedly challenged by Schrodinger’s Anthem, the premise that if no one observes the National Anthem of the United States being played before an NWSL game it is impossible to determine if the Anthem is alive or dead or merely on an extended saxophone solo.
“With the NWSL mandating that players do not need to attend the anthem playing, and the fact that there will be no fans or support staff on the field it begs the question of how will we determine if there even IS an anthem,” stated University of Utah philosopher Caroline Deitrich. “The anthem is both played and unplayed in this situation. According to the Copenhagen interpretation, a quantum system remains in superposition until it interacts with, or is observed by the external world. However, if the external world does not observe the anthem then it asks the question of whether the anthem has actually been played?”
Philosophers with Brigham Young University argued that there would, perhaps, be present one who could perceive the anthem at all times as they rubbished the idea of Schrodinger’s interpretations of the mathematics of quantum mechanics as pure poppycock.
“Of course we know that the anthem has been played for it has always been played and therefore shall always be played by DJs before sporting events before their mid afternoon shift at the Red Iguana,” stated BYU professor James Harbottle. “To assume that something doesn’t exist implies that it DOES exist and therefore I say that they do play the anthem even if the anthem is not observed.”
Philosophers with Utah State University reportedly disagreed with this theory advanced by BYU as professor James Gray stated, “Technically someone has to be there to play it so are they playing it for themselves? Maybe someone driving by would have to hear it? If we do not perceive music, does it exist? Does anything exist? A bird might fly by overhead, so I guess they'd be able to hear it, but do birds perceive music? This was my dissertation, by the way. What if the bird did not land? Do we have unpatriotic eagles in this country? What about hawks? Do Hawks read Kant?"
For their part, the NWSL indicated that they would have a remote bionic arm, created by Elon Musk, that would start and stop the anthem so that they woudln’t require someone to play or observe the anthem that did not want to play or observe the anthem while indicating, as well, that the anthem was still being played so that they don’t appears as a godless anti-american force of evil hell bent on bringing about the apocalypse and taco trucks on every corner.
“It’s important to us that we keep our standing as a patriotic league for patriotic people even if that means that we are going to play the anthem for the growing grass,” stated Commissioner Lisa Baird. “After all, that grass remains standing so we KNOW it’s patriotic that way.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL announces that it would announce when the anthem is playing so that all people online can take a moment to reflect upon their own patriotism.